Gwen: Excuse me. Have you seen a blowfish driving a sportscar? The woman points the way Thank you.
Woman: Bloody Torchwood.
Mugger: Come any closer I’ll open up his neck.
Captain John Hart: Fine.
Hart: Which artery do you normally sever?
Mugger: I’m not bluffing!
Hart: Well see, now you’ve given yourself away. Only someone who’s bluffing ever says they aren’t.
Andy: This another one of your spooky doos, is it?
Gwen: Don’ know yet, but I’ll let you know.
Hart: I can’t believe I got the answering machine. What can you be doing that’s more important than me? Anyway. You probably traced the energy shift. Found the body. All me. Sorry about the mess. Bill me for the clean up. Now: drinks! Retro-load the transmission coordinates. That’s where I am And hurry up. Work to do. Help me Obiwan Kenobi. You’re my only hope!
Hart: You put on weight.
Jack: You’re losing your hair.
Hart: What are you wearing?
Jack: Captain Jack Harkness. Note the stripes.
Hart: Captain John Hart. Note the sarcasm.
Jack: Hey, I worked my way up through the ranks.
Hart: I bet the ranks were very grateful.
Jack: I need a drink.
Hart: I thought you’d never ask.
Jack: So, uh, how was rehab?
Hart: Rehabs. Plural.
Jack: Drink, drugs, sex and—
Jack: You went to murder rehab?
Hart: I know. Ridiculous. The odd kill, who does it hurt?
Jack: You clean now?
Hart: Yeah. Kicked everything. Living like a priest.
Jack: So how’s the TIme Agency?
Hart: You didn’t hear. It’s uh, shut down.
Jack: You’re kidding me?
Hart: No. There’s only seven of us left now.
Hart: It’s good to see you. We were never the same without you.
Jack: You need to go. I don’t want you in my territory.
Hart: What? TIme was you couldn’t get enough of me on your territory.
Hart: You’ve got a team. How sweet. Oh. Pretty little friends. No blond though. You need a blond.
Owen: God, he’s worse than Jack.
Hart: Do you have a team name? I love team names. C’mon.
Hart: Oh. Not Excalibur? Uh, Blizzard? Bikini Cops? No? Torchwood. Oh dear.
Jack: Gwen Cooper. Ianto Jones. Toshiko Sato. Owen Harper. Meet—
Hart: Captain John Hart.
Jack: We go back.
Hart: Excuse me. We more than go back. We were partners.
Ianto: In what way?
Hart: In every way. And then some.
Jack: It was two weeks.
Hart: Except the two weeks was trapped in a time loop so we were together for five years. It was like having a wife.
Jack: You were the wife.
Hart: You were the wife.
Jack: No. You were the wife.
Hart: Oh, but I was a good wife.
Tosh: I bet you were. Owen looks at her. What? Pretend you haven’t noticed he’s cute.
Hart: They’re just shy.
Hart: Get two time agents in the same room together it’s always about the size of the wrist strap.
Hart: You live in the sculpture. Could you be any more pretentious.
Jack: Get on.
Hart: So, your team not allowed in this way?
Jack: This is the entrance for tourists.
Hart: I remember the last time you said that.
Hart: What is this? Sewer Chic?
Hart: I muted the comm system after we left the Palace Under the Pavement. I love my little wrist strap.
Hart: Your friends are bleeding, dying. And you barely have time to save them.
Hart: Rehab didn’t really work.
Hart: Pretty and resilient. Is that even fair.
Gwen: Maybe you didn’t realize. you can beat, shoot, threaten and even poison us and we keep coming back. Stronger every time.
Hart: Well I think you oughta know your boss is splayed out on the— Jack walks in pavement. Now that’s impressive. Seriously, you can earn a fortune in the Vegas galleries with an act like that. Go on, how’s it work?
Jack: I can’t die.
Hart: No but really?
Jack: No but really.
