Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang

Gwen: Excuse me. Have you seen a blowfish driving a sports car? {The woman points the way.} Thank you.
Woman: Bloody Torchwood.

Gwen: All I’m saying is you are speeding and there are children.
Owen: Well if kids are out at midnight they’ve got it coming.
Tosh: Detecting high levels of algae.
Gwen: Who’s afraid of a big scary fish, then?
Owen: It’s a big fish with a gun.

Owen: What are we gonna do when we catch it?
Tosh: Jack would know.
Owen: Yeah, well Jack’s not here, is he? Jack’s disappeared. Fat lot of good Jack is.

Tosh: Massive levels of adrenaline. Mixed with approximately three grams of cocaine. This fish is wired.
Blowfish: So, this is Team Torchwood. The teacher’s pets. But teacher’s gone, hasn’t he? Leaving the kiddie kids all alone. And look at you, trying so hard to be all grown up. The doctor, with his hands full of blood. The carer, with her oh-so-beating heart. The technician with her cold devices. Which leaves me with the office boy, promoted beyond his measure. All of you, lost without your master. All of you, pretending to be so brave. All of you, so scared. So, what about it, minion? Can you do it? How good are you? How sharp is your aim? What if you kill her? What if I kill her first? Can you shoot before I do it? Can you? Dare you! would you. Won’t you— {he’s suddenly shot by…}
Jack: Hey kids. Did you miss me? {he laughs.}

Gwen: Ianto, can you deal with the body when it’s cold.
Ianto: My pleasure. Unless you mean making sushi.
Gwen: No. The morgue will do fine, thank you.

Jack: Got pretty organized without me.
Gwen: Yeah, well we had to.
Jack: Hey, did you decorate in here?
Gwen: You left us, Jack!
Jack: I know, I’m sorry.
Gwen: We knew nothing, Jack.
Tosh: Where were you?
Jack: I found my doctor.
Owen: Did he fix you?
Jack: What’s to fix? You don’t mess with this level of perfection.
Ianto: Are you going back to him?
Jack: I came back for you. All of you.

Victim: Help me!
Mugger: Come any closer I’ll open up his neck.
Captain John Hart (James Marsters): Fine.
Mugger: What?
Hart: Which artery do you normally sever?
Mugger: I’m not bluffing!
Hart: Well see, now you’ve given yourself away. Only someone who’s bluffing ever says they’re not.

Jack: Okay, let’s get back and see what we can piece together.
Gwen: Good in charge again, you.
Jack: I was hoping for a little power struggle. Resolved by some naked wrestling.

Andy: This another one of your spooky doos, is it?
Gwen: Not yet, but I’ll let you know.

Hart in a hologram: I can’t believe I got the answering machine. What can you be doing that’s more important than me? Anyway. You probably traced the energy shift. Found the body. All me. Sorry about the mess. Bill me for the clean up. Now: drinks! Retro-load the transmission coordinates. That’s where I am. And hurry up. Work to do. Help me, Obiwan Kenobi. You’re my only hope!

Owen: Okay, so who the hell was that bloke in the hologram?
Ianto: I know Jack recognized him.
Tosh: Why didn’t he let us go with him?
Gwen: ‘Cause he’s typical Jack, isn’t he? He disappears, he comes back, then he runs away again. Shuts us out. We don’t even know his real name.
Tosh: Or which time he comes from.
Gwen: Exactly. He’s supposed to be our boss and we know nothing about him. Drives me crazy.
Ianto: It is more fun when he’s around though.
Owen: Yeah. No. Definitely.
Gwen: Yeah it is.

Hart: You put on weight.
Jack: You’re losing your hair.
Hart: What are you wearing?
Jack: Captain Jack Harkness. Note the stripes.
Hart: Captain John Hart. Note the sarcasm.
Jack: I worked my way up through the ranks.
Hart: I bet the ranks were very grateful. I need a drink.
Jack:I thought you’d never ask.

Jack: So, ah, how was rehab?
Hart: Rehabs. Plural.
Jack: Drink, drugs, sex and—
Hart: Murder.
Jack: You went to murder rehab?
Hart: I know. Ridiculous. The odd kill, who does it hurt?
Jack: You clean now?
Hart: Yeah. Kicked everything. Living like a priest.

Jack: So. How’s the Time Agency?
Hart: You didn’t hear? It’s, ah, shut down.
Jack: You’re kidding?
Hart: No. There’s only seven of us left now.
Jack: Wow.
Hart: It’s good to see you. We were never the same without you.
Jack: You need to go. I don’t want you in my territory.
Hart: What? Time was you couldn’t get enough of me on your territory.

