The O.C. Seth Cohen

Season 1

2004.10.26    

Pilot

Seth to Ryan: Do you want to play Grand Theft Auto? It’s pretty cool. You can like, steal cars and… not that that’s cool. Or uncool. I don’t know… um…

Seth: I have this plan. I don’t know what you’ll think. But, um, next July the trade winds shift west, and I want to sail to Tahiti. I can do it in 44 days, maybe even 42.
Ryan: Wow. That sounds really cool man.

Seth to Ryan: Summer’s right over there, look. I’m— Stop. Don’t look, don’t look. I mean you can look, but don’t look like you’re looking.

Sandy pointing: Is that Summer?
Seth: I’m gonna go… sit.
Ryan: Way to salt his game, Mr. Cohen.

Seth: Wow, I’m sorry. I should really learn to knock. In case there’s a threesome going on in the bathroom.

Seth: You guys really wouldn’t hurt me. Because that would be so clichéd. they pick him up. Oh, I guess you’re fans of the cliché.

Seth: Well… I don’t know what to say. Except that you totally had my back out there. You were like out of Fight Club or something. I don’t know.

Seth: What a little night we had there. I’m not going to forget it, Ryan. I’m not gonna forget that one.

The Model Home

Seth: You know what I was thinking? I think that this being your last night and all, we should do something special. I don’t know what. Possibly get a couple of tattoos, or some hookers and lose our virginity. Right? Nothing. Okay, dude, I don’t know. There’s a shark movie at the IMAX if that’s what you’re into.

Sandy: We’re not saying we want you to cook more.
Seth: Oh hell no. You remember the meatloaf incident of ’98?
Kirsten: That was brisket.
Seth: Yeah, that’s my point exactly.

Sandy: …And you know, they do find foster homes for kids your age.
Seth: Yeah, because everybody wants a brand new teenager. I’m sorry if I’m the only one here that will state the obvious—
Kirsten: Seth!
Seth: —but we have all this extra room here. We have a pool house. Yet. You guys are going to ship him off to a group home? Am I the only one who gets how much that sucks?
Ryan: It’s okay. Really.

Seth: I want to come with you. You know what I’ve always wanted to do besides sail to Tahiti? I want to do that whole Kerouac thing. Hit the road, stop at diner to diner, the pancake tour of North America.
Ryan: No.
Seth: Fair enough.

Seth: Where you going?
Ryan: I don’t know. New town, get a job somewhere, save some money.
Seth: That’s a great plan. Sounds like you’ve given it a lot of thought.
Ryan: Got a better idea?
Seth: Actually I do.

Sandy: There’s no need for sarcasm.
Seth: I’m not being sarcastic.
Sandy: It’s hard to tell sometimes.

Marissa: You guys are up to something.
Seth: Dude, what’d you tell her?
Ryan: I didn’t tell her anything. Maybe the black turtleneck in August tipped her off.
Seth: Okay, I was going for stealth. And also it’s slimming.

Marissa driving : Why won’t you tell me where we’re going? This is pretty far away.
Seth: Oh, wow. Complaining. That’s very interesting considering nobody invited you.
Marissa: Before I came along you were on a skateboard.

Marissa: What’s your problem, Cohen? I mean what did I ever do to you?
Seth: Nothing, Marissa. I’ve lived next door to you forever and you’ve never done or said anything to me.
Marissa: Oh my god. You’re the one that never talks to me. You think you’re so much better than everyone.
Seth: I do? Well if you’re talking about Luke, then yes. Because that guy shaves his chest.
Marissa: He plays water polo.
Seth: We know. Half the team tried to kill us the other night.

Luke Ward: Shut up, queer.
Seth quietly: Yeah, well at least I don’t shave my chest.
Luke: What did you just say?
Seth: I said you look good in a sweater vest. It was a compliment.
Luke: Do you want me to break you, Cohen?
Ryan: Hey.
Luke: No way. Look who’s back. You know you’re a little far from 8 Mile.

What are you doing?
Seth: Just busy.
You’re always busy.
Seth: It’s the price of fame.

Sandy: Promise me right now that you’d never do that—that you’d never run away, no matter how bad things may seem. Your mom and I will always be there.
Seth: Dad, please. Take it down a notch.
Sandy: From the minute you were born I knew that I would never take another easy breath again without knowing you were safe.
Seth: So I’m like asthma?

Seth: You forced me to live amongst these pod people and the first cool person I meet, you kick him out of the house.
Kirsten: I did the best I could.
Seth: So did I.

The Gamble

Kirsten: Where do you think you’re going?
Seth: What are you doing out here?
Kirsten: I’m taking a Newpsie break. Where are you going?
Seth: I’m not going anywhere.
Kirsten: Seth.
Seth: I’m going to juvie to visit Ryan.
Kirsten: No. No you’re not. No way.
Seth: Okay. Bye.
Kirsten: Seth. I know that I am not the perfect Carol Brady mom but I love you and I am trying to protect you. I have dropped all the charges against him. I have hired someone to find his mother. What more do you want?
Seth: I would like you to go with me.

Jimmy: So. How’s your mother?
Seth: Ah, just… married.

Seth: Star Wars convention? I’m sorry, her top was off. You couldn’t at least said X-Men for me?

Summer: You’re not going anywhere, Sid.
Seth: Seth.
Summer: Whatever.
Seth: Okay.

Seth about Summer: By the end of the night, she might know my first name.

The Debut

Kirsten: Seth, we need to talk to Ryan.
Seth: Okay. If this has to do with the rug, though, I just wanted to tell you that Ryan had nothing to do with it.
Kirsten: What about the rug?
Seth: I’m gonna go now.

Ryan: You knew about this and didn’t say anything.
Seth: I didn’t wanna jinx it. Dude. You’re a Cohen now. Welcome to a life of insecurity and paralyzing self-doubt.
Ryan: Yeah. Now all I have to do is stay out of trouble.
Seth: Yeah. That could be… difficult.

Kirsten: And we should clean all this out so you have room for your…. Right. You don’t have any stuff. Which means we’ve gotta go shopping. For clothes and shoes and underpants.
Seth: Mom. Don’t say “underpants”.

Sandy: Fellas, you mind?
Seth: Oh. Ah, if this is about the vase…
Sandy: Which vase?
Seth: Nothing. Let’s go, Ryan.

Ryan panicked: Dancing? You didn’t tell me there was dancing.
Seth: Well if I told you there was dancing, I’d be here by myself right now.
Ryan: Because I really don’t dance.
Seth: Neither do I. I just move well.

Holly: Yeah, it’s at my house. I do it every year for cotillion.
Seth: You didn’t do it last year.
Holly: Yeah we did.
Seth: Ouch.

Seth: Ah, you’re a really… good barbecuetionist.

Seth: Wow. You just got your butt kicked and you didn’t even fight back. Dude, you really are a Cohen.

Ryan: Look, your parents taking me in, it’s like the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me. I’m not gonna lose it just to kick some guy’s ass.
Seth: But you could totally kick his ass, right?
Ryan: Oh yeah.
Seth: Cool.

Seth: Anna, just know that—in life—there are peaks and there are—
Anna: Ryan’s not coming, is he?
Seth: Kinda took the wind out of my sails, but yes.

Anna: Do you know what girls find sexy?
Seth: No. Wait, let me guess. Dude’s that play water polo.
Anna: Confidence! Watch this. Seth.
Seth: Yes?
Anna: I don’t have a date for cotillion. would you be my escort?
Seth: I don’t… I mean—
Anna: Confidence, Cohen.
Seth: Let’s do this.

