The O.C. Seth Cohen

Season 2

2004.11.04    

The Distance

Luke: Cohen got in a little fight with his mom.
Seth: Thanks. That was both honest and emasculating.

Seth: She has to understand it’s not all about her.
Luke: You’ve got some willpower, because she has a killer rack.

Sandy: Hey, there’s plenty of good restaurants in Newport.
Seth: I thought you said all the restaurants in Newport were overpriced and oversauced.
Sandy: I have this thing about sauces. Less is more.

Sandy: I’m backing your plan.
Seth: Is this like a Jedi mind trick?

Luke: C’mon, Chino. Try and hurt me. Make me feel pain. Wound me.
Seth: Do you know all the money Luke saves on therapy through this thing.

Ryan: Hey, so, ah, I was thinking.
Seth: I was thinking too. You know they don’t even have a water polo team here. That’s just gonna be a problem for me.

Ryan: How’d you make it all the way from Newport on that little catamaran?
Seth: Hm. Well, Ryan, sit down, my son. motions for him to sit down. It was a long and torturous journey, and I’m
not gonna, I’m not gonna sugar coat any details with you—
Ryan: Please don’t.
Seth: —’cause we’re friends. First, I sailed to Catalina. Then, I sailed to Santa Barbara. Santa Barbara, I ran out
of snacks. Freaked out a little bit, pawned my boat for cash, took a Greyhound to Portland.
Ryan: You took a bus.
Seth: Yeah. But don’t say it like that, cause it was a local. Okay, have you ever been in one of those? Okay, not for the
faint of heart.
Ryan: I can’t believe after all that you took a bus.
Seth: Yeah. I think we’re definitely going to have to come up with a better story for school though, that’d be good.
Ryan: I don’t know, I like the bus idea. It’s cool.
Seth: Okay, what about maybe… boat sank, saved by whales? It’s very Whale Rider.
Ryan: What else you got?
Seth: I took a boat, boat sank, saved by a mermaid? Boat sank, stranded on a desert island…

The Way We Were

Seth: We can not go.
Ryan: We can’t not go.
Seth: We can so not go.

Ryan pointing at the Comic Book Club flyer: Who’s this guy?
Seth: That’s me with powers. The power to be handsome. What do you think?
Ryan: I think this has something to do with the whole outcast thing.

Seth passing out flyers: Hey guys. Comic Book League. Check it out. We’re gonna be getting into the issues. The stuff that matters. You know what I mean? Check it out. Today’s topic: capes. Fey, or really cool?
Check out the unofficial Comic Book League shirt.

Seth: Ryan would you please take the minutes?
Ryan: Uh, Seth it’s just us.
Seth: Yeah, uh huh. write that down. I now call to order this year’s first Harbor School Comic Book League meeting. Members include Seth Cohen, present. Ryan Atwood.
Ryan: Uh Seth, it’s just—
Seth: Ryan Atwood?
Ryan: Present. Seth, it’s just you and me, can we maybe do this at home?
Seth: Yeah, we could, but then wouldn’t get our pictures in the yearbook.
Ryan: That might not be such a bad thing.
Seth: Yeah, maybe you couldn’t undermine me in front of the league. What about that?
Zach: Hey, I’m here for the comic book club.
Seth: You are?
Ryan: You are?
Zach: Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?
Seth: Um… because you’re on the water polo team?
Zach: What’s that supposed to mean?

Seth: Dude, I love that guy.
Ryan: You’re not the only one. motions at Summer kissing Zach
Seth: No. She cannot be dating him. That’s not even possible. How is that possible?
Ryan: A second ago you wanted to date him.

Seth: Dude, do you really think Summer’s gonna want to be friends with me after what I did to her. Especially now that she has the Zach Attack? The guy’s like Superman.
Ryan: He’s not like Superman.
Seth: He’s like a thoroughbred. And I’m a monkey. With cymbals.

Seth: I will bring these walls down with one single grand gesture!
Ryan: No! No grand gestures!

Seth: I’m going to go and find a hotdog stand to climb.

