Santabarbaratown

1991

Young Shawn: What’s going on, Dad?
Henry: What? Oh, ah, nothing. Just work stuff.
Young Shawn: Can you tell me about it?
Henry: Maybe when you’re a little older.
Young Shawn: Come on. I’m old enough to drive. I think I can handle hearing about one of your cases.
Henry: Shawn, you’re not going to be able to drive for three years.
Young Shawn: Really? Then how will Gus and I get to Vegas this weekend?
Lou Gamble (Tom Pickett): Come on, Henry. He can handle it.
Henry: Fine. But I’m calling you when he can’t sleep tonight.

Henry: We’re looking for a missing girl.
Young Shawn: What’s her name?
Henry: Veronica Towne.
Young Shawn: Where was she last seen?
Henry: This bar where she waitresses. Called the Blue Derby.
Young Shawn: What was she wearing?
Henry: Why does that matter?
Lou: A red dress. And a gold necklace with her initials on it.
Young Shawn: Thanks Lou. So do you think she was murdered?
Henry: It’s starting to look that way.
Young Shawn: Ah, who do you think did it?
Lou: A guy by the name of Jordan Beaumont. Her boss at the Blue Derby. But we can’t prove it until we find the place where he stashed the body. Or places.
Young Shawn: Gotcha.
Henry: You’re not going to be able to sleep tonight, are you?
Young Shawn: Not a wink.
Henry: Thanks Lou.

Present Day

Lassiter: How do you know so much about this case?
Henry: Because I was the lead detective, along with my partner at the time, Lou Gamble.
Shawn: May he rest in peace. Sweet old Uncle Lou had a thousand jokes about hemorrhoids. They were all hilarious.
Henry: Jordan was our lead suspect the entire time.
Juliet: So why couldn’t you get him?
Henry: Never got enough evidence.
Lassiter: So why couldn’t you get him?

Vick: So now I’ve got two bodies. A girl who’s missing for twenty years and the father of the man long-suspected of killing her. Do you have any other bombshells for me?
Shawn: Did you see the finale of The Bachelorette?
Vick: Yes.
Shawn: Then no I do not.

Shawn: Why would Jordan bury one body and not the other?
Juliet: Maybe it was some weird admission of guilt.
Shawn: Ah. Kind of like Gus admitting that he likes cat food.
Gus: I said I like how it looks in commercials. There’s a difference.
Shawn: No. There is not a difference.

Henry: I think I should also work the case.
Vick: As what? A detective?
Henry: Nobody knows it better than I do. You can reinstate me this one time.
Lassiter: Come on, Henry, with all due respect, you can’t just hop back in the game after all these years. There’s been a lot of changes on the job.
Shawn: Lassie’s right.
For example, the bicycle is no longer just one giant wheel with a tiny one in back.
Gus: And now my people can vote.

Henry: Karen, I promise you I can handle this thing, plus I owe it to Lou Gamble to solve this case. Come on. Let me finish what I started.
Vick: Okay.

Gus: Okay, so do we go with your dad or Lassie?
Shawn: Worst. Options. Ever.

Jordan Beaumont (Rob Estes): What’s your point?
Shawn: What do you think it is?
Beaumont: Well you clearly think that I killed my father.
Shawn: Oh yeah? Actually I forgot what my point was, but what you just said makes a lot of sense.

Lawyer: Excuse me. Who are you?
Shawn: Shawn Spencer. That is my partner, Sh’Dynasty. It is spelled S-H-comma-to-the-top-Dynasty.
Beaumont: “Comma-to-the-top”?
Gus: That’s a God’s comma.
Shawn: And I am a badass psychic detective, Jackfonswoo.
Henry: He’s also my son.
Shawn: Dad. You took the teeth right out of my badass comment.

Lawyer: I’d be very careful how you tread here, gentlemen. We will not stand for further libelous accusations, like the ones related to Veronica Towne.
Henry: Oh, you mean the woman we found dead thirty yards from his father. {Beaumont looks shocked} Yeah, that’s right. You got anything to say about that, smartass?
Beaumont: Small world?

Lawyer: Gentlemen, my client is under no obligation to answer any questions from you. Now I’ll have to ask that you leave. Immediately.
Shawn: Take it easy, Cat Von D. Know this, Jordan: I’m on to you. Like fat… on a fat person.

Thea Summers (Amanda Schull): Feel free to help yourself to the minibar.
Gus: I’ve been waiting my entire life to hear those exact words.

Thea: Have you always been such a snoop?
Shawn: Oh yeah. Hence my nickname in high school.
Thea: Snoopy?
Shawn: Hammertime.

Shawn: Chief I would very much like to elbow him in the sternum.
Vick: Please do.

Vick: What is up with Mr. Guster?
Shawn: Sugar crash. He just ate six hundred dollars worth of candy from the hotel minibar.

