Sherlock Series 1

A Study in Pink


David Nellist  Jonathan Aris  Lisa McAllister  Mark Gatiss  Phil Davis  Rupert Graves  Una Stubbs  Vinette Robinson

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A Study in Pink

Therapist: How’s your blog going?
Dr. John H. Watson (Martin Freeman): Yeah good. Very good.
Therapist: You haven’t written a word, have you?
Watson: You just wrote “Still has trust issues”.
Therapist: And you read my writing upside down. You see what I mean? John, you’re a soldier. It’s gonna take you a while to adjust to civilian life. And writing a blog about everything that happens to you will honestly help you.
Watson: Nothing happens to me.

At the press conference
Sgt Sally Donovan (Vinette Robinson): The body of Beth Davenport, Junior Minister for Transport, was found late last night in a building site in Greater London. Preliminary investigation suggests that this was suicide. We can confirm that this apparent suicide closely resembles those of Sir Jeffrey Patterson and James Fillmore. In the light of this these incidents are now being treated as linked. The investigation is ongoing but Detective Inspector Lestrade will take questions now.
Reporter1: Detective Inspector, how can suicides be linked?
Detective Inspector Lestrade (Rupert Graves): Well they all took the same poison. They were all found in places they had no reason to be. None of them had shown any prior indications—
Reporter1: But you can’t have serial suicides.
DI Lestrade: Well apparently you can.
Reporter2: These three people, there’s nothing that links them?
DI Lestrade: There’s no link found yet. But we’re looking for it—there has to be one. Everyone’s cellphones go off
Sgt Sally Donovan: If you’ve all got texts, please ignore them.
Reporter1: It just says “Wrong!”
Sgt Sally Donovan: Yeah, well, just ignore that. If there are no more questions for Detective Inspector Lestrade I’m going to bring this session to an end.
Reporter2: If they’re suicides what are you investigating?
DI Lestrade: As I said these suicides are clearly linked, um, but it’s an unusual situation. We’ve got our best people investigating— {cellphones go off again}
Reporter1: It says “wrong” again.
Sgt Sally Donovan: One more question.
Reporter3: Is there any chance that these are murders and if they are is this the work of a serial killer?
DI Lestrade: I know that you’d like writing about this but these do appear to be suicides. We know the difference. The poison was clearly self-administered.
Reporter1: Yes but if they are murders how do people keep themselves safe?
DI Lestrade: Well don’t commit suicide.
Sgt Sally Donovan quietly: Daily Mail.
DI Lestrade: Obviously this is a frightening time for people but all anyone has to do is exercise reasonable precautions. We are all as safe as we want to be. (Texts again. And for DI Lestrade: You know where to find me. SH). Thank you.

Donovan about the texts: You’ve got to stop him doing that. He’s making us look like idiots.
Lestrade: If you can tell me how he does it I’ll stop him.

Mike Stamford (David Nellist): I heard you were abroad somewhere getting shot at. What happened?
Watson: Got shot.

Watson: Are you still at Bart’s then?
Stamford: Teaching now, yeah. Bright young things like we used to be. God I hate them. What about you, just staying in town while you get yourself sorted?
Watson: I can’t afford London on an army pension.
Stamford: Ah, you couldn’t bear to be anywhere else. That’s not the John Watson I know.
Watson: Yeah I’m not that John Watson.
Stamford: Couldn’t Harry help?
Watson: Yeah, like that’s gonna happen.
Stamford: I don’t know. You could get a flat share or something.
Watson: C’mon. Who’d want me for a flatmate. Stamford looks at him oddly. What?
Stamford: Well you’re the second person to say that to me today.
Watson: Who’s the first?

Molly Hooper: Listen, I was wondering… maybe later, when you’re finished—
Sherlock Holmes (Benedict Cumberbatch): You’re wearing lipstick. You weren’t wearing lipstick before.
Molly Hooper: I uh, I refreshed it a bit.
Sherlock: Sorry, you were saying?
Molly Hooper: I was wondering if you’d like to have coffee.
Sherlock: Black. Two sugars please. I’ll be upstairs. he exits
Molly Hooper to herself: Okay.

