Sherlock Series 1

The Blind Banker

2010.08.01    

Al Weaver  Andrew Scott  Bertie Carvel  Paul Chequer  Sarah Lam  Zoe Telford

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Sherlock: You took your time.
Watson: Yeah I didn’t get the shopping.
Sherlock: What? Why not?
Watson: Because I had a row in the shop with a chip and PIN machine.
Sherlock: You had a row with a machine?
Watson: Sort of. It sat there and I shouted abuse.

Watson: Is that my computer?
Sherlock: Of course.
Watson: What?
Sherlock: Mine was in the bedroom.
Watson: What, and you couldn’t be bothered to get up. {realizing.} It’s password-protected.
Sherlock: In a manner of speaking.

Sebastian Wilkes (Bertie Carvel): Sir William’s office. Bank’s former chairman. Room’s been left here like a sort of memorial. Someone broke in late last night.
Watson: What did they steal?
Sebastian: Nothing. Just left a little message.

Sebastian: There’s a hole in our security. Find it and we’ll pay you. Five figures. This is an advance. Tell me how he got in, there’s a bigger one on its way.
Sherlock: I don’t need an incentive, Sebastian.
Watson: He’s ah… he’s kidding you. Obviously. Shall I look after that for him?

Watson: “Two trips around the world this month”. You didn’t ask his secretary. You said that just to irritate him. How did you know?
Sherlock: Did you see his watch?
Watson: His watch?
Sherlock: The time is right but the date was wrong. Said two days ago. Crossed the dateline twice but he didn’t alter it.

“Wintle”: Hello?
Sherlock: Hi. I live in the flat just below you. I don’t think we’ve met.
“Wintle”: No, well ah I’ve just moved in.
Sherlock: Actually I’ve just locked my keys in my flat.
“Wintle”: Do you want me to buzz you in?
Sherlock: Yeah. And can I use your balcony?
“Wintle”: What?

Sherlock: Those symbols at the bank—the graffiti—why were they put there?
Watson: Some sort of code?
Sherlock: Obviously. Why were they painted? If you want to communicate why not use email.
Watson: Well maybe he wasn’t answering.
Sherlock: Oh good, you follow.
Watson: Nope.

DI Dimmock (Paul Chequer): We’re obviously looking at a suicide.
Watson: That does seem the only explanation of all the facts.
Sherlock: Wrong. It’s one possible explanation of some of the facts. You’ve got a solution that you like but you’re choosing to ignore anything that doesn’t comply with it.
DI Dimmock: Like?
Sherlock: The wound’s on the right side of his head.
DI Dimmock: And?
Sherlock: Van Coon was left-handed. {demonstrating} Requires quite a bit of contortion.
DI Dimmock: Left-handed?
Sherlock: I’m amazed you didn’t notice. All you have to do is look around this flat. Coffee table on the left-hand side. Coffee mug handle pointing to the left. Power sockets, habitually used the one’s on the left. Pen and paper on the left hand side of the phone because he picked it up with his right and took down messages with his left. Do you want me to go on?
Watson: No I think you’ve covered it.
Sherlock: Oh I might as well I’m almost at the the bottom of the list. There’s a knife on the bread board with butter on the right side of the blade because he used it with his left. It’s highly unlikely that a left-handed man would shoot himself in the right side of his head. Conclusion: someone broke in here and murdered him. Only explanation of all the facts.
DI Dimmock: But the gun. I—
Sherlock: He was waiting for the killer. He’d been threatened.

Sherlock: It was a threat. That’s what the graffiti meant.
Sebastian: I’m kind of in a meeting. Can you make an appointment with my secretary.
Sherlock: I don’t think this can wait, sorry Sebastian. One of your traders—someone who works in your office—was killed.
Sebastian: What?
Watson: Van Coon. The police are at his flat.
Sebastian: Killed?
Sherlock: Sorry to interfere with everybody’s digestion. Still want to make an appointment? Would maybe nine o’clock at Scotland Yard suit?

Sebastian: That was my chairman. The police have been onto him. Apparently they’re telling him it was a suicide.
Sherlock: Well they’ve got it wrong, Sebastian. He was murdered.
Sebastian: Well. I’m afraid they don’t see it like that. And neither does my boss. I hired you to do a job. Don’t get sidetracked.
Watson: I thought bankers were all supposed to be heartless bastards.

Sarah (Zoe Telford): You’re, um, well you’re a bit over-qualified.
Watson: I could always do with the money.
Sarah: Well we’ve got two on holiday this week and one’s just left to have a baby. Might be a bit mundane for you.
Watson: Ah no, mundane is good sometimes. Mundane works.
Sarah: It says here you’re a soldier.
Watson: And a doctor.
Sarah: Anything else you can do?
Watson: Learned the clarinet at school.
Sarah: Oh! I, I look forward to it.

