Gossip Girl Dan Humphrey

Season 2


Penn Badgley

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Summer, Kind of Wonderful

The story continues…

Jeremiah Harris: I read from your favorite chapter. Or did you not notice?
Dan: I’ve read that chapter so many time sometimes I think I wrote it myself.
Harris: Speaking of, where’s that story of yours? You know, the one your internship requires you turn in.
Dan: Yeah, it’s, uh, imminent.
Harris: So is death. Be more specific.
Dan: I’m just doing a polish. It’s basically done.
Harris: You know Shapiro at The Review is looking forward to it.
Dan: And calling him was an amazing thing to do, really.
Harris: I told him it would be even better than your piece in The New Yorker. Don’t let me down.

Jenny: Finish your story yet?
Dan: Almost.
Jenny: Good. I’m hoping that by reading it I can find out why you and Serena broke up anyway.
Dan: Yeah. Yeah me too.

Dan: Working for you is very important for me.
Harris: And yet your actions have illustrated only the opposite.

Dan: I can’t believe that I get a job working for literary idol and he cans me. You know? I did everything he asked, from picking up his dry cleaning to keeping him sober before noon. Which was, believe me, the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
Rufus: Harder than finishing that story?

Rufus: So what is this story about anyway?
Dan: The dissolution of a relationship between two people from different worlds.
Rufus: Science Fiction, huh?
Dan: Yeah.
Rufus: Well if I can offer some fatherly advice from 300 miles away—
Dan: I haven’t finished the story because I haven’t dealt with my feelings over the way I ended it with Serena.
Rufus: Couldn’t have said it better myself. Even if you’d let me.

Dan: It can never be a simple answer with you. It can’t just be “I kissed Nate.” It has to be “I kissed Nate because someone I can’t name needed to see it for a reason I can’t explain.” It’s the same drama, different city.

Dan: I haven’t been able to get you out of my head all summer. I was hoping, when I saw you I would that we did the right thing. But I don’t feel that way. I don’t feel that way at all.
Serena: Can we not talk about this right now? I have to make sure that my grandfather’s suit from the 70s isn’t ruined. Any more than it was by being my grandfather’s suit from the 70s.
Dan: I missed that little laugh of yours.

Never Been Marcused

Serena: It was so romantic, what you did. Showing up here. And it feels so right to be together.
Dan: But you’re having second thoughts.
Serena: No. I, I just think that we should think before we get back together. Right?
Dan: Yeah, I, I thought this meant we were back together.

Serena: Who are we kidding? What do you say we just forget about thinking and follow our hearts.
Dan: You sure it’s your heart you’re following?

The Dark Night

Dan: A coming out party?
Serena: Well sooner or later people are going to figure out we’re dating. We’re not exactly the world’s most covert secret couple.
Dan: Yeah, my family’s getting curious about my new friend that Clive that keeps calling… and calling.

Rufus: And you two have worked out all your issues?
Dan: Um yeah. Yep. Got ’em all squared away.

Dan to the Gossip Girl fan club: This is both creepy and none of your business. So if you could just go. Just run along.

Serena: I forgive you for Georgina.
Dan: And I forgive you for…. I don’t know.

Serena: I can’t change who I am, Dan.
Dan: Me neither. So what happens now?
Serena: I don’t really feel like talking.
Dan: Yeah. Me neither.

Serena: I’m scared.
Dan: I know. Me too.
Serena: When I step out of here it’s over.
Dan: I think, I think it was already. It just took us this long to realize. To get used to the idea. Serena? I still…
Serena: I know. Me too. the door closes. I love you.

The Ex-Files

Dan: I heard your friend sneak out early this morning. Claire, is it? C’mon. High heels. Concrete loft. Not the blueprint for a stealthy getaway.

Jenny: It was like I didn’t even exist.
Dan: Mm. Welcome to my world. It’s not so bad once you get used to birds flying into your head and automatic doors never opening.

Vanessa: How can I use this to get Nate off the hook? I mean, what do I do?
Dan: Well you’re not going to like it. Blair.
Vanessa: Blair? I can’t trust Blair.
Dan: Well maybe not. But Google “revenge” and get blairwaldorf.com.

