The O.C. Sandy Cohen

Season 1

2004.10.26    

Pilot

Sandy Cohen: Ryan. Sandy Cohen. The court’s appointed me your public defender. Ryan just looks at him suspiciously. You could do worse.

Sandy: Have you given any thought at all to your future? Dude, I’m on your side. C’mon, help me out here. This—
Ryan Atwood: Modern medicine is advancing to the point where the average human life span will be a hundred. But I read this article which said Social Security is supposed to run out by the year 2025. Which means people are going to have to stay in their jobs until they’re 80. So I don’t want to commit to anything too soon.

Ryan: This is a nice car. I didn’t know your kind of lawyer made money.
Sandy: No. We don’t. My wife does.

Sandy: When did you become so cynical?
Kirsten: When did you become so self-righteous?
Sandy: I’ve always been self-righteous. You used to find it charming.

Sandy: So you got to hang out with Seth. How was that? Was that, uh, alright? He’s an interesting kid if you get to know him.
Ryan: He’s cool.

Sandy pointing: Is that Summer?
Seth: I’m gonna go… sit.
Ryan: Way to salt his game, Mr. Cohen.

Kirsten: Seth got into a fight.
Sandy: He did?
Kirsten: This is what happens when you let someone like this into our house. When you let our son hang out with criminals.
Sandy: At least he has someone to hang out with. Don’t salt his game, honey.
Kirsten: What the hell does that mean?
Sandy: It— I don’t know. I just know that I’d rather have Seth hanging out with Ryan than some trust fund kid from around here who only cares about getting a new Beemer every year. There’s a whole world outside this Newport Beach bubble.
Kirsten: You don’t seem to mind living in this bubble.
Sandy: I know there’s something else out there. You remember when we were 22? What’d you say? You said you’d never be like your parents. You’d never have their life.
Kirsten: I was 22. I stank of patchouli and I lived in the back of a mail truck.
Sandy: And you were fun. And rebellious. And… you married me.
Kirsten: I can’t. I’m sorry. I don’t want this kid in my house anymore.
Sandy: Where’s he supposed to go?
Kirsten: He has a family, Sandy. It’s not up to you to decide whether they’re good enough.

Kirsten: I’m sorry. You seem like a nice kid.
Ryan: It’s okay. I get it. You have a really nice family.

Sandy: Come on. Let’s go

The Model Home

Sandy: We’re not saying we want you to cook more.
Seth: Oh hell no. You remember the meatloaf incident of ’98?
Kirsten: That was brisket.
Seth: Yeah, that’s my point exactly.

Sandy: There’s no need for sarcasm.
Seth: I’m not being sarcastic.
Sandy: It’s hard to tell sometimes.

Kirsten: What is it about this kid?
Sandy: I thought I could help him, make a difference. I was this kid. If someone hadn’t helped me… I wouldn’t be here.

Sandy: What are you doing?
Seth: Just busy.
Sandy: You’re always busy.
Seth: It’s the price of fame.

Sandy: Promise me right now that you’d never do that—that you’d never run away, no matter how bad things may seem. Your mom and I will always be there.
Seth: Dad, please. Take it down a notch.
Sandy: From the minute you were born I knew that I would never take another easy breath again without knowing you were safe.
Seth: So I’m like asthma?

Sandy: Officer. I’m Mr. Atwood’s attorney. Please don’t ask him any questions unless I’m present. to Ryan Keep your mouth shut. to Luke You too.

The Gamble

Sandy: We gotta stop meeting like this.

Sandy: It’s gonna be okay.
Ryan: My mom ditched me. I burned your wife’s house down. How is this going to be okay?

Sandy: Well. I should be off. Gotta find the next kid to jeopardize the community. Maybe a black kid. Or an Asian kid.