Summer: Cohen. What are you doing?
Seth: Nothing. Why?
Summer: Looks like you’re humping the hot dog stand.

Summer smacking Seth: What the hell do you think you’re doing, Cohen? This isn’t a game. You could have gotten hurt.
Seth: Good thing I didn’t.

The New Kid on the Block

Seth: The Bait Shop? Could be our very own CBGBs.
Ryan: Could be what?
Seth: C’mon. What? The only music they had in Chino was the sound of gunshots and helicopters?

Seth: I have a mop, Ryan!
Ryan: You got a mop, Bro!

Seth: So, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to the urinals! walks off whistling as Ryan stands there stoically until Seth wanders back the other way
Seth: I don’t know where they are.

Alex: That’s sweet. It’s pathetic but sweet.
Seth: Yeah, that’s my niche. Pathetic and sweet.

Summer: Cohen, that was really sweet.
Seth: Pathetic and sweet?
Summer: No, just sweet.

Seth: Maybe I just— I can’t be just friends with you.
Summer: Then I guess maybe this is it for us.

Seth: Please, dude. I just need to talk about me for like several more hours at least.
Ryan: I thought you didn’t do that anymore.
Seth: That was the new Seth Cohen. I’m back, Ryan. Cohen Classic. Red, white, and blue.

The New Era

Seth about Lindsay: She’s musical, she’s witty… hopefully she’s free for lunch.

Ryan: She’s argumentative… bossy.
Seth: Yeah, that’s my type.

Seth: Her with a tattoo, you with a wristband. That’s like the ultimate wrong-side-of-the-tracks love story.

Seth: I’ve redefined rock-bottom like several times tonight.

Seth to Summer: Can I talk to you for like, one minute? Zach, I’m really sorry.
Zach: Okay, I’m gonna go jump off the pier.

Seth: So. To recap. I got disco-ed by two girls in one night, and unfortunately that’s just… not the first time it’s happened.

The SnO.C.

Summer: Hey Cohen, you should invite that girl from Saturday night. Yeah… oh, I forgot. She totally pulled a Houdini on your ass.
Seth: Oh you must be talking about Lindsay. Not Alex, the one I made out with.
Summer: Oh, sorry. Alex. My mistake, and here I am feeling sorry for the wrong girl…
Zach: I should probably get to class…
Summer: You know, you should just really make sure she wears comfortable shoes so she doesn’t twist her ankle when she’s running away…
Seth motions to Zach: Yeah. Like, like him?
Summer: Zach! Heh! runs after him
Seth: That worked out rather nicely.

Seth: Ryan Atwood, afraid of a girl?
Ryan: I just might like her, and every time a big event happens…
Seth: Things go awry.

Seth: Hey, need a hand with something?
Marissa: Sure.
Seth: Ryan, be a gentleman. heading off I’ve got class.

Seth: The guy loves to dance.

Summer: You’ve gotta go Ice-Man on her ass.
Seth: Was that your first X-Men reference?
Summer: Top Gun.

Seth: That is how lame I have become. I have to be third-wheel to not even a real relationship.

Zach: I get it. You’re one of those couples. Joannie and Chachi, Luke and Leia.
Seth: Luke and Leia were brother and sister.
Zach: Yeah, well, may the force be with you.

The Chrismukkah That Almost Wasn’t

Seth: I’ve invited the Nichols… or the Cooper-Nichols… or whatever they’re called.

Seth: Where are we going to find some Jews in Orange County?

Kirsten: Oy, humbug
Seth: Oy, humbug.

Seth: For Chrismukkah to sweep the nation, we must have an anthem.

Seth singing: Moses and Jesus, they both had beards.

The Family Ties

Seth: Will you punch someone, please? For old time’s sake?

Seth: It’s a story as old as time, really. Boy meets girl, boy likes girl, boy finds out that girl is surrogate mother’s illegitimate half-sister.
Sandy: I’m guessing it’s too soon to joke, Seth. Even for a Cohen.

Seth: Holy 80s teen comedy plot!