Serena: I loved you. And just because we broke up doesn’t mean I could just turn it off like that.
Dan: Maybe we should stay away from each other for awhile.
Serena: Yeah, you’re right. You and Amanda should probably go.
Dan: Are you ordering me to leave?
Serena: Consider it a suggestion.

Chuck: Cashing out so soon, Humphrey?
Dan: You really should wear a bell.
Chuck: Kinky. I’ll think about it. Hope you’re not leaving. You’re about to see the real Serena.
Dan: I’ve seen enough.
Chuck: Not by half.

The Serena Also Rises

Dan: Augh. School. Another day of reading, writing and aristocrats.
Jenny: Are you back to Invisible Boy?
Dan: Invisible suits me.

You sent me five stories. All about a sheltered young man with girl trouble who lives with his daddy in Brooklyn. You think that’s going to knock the Yale English department off their tenured asses?
Dan: I just, I thought a writer was supposed to write what he knows. This is what I know.
Then learn something new. Get out of your comfort zone. A cardinal rule of writing: if your work’s too safe then do something dangerous.
Dan: I wouldn’t know where to begin.
Then find someone who does know. When I was young Bukowski put a shot glass on my heard, blew it off with a pistol. Find your Bukowski. Then get back to me.

Dan: I know we don’t like each other and you think of me as a boring, sheltered nobody.
Chuck: I don’t think of you.
Dan: Right. Of course you don’t. But I’ve been thinking of me. And I have come to the conclusion that I need to get out of my comfort zone. I need to experience new things.
Chuck: Are you gay?
Dan: Now that would be out of my comfort zone, but no. I just need to get out of Brooklyn. For one night. I’d like to experience the world of Chuck Bass.
Chuck: You’re lucky I’m bored.
Dan: Is that a yes?
Chuck: Get in before I change my mind.

Dan: Who knew there was a sex club behind the White Castle? And “beer before liquor”. How do you know so many twins?
Chuck: Twins find me.

Chuck: Tonight was nothing. You’re just a drunken idiot.
Dan: Can I at least have my shoes?

Dan: When did you start drinking in bars alone?
Chuck: When I realized hot, desperate girls drink in bars alone.
Dan: What’s your father like?
Chuck: Me. Only older. And meaner.

Dan: Jail. Brawling in public. You know I hear Yale’s looking to create more bar fighters this year. Bar fighters and, um, Pacific Islanders. They’re looking to round out the freshman class.

Dan: Has he always been like that?
Chuck: Since the day I was born.
Dan: Ah, that’s crazy. Even Bart Bass doesn’t hate babies. It’s, uh, it’s in our DNA. I think Disney did a study.
Chuck: He hated me.
Dan: That doesn’t make sense.
Chuck: It does if his beloved wife died giving birth to me.
Dan: That’s not your fault.
Chuck: Tell him that. Sometimes I swear he thinks I killed her. Who knows, maybe I did.

New Haven Can Wait

Dan: What do you think about this color?
Rufus: Of the paper? It’s white.
Dan: No no no. It’s ecru. That’s white. I like the ecru myself. But I’m not sure about the font.

Chuck: I wonder what lucky school will be the subject of the next nursery rhyme penned by Brooklyn’s lamest fiction writer.
Dan: Actually, Chuck, I think the Dean of Admissions at Yale will actually appreciate my ability to write about damaged characters.
Chuck: Looks like we’re spending the weekend together.
Dan: How nice.
Chuck: Say hello to the characters on public transportation for me.

Dan: With its world class English department, Yale would be the ideal place for me to grow, to flourish, and, uh, thrive.
Dean: Kudos to you and your inner thesaurus, Mr. Humphrey.

Chuck in Real Life

Dan: Dad, will you please tell Jenny that I have guy friends.
Rufus: Of course you do. I’m his—
Jenny: No. Not including you.
Rufus: There’s Cedric—
Jenny: Not including dolls.

