The O.C. Sandy Cohen

Season 2

2004.11.04    

The Distance

Kirsten: Are you doing that thing where you think that I’m ignoring you, so you start speaking gibberish to see if I’m listening?
Sandy: Aw. You were listening.
Kirsten: Nope.

Sandy: Sometimes the best thing is for a kid to have some space.
Kirsten: The Pacific Ocean? That’s space?

Sandy: I’ve always liked Luke. Kind of a big Golden Retriever.
Ryan laughing: Actually, he kinda is.

Caleb: I don’t get it. His best friend leaves, so he runs off with another boy and his gay dad? Seems kind of strange.
Sandy: And this coming from a guy who is one click away from wearing a wig and a fake mustache.

Sandy: Hey, there’s plenty of good restaurants in Newport.
Seth: I thought you said all the restaurants in Newport were overpriced and oversauced.
Sandy: I have this thing about sauces. Less is more.

Sandy: I’m backing your plan.
Seth: Is this like a Jedi mind trick?

The Way We Were

Kirsten: Sandy?
Sandy: Honey, I’m in mid-shmear.

Sandy: Since when is scotch part of a nutritious brunch?
Caleb: Since the DA’s office finally decided they had enough to indict me.

Julie: Will someone tell me what’s going on?
Sandy: Cal.
Caleb: I’m going to bed. The pleasure is all yours, Sanford. Enjoy.

Kirsten: Sandy, apologize.
Sandy: I have nothing to apologize to him for! Nothing. And I am sick to death of putting myself on the line for this family and getting nothing.

Sandy: What I said in there, it wasn’t about you.
Kirsten: Thank god. ‘Cause you were scary.

Sandy: Have dinner with us, instead. I won’t cook, I promise. Although if Kirsten’s mad enough at
you, she might.

Sandy to Caleb: Don’t say anything. I’ll follow you to the station. {to the arresting officer} I’m his lawyer.

The New Kid on the Block

Sandy: You’re not exactly the ideal client.
Caleb: What, rich? Powerful?
Sandy: Guilty.

Sandy: Guess who no longer works for Partridge, Savage and Caan.
Kirsten
: You quit?
Sandy: I got fired. Quit slash got fired. A lot of things were said. None of them good.
Kirsten: What happened?
Sandy: Your father.

Caleb: When I have champagne I get giggly.
Sandy: When have you ever been giggly?

Caleb: What do you suggest I do?
Sandy: I suggest you find a way to make it up to Kirsten. Now. Unless you want Julie to be your lawyer too.

Sandy: Does the light of dawn make any of this easier to take?
Kirsten: Harder, actually.

The New Era

Caleb: Are you a frittata man?
Sandy: I’m fine.

Sandy: Today he sent me to go meet with his former assistant, Phyllis.
Kirsten: Phyllis died last year.
Sandy: Exactly. Literally, dead ends.

Julie: Now I know I’m not your favorite person right now, but I have a way to make it up to you.
Sandy: This can’t be good.

Caleb: What the hell are you doing here?
Sandy: Well I tried to talk to Phyllis earlier, but I left my Ouija board at home.

Sandy: I’ll only ask you this once, Cal. Are you having an affair?
Caleb: We’re in much deeper water than that, my friend.

The SnO.C.

Sandy: What could he possibly have done that he’d rather go to jail than admit to? Unless, life with Julie Cooper is tougher than we thought.

Kirsten: I don’t want you getting yourself in trouble over this.
Sandy: Aw, honey. It’s a little late for that.

Renee Wheeler: Mr. Cohen, you know I can’t speak to you without my attorney present.
Sandy: Ms. Wheeler, with all due respect, you didn’t say a word to me when your attorney was present.

Ryan: Nice work.
Sandy: Never underestimate a parent’s ability to mortify his child.

Sandy: Even if you were having an affair with this woman, sixteen years is an awfully long time to be paying someone palimony.
Unless there was a child.
Caleb: That is the most preposterous—
Sandy: Was there a child?

The Chrismukkah That Almost Wasn’t

Caleb: What is the point of living in Southern California if it’s going to be this cold?
Sandy: Fifty degrees in December, Cal. That ain’t cold.
Caleb: Yeah, my blood must have gotten thinner.
Sandy: Or you’ve got ice in your veins.

Sandy: Spare me. You’re not trying to protect Lindsay, you’re trying to protect yourself. Because you know once you come clean you’re gonna get what’s coming to you. But facing Kirsten and Julie has got to be better than going to jail.
Caleb: Kirsten maybe. Not Julie.
Sandy: Well this is it. I’m done. And so are you. Happy Holidays.