Sandy: Keep shucking, Seth! I want dinner ready by the time your mother gets home.
Seth: menacing his father with corn Hey! Maybe I don’t feel like shucking these… Okay, maybe you should go and shuck ’em yourself, old man!
long pause then suddenly Sandy and Ryan laugh
Ryan: That’s good.
Sandy: You had me shaking in my boots.
Seth: I’m so screwed. Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the hulk. I get mad I turn into like a 75 year old yenta… named Silvia.

Ryan: You realize we’re screwed.
Seth: Dude, I’m wearing a wifebeater.

Sandy: What’s going on? {trash cans crash.} You guys okay? Seth?
Seth: Shh! We’re being stealth! {rolls across the hood of the car. Sort of.}

Seth: Hello. I just came by to tell you I’m dying and and thank you for your friendship. And also to apologize for whatever happened last night.
Ryan: Well you don’t have to apologize to me. Have you talked to Zach?
Seth: No. Why?
Ryan: Well. You kind of destroyed his relationship with Summer.
Seth: Oh. I violated the code of man.
Ryan: Talked to Alex?
Seth: She won’t answer my calls.
Ryan: Hm. Might have something to do with all the vomit.
Seth: All the vomit? How much vomit? Like, the little girl in Sixth Sense or the fat guy in Monty Python?
Ryan: Well, you wanted to be a bad boy. You did bad.

Kirsten: Ah! If it isn’t my son the wino.
Seth: You guys found out?
Kirsten: Well, you weren’t exactly stealth.

The Power of Love

Seth: If you’re alone, cough twice.
Ryan: I’m alone.
Seth: Okay, it’s not as stealth but it works too.

Seth: We made blueberry, buttermilk… and if you’re feeling especially sinful, chocolate chip.

Seth: I call this part “prepping the oven.”

The Ex-Factor

Ryan: Have you heard about it?
Seth: Heard about it? I have an 80-foot mock-up in my front [something].

Seth: Okay, tonight Newport is our bitch, okay?

Seth: Ryan, my girlfriend hooked up with a girl. There’s only one thing to do in this situation.
Zach: You’re gonna hook up with a guy?

Seth: I’ve got a lot of testosterone pumping. Testosterone being the key ingredient missing in Alex’s previoius
relationship.

The Accomplice

Seth: Is she back together with her lesbian ex? And if so is she open to some sort of menage-a-threeway as in
the film Summer Lovers?

Seth: Hey! Bryan Gatwood. AKA Kid Chino!

Seth: Turns out I don’t make a very convincing Super Hero.

Summer: I don’t wanna hear it. What are you guys? Like Kavalier and Gay?
Seth amused and impressed: That was funny.
Summer indignant: I know.

Seth: I know that it’s totally creepy. I know that. I’m sorry. It’s was just a very long summer and I’m sorry and I will destroy all of them right now. I just need to find my X-Acto knife.

Ryan: How’d it go with Zach?
Seth: Well great until Summer came over and discovered my sketchbook.
Ryan: What’d she do?
Seth: Well I thought she was going to get a restraining order, but it turns out she’s just gonna get her own action figure.

The Second Chance

Ryan: Is this about Alex?
Seth: Ah, no no. She’s merely kitchen table fodder at this point. She’s no longer up to poolhouse standard.

Seth: So then you’re saying I’m just complaining that I have nothing to complain about?
Ryan: This is what I’m saying.

Zach: And Cohen, you gotta nail Summer!
Seth: What?!
Summer: Excuse me?

Seth: Okay, the way you’re holding the pencil, you’re choking it.
Summer: I am not! This pencil can breathe on its own!

The phone rings. Seth tries out his Super Powers. No dice. Kinda funny.

The Lonely Hearts Club

Seth: I’d be a little more confident of me and Summer… if we hadn’t made out.
Ryan: You guys made out?
Seth: No.

After Kirsten sends roses down the trash compactor
Seth: Looks like I’m not the only one at odds with the universe.

Seth: Our noses grazed. And it was like the most sexually charged nose-graze in the history of nose grazes. It’s essentially nose-humping, is what it is.

Seth: So, for Valentine’s Day, you’re giving Lindsay … grandpa?

