The Heartbreak

Sandy: Valentine’s Day is not a holiday. Rosh Hashannah, that’s a holiday. Memorial Day, yes—a holiday. Do you know who inviented Valentine’s Day?
Kirsten: St. Valentine.
Sandy: Hershey’s and Hallmark. If you’re single it’s designed to make you depressed and if you happen to be in love, start shellin’ out. Chocolate, flowers, lingerie—
Kirsten: You’ve never bought me lingerie.
Sandy: And see how upset you are? I hate this holiday!

Summer: I’m not gonna be your sloppy seconds, assface.

Sandy: Like golfing. Lots of couples golf together.
Kirsten: Shortly before dying of old age.

Kirsten: You never want to do anything that I like. Everything’s a fight, everything’s an argument. “My life, my job.”
Sandy: Yeah. Yeah yeah, and I’m still here!
Kirsten: Don’t do me any favors!
Sandy: I won’t!
Kirsten: Fine!
Sandy: Perfect! What are we fighting about?
Kirsten: I am not sure, but it’s serious.

Jimmy examining a package: Well it’s not ticking. So it can’t be from your mom.

Summer: I’m busy. Studying. Naked.
Seth outside her door: And that’s supposed to keep me away.
Summer: Cohen? {she opens the door} You’re at my house!
Seth: And you’re dressed. I wonder who’s more disappointed.

Seth: It’s not like, like now that me and Anna broke up I’m now choosing you. Because the whole reason that we broke up, is ’cause for me… it’s always been you, Summer. It’s always been you. I’ve tried to fight it, and I’ve tried to deny it. And I can’t. I can’t do it. You’re undeniable.

Seth: So. That was sex.
Summer: Yep.
Seth: I’m gonna go.
Summer: Me too.
Seth: You live here.

Seth: I’m a man now. And not just like an after-your-Bar-Mitzvah-man, but a man man. I had sex with a girl. Summer, to be more specific.
Ryan: How was it?
Seth: I had sex.
Ryan: That bad.
Seth: No! Not that bad. Just, just kinda weird.
Ryan: Weird?
Seth: Not kinky weird, more like weird awkward. But hey, you know what? It was my first time, she’s a more experienced woman. That’s to be expected. And I did… make some faces in the middle that I wish that I could take back but I can’t. And there’s also sort of a whiny noise that came out towards the end […]. It sucked so bad. I was a fish, flopping around on dry land. Ryan, I was Nemo and I just wanted to go home.

Marissa: Okay, so I lied. Things last night with Ryan went terribly. I think he hates me.
Summer: He doesn’t hate you.
Marissa: He turned down sex.
Summer: He might be on to something.

Seth: I need to talk to you. Girl stuff.
Sandy: Well. You’ve come to the master. {Kirsten snickers} Hey, I got you.
Kirsten: I was young, impressionable, and drunk.
Seth: Only child, right here.

Sandy: Hey, listen, you were lucky to be able to hang in there after all that foreplay.
Seth: Fore-what-now?

Seth: Things with Summer now are more messed up than they were before the awful fish sex.
Ryan: I wouldn’t refer to it as “Fish Sex” again.

Seth rubs his eye and squints.
Ryan: What’d you do to your eye?
Seth: It’s just a litle bit blurry. Summer poked me in it with her big toe.
Ryan: What? Why?
Seth: I don’t know, man. It was an accident. There were limbs everywhere. I’m lucky I can still see.
Ryan: So you guys did the deed again?
Seth: Technically yes. But it wasn’t pretty. I think I have a spinal injury.
Ryan: Maybe next time you should wear a helmet, mouth guard.

Marissa: Are you limping?
Summer: Yeah. Cohen knee’d me in the leg.
Marissa: Why?
Summer: He must have read it in the Kama Sutra.

Sandy: Hey. If I teach you guys anything, don’t ever get married.
Ryan: I’ve heard that from you before.
Sandy: Oh you’ll hear it from me again. I’ll be at the bar.

Sandy: You know, the thing about Ryan—
Marissa: No, this isn’t… It’s not about Ryan.
Sandy: I know. But the thing about Ryan…

Kirsten: Sometimes you make it hard to hate you.
Sandy: I know! It’s all, it’s part of my charm.
Kirsten: Sometimes you make it easy.

Theresa (Navi Rawat): So do you go to a lot of these kinds of events?
Ryan: Pretty much every week.

Seth to Captain Oats: Not to rub it in, man, but I think Princess Sparkle is your type. Yeah, I blew it for us both. What’s that? Yeah, are you kidding? Great hoofs.

Summer: The other night… when we… had sex, you weren’t the only virgin in the room.
Seth: There was someone else in the room? Like filming us?
Summer: Me, jackass.

Summer: C’mon Cohen, you are so cheesy.
Seth: I’m sweeping you off your feet.
Summer: The sad part is, you kinda are.