Sandy about Kirsten taking Ryan out of Juvie: I never knew you to be an impulse shopper.
Kirsten: I didn’t know what else to do!
Sandy: Did you tell him it was permanent?
Kirsten: No, of course not.
Sandy: Because we can’t keep jerking this kid around, pulling him out of juvie, sending him to foster care, giving him hope and taking it away.

Sandy: It’s not the money. It’s that you never told me.
Kirsten: I know. I don’t know why.
Sandy: I got a couple of ideas. Let me take you on a little journey through my neuroses for the past hour or so.

Sandy: Well there’s a no-return policy now, you know that.
Kirsten: I love you. You know that? We okay?
Sandy: Yeah.
Kirsten: Good. Because we just got in way over our heads.

The Debut

Sandy: So Kirsten and I went to Child Services this morning and we told them that we want you to stay with us. But there’s a catch. Because you’re a minor, the only way they’re gonna allow that to happen is if we assume all legal responsibility for you.
Ryan: I can’t ask you guys to do that.
Sandy: You don’t have to. We’re asking you.
Kirsten: We’ve all talked about it. And we want to be your legal guardians. We want you to be part of the family. If you want to be.
Ryan: What if it doesn’t work?
Kirsten: Well how do you mean?
Ryan: Well what if something happens and you guys change your mind?
Sandy: Like what? You steal a car? You burn down a house? You beat up the captain of the water polo team? Those ships have sailed, my friend.

Sandy: Fellas, you mind?
Seth: Oh. Ah, if this is about the vase…
Sandy: Which vase?
Seth: Nothing. Let’s go, Ryan.

Sandy: Which one’s sword?
Ryan: Not the one you’re hitting.
Sandy: Got it. Right.
Ryan: Okay, now you’re stabbing me. Just don’t touch any of the buttons, follow me through the
forest, and, uh, maybe we’ll both make it out of here alive.
Sandy: So you didn’t feel like going, huh?
Ryan: Yeah. Not really for me.
Sandy: What, waltzing and orchids? What could be more you?
Ryan: Guess I don’t really fit in, huh?
Sandy: Oh, I got news for you. Nobody does. I guarantee you every single person at that cotillion feels like a fraud. They’ve all got secrets and they’re all terrified the guy next door is going to find them out.
Ryan: What’s your secret?
Sandy: Sometimes, when the sun’s coming up, and the surf is good… and I haven’t pissed my wife off quite as much as I have today… I kinda like this place.
Ryan: You just stabbed me again.
Sandy: Oo. Sorry.

Kirsten: You couldn’t put on a tux?
Sandy: Pick your battles, honey.

The Outsider

Sandy: Listen I was thinking. How would you like some free legal advice?
Jimmy: You wanna be my lawyer? How long do you want to send me away for?
Sandy: I got way too big an ego for that.
Jimmy: Yeah, well. That’s true.
Sandy: No, I wouldn’t be representing you. I’ve got a friend who’s a securities attorney. But I could help you put together a case.
Jimmy: Why would you do that? You don’t even like me.
Sandy: Well I’m a public defender. I represent a lot of people I don’t like.

In front of a trashed Range Rover
Sandy: So this happened in the parking lot of the IMAX movie theater?
Seth: Shark movies bring out a rough crowd.

The Girlfriend

Sandy: Are we worried your dad won’t love us if we don’t feed him enough?
Kirsten: Alright, starting now, no more digs at my dad.
Sandy: Oh honey, that wasn’t a dig. Seth?
Seth: No. When you called him a heartless bastard, that was a dig.
Sandy: You sold me out.
See they’re like puppets and I’m the puppet master.
Ryan: World domination to follow.

Kirsten: Maybe you guys can make peace this weekend.
Sandy: Okay. Oh no, wait. We can’t. I’m still Jewish. Kirsten gives him a look. Just gettin’ it out of my system, I promise.
Kirsten: I wonder what his new girlfriend’s like.
Sandy: I am sure she is very well paid. Kirsten gives him a look. I am on fire.

