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Random thing #42 that Ramona will eat: Imitation Crab

About a week ago I was up around 6 am (my sleep schedule is bordering on the wacky as of late) and saw a huge bug skitter across my livingroom floor. Huuuuuuuuge. And moving at a high rate of speed.

It disappeared before I could throw something at it, so I decided I would attempt to flush it out of whatever hiding place it had co-opted.

So here’s me at 6 am standing on top of a desk chair, randomly shaking/flailing at pieces of furniture, peering at the floor trying to spy any movement. If I have any nosy neighbors I’m sure they have long since decided I’m batshit insane.

Anyway, my well-thought out technique having failed, I have been wearing shoes around my apartment ever since, out of fear that some steroid-enhanced millipede will attack my foot. I don’t have many bugs in my apartment but when they do show up I do not react well.

Fast forward to today: I pulled back my shower curtain all ready to hop into the shower and BAM! There it was, just staring at me. Ack!

So I ran into my room, grabbed the largest and most dispensable book I could find (How to Start a Small Business in Minnesota, for those that care to know) and scurried back into the bathroom. Too much of a scaredy-cat to actually get in there and smack the giant, I hefted the book at it, which succeeded in winging it and ripping off a bunch of legs.

So now I had a moving body and like ten decapitated sections of bug legs all skittering around my tub. Wonderful. But this time there was no going back, so I snatched the book out of the tub and proceeded to beat the hell out of the thing.

Not satisfied with that (it was still moving) I turned on the water full blast and drowned the thing which eventually gt washed down the drain.

And yet my relief was short lived, as I had this vision of it crawling back up the drain and into the tub again. Or worse! Finding the pipe for the sink. So I turned on those taps as well, and then—for good measure—the kitchen sink. I let them run for a few minutes before finally turning them off and then checking every little bit to make sure it hadn’t crawled back up again.

And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how to thoroughly and definitively overact to one small bug.