The Outsider

Seth: Is that a new shirt?
Ryan: Yeah. Your mom bought me some new clothes. Which she didn’t have to do.
Seth: Right. Because we all know you get a lot of mileage out of a tank top. Hey, speaking of which, do you think I could pull off the wife beater? You know, switch up my look. Gotcha. You got your s style, I’ve got mine.

Ryan: Ever since your parents took me in they’ve been paying for everything. I can’t keep taking their money.
Seth: They’re parents. They work for us.

Ryan: You gonna be okay?
Seth: Yes. Before you moved here all I did was hang out by myself anyways. So it’s really a return to form.

Seth: How do you feel about a little thing that I like to call… the IMAX Experience. pause. This town sucks, best I could do.

Seth: I do enjoy the crazy honeys.

Ryan: It’s kind of a shady neighborhood. It’s pretty hardcore up there.
Seth: Dude, it’s Long Beach, not Chechnya.

In front of a trashed Range Rover
Sandy: So this happened in the parking lot of the IMAX movie theater?
Seth: Shark movies bring out a rough crowd.

Seth: It turns out that I’m quite skilled at getting a date, provided it’s not for me.

Donnie: How much ‘you hate this kid, Ryan? The way he talks to you like you’re trash? What about you, Seth?
Seth: Yeah. He’s definitely flawed.

Seth: It’d be good to take some me-time—work on the novel. Tonight would make a good chapter. Were you scared?
Ryan: Yeah.

Seth: United, we’re unstoppable, but divided it’s like—
Ryan: People get shot.
Seth: That’s what I’m saying.

The Girlfriend

Sandy: Are we worried your dad won’t love us if we don’t feed him enough?
Kirsten: Alright, starting now, no more digs at my dad.
Sandy: Oh honey, that wasn’t a dig. Seth?
Seth: No. When you called him a heartless bastard, that was a dig.
Sandy: You sold me out.

Seth: See they’re like puppets and I’m the puppet master.
Ryan: World domination to follow.

Caleb Nichol: You’re still not a football player.
Seth: Ah. Yes. No. But thank you. Ah, Grandpa. Meet my friend Ryan.
Caleb Nichol: This is the kid that burned down my house.

Gabrielle: Fifth grade? Okay, she needs to change it up. She’s known that guy since he’s been eating paste.
Seth: I think he still does.

Seth: It’s fate, it’s destiny. Look, we both like burritos.
Ryan: Wanna eat somewhere else?
Seth oblivious: Who’s winning right now, me or my hair?

Seth: Ryan, you’ve been playing the pirate game? That’s a little bit minty.

Seth: I would like some answers.
Ryan: Yeah, okay. We hooked up.
Seth: What?
Ryan: Isn’t that what you were asking with the whole “exhibit A”?
Seth: I noticed some heavy flirting, yes. You hooked up with my grandma? Actually that’s kinda hot.

Seth about Luke’s new attitude: Okay, he got shot in the arm. Not the head.

Seth: Do you have any idea how pathetic it is to sit there and listen to you babble about mergers and acquisitions while some guy just stares at your boobs?
Summer: Which guy was staring at my boobs?
Seth: Who cares. See, the point is that guy doesn’t know you. He doesn’t care about who you really are. In fact, he has no idea that every day of third grade, you shared your lunch with that little skinny squirrel who kept getting his nuts stolen by that fat squirrel.
Summer: I hated that mean squirrel.

The Escape

Seth: The plan is undeniable, Ryan.
Ryan: I’m denying it.
Seth: We have my mom’s Range Rover. We have a perfect alibi as I go to this comic-book convention every year, and we also have my entire life of never doing anything wrong which completely lulls my parents into a false sense of trust.
Ryan: And you wanna throw all that away for Summer in a wet t-shirt doing body shots?
Seth: I’m sorry, I thought that was a rhetorical question. Yes, Ryan, yes. On the last weekend before school, one goes to Tijuana. It is tradition. And it is a rite of passage.
And you know what else? What happens in Mexico stays in Mexico.
Ryan: What happens in Mexico?
Seth: I don’t know, because it stays there. That’s why we must go!

Seth: Check you out. Big pimpin’.
Sandy: Well, I’ve got a meeting with a private law firm.
Ryan: What, are you suing one of their clients?
Sandy: It’s a job interview.
Kirsten: Which he’ll never take. They like to flatter him every once in awhile.
Sandy: Yeah, I go for the free meal.
Ryan: But, I mean, you’re still gonna be a public defender, right?
Kirsten: After 15 years? There’s no way he’s selling out.
Sandy: Well, it’d have to be one hell of a free meal.
Seth: And that’s what they call a callback in comedy, Ryan.

Summer: We should be there in three hours.
Seth: Well the GPS says the ETA is three and a half.
Summer: Well that’s because someone drives like an old woman.
Seth: I’m going 70 in a 65 zone.
Summer: Eighty is the new 70.
Seth: What? Who talks like that?
Summer: Who gets passed by a van full of nuns? Oh, wait, Cohen does!
Seth: Well they have God on their side, Summer, okay? I’m not gonna beat Jesus.

Summer: What is up with the AC? My hair is frizzing out. I look like Howard Stern.
Seth: See strangely I feel like my jewfro benefits from this climate.
Summer: You’re Jewish?
Seth: Yes. That’s why I feel so comfortable in this desert heat.
Summer: This is a nightmare. I’m sweating to death, driving ten miles an hour in, like, a rickshaw, listening to this… music.
Seth: Hey, do not insult Death Cab.
Summer: It’s like one guitar and a whole lot of complaining.

Marissa: Guys, can we try to stay positive here?
Seth: Yeah, well I am positive that this is Summer’s fault.
Summer: I am positive that I’m leaving this place with a rash.
Seth: Oh, so you plan on making some extra money tonight?

Summer: Come on. Get off the bed!
Seth: Nope.
Summer: Be, like, a gentleman?
Seth: Chivalry’s dead, sugar.
Summer get onto the bed
Summer: You make a move, I rip out your jugular.
Seth: Oh hey, pillow talk.

Seth: Think we should have woke Ryan and Marissa?
Summer: No. They looked so cute together. Vomit.
Seth: Hey. That’s a real sentimental streak you’ve got there, Summer.
Summer: Trouser it, Cohen. It’s too early for your so-called comedy.
Seth: You enjoy my comedy. You know what else you enjoy? Me.
Summer: Well that’s because you’re mentally unstable.
Seth: Be that as it may, I think the facts speak for themselves. Might I remind you of a little something that I like to call “The time that you kissed me by the pool at my grandfather’s birthday party.”
Summer: What are you talking about?
Seth: Okay. I know that denial is a very powerful coping mechanism, but I just think, Summer, that it’s time we paid lip service to our lip service.
Summer: Two words: no tongue.
Seth: Well, you did agree to take this little trip with me down Mexico way.
Summer: I needed a ride.
Seth: We shared the same bed.
Summer: I wasn’t going to sleep on that couch. It smelled like these eggs.
Seth: You ate my toast, Summer.
Summer: I like crusts, Seth.
Seth: Face it, our chemistry is undeniable.
Summer: You know what else is undeniable? The pain this fork is going to cause when I jam it into your eye! … I suffer from rage blackouts.

The Rescue

Seth: My mom’s more popular than me. That’s a little pathetic, I realize.