Sherlock: I said, could you pass me a pen.
Watson: What? When?
Sherlock: About an hour ago.
Watson: Didn’t notice I’d gone out then. I went to see about a job at that surgery.
Sherlock: How was it?
Watson: Great. She’s great.
Sherlock: Who?
Watson: The job.
Sherlock: “She.”
Watson: “It.”

Watson: Why did they die, Sherlock?
Sherlock: Only the cipher can tell us.

Sherlock: The world’s run on codes and ciphers, John. From the million pound security system at the bank to the PIN machine you took exception to. Cryptography inhabits our every waking moment.
Watson: Yes, okay. But—
Sherlock: But it’s all computer generated. Electronic codes, electronic ciphering methods. This is different. It’s an ancient device. Modern code-breaking methods won’t unravel it.
Watson: Where are we headed?
Sherlock: I need to ask some advice.
Watson: What? Sorry?
Sherlock: You heard me perfectly, I’m not saying it again.
Watson: You need advice.
Sherlock: On painting, yes. I need to talk to an expert.

Community Officer: What the hell do you think you’re doing? This gallery is a listed public building.
Watson: Wait, wait. It’s not me who painted that. I was just holding this for…
Community Officer: Bit of an enthusiast, are we?

Sherlock: You’ve been a while.
Watson: Yeah well you know how it is. Custody sergeants don’t really like to be hurried, do they? Just formalities. Fingerprints. Charge sheet. And I’ve got to be in magistrate’s court on Tuesday.
Sherlock: What?
Watson: Me, Sherlock. In court. On Tuesday. They’re giving me an ASBO.
Sherlock: Good. Fine.
Watson: You wanna tell your little pal he’s welcome to go and own up anytime.

DI Dimmock: Your friend—
Watson: Listen, whatever you say I’m behind you 100%.
DI Dimmock: He’s an arrogant sod.
Watson: Well that was mild. People say a lot worse than that.

Watson: Two men back from China. Both head straight for the Lucky Cat Emporium. What did they see?
Sherlock: It’s not what they saw. It’s what they both brought back in those suitcases.
Watson: You don’t think duty-free.
Sherlock: Think about what Sebastian told us, about Van Coon, about how he stayed afloat in the market.
Watson: “Lost five million.”
Sherlock: Made it back in a week. That’s how he made such easy money.
Watson: He was a smuggler.
Sherlock: Guy like him, it would have been perfect. Businessman, making frequent tripping to Asia. Lukis was the same, a journalist writing about China. Both of them smuggled stuff out and the lucky Cat was their drop off.
Watson: So why did they die? I mean it doesn’t make sense. If they both turn up at the shop and deliver the goods, why would someone threaten them—and kill them—after the event, after they had finished the job?
Sherlock: What if one of them was like Faggin?
Watson: How d’you mean?
Sherlock: Stole something. Something from the horde.
Watson: And the killer doesn’t know which one of them took it so he threatens them both. Right.

Sherlock: Someone else has been here. Somebody else broke into the flat and knocked over the vase. Just like I did.
Watson ringing the bell: Think maybe you can let me in this time? Can you not keep doing this please.
Sherlock: I’m not the first.
Watson: What?
Sherlock: Somebody’s been in here before me.
Watson: What are you saying?
Sherlock: Size 8 feet. Small but… athletic.
Watson: I’m wasting my breath.
Holmes examining a palm print: Small strong hands. Our acrobat. Why didn’t he close the window when he left? Oh, stupid. Stupid! Obvious. He’s still here.

Watson: Anytime you want to include me… “No, I’m Sherlock Holmes. I always work alone because no one else can compete with my massive intellect!”

Sherlock: The milk’s gone funny and the washing’s starting to smell. Somebody left here in a hurry three days ago.
Watson: “Somebody”?
Sherlock: Soo Lin Yao. We have to find her.
Watson: How exactly?
Sherlock: We could start with this.
Watson: You’ve gone all [barky]. Are you getting a cold?
Sherlock: I’m fine.

Sherlock: You want to hide a tree in a forest this is the best place to do it, wouldn’t you say? People will just walk straight past, unknowing. Unable to spot the message.

Watson: It’s been painted over. I don’t understand. It was… here. Ten minutes ago. I saw it. A whole lot of graffiti.
Sherlock: Somebody doesn’t want me to see it. {he grabs Watson’s head}
Watson: Sherlock, what are you—
Sherlock: Shh! John, concentrate! I need you to concentrate. Close your eyes.
Watson: What? Why? Why? What are you doing?
Sherlock: I need you to maximize your visual memory. Try to picture what you saw. Can you picture it?
Watson: Yeah.
Sherlock: Can you remember it?
Watson: Yes. Definitely.
Sherlock: Can you remember the pattern?
Watson: Yes!
Sherlock: How much can you remember it?
Watson: Well don’t worry.
Sherlock: Because the average human memory on visual matters is only 62 percent accurate.
Watson: Yeah well don’t worry, I remember all of it.
Sherlock: Really?
Watson: Yeah well at least I would if I can get to my pockets. I took a photograph.

Sherlock: Tell me more about those teapots.
Andy Galbraith (Al Weaver): The pots were her obsession. They need urgent work. If they dry out then the clay can start to crumble. Apparently you have to just keep making tea in them.
Sherlock: Yesterday only one of those pots was shining. Now there are two.

Sherlock: Careful! Some of those skulls are over two hundred thousand years old. Have a bit of respect! {the gunfire stops}. Thank you.

Watson: How many murders is it going to take before you start believing that this maniac is out there? A young girl was gunned down tonight. That’s three victims in three days. You’re supposed to be finding him.
Sherlock: Brian Lukis and Eddie van Coon were working for a gang of international smugglers. A gang called The Black Lotus. Operating here in London right under your nose.
DI Dimmock: Can you prove that?

Sherlock: What are you thinking, pork or the pasta?
Molly: Oh, it’s you!
Sherlock: I suppose [it’s never going to trouble] Egon Ronay, is it? I’d stick with the pasta. Wouldn’t be doing roast pork. Not if you’re slicing up cadavers.
Molly: What are you having?
Sherlock: Don’t eat when I’m working. Digesting slows me down.
Molly: So you’re working here tonight.
Sherlock: I need to examine some bodies.
Molly: Some?
Sherlock: Eddie Van Coon and Brian Lukis.
Molly: They’re on my list.
Sherlock: Could you wheel them out again for me?
Molly: Well… their paperwork’s already gone through.
Sherlock: You changed your hair.
Molly: What?
Sherlock: The style—it usually parted in the middle.
Molly: Yes, well…
Sherlock: No it’s good. It suits you better this way.

Sherlock: We’re just interested in the feet.
Molly: The feet?
Sherlock: Yes. Do you mind if we have a look at them?

Sherlock: It’s not just a criminal organization. It’s a cult. The brother was corrupted by one of its leaders.
Watson: Soo Lin said the name.
Sherlock: Yes, Shan.. General Shan.
Watson: We’re still no closer to finding them.
Sherlock: Wrong. We’ve got almost all we need to know. She gave us most of the missing pieces. Why did he need to visit his sister? Why did he need her expertise?
Watson: Because she worked at the museum.
Sherlock: Exactly.
Watson: An expert in antiquities.

Mrs. Hudson: Yoo hoo. Sorry. Are we collecting for charity, Sherlock?
Sherlock: What?
Mrs. Hudson: A young man’s outside with crates of books.

Sherlock: So the numbers are references.
Watson: To books.
Sherlock: To specific pages. And specific words on those pages.
Watson: Right, so 15 and one, that means…
Sherlock: Turn to page 15 and it’s the first word you read.
Watson: Right. So what’s the message?
Sherlock: Depends on the book. That’s the cunning of the book code.

Watson: Looks like I’m done. I thought I had some more to see.
Sarah: Oh I did one or two of yours.
Watson: One or two?
Sarah: Well maybe five or six.
Watson: I’m sorry. That’s not very professional.
Sarah: No. No, not really.
Watson: I had a bit of a late one.
Sarah: Oh. Right.
Watson: Anyway, see ya.
Sarah: So— what were you doing to keep you up so late?
Watson: I was attending a sort of book event.
Sarah: Oh, she likes books does she, your girlfriend.
Watson: No, it wasn’t a date.
Sarah: Good. I mean um…
Watson: And I don’t have one tonight.

Sherlock: I need to get some air. We’re going out tonight.
Watson: Actually I’ve got a date.
Sherlock: What?
Watson: It’s where two people who like each other go out and have fun.
Sherlock: That’s what I was suggesting.
Watson: No it wasn’t. At least I hope not.

Sarah: It’s years since anyone took me to the circus.
Watson: Right. Yes. Well it’s a friend, recommended it to me. He phoned up.
Sarah: Oh. What are they, a touring company or something?
Watson: I don’t know much about it.
Sarah: I think they’re probably from China.
Watson: Yes, I’m thinking so. Yes. There’s a coincidence.

Sherlock: Exit Visas are scarce in China. They need a pretty good reason to get out of that country. Now all I need to do is have a quick look around the place.
Watson: Fine. You do that I’m going to take Sarah for a pint.
Sherlock: I need your help!
Watson: I do have a couple of other things on my mind this evening.
Sherlock: Like what?
Watson: You are kidding.
Sherlock: What’s so important?
Watson: Sherlock, I am right in the middle of a date. You want to chase some killer while I’m trying—
Sherlock: What?
Watson: While I’m trying to get off with Sarah! Heyyy… Ready?

