Where the Vile Things Are

Gossip Girl: They say the early bird gets the worm. Inspiring motivation. If you’re the bird. The worm, however, has no idea when her future will be plucked away by the next airborne attacker.

Blair: How dare Humphrey write that I am conniving, manipulative and stuck in high school. I am not all scheme and no substance.
Dorota: Hell hath no fury like a Lonely Boy scorned.

Blair: When my mother sees the dress orders she will be so busy singing my praises that she won’t have time to pay attention to—
Eleanor Waldorf (Margaret Colin): Pay attention to what, Blair? What don’t you want me paying attention to?
Blair: Mother! Welcome home.
Eleanor: What is this, Downton Abbey? Everyone, back to work!

Eleanor: This is not fooling anyone.

Blair: I know you’re upset, Mother, but my cotillion dress has already been ordered by the three b’s. Barney’s, Bergdorf’s, and lesser—but still relevant—Bloomgindale’s. I achieved your goal.
Eleanor: At the cost of my company’s reputation. A few sales do not make up for a runway strip show and sex tapes! And bandage dresses without the bandages!
Blair: Well I admit a shift in marketing strategy may be called for.
Eleanor: No, the issue goes deeper than that, Blair. It’s you. You! And your split personality.
Blair: You must be referring to my ability to multi-task.
Eleanor: I am referring to your dark and scheming, and frankly, sexually-inappropriate side.
Blair: I like to think of myself as open-minded.

Eleanor: For as long as I can remember you have struggled between your two natures. I know that you are a beautiful, intelligent young businesswoman. But if you want to continue to run my multimillion dollar corporation, the deviant half has to go! For good!
Blair: I understand. There won’t be an issue. My Grace Kelly can defeat my Grace Jones. No problem.
Eleanor: Uh huh.

Ivy: Well honestly, I’ve slept so much better since you found out that Lola returned the money from Cece’s estate to me. I’m really sorry I kept that a secret from you.
Rufus: I’m just glad everything’s out in the open and you have the money to save the gallery in time for tonight’s opening.
Ivy: I’m so excited it’s happening. Are there any last details you want me to take care of?
Rufus: Well we need to give the caterer a final head count. Do you remember how many RSVPs we had?
Ivy: I never checked. But I’m sure everyone’s coming. {she checks} Ah, this can’t be right. They’re all regrets.

Nate: You surfing the Empire CCTV again? What, is Olivia Munn staying here?

Chuck: This is the security footage from the van der Woodsen place.
Nate: How’d you get your hands on that?
Chuck: Well Vanya can’t be bribed but the night doorman was remarkably open to a cash payment.
Nate: So what are you looking for?
Chuck: When Ivy was in the apartment she said that Bart walked in with an envelope he held onto rather tightly. I was hoping to see a return address or some distinguishing marks.
Nate: Did you find anything?
Chuck: Indeed. The envelope had the seal of the First International Bank of Sudan.

Serena: We’ve both burnt a lot of bridges this year. But at least we have each other.
Dan: And I couldn’t be more grateful to you for letting me camp out, but I don’t want to overstay my welcome. I finally got my first paycheck from Vanity Fair, so I think it’s time to find my own place and let you get back to your life.
Serena: Yeah, I mean we can’t hide out here forever.

Serena: You bought a Vespa?
Dan: That’s right, I forgot how much you like Vespas.

Gossip Girl: Spotted: S and D getting cozy again. Even I have to admit, they sure look cute on that scooter.

Chuck: Why did you let him leave without getting the information?
Nate: He wasn’t going to give it to me. So I figured I’d just take it. {he pulls out the phone}

Eleanor: I will admit you have taken steps. Like the peonies were an elegant addition to the hand-written apologies you sent to each of the board members of the cotillion.
Blair: And Poppy did seem touched by my donation to her charity for children who can’t smile.

Blair: Well I have already admitted that I am powerless over scheming and that my life has become unmanageable. What else is there?
Eleanor: Amends. To the fashion community.

Nate: How could someone who hides everything for everyone else pick his birthday for his password?
Chuck: I underestimated you, Nathaniel.
Nate: Well you’re not the first person to say that.

Dan: When we came here on our first date you didn’t know how to hold a cue. Did you spend the last five years taking billiard lessons?
Serena: I could always play.
Dan: You hustled me.
Serena: No, I just wanted to make you feel better after your epic French ordering failure.
Dan: Or maybe you were looking for an excuse for me to put my arms around you.
Serena: A girl never reveals her secrets.
Dan: Unless you’re Gossip Girl.
Gossip Girl: Spotted: Two old flames slumming it on memory lane. Who doesn’t love a sequel?
Serena: Did she give our exact location?
Dan: Yeah, which means our mob of new friends are probably already camped out outside.