Holmes: Afghanistan or Iraq?
Watson: Sorry?
Sherlock Holmes: Which was it, Afghanistan or Iraq?
Watson: Afghanistan. Sorry, how did you—
Sherlock Holmes: Ah, Molly! Coffee. Thank you. What happened to the lipstick?
Molly: It wasn’t working for me.
Sherlock Holmes: Really? I thought it was a big improvement. Your mouth’s too small now.
Molly to herself: Okay.

Sherlock: How do you feel about the violin?
Watson: I’m sorry, what?
Sherlock: I play the violin when I’m thinking. Sometimes I don’t talk for days on end. would that bother you? Potential flatmates should know the worst about each other.
Watson: Are you—? You told him about me?
Stamford: Not a word.
Watson: Then who said anything about flatmates?
Sherlock: I did. Told Mike this morning that I must be a difficult man to find a flatmate for. Now here he is, just out to lunch with an old friend. Clearly just home from military service in Afghanistan. Wasn’t a difficult leap.
Watson: How did you know about Afghanistan?
Sherlock: I’ve got my eye on a nice little place in Central London. Together we ought to be able to afford it. We meet there tomorrow evening, seven o’clock. Sorry, got to dash. I think I left my riding crop in the mortuary.
Watson: Is that it?
Sherlock: Is that what?
Watson: We’ve only just met and we’re going to go look at a flat.
Sherlock: Problem?
Watson: We don’t know a thing about each other. I don’t know where we’re meeting. I don’t even know your name.
Sherlock: I know you’re an army doctor and you’ve been invalided home from Afghanistan. I know you’ve got a brother who’s worried about you, but you won’t go to him for help because you don’t approve of him—possibly because he’s an alcoholic, more likely because he recently walked out on his wife. And I know that your therapist thinks your limp’s psychosomatic, quite correctly I’m afraid. That’s enough to be going on with, don’t you think? {he exits and pops back in.} The name’s Sherlock Holmes and the address is 221b Baker Street. Afternoon.
Stamford: Yeah. He’s always like that.

Watson: Well this is a prime spot. Must be expensive.
Sherlock: Mrs. Hudson the landlady is giving me a special deal. She owes me a favor. A few years back her husband got himself sentenced to death in Florida. I was able to help her out.
Watson: So you stopped her husband from being executed?
Sherlock: Oh no. I ensured it.

Watson: That’s a skull.
Sherlock: Friend of mine.

Mrs. Hudson (Una Stubbs): What d’you think then, Dr. Watson? There’s another bedroom upstairs if you’ll be needing two bedrooms.
Watson: Of course we’ll be needing two.
Mrs. Hudson: Oh don’t worry, there’s all sorts around here. Mrs. Turner next door’s got married ones.

Sherlock: Brilliant! Yes! Four serial suicides and now a note. Oh, it’s Christmas.

Sherlock: You’re a doctor. In fact you’re an army doctor.
Watson: Yes.
Sherlock: Any good?
Watson: Very good.
Sherlock: Seen a lot of injuries then. Violent deaths.
Watson: Well. Yes.
Sherlock: Bit of trouble too I bet.
Watson: Of course. Yes. Enough for a lifetime. Far too much.
Sherlock: Wanna see some more?
Watson: Oh god yes.

Sherlock: Possible suicides. Four of them. There’s no point sitting at home when there’s finally something fun going on!
Mrs. Hudson: Look at you, all happy. It’s not decent.
Sherlock: Who cares about decent. The game, Mrs. Hudson, is on!

Watson: Who are you? What do you do?
Sherlock: What do you think?
Watson: I’d say private detective…
Sherlock: But?
Watson: But the police don’t go to private detectives.
Sherlock: I’m a consulting detective. Only one in the world. I invented the job.
Watson: What does that mean?
Sherlock: It means when the police are out of their depth, which is always, they consult me.
Watson: The police don’t consult amateurs.