Kirsten: I just don’t understand. I’ve worked so hard for him. I’ve killed myself for him.
Sandy: The man is a bottomless pit of need. You think you can fill it? You can’t. You’re amazing. If he can’t appreciate you, screw him. Quit.

Sandy: We could find out who’s living in our old house in Berkeley. We could buy it back. You loved that house. Seth loved that house.
Kirsten: That house had bad plumbing and termites.
Sandy: It was a fixer-upper that we never got to fix up.

Sandy: I wish I could tell you I’m sorry. But I’m not.
Kirsten: Okay, worst apology ever.

The Escape

Seth: Check you out. Big pimpin’.
Sandy: Well, I’ve got a meeting with a private law firm.
Ryan: What, are you suing one of their clients?
Sandy: It’s a job interview.
Kirsten: Which he’ll never take. They like to flatter him every once in awhile.
Sandy: Yeah, I go for the free meal.
Ryan: But, I mean, you’re still gonna be a public defender, right?
Kirsten: After 15 years? There’s no way he’s selling out.
Sandy: Well, it’d have to be one hell of a free meal.
Seth: And that’s what they call a callback in comedy, Ryan.

Kirsten: Sandy, you’re not seriously thinking about taking this job, are you?
Sandy: The salary they offered me, it’s outrageous.
Kirsten: Since when have you ever been swayed by a paycheck? This family has all the money it needs.
Sandy: Yeah, except of course it’s your money.
Kirsten: It’s our money.
Sandy: No, not really.

The Rescue

Kirsten: I’m sure she’ll apologize.
Ryan: You are?
Sandy: It’s Julie Cooper we’re talking about.

Sandy: I’ve never heard you talk so much.
Ryan: I like to save it for when it counts.
Sandy: Good. So I heard about what happened with your test today. Or what didn’t happen. You’re suddenly not so talkative. Look I get it. Marissa needed help, you were worried about her. Believe me, I understand. I’m worried about you.
Ryan: I know. I’m okay with going to public school. It’d be a hell of a lot better than where I went.
Sandy: Go to Dr. Kim and explain yourself.
Ryan: I don’t think she wants to hear from me. Ever again.
Sandy: You’re afraid of her. You, who went toe-to-toe with Julie Cooper, the Dragon Lady. You can take Dr. Kim. Talk to her. If there’s a problem, you’ll have your attorney present. I got your back.

Sandy: You and Summer seemed pretty chummy yesterday.
Seth: Dad. “Chummy”?
Sandy: It’s okay, you can tell me.
Seth: No really, I can’t.
Sandy: If you can’t tell your dad, who can you talk to?
Seth: Gee, I don’t know. Uh, Ryan, Mom, that tree over there.
Sandy: You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone.
Seth: When are you leaving?

Seth: God! Dad! Those eyebrows are out of control.
Sandy: It’s a sign of power, you know.
Seth: Well then you must be the most powerful man in the world.
Sandy: Yeah well brace yourself, son. It’s genetic.

Seth: There’s a new invention that just came out you might have heard of. It’s called tweezers.
Sandy: Oo! You’re killing me.
Seth: Oh snap.
Sandy: You are killing me.

The Heights

Kirsten: Doesn’t Seth look rad?
Sandy: Oh, you do look rad. Mad props, son.

Sandy: You’re brave to face the preppy little savages. And I mean the teachers.

Ryan: Everybody’s got something, except me.
Sandy: Well you’ve got Seth.
Ryan: Seth’s got his women.
Sandy: Seth Cohen? Ryan nods. Okay, so… Really?

Sandy: Let’s forget about suspension. We are always one mistake away from… from someone taking you from us.

Sandy: You know, Seth was never really big on organized sports. I’d love to see you play. Go to some of your games.

Sandy: You know, I’ve been pissing you off for years. Why stop now.

The Perfect Couple

Sandy: You walked in on them?
Kirsten: Well at least I knocked.
Sandy: I knew it. Ryan and Marissa Cooper. Didn’t I tell you!
Kirsten: No.
Sandy: No.

