Psych Season 6

Indiana Shawn and the Temple of the Kinda Crappy, Rusty Old Dagger

2012.02.29    

Cary Elwes  John Rhys-Davies  Lindsey Stoddart  Mädchen Amick

1991

Henry: Alright, Shawn. Say a few words, let’s wrap this up so we can get this dead thing off my kitchen table.
Young Shawn: I’m not ready yet.
Henry: Shawn, not again. You left the hamster in the freezer for two months while you hemmed and hawed over the appropriateness of a burial at sea.

Present Day

Gus: You wanna explain this?
Shawn: Ah… yes. I would like to very much. But we are so late, Gus. And these coffee cups are not going to put themselves away.
Gus: You take a trip with the intention of proposing and don’t tell me, your oldest and blackest friend?
Shawn: I called you eight times on that trip!
Gus: I’m not letting you off on a technicality, Shawn.

Christopher Holme (John Rhys-Davies): What are you doing here anyway?
Gus: We’re always here whenever a valuable shipment comes in.
Shawn: To sense trouble.
Gus: And collect a check.
Shawn: But mostly sense trouble.

Shawn: Well you need to check your facts, Jack. Because we are museum heroes.
Gus: So you’re kind of stuck with us.
Shawn: Don’t check him though. {Gus looks at him} They got your name wrong on the plaque.
Gus: Twice! The first time they called me Bruton Gaster, and then they switched it to Brutal Hustler on the new one.
Shawn: He likes it.
Gus: Well I don’t mind it.
Shawn: He doesn’t want them to change it.
Gus: You can call me Brutal.

Shawn: I think what this woman is trying to say here, Gus, is that you can suck it.
Jacqueline Medeiros (Mädchen Amick): No, I’m not saying that.
Shawn: I’m paraphrasing.
Gus: Do you even know what paraphrase means?
Shawn: It means, “Suck it please, Gus.”
Gus: It doesn’t mean “suck it please, Gus.”

Holme: I want him jailed!
Lassiter: Mr. Holme, as much as that idea pleases me, you can’t actually put someone in jail for being stupid.
Shawn: Or for being a good samaritan.
Holme: Or stupid! It does bear repeating.

Shawn: The cops don’t even have the kind of firepower we need.
Gus: Dude. If you suggest Batman one more time I will pull out your eardrums.
Shawn: I was talking about a pro, Gus. A pro’s pro. I’ve already called him and downloaded him on the situation.
Gus: Really. And who might that be?
Pierre Despereaux (Cary Elwes): Somebody call for an art thief?

Holme: He financed expeditions to the remote corners of the earth, in search of the rarest artifacts.
Juliet: I get it. He’s Howard Hughes and Indiana Jones.
Holme: The terms of his will stipulates that on the fiftieth anniversary of his death—which was last Thursday—his entire collection should be removed from the Louvre and brought to the Santa Barbara Museum of Art.
Lassiter: Where it stayed for exactly one hour until your boyfriend lost it.

Gus: You look ridiculous.
Shawn: You’re just jealous ’cause there’s no black dudes in Raiders.

Shawn: What was that thing?
Despereaux: It’s a Civil War-era dagger. Only about five hundred of them were made.
Shawn: Really? What’s it worth?
Despereaux: Oh, about nine thousand dollars maybe.
Gus: Do they know that?

Despereaux: The story goes that Yerden kept his most secret and valuable items hidden in a core collection. Went to the grave before he managed to tell anybody what or where it was. That dagger was said to protect the collection.
Shawn: I think you mean dragon.
Despereaux: No, I mean dagger.

Juliet: Lassiter, please. Pretend you’re a person.

Lawyer: He left you the bulk of his possessions.
Gus: No no no thank you. Those are instruments of crime and probably all stolen.
Shawn: I’ll take this though.
Gus: You can’t have it.
Shawn: What are you, my boss?
Gus: I’m your conscience.
Shawn: Tony Cox is my conscience.

Gus: Can we delay the funeral?
Lawyer: Are you serious? It’s a matter of… the smell.
Gus: Too stinky, Shawn.