Watson: You said I’ve got a therapist.
Sherlock: You’ve got a psychosomatic limp. Of course you’ve got a therapist.

Watson about Sherlock’s deductions: That. Was amazing.
Sherlock: You think so?
Watson: Of course it was. Extraordinary. It was quite extraordinary.
Sherlock: That’s not what people normally say.
Watson: What do people normally say?
Sherlock: “Piss off”.

Sherlock: Did I get anything wrong?
Watson: Harry and me don’t get on. Never have. Clara and Harry split up three months ago, and they’re getting a divorce. And Harry is a drinker.
Holmes quite pleased with himself: Spot on then. I didn’t expect to be right about everything.
Watson: “Harry” is short for Harriet.

Sherlock: Is your wife away for long?
Philip Anderson (Jonathan Aris): Oh don’t pretend you worked that out. Somebody told you that.
Sherlock: Your deodorant told me that.
Anderson: My deodorant.
Sherlock: It’s for men.
Anderson: Well of course it’s for men. I’m wearing it.
Sherlock: So’s Sergeant Donovan. {Anderson turns to look at Sally} Oof. I think it just vaporized.

Sherlock: Shut up.
Lestrade: I didn’t say anything.
Sherlock: You were thinking. It’s annoying.

Lestrade: I’m breaking every rule letting you in here.
Sherlock: Yes. Because you need me.
Lestrade: Yes I do. God help me.

Watson: What am I doing here?
Sherlock: Helping me make a point.
Watson: I’m supposed to be helping you pay the rent.
Sherlock: Yeah well this is more fun.
Watson: Fun? There’s a woman lying dead.
Sherlock: Perfectly sound analysis but I was hoping you’d go deeper.

Watson: That’s fantastic!
Sherlock: Do you know you do that out loud?
Watson: Sorry, I’ll shut up.
Sherlock: No it’s… fine.

Sherlock: We’ve got ourselves a serial killer. Love those—there’s always something to look forward to.
Lestrade: Why are you saying that?
Sherlock: Her case. C’mon! Where is her case, did she eat it? Someone else was here and they took her case.

Donovan: You’re not his friend. He doesn’t have friends. So who are you?
Watson: I’m… I’m nobody. I’ve just met him.
Donovan: Okay, bit of advice then. Stay away from that guy.
Watson: Why?
Donovan: You know why he’s here? He’s not paid or anything. He likes it. He gets off on it. The weirder the crime the more he gets off. And you know what? One day just showing up won’t be enough. One day we’ll be standing around a body and Sherlock Holmes will be the one who put it there.
Watson: Why would he do that?
Donovan: ‘Cause he’s a psychopath. Psychopaths get bored.

Watson: You know, I’ve got a phone. I mean, very clever and all that. But, ah, you could just phone me. On my phone.
Mysterious Gentleman (Mark Gatiss): When one is avoiding the attention of Sherlock Holmes one learns to be discreet. Hence this place. Your leg must be hurting you. Sit down.
Watson: I don’t want to sit down.
Mysterious Gentleman: You don’t seem very afraid.
Watson: You don’t seem very frightening.
Mysterious Gentleman: Yes. The bravery of the soldier. Bravery is by far the kindest word for stupidity don’t you think? What is your connection to Sherlock Holmes?
Watson: I don’t have one. I barely know him. I met him… yesterday.
Mysterious Gentleman: Hm and since yesterday you’ve moved in with him and now you’re solving crimes together. Are we to expect a happy announcement by the end of the week?
Watson: Who are you?
Mysterious Gentleman: An interested party.

Mysterious Gentleman: I am the closest thing to a friend that Sherlock Holmes is capable of having.
Watson: And what’s that?
Mysterious Gentleman: An enemy.
Watson: An enemy?
Mysterious Gentleman: In his mind certainly. If you were to ask him he’d probably say his archenemy. He does love to be dramatic.
Watson: Well thank god you’re above all that.