Seth: After today, how I acted, Ryan, I don’t think I’d get back together with me.

The Test

Seth: I’m gonna go home, watch VH1. I think Best Week Ever‘s on.

Seth: I think closure’s overrated. I’m more of a fan of open unrequited love.

Seth to Ryan: Last time I tried to talk to Summer she nearly decapitated me with my favorite pillow!

Summer: See ya, Cohen.
Seth: See ya, Summer.

The Rainy Day Women

Seth: Think we should stick together? Kinda two-by-two like Noah did? He’s very wise, Ryan. He had a beard.

Seth: Spiderman is really the only protective headgear I own.
Summer: Well, it’s too bad you weren’t wearing protective headgear when you were dropped on your head as a child.
Seth: Oh, zing!

Seth: Unless I can think of one last grand romantic gesture, Summer’s gone.
Ryan: Wow. You know, I remember when I first heard about Summer. We were sailing and you said you named your boat after her. Which I thought was a little weird considering you never actually talked to her.
Seth: Eureka, Ryan! I can’t believe I just said Eureka. That’s it!
Ryan: What’s it?
Seth: The way to win her back. The grand romantic gesture that’s gonna put Zachary’s Euro-Trip to shame. I shall take her on a sailing adventure aboard the Summer Breeze.
Ryan: Except you sold the boat for bus fare.
Seth: I did. Dammit. Eureka, Ryan! I shall buy back the Summer Breeze! Yes.
Ryan: Uh huh. Except with what money?
Seth: Okay, if I wanted my parade rained on, I would just step outside. Let me ask you, man. Do you like the shape of the idea, even.
Ryan: Definitely.
Seth: Okay great. So all I need is money. Hang on. Yes, got the answer. But before I say Eureka again, do you see any other potential flaws or holes in my plan?
Ryan: No.
Seth: Then Eureka, Ryan! Eu-friggin-reka!

Seth: I appreciate you selling me my boat back. When I sold it I was in desperate straits. Low blood sugar, no snacks.

Seth: Marissa and Alex: no longer welcome in the Red States.
Ryan: That I wouldn’t have predicted. Think it’s real?
Seth: God, I hope so.

Seth on voicemail: Hey, it’s me. Look, perhaps you’re screening…. Perhaps you’re being screened by security.

The Mallpisode

Ryan: This thing with Lindsay is… different.
Seth: Different how?
Ryan: Different as in not fixed by pancakes. And don’t ask me how I feel about waffles.
Seth: Got it.

Seth: This thing with Lindsay is just really kicking Ryan’s ass.
Summer: Which is why it’s a good thing we’re like the Marines.
Seth: How are we like the Marines?
Summer: We leave no man behind. Look, Lindsay may have turned her back on Ryan, but we won’t. No. You have got to cheer him up. Semper Fi.
Seth: Oh, Semper Fi. That’s so cute.

Seth: And besides, now with Lindsay out of the picture, maybe Ryan and Marissa will get back together.
Summer: Are you crazy? They’re like the worst couple ever. And besides Marissa’s happy now.
Seth: Okay, and by happy you mean gay.

Seth: Ah. Father. I’m glad to see you finally found your calling.
Caleb: Exactly what I said.
Sandy: Ah, nothing like a good crack about a plumber.

Seth: How is it that Ryan and Marissa are now the functioning couple?
Summer: Oh my god, we can not be more annoying than Ryan and Marissa. They’re monsters.
Seth: I like monsters.

The Blaze of Glory

Seth: I gotta say, last year? Better than this year.
[…]
Ryan: Maybe it’s because last year was new.

Ryan: Live in the now, Seth.
Seth: I’m sorry. I’m afraid I can’t do that.

Ryan: You’re kinda creeping me out.
Seth: I’m okay with that.

Seth: That guy worked an entire summer in construction. And also he enjoys architecture and burning stuff down.

Marissa: That’s a good idea. Thanks.
Seth: Don’t mention it. Especially not to Summer.

Seth: Yeah, I’m sure whatever you come up with, Marissa will love to… it.