Lawyer: Mr. Despereaux was not about to be acquitted.
Shawn: You shut your drunk mouth! He told me as much.
Lawyer: We were losing that trial. I was trying to make a plea but the state was reluctant because… we had no grounds.

Shawn: Woody, I need Despereaux’s remains.
Woody: Can’t sell them to you, Shawn. I’m kind of on probation for that sort of thing.
Shawn: I don’t want to own them.
Woody: Good, because as a hobby it is very expensive.

Shawn: That’s it?
Woody: It’s enough. Cause of death: diabetes. {Shawn looks surprised} I kid. He exploded.

Henry: He’s gone. Deal with it.
Shawn: He’s not gone. He’s too good.
Henry: You’ve been hiding from the pain of death since you were a kid. Let it hurt. It’s gonna hurt.

Gus: Please don’t say any of this, Shawn.
Shawn: I’m not saying it. I’m rapping it.

Shawn: If we learned anything from FX and FX2 it’s that anything can be faked. And Brian Brown cannot carry a movie.
Gus: What about Full Body Massage?
Shawn: We both know why we rented that.

Gus: Don’t you think your take on this is a little easy?
Shawn: Easy? Yes. But life is easy, Gus. If you really want it to be.

Gus: No one crosses me. I believe you have something of mine.
Shawn: What, did I borrow your socks?
Gus: We scoured the lake and the wreckage and it was nowhere to be found, which means it can only be in one place.
Shawn: David Lee Roth’s beach house.
Gus: Give me the dagger.
Shawn: I don’t have it.

Gus: What the hell happened? And why does she think we have the dagger?
Shawn: Oh, I don’t know. Maybe {he pulls the dagger out with some effort} because of this.
Gus: You had that in your pants?
Shawn: I swiped it off Despereaux at the bucket before we split off. You know what that means.
Gus: You’re not going after the core collection, are you?
Shawn: No. We are!

Shawn: That dastardly woman killed the coolest man on earth over this treasure, and I will not let her get there first, Gus!

Shawn: That’s your problem, Gus. You brought a funeral program to a knife fight.

Shawn: What can you tell us about the core collection?
Holme: It doesn’t exist.
Shawn: But if it did.

Holme: Have you ever taken the tour?
Shawn: No, we have not. But we will now.
Holme: Good. Don’t hurry back.

Patience (Lindsey Stoddart): No food. Drinks, smoking, flash pictures. Heeled shoes, hand lotion, offensive colognes, Minnesotans {ahem}, tattoos with wolves {Shawn indicates Gus}, exposed liposuction scars, lap bands, hair extensions, loud noises, surprising gestures {she demonstrates}. Bodily fluids…
Shawn: Alright, I’ll lose the Cheetos.
Patience: I already disposed of them.

Gus: This is a trap, Shawn. You push the wrong thing, and a giant rock comes spinning through here. Or spikes come up the ceiling and then the next thing I know, I’m the skeleton locked in the perpetual scream that scares some dude a hundred years later for the joke. My skeleton is not going to be a punchline, Shawn.

Jacqueline: I’ve worked with professionals, mercenaries, compromised double agents… and yet no one’s behavior has been as utterly confusing as yours.
Shawn: Thank you.
Jacqueline: It’s not a compliment.
Shawn: Well it depends on your definition of confusing, doesn’t it.

Shawn: Levers. Why did it have to be levers.

Despereaux: Don’t you just hate people who kill you?

Shawn: You can hack too.
Despereaux: I have a guy.

Despereaux: It’s gotta be Rembrandt’s unfinished portrait of Alexander the Great! It was rumored Yerden had it for years!
Shawn: Or perhaps it’s a Thomas Kinkade.
Gus: Shawn, you really need to learn another painter.
Shawn: Yeah, like that’s ever gonna be necessary.

Shawn: Think about it, fellas. This man traveled to the ends of the earth, risking everything to find beautiful things made by others. One unattainable goal that he would never achieve was to be the object of one of those searches. To have someone go on a quest like ours for his works. To be the prize at the end of a journey.
Despereaux: Perfect.
Gus: It’s narcissistic.
Despereaux: In the biggest way.
Shawn: I like the one with the cat.
Despereaux: Still crappy.