Nate: Traffic… traffic jam. Traffic light. Maybe they had a meeting in a car.
Chuck: Or it’s Bart’s oil trafficking or something else he’s illegally selling.
Nate: Like a nuclear bomb in a briefcase.
Chuck: You watch too many movies.

Eleanor: Ladies, how are we getting along?
Blair: Famously.
Nelly Yuki (Yin Chang): Blair just tried to blackmail me. I’m sorry, Eleanor. I tried.

Eleanor: Daniel Humphrey was right about you.
Blair: You read that dreck?
Eleanor: On the plane. And his central thesis is correct. You are running my business like you’re still the meanest girl in high school.
Blair: Relapse is part of recovery. I’m trying. Please just give me one last chance.
Eleanor: I’m sorry, Blair. I can’t.

Gossip Girl: Watch out B. They say you’re only as good as the company you keep. And right now you’re not keeping any.

Blair: Hold it right there, Humphreak! Do you have any idea what a mess your article has made?
Dan: No, but I’m guessing you’re going to tell me even if I keep walking.
Blair: My mother demoted me thanks to your disparaging drivel.
Dan: Right, and I’m sure it had nothing to do with your work-related behavior.
Blair: Fix this! Or… when I’m done with you, you won’t even have Georgina Sparks’ couch in Brooklyn. I will fly Vanessa back from whatever third-world country she’s in if I have to.
Dan: Do you hear yourself? You’re trying to bully me into retracting an article about you being a bully.
Blair: No! I’m proving to my mother that I am the mature, polite, professional woman who should be running Waldorf Designs!
Dan: Blair, you tracked me down with your Spotted map, and threatened me with the return of Vanessa. You are not mature, polite or professional. And even your own mother knows it.

Nate: Do not tell me in some twisted turn of events that that sex tape made you miss him.
Serena: No, it’s just… we spent some time together and I don’t know. It brought up some memories.
Nate: Serena, you’re really vulnerable right now after Steven broke up with you. It’s too soon to have real feelings for Dan.
Serena: But what if those feelings never went away?

Gossip Girl: This work of art appears to be a work of Bart. Let the bidding begin.

Blair: You are Mozart. I’m Salieri. No matter how hard I work I will never be you. And I think it was just my dark side trying to hide that. So. Effective immediately, I resign from Waldorf Designs.

Chuck: Is there no way around this? Like on the sidewalk!

Rufus: Ivy can afford any painting she wants.
Lily: Oh with what money? I know it’s not yours.
Rufus: You’re right. It’s Cece’s.

Serena: I know it sounded bad, but you heard it out of context.
Dan: In what context can “selfish egomaniac” be positive?

Dan: Look, obviously too much has happened over the past five years. No matter who we are today, we can’t undo things we’ve done in past. So it’s probably just best we move on. Without each other. Which I will do, the second we get out of this elevator. {the power goes out}

Gossip Girl: Revenge is sweet. Especially when you have a sugar mama. Unfortunately not all families appreciate just desserts.

Lily: What is it you want then?
Ivy (Kaylee DeFer): To make you feel the way you’ve made us feel. Humiliated and powerless and like you’re worth nothing. So if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to make sure they’re packing up our painting.

Lily: And you remain a kept man.
Rufus: I never thought I would say this, Lil, but Ivy’s right. You brought this on yourself.

Serena: It’s the people that you know best that you can hurt the most.

Serena: You know I had a really great time with you today. I had to believe that you were terrible in order to protect myself.
Dan: Well you know I could actually be terrible if you prefer.
Serena: No. No thank you. I’m good. I much prefer you this way.
Dan: The feeling’s mutual.

Blair: How did you know where to find me?
Nelly Yuki: The Met steps? Where else would you go to make yourself feel better.

Gossip Girl: Spotted: Ivy moonlighting as a gallerina. Better hope this masterpiece isn’t a forgery.

Blair: I made a mistake.
Eleanor: Many. Who hasn’t. You’ll have to be more specific, dear.

Gossip Girl: The Beatles sang, Living is easy with eyes closed. But even with our eyes open we all still have blind spots. Or maybe we’re just looking in the wrong place. But when we finally do see the light, it’s Strawberry Fields Forever. XOXO —Gossip Girl.