Shawn vs. the Red Phantom

1986

Henry: Where’d these comics come from? Gus, right? Come here. Well at least you’re not a tattle tale.
Young Shawn: What’s the big deal? All the kids read them.
Henry: Well, all the kids don’t live in this house and all the kids don’t have a police officer as a father, Shawn.
Young Shawn: So what?
Henry: So these things make cops look like idiots who would rather flash a signal in the sky than do real police work. They set a bad example.
Young Shawn: They do not!
Henry: Shawn, don’t argue with me.

Henry: Shawn, these things are a fantasy. Real heroes do not wear a cape and they don’t wear their underwear on the outside. The guys who wear capes? They’re on angel dust.

Present Day

Juliet: Okay, you have five seconds to— Actually, you know what? Stay right there.
Shawn: Indecisive. I like that.

Gus: How does some eighteen-year-old kid still living at home rate that kind of money?
Shawn: Lemonade stand? That is if, instead of lemons, he’s using heroin.

Shawn: Okay. Okay, I’ll bite. Chocolate Columbo. Where is he?
Gus: Tri Con.
Shawn: What?
Gus: Tri Con. The Triannual Comic Book and Science Fiction Convention is in Santa Barbara this weekend.

Shawn: Do you have any idea what happened when they forgot his blueberries at the Con in San Antonio?! That comb over will be the least of your— You know it’s better… it’s better if you don’t know. It’s how I ended up with a stutter and a wooden pinkie toe.

Shawn: Can’t you just look at porn on the net like every other guy?

George Takei: Why are you telling people you’re my assistants?
Shawn: Because we are your assistants?
George Takei: Excuse me?

George Takei: The last time I was in Chicago I was doing a reading from my autobiography.
Shawn: Right. We booked that.

Shawn: Look George we can stand around and talk all day or we can try to something about solving your blueberry crisis. The choice is yours.
George Takei: Well all right then. Get to it.

Shawn: This place is trashed.
Gus: Maybe Johnny Depp stopped by.
Shawn: I’m sorry, did that joke just arrive in a time machine from 1992?
Gus: He used to trash hotel rooms.
Shawn: Used to. The man has kids now and lives in France.
Gus: You got a better version?
Shawn: Of course I do. How about that lame-o that’s dating Kate Moss.
Gus: He’s British and nobody knows who he is.
Shawn: Okay, fine. Too inside. Stephen Dorff. Always solid.

Juliet: Hey. Any progress?
Shawn: I picked up Malone’s astral trail. That’s what it’s called. It leads to a hotel across from the convention center.

Shawn: Hi. Missing kid, worried mom. Can we get serious here?
Gus: Since when did you get so structured?
Shawn: Since you turned into Urkel and you just became… Jan Brady… Tina Yothers… There’s not, there’s not an exact match for that.

Chief Vick: My water just broke.
Lassiter: Are you sure?
Chief Vick: No, Carlton. There’s water spilling out of me for some other reason.
Lassiter: Oh no. Oh! Can you move my briefcase?
Chief Vick: Briefcase?!
Lassiter: It might me in the line of—
Chief Vick: Do you understand how uncomfortable this is?!
Lassiter: It’s leather! I didn’t Scotchgard it.

Shawn: I got a date with that Talia girl from the studio in like an hour. A nice romantic walk on the beach to Jim’s. Best scungilli in Santa Barbara.
Gus: Why couldn’t you just talk to her now?
Shawn: Because, Gus, Happy Hour doesn’t start until five.

George Takei: Shawn.
Shawn: GT!
George Takei: The blueberries are still wrong. I requested North Carolina blueberries but they sent me Michigan blueberries. People say I’m crazy but I can taste the difference.
Shawn: I don’t think that’s crazy at all.

Gus: Why did you blame that on me?
Shawn: Dude, we needed a fall guy.
Gus: A can’t be a fall guy in front of one of my heroes, Shawn.
Shawn: Okay, you and I need to create a third imaginary assistant that’s completely incompetent. I think her name should be Beatrice. What say you?

Shawn: Some seriously dark jujumagumbo was done here.

Shawn: Okay, good news: your boss is innocent. Bad news: he just became a face on a milk carton.

Gus: What? What’s happening?
Shawn: Karaoke with George later.

Gus: This is messed up.
Shawn: No, this is messed up. This isn’t a churro.
Gus: I don’t know what this is.

Shawn seeing Talia’s phone: 9-1- Uh oh.

Shawn: Judgment Day? It sounds bad. That’s like the day you get judged.
Gus: In T2 it’s the end of man kind. Though I doubt our kidnapper has first-strike nuclear capabilities.

Doctor: Want to cut the cord, Dad?
Lassiter: No, I’m not…. Okay.

Shawn: I need help! I must call upon the powers of Magic Head!

Juliet: At which point did you faint?
Lassiter: I did not faint. I was merely resting my eyes momentarily and fell slightly backwards.
Shawn: Hey, I don’t know if it makes a difference. I think you’re a hero.

Juliet: Chief, should you be up and walking?
Chief Vick: Walking? I’m coming into work tomorrow.
Shawn: Oh, don’t be ridiculous. You need to go home, with your child. Relax. Take a load off. Refresh yourself. January. I think January. Come back in January.