Rachel: Sandy Cohen, you are cheating on me. With your wife.
Sandy: I’m trying.

Sandy: I’ve gotta tell you Cal, I’ve dealt with a lot of shady characters in my line of work, but I’ve never seen anyone stoop as low as you. You’ll poison anything—the air, wetlands, even your daughter’s marriage—as long as you can profit.
Caleb: You’ve been living off my profits.
Sandy: If you think I’m bought and paid for, you just wait until I get you on the stand. Don’t let my silence here mislead you. I’m taking you down.

Sandy: I’m powerless before dumplings.

Sandy: I’m here.
Kirsten: We’re leaving.
Sandy: But I wore a jacket!

The Homecoming

Kirsten: Are there pans? Are there any pans anywhere?
Sandy: Not inspiring a lot of confidence, darling.
Seth: Do you know what I dream about when I dream about Thanksgiving, which is often? I dream about eating so much deliciousness that all the blood rushes to my stomach and I pass out at the table. Please don’t deny me that.
Ryan: That’s just weird.

Kirsten: You think Ryan’s okay?
Sandy: I think he’ll be okay. He needs to do this.
Kirsten: Okay. Let me get in there, do some flipping.
Sandy: No no! Honey, honey! Seth really likes corn.
Kirsten: How do you expect me to get better?
Sandy: I don’t. I’m sorry, but the boys and I made a pact.
Kirsten: A pact?
Sandy: A solemn promise.
Kirsten: When?
Sandy: You were in the bathroom.

Sandy: We suck.
Kirsten: That was not very smooth.
Sandy: I told you this was a bad idea.
Kirsten: No you didn’t.

Sandy: So Anna, what’s the deal? You’re parents don’t believe in celebrating the genocide of the American Indian?

Sandy: Look, Jimmy’s a good guy.
Rachel: He’s a thief.
Sandy: And you’re a lawyer. It’s a perfect match.

Sandy greeting Caleb and Julie: Ah! the gruesome twosome!

The Secret

Sandy: Oh. The Summer flu! I just got it. That was good.

Seth defiantly: Hey! I’m not afraid of Summer and Anna, alright? *beat* Well, I’m not afraid of Anna.
Ryan: So you’re going to school.
Sandy: And you’re going to yogalates.
Kirsten: You just like saying that.
Sandy: Yogalates? I kinda do. To Ryan Yogalates?
Ryan: Yogalates.

Sandy: Hey Seth. Ask your mother who was at the door.
Seth: Mom, who was at the door?
Kirsten: Julie Cooper, bearing gifts.
Seth: Julie Cooper, Dad.

Cameron Ward: I’ve embarrassed my family enough. I think the best thing I could do right now is just to disappear.
Sandy: No, I think that’d be the worst thing you could do. I mean it’s what you’ve been doing all along. But coming and being honest with yourself and your family—in this town—it’s the bravest thing you could have done.

The Best Chrismukkah Ever

Caleb: Come, Sanford, it’s a party. Think back on your Berkeley days. Maybe you
can smoke the tree.
Sandy: Smoke the tree. Funny. I’m going to nail him now.
Kirsten: Uh huh.

Sandy: Allow me to summarize what you know already. The Heights are seismologically unsound. The whole area is uninsurable. It’s worthless.
Caleb: As is your theory.

Sandy: There’s no way you would have gotten a building permit. And you knew that.
Caleb: What do you want Sandy?
Sandy: I want to buy back The Heights. For a dollar.
Caleb: You can not be serious.
Sandy: Sandy putting a dollar in Caleb’s hand: Merry Christmas.

Sandy: You’re here with us now. You don’t have to be the parent anymore.

The Countdown

Sandy: She’s either run out of money, or … she’s run out of money.