Baker Street. Come at once if convenient. SH
If inconvenient come anyway. SH

Mysterious Gentleman: Do you plan to continue your association with Sherlock Holmes?
Watson: I could be wrong, but I think that’s none of your business.
Mysterious Gentleman: It could be.
Watson: It really couldn’t.

Mysterious Gentleman: You’re very loyal, very quickly.
Watson: No I’m not. I’m just not interested.

Mysterious Gentleman: “Trust issues,” it says here.
Watson: What’s that?
Mysterious Gentleman: Could it be you’ve decided to trust Sherlock Holmes of all people?
Watson: Who says I trust him?
Mysterious Gentleman: You don’t seem the kind to make friends easily.
Watson: Are we done?
Mysterious Gentleman: You tell me.

Mysterious Gentleman: I imagine people have already warned you to stay away from him but I can see from your left hand that’s not going to happen.
Watson: My what?
Mysterious Gentleman: Show me.
Watson: Don’t—
Mysterious Gentleman: Remarkable.
Watson: What is?
Mysterious Gentleman: Most people blunder around this city and all they see are streets and shops and cars. When you walk with Sherlock Holmes you see the battlefield. You’ve seen it already, haven’t you.
Watson: What’s wrong with my hand?
Mysterious Gentleman: You have an intermittent tremor in your left hand. {Watson nods} Your therapist thinks it’s posttraumatic stress disorder. She thinks you’re haunted by memories of your military service—
Watson: Who the hell are you? {he gets no response} How do you know that?
Mysterious Gentleman: Fire her. She’s got it the wrong way around. You’re under stress right now and your hand is perfectly steady. You’re not haunted by the war, Dr. Watson. You miss it. Welcome back.

Mysterious Gentleman: Time to choose a side, Dr. Watson.

Watson: Listen, your boss. Any chance you could not tell him this is where I went?
Anthea (Lisa McAllister): Sure.
Watson: You’ve told him already haven’t you.
Anthea: Yeah.
Watson: Hey, um, do you ever get any free time?
Anthea: Oh yeah. Lots. {pointedly}. Bye.

Watson: What are you doing?
Sherlock: Nicotine patch. Helps me think. Impossible to sustain a smoking habit in London these days. Bad news for brainwork.
Watson: Good news for breathing.
Sherlock: Ah, breathing. Breathing’s boring.
Watson: Is that three patches?
Sherlock: It’s a three patch problem.

Sherlock: What’s wrong?
Watson: I just met a friend of yours.
Holmes surprised: A friend?
Watson: An enemy.
Sherlock: Oh! Which one?
Watson: Your archenemy, according to him. Do people have archenemies?
Sherlock: Did he offer you money to spy on me?
Watson: Yes.
Sherlock: Did you take it?
Watson: No.
Sherlock: Pity, we could have split the fee. Think it through next time.
Watson: Who is he?
Sherlock: The most dangerous man you’ve ever met and not my problem right now.

Watson: That’s the pink lady’s case. That’s Jennifer Wilson’s case.
Sherlock: Yes. Obviously. Oh perhaps I should mention I didn’t kill her.

Watson: Pink. You got all that because you realized the case would be pink.
Sherlock: Well it had to be pink. Obviously.
Watson: Why didn’t I think of that.
Sherlock: Because you’re an idiot. No no no, don’t be like that. Practically everyone is.

Watson: Have you talked to the police?
Sherlock: Four people are dead. There isn’t time to talk to the police.
Watson: So why are you talking to me?
Sherlock: Mrs. Hudson took my skull.
Watson: So I’m basically filling in for your skull.
Sherlock: Relax. You’re doing fine. Well?
Watson: Well what?
Sherlock: Well you could just sit there and watch telly.
Watson: What, you want me to come with you?
Sherlock: I like company when I go out and I think better when I talk aloud. The skull just attracts attention.