Gossip Girl: Sometimes it takes what’s broken becoming whole again.
Rufus: What happened?
Gossip Girl: Sometimes it takes opening up to new people and letting them in.
Dan: Hope you don’t mind but we’ve got a lodger. So I’ll make up the sofa.

Prêt-à-Poor J

Dan: Hey. How’s AP Economics treating you?
Serena: Well today there was a rousing debate about inflation versus liquidity. Which Isabel solved by calling Warren Buffett. Apparently he’s her godfather.
Dan: Hey, um, so the other night, seeing you was really nice. I know the first leg of the “Dan-Serena: Let’s Be Friends” tour was a disaster.
Serena: Well we were young and stupid then. Now we’re older and wiser.

Blair: I have an itch that only Chuck can scratch and he won’t oblige unless I tell him I love him.
Dan: You need help getting Chuck to sleep with you? Really?
Blair: You hear the judgment in his voice right now, right?
Serena: He’s working on that.

Blair: I was thinking I would just disappear for awhile and give him a taste of life without me.
Dan: No. That’s a terrible idea. Don’t disappear. Become unavoidable. Chuck may be a deviant but he’s still a man. So just, you know, drive him crazy, wear him down. You should be good at that.
Blair: Well look who finally got a little interesting.
Dan: I’m sure it’s a fluke.

Blair: I just wanted to thank you for encouraging me to throw myself at Chuck. I can skip dinner now that I’m so full of humiliation. Chuck was completely unmoved.
Dan: Well are you sure he wasn’t just acting like it didn’t work?
Blair: Unfortunately there was no hard evidence of that. Literally. I didn’t even get the chance to show him my necklace tangled up in my hair. The nape of the neck is Chuck’s kryptonite.
Dan: Oh, that’s good to know. So he just got up abruptly and he left?
Blair: Like a Bass out of Hell.
Dan: Well then you’ve got him right where you want him. Trust me. He’s headed home. Intercept him.
Blair: I’ll let you know what happens.
Dan: Oh… please don’t.

Bonfire of the Vanity

Dan: I’m amazed at how calm you’re acting. Your 15 year old daughter just moved in with her crazy model friend.
Rufus: And with the model’s mother. Whom I met today for lunch. And granted Agnes’ mother is a little more Courtney Love than June Cleaver, but she’s a committed parent. She’s gone through similar phases with Agnes. She promises to call everyday. So Jenny’s safe.

Dan: It was just like in All the President’s Men. And I’m thinking there’s no way this could be legit. But all the facts check out. The date, the building, the fire. The insurance even.
Rufus: And you’re happy about this?

Chuck: If you use this against my father I will destroy you.
Dan: Chuck, what happened is bigger than you hating me or me trying to make it as a writer. I couldn’t ignore this if I wanted to.
Chuck: It will ruin our family. Don’t do it. Please.

There Might Be Blood

Dan: I’m gonna go look for Nate. He’s taller and easier to spot.

The Magnificent Archibalds

Vanessa: My plan is to hole myself up in my studio, rent Berlin Alexanderplatz, and eat a frozen and organic turkey dinner.
Dan: Oh! Well god, you know no one enjoys a 16-hour German movie more than yours truly, but uh, you could come here instead.
Vanessa: I don’t really feel like seeing Jenny.
Dan: Well I’m pretty sure she’s not coming so you can take her chair.
Vanessa: I didn’t realize things were still that bad between her and your dad. Where is she having Thanksgiving? With Nate?
Dan: No, Nate and Jenny aren’t spending time together anymore. So how ’bout it? A Fassbinder- and freezer-free Thanksgiving at my place?
Vanessa: Well, when you put it that way.

Dan: Aaron, hey.
Aaron: Well if it isn’t the last person I wanted to see.
Dan: Sorry?
Aaron: Why’d you lie about Serena?

Rufus: I was kind of hoping she’d be here.
Dan: Yeah, me too.
Rufus: Oh. You are.
Jenny: I love you too, Dad.

It’s a Wonderful Lie

Serena: I just thought sex was meaningful to you. That’s all.
Dan: Well it is. Especially when I haven’t had it in a long time.
Serena: Right. Okay then. Have fun.

O Brother, Where Bart Thou?