Hart: You’ve got a team. How sweet. Oh. Pretty little friends. No blond though. You need a blond.
Owen: God, he’s worse than Jack.
Hart: Do you have a team name? I love team names. C’mon.
Jack: Torchwood.
Hart: Oh. Not Excalibur? Uh, Blizzard? Bikini Cops? No? Torchwood. Oh dear.
Jack: Gwen Cooper. Ianto Jones. Toshiko Sato. Owen Harper. Meet—
Hart: Captain John Hart.
Jack: We go back.
Hart: Excuse me. We more than go back. We were partners.
Ianto: In what way?
Hart: In every way. And then some.
Jack: It was two weeks.
Hart: Except the two weeks was trapped in a time loop so we were together for five years. It was like having a wife.
Jack: You were the wife.
Hart: You were the wife.
Jack: No. You were the wife.
Hart: Oh, but I was a good wife.
Tosh: I bet you were.
Owen looks at her. What? Pretend you haven’t noticed he’s cute.
Hart: They’re just shy.

Hart: Get two time agents in the same room together, it’s always about the size of the wrist strap.

Hart: You live in the sculpture. Could you be any more pretentious.
Jack: Get on.
Hart: So, your team not allowed in this way?
Jack: This is the entrance for tourists.
Hart: I remember the last time you said that.

Hart: It’s roomy, I’ll give you that. Your taste in interior design hasn’t gotten any better though. What is this? Sewer Chic?

Jack: The work we do, the person I am now, that’s what I’m proud of.
Gwen: Then why did you desert us?
Where did you go? No no, c’mon on. Where did you go, tell me. Talk to me.
Jack: I have died so many times. Been dragged back into life. Like being hauled over broken glass. I saw the end of the world.
Gwen: How?
Jack: It doesn’t matter how. But after it was all over I knew I belong here. What kept me fighting was the thought of coming home to you.

Jack: Excuse me, I give the orders.
Hart: Well give some, big boy.

Owen: Jack, where are you?
Hart: I muted the comm system after we left the Palace Under the Pavement. I love my little wrist strap.

Owen: You touch her again and I will kill you. Okay?

Hart choosing a weapon: The efficiency of a gun or the brutality of wood?
Owen: Yeah, look, stop toying with me and get on with it— {Hart shoots him}

Jack: Oh yeah, loving that office feel. I always get excited in these places. To me, they’re exotic. Office romances… photocopying your butt. Well maybe not your butt. Although as we’re here, why don’t we—
Ianto: The Rift was active at these coordinates approximately 200 feet above ground. That means this floor or the roof.
Jack: How are you, Ianto?
Ianto: All the better for having you back, sir.
Jack: Can we maybe drop the “sir” now? I mean while I was away I was thinking. Maybe we could… when this is all done… dinner, a movie…
Ianto: Are you asking me out on a date?
Jack: Interested?
Ianto: Huh, well. As long as it’s not in an office. Some fetishes should be kept to yourself.

Ianto: Jack, why are we helping him?
Jack: He’s a reminder of my past. I want him gone. By the way, was that a yes?
Ianto: Yes.

Hart: Into the lift, eye candy. Your friends are bleeding, dying. And you barely have enough time to save them.
Ianto checking: Owen, Gwen.
Hart: What am I, a child? It’s a primitive bit of technology, easily blocked. You should be embarassed. When you get to the bottom, run. You look like a man who enjoys a challenge. See if you can save them. Come back up here, I’ll shoot on sight.

Hart: You know, they’re pretty but stupid. You used to have better taste.
Jack: Doesn’t look like that from here.

Hart: Rehab didn’t really work.

Hart: Pretty and resilient. Is that even fair.
Gwen: Maybe you didn’t realize. You can beat, shoot, threaten and even poison us and we keep coming back. Stronger every time.
Hart: Well I think you oughta know your boss is splayed out on the— Jack walks in. pavement. Now that’s impressive. Seriously, you can earn a fortune in the Vegas galaxies with an act like that. Go on, how’s it work?
Jack: I can’t die.
Hart: No but really?
Jack: No but really. You can’t kill me. No matter how many times you try, I cant die. Ever.

Hart: So I’m thinking 50-50, even split. Good deal. Or if anyone fancies an orgy. {Ianto considers it.}

Ianto about his stopwatch: Always at the ready.

Hart: So what are we gonna do now, team? The orgy’s still an offer by the way. Especially now I’ve got the cuffs out.

Hart: I think I’m starting to see what he likes about this place. She’s beautiful. He’s stunning.
Gwen: Don’t you ever stop?
Hart: What? Five minutes to live you want me to behave? Oh that’s gorgeous.
Gwen: That’s a poodle.

Gwen: We have to go.
Hart: No no no! What about a last-minute rescue? What’s the point of being on a team if you don’t get a last-minute rescue.

Jack: Now we gotta avoid ourselves. Great.

Hart: Oh. By the way, meant to tell you. I found Grey.