Watson: Where are we going?
Sherlock: Northumberland Street’s a five minute walk from here.
Watson: You think he’s stupid enough to go there?
Sherlock: No. I think he’s brilliant enough. I love the brilliant ones—they’re always so desperate to get caught.
Watson: Why?
Sherlock: Appreciation. Applause. At long last, the spotlight. That’s the frailty of genius, John. It needs an audience.

Sherlock: No. Teeth, tan. What, Californian? LA. Santa Monica. Just arrived.
Watson: How can you possibly know that?
Sherlock: The luggage. Probably your first trip to London, right? Going by your final destination, the route the cabbie was taking you.
Californian: Sorry, are you guys the police?
Sherlock: Yeah. {flashes badge}. Everything all right?
Californian: Yeah.
Sherlock: Welcome to London.
Watson: Ah, any problems just let us know.

Watson: Where did you get this? “Detective Inspector Lestrade”.
Sherlock: Yeah. I pickpocket him when he’s annoying.

Watson: That was ridiculous. That was the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever done.
Sherlock: You invaded Afghanistan.
Watson: That wasn’t just me. Why aren’t we back at the restaurant?
Sherlock: They can keep an eye out. It was a long shot ayway.
Watson: So what were we doing there?
Sherlock: Oh, just passing the time. And proving a point.
Watson: What point?
Sherlock: You.

Sherlock: What are you doing?
Lestrade: Well I knew you’d find the case. I’m not stupid.
Sherlock: You can’t just break into my flat.
Lestrade: Well you can’t withhold evidence. And I didn’t break in to your flat.
Sherlock: Well what do you call this then?
Lestrade: It’s a drugs bust.

Sherlock: I’m not your sniffer dog.
Lestrade: No, Anderson’s my sniffer dog.
Sherlock: What? Anderson, what are you doing here on a drugs bust?
Anderson: Oh I volunteered.
Lestrade: They all did. They’re not strictly speaking on the drug squad, but they’re very keen.

Sherlock: So you set up a pretend drugs bust to bully me?
Lestrade: It stops being pretend if they find anything.
Sherlock: I am clean!
Lestrade: Is your flat? All of it?
Sherlock: I don’t even smoke.

Anderson: According to someone, the murderer has the case and we found it in the hands of our favorite psychopath.
Sherlock: I’m not a psychopath, Anderson. I’m a high-functioning sociopath. Do your research.

Jeff Hope (The Cabbie): Taxi for Sherlock Holmes.
Sherlock: I didn’t order a taxi.
Cabbie (Phil Davis): Doesn’t mean you don’t need one.
Sherlock: You’re the cabbie. The one who stopped outside Northumberland Street. It was you, not your passenger.
Cabbie: See no one ever thinks about the cabbie. It’s like you’re invisible. Just the back of an ‘ead. Proper advantage for a serial killer.
Sherlock: Is this a confession?
Cabbie: Oh yeah. I’ll tell you what else, if you call the coppers now I won’t run. I’ll sit quiet and they can take me down, I promise.
Sherlock: Why?
Cabbie: ‘Cause you’re not going to do that.
Sherlock: Am I not?
Cabbie: I didn’t kill those four people, Mr. Holmes. I spoke to them and they killed themselves. If you get the coppers now I promise you one thing: I will never tell you what I said.
Sherlock: No one else will die though and I believe they call that a result.
Cabbie: But you won’t ever understand how those people died. What kind of result do you care about?

Sherlock: If I wanted to understand, what would I do?
Cabbie: Let me take you for a ride.
Sherlock: So you can kill me too.
Cabbie: I don’t want to kill you, Mr. Holmes. I’m gonna talk to you, and then you’re going to kill yourself.