Dan: Hey.
Serena: Hey. I wasn’t expecting to see you.
Dan: I know. I was just coming to check in on you, see how you were.
Serena: I’m fine. I’m just worried about my mom and Eric. And Chuck.
Dan: That’s nice. I’m worried about you.
Serena: Thank you so much for being such a rock these past few days. It’s meant so much having you around.
Dan: Yeah well, it’s not a problem. It just, it feels natural.
Serena: It does, doesn’t it?

Chuck: Hey! What the hell are you doing here?
Dan: Excuse me?
Blair: He’s just upset and loaded.
Chuck: What are you doing at my father’s funeral? You think he wanted you here?
Dan: Chuck if this is about the article, you know I didn’t write it.
Chuck: Do you think I care about your failed attempt at investigative journalism. My father’s dead because of your father.
Dan: What? Chuck, look. I’m sorry about this.
Serena: Chuck, Dan has been helping us. Unlike you!
Chuck: Helping us. Do you have any idea what his family has done?
Cecilia: Daniel, I think maybe it would be best if you left.
Serena: No, Grandma. That doesn’t make sense. It’s not fair.
Cecilia: Chuck is Bart’s son. He doesn’t have to make sense today.
Dan: It’s okay. I understand.
Chuck: You have no idea.

Rufus: You’re back soon. wouldn’t have thought Bart Bass would be one to have a short funeral.
Dan: Chuck threw me out before it even started. Because according to him, ah, my father killed his father.
Rufus: Why would he say that?
Dan: Well I don’t know Dad. I mean do you have any wild guesses, any thoughts?
Rufus: Who knows. Kid’s dad just died. He’s upset.

Serena: Aaron invited me to Buenos Aires for the holidays.
Dan: Oh! Okay. Well, I’ve never been so I don’t know how helpful I can be with travel tips. I know that it’s summer there so pack a bikini.
Serena: Dan. When we heard about Bart’s accident we were in the middle of a conversation.
Dan: Right. About what it would mean, with you sleeping with Aaron and me sleeping with Lexi.
Serena: But that never happened, so…
Dan: So. I mean I guess now it will, right? At least for you.
Serena: Or?
Dan: Are you asking me to ask you not to go?
Serena: No—
Dan: Look Serena, if you want to go, go. If you don’t, don’t. I can’t tell you who to be with.
Serena: No but you can tell me how you feel.
Dan: How do you feel? About your boyfriend who wants to take you to South America?
Serena: Well I mean, he’s really great. I like him a lot.
Dan: Well then that’s your answer then.

Dan: Um… hey. Well thank you for telling me that you’re in love with Lily Bass. Again or still. Or whatever it is. It would have been really useful information to have before I tried to stop Serena from flying off to South America
Rufus: I will never be with Lily.
Dan: I don’t understand. Serena just said—
Rufus: Serena doesn’t know what the hell she talking about.
Dan: Are you okay? What’s with all this stuff and the note? Are you going somewhere?
Rufus: Nope. Just out.

In the Realm of the Basses

Dan: Hey. You’re back.
Serena: Yeah. Just. I literally drove here from the airport.
Dan: Well you look tan.
Serena: Well it is summer in Buenos Aires.
Dan: That’s right. Southern hemisphere—
Serena: I broke up with Aaron.
Dan: Oh. When?
Serena: About three hours after we left New York. Which was maybe not the brightest idea on a fifteen hour flight. When I landed I got an email from my mom saying her and your dad weren’t going to be together now or ever.
Dan: I know. I tried calling you before you left. If you knew… I mean you could have called or emailed. Of course unless you didn’t want to.
Serena: No. I needed to make sure that when the dust settled that we still felt the same.
Dan: And do you?
Serena: Yes. Do you? Dan kisses her

Jenny: Dad, Serena is like the best thing that’s ever happened to Dan. She’s smart, she’s funny, and she’s like nine levels hotter than him.
Dan: Thank you. But she’s right.
Jenny: C’mon, get on board. Dan-Serena, Dan-Serena, woo! Okay, Dad is not into cheering.
Dan: Am I really supposed to pretend that this has nothing to do with what happened between you and Lily before Christmas?
Jenny: Wait. What happened with him and Lily? What happened between you and Lily?
Rufus: None of your business.
Dan: Oh, so you can tell me not to date Serena but I can’t say anything about you and Lily?
Jenny: Him and Lilly what? Somebody, please.
Rufus: I think you need to leave for school.
Dan: Oh you’re not going to walk me today? I’m heartbroken.