Seth: You have to get in. I will not spend another year at that school alone. Thank you, please, study.

Seth: Not now Mom. I’m studying naked.
Summer: Ew.

Summer: What is this?
Seth: I don’t know. I’ve never seen it before.
Summer: What’s its name?
Seth: I don’t know… Captain Oats.

Seth: You’re a strange and mysterious woman, Summer.

Seth: So you still think that, after everything that happened today, when we get back to school you’re going to be able to ignore me?
Summer: Well. All I can do is try.
Seth: I admire your will.

Kirsten: Okay, now let’s talk about that surprise little trip to Tijuana.
Seth: It’s pronounced Tijuana. That’s how— You’re so white, mom.

Sandy: You and Summer seemed pretty chummy yesterday.
Seth: Dad. “Chummy”?
Sandy: It’s okay, you can tell me.
Seth: No really, I can’t.
Sandy: If you can’t tell your dad, who can you talk to?
Seth: Gee, I don’t know. Uh, Ryan, Mom, that tree over there.
Sandy: You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone.
Seth: When are you leaving?

Seth: Congratulations, Dude. You’re a Pirate.
Ryan: You guys are the Pirates?
Seth: Yeah I know. It’s a bit minty.

Seth: God! Dad! Those eyebrows are out of control.
Sandy: It’s a sign of power, you know.
Seth: Well then you must be the most powerful man in the world.
Sandy: Yeah well brace yourself, son. It’s genetic.

Seth: There’s a new invention that just came out you might have heard of. It’s called tweezers.
Sandy: Oo! You’re killing me.
Seth: Oh snap.
Sandy: You are killing me.

The Heights

Kirsten: You know, I ask you questions in the hopes of illiciting an actual response.
Seth: I feel I convey more with a look.
Kirsten: You look adorable.
Seth: No.
Kirsten: Cute? Dope? Rad?
Seth: Please! Please! This is so painful.

Seth: How do you do that, by the way? How do you convey everything with just a look? Ryan gives him a look. And again!

Kirsten: How are you doing? Nervous?
Ryan: Why would I be nervous?
Seth: Because we’re going to school with like, 300 Lukes, minus the redeeming social qualities.

Seth: Yeah, that’s the mantra every year, and every year some big water polo player ends up peeing in one of my shoes… Nah, I’m just kidding. He pees in both.

Seth: The Master Race, it’s been perfected, Ryan. And they all go to our school.

Seth: So, Summer. If you would care to join me for lunch today I can arrange to have an empty chair available.
Summer: There’s nothing but empty chairs at your table.
Anna Stern: Seth Cohen?
Seth: Anna! Hey, how’re you doing?
Summer: Um, excuse me. We were talking here.
Anna: Oh, so insulting him counts as conversation?
Seth: Yeah, well, if it doesn’t we’ve never spoken.

Anna: Seth, what are you doing? I thought you got past this Summer thing at Cotillion.
Seth: Right. And I know, Anna, that it seems like not a lot of progress has been made, but I have to tell you— Yeah, not that much progress has been made.

Seth: Hey Summer. What’s going on?
Summer: Coop’s stuck on the Ferris wheel. And I was looking for someone to go on the Tilt-a-whirl with me.
Seth: I’ll go on it with you.
Summer: Okay. I might vomit.
Seth: I like those odds.

The Perfect Couple

Seth: Oh I get it. I’m just here for the comic relief.

Seth: But you have before, right? Wow. That’s what I thought. I just didn’t want to jump to conclusions. Because my experience is sort of limited. And?
Ryan: And what?
Seth: Was it awesome?
Ryan: Which time?
Seth: Ah… There were— I don’t know. How many times were there?
Ryan: Same girl or different girls?
Seth: There were different girls? How many different girls were there? Ryan starts counting in his head. I have to sit down.

Seth: So when you lost your virginity, I was playing Magic: The Gathering.
Ryan: You still play Magic.
Seth: Yeah, but not as much.

Seth: Summer, I’ll walk you to bio.
Summer: I can walk myself.
Seth: Great. Then you can walk me too.

Seth: So get this: Anna thinks all I ever do is talk about Summer. I mean that’s crazy, right?
Ryan: You want me to lie?
Seth: I’m that guy? Dude, how can I be that guy? I hate that guy.

Seth: You and Julie Cooper trapped on a boat, huh? Yeah, can’t wait to see how that one goes.
Ryan: I don’t really have a choice, since she’s my girlfriend.
Seth: What? “Girlfriend”? I thought that you didn’t do girlfriends. I mean you did them, but you, you know…
Ryan: I don’t. And this is not a good way to start.

Seth: Okay, I promise I’m never going to mention Summer’s name again. Except for that. From now on we will only talk about the things we have in common. Like, how do you feel about Newport charity events, huh?
Anna: I hate them.
Seth: Me too. So what do you say you come with me. We’ll hang out and we’ll just quietly mock people.

Seth: Yo.
Anna: What up, Holmes?
Seth: Chillin’.
Anna: A’ight.

Anna: So, this is your crib? This is where all the magic happens?
Seth: Well, if by magic, you’re referring to the card game, then sadly, yes.
Anna: You have a hot tub. Do you ever use it?
Seth: Hot tub’s for the ho’s. I usually hang in the Grotto.

Marissa: So I’m just going to run to the girls’ room. It’s down the hall, right?
Anna: I gotta go too.
Seth: Right. Because girls can’t pee alone. Ryan rolls his eyes. What? It’s Anna. I could have said “pop a squat” in front of her if I wanted to.
Ryan: Sometimes I think you talk just to make sounds.
Seth: Sometimes I do.

Seth: What’s going on here?
Summer: I like Seth Cohen.
Seth: You, ah… you what now?
Summer: Nothing. I wasn’t talking to you.

The Homecoming

Seth: Do you know what I dream about when I dream about Thanksgiving, which is often? I dream about eating so much deliciousness that all the blood rushes to my stomach and I pass out at the table. Please don’t deny me that.
Ryan: That’s just weird.

Seth: So you should probably be heading out soon.
Ryan: I gotta finish the stuffing. Then there’s the gravy, candied yams.
Seth: Yeah, and if you find enough cooking to last three to five years, then Trey’ll be out.

Ryan: Trey doesn’t even read comics.
Seth: Yeah, he doesn’t yet, But that’s because he hasn’t seen the new Titans.
Ryan: Titans. What about Legion? That was kinda cooler.
Seth: The guy’s in prison, man. Have you seen Oz? I’m sure that’ll be fine. But, yeah. The new Legion is cooler.

Seth: Did you guys hear that Ryan’s funny now.

Kirsten: We’re just working away.
Seth: Okay, if by “we” you’re referring to yourself then somebody violated the pact.
Kirsten: I am merely opening the wine. A skill I feel very confident about.
Seth: No argument here.

Summer: I just can’t help it.
Seth: Uh uh.
Summer: And I certainly can’t explain it. You didn’t tell anyone?
Seth: Of course not.
Summer: ‘Cause I’ll kill you.
Seth: No, I believe you.

Seth trying to be heard over the blender: Hey, so Marissa’s with Ryan.
Kirsten: What?
Seth: I said Marissa’s in Chino.
Kirsten: I can’t hear you!
Seth: I said Marissa is in Chino! Wow. That actually happens in real life.
Kirsten: What? What did you say?
Seth: Yeah, no. I said that Marissa has my chinos. I love those pants.
Caleb: Looks like we’ll be here awhile. to Kirsten You ready to talk?
Kirsten to all: Fresh margs?