Hart: So I’m thinking 50-50, even split. Good deal. Or if anyone fancies an orgy. Ianto
Hart: The orgy’s still an offer by the way. Especially now I’ve got the cuffs out.
Hart: I think I’m starting to see what he likes about this place. She’s beautiful. He’s stunning.
Gwen: Don’t you ever stop?
Hart: What? Five minutes to live you want me to behave? Oh that’s gorgeous.
Gwen: That’s a poodle.
Hart: Oh. Been meaning to tell you. I found Grey.
PC Andy: No other reason I could think of for keeping sports equipment in the bedroom.
Jack: Oh, you should come by my house for a game of hockey some time.
Owen: When was the last time you felt ill, you had a cold? Anything?
Beth: I don’t think I have. I take a lot of vitamin C.
Owen looking at the scalpel: Hm. Hell of a lot, I reckon.
Jack: Okay Beth. You make lightbulbs blow, we can’t break your skin. What planet are you from?
Gerald: Tommy, I think you’d better come with us.
Gerald: Don’t worry. I’m Gerald, this is Hannah. We’ll look after you.
Tommy: But who are you?
Gerald: We’re Torchwood.
Tommy: Give you women the vote, equal rights, look what happens, eh?
Tommy: A million British soldiers killed during the Great War. It’s like walking into hell.
Tommy: Seems like there’s always a war somewhere.
Tosh: It’s not exactly a war.
Tommy: Looks like one.
Tommy: Did you never wonder if we’re worth saving? The human race?
Tosh: Yes. I think we’re worth saving. Wars and all.
Tommy: So I’ll be saving the world in some pajamas. How daft is that?
Adam: What’s wrong?
Ianto: My diary. You’re not in it. Everyone else is. Why would I leave you out when you’ve been here so long? Like I’m remembering a man who doesn’t exist.
Adam: All human record is a lie. You twist it into what you want to believe.
Adam: Jack, you know me. You recruited me three years ago.
Jack: All I know is that when I think of my team I see you there but I don’t feel anything for you. No pride, no warmth.
Owen: Right. Listen, Marie, you’re gonna have to level with us. This could be a matter of life and death. Have you ever had a serious medical condition?
Marie: Too good to be true.
Martha: What’d you mean?
Marie: I had HIV.
Martha: You’re perfectly clear of antibodies. That’s not medically possible.
Marie: That’s the Reset.
Martha: I know it’s hard to believe Owen, but I wasn’t thinking of you.
Martha: So am I right in thinking that you and he…?
Ianto: We… dabble.
Martha: So what’s his dabbling like?
Ianto: Bordering on the avant garde.
Ianto: Oh yeah.
Martha: Owen! Can you hear me, Owen?
Tosh: You’ve got to help him!
Jack: Owen, stay with me. Owen, look at me. Look at me. Owen, look right at me. Stay with me, Owen. Stay with me. Stay with me, buddy. Come on!
Martha: Owen, speak to me! He’s dead.
Girl: If I told you not to use it, would you listen?
Jack: Shouldn’t you know the answer to that?
Girl holds up the Death card: I do. That’s the problem.
Owen: So why are you here?
Jamie: They’re trying to make me have it again. It didn’t work, thought. The cancer just comes back. It makes my hair fall out.
I’m gonna die. I might as well do it with my eyebrows.
Maggie: Would you just piss off? Get off my roof.
Owen: Your roof?
Maggie: I’m gonna jump so just leave me alone.
Maggie: What the hell are you?
Owen: I’m dead.
Maggie: You’re dead.
Owen: Yeah I was brought back. Like Jesus, really. But without the beard, you know. Shit, I’m never gonna have a beard. Not that I wanted one you understand, but one day I—
Maggie: Okay, you’re dead. That’s clearly a bit shit and I’m sorry and everything but if you are dead then why are you here? You can’t be wanting to jump. You can’t die twice.
Owen: Sorry are you an expert?
Maggie: Sorry are you an idiot?
Maggie: What are you, some sort of suicide geek?