Serena: I don’t see why I had to come. He doesn’t want me here.
Dan: I figured he’s less likely to murder me with witnesses.
Serena: Yeah, that makes sense.

Rufus: Dan if you’re here to argue—
Dan: What were you looking for in Boston? I know it’s not a painter, and I know it’s not a sculptor or…. whatever story it was that you couldn’t keep straight.
Rufus: Hang on, how did— ? Did Chuck Bass say something to you?
Dan: Chuck Ba— What? So you’re telling me Chuck Bass knows something about our life that I don’t know?
Rufus: I can’t talk to you about this right now.
Dan: You know, if it was just your life I would say fine. But it’s not. It’s mine and it’s Serena’s. I think we have a right to know.
Rufus: I agree, but there are other people involved.
Dan: Let me take a wild guess and say Lily.
Rufus: Just give me a day. There’s a right way for all of us to talk about this.
Dan: Yeah. We’re past that.

Chuck: That’s the problem with an open invitation. Can’t keep out the hoi polloi.
Dan: What do you know about my dad and Lily?
Chuck: So the cat’s out of the bag.
Dan: I found some numbers. My dad was supposed to be in Boston, looking for an artist. He was apparently visiting some orphanages.
Chuck: How Dickensian.
Dan: Chuck, I need to know this.
Chuck: You know the funny thing is, I was going to keep Lily’s secret. You buried the arson story on my dad. This makes us even. You’re not the firstborn Humphrey. So if you were planning on inheriting the family estate. I’d make other arrangements.
Dan: That’s not possible. I mean my dad’s—
Chuck: Lily and her mother kept it a secret. Gave the kid away. I imagine your dad just found out. And now there’s only one more person to tell. Of course as soon as you do it’s over between you, isn’t it? Sharing a sibling? It’s a bit much. Even for me.

Gone with the Will

Dan: If your mom says nothing’s going on then that’s good.
Serena: Yeah well, she usually is pretty honest about these things. A little too honest actually. Supposedly Sarkozy was a bad kisser.
Dan: Well that’s a relief. Not the thing about Sarkozy. That’s kind of disappointing.

Dan: Through all this I had so many thoughts going through my head, but the one that kept popping up again and again: what does this mean—for us?
Serena: I don’t know, but we’ll figure it out. Because I know no matter what I want to be with you.
Dan: Me too.
Serena: And there’s gotta be some kind of precedent for this, right?
Dan: Yeah, yeah, there’s gotta— in literature, uh, Toni Morrison maybe. Flannery O’Connor. The Russian aristocrats before they all became hemophiliacs.
Serena: Or Clueless. Alicia Silverstone’s character dated her ex-step brother. And they made it work. That’s super skeevy.
Dan: Thank you. That makes me feel so much better.

You’ve Got Yale

Dan: I keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason. I’ll end up in the right place. But what if I don’t get in?
Serena: Forget you. What if I do and Blair doesn’t?
Dan: Fire and brimstone. And a lot of bitchy asides. Death by Dorota.

Lily: Well now that this is all out in the open maybe we can stop sneaking around. I mean we’ve had the awkward run-in and it isn’t so bad. I don’t know why we thought this would be so weird.
Dan: Let’s leave. Now.
Serena: Nice try mom.
Rufus: Yeah, seriously. Good effort.

Dan: Chuck. As much as I hate to ask you anything, but have you seen Lily? My dad’s looking for her.
Chuck: She said she was going to the powder room. Looks around. But that was awhile ago.

Carnal Knowledge

Serena: You guys are hanging out?
Dan: Yeah well, Rachel’s been giving me some feedback on my stories.
Rachel: And by feedback he means a wall of praise. Dan is a really good writer.
Serena: Trust me, I know.
Dan: Okay. Alright, now I gotta go. Guess I’ll see you at school. awkwardly slaps Serena’s shoulder. She returns the gesture.