Cabbie: Sherlock Holmes. I was warned about you. I’ve been on your website too. Brilliant stuff. Loved it.
Sherlock: Who warned you about me?
Cabbie: Someone out there who’s noticed.
Sherlock: Who? Who would notice me?
Cabbie: You’re too modest Mr. Holmes.
Sherlock: I’m really not.

Lestrade: Why did he do that, why did he have to leave?
Watson: You know him better than I do.
Lestrade: I’ve known him for five years and no I don’t.
Watson: So why do you put up with him?
Lestrade: Because I’m desperate, that’s why. Because Sherlock Holmes is a great man, and I think one day—if we’re very very lucky—he might even be a good one.

Cabbie: One thing about being a cabbie, you always know a nice quiet spot for a murder. I’m surprised more of us don’t branch out.

Cabbie: You ready yet, Mr. Holmes? Ready to play?
Sherlock: Play what? It’s a 50-50 chance.
Cabbie: You’re not playing the numbers you’re playing me. Did I just give you the good pill or the bad pill? Is it a bluff? Or a double-bluff? Or a triple-bluff!
Sherlock: It’s still just chance.
Cabbie: Four people in a row? It’s not chance.
Sherlock: Luck.
Cabbie: It’s genius. I know how people think. I know how people think I think. I can see it all like a map inside my head. Everyone’s so stupid. Even you. Or maybe God just loves me.
Sherlock: Either way you’re wasted as a cabbie.

Sherlock: So. You risked your life four times just to kill strangers. Why?
Cabbie: Time to play.
Sherlock: Oh I am playing. This is my turn.

Sherlock: And because you’re dying you’ve just murdered four people.
Cabbie: I’ve outlived four people. That’s the most fun you can have with an aneurysm.

Cabbie: When I die they won’t get much, my kids. Not a lot of money in driving cabs.
Sherlock: Or serial killing.
Cabbie: You’d be surprised.
Sherlock: Surprise me.
Cabbie: I have a sponsor.
Sherlock: You have a what?
Cabbie: For every life I take money goes to my kids. The more I kill, the better off they’ll be. See? It’s nicer than you think.
Sherlock: Who would sponsor a serial killer?
Cabbie: Who would be a fan of Sherlock Holmes?

Sherlock: What if I don’t choose either? I could just walk out of here.
Cabbie: You could take the 50-50 chance or I can shoot you in the head. Funny enough, no one’s ever gone for that option.
Sherlock: I’ll have the gun please.
Cabbie: Are you sure?
Sherlock: Definitely. The gun.
Cabbie: You don’t want to phone a friend?
Sherlock: The gun. {which turns out to be a lighter} I know a real gun when I see one.
Cabbie: None of the others did.
Sherlock: Clearly.

Sherlock: Well this has been very interesting. I look forward to the court case.

Cabbie: I bet you get bored, don’t ya? I know you do. Man like you. So clever. But what’s the point of being clever if you can’t prove it. Still the addict. But this, this is what you’re really addicted to. You do anything—anything at all to stop being bored. You’re not bored now are ya? Innit good—

Sherlock: Okay, tell me this: your sponsor, who was it? The one who told you about me—my fan. I want a name.
Cabbie: No.
Sherlock: You’re dying and there’s still time to hurt you. Give me a name. A name! Now! The NAME!
Cabbie: Moriarty!

Sherlock: Why have I got this blanket? They keep putting this blanket on me.
Lestrade: Yeah. It’s for shock.
Sherlock: I’m not in shock.
Lestrade: Yeah, but some of the guys want to take photographs.

Sherlock: The bullet they just dug out of the wall is from a handgun. A kill shot over that distance, from that kind of a weapon, that’s a crack shot you’re looking for but not just a marksman, a fighter. His hands couldn’t have shaken at all so clearly he’s acclimatized to violence. He didn’t fire until I was in immediate danger though so strong moral principle. You’re looking for a man probably with a history of military service and… nerves of steel— Actually, do you know what, ignore me.
Lestrade: Sorry?
Sherlock: Ignore all of that. It’s just the, ah, the shock talking.
Lestrade: Where are you going?
Sherlock: I just need to talk about the, the rent.
Lestrade: I’ve still got questions for you.
Sherlock: Oh what now? I’m in shock! Look, I’ve got a blanket.
Lestrade: Sherlock!
Sherlock: And I’ve just caught you a serial killer. More or less.

