Seth: I have this plan. I don’t know what you’ll think. But, um, next July the trade winds shift west, and I want to sail to Tahiti. I can do it in 44 days, maybe even 42.
Ryan: Wow. That sounds really cool man.
Seth: Well… I don’t know what to say. Except that you totally had my back out there. You were like out of Fight Club or something. I don’t know.
Seth: What a little night we had there. I’m not going to forget it, Ryan. I’m not gonna forget that one.
Seth: You know what I was thinking? I think that this being your last night and all, we should do something special. I don’t know what. Possibly get a couple of tattoos, or some hookers and lose our virginity. Right? Nothing. Okay, dude, I don’t know. There’s a shark movie at the IMAX if that’s what you’re into.
Seth: I want to come with you. You know what I’ve always wanted to do besides sail to Tahiti? I want to do that whole Kerouac thing. Hit the road, stop at diner to diner, the pancake tour of North America.
Seth: Fair enough.
Seth: Wow. You just got your butt kicked and you didn’t even fight back. Dude, you really are a Cohen.
Seth: I would like some answers.
Ryan: Yeah, okay. We hooked up.
Ryan: Isn’t that what you were asking with the whole “exhibit A”?
Seth: I noticed some heavy flirting, yes. You hooked up with my grandma? Actually that’s kinda hot.
Seth: The plan is undeniable, Ryan.
Ryan: I’m denying it.
Seth: We have my mom’s Range Rover. We have a perfect alibi as I go to this comic-book convention every year, and we also have my entire life of never doing anything wrong which completely lulls my parents into a false sense of trust.
Ryan: And you wanna throw all that away for Summer in a wet t-shirt doing body shots?
Seth: I’m sorry, I thought that was a rhetorical question. Yes, Ryan, yes. On the last weekend before school, one goes to Tijuana. It is tradition. And it is a rite of passage.
And you know what else? What happens in Mexico stays in Mexico.
Ryan: What happens in Mexico?
Seth: I don’t know, because it stays there. That’s why we must go!
Seth: How do you do that, by the way? How do you convey everything with just a look? Ryan gives him a look. And again!
Seth: But you have before, right? Wow. That’s what I thought. I just didn’t want to jump to conclusions. Because my experience is sort of limited. And?
Ryan: And what?
Seth: Was it awesome?
Ryan: Which time?
Seth: Ah… There were— I don’t know. How many times were there?
Ryan: Same girl or different girls?
Seth: There were different girls? How many different girls were there? Ryan starts counting in his head. I have to sit down.
Ryan: Trey doesn’t even read comics.
Seth: Yeah, he doesn’t yet, But that’s because he hasn’t seen the new Titans.
Ryan: Titans. What about Legion? That was kinda cooler.
Seth: The guy’s in prison, man. Have you seen Oz? I’m sure that’ll be fine. But, yeah. The new Legion is cooler.
Seth: C’mon, man. Lighten up! Ryan doesn’t lighten up. Okay fine. Stay dark. Dark works too.
Seth: How was your night?
Ryan: Marissa got drunk and we got pulled over by the cops with an open container of vodka.
Seth: Hey. That Marissa, she’s really making life interesting for you.
Ryan: Yeah. We got into a fight.
Seth: What about the cop?
Ryan: He got a radio call. Let us off with a warning for the busted tail light. Now you see why I hate Christmas.
Seth: Hang on a second. Ryan. Um, it seems to me that what we have here is a Chrismukkah miracle.
Seth: I can’t breathe.
Seth: I’m claustrophobic.
Ryan: Seth this place is huge. It has a kitchen and a bathroom.
Seth: Shh. Ryan, do not use up all the oxygen.
Ryan: Want a sandwich, a shower? We got all that here.
Seth: Ha ha ha. We’re gonna die and I’m the glib one?
Ryan: I sleep here every night. Three of the walls are made of windows.
Seth: Yes, which currently are looking out on naked dudes, man. We’re trapped like rats.
Ryan: Rats in an enormous pool house! By the way, your aunt’s really cool.
Seth: Yeah I know, she’s be a bit unpredictable sometimes. My shirt’s strangling me.
Ryan: Great, my girlfriend’s kissing some guy and I’m stuck here with a lunatic.
Seth: You did accuse the guy of faking a suicide attempt.
Ryan: No I didn’t. I just didn’t believe him.
Seth: Oh. Okay. Hard to believe such blind compassion upset Marissa. You should go work things out.
Ryan: I don’t trust him. Something about Oliver’s… off.
Seth: Yeah. He tried to kill himself. Or he faked it, man. Either way, it’s pretty off.
Ryan: Why would I be jealous?
Seth: Because Oliver’s insanely wealthy and well-traveled? The Dapper Don.
Ryan: I’m not.
Seth: But on the other hand, he’s also clinically depressed and chemically dependent. So it all comes out in the wash really.
Seth: Let me ask you something. Am I dating a female me? Like me, but as a girl?
Seth: Ever since the day you got here you have totally had my back and I, I just promise you I will never fail you again. I’m so sorry.
Seth: So do you want to tell me about your night, or—since I heard about it—can we just skip to my breakup with Anna?
Ryan: Really? Anna broke up with you?
Seth: Now why would you just assume Anna broke up with me?
Ryan: Seth, come on.
Seth: What does that mean?
Ryan: What, she didn’t break up with you?
Seth: No, she did, but you’re supposed to have my back.
