Romeo and Juliet and Juliet

1990

Young Shawn (Skyler Gisondo): Okay, I’m warning you guys. Gus knows karate.
Young Gus (Carlos McCullers II) : Um, I don’t know karate.
Young Shawn: Yes you do. You studied Wushu.
Young Gus: That’s Chinese.
Young Shawn: Dude, trust me. Karate sounds more intimidating.
Young Gus: I’ve only had two lessons.
Young Shawn: That’s two more lessons than they’ve had.

Present Day

Shawn Spencer (James Roday): You do it.
Burton “Gus” Guster (Dulé Hill): You do it.
Shawn: I don’t fire people well. You know that.
Gus: You wanted the assistant.
Shawn: I wanted a girl.
Gus: He’s the only one that would take the job, Shawn.
Shawn: What does that say about us?

Chief Vick: I don’t remember calling you, Mr. Spencer.
Shawn: Didn’t have to, Chief. It called me.
Gus: Called collect.
Shawn: That’s right. Which is odd, because I’m also on Twitter and the cases usually tweet me.

Henry Spencer (Corbin Bernsen): Are you familiar with the term “persona non grata”?
Shawn: Why are we talking about food?
Henry: Shawn, there’s a reason they created the position I’m in! You burned a lot of bridges around here, you’ve made a lot of sloppy mistakes. You’re going to have to earn your way back. Things are going to be different now.
Shawn: That is so unfair.
Henry: Is it?
Shawn: Yeah. My results speak for themselves. You just hold me to a different standard.
Henry: I do not.
Shawn: You buried my Easter eggs five feet underground.
Henry: And I left loose dirt to indicate a fresh dig.
Shawn: Yeah, under a camouflage tarp covered with bricks and broken glass.
Henry: That was the giveaway! Pardon me for trying to challenge you.
Shawn: It took me three weeks to close the egg investigation. I was eight.
Henry: Yeah well, just so you know, there’s still two eggs you haven’t found.
Shawn: You’re sick.

Gus: Well? What happened?
Shawn: Two things. One, we’re getting him fired. Two, we’re on the case.
Gus: After all that you convinced him to hire us?
Shawn: Define convinced.

Shawn: Buzz! Have you searched the kidnapped girl’s apartment?
Buzz McNab (Sage Brocklebank): Ah, they just finished.
Shawn: Great. We’ll need that address.
Buzz: Oh! You guys got hired on the case.
Shawn: Define hired.

Shawn: Look, I know the whole Ying thing was difficult. For everybody. But at this point it just feels like you’re hiding here at this… giant post office.
Gus: It’s City Hall, Shawn.
Shawn: We have a City Hall?
Juliet: I just need a little time. And I am perfectly content staying off this case.

Shawn: Oh my god, we’re on the same page. You were trying to lure her out of this dungeon by using details from this case.
Carlton Lassiter (Timothy Omundson): I am not.
Shawn: See, it’s not just me. You’re concerned abut her insisting on staying down here. The unreturned phone calls and the ever-so-slight darkening of the hair.
Lassiter: I hadn’t noticed.
Gus: I like it.

Shawn: We need information.
Ken (Jerry Shea): Woah, wait. You guys aren’t here to pay me for my last day.
Shawn: I believe I did pay you.
Gus: We didn’t pay him anything.
Shawn: We paid him in gratitude and life lessons.

Ken: You guys think that ’cause I’m Asian I’m supposed to know all this stuff? That’s borderline racist, man.
Shawn: Racist? Oh, I hardly think so. Inappropriate?
Gus: Yes.
Shawn: Insulting.
Gus: Sure.
Shawn: Stereotyping.
Gus: Sure.
Shawn: Not racist.
Gus: Maybe a little racist.

Gus: We have been following this guy forever. If he is a Triad, he’s the most boring gang member of all time. I think Ken gave us a fake lead to pay you back for asking him for a loan.
Shawn: A short term loan, Gus. With interest.
Gus: The interest was life lessons, Shawn.

Gus: Shawn if something illegal’s going down there’s opportunity to call Lassiter and let him get shot. Golden Triads cut off heads.
Shawn: One at a time. Which technically means we have four opportunities.

Gus: Can I use your phone or do you only let the white people use that?
Martial Arts Instructor: Who said anything about white people?
Gus: You just did.

Chief Karen Vick (Kirsten Nelson): You know, there’s no shame in feeling what you’re feeling. That Yin case is the kind of thing that can shut a person down.
Juliet: Et tu, Chief? I will come back when I am ready.

Shawn: We lost him!
Gus: He’s right behind us.
Shawn: I’m talking about the guy we’re chasing.
Gus: I’m talking about the guy chasing us.

Shawn: Gus, my spiritual senses are out of control. I can’t believe I didn’t turn to Eastern culture earlier.
Gus: Shawn, we got lucky because we hid like little girls.
Shawn: Gus, don’t be the Ten Tigers of Canton.

Gus: You need to tell the polie that this is not a kidnapping.
Sang Tan: It’s not that simple.
Gus: It’s pretty simple.
Bekki: I’m pregnant.

Ken: Dude, I speak nine words of Chinese. Six of those are numbers!