Ryan: Hey man. What are you doing?
Seth: Not… lying with Captain Oats.
Marissa: Why are you on the floor?
Seth: I figured I’d just end up her anyway so might as well cut out the middleman.
Ryan: Well looks like things went pretty well.
Seth: Yeah, same for you. Nice shiner.
Marissa: Yeah. So can we sit with you and Captain Oats?
Seth: Yeah. Please. Hey, nothing says Thanksgiving like Moo Shu Pork. So what’d your brother say?
Ryan: Goodbye.
Seth: So Chino was, ah….
Ryan: It’s good to be home.
Marissa: Hey. So Seth, did you know that Ryan did musicals?
Seth: Ryan, that’s extremely minty of you. I didn’t even know they had musicals in Chino. I didn’t even
know they had dancing. Or… laughter.
Ryan: That’s because no one who lived there is as funny as you.
Seth: So, we finally agree that I’m the funny one. Well look at that! Looks like we all learned some valuable lessons this Thanksgiving. It’s heartwarming.

The Secret

Seth: Do I have a fever? I think I might have a fever and/or the chills.
Ryan: Since when?
Seth: Since recently.
Sandy: So you’re not feeling well?
Seth: No, I feel fine. coughs. Just my head’s a little achy and my stomach’s kind of weird. I’m okay.
Sandy: C’mere. feels his forehead. Huh. You don’t feel warm.
Seth: What about cold or clammy?
Ryan: Maybe you’ve got the Summer flu.
Seth: Yeah, it’s November, but it’s possible.
Ryan: Maybe you need some Anna-biotics.

Seth defiantly: Hey! I’m not afraid of Summer and Anna, alright? *beat* Well, I’m not afraid of Anna.
Ryan: So you’re going to school.
Sandy: And you’re going to yogalates.
Kirsten: You just like saying that.
Sandy: Yogalates? I kinda do. To Ryan Yogalates?
Ryan: Yogalates.

Seth: You and Luke?
Marissa: I know!
Seth: Holy unholy alliances!

Seth: Hey, I was hoping I’d bump into you. I wanted to ta— Hi Summer. And Anna, hanging out together. Wow. Wow. That’s um, that’s awkward.
Anna: Not really.
Seth: Well I meant for me.

Luke: What are you looking at, queer?
Seth: Is somebody writing you new material? Luke lunges at him. Alright. Go with what works.

Ryan: I was just over there. They seemed really happy.
Seth: By “happy” do you mean gay?
Kirsten: Seth.
Seth: Yes?
Kirsten: Cut it out.

Seth: Let me start by saying nothing in my life, nothing, prepared me for the events of the fateful Thanksgiving Day. But I’m not gonna make any excuses for what I did. I just wanna say one little thing in my defense, which is, you can’t really blame me for wanting the company of either of you two.

Anna: That was so sweet what you said earlier. And I could tell you really meant it. We both know sincerity is not your strong point.
Seth: I’m working on it.

Sandy: Hey Seth. Ask your mother who was at the door.
Seth: Mom, who was at the door?
Kirsten: Julie Cooper, bearing gifts.
Seth: Julie Cooper, Dad.

The Best Chrismukkah Ever

Seth: So what’s it going to be, huh? Do you want your menorah or candy cane? Hm? Hanukkah or Christmas?
Ryan: Uh…
Seth: Uh uh. Don’t worry about it, buddy. Because in this house you don’t have to choose. Allow me to introduce you to a little something that I like to call Chrismukkah.
Ryan: Chrismukkah?
Seth: That’s right. It’s the new holiday Ryan, and it’s sweeping the nation.

Ryan: What are you wrapping?
Seth: Two Seth Cohen Starter Packs. We’ve got Death Cab, we’ve got Brighteyes, we’ve got The Shins. we’ve got Kavalier and Clay. And we’ve got Goonies. It’s not
just for kids, Ryan. It’s not. I don’t care what they tell you.

Seth: C’mon, man. Lighten up! Ryan doesn’t lighten up. Okay fine. Stay dark. Dark works too.

Ryan: You’re really starting to scare me.
Seth: I’m okay with that.

Ryan: You better pray for a Chrismukkah miracle.
Seth: I’ve got Jesus and Moses on my side, man.

Seth: Hey. What are you doing, working from home?
Kirsten: I’m on vacation.
Seth surveying the paperwork: Yes. Clearly.
Kirsten: I find reviewing end-of-the-year accounts to be very relaxing.
Seth: Okay. I hope that’s a recessive gene.

Kirsten: You should be so lucky. Look, I haven’t taken a vacation in a while and I’m easing into it.
Seth: Hey, I don’t judge okay? I only mock.
Kirsten: That you get from your father.
Seth checking his eyebrows: Oh my god, they’re coming in? Oh that’s… I gotcha…

Seth: How was the mall?
Ryan: Eh, weird.
Seth: Yes. You’ve really painted a picture for me. I feel like I was there.
Ryan: Marissa picked up a few things. Without paying for them.
Seth: What, as in?
Ryan: Shoplifting.
Yeah.
Seth: Yeah, that’s weird.

Seth: I’m gonna go make magic happen. I feel like my hair’s working for me tonight.

Seth: Hey Anna. Summer was just giving me her gift. It’s cool.
Anna: You’re Wonder Woman?
Summer: Yeah. So?
Anna: I mean you look… amazing. Is that my story? Oh my god. I made you a comic book. What am I, eight?
Summer to herself: Way to go, Wonder Whore.
Seth: Hey, Wonder Woman’s not a whore, okay? Stop.
Summer: What are we doing?
Anna: I don’t know. This is ridiculous.
Seth: Okay, you guys, one second please. Let’s not have one speed bump derail the whole train okay? Let’s not throw the baby out with the bath water. Let’s… let’s make some more metaphors.
Summer: Look, I’m not into talking about, like, feelings or whatever. But I like you, okay? And so does she. If we don’t put an end to this soon—
Anna: Someone’s going to get hurt.
Summer: You gotta choose Cohen.

Seth: How was your night?
Ryan: Marissa got drunk and we got pulled over by the cops with an open container of vodka.
Seth: Hey. That Marissa, she’s really making life interesting for you.
Ryan: Yeah. We got into a fight.
Seth: What about the cop?
Ryan: He got a radio call. Let us off with a warning for the busted tail light. Now you see why I hate Christmas.
Seth: Hang on a second. Ryan. Um, it seems to me that what we have here is a Chrismukkah miracle.

Seth: Is that what I think it is.
Ryan: Yeah. Figured I’d hang it.
Seth: Alright man, another Chrismukkah convert!

The Countdown

Seth: Separate seats, you guys. C’mon. There’s no sex in the champagne room.

Hailey Nichol: Marissa; Is that the short chick next door?
Seth: No. Puberty happened. She’s a Laker.

Seth: Carson Daly and a ball dropping. There is two images that should never be said in the same sentence.

Seth: Why don’t you just go to this party? I don’t understand.
Ryan: Because we had plans and… because, I mean, who’s Oliver?
Seth: Okay. As long as you’re clear on your motivation.

Sandy: Okay, so we’re gonna go.
Kirsten: Do you guys need anything?
Seth: Yes. Ryan needs a tear in the space time continuum so he can go back and say “I love you” to Marissa.
Kirsten: She said “I love you”?
Sandy: So what’d you say back?
Seth: “Thank you”.
Ryan: Thank you.
Sandy: Well that was polite.