Owen: No, I’m just a doctor.
Owen: You’re kinda cute when you babble.
Martha: And you’re kinda cute when you’re not chucking a scalpel about.
Owen: I’m making the sodding coffee. I mean c’mon, won’t your bloke be missing you? How about Jack? Has he seen Jack? They always get jealous when they meet Jack.
Martha: Owen, I don’t want your job. I’m trying to do mine.
Maggie: So she offers to help you and you push her away. Charming.
Owen: Yeah, hole in the chest.
Sorry if I dont follow social niceties anymore.
Maggie: You mean you did before?
Owen: God you’re a pain in the ass.
Owen: And you waited until your wedding anniversary to kill yourself. Why?
Maggie: Does it really matter?
Owen: Why have you waited?
Maggie: Because I believed people—I believed them when they said it would get better.
Owen: It’s okay, mate. I’m not gonna hurt you. I’m a doctor.
Parker: You’re a very violent doctor. I’ve been watching you.
Owen: Henry Parker, yeah?
Parker: You’re Torchwood, yes? Did the American send you?
Owen: Yeah, he sent me. How do you know so much about us?
Parker: They could’ve sent that Japanese girl. I like her.
Owen: Yeah, well, I’m sorry. You got me.
Parker: Is she, uh, on your phone thing? That earpiece?
Parker: to Tosh Hello! Just to say you’ve got very lovely legs. You should show them off more.
Owen: You can’t stop it, Mr. Parker. I’m sorry, but it’s going to happen one day.
Parker: It’ll be dark and I’ll be alone.
Owen: Where are you now? It’s dark and you’re all alone, so what’s the difference?
Parker: I don’t understand what’s keeping me here.
Parker: Don’t you sit there pontificating. You’re just a boy, what do you know about anything? I’ve traveled the world. Fought in the war. Started my own business. Made a fortune. Married. Widowed. My collection, all of it. I’ve done so much. And this is where I ended up. Alone. Lying in my own piss, And do you know what I want?
Owen: Clean sheets?
Parker: I want a steak. Medium rare. Black pepper sauce. Look at me! Fed through a tube. I might as well be dead already.
Maggie: I thought you came here to jump?
Owen: No. I came here to help.
Maggie: What do I do now?
Owen: You’ve got a choice. If you think that the darkness is too much, then go for it. But if there is a chance, just some hope. It could be having a cigarette or that first sip of hot tea on a cold morning. Or it could be your mates. But if there is even a tiny glimmer of light, don’t you think that’s worth taking a chance?
Gwen: So, is it anything to eat tonight or is it just booze all the way?
Friend: Booze, blokes, bumpin’, and booze.
Salesperson: Can I help you?
Ianto: Yeah, I’m looking for a wedding dress for a friend.
Salesperson: Of course you are, Sir. You’d be surprised. We’re quite used to men buying wedding dresses for their “friends.”
Brenda: What a lovely outfit. Such a brave choice for you.
Mrs. Cooper: And you were so made for green.
Banana: Alright, love? You’ve got a big box. Do you want a hand with that?
Tosh: No thank you, I’m fine.
Banana: You going to the wedding?
Tosh: I’m a friend of Gwen’s.
Banana: I’m Banana. S’pose you can tell why.
Tosh: You come up in spots and go soft quickly?
Banana: Actually I’m the best man.
Tosh: Evolution is full of surprises.
Barry Williams: Listen Rhys. Your mother says this wedding is becoming a nightmare. As if Gwen showing up pregnant wasn’t bad enough. You are sure it’s yours aren’t you?
Rhys: Dad, I’m marrying her. I love Gwen. Every atom of me loves Gwen. Has done since the first time I laid eyes on her. Okay?
Barry: You loved Cerys Morgan once.
Rhys: I was twelve years old!
Brenda: Gwen seems to be taking her time.
Mrs. Cooper: You remember how it is, Brenda. The bride likes to make an entrance.
Brenda: Maybe. But I wasn’t late for my wedding.