Sandy: Okay, so we’re gonna go.
Kirsten: Do you guys need anything?
Seth: Yes. Ryan needs a tear in the space time continuum so he can go back and say “I love you” to Marissa.
Kirsten: She said “I love you”?
Sandy: So what’d you say back?
Seth: “Thank you”.
Ryan: Thank you.
Sandy: Well that was polite.

Sandy: Look, I don’t think anybody would think we’re boring.
Kirsten: But do we need to take more chances?
GPS Lady: In 400 feet turn left
Sandy: Yes, we do need to take more chances. GPS Lady says turn left. I’m going right.

Sandy: I hate to defy the GPS Lady because she… she gets so cross.

Taryn: Oh my god! I can’t believe you’re here. I had no idea you were so much… fun.
Kirsten: Yeah. Hi Taryn. You know my husband Sandy.
Taryn: Well, if I don’t now, I might at midnight.
Sandy: Hello.
Taryn: Go ahead Sandy. Put your watch in the bowl. to Kirsten: Whoever ends up with him is gonna be one lucky lady.
Sandy: Oh my god.
Kirsten: I think we’re at a swingers party.

Sandy: Sandy Cohen. Pleasure swinging with you.

Sandy: I think we’re in the wrong house.
Kirsten: I don’t.
Sandy: What the hell happened here?
Seth: Okay, I don’t even know enough people to cause this much damage.

Sandy: I should really learn to knock. In case there’s a threesome going on in my bedroom.

The Third Wheel

Sandy: She’s eating us out of house and home.
Kirsten: Sandy, it’s just a bagel.
Sandy: No no no. It’s never just a bagel.
Seth: Mom, as someone who’s basically been a shut-in for the last 17 years of his life I can pretty much say with the greatest authority, that woman never leaves the house.
Kirsten: She’s got nowhere else to go.
Ryan about Hailey: That’s because all her friends want to kick her ass. pause Sorry about the language.
Sandy: Why? I’d like to kick her ass.

Sandy: Anyone there going to be doing drugs?
Seth: I hope so. Otherwise it’d be a lame-ass rock concert.

Sandy: Hey, Connect Four was happening. It gets my blood up.

The Links

Sandy: Alright. One more.
Ryan: No. No more.
Sandy: Oh come on! You were so good at the driving range.
Ryan
: I don’t play golf.
Seth: Not true, buddy! You just don’t play well.
Sandy: And you know, there’s plenty more to do in Palm Springs other than play golf. You could spa.
Ryan: I don’t spa.
Sandy: You don’t play golf, you don’t spa. What do you do?

Seth: Ah. But he’s very good with the ladies.
Sandy: Very good with the ladies.
Ryan: He’s standing right here holding a golf club.
Sandy: Yeah. But you don’t know how to use it.
Ryan: Right. So I’m not going to Palm Springs.

Kirsten: Do you know who’s coming home today?
Sandy: Oh god, the ugly Americans are coming back. So when’s your father and Julie getting in?
Kirsten: They arrive from Paris this afternoon.
Sandy: After having confirmed all of Europe’s worst suspicions about Americans I’m guessing.

Kirsten offering Hailey a muffin: Pumpkin muffin?
Sandy: Yes darling?

Sandy: We can’t reschedule. The Lighthouse closes down tonight forever. It’s our last chance to get the best chicken parmesan in the business.
Jimmy: First the Lighthouse leaves Newport and then me. How poetic.
Sandy: What do you mean, you’re leaving?
Jimmy: There’s nothing here for me. There’s no opportunities. There’s no second chances.

Sandy: We’ll have a nice meal, a few drinks, and talk about his next move.
Kirsten: Alcohol. Yes. Inspired.
Sandy: How do you think I got you to marry me?
Caleb walking in: So you were drunk. Explains everything, Kiki.

The Rivals

Sandy: Four years of law, fifteen years as a public defender so I could become Judge Judy.
Jimmy: Oh I hear she’s tough, but fair. I watch a lot of daytime TV.