Seth: Someone’s going to kill me.

Seth about Alex: That is one angry lesbian.

Seth: I think Captain Oats would be very proud. Or… deeply disturbed by this ritual.

The Brothers Grim

Ryan getting off the phone: That was Trey.
Kirsten: Your brother?
Ryan: Yeah. He’s getting out of jail tomorrow. Wants me to pick him up in Chino.
Seth: Well, there’s that family trip you wanted.

Seth: Hey. What are you doing here? There’s bagels and cream cheese to be had in the kitchen.

Seth to Zach: Hey, man. You came back. People never leave and come back.

Seth: You’re still an Atwood. Only a slightly more edgy, darker version. I think. But some people think Ryan’s gotten more softer.
Trey: Ryan said you talk a lot.

Seth: You want me to come? I’ve got a knack for picking out the post-prison wardrobe.

Seth: I saw the high road there and I just did not take it on that one.

The Risky Business

Trey: Just ah, something I picked up in prison.
Seth entering: Ah yeah, the old scallion and shiv omelet. I’ve seen Lockup. Stallone’s finest work since Over the Top.
Trey: Stallone, huh? Eh, I’m more of a Van Damme fan.
Ryan: What, are you kidding me? Segal, man.
Seth: Yeah, a divided house can not eat. Now we all gotta get together between a single action hero.
Sandy entering: Steve McQueen.
Seth: Steve Ma-who?
Sandy: My own son doesn’t know Steve McQueen.
Trey: You know a lot of people like Great Escape. I gotta go with Bullitt.
Sandy: He cooks breakfast and a McQueen fan. I knew I liked you.

Seth: He surfs, he sings, he practically fights crime. Maybe Sandy Cohen could be our action hero.
Sandy: Just say the word, son.

Sandy about Ryan: He’s very chivalrous, not unlike a young Steve McQueen.
Seth: Yeah, some people say chivalry’s dead, but I just don’t believe it.

Sandy: Hey, guys. I’m chairing The OC Pseudo-Charity Non-Yard sale.
Seth: Hey, Dad, that’s fantastic.
Ryan: Good luck with that.

Ryan: Hey, you wanna do a little living room rearrange?
Seth: Yeah, yeah. Let’s make it a three-way. Ryan looks at Seth. What? That came out weird.

Seth about Ryan/Marissa weirdness: That didn’t take long. C’mon, Trey’s inside wearing a shirt.

Summer: You guys bringing back the comic book?
Seth and Zach: No! No. Goodness gracious no!
Seth slowly raises shield: It’s a graphic novel. It’s totally different.

Ryan: Okay, you stay here.
Seth: What are you going to do?
Ryan: I don’t know.
Seth: Okay, I got a plan. The kind of plan that made me All-Camp Capture-the-Flag Champ Tahoe. And it is extremely stealth.

Seth: Hello! Pleased to meet you.
Big Dude: Who the hall are you?
Seth: Well I’m Pivens McGee and I am from the Film Preservation Society. Now what we’re doing is we’re putting on a Tom Cruise retrospective. Now I understand that you’re in possession of the crystal egg from Risky Business. other guy gets up from couch Hi. How are you? Now what we’re doing is we’re collecting, ah, Mr. Cruise’s props from his most memorable films and putting them on display. We’ve got the rum bottle from Cocktail. We’ve got the ceramic mask from Vanilla Sky. We’ve got the little kid with the big head from Jerry McGuire. He’s actually in the car. I don’t know if you’re interested in meeting him.
Big Dude: 1: Hey, go on, man. Get lost.
Big Dude 2: Wait. How does he know about the egg?
Seth: How does he know about the egg? Or you know, or I know? How does he? How do I—?
Big Dude 2: How do you know about the egg?
Seth: How do I know about the egg?
Big Dude 2: Yes.
Seth: Okay, uh, you know— Mr. Cruise had it outfitted with a transmetro-pneumonic-transmitter device… tronic. It’s a sort of a homing device. Must be a Scientology thing. Mr. Cruise does it to all of his favorite props.
Big Dude 2: Let’s kill this guy, man.