Mrs. Cooper: No. Barry might have got away.
Brenda: The problem seems to be an American with no sense of timing or fashion.
Shape Shifter: Let me have my young and I won’t hurt you.
Rhys: You’re too late, it’s gone! I’ve had a gutful of you. You get my girlfriend pregnant, you impersonate my mum, and you ruin my wedding day! the chainsaw dies Fuck.
Shape Shifter: Rhys, you’re a bad boy. And you know what bad boys get! she explodes
Jack: How’s that for a shape shift?
Joshua Joy: Ladies and gentlemen, girls and boys! Have we got a show for you tonight. A once-in-a-lifetime show! Amaze your ears, astonish your eyes, then run along home and tell your friends and neighbors. A once-in-a-lifetime show. Never to be forgotten for the rest of your lives. So why not step inside? We’re waiting for you.
Jonathan: I’ve been compiling old footage of Hope Street and the Electro for opening night. But the circus clips weren’t on it, I swear.
Jack: So the film
that was shown wasn’t meant to be here?
Jonathan: No. And that’s what’s so scary. I mean, it kind of played itself. It’s like it wanted to be seen.
Jack: Like something was trying to get through.
Pearl: Make her cry. I want to drink her tears.
Christina: Your eyes are older than your face.
Jack: Is that a bad thing?
Jonathan: There’s that smell again. Like chemicals.
Ianto: Yeah, I can smell it. Like when you develop a film.
Jonathan: That woman. She grabbed me. But her hand, it was different. It wasn’t like a hand. It wasn’t like flesh. It was it was like touching a piece of plastic, a piece of celluloid.
Jack: They were on this film for 80 years. Became part of it. What if we filmed them?
Ianto: A film of a film?
Jack: Yeah. Then they’d be trapped. Is this thing loaded?
Joshua Joy: What are you? There’s not a breath in your poor, sad body. You’re no use to me.
PC Andy: Is this beneath you now?
PC Andy: What’s with the attitude?
You’ve got a face like a slapped ass.
Gwen: I’m waiting for you to tell me where you were.
PC Andy: Where I was when?
Gwen: At the wedding.
PC Andy: I rang you. I had to work.
Gwen: I didn’t realize you still had feelings for me.
PC Andy: Well I don’t. Alright? I just had a moment. Don’t flatter yourself.
Gwen: If you want to talk about it—
PC Andy: I want to talk about this kid. Jonah.
Gwen: Teenagers go missing all the time. I mean, why is this one special?
PC Andy: I was the first one here. I sat with his mum all night and then next day. And everytime I tell her we’ve got nothing new I see a bit of her dying.
Gwen: Anything strange about the case?
PC Andy: Like you don’t know.
Gwen: Could be one of the lights on the barrage.
PC Andy: Alright, stop lying. You know what happened here. Why aren’t you telling me?
Gwen: What are you talking about, Andy?
PC Andy: Right, 45 minutes later. What’s your
mate Mulder doing there?
PC Andy: So, you’re covering it up then.
Gwen: Jack said it was a coincidence. I can’t help.
PC Andy: Thanks a lot. I should have known. Bloody Torchwood. Fob me off why don’t you.
Gwen: No. If there was something going on I would tell you.
PC Andy: Do you know what’s happened to you Gwen? You’ve got hard.
Gwen: Yeah? Well maybe I’ve had to.
PC Andy: You used to care. You used to give a bother about people.
PC Andy: You’re one of them now, aren’t you? Too busy to bother with a missing child. What is it? Not major enough for you? Not spooky enough? I’m sorry to bother you.
Nikki: It’s the hope that’s killing me.
PC Andy: How’s Rhys? Other than hungry?
PC Andy: Bloody hell! How many of them are there?
Andy: 50 quid.
Gwen: That’s a bit steep, innit? Offer him 35.
Andy: Gwen, are you trying to be funny? If you want to haggle go to Morocco.
Helen: He’s supposed to warn us about visitors.