Seth: Okay, that’s a lot of genitalia in my pool.

Seth: I can’t leave Hailey here. The place will get trashed. Come on, man, she’s insane.
Ryan: You said she was awesome.
Seth: Insanely awesome.
Ryan: So. Tell her. Party’s over.
Seth: Right. Except I don’t want to be the dad. Okay? Listen, telling my aunt she’s can’t have a party, that’s embarrassing. You do it.
Ryan: It’s your house.
Seth: Right. And it’s your girlfriend with some dude named Oliver. I’m just trying to help you track your motivation.
Ryan: She’s a part of your family.
Seth: Right. And the Cohens are notorious for conflict avoidance. But the Atwoods, they thrive on it. You are the man for this.
Ryan: I’m not gonna win this argument.
Seth: No.
Ryan: Okay.

Seth to the naked guys in the pool: Hey, no ball dropping until midnight. Okay?

Sandy: Look, I don’t think anybody would think we’re boring.
Kirsten: But do we need to take more chances?
GPS Lady: In 400 feet turn left
Sandy: Yes, we do need to take more chances. GPS Lady says turn left. I’m going right.

Seth: I can’t breathe.
Ryan: What?
Seth: I’m claustrophobic.
Ryan: Seth this place is huge. It has a kitchen and a bathroom.
Seth: Shh. Ryan, do not use up all the oxygen.
Ryan: Want a sandwich, a shower? We got all that here.
Seth: Ha ha ha. We’re gonna die and I’m the glib one?
Ryan: I sleep here every night. Three of the walls are made of windows.
Seth: Yes, which currently are looking out on naked dudes, man. We’re trapped like rats.
Ryan: Rats in an enormous pool house! By the way, your aunt’s really cool.
Seth: Yeah I know, she’s be a bit unpredictable sometimes. My shirt’s strangling me.
Ryan: Great, my girlfriend’s kissing some guy and I’m stuck here with a lunatic.

Ryan: Let’s go. We gotta clear this party out.
Seth: It’s what I do best.

Kirsten: What did you do?
Hailey: Nothing that can’t be undone. A little Palmolive, some elbow grease. Seth and I have it covered.
Seth: Woah. Nobody said anything about elbow grease.
Kirsten: Seth. Garbage. Out. Now.

Seth: Anna? Hey.
Anna: I didn’t want you to be alone on New Years. Actually, I didn’t want to be alone on New Years.
Seth: Well I’m not alone.
Anna: Oh.
Seth: I have Captain Oats and Carson Daly, so…
Anna: Oh, wow. That’s an unbeatable combination. I’ll go.
Seth: Wait wait. Captain Oats had too much champagne. And Carson Daly’s kind of a ginormous tool. So… I could use the company.

The Third Wheel

Seth: What happened to Seth-Ryan time? That was quality time.
Ryan: Okay, I know I’ve been a little bit—
Seth: Ah, whipped?
Ryan: I’m not whipped.

Seth: Anna and I have decided to take it to the next level and I need some advice.
Ryan: You’re going to have sex.
Seth: No. That’s a good idea though.

Seth: Hey. Later, can we please finish this chat? Put a little Seth-Ryan time on the books?
Ryan: Yes, yes. Absolutely. Just gotta check with…
Seth: Oh, you forgot your balls.

Seth to himself Luke has a gay dad. Luke has a gay dad. to Luke Can’t wait to see it, buddy!

Seth: Dude. I cannot believe you live in the penthouse, man. This place is ridonculous.

Sandy: Anyone there going to be doing drugs?
Seth: I hope so. Otherwise it’d be a lame-ass rock concert.

Seth: to a singing Luke Hey man, you know who sings this song?
Luke: Rooney!
Seth: Yeah. And it should stay that way.

The Links

Seth: A little golf, a little shpitz.
Anna: I don’t know. It all sounds kind of old.
Seth: Yes, Anna, it does sound old. Somewhere inside of me there’s a little Jewish man who’s very excited.

Seth: Did you rob a liquor store, Luke?
Luke: Cohen. You can’t play golf without a buzz on.
Seth: Thanks for the tip, Bagger Vance.
Luke: A blender. Nice thinking, Cohen.
Seth: Yeah, no. It’s actually a humidifier. I get nose bleeds.

Summer: I’m trying to give you some culture, Cohen.
Seth: The audio version of The DaVinci Code is not culture.
Summer: Yeah, well, it’s a true story.

Anna: How come when she says “friends” it sounds like a threat?
Seth: It’s her inflection.

Summer: It’s eight o’clock. What are you, like seventy?
Seth: On the inside. Yes.

The Rivals

Seth: You did accuse the guy of faking a suicide attempt.
Ryan: No I didn’t. I just didn’t believe him.
Seth: Oh. Okay. Hard to believe such blind compassion upset Marissa. You should go work things out.
Ryan: I don’t trust him. Something about Oliver’s… off.
Seth: Yeah. He tried to kill himself. Or he faked it, man. Either way, it’s pretty off.

Ryan: Why would I be jealous?
Seth: Because Oliver’s insanely wealthy and well-traveled?
The Dapper Don.
Ryan: I’m not.
Seth: But on the other hand, he’s also clinically depressed and chemically dependent. So it all comes out in the wash really.

Seth: Let me ask you something. Am I dating a female me? Like me, but as a girl?

Seth: Oh, god, he watches Leno. That explains everything.
Anna: Explains what?
Seth: Why that Danny guy is not funny.
Anna: He’s funny.
Seth: No, he’s not funny. He’s big. Big is not funny.

Seth: Oliver might be crazy, you might be right, but you know what? Right now you’re giving him a run for his money.

Sandy: Wow, that kid is not funny.
Seth: Thank you! I know.
Sandy
: He makes Ryan look funny.
Seth: He makes Marissa look funny.
Sandy: Gentiles. I love your mother more than words. But not funny. Get yourself some funnier friends.

Seth: She said that about me? That she thinks I’m the funniest guy ever?
Danny: Yes. You and some dude named Captain Oats. Who the hell is Captain Oats?

Seth: I know Jon Stewart’s no Leno.

The Truth

Seth: You don’t think that’s a little crazy?
Luke: Dude, have you met Oliver?

Sandy: Hello, ladies! Seth.
Seth: Dad, don’t call me a lady.

Seth: What? What’d I do?
Sandy: You hurt that poor girl’s feelings out there.
Seth: Who, Dad? Summer?
Sandy: No, no. Anna.
Seth: I didn’t say a word to Anna.
Sandy: Exactly.

Seth: I’m not talking about this anymore.
Sandy: No, of course you’re not talking about it. No one’s talking to me about anything lately. If you want to go and flirt with Summer, go ahead.
Seth: Why are we still talking about this?
Sandy: Because I’m your father and I’m responsible for you. And if I see something’s going on with you we are going to talk about it.
Seth: Do you think this is about me, or could this be about Ryan?
Sandy: No. It’s about you.
Seth: Okay. But just in case it’s a little bit about Ryan, I think he’ll come to you when he’s ready.

Seth: You know how excited I get turning people on to comics.
Anna: I know how excited you get turning Summer on.

Seth: Ever since the day you got here you have totally had my back and I, I just promise you I will never fail you again. I’m so sorry.