Dan: This day is getting weirder by the minute.
Jenny: Anything you want to tell me?
Dan: Um… besides I’m glad you’re not wearing that racoon makeup anymore? Because you looked like one of The Incredibles.
Jenny: Oh, thanks. A lot. And I thought I was the bad seed in the family.
Dan: What? Alright, what’s going on? She shows him her palm. “Is Lonely Boy giving a certain new teacher more than just an apple?” What does that mean? And why is it written on your hand?
Jenny: Because Nelly Yuki wouldn’t give me her contraband phone to show you herself. I mean, this is just the headline. The whole post would’ve gone all the way up my arm. It was quite detailed about you and Ms. Carr and your forbidden love.
Dan: Me and Ms. Carr? What? No. That’s absurd. That is absurd.
Jenny: Well I’m not the one you need to convince.

Blair: The ladies room? I knew you and Serena were having problems. I never knew they were anatomical.
Dan: The only reason I’m trespassing on sacred ground is because I know you sent that rumor to Gossip Girl.
Blair: Sorry. No idea what you’re talking about. You can go now.
Dan: Whatever issues you have with Rachel she cares about people, she cares about her job.

Vanessa: So you ratted on Blair. You Templeton.
Dan: A Charlotte’s Websult. That’s very cute. And no technically I did not rat on Blair. I just told Rachel to put the squeeze on the weakest of her kilted cronies.
Vanessa: And what does Serena think about you getting her best friend
Dan: The moment Blair involves me in her schemes the boyfriend and the BFF clause is null and void. So she brought it on herself.
Rufus: The alleged online slander incident?
Dan: What? You— you heard about the rumor? You gave it a name.
Rufus: Well the parents council called an emergency meeting tonight. Apparently my son is the object of the slander. Assuming it is slander. You and Ms. Carr

Blair: I’m back in. I saved myself and Gossip Girl.
Dan: You used this photo of Rachel and me to back up a rumor that is nothing more than a vengeful lie.
Blair: So?

Dan: Look I get why Blair went after Rachel but why you?
Serena: I felt like a fool. I thought you lied to me.
Dan: I told you nothing was going on.
Serena: I know.
Dan: So why were you so ready to believe the worst?
Serena: Honestly? I think a part of me wanted to. Dan. We keep trying to act like we can overcome anything.
Dan: Yeah, pretending none of it matters. Our parents dating. Sharing a brother. I mean, different colleges next year. It’s over isn’t it?
Serena: Well we had to try.
Dan: Yeah.

Rufus: Look, I believe the two of you weren’t having an affair, but meeting a student, one she didn’t even teach. Off hours. After school.
Dan: You voted to fire her, didn’t you?
Rufus: You just got into Yale. I was protecting your future.
Dan: By firing someone who didn’t do anything wrong? You talk about these Park Avenue parents who shield their kids from punishment. Well I should be punished. Not her.
Rufus: It’s over Dan. Let it go.

The Age of Dissonance

Jenny: What’s wrong with you?
Dan: Nothing. Did you see how those teachers treated Rachel?
Jenny: Yeah. They were like grown-up Mean Girls.
Dan: If I wrote a note could you deliver it?
Jenny: Dan, Headmistress Queller told her to stay away from you.
Dan: I saw how they were treating her. It’s my fault. I just want to know that she’s okay.

Dan: Why don’t we retire to the parlor for some port. With Mr. and Mrs. van der Luydens.
Nate: I don’t give a damn about the van der Luydens, Humphrey.
Dan: Alright.

Rachel: That was some performance.
Dan: It’s nothing compared to yours.
Rachel: What do you mean?
Dan: You called Yale, sent the blast into Gossip Girl to get revenge on Blair? I believed in you. All your talk about integrity and ideals.
Rachel: My ideals. Blair spread false rumors, blackmailed the school, turned my job into a sham with no repercussions.
Dan: You’re just as bad as she is. No, you’re worse. Blair’s a highschooler. You’re an adult. You need to fix things with Blair.
Rachel: Absolutely not.
Dan: You know how you felt when your ideals were crushed? Well congratulations, you’ve crushed mine.

