The O.C. Other Characters (The O.C.)

Season 3


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The Aftermath

Deputy DA Chris Caldwell (Timothy Omundson): …Then you won’t mind if I record this deposition.
Seth: Sure record it. Release it on iTunes. I hope it’s a really big hit.
Sandy: Just answer the questions.

Caldwell: You went to Trey’s that night to kill your brother, didn’t you?

The Cops: We’re looking for Ryan Atwood.
Sandy: You’re a little late, I’m afraid.

Trey: I’m sorry Marissa. For everything. I just didn’t know how to make it right. And she offered me a way out.
Marissa: Who? Who did?
Trey: Your mom.
Marissa: Trey, if you want to make it right, there’s only one thing you can do.

The Shape of Things to Come


Coed 1: Air quality is so important.
Coed 2: I know! We breathe it.

Charlotte (Jeri Ryan): If she tried to be the perfect mother and the perfect wife…
Sandy: She may never come home.

Dean Jack Hess (Eric Mobius): You almost killed another kid. I don’t even hear a hint of remorse in your voice.
Marissa: Because I don’t have any. I’m proud of what I did and I’d do it again.


The End of Innocence


Don (Blake Robbins): You’re a good guy, Jimmy. I’m rootin’ for ya. But I gotta tell you this as clear as I can: This is it.

Charlotte: From what you’ve told me of your dad I’d be willing bet he’s planned a surprise for you. I just hope it’s a good one.

Summer: Blacks ops maneuvers commence at twenty-one hundred hours. Synchronize your watch.
Seth: This was my plan.
Summer: Fine. What do I do?
Seth: That twenty-one hundred thing sounded pretty cool. And then we’re going to synchronize our watches. We have to get watches.

Julie seeing Kirsten: God, maybe I should check myself into rehab.

Mr. Frankel: Caleb Nichol was a very generous man who loved his family very much.
Julie: Sandy gave a very nice eulogy at the funeral so let’s just skip the niceties, okay?
Mr. Frankel: Well Caleb’s wish was to split his fortune equally between his daughters and his wife.
Jimmy: Wow. That’s, that’s very generous.
Julie: I’m getting the same as Kirsten?
Mr. Frankel: As I said, that was Caleb’s intention.
Julie: And that’s all that matters, right?
Kirsten: What is it, Mr. Frankel?
Mr. Frankel: After careful scrutiny of his account, it’s become clear that Caleb Nichol was broke.


The Last Waltz

Marissa: Thanks. I really don’t know why she’s got it in for me.
Casey: My guess is the bag. And the shoes. And the Chanel necklace probably isn’t helping either, but it’s just a guess. Anyways, welcome to Newport Union. I’m Casey.
Marissa: Marissa. Cooper. You’re the first nice person I’ve actually met.
Casey: And I’m not even that nice.

Johnny: Either you’re the worst thief ever or it’s your first day.
Marissa: I can’t remember which locker is mine.
Johnny: Well it probably isn’t that one, because that one’s mine.

Johnny: Marissa. Don’t listen to her.
Marissa: Why? She’s right. That’s why I’m here, now everyone’s gonna know.
Johnny: Yeah well, everyone already kind of knew.


Partner: From the beginning I knew this plan was crap, okay? Spending thirty grand to go to rehab just to find a mark.
Charlotte: It made sense. Every woman there was vulnerable and rich.
Partner: Except the one you picked out!

Ryan: Seth what are you doing here?
Seth to Ryan: I’m here to stop you man. And if that means throwing myself between you and the gym, I only ask that you spare the face.

The Perfect Storm


Charlotte: Can I come in?
Julie: You really don’t want to. And no.


Dean Hess: I take it from the surreptitious nature of your phone call that you had something serious to discuss.
Sandy: Surreptitious. Good word. No wonder they made you a dean.


The Swells


Williams: Mr. Cohen, I’d like to assure you that I intend to keep Caleb Nichol’s legacy in place.
Sandy about the Martinson complex: So you’re not gonna knock ’em down and build another juice shop?
Williams: You have my word.

Taylor’s Mom: Are those your prisoners? They look like they want to be here just about as much as I do.

Taylor’s Mom: Taylor, untuck your shirt. Your ass is so not made for low riders.
Taylor: Got it.

Volchok: Hey Casey, hold up a second. I thought you were dating Harper.
Casey: I am.
Volchok: Doesn’t look like it.

Charlotte: Sounds like a wonderful cause.
Julie: So you’ll help us throw it?
Kirsten: Actually I told myself I’d wait awhile until I jump back into all that. You know those Newpsies. Make you want to drink.