Seth: So do you want to tell me about your night, or—since I heard about it—can we just skip to my breakup with Anna?
Ryan: Really? Anna broke up with you?
Seth: Now why would you just assume Anna broke up with me?
Ryan: Seth, come on.
Seth: What does that mean?
Ryan: What, she didn’t break up with you?
Seth: No, she did, but you’re supposed to have my back.

The Heartbreak

Summer: I’m busy. Studying. Naked.
Seth outside her door: And that’s supposed to keep me away.
Summer: Cohen? {she opens the door} You’re at my house!
Seth: And you’re dressed. I wonder who’s more disappointed.

Seth: It’s not like, like now that me and Anna broke up I’m now choosing you. Because the whole reason that we broke up, is ’cause for me… it’s always been you, Summer. It’s always been you. I’ve tried to fight it, and I’ve tried to deny it. And I can’t. I can’t do it. You’re undeniable.

Seth: So. That was sex.
Summer: Yep.
Seth: I’m gonna go.
Summer: Me too.
Seth: You live here.

Seth: I’m a man now. And not just like an after-your-Bar-Mitzvah-man, but a man man. I had sex with a girl. Summer, to be more specific.
Ryan: How was it?
Seth: I had sex.
Ryan: That bad.
Seth: No! Not that bad. Just, just kinda weird.
Ryan: Weird?
Seth: Not kinky weird, more like weird awkward. But hey, you know what? It was my first time, she’s a more experienced woman. That’s to be expected. And I did… make some faces in the middle that I wish that I could take back but I can’t. And there’s also sort of a whiny noise that came out towards the end […]. It sucked so bad. I was a fish, flopping around on dry land. Ryan, I was Nemo and I just wanted to go home.

Seth: I need to talk to you. Girl stuff.
Sandy: Well. You’ve come to the master. {Kirsten snickers} Hey, I got you.
Kirsten: I was young, impressionable, and drunk.
Seth: Only child, right here.

Sandy: Hey, listen, you were lucky to be able to hang in there after all that foreplay.
Seth: Fore-what-now?

Seth: Things with Summer now are more messed up than they were before the awful fish sex.
Ryan: I wouldn’t refer to it as “Fish Sex” again.

Seth rubs his eye and squints.
Ryan: What’d you do to your eye?
Seth: It’s just a little bit blurry. Summer poked me in it with her big toe.
Ryan: What? Why?
Seth: I don’t know, man. It was an accident.
There were limbs everywhere. I’m lucky I can still see.
Ryan: So you guys did the deed again?
Seth: Technically yes. But it wasn’t pretty. I think I have a spinal injury.
Ryan: Maybe next time you should wear a helmet, mouth guard.

Seth to Captain Oats: Not to rub it in, man, but I think Princess Sparkle is your type. Yeah, I blew it for us both. What’s that? Yeah, are you kidding? Great hoofs.

Summer: The other night… when we… had sex, you weren’t the only virgin in the room.
Seth: There was someone else in the room? Like filming us?
Summer: Me, jackass.

Summer: C’mon Cohen, you are so cheesy.
Seth: I’m sweeping you off your feet.
Summer: The sad part is, you kinda are.

The Telenovela

Ryan about Marissa: We’ll just go back to being friends.
Seth: When were you guys ever friends? Was it when you were beating up her boyfriend or, ah, spooning in a Tijuana motel? Is that when you were friends?
Ryan: Yeah, that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends. Does it?
Seth: I don’t know.

Summer: Friends, Coop? What are you guys gonna do together? Lift weights? Try on wife beaters? Guys like Ryan aren’t friends with girls.

Seth: Brad. Dude, I didn’t recognize you out of the Speedo. Not that I would recognize you in a Speedo.

Seth: Hey, how was Pittsburgh?
Anna: It was good to be home.
Seth: It’s also the home of Andy Warhol, Mr. Rogers, and ketchup. And you can’t compete with that.

Kirsten: I sense sarcasm.
Seth: Well, you’re perceptive, mother.

Seth: I can’t acknowledge you privately if you’re not gonna acknowledge me publicly.
Summer: Cohen!
Seth: So let me know when you’re ready to come to the bargaining table, but until then you just go ahead and consider me on strike.
Summer: Well you’ll be crossing your own picket line in no time.
Seth: Fight the power!

Summer: Why can’t you accept that I’m not comfortable with public displays on affection?
Seth: You’re offering yourself for ten dollars a pop at a kissing booth! How much more public can affection be displayed?

Sandy: You did musicals? I did a musical myself in college.
Kirsten: Oh, please, someone stop him before he starts singing “Greased Lightning.”
Seth: Do it, Dad! Travolta’s your bitch!

Seth: That would actually make this romantic triangle more of a romantic rhombus.

Summer: Why are you doing this?
Seth: Because I like you Summer. This much. And if you don’t feel the same way about me then someone’s going to have to give me a hand down because it’s really high up here. And I could fall and that would be embarrassing. More embarrassing.

The Goodbye Girl

Seth: We were just discussing your plan.
Theresa: What plan?
Seth: Exactly.

Seth: So she’s leaving.
Ryan: No, she’s staying.
Seth: What? Did you talk to Anna?
Ryan: Anna?
Seth: She’s moving back to Pittsburgh.
Ryan: Anna’s going back to Pittsburgh?
Seth: Uh… not anymore according to you.
Ryan: I’m totally confused.
Seth: She—Anna—is leaving.
Ryan: She—Theresa—is staying.
Seth: Right got it. So she really is moving.
Ryan: It sucks.
Seth: I think it’s because of me. I can’t believe I caused a girl to leave the state. The county, maybe, sure. Fine.
Ryan: You really think it’s ’cause of you?
Seth: Well, I mean, we broke up, she went back East. She had a great time. She comes back, only to see me standing on a coffee cart declaring my eternal love for Summer.
Ryan: Maybe she just doesn’t feel that comfortable here. Not everyone does.
Seth: I know, I get that. But if it is ’cause of me, maybe I can talk her out of it. Except for the fact that I can’t ask her if it’s ’cause of me without sounding totally self-absorbed. And I’m not self-absorbed, right Ryan? Me. Me.
Ryan: Huh?
Seth: Me.
Ryan: Sorry.
Seth: Me.
Ryan: Just thinking about Theresa.

Ryan: You and Anna, you guys talk?
Seth: Do not change the subject to me because I am powerless not to talk about it. I tried and she gave me a list of reasons why she’s leaving.
Ryan: You didn’t make the cut, did you?
Seth: But she’s lying. I want her to know that, you know, I’m sorry I hurt her feelings but she doesn’t have to do this. She shouldn’t be doing this.
Ryan: Then just tell her.
Seth: “Just tell her.” Simple. Honest. Direct. No wonder I never considered it. Okay fine. I will. I’ll tell her tonight but I have to have a little bubbly first. A little veritas and vino, know what I mean?
Ryan: Hardly ever.

Seth: Come on, man, her flight leaves soon. Can we hurry?
Ryan: We’re doing 75 in a 65, alright?
Seth: “75 in a 65”? Everyone knows 80’s the new 75.
Ryan: What? Who talks like that?
Seth: What is up with this AC? My Jew-fro is frizzing out. I look like Screech.
Ryan: AC’s fine.
Seth: What is this music?
Ryan to Seth: Do not insult Journey, alright?
Like this quote? Check out the shirt.