Sarah: So this is what you do—you and John. You solve puzzles for a living.
Sherlock: Consulting detective.
Sarah: Oh.

Sarah: What are these squiggles?
Sherlock: They’re numbers. An ancient Chinese dialect.
Sarah: Oh right. Yeah well, of course I should have known that.

Sarah: So these numbers, it’s a cipher.
Sherlock: Exactly.
Sarah: And each pair of numbers is a word.
Sherlock: How did you know that?
Sarah: Well two words have already been translated. Here.
Sherlock: John, look at this. Soo Lin at the museum. She started to translate the code for us, we didn’t see it.

General Shan (Sarah Lam): A book is like a magic garden carried in your pocket. Chinese proverb, Mr. Holmes.
Watson: I’m not Sherlock Holmes.
General Shan: Forgive me if I do not take your word for it.

General Shan: Three times we tried to kill you and your companion, Mr. Holmes. What does it tell you when an assassin cannot shoot straight? It tells you that they’re not really trying.

General Shan: If we wanted to kill you, Mr. Holmes we would have done it by now. We just wanted to make you inquisitive. Do you have it?
Watson: Do I have what?
General Shan: The treasure.
Watson: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
General Shan: I would prefer to make certain. Everything in the West has its price. And the price for her life, information.

General Shan: Where’s the hairpin?
Watson: What?
General Shan: The Empress pin. Valued at nine million sterling. We already had a buyer in the West. And then one of our people was greedy. He took it, brought it back to London. And you, Mr. Holmes, have been searching.
Watson: Please, please. Listen to me. I’m not Sherlock Holmes. You have to believe me. I haven’t found whatever it is you’re looking for.

General Shan: Ladies and gentleman, from the distant, moonlit shores of NW1, we present for your pleasure Sherlock Holmes’ pretty companion in a death-defying act.
Watson: Please!
General Shan: You’ve seen the act before. How dull for you. You know how it ends.
Watson: I’m not Sherlock Holmes!
General Shan: I don’t believe you.
Sherlock: You should, you know. Sherlock Holmes is nothing at all like him. How would you describe me, John? Resourceful, dynamic? Enigmatic?
Watson: Late.

Watson: Don’t worry. Next date won’t be like this.

Sherlock: I have high hopes for you Inspector. A glittering career.
DI Dimmock: I go where you point me.
Sherlock: Exactly.

Watson: “Nine million for jade pin Dragon Den black tramway.”
Sherlock: An instruction to all their London operatives. A message. What they were trying to reclaim.
Watson: A jade pin.
Sherlock: Worth nine million pounds. Bring it to tramway, their London hideout.
Watson: But hang on, a hair pin worth nine million pounds.
Sherlock: Apparently.
Watson: Why so much?
Sherlock: Depends who owned it.

Amanda: Amanda.
Sherlock: He brought you a present.
Amanda: Oh. Hello.
Sherlock: A little gift when he came back from China.
Amanda: How do you know that?
Sherlock: You weren’t just his PA, were you?
Amanda: Someone’s been gossiping.
Sherlock: No.
Amanda: Then I don’t understand why—
Sherlock: Scented hand soap in his apartment. Three hundred milliliters of it. Bottle almost finished.
Amanda: Sorry—
Sherlock: I don’t think Eddie Van Coon was the type of chap to buy himself hand soap. Not unless he had a lady coming over. And it’s the same brand as that hand creme there on your desk.
Amanda: Look, it wasn’t serious between us. It was over in a flash. It couldn’t last. He was my boss.
Sherlock: What happened? Why did you end it?
Amanda: I thought he didn’t appreciate me. Took me for granted. Stood me up once too often. We’d plan to go away for the weekend and then he’d just leave. Fly off to China at a moment’s notice.
Sherlock: He brought you a present from abroad to say sorry. Can I just have a look at it?

Sebastian: He really climbed up onto the balcony?
Watson: Nail a plank across the window and all your problems are over.

Amanda: He said he bought it in a street market.
Sherlock: Oh I don’t think that’s true. I think he pinched it.
Amanda: Yeah, that’s Eddie.
Sherlock: Didn’t know its value. Just thought it would suit you.
Amanda: Oh? What’s it worth?
Sherlock: Nine million pounds.
Amanda: Oh my god! Oh my god! Nine million!

Watson: Over a thousand years old and it’s sitting on her bedside table every night.
Sherlock: He didn’t know its value, didn’t know why they were chasing him.
Watson: Should have just got her a lucky cat.

General Shan: Without you—without your assistance—we would not have found passage into London. You have my thanks.
M: Gratitude is meaningless. It is only the expectation of further favours.
General Shan: We did not anticipate. We did not know this man would come. This Sherlock Holmes. And now your safety is compromised.
M: They cannot trace this back to me.
General Shan: I will not reveal your identity.
M: I am certain.