Ryan: Hey, go deep.
Seth to himself: This never worked in PE.

The Rager

Seth: He doesn’t exactly seem overburdened with possessions. Unless that bag of his is like Mary Poppins’. {pause} I wish I’d never made that reference.

Seth: Listen, I love girls and I love comics. But the two do not mix okay? It’s gonna be like, “Let’s make their outfits cuter…”

Seth: Hey, you know this is actually our first conversation in the poolhouse since Marissa left.
Ryan: Let’s not talk about Marissa.
Seth: What? C’mon, we did me, let’s go around the horn.

Ryan: People who don’t learn from the past are doomed to repeat it. Well, I’ve learned.
Seth: Yeah, you’ve learned. But, you know, the great victory is gonna be what? Not seeing your brother anymore? Congratulations.

Seth: Would you relax. He’s probably just going to buy cigarettes. Or getting into that suspicious looking Camaro. With a guy that looks like Lou Reed.

Summer: Cohen learned how to use the grill this summer. It’s a major life achievement.
Seth: That’s right. I grilled some corn, I grilled some veggies…. I found something in Marissa’s fridge, I just, I grilled it.

Seth: It’s déja vu. OC party, attacked by a water polo guy, saved by an Atwood.

Zach: What are you doing telling her I’m gay?
Seth: Now I said “gay vibe.” I distinctly remember saying “gay vibe.” And the two are very different.

The O.C. Confidential

Seth: Okay, so then when the cops showed up and asked who’s responsible for the girl floating in the pool, he was like, what? “I’m an ex-con on parole. I know, I’ll say me.”
Ryan: No, I think that when the cops showed up and went to put the cuffs on Marissa he did what he had to do to stop them.
Seth: What makes you say that?
Ryan: I was about to do the same thing.
Seth: Sure. The compulsive need to rescue Marissa Cooper must be in the Atwood DNA.
Ryan: It would explain a lot.

Seth: Are you thinking of going undercover in a high school sting operation? Because that would be very 21 Jump Street of you.
Ryan: Whatever it takes.
Seth: Yeah, okay. I get to be Richard Grieco.

David: Also, we’re wondering about Cosmo Girl. Her magic flask. Could she get her power from like, oo, like a sport drink instead? The thing is Legal’s like worried about lawsuits from the parents of teen alcoholics. Um… oh, the Ironist. Boy, a little cerebral.
Seth: Is he being ironic?

Seth: Is Summer around? I need your help. I have a little quagmire to… un-quag.

The Return of the Nana

Seth: I don’t believe it, Ryan. Bright Eyes has two albums in the top ten.
Ryan: You okay with that?
Seth: Yeah I just feel like the rest of the world’s finally caught up to me. It’s a little bit scary.
Ryan: Yeah, it’s a lot scary.
Seth: Tell me I’m still special.

Seth to The Nana: Awkward family moment avoided for everyone but me.

Kirsten: What happened?
Seth: Is everything alright?
Sandy: The Nana. Headed for the altar.
Kirsten: She’s getting married?
Sandy: Pack your bags. We’re going to Miami.
Seth: Alright. Shuffleboard, Mah Jonng, dinner at 4. This is going to be the best Spring Break ever.

Ryan: What about you and Summer?
Seth: I’m going to go over there, I’m gonna apologize—extremely sincerely—then get out of town before I can do
anything else wrong.

As Summer wails on a punching bag
Seth: Hey, Summer! Busy?
Summer: What do you want?
Seth: To talk.
Summer: Yeah. Hold my bag.
Seth: Anything for my Million Dollar Baby.

Sandy: You know the Nana and her schedule. Friday night’s Mah Jongg.
Seth: What? Since when’s Friday night Mah Jongg? That totally throws off my schedule.

Seth: I can’t believe she beat me.
Ryan: I can. Can we eat now?
Seth: Absolutely not. I won’t go down like that. These people look up to me. I’m like a god to them.