Seth: I’m a man now. And not just like an after-your-Bar-Mitzvah-man, but a man man. I had sex with a girl. Summer, to be more specific.
Ryan: How was it?
Seth: I had sex.
Ryan: That bad.
Seth: No! Not that bad. Just, just kinda weird.
Seth: Not kinky weird, more like weird awkward. But hey, you know what? It was my first time, she’s a more experienced woman. That’s to be expected. And I did… make some faces in the middle that I wish that I could take back but I can’t. And there’s also sort of a whiny noise that came out towards the end […]. It sucked so bad. I was a fish, flopping around on dry land. Ryan, I was Nemo and I just wanted to go home.
Seth rubs his eye and squints.
Ryan: What’d you do to your eye?
Seth: It’s just a little bit blurry. Summer poked me in it with her big toe.
Ryan: What? Why?
Seth: I don’t know, man. It was an accident. There were limbs everywhere. I’m lucky I can still see.
Ryan: So you guys did the deed again?
Seth: Technically yes. But it wasn’t pretty. I think I have a spinal injury.
Ryan: Maybe next time you should wear a helmet, mouth guard.
Ryan about Marissa: We’ll just go back to being friends.
Seth: When were you guys ever friends? Was it when you were beating up her boyfriend or, ah, spooning in a Tijuana motel? Is that when you were friends?
Ryan: Yeah, that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends. Does it?
Seth: I don’t know.
Seth: So she’s leaving.
Ryan: No, she’s staying.
Seth: What? Did you talk to Anna?
Seth: She’s moving back to Pittsburgh.
Ryan: Anna’s going back to Pittsburgh?
Seth: Uh… not anymore according to you.
Ryan: I’m totally confused.
Seth: She—Anna—is leaving.
Ryan: She—Theresa—is staying.
Seth: Right got it. So she really is moving.
Ryan: It sucks.
Seth: I think it’s because of me. I can’t believe I caused a girl to leave the state. The county, maybe, sure. Fine.
Ryan: You really think it’s ’cause of you?
Seth: Well, I mean, we broke up, she went back East. She had a great time. She comes back, only to see me standing on a coffee cart declaring my eternal love for Summer.
Ryan: Maybe she just doesn’t feel that comfortable here. Not everyone does.
Seth: I know, I get that. But if it is ’cause of me, maybe I can talk her out of it. Except for the fact that I can’t ask her if it’s ’cause of me without sounding totally self-absorbed. And I’m not self-absorbed, right Ryan? Me. Me.
Ryan: Just thinking about Theresa.
Ryan: You and Anna, you guys talk?
Seth: Do not change the subject to me because I am powerless not to talk about it. I tried and she gave me a list of reasons why she’s leaving.
Ryan: You didn’t make the cut, did you?
Seth: But she’s lying. I want her to know that, you know, I’m sorry I hurt her feelings but she doesn’t have to do this. She shouldn’t be doing this.
Ryan: Then just tell her.
Seth: “Just tell her.” Simple. Honest. Direct. No wonder I never considered it. Okay fine. I will. I’ll tell her tonight but I have to have a little bubbly first. A little veritas and vino, know what I mean?
Ryan: Hardly ever.
Seth: What if the girl I’m supposed to be with just went back to Pittsburgh?
Ryan: What if she went back to Chino?
Seth: Why would Anna go to Chino? pause. Kidding.
Ryan: Nice one. Well, at least we have each other.
Seth: Actually, I have Summer now. But I’ll put a little Seth/Ryan time on the books. It’s quality time.
Ryan: Thanks, buddy. I could always hang out with Luke. I wonder what he’s doing right now.
Seth: Discovering fire. Hunting and gathering. Shaving his chest with a buck knife. You guys could do that together.
Seth: This is a good time for you, okay Ryan Atwood? This is Clean Slate Ryan, Finally you have no women to protect from violent goateed factory workers or pill-popping manic depressives.
Ryan: You’re right. I guess I really do have a clean slate.
Seth: You do! Dude, since day one of you getting here it’s been nothing but lady drama with you. Marissa, Theresa. Luke, Oliver, Eddie. Dude, I’m getting exhausted just thinking about it.
Ryan: I am kinda tired.
Seth: You should be. You know what, you’re going to get a break ’cause you deserve it. I think I’m going to declare this month “Angst-free Ryan” Month.
Seth walking in on Ryan donning a wifebeater: Hey! Oh… sorry. I’m surprised that hasn’t happened before. Not saying I’m disappointed it hasn’t happened before I’m just saying the mathematical probability of…
Ryan: Yeah. Crying during chick flicks, walking in on me getting dressed…
Seth: Yeah, what’s your point, okay? I’m not seeing what you’re getting at. Do you work out?
Ryan: Not really.
Seth: Cool, me neither. I’m gonna go watch some hockey.
Ryan: Hockey season’s over.
Seth: Dammit. Where are you going?
Ryan: I’m gonna go find Luke. Beat the crap out of him.
Seth: Oh. Where shall this can of whoop-ass be opened?
Ryan: I don’t know I’m gonna go down to his house, try the pier…
Seth: Have you considered our backyard?
Seth: Thor. That’s a strong name. No one’s gonna mess with Thor.
Seth: Seth’s a good name for a boy too. Although at Camp Takahoe I was often referred to as a girl. So I guess it works either way.
Ryan: Can we not play the name game?
Seth: Not having anyone pick on me, there’s really been no need for the Seth Cohen retaliatory zinger.