Dan: Hey Blair, it’s Rachel who’s been messing with you. And… we had sex in the costume closet. So you can do whatever you want with that.

Dan: I’m sorry. I know you were just looking out for me. And Rachel, she turned out to be not who I thought she was. Or at least not anymore.
Rufus: I’m sorry too, son.
Dan: Dad. You’re right about this. But I think you need to give me space to make my own mistakes.
Rufus: Well lucky for you, you’ll be at Yale soon. You can make all the mistakes you want. With girls your own age.

The Grandfather

Vanessa: Budapest. Prague. Brest. Dubrovnik.
Dan: Ah, there’s nothing like summer on the Eastern Bloc. Just a Eurorail Pass and a backpack full of failed socialist policies.
Vanessa: And Nate. The Vienna State Opera one day, pierogies in Poland the next. No map. No reservations, just total freedom. And Nate is super excited too.
Dan: Probably not as excited as he is about our day or college basketball.

Dan: You’re going to skip out on your family reunion? I appreciate your commitment to the game—
Nate: No. Listen, man, I’m not going to go pretend to bond with the people who shut me and my mom out when my dad got busted.

Dan: Flying low. There must be a hospital nearby.
Trip: It’s not a medivac. It’s Grandfather’s ride.

Jenny: What happened to you?
Dan: It’s called “Getting the Know the van der Bilts” Which turned out to be less Gatsby and more Fight Club.

Vanessa: Security check? I can’t even fit my lipstick in here. What could I possibly be trying to sneak in?
Dan: I don’t know. Liberal agenda. Universal healthcare. Education reform. Increasing the Estate Tax.

Dan: Serena, hey how are you— she slaps him. Woah. What was that for?
Serena: I don’t know, Newland Archer. Try to rack your brain a little.
Dan: Blair told you about me and Rachel.
Serena: In the costume closet, yes.
Dan: Well you and I were broken up.
Serena: Oh so that makes it okay to have sex with a teacher?
Dan: She wasn’t my teacher.
Serena: No. She was mine. And you slept with her at school, during a play, with me probably 20 feet away.
Dan: Okay, yeah. Right. When you put it like that. she smiles What? Why are you smiling?
Serena: I don’t know. I am mad, but that was invigorating.
Dan laughs. That’s good to know that you enjoy hitting people. sees a woman taking a shot with her iPhone. Oh look! That’s wonderful. I’ll be sure to check that out on bitchslappedagain.com later.
Serena punches him: Let’s go get you ice.

Remains of the J

Rufus: Lily’s doing breakfast today. She wants to talk to us.
Dan: Ominous.
Jenny: Or delicious.

Dan: What does Chuck Bass do at 8am? It’s not like you work out.
Chuck: I do my cardio in the evenings. Morning is for business. For which I’m late . So if you’ll excuse me.
Eric: Does this feel like a sitcom to anybody else?
Dan: Feels like a reality show.
Chuck: Good. So I can vote you off.

Dan: Guilty : Liberal Victims and Their Assault on America by Ann Coulter.
Vanja: Dorota gave it to me. She said important to know enemy. It’s okay. I read to make Dorota happy.

Penelope: In the past ten minutes I’ve been hit on by two Bronfmans and a gay designer. It was so worth it.
Hazel: Kudos on rising up from the social grave.
Nelly: Speaking of graves, did something die in that pot?
Dan: It’s cumin.

Seder Anything

Dan: Hey Wes. Is that the science fair project?
Jenny: Yep. We’re tracking air quality and plant growth. One of these was grown in our apartment and the other was grown in Wes’ country house.
Dan: Apparently a tree does not grow in Brooklyn.

Dan: Look I’m the one with the expensive Yale tuition. Please let me help. There’s got to be a job on Craig’s List that doesn’t involve dealing or nudity.