Seth: So what kind of dancing are we talking about? A little Jazz Step, a little Soft Shoe?
Mary Sue: Actually, it’s not quite a dance contest.
Seth: It isn’t?
Mary Sue: No. pulls out whipped cream
Ryan: She’s got whipped cream, Seth.
Seth: Yeah, I know. Maybe she’s making a cake.
Mary Sue: See, I’m gonna cover myself with whipped cream, and you’re gonna lick it all off and eat a cherry out of my mouth before any of the other contestants.
Seth: Did she say cherry?
Mary Sue: If we win it would mean so much to my grandma. Not having to worry about my college loans. With all the money she spends on medication.
Seth: Yeah. It’s for Grandma. What does she have?
Ryan: Yeah, we’ll just hope Summer hasn’t paid her cable bill.

Seth: Who are those guys?
Ryan: Uh, they’re in the same Bible study class.
Seth: Oh. Think we could convince them to turn the other cheek?

The Showdown

Seth: All this time I thought you were a nice guy.
Zach: Wake up. I’m a water polo player. We’re never nice guys.

Ryan: Seth, please tell me you’re not using the Comic Book Club to spy on Summer and Zach.
Cut to Comic Book Club member spying on Summer and Zach.

The O.Sea

As Seth comes to visit Ryan in the early morning
Ryan: What time is it?
Seth: It’s 5:30… ish.
Ryan: You’re showing up earlier and earlier.
Seth: Yeah, well, we have a lot of ground to cover, so I figured, since we’re both up, we may as well get a jump on it.

Seth: Something occured to me. A new wrinkle.
Ryan: Prom?
Seth: Yeah. And I have to convince Summer to go with me. We as a couple, Ryan, must partake in the magical rite of passage known as prom.

Seth: Look, just because you saw Trey leaving Marissa’s does not mean they’re hooking up.
Ryan: Yeah? What does it mean?
Seth: Maybe he went over there to borrow something. Like a book. Or one of her News Boy caps.
Ryan: Yeah, or maybe they hooked up.
Seth: Okay, just married to the worst possible scenario.

Seth to Zach: Dude, I’m so sorry about the launch. I had a Bruce Banner moment.

Zach: She is totally hanging by a thread.
Seth: Yeah, okay. I’ll take one for the team. I’ll take her to prom.
Zach: No way! Why do you get to go?
Seth: Because, dude. I saw her first.
Zach: That doesn’t make sense.

Seth: Dude. The ladies are all over us. And not in a good way.

Seth: I understand you’re probably a little bit upset about the launch. Well. I think one day, pretty soon, we’re all gonna have a good laugh about this. Ha ha ha. I know that day feels far off, but comedy is just tragedy plus time.
Zach: Reed, we’re really sorry. We had a huge opportunity and we blew it. I hope we can make it up to you.
Reed: Thank you Zach.
Seth: I was going to say that.
Reed: Look, I hate to give you good news, but unfortunately, I have some. George Lucas is interested in Atomic County. He might want to make it into his next movie.
Seth: Oh my god!
Zach: This incredible!
Seth: Oh my god, it’s happened.
We’re like this decade’s Matt and Ben.

Seth: Maybe I’ve seen too many Saved by the Bells, but if it’s taught me anything, it sure has taught
me that prom is this seminal moment. Okay? It’s meant to be shared.
Ryan: Is this about you and Summer?
Seth: No. Maybe. I don’t— Yes, but only because Summer and I aren’t going to go to our prom because of some
stupid fight. So, you should really learn from the error of my ways. Please. Somebody really should.

Seth: So we ended up— well, we flipped a coin.
George Lucas: You flipped a coin?
Seth: Yeah. And you know, I know it sounds crazy, but at the time—

Seth rushing in to prom: Sorry I’m late. I was caught in traffic. realizing with dawning horror: I’m on stage.
Crowd Member: That’s not Zach Stevens!
Seth: No, I’m not.
Emcee Guy: I think you should step down. You’re not the prom king.
[…]
Crowd Member: But he’s a tool!

The Dearly Beloved

Ryan: How are you doing?
Seth: Well, I was depressed. Now I’m depressed and confused.
Ryan: A rehab center. Where’d you get this?
Seth: My dad’s office. I don’t think he’s trying to kick bagels.
Ryan: I don’t think it’s for your dad.

Seth: Princess Sparkle, you’re in my room.
Summer: Yeah. I figured Oats would pretty down and could use the companionship of someone sweet and pretty and with shinier hair. Who would just, you know, be there for him.
Seth: Well the Captain’s pretty lucky.
Summer: Yeah, well, if he gets fresh with her it’s straight to the glue factory. I knw you and your grandpa were close.
Seth: It’s actually my mom that I’m worried about.
Summer: Your mom?
Seth: Yeah. This morning I was in my dad’s office and I found, like, a brochure for rehab.
Summer: Oh my god. Has she been drinking a lot?
Seth: Well, I mean she is a WASP living in Orange County, so it’s all relative, right? I don’t know, she has a glass of wine at dinner, maybe two.
Summer: Maybe more than that?
Seth: That’s the thing, I’ve been so self-involved this past year I don’t even know. I have no idea. I’m sure it’s, you know, at least partially my fault. I know running away was really hard on her last summer.
Summer: Cohen, no offense, but you’re being self-involved again. I think this is bigger than you.

Seth: Okay, where’s Summer? Is she smoking the salmon herself?

Seth about the Bait Shop: Do I still even work here? I should find out for tax purposes.

Sandy: There’s a doctor coming here this afternoon. He’s going to help us stage an intervention.
Seth: What? Is this like an after-school special? Her dad died, she’s sad. She’s having a few drinks.
Sandy: This has been going on for a long time. The car accident she had—
Seth: Yeah?
Sandy: Did you know she’d been drinking?
Seth: No. I didn’t. Because you never told me! You never told me anything until right now and you expect me to help ship her off.
Sandy: We’re trying to help her.
Seth: Right. How do I know you didn’t cause her to drink? Something weird’s been going on between you two all year.
Sandy: I get that you’re upset. I’m upset too.
Seth: Okay, well if your way of showing that you’re upset is shipping her off so you don’t have to deal with her, that’s fine. I’m just not going to be a part of it.
Sandy
: You are a part of it, whether you want to be or not. You want to run away again? Get in your boat and sail
away? Your mother needs you. {Enter Ryan} Come on in Ryan, you should hear this.
Seth: Yeah, apparently mom’s a drunk and today’s the intervention. So plan your afternoon accordingly.

Kirsten: Are you going to be okay?
Seth: Yeah, I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about Dad. We’ll set up a stage in the living room. Give him a microphone and the
music to Starlight Express.
Ryan: I’ve got the takeout menus covered.
Seth: I’ll order. I’m good with the phone.
Ryan: We’ll be fine.
Kirsten: I love you both so much.

Seth: This whole floating in the pool thing is not really helping.
Ryan: Yeah, I hear you.
Seth: Neither is video games or the wisdom of Chuck Klosterman.
Ryan: You know, we should get out of the house. Hit up an old age home, some shuffleboard action.
Seth: I’m not really in the mood for old people.
Ryan: IMAX movie? Something with sharks?
Seth: Eh, I don’t really like sharks. {doorbell rings} The way things have been going, I bet that’s Oliver.

Seth: Before I tell you, you gotta promise you’re gonna stay calm. You’re not gonna go all old school Ryan Atwood.
Ryan: What is it?
Seth: It’s upsetting.
Ryan: Yeah, we covered that.
Seth: So. I know what happened with Trey and Marissa. What really happened.
Ryan: What do you mean?
I guess when we were away he sort of like, attacked her or something. Kind of forced himself on her. I mean nothing happened, she fought him off. But that’s why he got the cut on his head.
Ryan
: All year, I have tried to be a different person. I can’t do that anymore.
Seth: Wait, Ryan, what are you gonna do?
Ryan: I’m gonna settle this with Trey. Once and for all.

Marissa: Hey, what’s going on?
Seth: Well, we’re on our way to Trey’s, but you’re closer. Maybe you can stop him.
Marissa: What are you talking about?
Seth: Ryan knows.