Seth: You love me. I read it. And I get it. I’m so sorry if I did anything to hurt your feelings or cause this, but I don’t want you to leave. Okay? None of us do.
Anna: Seth, I love you. As a friend.
Seth: What?
Anna: Cohen I love you as a friend.
Seth: It doesn’t say Azerbaijan?
Anna: Look, I think you’re an amazing guy—a little self-absorbed, maybe— but great. I mean, if there’s one thing my relationship taught me it’s that we don’t have a lot of chemistry.
Seth: So you’re not leaving because of me?
Anna: I’m leaving because I need to leave. But who knows, maybe one day we’ll be perfect for each other. I don’t know. I do know I have to go to Pittsburgh. I’m moving, Seth. I thought I could make this ride alone, but I can’t. Thanks for coming. Saying goodbye.
Seth: Anna, wait a second. What am I going to do without you? You’re so wise, and all your sage wisdom. What am I going do without that?
Anna: Confidence, Cohen.

Seth: What if the girl I’m supposed to be with just went back to Pittsburgh?
Ryan: What if she went back to Chino?
Seth: Why would Anna go to Chino? pause. Kidding.
Ryan: Nice one. Well, at least we have each other.
Seth: Actually, I have Summer now. But I’ll put a little Seth/Ryan time on the books. It’s quality time.
Ryan: Thanks, buddy. I could always hang out with Luke. I wonder what he’s doing right now.
Seth: Discovering fire. Hunting and gathering. Shaving his chest with a buck knife. You guys could do that together.

The L.A.

Seth: So, then, did you take your watch off during the deed or… what exactly?
Ryan: Wanna wait in the car? I can pick something up from the front desk myself.
Seth: No, that’s cool. I’ve got more questions. So then, I don’t understand. Did you take it off during foreplay? Was it before foreplay? Now that would seem presumptuous but I—
Ryan: No seriously. Seriously. Stay in there, leave the radio on, window up—
Seth: Because I like to leave the watch on, Ryan. I like to leave it on and know how I’m doing. If I’m beating my old time. The thing is, it’s sort of a sex marathon, not a sex sprint.

Seth: This is a good time for you, okay Ryan Atwood? This is Clean Slate Ryan, Finally you have no women to protect from violent goateed factory workers or pill-popping manic depressives.
Ryan: You’re right. I guess I really do have a clean slate.
Seth: You do! Dude, since day one of you getting here it’s been nothing but lady drama with you. Marissa, Theresa. Luke, Oliver, Eddie. Dude, I’m getting exhausted just thinking about it.
Ryan: I am kinda tired.
Seth: You should be. You know what, you’re going to get a break ’cause you deserve it. I think I’m going to declare this month “Angst-free Ryan” Month.

Seth about Julie and Luke: Maybe they’re not having sex. Maybe they just go to a motel to spoon and watch Charlie Rose.
Ryan: You’re right, that’s probably it.

Ryan about The Valley: Is that Grady?
Seth: Yeah.

Ryan: He’s kinda like you.
Seth: What? Handsome and charming?
Ryan: No. Geeky and sarcastic.
Seth: Oh god, he is like me. He is like me except with his own TV show.
Ryan: I was kidding.

Seth: Ryan, if you could have the real me or the TV me which one would you take? You’d take the TV me. Dude, we are not going to L.A. ’cause I’m going to lose Summer to the real-life TV Seth Cohen.

Ryan: You don’t even know if your parents are going to let us go.
Seth: I’m handling it.
Ryan: So you’re going to lie to them.
Seth: No, that was the old me. I have evolved and now I’m a man of honor,
Ryan. So I’m gonna need you to talk to them. That’s more your specialty.
Ryan: Seems like you’re making a lot of things my specialty these days.
Seth: Yeah, Great leadership’s all about delegation.
Ryan: So now I’m your employee?
Seth: No. We’re partners.
Ryan: What do you do?
Seth: I’m working on the business plan, okay? And that’s going to be awesome.

Don’t spend an extra minute in L.A. The town will steal your soul.
Seth: Well right now it’s about to steal my girlfriend.

Ryan about Grady: How does that guy play high school?
Seth: Hollywood, man.

Marissa: Hey, where’s Summer?
Seth: I don’t know. Off with Grady somewhere. I talk about Pynchon for like two seconds, suddenly she’s gone.

Seth: We’re gonna grab my girlfriend, we’re gonna grab my aunt—more gently than, say, you. and we’re leaving.

Seth: I heard some really—really—awful music. And I knew it could only be self-indulgent actors with instruments.

Seth: You know, I think we did pretty good in there, man. And I told you, we make a good team. I’m the brains, you’re the brawn.
Marissa: Hey! How come you’re the brains? I’m the one who talked us back into that club.
Seth: I’m sorry, I’m the brains.
You can be the beauty.

Marissa: Okay, thanks.

Seth: Yeah, that’s exactly right. You’re the beauty, he’s the brawn, I’m the brains. Perfect.
Summer: Great. And what am I, Cohen?
Seth: Ah. The boobs? The bitch?
Summer: Okay, I’ll take the boobs.
Seth: Hey. So will I.

The Nana

Luke: Hey, Cohen, get up.
Seth: It’s my precious, you can’t have it!

Seth: So what’s the GPRA?
Ryan: I have no idea what you just said.
Seth: Game plan, Ryan Atwood.
Ryan: You’re just using initials now?
Seth: Yeah. They save time.
Ryan: Well, not if you have friends that don’t.
Seth: GP.
Ryan: Game Plan?
Seth: Good point.

Seth: Mom, Hailey made three different kinds of pancakes and waffles. They’re deliciously redundant.

Summer: I wanna meet The Nana.
Seth: Yeah, you really don’t though. Believe me.
Summer: What, I love old people! They’re so cute.
Seth: Yeah. Well, The Nana, not so cute.
Summer: Really? She’s ugly?
Seth: No, she’s just scary.

Summer: Where are you going?
Seth: Um, I have to pick up some stuff for the Seder.
Summer: What now?
Seth: The Seder. For Passover? Yeah, you’re not meeting The Nana.

Seth: The Nana has never exactly cared for The Kirsten.

Sandy: Oh, c’mon, Mom. It’s Ryan’s first Seder.
Seth: How do you know that? Don’t assume that. They have Jews in Chino. Why do you think they want a P.F. Cheng’s?

The Nana: Shawn and your dad used to run in a gang together, did you know that?
Seth: Oh yeah? Bloods or Crips, father?
Sandy: It was more of a youth group.

Summer: I’m gonna study this thing so hard I’m even gonna out-Jew you.
Summer opens the Hagada.
Seth: You’re reading it backwards.

The Proposal

Marissa: I’m emotionally stable. Besides, I’m not the only one crying.
Seth: I’m sorry, what? I’m allergic, okay? And there is so much pollen in here right now, it’s ridiculous.
Marissa: It’s okay.
Seth: And tomorrow I’m watching football, okay?
Julie: Football season is five months away.

Seth walking in on Ryan donning a wifebeater: Hey! Oh… sorry. I’m surprised that hasn’t happened before. Not saying I’m disappointed it hasn’t happened before I’m just saying the mathematical probability of…
Ryan: Yeah. Crying during chick flicks, walking in on me getting dressed…
Seth: Yeah, what’s your point, okay? I’m not seeing what you’re getting at. Do you work out?
Ryan: Not really.
Seth: Cool, me neither. I’m gonna go watch some hockey.
Ryan: Hockey season’s over.
Seth: Dammit. Where are you going?
Ryan: I’m gonna go find Luke. Beat the crap out of him.
Seth: Oh. Where shall this can of whoop-ass be opened?
Ryan: I don’t know I’m gonna go down to his house, try the pier…
Seth: Have you considered our backyard?