Seth: Father! I have just discovered the ideal job for you this Chrismukkah.
Sandy: Chrismukkah. Oh, leave me out of it.
Kirsten: Oy humbug.
Seth: Oy humbug.

Renee: Why did you want to meet here?
Sandy: I’ve run out of places to go. I’ve had so many clandestine meetings lately I feel like I’m in an Oliver Stone movie.

The Family Ties

Seth: It’s a story as old as time, really. Boy meets girl, boy likes girl, boy finds out girl is surrogate mother’s illegitimate half-sister.
Sandy: I’m guessing it’s too soon to joke, Seth. Even for a Cohen.

Sandy: If she comes back and decides she wants to be part of this family…
Ryan: Then we’re done dating, huh?
Sandy: Unless you want to move to the south.

Sandy: Keep shucking, Seth! I want dinner ready by the time your mother gets home.
Seth menacing his father with corn: Hey! Maybe I don’t feel like shucking these, okay? Maybe you should go and shuck ’em yourself, old man! {long pause until Sandy and Ryan start laughing}
Ryan: That’s good.
Sandy: You had me shaking in my boots.
Seth: I’m so screwed. Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. I get mad I turn into like a 75-year-old yenta… named Sylvia.

Jimmy: I’ve got terrible news, really. I’ve fallen in love with my ex-wife.
Sandy: You were married before Julie?
Kirsten: You’re in love with Julie?
Sandy: Well I don’t believe that.
Kirsten: Unfortunately I do.

Sandy: What’s going on? {trash cans crash}. You guys okay? Seth?
Seth: Shh! We’re being stealth! {rolls across the hood of the car. Sort of.}

Marissa: I brought bagels.
Sandy: Well that’s the secret password in the Cohen household.

The Power of Love

Sandy: Woah! Top of the morning to you too.
Kirsten: Happy Anniversary.
Sandy after an akward pause: Happy Anniversary to you as well.
Kirsten: I love you.
Sandy: I love you too. Oh, I love you more now than I did nineteen years ago.
Kirsten: You mean you love me more now than you did a year after we got married?
Sandy: No! Come on. No, you know what I’m saying. That Newlywed year, that doesn’t count. It’s a given.
Kirsten: You don’t know how long we’ve been married.
Sandy: No! No. I was kidding you. I know it’s our twentieth. How could I forget that? Who forgets their twentieth anniversary?
Kirsten: Apparently you.

Sandy: Nothing like a little Julie Cooper to strike terror in the hearts of children everywhere.

Sandy: All we do is send them to their room to do their homework. What are they going to learn?
Kirsten: Their homework.

Sandy: Maybe we could log some parent-child time right now.
Kirsten: Watching teevee?
Sandy: Why not? It’s Bill O’Reilly. That’ll be punishment enough.

Sandy: We can not fight a war on multiple fronts. Have we learned nothing from the Nazis?

Alex: Wow. No dad has ever asked me to straighten out his son before.
Sandy: I really don’t like going behind his back. But I think sometimes in order to be a good dad you gotta be a bad guy.
Alex: Don’t have much experience with good dads.
Sandy: Hey, well listen, you stop over at the house anytime, Kirsten and I will be more than happy to ground you too.

Kirsten: I’m not letting the boys stay with Julie Cooper, but they can’t be left alone.
Sandy: Honey. Teenagers. They like girls.
Kirsten: One of which happens to be my sister.
Sandy: So what, we’re gonn forbid him?
Kirsten: Not you. You wouldn’t forbid them anything. You’re too busy being their best friend. I’m the one that has to enforce all the rules.
Sandy: I’ve never done more grounding than I have in the last twenty-four hours!
Kirsten: Who let Seth run away to Portland?
Sandy: What, we’re talking about this now?
Kirsten: You went up there and told him he could stay.
Sandy: It’s a good thing I did! If I let you drag him home we could have lost him forever.
Kirsten: But that’s why this is happening! Because he thinks he can do whatever he wants and you’ll just keep me from coming down on him.
Sandy: You think somebody can stop you from coming down on somebody?
Kirsten: Right. And I should find it adorable that you forgot our anniversary!

Kirsten: You planned all this?
Sandy: I prefer the term orchestrated.

The Ex-Factor

Kirsten: We have ordered enough for a small army.
Sandy: I’ve got an idea. Why don’t you two invite your female cohorts over?
Ryan: Lindsay’s with her mom. Family therapy and to a Truffaut retrospective.
Sandy: That’s a hell of a doubleheader.

Sandy: Ask me while you’re giving me the massage. I’m inclined to say yes.

Sandy: Okay, honey, I don’t want to alarm you, but there’s a giant Julie Cooper on the table.

Sandy: It’s my fault. I’ve once again gotten caught up in this nasty game of Hungry, Hungry Hippo.

The Accomplice

Gail: As you can see, it’s a bit of a fixer-upper.
Kirsten: That’s one way to put it.
Sandy: Who are you kidding, Gail? This place is a first-class dump. And I like it!

Kirsten: You’re going to prison?
Sandy: Oh, just for the day.

The Second Chance

Sandy: I can see how that might salt your game.
Rebekah: “Salt my game”? Is that how they talk in Orange County?
Sandy: Stick around, you’ll be saying “rad” in no time.

Rebekah: We should celebrate!
Sandy: Yeah, I’ll go rent out Chucky Cheese.

Sandy: Yeah, while I’m harboring a fugitive I’ll go score some pot on the street.

The Lonely Hearts Club

Sandy: There are days that I think me and Kirsten are bulletproof. I don’t wanna test that theory.

The Test

Kirsten: Have you seen Seth?
Sandy: Well I’ve smelled him. Smells like Teen Spirit to me.

Sandy: The FBI was here.
Kirsten: Well it wouldn’t be the Cohen house if it wasn’t a visit from law enforcement.

Ryan about the movie: He tries to do good but he usually ends up destroying everything.
Sandy: Ah, good. My kinda hero.

The Rainy Day Women

Sandy: I feel like we’ve become like strangers.
Kirsten: Well, I was taught never to talk to strangers.

Kirsten: You took the bus.
Sandy: I told you, nothing could keep me away from you.
Kirsten: Is it over?
Sandy: I can promise you it never started.

The Mallpisode

Seth: Ah. Father. I’m glad to see you finally found your calling.
Caleb: Exactly what I said.
Sandy: Ah, nothing like a good crack about a plumber.

About the Skill Crane ring prize
Caleb: You really want that ring, don’t you?
Sandy: More than anything.
Caleb: I’ll get more quarters.

The Blaze of Glory

Kirsten: He wants to take it beyond gossip and dish. Focus on culture, the local art scene.
Sandy: So it’s really more of a pamphlet than a magazine.

Sandy: Julie, you scared me. More than usual.
Julie: Always a pleasure, Sanford.
Sandy: Only Caleb gets to call me Sanford because he won’t not.

Sandy: So you started out with a porn director and ended up with Caleb. I’d consider that a lateral
move.

Sandy about Carter: Only a couple of weeks in Newport and already his spirit is crushed.

Julie: Please tell me you have some news.
Sandy: Well unfortunately Lance is as sleazy as he looks but not as dumb.

Julie: I am so screwed.
Sandy: I know. I saw the footage.

The Brothers Grim

Kirsten: I know Trey is the only family that Ryan has and I do think that we should help him—
Sandy: But you’re scared I’ll want to adopt him.

The Risky Business

Sandy: So a charity event where the donors keep half the profits and a yard sale with no yard. Hm. So that’s how they do it in the OC.

Seth: He surfs, he sings, he practically fights crime. Maybe Sandy Cohen could be our action hero.
Sandy: Just say the word, son.

Sandy about Ryan: He’s very chivalrous, not unlike a young Steve McQueen.
Seth: Yeah, some people say chivalry’s dead, but I just don’t believe it.

Kirsten: Sandy, it’s an honorary chair. A figure-head position. You’d be the master of ceremonies, like an auctioneer. And you know what an MC has.
Sandy: An unfair advantage. You know the opponent’s weakness.
Kirsten: That’s right. A microphone. On stage. With an audience. A captive audience.
Sandy: And a few showtunes, perhaps.
Kirsten: You just have to go by the Club today and say hello.
Sandy: Just a figurehead?
Kirsten: With a mic.

Sandy: Hey, guys. I’m chairing The OC Pseudo-Charity Non-Yard sale.
Seth: Hey, Dad, that’s fantastic.
Ryan: Good luck with that.

Sandy: Joanne. Tell me you didn’t order those napkin rings? This is not a mob wedding.
Joanne: Gosh, Sandy, I thought they were kind of fun.
Sandy: No.

Sandy: So, you and Kirsten have been spending a lot of time working together. Long hours, late nights.

Sandy: We were talking about hanging out next week. Maybe get some drinks.
Kirsten: Well he definitely likes drinks. takes a sip of wine

Sandy admiring Ryan’s job on Trey’s tie: I am impressed! fixes tie Ready to rip-off some Newpsies?

Sandy: Okay, folks, here’s a beautiful Erté-esque statue. Yes, indeed. Very fetching. What do we start the bidding at? $75. I guess it’s more “esque” than Erté.

The Rager

Sandy: I tell you the timing in this household is a thing of beauty.

Sandy: Ah, you’re just out of practice. Everybody hits themselves in the face with the board.
Carter: Three times in one wave?
Sandy: Well, that was impressive.

Kirsten: Hey Carter. You look nice.
Carter: Oh thanks. Sandy told me to spiff it up a bit.
Sandy: Yeah, I didn’t want him to embarrass us.

Sandy to Trey: Keep your mouth shut. I’ll meet you in jail. {to the arresting officer} Officer, I’m his lawyer.

The O.C. Confidential

Kirsten: Neither of us are actually in the right shape to drive just yet, so—.
Sandy: A little too much of the Indian Spirit, huh?

The Return of the Nana

Kirsten: What happened?
Seth: Is everything alright?
Sandy: The Nana. Headed for the altar.
Kirsten: She’s getting married?
Sandy: Pack your bags. We’re going to Miami.
Seth: Alright. Shuffleboard, Mah Jonng, dinner at 4. This is going to be the best Spring Break ever.

Sandy: You know the Nana and her schedule. Friday night’s Mah Jongg.
Seth: What? Since when’s Friday night Mah Jongg? That totally throws off my schedule.

Sandy about Seth: Alright, now I’m officially terrified.
Ryan: He doesn’t have that many friends at school.

Bobby: She’s a great lady, huh? Your mom. Quite the pistol.
Sandy: I always thought of her as more of an AK-47.

Sandy: Look at Ma. A cell phone.
The Nana: I’m very hip.
Sandy: I guess so.
The Nana: I just can’t read the buttons.

The Showdown

Sandy: Do you think I look like Tony Blair?
Kirsten: Uh, you have nicer hair.
Sandy: Good hair, leader of Great Britain. I would call it a wash.

Sandy about Carter: Did you have an affair with him?
Kirsten: You don’t get it, do you? Kirsten storms off
Sandy to himself: No.

The O.Sea

Julie: Sandy, I did not come here to talk about myself. But as long as we’re on the subject, I could kind of use your advice.
Sandy: Hey, if this involves you being naked, please: you gotta warn me.

Sandy: What Kirsten needs right now is a little support. If you can’t give her that, then show yourself out.
Caleb: I see you’re employing your usual soft ball approach. That might be appropriate when your son runs off to Portland, but this is a tad more serious.

Sandy: What are we going to do about you? I found your stash.
Kirsten: It’s just in case.
Sandy: I trusted you. I believed you when you said you were done.

Sandy: […] Wait wait wait. Calm down. Say that again? […] Oh my god. I understand. […] Of course. {he hangs up.} It’s about your father.
Kirsten: What is it? He’s all right isn’t he?
Sandy: He’s dead.

The Dearly Beloved

Sandy giving Caleb’s eulogy: Caleb Nichol was not a man of many words. He was however a brilliant man. He leaves a legacy of possibility. But his true achievement were his children. He was a caring father, a wonderful grandfather, a truly terrible father-in-law. […] So, he may be gone, but he won’t soon be forgotten. Rest in peace, Caleb. And if you can’t do that, I’m sure heaven could use a few more McMansions.

Julie: If it would help, I could take over Kirsten Watch for awhile.
Sandy: I don’t know if anything’s gonna help.
Julie: So then let her glower at me. I’m used to it.
Sandy: Unfortunately, so am I these days. Thank you Julie.

Sandy: I am powerless before a white fish.

Hailey about Kirsten: How long has this been going on?
Sandy: Too long. And last night sealed the deal. She’s getting help whether she wants it or not.
Hailey: Speaking of help, how can I?

Sandy: There’s a doctor coming here this afternoon. He’s going to help us stage an intervention.
Seth: What? Is this like an after-school special? Her dad died, she’s sad. She’s having a few drinks.
Sandy: This has been going on for a long time. The car accident she had—
Seth: Yeah?
Sandy: Did you know she’d been drinking?
Seth: No. I didn’t. Because you never told me! You never told me anything until right now and you expect me to help ship her off.
Sandy: We’re trying to help her.
Seth: Right. How do I know you didn’t cause her to drink? Something weird’s been going on between you two all year.
Sandy: I get that you’re upset. I’m upset too.
Seth: Okay, well if your way of showing that you’re upset is shipping her off so you don’t have to deal with her, that’s fine. I’m just not going to be a part of it.
Sandy
: You are a part of it, whether you want to be or not. You want to run away again? Get in your boat and sail
away? Your mother needs you. {Enter Ryan} Come on in Ryan, you should hear this.
Seth: Yeah, apparently mom’s a drunk and today’s the intervention. So plan your afternoon accordingly.

Ryan: If you want, I could talk to him, tell him you’re doing the right thing. ‘Cause you are.
Sandy: Thanks. That’s my job.