Gwen: Law unto himself, isn’t he?
Helen: And he knows we’ll always forgive him.
Andy: You’d never recommend for me to join Torchwood, would you?
Gwen: I thought you wanted to know what happened to him.
Nikki: I did. I was wrong. It was better when I didn’t know. Before you, I had hope.
Blonde: Who’s the Doctor?
Jack: No idea.
Brun: Hm. “The Doctor. He’ll be able to fix me.” “When the Doctor, it’ll all be put right.”
“You wait ’til I see the Doctor. First I’m going to kiss him, then I’m going to kill him.”
Bl: You’re in Torchwood: Cardiff. The Torchwood Institute was created to combat the threat posed by the Doctor and other phantasmagoria.
Jack laughing: He’s not a threat. The Doctor’s the one who will save you from your phantasma-whojits.
Bl: Just tell us his location.
Jack: I don’t know! He left me behind. I came here to find him. He refuels from that rift you have. I’m hoping that if I stay here long enough we’ll find each other.
Card Reader: He’s coming—the one you’re looking for. But the century will turn to ice. Before you find each other.
Jack: Oo! Are you for real? This sinks in. You mean I have to wait a hundred years to find him? What do I do in the meantime?
Alex: 21st Century, Jack. Everything’s going to change. And we’re not ready.
Rhys: He was dead! I checked his pulse! He was dead!
Tosh: You’ve got what you want. Now let her go.
Woman: Except now you’re the victim of your own success. Perfectly situated. Proven ability. You can give us so much more.
Tosh: And what if I refuse?
Woman: Then your mother stays with us. And your brilliance is used against her.
Intercom: This is a UNIT facility.. Your rights as a citizen have been withdrawn. You will be held here indefinitely. We are not required to provide you with legal representation. Anything you say will be recorded. You will be allowed no communication with any person or organization outside this facility. There is no right of appeal. If you fail to comply with the rules we are authorized to discipline you.
Tosh: Is my mother safe?
Intercom: We can not provide you with that information.
John: Oh! Deja vu! Or did I say that already? Hey team. Of course there mighht be a few less of you by now. Don’t know if you liked my little gift. “course you can’t die. And with all that life, all that time, you can’t spare any for me. Oh! Say Hi to the family.
Jack: No. It can’t be.
John: Been awhile since you’ve seen your brother. Eh Jack?
John: Okay, here’s what’s going to happen: Everything you love, everything you treasure. will die. I’m gonna tear your world apart, Captain Jack Harknes, piece by piece. Starting now. Maybe now you’ll want to spend some time with me.
John: I’ve been here quite awhile. What kept you?
Jack: We all survived. You know if you’re going to set an explosion you need to be more efficient.
John: Oh, them. They were just prototypes. Had to test out a theory. How are they all? Your little team?
Jack: What do you want?
John: I want you to know that I love you.
Jack: Funny way of showing it.
John: No seriously. You have to understand. I really do love you. ‘Cause this. Is gonna get nasty.
Andy: Rhys what are you doing here? This is a crime scene, and a confidential crime scene at that. If it gets out what happened here they’ll be a city-wide panic.
Gwen: Rhys isn’t going to blab.
Rhys: I’m keeping more secrets than you’d ever believe.
Andy: Yeah right. Like what?
Rhys: Like a Time Agency based in Cardiff.
Gwen: Oh, it’s not based in Cardiff.
Andy: Brilliant secret. I ask, you tell. Well done.
Jack: This is a little extreme, don’t you think?
John: Oh what? Suddenly you’re anti-bondage?
Jack: Why are you doing this?
John: Well see. Now you’re interested in me. It’s always the same. Nobody
cares until you tie them up. A number of reasons, actually. You were very rude to me.
John: Very rude indeed. In front of people who barely knew me. You belittled me. I can’t let that go.
Jack: You’re serious?
John: Second, you have all of time—eternity, essentially—and you still refuse to spend time with me. After all we’ve been through together, after all I’ve done for you.