Seth: Yeah, Summer, do you really think giving her a little Feng Shui is going to help her forget her mom slept with her ex-boyfriend?

Summer: You don’t like hardware stores and you cry during chick flicks. Next thing you’re going to tell me, you walk in on Ryan changing!
Seth: That’s crazy! Hey let’s go to the hardware store.

Seth: “1996 All School Hide-and-Seek Champion.” I do believe Joel Gordon is still looking for me.

Summer: You were in the comic book club?
Seth: Yeah. I was the president and only member.

Summer: Was I really mean to you?
Seth: No, that would have required you to speak to me. Nobody would speak to me.
Summer: A lot’s changed in a year, huh.

Seth: I did it. Look.
Summer: Oh, you hit a nail. Bob Vila’s your bitch, Cohen.

Summer: You have to find the stud.
Seth: Like you did, Summer?
Summer: Just get me the stud
finder.
Seth: Oh Summer. I think you are the stud finder.
Summer: You see this hammer in my hand?
Seth: Yeah, we’ll find that stud finder. What does it look like?
Summer: And a level.
Seth: What does is a level?
Summer: Don’t you know what a level is?
Seth: Yeah, it’s something you advance to in a video game.
Summer: That’s funny. The tool doesn’t know about tools.

Summer You’re such a dandy, Cohen.
Seth offended: You’re a dandy, woman!

Seth: She’ll watch over you with her Care Bear Stare.
Ryan: How do you know about the Care Bear Stare?

The Shower

Seth about Kirsten: It’s the Tourette’s firing up again. Happens every now and again, but it’s fun.

Seth: I think it might be time to take a step back and untangle this incestuous web that I like to call the Caleb-Julie union. Now let’s think about this. When this bizarro knot gets tied, Julie Cooper’s gonna be your mother-in-law.
Sandy: Woah.
Seth: Yeah. Enjoy. And your step-mom.
Kirsten: Seth, my head is spinning.
Seth: Me and Marissa, we could be related. I don’t know. I can’t even do that math. But the real kicker is: Julie Cooper? My grandma. My grandma wears Uggs. Think about it.

Summer: They’re playing video games. It’s not a Mandy Moore movie.
Seth: No, she’s supposed to be crying and he’s supposed to be brooding. That’s how it works.

Seth: You’ve met my dad, you met my mom, you met Captain Oats. The list goes on and on.

Seth: You’re forgetting one key factor here, Summer. Parents love me. I’ve got this non-threatening, non-sexual vibe.

Seth: Sure we can do lunch. But your dad’s not gonna need a menu because he’ll be eating out of the palm of my hand. Ah ha hah!

Summer: Order steak, because he thinks greens are effeminate.
Seth: Celery’s gay. I got it, right.

Neil Roberts: Comic books?
Seth: Sir… I think I hear the skepticism in your tone.

Seth: What would you say—in your professional surgical opinion—she has more of? Would you say it’s vim or would you say it’s vigor?

Seth: So I didn’t even get a review at all? Not that I read my own press. But I mean, nothing involving thumbs or stars or…
Summer: We should go.

Ryan to Seth: Let go of me. Now.
Marissa: Is Ryan leaving?
Seth: Yeah. {pause} Oh, he took your car.

Seth: Hey. You’re avoiding me.That’s cool. I like it. It’s a throwback. It feels very eighth grade.

Seth about Summer’s dad: Well look. I’m sorry if your dad doesn’t think I’m good enough for you. Okay? Really. I am. And if that’s the way he feels that sucks. But you know what? It really doesn’t matter, I don’t really have to be his type. Because the only thing that matters is me and you. Right?
Summer: I have to go. {she runs off}

Seth: Go talk to your girlfriend. One of us should be able to.

The Strip

Seth: Go back to bed. Or… the floor.

Theresa: I can’t impose on Seth’s parents forever.
Seth: Sure you can. I intend to.

Seth about Summer: Do I force confrontation or do I just continue to be whiny passive aggressive until she realizes what a catch I am?

Marissa: You guys have fake IDs?
Seth: CB Cebulski of Menlo Park. Have you met my associate, Marty Navis?

Seth: What are we gonna do, man? I don’t want to get thrown out of The Hotel. I love The Hotel. I wanna marry the hotel and have little gambling-addicted alcoholic kids with it.

Seth: I love The Vegas. Obviously The Vegas loves me.

Seth: Why quit when you’re ahead?
Ryan: ‘Cause if we don’t, Angry Trucker Hat over there is gonna hurt me.
Seth: Maybe he’s not angry at you. Maybe he’s angry ’cause he found out people don’t wear trucker hats anymore.

Summer: Get away from him, whore!
Seth: Wait wait wait! She’s not a whore. She goes to UNLV.
Summer: Oh, okay. You know, I’m sorry. Skank.

Seth: I hate The Vegas.

Seth about Texas Hold ‘Em: That’s a card game, not hooker-talk.

The Ties The Bind

Seth: Thor. That’s a strong name. No one’s gonna mess with Thor.
Ryan: Thanks.
Seth: Seth’s a good name for a boy too. Although at Camp Takahoe I was often referred to as a girl. So I guess it works either way.
Ryan
: Can we not play the name game?

Seth: Not having anyone pick on me, there’s really been no need for the Seth Cohen retaliatory zinger.

Summer: I’m freaking out.
Seth: You’re freaking out? What about Ryan and Theresa?
Summer: What about my best friend.
Seth: Princess Sparkle is freaking out?
Summer: Marissa, dumb ass.
Seth: Oh. I always get those two confused. They both have really shiny hair.

Seth: Hey man. They raised me. Okay. Proof pudding. Speaking of pudding, mother, do we have any tapioca on tap?
Kirsten: You are king of the segues.
Seth
: I just love pudding. It’s so fun to say. Pudding. Pudding. Puuudding.
Like the quote? Check out the shirt.

Ryan: You’re talking to a boat, Seth.
Seth: Yeah, I talk to a plastic horse, too. But that never worries anyone.
Ryan: It worried me.

Seth: I think it was on this very stretch of beach where we first got our asses kicked by the water polo team.
Ryan: Yeah. Could be.
Seth: Yes, it definitely tastes the same.
Marissa: Wait, when was that?
Ryan: When I first got here.
Seth: Yeah it was after the fashion show at Holly’s beach house.
Summer: You guys were at that party?
Seth: Those were the days.

Marissa: Believe me, if there was something I could do, I would.
Seth: Yeah, well, I think you’ve done enough, so…
Marissa: What does that mean?
Seth: I just don’t think even Ryan would be back with Theresa if it weren’t for you and Oliver in the first place.
Summer: Cohen!
Seth: Really. All you ever did was drag that kid into your messed-up life.
Marissa: Right. And all you ever did was use him to meet girls and get out of fights.

Summer: You’re still gonna see him. Chino’s not that far away.
Seth: I just can’t believe he’s leaving. He’s the first real friend I’ve ever had. He’s the only real friend I’ve ever had.
Summer: No. You have me.
Seth: Yeah, but that’s not the same thing. You don’t get it. Before he got here, I was the biggest loser. This place was hell for me, okay? I can’t help him and I just, I can’t even imagine what’s it’s gonna be like here without him.
Summer: We’ll get through it. I promise.
Seth: Could you tell them I’ll be back in a few moments, please?
Summer: Sure.
Seth to Summer: And, for the record? The boat was named after you.