Henry: There’s no way that Lou Gamble had anything to do with Veronica Towne’s death.
Gus: What was his DNA doing all over her body?
Henry: I don’t know. Maybe it was a mix up in the lab, somebody tried to set him up—it doesn’t matter. Lou was a great cop and he was as decent a guy as you’ll find.
Shawn: He certainly didn’t seem like the murdering type. Then again neither did Matthew McConaughey’s character in The Lincoln Lawyer.
Gus: Ryan Phillipe was the murderer in that movie.
Shawn: Really? I never saw it.

Shawn: Are you kidding me? You just crashed at the police station.
Gus: Playas don’t crash, Shawn. They rest their eyes and then they refuel. {he spills more candy on the carpet}
Henry: Burton!

Ida Lane (Lolita Davidovich): Detective Spencer, right?
Henry: Ida Lane. I thought you’d have found a new line of work by now.
Ida: I was about to say the same thing to you.

Henry: This is my son Shawn and his partner Gus.
Ida: Nice. I voted against Prop 8.
Gus: We’re partners in a detective agency.
Shawn: But we’re also lovers in the nighttime.
Gus: Will you stop it.
Shawn: We’re like The Insiders except even more gay.
Gus: The Insiders were not gay, and neither were we.

Shawn reading: “Sodium bicarbonate.”
Gus: Baking soda?
Shawn: “Bacon soda”? That’s a genius idea, Gus. But I’m not sure the world is ready for a pork-flavored beverage.
Gus: I disagree. But that’s not what I said.

Lassiter: I’ll bring him back in. Dead or alive.
Vick: Alive.
Lassiter: Fine. Didn’t say anything about conscious.

Woody: So. I’ve been doing some more work on Veronica here and two interesting things came up. One: I believe she went to Virginia Tech. Notice the VT on her necklace.
Gus: Which stands for Veronica Towne.
Woody: Scratch that. Second thing—this is the bombshell—she had recently given birth.
Henry: Are you sure?
Woody: One hundred percent. The lab confirms it.

Dr. May: I’ll advise you boys to watch your step. The past can be treacherous.
Shawn: Can you at least tell us the girl’s name?
Dr. May: Yes. Dahlia. Dahlia Towne.

Masked Figure: Nice night for a walk.
Shawn: Listen, I’ve got six bucks and a picture of Mary Stuart Masterson in my wallet. It’s all yours.
Masked Figure: Find another case. This is your last warning.

Gus: Who are we chasing?
Shawn: Jack Atwater. A detective used to work with my dad.
Gus: How old is he?
Shawn: At least seventy!
Gus: Then why can’t we catch him?
Shawn: I don’t know! I don’t eat well and I don’t exercise. What’s your excuse?
Gus: I don’t do well at high altitudes!
Shawn: What are you talking about?
Gus: You know, like Denver.
Shawn: We’re not in Denver!
Gus: Just run, Shawn.

Henry: No wonder I could never get a leg up on the investigation.
Jack Atwater (Jerry Wasserman): I’ll give you this: you weren’t an easy guy to throw off.

Shawn: Rough day for you, man. No way around that. The girl you were dating turns out to be your sister. Who killed your father. Who killed her mother and was sleeping with your ex-girlfriend.
Gus: And Shawn punched you in the face.
Shawn: And there’s that too.

Shawn: His girlfriend. His sister. His girlfriend. His sister.
Gus: Forget about it, Shawn. It’s just Santa Barbara.

Shawn: Well. I guess I should swing by your place and pick up all my stuff now that you’re okay.
Juliet: Shawn all you brought over were some clothes, a toothbrush and your work out bricks.
Shawn: Right. All my stuff.

Vick: I’m trying to convince your father to stay on as a detective just a little longer. He hasn’t missed a step.
Henry: Hear hear.
Shawn: Nope. My detective days are over. So’s my career in police work.
Henry: What?
Vick: Wait. You’re retiring?
Shawn: Effective immediately. My resignation letter’s already on your desk.
Vick: Woah woah woah. Is this because I yelled at you for the pants thing?

Shawn: What? Your old police hat? You remember I used to put this thing on as a kid, run all over the house bumping into stuff. Dreaming that one day I’d be this amazing cop. Just like my old man.
Henry: Yeah, well. I guess your perception of me has changed a little since then, huh?
Shawn: Actually it’s quite the contrary.
Henry: What do you say you and I go out and grab a beer a little later.
Shawn: Beer? Well that’s not really our thing is it?
Henry: Yeah, I know. Maybe we can change that now that I have some time on my hands.
Shawn: I’m not gonna lie to you, a cold beer sounds rich and delicious. We should go now. Let’s get one now.
Henry: First I gotta break some bad news to an old friend.

Henry: It’s not too late to do the right thing, Jerry.
Jerry Carp (Max Gail): I’m sorry, Henry. {he shoots him}