Jack: Where’s Grey? What have you done with my brother?
John: You don’t realize…. Actions, ramifications, ripples in the pond. It’s beyond my control.
Jack: Oh “beyond your control”. Please.
John: It is. You need to understand that.
Jack: Don’t touch those controls!
John: Oy! I’m working here.
Jack: Whatever you’re planning, we’re going to stop you.
John: Oh! Okay. Go on then. Stop me. I hope you can. Really. No? Alright. Let’s go get ourselves a good view.
John: Attention, Torchwood employees. Evenin’ all. Now, stop what you’re doing.
Gwen: Jack, what’s going on? Are you okay?
John: Jack can’t come to the comms right now, but if you leave a message I’ll be sure and pass it along.
Gwen: What have you done to him?
John: No no. Wrong question. You should be asking, What am I about to do to you.
Ianto: Put Jack on right now.
John: Eye Candy! That was so masterful, so… bossy. So basically powerless.
John: Take a good look. Remember this. Because it all goes so quick.
Jack: You destroyed the city!
John: Hold me.
John: We’re safe. Now, before you do anything rash you have to hear—
Jack: Take us back now!
John: No way. We have to be this far to escape the trigger signal. Look at it, go on. It’s bonded to my skin, I can’t get it off. Open it.
John: Ninth generation detonator.
Jack: You’re a walking bomb.
John laughs: Add to that a surveillance circuit to monitor my every word and action, and he has me doing anything I’m told. ‘Cause if I don’t: boom! I’m not my own man. I thought you’d see that. But oh no! You’re so self-obsessed you thought I’d want to blow up your stupid city. When I could be experiencing seventeen simultaneous pleasures in the Lotus Nebula.
Grey: I never stopped believing. I always knew we’d find each other again.
Grey: Sorry’s not good enough. stabs him. Get a shovel.
Rhys: Bloody impressive, eh?
Andy: She is that. Lucky sod.
Grey: How long before you gave up? Months? Years? Decades?
Jack: What do you want from me?
Grey: I want you to suffer. I want your life.
John: Alright, calling a halt now. I can’t let you do this.
Grey: Fill the grave.
John: No way.
Grey: Then the detonator on your arm gets activated. John throws a ring into the grave. What’s that?
John: It’s a… sentimental value.
John: You took your time.
Gwen: On your knees!
John: Honestly, it’s just sex sex sex with you people.
Gwen: Why should I trust you?
John: They were separated as children. Grey was abducted. When I found him, he was chained to the ruins of a city in the Bedlam Outlands. Surrounded by corpses. He was the only one left. The creatures had long since gone. Don’t know how long he’d been there. He thought I was the rescuing hero. So it took me too long to realize he had learned terrible things watching those creatures. He let me trust him.
John: See? Free man. Apparently. I didn’t have to come back here. I could have run.
John: He said he was going to take Jack’s life—destroy it from the inside out. The Weevil wake-up call could be just the beginning.
Rhys: Bloody hell. How many were there? It’s like Fort Apache the Bronx, innit.
Andy: Apart from the fact that surrounding forces are savage aliens and we all could die, it’s almost exactly the same, yeah. Thanks for that.
John: You know you got a real pest problem around here.
Gwen: God, I’m so pleased to see you. Ianto goes to shoot John
John: Don’t start. I’ll make thing right, Eye Candy.
Jack: I forgive you.
Grey: How did you survive?
TORCHWOOD HUB, 1901
How long since you first discovered it?
Three days now.
Just one signal, regular as clockwork. But I haven’t told you the best bit. I can track it to a physical location.
Grey: The only strength I have is my hatred for you.
Jack: I didn’t know. I didn’t realize until it was too late.
Grey: I begrudge you everything. I wanna rip it all from you, to leave you screaming in the dark. I will never absolve you. All of it, it’s your fault.
Rhys: What happened? Where’ve they all gone?
John: I’m sorry. For your losses.