Sandy: You think you can mess up so bad we just give up on you? You can’t. You are part of this family now, you’re gonna feel the full weight of that. You’ll wish we threw you out.

Sandy: Jimmy, come on man. You’re one click away from manning the mechanical bull at the new cowboy bar.

Sandy: Hey, how’re you doing? I’m Sandy.
Danny: Why don’t you take a shower?
Sandy: Pardon?
Danny: Just kidding, I like you dirty.

Sandy: Wow, that kid is not funny.
Seth: Thank you! I know.
Sandy
: He makes Ryan look funny.
Seth: He makes Marissa look funny.
Sandy: Gentiles. I love your mother more than words. But not funny. Get yourself some funnier friends.

The Truth

Ryan: I know you want me to say I’m sorry, but I’m not. Oliver admitted it right to my face. He told me he wanted me gone so he could get to Marissa.
Sandy: Then why would he drop the assault charges against you?

Sandy: Come on, Ryan. Talk to me.
Ryan: What’s the point? You’re not going to believe me anyway.
Sandy: It’s not about what I believe. I wish it was. It’s about what you did. The next time you feel like raising your fist you had better open your mouth and talk. I’m here for that.

Sandy: If you want to stay—if you want to be part of this family. You’re not going to go anywhere, you’re not going to do anything, you’re not going to see anyone unless Kirsten and I say it’s okay. That’s the deal. Take it or leave it.

Julie: Hey, you guys wanna join us? We’re celebrating my new position.
Sandy: Ohhh, I’m not gonna touch that one.

Sandy: Ryan, I promise I will do everything I can to help you. But I can’t help you if you don’t tell me.

Sandy: Hello, ladies! Seth.
Seth: Dad, don’t call me a lady.

Seth: What? What’d I do?
Sandy: You hurt that poor girl’s feelings out there.
Seth: Who, Dad? Summer?
Sandy: No, no. Anna.
Seth: I didn’t say a word to Anna.
Sandy: Exactly.

Seth: I’m not talking about this anymore.
Sandy: No, of course you’re not talking about it. No one’s talking to me about anything lately. If you want to go and flirt with Summer, go ahead.
Seth: Why are we still talking about this?
Sandy: Because I’m your father and I’m responsible for you. And if I see something’s going on with you we are going to talk about it.
Seth: Do you think this is about me, or could this be about Ryan?
Sandy: No. It’s about you.
Seth: Okay. But just in case it’s a little bit about Ryan, I think he’ll come to you when he’s ready.

Sandy: Where’re you going?
Ryan: I think Marissa’s in trouble, I’m just going to make sure she’s okay.
Sandy: Give me the keys.
Ryan: I have to go, okay.
Sandy: Give me the keys.
Ryan: You said if I needed your help, I could come to you.
Sandy: Give me the keys… I’ll drive.

The Heartbreak

Sandy: Valentine’s Day is not a holiday. Rosh Hashanah, that’s a holiday. Memorial Day, yes—a holiday. Do you know who invented Valentine’s Day?
Kirsten: St. Valentine.
Sandy: Hershey’s and Hallmark. If you’re single it’s designed to make you depressed and if you happen to be in love, start shellin’ out. Chocolate, flowers, lingerie—
Kirsten: You’ve never bought me lingerie.
Sandy: And see how upset you are? I hate this holiday!

Sandy: Like golfing. Lots of couples golf together.
Kirsten: Shortly before dying of old age.

Kirsten: You never want to do anything that I like. Everything’s a fight, everything’s an argument. “My life, my job.”
Sandy: Yeah. Yeah yeah, and I’m still here!
Kirsten: Don’t do me any favors!
Sandy: I won’t!
Kirsten: Fine!
Sandy: Perfect! What are we fighting about?
Kirsten: I am not sure, but it’s serious.