Dan: So I’m going to need a couple of minutes to practice my tray balancing. I’ve never done this before. Although I’m feeling I’ll be a tray balancing wunderkind.
Are you going to do this nervous talking thing all night? It’s cool, I just need to know.
Dan: No, I’m sorry. I didn’t tell my dad I took this job, and I feel so bad keeping it from him, but you know he gets so defensive.
I’ll take that as a yes.

Eleanor: I have never thrown a Seder before. I don’t even know how to say half the words in this prayer book that’s named for Lieberman’s wife.
Dan: She’s Hadassah. I think the prayer book is called Hagada.
Eleanor: See?

Serena: Two days into the trip Poppy and Gabriel get into this huge fight and so she just leaves— abandoning me and Gabriel and so I stayed around to keep him company.
Dan: Well you did a bang up job.
Serena: Dan, please. Gabriel and Poppy were over and it’s not like either one of us planned this. This thing between us just happened and we couldn’t stop it.
Dan: This “thing” was a marriage. What were you thinking?
Serena: I don’t know. I wasn’t. But I don’t even know if I’m married. That’s what Cyrus is trying to figure out.
Dan: How does one not know if one is married?
Serena: Well. There was a dinner. And then we had a lot of Rioja. And then dancing. And then a lot more Rioja. And then we took off our clothes and went swimming in the ocean.
Dan: Alright, let’s skip that part.

Dan: You’re a… you’re a wife.
Serena: No I’m not. Maybe I am. Are you jealous?
Dan: Serena, we were together for a year and we didn’t make it to junior prom. You’re with this guy less than a week and you get married. So I mean yeah, it’s a little bit insulting.

Dan: You’re the wife of landed gentry and I’m a cater waiter at a Seder.

Eleanor to Dan: Could you please make yourself a little more presentable?
Rufus: That was sort of rude.
Dan: Yeah, you know what? I’m gonna just sorta go with it.
Rufus: Atta boy.

Southern Gentlemen Prefer Blondes

Jenny: What’s with this newfound interest in antiquing?
Rufus: I’m just stimulating the economy by rewarding my fantastic kids. And it so happens that the gallery was a great investment. It’s listing for three times what I paid for it.
Dan: You didn’t get soaked when the real estate bubble burst?
Rufus: Well it’s not as much as I would have gotten at the top of the market but I’ll be able to send you both to school and have a little breathing room to figure out what I’m going to do next.
Jenny: Have you considered cooking classes? I mean even I’m getting of tired of your waffles, Dad.
Rufus: Not cool. I sometimes make chili.

Dan: That looks a little delicate for your big hand.
Rufus: Don’t get any ideas, hotshot.

Vanessa: So am I not supposed to mention the outfit?
Dan: I’m a cater waiter now. Where you been?
Vanessa: Just working. Well I was hoping to never speak about this but it might actually feel good to—

Vanessa: Dan you’re lucky. However bad your life sucks right now, you didn’t need an STD panel this week.
Dan: Yeah…. Wait, why does my life suck right now?

Dan: Wow. I’m not going to Yale.
Vanessa: I’m so sorry I let it out like that.

The Wrath of Con

Dan: What’s going on?
Blair: Not that it’s any of your business, but Serena’s fake boyfriend’s investment was also fake.

Blair: Unfortunately for him, the only way her plan is going to work is by act of God (enter Georgina).
Georgina: Wow. Look at that. I’m so glad everybody’s here.
Long pause in the room and then all hell breaks loose
Dan: Alright, we need to get this crazy girl out of here.

Lily: Are you all right?
Dan: Ah. no. I mean yeah. No, I’m not.
Lily: Well there’s clearly something on your mind.
Dan: Well Serena asked me not to say anything.
Lily: Oh, that’s my least favorite sentence.

The Valley Girls

Lily: Oh hello, Daniel.
Dan: Hey. So look, I’m really sorry to bother you but I can’t leave Serena one more message and still call myself a man. Not that it’s exactly manly to be calling her mother but I really need to know. How mad is she?
Lily: Oh I wouldn’t worry. She hasn’t gotten your messages. They… take your cellphone away when you’re in jail.
Dan: Wait. She’s still in jail?

The Goodbye Gossip Girl