Ryan: What’s that about?
Seth: I don’t know. Summer called. She said something about you getting to some guy’s house on Dune Row right away. Some emergency.
Ryan: Is it Marissa?
Seth: I don’t know. My cell phone was confiscated. Which I do believe is a violation of my civil liberties!

Chili: I don’t get it. Why don’t you like me?
Summer: I’m already dating a dork.
Chili: Hm.
Summer: Yeah.
Chili: That kind of gives me inspiration.

Volchok: You get my sponsorship, I got your girl. Seems fair to me.

Julie: There is not a lie in the world I haven’t heard or told so just give it to me straight, it’ll save us a lot of time.
Charlotte: I was never going to hurt you, Julie.
Julie: Right. You were just going to scam me into throwing a big charity and leave me to pick up the pieces so you could skip town.
Charlotte: Well what if you help me?
Julie: Are you drinking again?

Sandy: I haven’t had tequila in forever.
Matt: Then we should have the whole bottle. Game on, man.
Sandy: What? What’s next? A frat party at SC?
Matt: No, I just wanted to celebrate.
Sandy: Listen I expect you to take this job seriously. I’m not gonna be out drinking with you every night after work. Weekends maybe. And tonight. Game on, Matt.
Matt: Game on, boss.

The Anger Management

Ryan: I’m not looking for trouble.
Volchok: Maybe you should have thought about that before jumping in the other night.
Summer: What, like you didn’t start it by hooking up with someone’s girlfriend?
Seth: Good point. {Volchok’s friends look at him} Or that’s unnecessary to continuity. Either/or.


Marissa: I’m only telling you so you can be on the lookout, okay? ‘Cause this guy’s crazy.
Chili: Gotcha. I’ll be on Amber Alert.


Chili: I can’t believe you dragged me out of bed for this. This is the worst idea ever.
Marissa: There’s no other way.
Chili: Okay, but seriously, you don’t know Volchok. Last year some guy snaked his wave, so he went up on the pier and dropped a kitchen sink on him. Where do you even get a kitchen sink?

Veronica Townsend: I thought you said you’d have friends here tonight.
Taylor: They’re just not here yet.
Veronica: I don’t want another evening of you sitting alone in the corner reading The Economist. It’s embarrassing.

Taylor: I live in this dream world where I think that Summer is my friend and I think that you like me. And the truth is that I don’t have anybody. I mean, god, even the Grinch has that stupid little dog!
Seth: You think Summer’s your friend?
Taylor: Yes, I know, I’m crazy!

Julie on the microphone: Excuse me. Ah, excuse me. May I have your attention over here, please? I’m Julie Cooper-Nichol. It’s so great to see all your faces. And I just want to thank you so much for coming here. With your assistance we are going to be able to help a great many women in need. {applause} Thank you. However as you write your checks I would ask that you make them out to the National Foundation for Substance Abuse. As it so happens your generosity has somewhat overwhelmed our small organization and with the National Foundation’s network your money will go a lot further. And still be tax-deductible. So thank you, very much.
Kirsten: Did you know about this?
Charlotte: No, I— I’ll go talk to her. {grabs Julie} Julie, what the hell do you think you’re doing?
Julie: Oh. Could you not hear me? I always hold the mic too far away.
Charlotte: I wasn’t kidding about the police, Julie. Now you get back over there and you tell everyone it was a mistake.
Julie: Call them.
Charlotte: What?
Julie: Call the police. {no reaction} I thought so.
Charlotte: Oh, what? You think you’re back in society now so you don’t need the money? Wake up, Julie. These people are never going to accept you. You don’t have any friends here.
Julie: Wrong. I have Kirsten. And I won’t do this to her. Now, I think it’s time you left, don’t you? This town’s only really big enough for one manipulative bitch. Take care, sweetie.

Ryan: If you want to fight, you’re going to have to kill me. So what’s it gonna be? Come on!
Volchok: Alright! Alright. Let’s go, man. This guy’s crazy.


The Game Plan

Mrs. Rushfield: So we’ll deal with grades and boards later, but for now I just want to get a feel for what you want. Where you imagine yourself.
Seth: Ah, somewhere cold. Or brisk. I would settle for brisk.
Summer: I want 365 sun days. I don’t mean the day after Saturday.
Ryan: Ah…


3F: You live in the Balboa Estates and you drive your own U-Haul?
Julie: You know, just keepin’ it real. Gotta go. See you around. 3F.


Paul Glass: So anyway, it was Halloween. And I set Sandy up with a roommate of this girl I was dating.
Sandy: And I didn’t have a costume so when I went over to pick her up I put a bag over my head.
Kirsten: I felt like I was dating the Elephant Man.

Paul Glass: Alright, so what do you call a black guy that flies a plane?
Seth: Uh…
Paul Glass: A pilot, you freakin’ racist.

Gus: Hey, Julie!
Julie: I’ve got a gun, Gus.
Gus: That’s cool.


The Disconnect


Johnny: It’s not that I don’t like it. It’s that I do. A lot.
Summer: I called this like so long ago!

Matt: I do some of my best thinking here.
Ryan: I can see why. Loud music, topless women. No distractions at all.
Matt: Sometimes a good distraction is the best way to recharge.

Stripper Cop: Hi. I’m Sipowicz.
Ryan: Hi Sipowicz.

Matt: Thanks for not busting me.
Ryan: You gonna make me wish I did?


Kirsten: Do you and your guests want dinner in the dining room, or— oh, the terrace would be nice.
Jeff: Well, let me ask my guest. to Julie Dining room or terrace?
Julie: Excuse me?
Jeff: I haven’t invited anyone. I was hoping, Julie, that you might join me for dinner.
Kirsten: Mr. XYZ, if this is a joke it’s not funny. I spent two days cooking and Julie bought a Flower Mart.
Jeff: One dinner, please. I’ll pay what I promised. I just want the chance to get to know you better.
Kirsten: Julie, we’re leaving.
Julie: You did all this for a date with me?
Kirsten: Fine. But you’re serving yourselves.
Julie: Hungry?
Jeff: Nope.

Sandy: Wow. Matt must be some tipper.
Stripper (Morena Baccarin): Matt and I are friends. From college. Ryan and Sandy pause Yes, I went to college. I’m dancing to pay for law school.

The Chrismukkah Bar Mitzvahkkah


Summer: I remember when you told me the news. I think that was the worst day of my life.
Neil Roberts: I know. And you were already upset with me. ‘Cause I didn’t let you go to Luke Ward’s birthday party.
Summer: Really?
Neil Roberts: Yeah, you had already RSVPed to some other engagement.

Neil: The way my wife self-medicates she could be a pharmacist. Been miserable for years.
Julie: I live in a trailer park.


The Safe Harbor


Johnny: No matter what anyone says, it’s still going to be her choice.
Ryan: Just wanna make sure she feels free to make it. Slams door.

Dr. Kim: You might want to check the library for the transcripts of all the meetings. There might be a precedent. Say, Fall semester 1996.

Neil: Hey Julie. Happy New Year.
Julie: “Should auld acquaintance be forgot.”
Neil: Well I don’t think you’re in much danger of being old or forgot any time soon.

Neil: The girls should be home any minute. I think they were up most of the night last night working on the petition. They’re so hopeful.
Julie: And here we are about to ruin everything.
Neil: It’s really selfish of us if you think about it, isn’t it?
Julie: You know, I suppose I could wait a couple of days, see how things pan out.
Neil: It really is more of a weekend conversation, isn’t it?
Julie: You are so right.
Neil: You know, I could really go for a drink.
Julie: You read my mind.


Julie: You know, all things considered, I think I raised a pretty good kid.
Neil: I think we both did. You wanna—?
Julie: Drink?

Neil about the pork rinds: I’ll just take these and be outside trading stock tips with your friend, Gus.


The Sister Act

Kirsten: Veronica. What are you doing here?
Veronica: Hello, Kirsten. I hear you and Julie are starting a new dating service. I want you to set me up with the delicious Dr. Neil Roberts.
Kirsten: The father of Marissa’s best friend? The girl you called “Little Miss Columbine” at last week’s board meeting?

Sandy: Do you know Veronica Townsend?
Neil: Do I know Veronica Townsend? Sandy, I know every former A-cup in this town.


Kaitlin: Oh my god. We live in a trailer.
Julie: Well, yes. But not… live live. Um. We’re more like refugees. We’re only half a mile from the beach and, well… it’s Tiffany blue!

Kaitlin: Gus, I’m sorry. My mom said I can’t answer the door for you again. Even if you actually have candy.


Marissa: I’m sorry. But we were just trying to spare you.
Kaitlin: From what? From being a part of this family?

Marissa: Ryan! Oh, sorry.
Johnny: I walked into that.

The Pot Stirrer

Neil: I’m just happy that we’re finally meeting. After you postponed twice I thought maybe you changed your mind.
Julie: No. I just, kept thinking about the fact that our daughters are best friends, I’m a recent widow, you’re just out of a marriage.
Neil: So what finally tipped the scales?
Julie: I felt something.
Neil: Me too.
Julie: I’m so sorry. reaching for her wallet I really have to go—
Neil: No no. I’ve got this. Julie, how ’bout dinner on Sunday night? I know this terrible burger joint. Even the owner avoids it. We’ll be totally alone.
Julie: Sunday then.


The Cliff Hanger

Johnny: Look, Marissa and I have a history together, alright? It’s complicated.
Kaitlin: Uncomplicate it. Do something.

Neil looking through the New Match book: She’s pretty.
Julie: Pear-shaped. But pretty.
Neil: Oo. Look at her. Nice… smile.
Julie: Yeah. Adult braces.


Karen to an eavesdropping Julie: Why are you all bundled up like that? Has Newport been taken over by the Taliban?

Julie: Go away Gus. I told you, I don’t want to play strip pinochle.
Neil: You play strip pinochle?
Julie: Long story. What are you doing here?
Neil: I stopped by to thank you for fixing me up with Laura. She’s a wonderful woman.
Julie: Well good. I’m glad it worked out with the two of you. If you’ll excuse me I have a Hot Pocket in the microwave and a wine cooler with my name on it. So, good luck. tries to close the door and fails. What? What do you want?
Neil: You.
Julie: Excuse me?
Neil: You can be manipulative, you can be aggressive. I’ve known you to stretch the truth on occasion. But the fact is, when I’m not around you, I miss you.
Julie: You do?
Neil: What can I say? I’ve fallen for you.
Julie: Well this just may be your lucky night. I have an extra Hot Pocket.

Johnny: Dude, you are the last person I want to see right now.
Ryan: Okay, alright, let’s get you down from here. We can talk about it later, okay?
Johnny: Right, right. So you can save me one more time for Marissa.

The Heavy Lifting

Sadie: He said you might think it’s cheesy, but that’s what you were to him. An angel.

Sadie: It’s a funeral. People say sorry before they say hello.

Kaitlin: You’re like an adult.
Justin: My parents are therapists. They’re annoying, but pretty smart.

Kaitlin: Dude, I can totally see you.
Justin: Dude… right.

Sadie awkward: This isn’t awkward. This isn’t awkward at all.

Kaitlin: Are you going to try and act like this is a strange coincidence?
Justin: Not… anymore.

Neil: Julie, would you be my valentine?

Justin: Hey. Kaitlin. I think there’s something in your eye. What— it couldn’t be! Is that a tear?
Kaitlin: Shut up.

Volchok: You wouldn’t have called me if you didn’t want to see me.

The Road Warrior

Ryan: What’s this guy doing here?
Volchok: That’s funny, because I was just about to ask her the same thing about you.
Ryan: Yeah, well, you’ve always been kind of slow.
Volchok: But I’m quick at kicking your ass.
Ryan: Running away is more how I remember it.
Volchok: Ah, really? Well I’d love to jump back in the ring.
Sadie: You know what? Too much testosterone.

Sadie: Your bookie?
Ryan: No. It’s just Seth. I’ll call him in the morning.

Volchok: So if you’re going to be with her, does that mean your girlfriend’s all alone? no response. What goes around comes around.

Bail Bond Guy: I got authority to protect this property with lethal force. You know what that means?
Ryan: It means we’ll be out in the car.

Sadie: Stakeout look so much cooler in movies.
Ryan: Yeah, that’s because they cut right to the part where the guy shows up.

The Journey

Ryan: So tomorrow’s kinda my birthday, Seth’s throwing a party, and… it’s no big deal, but—
Sadie: Wow. I can hardly process that much enthusiasm.

Sadie: You do know this is a Foreigner song, right?
Ryan: Yeah.
Sadie: Okay.

The Undertow

Seth: Who knew my new PlayStation idol would be your new girlfr— new…
Sadie: Friend.
Seth: Friend… Girl friend.
Summer: Nice save.
Sadie: I think friend is the word.
Ryan: I’m gonna get that.
Sadie: Nice dodge.
Ryan: Thanks.

Ryan: What’s all that?
Sadie: A little halftime buffet. Pretzels, Ding Dongs, a jar of gfelte fish. I was trying to mix it up.
Seth: That’s always appreciated.

Sadie: You’re still into toy cars? You know I’m gonna choose to find that cute instead of creepy.
Ryan: It’s just something someone gave me.
Sadie: This wouldn’t by any chance have anything to do with that Hooters waitress that showed up at your door yesterday.


Jess: Here I am. Down a boyfriend. Up a stalker.


The Secrets and Lies


Summer banging outside the door: Coop! It’s me. Your best friend. You know, the one you tell everything to.
Volchok: Damn. My head.
Marissa: What time is it?
Summer: I know it’s tough being in there. My voice travels.
Marissa: Um. Okay, you’ve gotta hide.
Volchok: What? You live in a trailer.

Matt: You think thing’s have been complicated? You haven’t seen anything yet. Boss.

Julie: Vominos, por favor.
Housekeeper: I’m from the Phillipines.

Summer: You may be Mrs. Cooper-Nichol-Cooper-Roberts, but if you make my dad happy—
Neil: Which she does.
Julie: I do.
Summer: Then I’m happy.


Neil: Hey. You okay?
Julie: Please, I just— I can’t do this right now.
Neil: Do what?
Julie: Sit here and be tested as wife/mother material while I’m worried about my daughter’s future. I get it, okay? It’s not what you expected. I failed. Fine. But right now I need to think about Marissa.
Neil: Julie, I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like you were being tested. I— I was wrong. And you’ve hardly failed. I think Marissa is very lucky to have you as her mom.
Summer: Hey, guys. We’re going to the party.
Marissa: Bye Mom, bye Dr. Roberts.
Neil: See what I mean.


The Day After Tomorrow

Ryan: So with a 90-day escrow, that means you’ll be in town for…
Sadie: 90 more days, Einstein.
Ryan: Right. That makes sense.

Sadie: Hey do you think it’s gonna be weird that I’m not wearing a sweatshirt?
Ryan: No. You’ll be fine.

Matt: Look I like Sandy. But you gotta get him to quit this. Because pretty soon it’s gonna be too late.


Ryan: I feel more myself with you than anyone.
Sadie: Those are some pretty big words, Mister.
Ryan: Well I am going to Berkeley.

Neil: Hey. You okay?
Julie: Please, I just— I can’t do this right now.
Neil: Do what?
Julie: Sit here and be tested as wife/mother material while I’m worried about my daughter’s future. I get it, okay? It’s not what you expected. I failed. Fine. But right now I need to think about Marissa.
Neil: Julie, I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like you were being tested. I— I was wrong. And you’ve hardly failed. I think Marissa is very lucky to have you as her mom.
Summer: Hey, guys. We’re going to the party.
Marissa: Bye Mom, bye Dr. Roberts.
Neil: See what I mean.

The Dawn Patrol

Teacher: You do an impression of me, Mr. Cohen?
Seth: Ah. No, no, I don’t do any impressions. I don’t, um, use props, I don’t like jokes in general.
Teacher: Well, why don’t you work on some one-liners in Dr. Kim’s office.

Julie: Listen up, Tommy Lee. You’re just the latest in a series of experiments my daughter likes to make when acting out. So enjoy it. Because right here, right now is as good as it gets for you. Soon Marissa’s gonna wake up and realize she is so much better than you and your life.
Volchok: You think she’s gonna come running back to you.
Julie: Marissa knows that I will be there for her whenever she decides to come home because I am her family. Not some punk with a smirk, three brain cells, and a good coke connection. You tell her that.

Ryan: I’m looking for someone. Dawn Atwood.
Chloe: Her shift doesn’t start for a couple of hours. Who should I say is looking for her?
Ryan: A friend. I’m staying at La Crescenta.
Chloe: Nice hotel. Dawn doesn’t really have any friends that stay at nice hotels.
Ryan: I got a good rate.
Chloe: She does however have a son. Lives with some pretty wealthy people. Who’s supposed to be cute.

Ryan: This is not what I expected.
Chloe: Yeah? Well maybe it’s what you need.

Heather: So, the princess fell off her throne and landed on Volchok’s mattress.
Marissa: Hey Heather. It’s good to see you too.
Heather: Who said it was good to see you?

Dawn: You don’t have to lie to me, Ryan. And you don’t have to worry about me embarassing you at your graduation.
Ryan: Mom—
Dawn: You know what, I may not have been the best mother in the world, but I have never been ashamed of my family.

Ryan: Look, you don’t know her the way I do.
Chloe: Never said I did.
Ryan: It’s been the same thing my whole life. Gets clean for a little while, promises she’s changed, then she meets some low-life, he moves in with her, and she bottoms out.
Chloe: How many of these low-lives did she meet in rehab? Hasn’t had a drink in twelve years, pays for their apartment, even fixed up one of his old cars for her.
Ryan: I didn’t know that.
Chloe: Didn’t want to. Maybe you already made your mind up about him. And about your mom, too.

Dawn about the photos and yearbook: Kirsten sent those. Don’t worry. My eyes are red from cryin’, not from drinkin’.

Chloe: I’m sorry.
Ryan: It’s okay. Your little family intervention seems to have worked.
Chloe: Oh. Then I’m not sorry. For anything that may have happened.
Ryan: Me neither.

Seth to Captain Oats: You didn’t get into Brown too, did you?

Seth: I don’t love you anymore.

Taylor: Want me to whip up another round of Frappucinos? They say chocolate and sugar send endorphins to your brain. Come on, tell me you feel better.
Summer: He doesn’t love me. rests her head on Taylor’s shoulder. Aw!

Seth: Gonna be a long night, Ryan. A lot of whining, a lot of pining, ah, maybe some brainstorming, you don’t mind?
Ryan: It’s good to be home. Alright, how are we going to get your Summer back?
Seth: Plan A: I fake my own death. You never wanna underestimate the power of the sympathy vote.
Ryan: Is there a plan B?
Seth: Yeah yeah. Uh, I could hack in through the Brown firewall into the Admission’s office mainframe and reverse my acceptance.
Ryan: That’s actually a good idea. You know how to do that?
Seth: I had an uncle that went to DeVry.

The College Try

Summer: What am I thinking? Kids at Brown don’t wear sparkly scarves. Maybe on the way to the airport I’ll stop and get some angry-looking piercing.

Summer: 48 hours ago, Coop, you were Newport’s Courtney Love.

Seth: You taking all that? You only own like, a wifebeater and two hoodies.

Ryan: So, um, you’re going to fly to Brown…
Seth: And then I will somehow get them to admit me. Yeah. I don’t have the, ah, details, okay? But Brown’s a spiritual place. I’ll go, I’ll get a vibe, you know, bump into the ghost of Old Man Brown. Or whoever they named the school after.

Ryan: I just don’t want to see you get deeper into this mess, okay?
Seth: Dude, you’re going to Berkeley with your ex-girlfriend.

Ryan goes to hug Seth
Seth: We can save the hug for later.
Ryan: Yeah, okay.

Julie: Marissa, honey, you know it’s not too late to go with you. I promise I won’t embarrass you. I can pretend to be part of your entourage. Or your Scientology guide.
Marissa: Mom, you don’t have to worry, okay?
Julie: Kids go crazy at college. You’ve seen Girls Gone Wild.
Marissa: Yeah, I lived it. Not the topless part.

Julie: Okay, did a priest just break in here and perform an exorcism?
Neil: I don’t know, but she’s definitely out of the woods.

Neil: Honey, I don’t get it. You throw all of these parties with the dating service.
Julie: Well, I have Kirsten then. She’s my wing woman.
Neil: So invite Kirsten. And Sandy. He can network with the doctors and she can… wing woman.

Student: I saw in your profile that you’re from Newport. Did you go to Harbor?
Ryan: Uh, yeah. You know it?
Student: Yeah. A few guys in my poli-sci club went there. Do you play water polo?
Ryan: No. You know what, actually I’m not really from Newport. I mean, I am. But up until the last two years I was living in Chino. I guess I figured I would get that out of the way.
Student: I think you’ll be okay.
Ryan: What do you mean?
Student: I got one roommate from Bangladesh. The other’s from Partridge, Kansas. Population 300. There’s no mold here. It’s pretty easy to fit in.
Ryan: I’m not used to that.

Ryan: Hey Seth.
Seth: Hey man. How’s Berkeley?
Ryan: It’s cold and wet and pretty cool. I can’t believe I’m actually on a college campus.
Seth: Ryan, I am touching ivy right now.
Ryan: What?
Seth: Real ivy. It grows on the buildings here. Those pictures in the brochure, they are not Photoshopped.
Ryan: I take it you’re in the middle of the quad right now?
Seth: Yeah. Dead center.
Ryan: Pretty stealth. I can’t imagine anyone actually seeing you there.
Seth: I know, I know, it’s a Summer hot zone. I just had to come and visit campus for a few minutes.
Ryan: And it’s perfect?
Seth: Man, it’s better than perfect. Seth Cohen has come home to roost.
Off Screen: Cohen!
Ryan: Who’s that?
Seth: I don’t know. I’m too afraid to turn around.

Seth: C’mon. You miss Newport.
Anna: Uh uh.
Seth: The sun, surf, the surgery.
Anna: They have not perfected the chin implant in Pittsburgh. But I am optimistic.
Seth: Mocking Newport with Anna Stern. That is one of my favorite pasttimes.
Anna: Mine too.

Anna: Why are you acting like a fugitive?
Seth: No no. I’m just trying to stay under the radar. You never know who’s going to be at these sorts of things.
Anna: Well focus. Have you thought about what you’re going to say to him?
Seth: Probably just gonna riff. We’re both dudes. Even though he’s got a bow tie and probably like nine PhDs, underneath I’m sure we’re… pretty much the same.

Brown Guy: The fact is, the US has been performing their own jihads for decades. Just instead of Allah, the killing is done in the name of oil.
Brown Girl: Totally.
Summer: You guys, what is a jihad?
Brown Guy: Exactly.
Brown Girl: Way to reframe the question, Summer.
Summer: Hm.

Julie: Ever since Caleb died, the only way I’ve been able to navigate through these Newpsie-infested waters is with you by my side.

Marissa: So, I know the whole “friendship” thing didn’t really work out in Newport, but—
Ryan: That was Newport, you know. Everything feels different here. I’m willing to try.
Marissa: Hm. Well I don’t know. You know, ’cause if I was in your circle of friends I might accidentally let it slip that you used to do musicals.
Ryan: I have enough dirt on you to last the next four years. So bring it on.
Marissa: That might be true.

Summer: So you are going to Brown you just… didn’t want to go with me.
Anna running up: How’d it go?
Summer: Anna.
Anna: Summer.
Seth: You’re probably really confused right about now.
Summer: No. Not at all. All of this, everything you’ve done up until now, finally makes sense.

Anna: Seth, it’s okay.
Seth: I’m sorry. I should have told you I was on a Summer Mission.
Anna: Yeah, well I should have known it. But I can’t be mad at you when you’re this pathetic.
Seth: Thank you.

Anna: Here’s a list of tomorrow’s pre-frosh activities. Try and figure out which one Summer might go to.
Seth: I don’t know. She’s never been much of a joiner. Maybe the walking tour. She likes cardio.

Tour Guy: Kumar? Your name is Kumar?
Seth: Yes. Kumar Zimmerman. I’m half-Indian, I’m half-Jewish. I am a HinJew.

Seth: Summer, you can’t just ignore me forever.
Summer: Oh yes I can. Don’t you remember middle school? I was really good at ignoring you. Now I’m just getting back in shape.

Sandy: You told him?
Kirsten: I didn’t think Ryan would come home.
Sandy: Oh, you know Ryan better than that.
Kirsten: It just happened. You weren’t there. You had to take a business call.
Sandy: Oh, so you told Ryan about Theresa to punish me.

Anna: Cohen.
Seth: Yeah?
Anna: Confidence, remember?

Brown Prof: Mr. Cohen, I was under the impression that you were an admitted student. That’s why I came to meet you.
Seth: I know. Will you please just listen to me, and if you still don’t want to let me in at least I’ll know I tried.
Brown Prof: Okay. You have one minute.
Seth: Then I’m gonna have to sort of, ah, condense this. Maybe make it more of a bullet point thing. Uh, mm… Grades, 3.8. Ah, SATs, 2250. That’s not perfect but I would say it’s respectable. I was president of the Comic Book Club. I ws also a member of the chess team, although I was extremely low-profile.
Brown Prof: Ten seconds.
Seth: Okay. Here’s the part about how I belong on the East Coast. And there’s a little joke about the weather here to keep it light. It’s pretty funny. And ah… I guess that’s about it.
Brown Prof: That was compelling. But you misled me and you wasted my time. And I trust you will show yourself off campus.

Kirsten: I’d like to propose a toast. To Sandy Cohen. Who has told me countless times over the past year how important this hospital is to him.
Julie to Neil: Ouch.
Kirsten: You know, they say that when you grow up you marry your father. I thought I’d escaped that.

The Party Favor


Summer’s Voicemail: “Hey it’s Summer. Leave a message.”
Seth: Summer, hey. I just want to apologize for what happened in the girls bathroom today. I didn’t mean to follow you in. Or spook Mrs. Rushfield. I was just trying to explain that the idea of a romance between me and Anna is so insane that—
Anna: Hello Seth.
Seth: I gotta go.

Seth: Ah, there she is. Look at a true friend, Ryan. 2000 miles she flies.
Anna: In a middle seat.
Seth: All to make sure Summer and I go to the prom together. Tell me, would you do so much?
Ryan: Let’s not test it.
Anna: Well, guilt can be a powerful motivator.
Seth: I’d tell you again it’s not your fault except I want to hear this plan.


Summer: You know, just everyone, leave me alone.
Seth: She probably just needs a moist washcloth. Or maybe, like, a towelette.
Anna: Cohen.
Seth: What? What? Is there a no-towelette clause in your plan? ‘Cause right now I’m thinking that phase two kinda sucks. Does anyone have a towelette? Does anyone have a towelette?!?! We’ve gotta find a towelette!

Ryan to Volchok: Look, I don’t have a problem with you drinking, but if you screw this up for Marissa I’m gonna kick your ass.

Seth: I don’t think I can do this.
Anna: Seth, the plan is working. I mean, it was easy for her to doubt you when you were all begging to get back together with her. But now that she might have really lost you? She’s thinking, “Maybe I should have really believed him”
Seth: Really? Because it looks like she’s describing how she’d use my body for food and feed my bones to the sharks.

Marissa: Clearly I was wrong about you.
Volchok: Finally. You’re learning.

Ryan: So you like the new me?
Theresa: Well, you’re still not much of a dancer.
Ryan: What!?!? jazz hands You’re right. I’m not.

Volchok: You probably think I’m an idiot, huh? Screw things up with Marissa. Steal money when everyone’s gonna know I took it.
Ryan: I don’t think about you. But yes, you’re an idiot.

The Man of the Year

Theresa: I don’t know what the Korean word for “threesome” is, but I’m pretty sure it was used.


Ryan: How’re you doing?
Volchok: Seven stitches, a couple broken ribs… I’ll live.
Ryan: I’m glad. I didn’t mean to— Well, not that bad, anyway.
Volchok: It’s not like I didn’t ask for it.

Ryan: Whatever you’re into. Drugs, guns…
Volchok: That’s none of your business.
Ryan: I know. And I don’t want it to be.

Annoying Chick: Shut up.
Kaitlin: You shut up.
Marissa: Okay, both of you shut up.



Julie: Of course. We’ll be there. Bye, Kiks.
Neil: Hey, good news?
Julie: Yes! Sandy Cohen has just been named Newport’s Man of the Year. There’s a party for him tomorrow night at the yacht club.
Neil: Well, that oughta be interesting.

Neil: It feels like a conflict of interest. I may have to testify against the man. I’m sure they’ll understand.
Julie: Well I don’t. The Cohens are like family, Neil.
Neil: Well they’re about to become the black sheep.
Julie: Well I don’t know about you, but I support the people I care about. I don’t judge them. I’ll call a cab.

Annoying Chick: Daddy, you can’t do this to yourself everytime you get the ratings. to Marissa It’s my dad. The Valley, it’s his show. What do you expect when you beat the same love triangle into the ground for three years. to Marissa. Who are you?
Marissa: Oh, uh, I’m Marissa. Kaitlin’s sister.
Annoying Chick: Hey bitch, your sister’s here. Nice to meet you and all. back to dad. Dad, I thought I told you to stay off the messageboards.

Theresa: Look, I have a child now. And I can’t be with someone that’s like my brother or yours.
Ryan: I’m not like him.
Theresa: Maybe on your good days, you’re not. But right now my life isn’t built for the bad ones.

Volchok to Ryan: Neighbor? Yeah. Told you this was a good plan.

Annoying Chick: Oh my god, my phone just totally stepped on your moment

Seth: Fine. But I want my own table. And my applause for his speech will be so tepid.

Julie: You changed your mind.
Neil: No, you changed my mind. You’re a very passionate woman. And surprisingly principled.
Julie: I’d like to think so.
Neil: If you feel so strongly about family, how could I not want to be a part of yours?

Copper: Who are you, his lawyer?
Sandy: I’m his father.

The Graduates


Seth: This is it, dude. We never have to set foot in this stupid school or this stupid student lounge again.
Ryan: Nostalgic already, huh?
Seth: Never gonna have to see any of these shoe-peeing, shallow water polo-playing—
A guy knocks into Seth
Shallow Water Polo Player: Get outta my way, geek. What is that, a dress?
Seth: It’s a graduation gown. You’re wearing one too.
Shallow Water Polo Player to his friend: Queered and Weird are wearing a “gown”.

Dawn: Hey, Seth good to see you again.
Seth: Good to see you, too. It means a lot that you made it down. I was being sincere.
Dawn: Okay, so—
Ryan: And thanks again for the car.
Dawn: You bet.
Seth: Ryan got a car? Really? I’ve been waiting for years for a car. I’m supposed to be the spoiled one.

Dawn: Wow. It seems like forever since I’ve been here.
Kirsten: Let me take your bags.
Dawn: Of course maybe I was just too drunk to remember. Kidding. I’m doing good.
Kirsten: It seems that way.

Dawn: I’m gonna try and say goodbye without losin’ it.
Ryan: Well, why don’t we just not say goodbye? How about, uh, see you soon?
Dawn: See you soon.

Jason Spitz: Look, if you came to haggle me on the Ramirez plea, forget about it. I’m up to my ass in unhappy ADAs.
Sandy: No, I’m just passing through.
Jason Spitz: What, you’ve come to admire the wainscotting?
Sandy: This is my old office.
Jason Spitz: You’re Sandy Cohen?
Sandy: My reputation precedes me?
Jason Spitz: Well, self-righteous, arrogant and a little nutso?
Sandy: I see that it does.
Jason Spitz: Jason Spitz.
Sandy: Nice to meet you.
Jason Spitz: Nice to meet you. You’re a legend. Not to mention I heard about your post-victory karaoke bar performances.
Sandy: Defend the poor, sing the classics. I had a reputation and a routine.

Ryan: Again, I think the pearls would have looked good on you.
Volchok: Yeah, you’re a funny kid. Got the money?
Ryan: Yep. You can use it to start over.
Volchok: Thanks, Ranger Rick. But save your speech for the Boy Scouts.
Ryan: Ranger Rick. Ow, that hurts. Whatever, man. We’re done.

Neil: That’s really nice of her to come home to support her sister.
Julie clearly not trusting motives: Yeah. Really nice.