Seth: I need to talk to you. Girl stuff.
Sandy: Well. You’ve come to the master. {Kirsten snickers} Hey, I got you.
Kirsten: I was young, impressionable, and drunk.
Seth: Only child, right here.

Sandy: Hey, listen, you were lucky to be able to hang in there after all that foreplay.
Seth: Fore-what-now?

Sandy: Hey. If I teach you guys anything, don’t ever get married.
Ryan: I’ve heard that from you before.
Sandy: Oh you’ll hear it from me again. I’ll be at the bar.

Sandy: You know, the thing about Ryan—
Marissa: No, this isn’t… It’s not about Ryan.
Sandy: I know. But the thing about Ryan…

Kirsten: Sometimes you make it hard to hate you.
Sandy: I know! It’s all, it’s part of my charm.
Kirsten: Sometimes you make it easy.

The Telenovela

Kirsten: He’s a consultant.
Sandy: Could you be please be a little more vague?
Kirsten: He knows people.
Sandy: You did it. That was a little more vague.

Sandy: You did musicals? I did a musical myself in college.
Kirsten: Oh, please, someone stop him before he starts singing “Greased Lightning.”
Seth: Do it, Dad! Travolta’s your bitch!

Seth: I love revolving restaurants.
Sandy: Who doesn’t. Motion and digestion. It’s an unbeatable combination.

The Goodbye Girl

Sandy: Do you want to know what I think?
Ryan: You’re going to tell me either way, right?
Sandy: Like my own son.

Joel: Let me tell you something, Sandy. The Newport Group is Orange County’s Enron. You make this just a little bit difficult for me and I will come down on you as hard as I can.
Sandy: Oh wow. This must be a reelection year.
Joel: Oh spare me. You and I have been friends for years. That’s probably why Caleb Nichol hired you. But it used to be, Sandy Cohen’s moral compass wouldn’t point him anywhere except the direction of truth. No matter who he took down.
Sandy: Ah, spoken like a man who’s never been married.

Sandy: I saw the D.A. today. It didn’t go what I would call “well.”

Caleb: What’s the matter, Sandy? You cut deals for yours clients all the time.
Sandy: Yeah. Well usually they’re the
ones who have broken the law. Not me.

Kirsten: I told you that I didn’t want you to get involved.
Sandy: I will always do what’s best for my family.
Kirsten: I would rather go to jail than be responsible for you being mixed up in this— getting into bed with my father.
Sandy: I promise you, I’d rather send you to jail that get in bed with your father.

The L.A.

Jimmy: When was the last time you took a look at the books?
Sandy: I don’t. That’s your job.
Jimmy: Well, we’ve basically blown through our entire budget.
Sandy: Wow, you’re really not so good at managing the money, are you Coop?
Jimmy: No. I’m really not.

Caleb: Wax philosophical about why your partner up and quit.
Sandy: He hasn’t quit. He went after Hailey.
Caleb: What are you talking about? Hailey’s in Club Med.
Sandy: Oh she’s in a club, but in Hollywood. Working as a stripper. Ryan just called. They found her. Anyway. That’s where my partner went. That’s why he’s my partner.

The Nana

Sandy about the pancakes: Enjoy them now, because we only have two hours to unleaven the entire kitchen.

Kirsten: What am I supposed to do? Sit back and let your mother take over the entire house?
Sandy: She’s going to do it anyway. At least this way we get a decent meal out of it.

Sandy: Oh, c’mon, Mom. It’s Ryan’s first Seder.
Seth: How do you know that? Don’t assume that. They have Jews in Chino. Why do you think they want a P.F. Cheng’s?

The Nana: Shawn and your dad used to run in a gang together, did you know that?
Seth: Oh yeah? Bloods or Crips, father?
Sandy: It was more of a youth group.

Sandy: Oh please, you’re gonna outlive us all.
The Nana: You think? Dr. Tally disagrees with you. He gives me four to six months, tops. He says I have advanced lung cancer. Want to know why I came? I came to say goodbye.

Sandy: So how was everything at home?
Ryan: You tell me. I was in Chino.

The Proposal

Sandy: I like to anticipate the worst at all times. It’s a Cohen family trait.

Sandy: Without a liquor license there’s no way this place can turn a profit. You know that. This is Newport Beach. Everyone here’s a borderline alcoholic.

Kirsten: My dad is marrying Julie Cooper. Julie Cooper is my step-mother.
Sandy: Maybe we’ll get you another bottle.

Sandy: I had no choice.
Jimmy: Yeah you did. You could have told me about Caleb and asked me to bow out.
Sandy: Like I said, I had no choice.

Sandy: That’s the biggest you could do? As big a badass as you are?

The Shower

Kirsten: I just don’t understand. What is the rush?
Sandy: Honey, it’s the Gruesome Twosome. What do you expect? It’s the shock-and-awe approach to courtship.

Kirsten: So he’s bought your acceptance?
Sandy: But at a really high price.

Sandy: So, are you ready to face the happy couple?
Kirsten: The gruesome twosome?

Kirsten to Theresa: I have some concealer upstairs. Works like a magic wand.
Sandy: She’s right. You should see her without the stuff on. Terrifying.

Sandy: Don’t try and fix this thing, kid. I am your guardian and I get to call the shots. Now get out of the car.

Kirsten: I am never throwing another party again.
Sandy: Ah honey, don’t tease.

The Strip

Sandy: So, Cay-Cay, what have you been doing all this time?

Sandy: Not that I have any affection for you, Caleb. You know that. But I do love The Vegas.
Seth: I didn’t know you loved The Vegas, Dad.
Sandy: I love The Vegas. Ryan, how do you feel about The Vegas?
Ryan: I’ve never been to The Vegas. My mom was all about The Reno.

Caleb: What is this place?
Sandy: This is the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino. According to Seth it is ground zero for aging hipsters like yourself.

Kirsten: There are four male strippers, dressed as firemen, dancing in our living room.
Sandy: Theme-stripping. You gotta love that.
Kirsten: Oh, wait, now they’re not dressed as anything at all.
Sandy: Try to keep them off of the furniture.

The Ties The Bind

Kirsten on the phone: My dad hates cilantro. If you put cilantro on anything I may be uninvite to the wedding.
Sandy: Somebody get me some cilantro.
Kirsten: And colored lights no way. White lights only. Because colored lights remind my father of a carnival. And he hates carnies.
Sandy: Note to self: hang with carnies.

Sandy: You’re not in school.
Ryan: Yeah, we were at the doctor’s office.
Kirsten: Is everything okay?
Seth: Yeah, it’s fine.
Theresa: I’m pregnant.
Seth: Well, except for that.

Caleb: So. What are you going to do when I’m not around to make you feel better about yourself?
Sandy: What, are you going somewhere?
Caleb: Maybe. Like say, San Quentin.

Sandy: So that’s why you wanted us out of the restaurant so fast. You sneaky… not-so-successful son of a bitch.

Sandy: Do you know what Ryan’s going through right now?!
Kirsten: Not as well as I know what she’s going through.

Sandy: It’s ironic. Julie leaves Jimmy, marries you, now he’s worth millions. And you’re gonna be broke.
Caleb: I don’t believe in irony.
Sandy: Well that’s too bad. Because, well it might be just the thing to get you through this.

Sandy: I told you. You could’ve done worse.

Sandy: Just because you’re leaving doesn’t mean I’m letting you go. pause. Now, come on, get dressed. You’re about to witness the most unholy of holy unions.

Kirsten: A little something for the road. Don’t worry, I didn’t make it. But if I did learn to cook, could we convince you to stay?
Sandy: Thank you. For inviting me into your home. You guys. This year was, ah…
Kirsten: For us too. {they hug}
Sandy: And Kirsten’s not even a hugger.
Kirsten: You always know how to ruin a moment.