Sherlock: Are you all right?
Watson: Yes of course I’m all right.
Sherlock: You have just killed a man.
Watson: Yes, I — {pause} It’s true, innit. But he wasn’t a very nice man.
Sherlock: No. No, no he wasn’t really, was he?
Watson: And frankly a bloody awful cabbie.
Sherlock: That’s true. He was a bad cabbie. You should have seen the route he took us to get here.
Watson: Stop. We can’t giggle. It’s a crime scene. Stop it.
Sherlock: You’re the one who shot him, not me.

Watson: You were going to take that damn pill weren’t you.
Sherlock: Of course I wasn’t. Biding my time. Knew you’d turn up.
Watson: No you didn’t. That’s how you get your kicks isn’t it? You risk your life to prove you’re clever.
Sherlock: Why would I do that?
Watson: Because you’re an idiot.

Sherlock: You can always tell a good Chinese place by examining the bottom third of the door handle.

Mycroft Holmes: So. Another case cracked. How very public spirited. Though that’s never really your motivation, is it.
Sherlock: What are you doing here?
Mycroft Holmes: As ever, I’m concerned about you.
Sherlock: Yes, I’ve been hearing about your concern.
Mycroft Holmes: Always so aggressive. Didn’t it ever occur to you that you and I belong on the same side?
Sherlock: Oddly enough, no.
Mycroft Holmes: We have more in common than you like to believe. This petty feud between us is simply childish. People will suffer. And you know how it always upset Mummy.
Sherlock: I upset her? Me? It wasn’t me that upset her, Mycroft!
Watson: No. No, wait. Mummy, who’s “Mummy”.
Sherlock: Mother. Our mother. This is my brother Mycroft. Putting on weight again?
Mycroft Holmes: Losing it. In fact.
Watson: He’s your brother?
Sherlock: Of course he’s my brother.
Watson: So he’s not—
Sherlock: Not what?
Watson: I don’t know, criminal mastermind.
Sherlock: Close enough.
Mycroft Holmes: For goodness sake. I occupy a minor position in the British government.
Sherlock: He is the British government. When he’s not too busy being the British Secret Service or the CIA on a freelance basis. Good evening Mycroft. Try not to start a war before I get home, you know what it does for the traffic.

Watson: So when you say you’re concerned about him, you actually are concerned.
Mycroft Holmes: Yes of course.
Watson: I mean, it actually is a childish feud?
Mycroft Holmes: He’s always been so resentful. You can imagine the Christmas dinners.
Watson: Yeah. {realizing}. No. God no.

Watson: Hello again.
Anthea: Hello.
Watson: Yes. We met earlier on this evening.
Anthea: Oh.
Watson: Okay. Goodnight.

Watson: So. Dim sum.
Sherlock: Mm. I can always predict the fortune cookies.
Watson: No you can’t.
Sherlock: Almost can. You did get shot though.
Watson: Sorry?
Sherlock: In Afghanistan. There was an actual wound.
Watson: Oh! Yeah, shoulder.
Sherlock: Shoulder! I thought so.
Watson: No you didn’t.
Sherlock: The left one.
Watson: Lucky guess.
Sherlock: I never guess.
Watson: Yes you do.

Watson: What are you so happy about?
Sherlock: Moriarty.
Watson: What’s Moriarty?
Sherlock: I have absolutely no idea.

Mycroft: Interesting, that soldier fellow. He could be the making of my brother. Or make him worse than ever. Either way we’d better upgrade their surveillance status. Grade 3. Active.
Anthea: Sorry sir, who’s status?
Mycroft: Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson.