Psych Shawn Spencer

Season 2

2007.07.13    

American Duos

1987

Young Shawn (Liam James): What’s with the Michael Jackson outfit? That’s like two years old!
Young Gus (Carlos McCullers): I got scared!
Young Shawn: You were supposed to be Billy Ocean. Why would Michael Jackson sing with Roland Orzabal?
Young Gus: Why would Billy Ocean sing with Roland Orzabal?
Young Shawn: ‘Cause he’s awesome! Now we’re going to add the Moonwalk into Shout. I hope the judges don’t slam us for it.
Young Gus: I don’t know how to Moonwalk.
Young Shawn: You better learn quick.

Present Day

Burton “Gus” Guster (Dulé Hill): Rule number one, Shawn: No talking during Duos.
Shawn Spencer (James Roday): Oh for the love of Lori Laughlin. Please. Use the pause button just once. Why did we get Tivo if we never fast forward and I can’t stop for commentary.
Gus: No calls either!
Shawn: Gus. Don’t be a rabid porcupine. This is just a knock-off of the other knock-off of the original knock-off of that other show.

Shawn: That’s it. I’m cancelling the Tivo. No more frame-by-frame. No more Ghost Cats.
Gus: I recorded that by accident!
Shawn: Then why didn’t you erase it for three months?
Gus: Fine. But I’m putting up the official Burton Guster spoiler alert. Until I get back and watch the recording, nobody utters a word about American Duos.
Juliet “Jules” O’Hara (Maggie Lawson):That’s going to be difficult.

Nigel St. Nigel: Bring on the next contestants. {Gus and Shawn walk in}
Lester Beacon: Presenting Shawn Spence-star and Gus TT-Showbiz. Good luck guys.

Lester: Really?
Nigel: Well. That was… something.
Shawn: Something awesome.
Emilina Saffron (Gina Gershon): Honestly, guys, bad news. Because this is going to hurt. Although I do love you’re style, because you both chose to wear purple. {Shawn looks at their non-purple attire}.

Juliet: What are you planning on singing for round two?
Shawn: Yankee Rose. David Lee Roth. What? Too obvious? Gus can sing the guitar part.

Chance Cade (Ben Cotton): Nigel just called us a curious cocktail of inbreeding and type two diabetes. But he passed us through anyway.
Shawn: That’s hitting below the belt.
Chance: Yeah. Well. Australian people are mean.

Shawn: We need to step it up. Literally. And we need to stomp the yard… figuratively.

Juliet: Shawn, I’m a detective not a svengali.
Shawn: Jules—
Juliet: Shawn, I would know if I’m a svengali!

Gus: How did you know that sandwich didn’t come from the kitchen?
Shawn: Easy. There were only eighty-three sesame seeds on his bun. All the other ones from the hotel had eighty-seven.
Gus: Are you serious?
Shawn: No. The other ones had swords. Nigel’s had a toothpick. I’m not Rain Man, Gus.
Gus: You sing like Rain Man.

Lassiter: Spencer. You missed something. We found prints.
Shawn: Was he in a Little Red Corvette?
Gus: Under a Cherry Moon?
Lassiter: Fingerprints.

Juliet: Can I teach you how to crump? Maybe. That’s up to you. But I can’t reach inside of you and make you want this—I mean absolutely need this—the way that both Hall and Oates used to need this. Well Oates was a little more, probably. this has to come from inside here. And deep deep deep inside here.
Shawn: Jules. You do realize that there is a suspect in custody and the case is just about closed.
Juliet: Is that what this laissez-faire, half-baked effort is about, huh? The case? I thought you were in it to win it!
Shawn: Jules, are you feeling okay?
Juliet: Sharp as cheddar.

Nigel: I feel like I’ve been incarcerated in a blueberry.
Gus: Shawn.
Nigel: This car makes me want to weep and then die.
Gus: Shawn!

Nigel: Good lord, who lives here? The Boringtons?
Shawn: There’s a better-than-decent chance this could go poorly.

Henry: He’s not staying here! He violated basic robe code!
Shawn: Robe code violation. Check.

Gus: Shawn, we’re in a hallway. Standing close to a wall doesn’t make us invisible.
Shawn: Agree to disagree.

Shawn: I need to speak with Emilina right away.
Juliet: She’s mostly comatose, Shawn.
Shawn: We probably won’t know the difference.

65 Million Years Off

1987

Young Gus: This head is to exact scale. It took me three months to make it. Yours took five minutes.
Young Shawn: No, Gus. You’re totally wrong. It took me a whole hour. Check this out. {his car-powered dinosaur takes off}
Young Gus: I hate you, Shawn.

Present Day

Shawn: Is there a problem?
Juliet: With what?
Shawn: With you. With me, With the chief. She hasn’t called in a month. Is she still mad about me requisitioning the Segue?
Juliet: You did that?
Shawn: No.

Shawn: What’s the long answer? I mean, through a but in there. And add something about a dream where you and I get thrown out of the mattress showroom.
Juliet: Detective Lassiter is literally on fire. What kind of fire are we talking about? Michael Jackson in the Pepsi commercial fire or misusing the word “literally” fire?

Lassiter: Come on, we’ll show you how real cops do it. {he leaves}
Juliet: No comeback? Shawn. That’s slightly embarrassing.

Chief Vick: Ah. Mr. Spencer. I’m surprised you didn’t take the Segue.
Shawn: She did know about that!
Chief Vick: O’Hara just told me.
Shawn: Traitor!

Chief Vick: Detective, if you don’t mind I’d like to see what Mr. Spencer has to offer.
Shawn: Alright, look. This is going to be a little rough, okay? I didn’t have time for shading. There was no forced perspective. If I really had my fruthers I’d have done it in charcoal. {to Gus} You know what I’m talking about. Look, what I’m trying to say is that I’m not the artist I used to be—

Shawn: This is not a boating accident!

Shawn: I can play Six Degrees of Dinosaur with you. Right now. You’ve never been in a movie with Kevin Bacon or a Dilophosaurus, have you?
Gus: How about you play Six Degrees of Kiss My Ass?
Shawn: First of all, that sounds like a totally disturbing game.

Shawn: You coming or what? {Gus spikes something squeaky at his head}. That’s clearly a no.

Shawn: Okay. This is creepy. Why is Gus here?
Gus: What do you think, Shawn?
Shawn: He’s a hostage?
Doug Devette: Perhaps I can shed some light on that.
Shawn: Two hostages.

Shawn: Gus!
Gus: Don’t look at me. I’m here for the cupcakes.

Gus: I don’t think we can rule out the possibility of an island somewhere in the Pacific where dinosaurs do exist.
Shawn: And have an appetite for Jeff Goldblum.
Gus: I’m being serious, Shawn.
Shawn: Well look who’s Mr. On-board and sounding like a whacked wombat.

Shawn: What are you, the Lock Whisperer?

Shawn: Dude, I’m gonna get the leaf blower.
Gus: You brought a leaf blower?

Shawn: You’ve got to be kidding me.
Gus: I just discovered a dinosaur.

Gus: We’re pretty sure we just found a cold-blooded murderer and you want to go to his house and ask him about it?
Shawn: We can ask nicely.
Gus: No.
Shawn: Alright alright. We come up with a cover story. We’re Bible salesmen. No. Travelling gypsies. No no no! We’ll do Of Mice and Men. I’m Lenny.

Henry: Shawn!
Shawn: Dad, what are you doing here?
Henry: I was worried. About my tools.

Henry: You still haven’t answered the question why he dug all the holes around the house, Shawn.
Shawn: Dad! That’s the finale. That’s why I don’t invite you to these things.

Psy vs. Psy

1987

Mr. Petlic: I’d be hard pressed to believe that a child of Shawn’s age could be capable of such detailed forgery.
Henry: Well you don’t know my son. No offense, but you are the vice principal of a middle school, not a handwriting expert. That testimony’s not going to hold up in court.
Mr. Petlic: Look, we’re not talking court. … Are we? You know, because if we were, you should know that I did take a handwriting personality course at the learning annex last summer. And I can tell by the way you turn your n-humps that you have a very open and child-like kindness about you. {Shawn snickers} I could be off on that.

Present Day

Shawn: Wait a minute. You’re not Lassie.
Special Agent Lars Ewing (Lou Diamond Phillips): Well I don’t know what a Lassie is, but I’m not it. I’m Special Agent Lars Ewing with the FTD.
Shawn: You’re a special florist?
Agent Ewing: Federal Treasury Department.
Shawn: We have a department the deals exclusively with treasures?

Shawn: Waiting for Godot? Guffman? Waiting to Exhale?
Lindsay Leikin: I’m not waiting to exhale.
Shawn: Shawn Spencer.
Lindsay Leikin: Lindsey Leikin.

Shawn: I’m sorry, is it just me or is this unbearably boring? I don’t how Ms. Leikin works, but Gus and I are going to investigate the body of the store and search for our culprit’s twisted, wretched, filthy aura. Because that is what serious psychics do.

Henry: What the hell are you doing up there?
Shawn: What does it look like I’m doing? We’re making a case. A federal one.
Henry: Oh. Oh of course you are. Well when you finish wrapping things up for the Pentagon, I want you at my house.

Shawn: Dad, I’m confused. These are plans for a wet bar.
Henry: That’s right. For entertaining.
Shawn: But I don’t see anywhere in the plans the portal into 1976.
Henry: Shawn, a wet bar happens to be a timeless home feature.

Gus: You’re still upset that Lindsay showed you up at the crime scene.
Shawn: What is her trick?
Gus: Maybe she’s just more psychic-y than you.
Shawn: Gus, don’t be ridiculous, there’s no such thing as psychics.

Lassiter: Those familiar with this sort of thing know that it’s the classic grift. See, essentially he traded forty-seven g’s of worthless paper for twenty-six in cold hard cash. I’ve seen it before.
Shawn: Where? In a Mamet play?

Gus: It takes nineteen hours to bake a pineapple upside-down cake?
Shawn: It does when it’s being heated by a sixty watt bulb.
Gus: It’s not upside-down, Shawn.

Shawn: You know, I might expect it from John Edwards. Maybe Miss Cleo. But not you.

Shawn: First of all—I and I think I can say this with a fair amount of certainty—there is definitely something not right about this cake.
Gus: Maybe because it was baked in a child’s oven.
Shawn: We’re talking about a deluxe Easy Bake Oven, Gus. I paid over three hundred dollars for it on eBay. This is hardly a toy!

Leikin: This is ridiculous.
Shawn: Is it? It’s not like I’m wearing a giant moose costume.

Zero to Murder in 60 Seconds

1987

Henry: I’m sorry, son. But he just outpedaled you. You understand?
Young Shawn: I think so. {Gus rings his bell}. I got it! I had the wrong song playing that time. Best two out of three.

Present Day

Lassiter: Unlike everyone else around here, I’m not fooled by the fact that you wear [?] clothes, mastered rudimentary level of communication and somehow manage to feed yourselves. I see you for what you are: children. So do me a favor and let the grown-ups do their work.
Shawn: I got a boo boo.

Lassiter: I’ve got less patience for you today than normal. See, I received an invitation to give a presentation at the 21 LES. {blank stares} Twenty-first century law enforcement seminar.
Shawn: Oh… yes. We know that better as 21 Saint Cent Less.
Gus: I like to call it 21 Cent Law Enfo Semi.
Lassiter: Go ahead. Make jokes.
Shawn: I think we just did.

Lassiter: You guys are so funny. Oh guess what? I just got a new car. Yours.
Gus in the backseat of his car: Maybe we had a little too much fun with him.
Shawn: Maybe. {to Lassiter} I have to pee.

Lassiter: If a word of this little incident gets out at the station, I will start making things very difficult for you down there.
Shawn: You’re saying you haven’t even been trying? All this time?
Lassiter: Goodbye.

Shawn: He’s not going to get anywhere talking to those valets. They have a very strict code.
Gus: I still think you’re thinking about the British.

Shawn: I don’t know if it looks like the warehouse from Blue City, Gus. You’re the only one that remembers that movie. {…} What are you, insane? Way more people saw From the Hip than Blue City— I’m not going to talk Judd Nelson right now.

Shawn: Don’t need to thank me, chief. Just glad to help. {she goes to shake Gus’ hand} Don’t thank him either.

Shawn: I’m not talking about you! This is something much worse. This is the first time I’ve been wrong on a case.

Shawn: I think I solved the crime I was supposed to solve and not the crime I should have solved.
Gus: Okay. you’re not making any sense.

Gus: I had to get a deep tissue massage to work out all the knots in my back. I call the big one “Little Shawn”.
Shawn: Okay, that’s the creepiest thing anyone’s ever said to me.

Shawn: Like I said, there’s still quite a few unanswered questions.
Wally (Malcolm Barrett): Well what can I say? You guys got me fair and square.
Shawn: That’s just it. What kind of chop shop artist steals a cop’s car and doesn’t chop it up? It’s almost like you wanted to leave a trail.
Wally: Leave a trail, don’t leave a trail. wouldn’t do any good. You guys caught me quick! Snap! Mind of a cheetah! I was like, “what?” Cops like, “wham!” Okay.

Shawn: You’re not naked under there, are you?
Gus: Naked. And unashamed.

Shawn: Once we figure out what’s up with Jonny G’s shop, we re-solve the case, we get another check.
Gus: And you wanna know what we’re going to do with it?
Shawn: Party like it’s 1999?
Gus: No. We’re gonna—
Shawn: Party?
Gus: No!
Shawn: Kalamu?
Gus: No!
Shawn: Fiesta?

Shawn indiscriminately pulling wires: Uh oh. Looks like something’s wrong with your in-dash DVD navigation and integrated surround sound system.
Gus: That was my speedometer. Now I can’t see how fast I’m going!
Shawn: Regardless.

Henry: Shawn don’t you dare learn a long lesson while I’m trying to teach you a right lesson! Shawn! Stop, stop trying to figure it out! Stop jumping!
Shawn: I can’t help it! It all makes sense!

Wally: Guess I ended up with a better sentence than Jonny G did. {he points at his head} Irony.
Shawn: We still have a few questions. What do you know about a shipment of custom cars on its way to Arizona?
Wally: We were partners but Jonny G was involved in a lot of stuff I didn’t know about. If I asked questions, he’d be like, “None of y’all” I’d be like, “Okay. Relegate.”

Shawn: I’m getting Michael Douglas. Catherina Zeta-Jones. The always under-appreciated Don Cheadle.
Gus: You know that’s right.
Female Student: Traffic!
Shawn: “Say hello to my little friend!”
Male Student: Scarface!

Shawn: Guess that’s three strikes.
Gus: Legislated!

And Down the Stretch Comes Murder

1987

Young Jimmy Nicholas: Give it up, Spencer. Or I’ll shove a tuna nickel sandwich right in your grill!
Young Gus: I think it’s a knuckle sandwich.
Young Shawn: Okay okay.
Young Jimmy: And from the Kangaroos. {Shawn gets the money from his shoes}

Present Day

Shawn: Jimmy Nickles called.
Gus: Jimmy Nickles called us? From where? Prison?
Shawn: I don’t think so. It didn’t sound like it. What does prison sound like? Is there singing?

Gus: He’s going to try and kill us!
Shawn: He’s not going to kill us. Right? I mean, people change. We haven’t seen him since the fifth grade.
Gus: I don’t need to see him, Shawn! Some people are just born evil. The kid from The Omen. The Children of the Corn. Chad Michael Murray.

Gus: Why couldn’t I be Crockett?
Shawn: ‘Cause, Gus. You stood in front of the entire third grade class and said, “When I grow up, I wanna be Phillip Michael Thomas.”
Gus: Well you said you wanted to be the mascot for the Milwaukee Brewers.
Shawn: Dude, it’s the biggest sausage in the world.

Gus: Why is Jimmy Nickles coming here, Shawn?
Shawn: I don’t know!
Gus: Why couldn’t you be a real psychic!

Shawn: Jimmy, what is it exactly you’d like us to do?
Jimmy Nickles: One of our friends from our old school told me about your company. Even though it sounds kind of gay, I thought I could hire you to come down to the track and maybe, ah, psychicly figure out what’s wrong with the horses.

Are you crazy?
Shawn: I wouldn’t say crazy. Maybe an eccentric who looks good in jeans.

Gus: We’re not helping that little monster, Shawn. Period!
Shawn
: Okay, so Jimmy’s still a jerk. I can see that. But the truth is, I feel like I owe him.
Gus: For what? If anything he owes us for a hundred and seventy lunches. You know I added that up once, and with inflation that’s like eighteen hundred dollars.

Shawn: It was me who ratted him out, Gus.
Gus: You did that? Why didn’t you ever tell me?
Shawn: You don’t know all my secrets. I’m a man of untold mysteries.

Shawn: Are you channeling the horse or a little boy with a tight fade who used to wear his OP’s without a drawstring?
Gus: The horse, Shawn. I didn’t have a tight fade in the third grade.

Shawn: So. A jockey who was alive at the beginning of the race is dead by the end. Not to sound insensitive, but I think we have a case.
Gus: That sounds insensitive.

Juliet: Little people make me… Well let’s just say I had a bad experience with a Christmas elf.
Gus: What, he didn’t give you the right present?
Juliet: No. We dated. And then he dumped me for a dancer from the Ice Storm on Ice.
Shawn: She is an enigma wrapped in a little blonde ridddle.

Shawn: Wait! Everyone stop! Let’s acknowledge that the chief is wearing leopard print. And continue.

Young Shawn: What are you doing here?
Shawn: I can do whatever I want, dude. It’s my head. What did I miss? What’s going on here?
Young Shawn: Is that what my hair looks like in the future?
Shawn: Sure is.
Young Shawn: I thought I’d be bald by twenty. This changes everything.
Shawn: Yeah it does. Think big.

Barry Saunder (Howard Hessman): Track’s closing down after this meet. Forty-five years I’ve been doing this.
Gus: Why is it closing down?
Barry Saunder: Well no one comes anymore.
Shawn: Is it because of his shirt? Sorry, Dad, but this is like a genocide of color. Somewhere in the world a rainbow is weeping.

Shawn: Woah woah woah. TBW is Jimmy’s wife?
Barry Saunder: Yeah.
Gus: Looks like Juan Carlos was taking all of Jimmy’s mounts.

Gus: Okay, so let me get this straight. You took on this case because you felt bad about Jimmy getting kicked out of school for something he didn’t do. And now you just convinced the police to reopen the case, which led to Jimmy being arrested for murder.
Shawn: Did I ask for nutshelling?

Shawn: I think he looks like a tangelo in that outfit. Or maybe a Clementine, with seeds for hands.
Gus: I think he looks like an evil little Creamsicle.
Shawn: Ha! You mean Dreamsicle.
Gus: No, Shawn. Creamsicle. They’re exclusively orange.

Shawn: A little girl outside just started crying when she saw this shirt.

Shawn: The announcer! It’s the announcer! He sounds surprised, nay—neigh—shocked.

Shawn: Everybody hold your horses! {the jockey pats his horse} I meant metephorically, but I like the love.

Gus: You don’t know all my secrets, Shawn. I too am a man of untold mysteries.

Meat Is Murder, But Murder Is Also Murder

1987

Henry: Is that a hint of cinnamon I’m tasting?
Young Shawn: Oh yeah, just a little.
Henry: And I’m detecting just atouch of cilantro and… thyme. Am I right?
Young Shawn: Woah, Dad! You’re really sharp.
Henry: Yeah, I am. Gus? Wanna come out of the pantry?

Henry: Shawn, what have I told you a thousand times before?
Young Shawn: Don’t hide Gus in the pantry?
Henry: No! A lie always leads to more lies.

Present Day

Shawn: Jules just called. We’ve got a case. We should go.
Gus: You know, Shawn. Maybe you should handle this one yourself. There’s a first time for everything.
Shawn: First time for… what are you talking about?
Gus: Sorry, Shawn. I can’t make it.
Uncle Burton (John Amos): Oh for cryin’ out loud, Burton. The cops are handing you a case. You’ve gotta take it. Gus: You’re the only psychic detective they’ve got.
Shawn: That’s very funny, I—
Gus: Don’t speak.

Gus: I know what you’re thinking.
Shawn: Of coure you do. You’re a psychic detective.

Gus: Now everybody on my mom’s side of the family thinks that I’m a psychic detective. And you’re—
Shawn: Gay.
Gus: No!
Shawn: German?
Gus: No.
Shawn: Invisible.
Gus: My assistant, Shawn!
Shawn: Wow. This is…
Gus: I know. It’s a mess.

Juliet: Who’s this?
Gus: This is my uncle Burton from New Jersey. Shawn invited him.
Juliet: Very nice to meet you, Uncle… Burton?
Uncle Burton: His mom named him after me. It’s not a very common name but some of us still use it proudly.

Shawn: What is the problem here?
Gus: Stop playing, Shawn. You know I can’t do this.
Shawn: Yes, you can!
Gus: No, I can’t!
Shawn: You make some observations, you form a conclusion, and you reveal it to everybody in a ridiculous and/or roundabout way.

Shawn: Put your hand to your head. It really helps sell it.

Uncle Burton: This better be worth skipping dinner for.
Shawn: He’s a psychic wildebeest.

Shawn: He asked for chicken soup. That’s the ultimate “I’m feeling sick” meal. Except of course for a tub of bacon grease and hot dog water, but usually…

Uncle Burton: This psychic stuff can get a little wimpy, huh?
Shawn: At least he’s not doing it in a tutu and Capezios.

Shawn pantomimes the critic dying
Gus: That’s what killed… {Shawn taps his nose} his nose!

Shawn: Killed his nose? How do you kill a nose?!

Shawn: Shelia E tomato bark! Velvety shark toast! Shark toast!
Chief Vick: Is there something wrong with you, Mr Spencer?
Lassiter: You picked today to ask him that?

Shawn: The curvy A!
Gus: The curvy A? That doesn’t sound like a place that serves food, Shawn.

Gus: Why did you write on my hand?
Shawn: Why would I write on my own hand? This thing’s totally permanent.

Uncle Burton: I want to thank you for an incredible day, Burton. You’re a regular Rockford Files. {he shakes his hand, then leaves}
Gus: Did my uncle just thank me for an incredible day?
Shawn: More important question, how much TV does he watch?

Gus: Do you remember this person’s name?
Mushroom Guy: Can’t say that I do. But I remember exactly what he looked like.
Gus: Can you give us a description?
Mushroom Guy: Yeah. Okay. The guy was about nine-feet-tall, right? He had sunshine coming out of his mouth, and he had a hippopotamous for a hand.
Gus: I don’t think I have any more questions.
Shawn: Yep. That’ll do it.

Shawn: This guy secretly fed beef to vegetarians. Why are we trying to get him out of jail?
Gus: Because he didn’t kill the critic.

Lassiter: This whack job is in violation of at least six different municipal codes and she smells like curly fries. I say we cut her loose, take her down. Where’s the restaurant manager?
Shawn: Probably inside managing the restaurant.
Lassiter: Copy that.

Shawn: Magic head!
Gus: Two heads working together as one.

If You’re So Smart, Then Why Are You Dead?

1987

Henry: I’m still waiting, Shawn.
Young Shawn: Okay. I’m going to take your pointy sad-faced guy for my horsey—
Henry: Stop. Stop. What is this piece called?
Young Shawn: I call him Dwight.
Henry: What is this one called?
Young Shawn: B.A. Baracus.

Present Day

Shawn: I’m sensing that he always takes you out for lunch. That he never pays with a credit card, always cash.
Daphne: That’s right!
Shawn: I’m also sensing that you can only call him at the office or on his cellphone. Never ever at home.
Daphne: That’s dead end. {to Gus} You must get goosebumps being around him.
Gus: I get something.
Shawn: Daphne, I have good news and bad news. The good news is he’s not seeing someone else. The bad news: he’s married.

Goddard: …to hack into a space probe to see if we could get it to blink a word in Morse Code.
Shawn: What word?
Both: Boobs.
Gus: You went through all that trouble just to get some NASA techs to scratch their heads?
Shawn: Come on, Gus. That’s kind of funny.

Shockley: The voice said something like, “I’m not going to be pushed into a corner again.”
Shawn: Are you sure it wasn’t dirty dancing?

Shockley: Guys. Can you help us?
Shawn: Is a lizard skin dry and cracked? {they confer}
Goddard: We believe that it is.

Shawn: Clearly we have to get inside. What’s our cover going to be? Wait, I’ve got it. {to Gus} You’re the preppy jerk who’s dating the girl I’m in love with. I’m the lonely cafeteria guy who mows lawns and has a heart of gold.
Gus: Let it go, Shawn. You can’t pass for a teenager.
Goddard: Yeah. He’s right. You’ve got rhytides around the eyes.
Shawn: What did he just say to me?
Shockley: Crows Feet. Do you squint or make funny faces a lot?

Shawn poking through Lost & Found: Who loses a microscope and doesn’t come looking for it?

Shawn: He sounds like our guy. Now we just gotta figure out how and why he’s gonna kill somebody.
Hahn: And one more thing: if you are late picking me up in the morning I will tear your head off.
Shawn: Maybe just the how.

Shockley: We made notes for you. Bullet points you might wanna try and hit. Don’t show any fear.
Goddard: Don’t split any infinitives.
Shockley: Don’t dangle your participles.
Gus: At least not in public.
Shawn: Look. If I understood what you guys were saying… I’d still be a virgin.

Gus: I got in. I applied. And I got in.
Shawn: That means a lot, buddy. You’d rather stay with your best friend than, you know, have a future.
Gus: No, Shawn. It says parents of the applicant refused admission.

Juliet: I’ve got it. Kirk Gödel.
Shawn: Gödel. It’s almost pronounced like “girdle” because of the omelette on the o.
Juliet: I’m pretty sure that’s an umlaut.
Shawn: I’ve heard it both ways.

Shawn: Circle your horses, Jules. We’re about to crack your case like an egg. And then we’ll make some umlauts. With shallots. And justice.

Rob-a-Bye Baby

1987

Henry: So then this guy with pliers comes in. Probably with safety goggles, maybe some sort of fire retardant coverall. He starts doing his thing. Twisting and turning. There’s all sorts of fluids just spraying all over the place. Then this hydraulic lift comes into play, wheeling everything out of there. And there you have it. Alright? Henry: Let’s clean up.
Shawn: Wait. That’s how babies are born?
Henry: Yes.
Shawn: With a hydraulic lift?
Henry: More or less, yeah.
Shawn: But how are they made?
Henry: Look Shawn, more important question. How many hats are in the room?

Present Day

Shawn: Do you realize what this means? It means we’re taking it to the next level. She said “big” and “top secret.” That’s two of our favorite 80s movies.

Shawn: Shotgun!
Gus: You can’t call shotgun on a blimp.
Shawn: You can call shotgun anywhere except a crowded movie.

Shawn: Look, Chief, with all due respect, I think our services are best utilized—
Chief Vick: Your services are best utilized by doing exactly what I say. You are not my first choice, Mr. Spencer. And I cannot stress how important this is. I. Need. Sleep.

The boys are researching nannies
Gus: What do you have?
Shawn: Something something… Lassiter’s case… Dude this blows with a capital z.

Shawn: Remember when you went on matchmaker.com?
Gus: You mean when you posted a profile of me without my knowledge?
Shawn: Right. And all the women who responded were complete freaks.
Gus: That’s because you said I was looking for a woman who was strong enough to hold me.
Shawn: I didn’t think they would take it literally.

Shawn: You know what’s not a good idea? Pineapple and movie theatre popcorn-flavored jelly beans. That’s disgusting.
Gus: Shawn, stop spitting. You’re scaring the children. {to a passing child} Hi. would you like some candy?
Shawn: I can’t say that I blame her. These are disgusting. I mean they’re really horrible. Why can’t I stop eating them?

Buzz McNab: Listen, I got a call about two creepy dudes hanging out on the playground.
Gus: Really? I haven’t seen anything. But I’ll keep my eyes open.
Shawn: We’ve just been here hanging out in the bushes. {beat} Oh boy.

Gus: This is so wrong, Shawn.
Shawn: That must be why it feels so good.

Shawn: So this is where Mr. Tea Time got steeped.
Gus: That doesn’t even make sense.
Shawn: Got brewed? Got tea-bagged!

Shawn: Alright, everybody out. The position’s been filled. Don’t drive angry.

Henry: It’s time to ‘fess up. What is really going on here?
Shawn: Alright, fine. There’s been a string of robberies in the Heights and I need to get a closer look at one of the houses that got robbed.
Henry: Why didn’t you just say so?
Shawn: Because it’s more fun to say kinkajou

Henry: That’s a stupid house to rob.
Shawn: Does anyone live up to your standards? Maybe we could get a hold of the burglar’s number and we can call, tell him how disappointed you are.

Henry: That house was chosen for a reason.
Shawn: “There can only be one.”
Henry: What?
Shawn: What? I thought we were doing lines from Highlander. My bad.
Henry: Let’s get out of here.
Shawn: Wait! That sensation you’re feeling. That is the Quickening
Henry: Everyone can do Connery. Your Lambert sucks.
Shawn: At least I have a Lambert.

Shawn: Come on, buddy, what do you say? A little cameo on My Two Dads?
Gus: That show was cancelled for a reason, Shawn. I’m sorry. You’re going to have to find someone else to co-parent.
Shawn: I was going to let you be Greg Evigan.

Shawn about his dad: You gotta admit, that man knows how to work a baby.

Bounty Hunters!

1987

Young Shawn: Sorry, Dad, we were just checking out that super cop.
Henry: Shawn, that is not a super cop. That guy is a bounty hunter.
Young Shawn: What’s that, a cop with a cooler name?
Henry: He’s not cool, Shawn. He’s a nuisance. He’s a privately-hired half-criminal operating outside of the law.

Present Day

Shawn: Dude, it’s Byrd! Do you remember Byrd?
Gus: How can I forget him? He looks exactly the same way he did as when we were kids.
Shawn: Same vest. Same Shawn Cassidy hair.

Lassiter: Just so you understand. {demonstrating} Cops are here. Bounty hunters are here. Psychics are here. {they check the hand chart}
Gus: We beat bounty hunters!
Lassiter: By a knuckle.
Shawn: Where are orthodontists on this scale?

Shawn: Okay, Lassie. The answer is an enthusiastic and spritely yes. You’ve got yourself a couple of bounty hunters.

Byrd Tatums (Kevin Sorbo): Look, if I play my cards right, this is going to be my last run. I’m going to collect my fifty g’s and then I’m quittin’ the game. I’m retiring. {Shawn ducks behind Gus}
Gus: What?
Shawn: My bad. Usually when someone’s about to retire they get shot at.

Byrd about the wristcuffs: Oh and by the way, these don’t come in tiny. {he stalks off}
Shawn: We’ll just get a women’s large.

Shawn: Is he diabetic or does he have a heart condition?
Juliet: Yeah. He has a heart condition. How did you know that?
Shawn: Oh, it came to me psychically. I just, you know, didn’t have the energy to do the whole “hand to the head” thing. I was leaning in quite nicely here and… {he trails off}

Shawn: We’re bounty hunters. That’s what bounty hunters do!
Gus: We are not bounty hunters, Shawn. I am a pharmaceutical salesman. And Lassiter made it very clear! He said in no uncertain terms. These are certain terms, Shawn! Certain terms!
Shawn: Somebody forgot to drink their courageous juice this morning.

Shawn: Dude, we’re like the best bounty hunters ever. The criminals come straight into our car, already cuffed!

Juliet: Shawn, where are you guys? Let us send some black and whites.
Shawn: Gus, you want a black and white cookie? Catana, you want a cookie?
Tancana: Can’t eat wheat. Or yeast.

Gus: I thought I was clear! I’m retired! {Shawn ducks} Will you stop doing that!

Shawn: Dude, I’m pretty sure this is the boat from Dead Calm.
Gus: Great. Now I have to worry about Billy Zane too.

Shawn: Why don’t you just put down the fish bonker. You’re making Gus very nervous.

Shawn: What do you think, buddy? How ’bout that nap?
Gus: Shawn, are you forgetting something?
Shawn: I know. You need a nightlight.
Gus: Shawn!
Shawn: Oh.

Shawn: And you might have gotten away with it if it weren’t for your own greediness.
Cole: What greediness? I have all the money I need.
Shawn: Not greediness for money. Greediness for fabulous hair.

Juliet: Shawn, what are you doing?
Shawn: Nothing.
Juliet: Really? Because if you’re doing what it looks like you’re doing then it’s going to be one of those things we were just talking about.
Shawn: What’s that?
Juliet: A mistake.
Shawn: I agree, but that’s clearly not what we’re doing.
Juliet: Okay. Really? Then what do you say that we’re doing.
Shawn: I call it really close talking.

Gus’s Dad May Have Killed an Old Guy

1987

Young Gus: This sucks.
I know! We were tied a hundred and fourteen to a hundred and fourteen. And I was up.

Young Gus: You weren’t supposed to be playing with my new ball.
I’ll give you a thousand dollars to go get it.
Young Gus: Two thousand.
Done.

Present Day

Shawn: The Christmas Spirits told me to give this {pulls out a toy rifle} to you.
Buzz: Oh my goodness. A Daisy Red Rider. I had noe of these when I was a kid. It was the reason I wanted to become a policeman.
Shawn: Well Merry Christmas from me and Gus.
Buzz: Thanks guys. {he walks off}
Gus: He’s gonna shoot his eye out.
Shawn: Yes he is.

Gus: That was amazing. How did you know that?
Shawn: Ah, the room where I take my naps shares a vent with the room where they do the psychological evals.

Lassiter: I hate snow globes.
Shawn: That’s strange. My psychic senses told me specifically that snow globes didn’t give you nightmares about being trapped in a clear ball with snow that burns your skin off.

Shawn: I can think of someone who could use a little cheer this time of year. {hinting} Recently divorced.
Gus: Separated.
Shawn: Estranged. {Gus quibbles} Embattled.
Gus: Yes.
Shawn: And all alone for the holidays.
Lassiter: Alright! Who keeps telling people I want snow globes for Christmas?

Shawn: Dude, I’m really stoked. In over twenty years of friendship I can count on one shop teacher’s hand the number of times your folks have had us over. I assume it’s because they can’t stand my father. Understandably.
Gus: Well I wouldn’t necessarily say that.
Shawn: What would you say necessarily?
Gus: Let’s just say it’s not because of your dad.

Gus: Because of you, Shawn, I got my first B, broke my first curfew, accidentally killed the state bird.
Shawn: How was I supposed to know he couldn’t hold his own liquor?

Shawn: Speaking of smoked turkey, you know why Gus isn’t a smoker? Because when we were kids I made him smoke an entire pack of cigarettes and he discovered he hated the taste. Pretty good influence, if I do say so myself.
Winnie Guster (Phylicia Rashad): Probably what gave him asthma.
Bill Guster (Ernie Hudson): Probably what stunted his growth too.

Mrs. Guster: And how does this differ from the pet baptism business you had as kids?
Shawn: First of all, that was an LLC.

Shawn: Now you’re feeling me, you convertible LeBaron.

Gladys: You had the cutest little lawn mowing business.
Shawn: Wow! That’s right, we did.
Gladys: In fact, I think we paid you five dollars for a job that never got done.
Shawn: Oh, this guy!
Gladys: You know, the yard tools are out back. I’ll go get them.
Shawn: She’s not… she’s not serious? She is.

Shawn: Alright, you’ve had your moment, man. You nailed it. Go ahead and make a timely exit. Come on, man. Before you gotta make another speech.

Shawn: If she’s like most old ladies, she probably thinks you were on The Jefferson’s, and she wears the same perfume from her youth.

There’s Something About Mira

1987

Newly-engaged guy is checking out the hostess
Young Shawn
: By the way, they’re not gonna make it.

Present Day

Gus: Hey. I swore I saw that guy earlier.
Shawn: Oh yeah yeah. He’s been following us all day. I’d say the worst PI ever. Check this out.
Gus: What the! No. He followed me into the bathroom? That’s my sanctuary.
Shawn: I know.

Gus: What do you want from us?
Mace Rhoden: I was hired to find you. By your wife.
Shawn: One more time: piece of criticism. You haven’t mastered the investigative part either. Neither of us are married.

Shawn: This guy, talking about one of us being married. Can you even imagine that? Why aren’t you laughing? Why aren’t you laughing? Oh my god! You were married?

Shawn: I can’t believe you were married! Bachelor party is tainted. I didn’t get to give my brilliant speech that I’ve been planning since we were seventh graders.
Gus: You have not. You have a book of speeches?
Shawn: I wrote those a long time ago.
Gus: You already wrote my eulogy?
Shawn: I don’t remember that.
Gus: “Gus is survived by his best friend Shawn Spencer and twelve cats.”

Shawn: Dude, sky diving’s one thing, but how did she get you to marry her?
Gus: Three words. Three little words.
Mira Gaffney (Kerry Washington): Let’s try goldschlager.
Gus: And four hours later…
Shawn: Oh my god. And your best man was a goat? I was supposed to be that goat.
Gus: Shawn, we’re on me now.

Shawn: Gus, I remember the plan. This isn’t it.

Gus: I’m in trouble.
Shawn: Alright, just be cool. And make your armpits stop sweating.

Shawn: So how long have you been working here?
Mira: Oh no no no. This is my family’s place. We have three wineries. This one, a new one in Napa and then there’s the one in Spain. Which of course I can’t go to because I punched a bull in Pamplona.

Stacy about Henry: Is he with you?
Shawn: Oh yeah, he’s fine. I just won him in a bet.

Shawn: I’ve often heard that’s he best way to savor wine. Just skip over the taste buds and go right for the gullet.
Phylis Gaffney (Telma Hopkins): I swear, if I have to deal with another tourist today my head is going to explode.

Mrs. Gaffney: You know, Shawn, I have very fine tastes. And I like my wine like I like my men. White and hairy.
Shawn: That didn’t make any sense. None. Whatsoever. But I can see where Mira gets her spunkiness.

Shawn: Brace yourself. Jan doesn’t actually exist.
Gus: What?
Shawn: Fact! There is no record of a Jan Englund, buyer of fine wines and food, on the internet anywhere. I did find a Jeff Englund. He’s an albino with a website dedicated to Short Circuit.
Gus: You put us on the email list?
Shawn: That’s a given.

Gus: Shawn, I’ve been there before when it comes to Mira. He’s telling the truth.
Shawn: Yeah. But he’s definitely lying.

Shawn: The wedding was merely a cover. So that Mira’s father would shut down the winery for a day. Jan intended to leave Mira at the altar while Mace broke into Gaffney’s cellar to steal his priceless wine collection and skip.
Juliet: But there was no robbery at the winery and Jan didn’t skip town, he came back.
Shawn: He had a change of heart.
Juliet: Oh, don’t tell me.
Shawn: There’s something about Mira. Jan was telling the truth and lying at the same time.

The Old and the Restless

1987

Grandpa Spencer (Brian Doyle-Murray): Put that down. We’re not here to feed the birds. That’s just a cover to throw your dad off.
Young Shawn: Well if we’re not here to feed the birds, what are we here to do, Grandpa?
Grandpa Spencer: We’re here to girl watch. Everything they do is magical, mysterious. Your grandma was a lifetime of surprises.

Grandpa Spencer: Henry, do you have to drain the fun out of everything?
Henry: Dad, I want you to leave the raising of my son to me, alright?

Grandpa Spencer: Do me a favor, Shawn, sometimes you gotta let what your dad says float through the ears. Make your own choices. Don’t take life too seriously. Travel the world, meet interesting people. Have some adventures. Because one day you’re gonna wake up and realize your’e too old to do anything really fun.
Young Shawn: Yes Grandpa.

Present Day

Henry: And what impenetrable stronghold did this missing person disappear from? {Shawn mumbles} Say again?
Shawn: Glorious Pines.
Henry: The old age home?
Shawn: It’s a retirement community.

Pamela: You two are brothers?
Shawn: Our father worked at Benetton.

Security Guard: I’ll be watching you.
Shawn: We’ll be getting watched.

Gus: What is that, your Indian blood?
Shawn: They were here first, Gus. Don’t ever forget that.
Always hating on the Indians.
Gus: I’m not hating on the Indians, Shawn. I’m hating on you.

Shawn: Candy Striper? Really? I didn’t even know they made those uniforms for men.
Gus: They just started. There was a lawsuit.
Shawn: I’m just saying. Aim higher.

Student: Doctor, we still have a lot of patients to see.
Shawn: Well five minutes isn’t going to kill them. {silence} Is it?

Shawn: Alright. At least that gives us the “how.” Now we just have to figure out the “why.” Which reminds me, Gus, will you please get us those tickets for The Who?
Gus: Where?

Lights, Camera… Homicidio

1987

Young Shawn: Dad. What are you watching?
Henry: Oh, nothing, Shawn. It’s your mom’s stupid soap opera. She left it on, I was watching it while I was taking a nap, actually.
Young Shawn: Do you sleep with your eyes wide open?
Henry: Okay, Shawn. Yes, maybe I was half-watching it. Not because I like it but because it’s educational. Pay close attention you might learn a little something too.
Young Shawn: That Logan is probably cheating on Skye?
Henry: No, Shawn. I’m talking about sharpening your skills.

Present Day

Shawn: This is a real life television studio, Gus. What could be better?
Gus: Eating my breakfast. I was having a poached egg with hollandaise sauce on an English muffin.
Shawn: Look, we’ll solve it up quick. Youll be back home in no time. {he answers his non-ringing phone} Hello? {and hands it to Gus} Dame Judy Dench called. She wants her breakfast back.

Lassiter: Spencer, thank god you’re here! Now go home. We don’t need you. O’Hara jumped the gun . It seems pretty much open and shut.
Shawn: Ah, Jules. If you want to spend time with me you don’t have to trump up some case. You just pick up the phone, give me a call, say, “Shawn, I’m here. I’ve got pudding pops.”
Juliet: I’ll keep that in mind.

Shawn: But the best news is that, now that we’re on the case, we have craft service privileges. Which means all the gummi bears and Poppycock we can jam in our bellies.

Jorge Gama-Lobo (Matt Cendeno): She hates me. She beat me up.
Gus: I hardly think there’s a woman capable of that.
Shawn: Bea Arthur?
Gus: I stand corrected.

Shawn: Let’s go after her.
Gus: Woah woah woah. Maybe now isn’t such a great time to approach her.
Shawn: You’re right. We only have a day to solve the case. We should wait and hang out.

Shawn: So this is where all the magic happens.
Director (Jay Brazeau): Yes. Smell the dream.

Shawn: She’s sweet. Sweet like Mariah Carey on a bender.

Henry: Did you ever think that maybe this is embarrassing for me?
Shawn: Embarrassing for you?
Henry: First off, your accent is terrible. It’s disgraceful, really. You sound like that El Pollo Loco guy. And then there you go, turning your back on Reynaldo. Even after he defended you when you were accused of Gloria’s kidnapping. Come on!
Shawn: First of all, I am trying to sound like the El Pollo Loco guy.

Lance: Shawn, this is so good for me. It’s like Hemingway, like Elroy. Steinbeck, Danielle Steel.
Shawn: Ethan Hawke.
Gus: Judy Blume.
Lance: Exactly! I can wallow in the harsh underbelly of prison life. You know, shake it up a bit with the riff raff.
Gus: Uh. The riff raff? This is the Santa Barbara jail, not San Quentin.
Shawn: It was written up in Fodor’s last year as a nice spa alternative.

Kelly: I had to! She cares too much. And her heart is too big for her chest.
Shawn: Eh…

Dis-Lodged

1987

Young Gus: We’re starting a secet club.
Henry: The Burn Down the House Club?
Young Gus: The Gus and Shawn Club.
Young Shawn: It’s actually the Shawn and Gus Club.

Henry: You know, a club needs regulations, bylaws. You guys got any rules?
Young Gus: Yes. No girls.
Young Shawn: Everybody has to be under twelve. No old guys.
Young Gus: And they have to have a love of correct grammar.
Young Shawn: That’s not a rule!
Young Gus: You said we could have one special rule. That’s mine.
Young Shawn: And that’s the best rule you could think of?
Young Gus: I think you mean, “that’s the best rule of which you could think.”
Young Shawn: I’m not being in a club with this.
Young Gus: Fine! I don’t need you and your misplaced prepositions!

Present Day

Shawn doing the handshake: Hold it. Fold it. Skim it. Crouching Tiger. Zookeeper’s Boy. Hairdresser on Fire. Girlfriend in a Coma. Slap it on a biscuit.

Gus: Do you realize what this means?
Shawn: Yes. It means my dad, Mr. Integrity, is nothing more than a lying liar from Liarsburg.

Henry: You drive me a little crazy, Shawn. The idea of spending an entire weekend with you—
Shawn: I drive you crazy?
Henry: And your cat? Got a little too familar with the arm rest of my sofa. There.

Henry: This is not the time for your shenanigans.
Shawn: It was a single shenanigan. Technically more of a hijink. Pet killer.
Henry: I am not a pet killer, Shawn. Chairman Meow is living very happily at a retirement home in Ojai.

Gus: Those men look evil. White men in hoods?
Shawn: They’re violet.
Gus: That’s how it starts, Shawn.

Shawn: Look around. You’re in a safe place. Surrounded by men who love you. Gus?
Gus: Lassiter. I love you.

Shawn: Dude, did you see those shipping crates? CCI, AIF, XEP. Those are airport codes. All Brazilian.
Gus: Brazilian airport codes. How do you know that?
Shawn: I lived in an airport for a month, Gus.
Gus: That was Tom Hanks in Terminal.
Shawn: Same difference.

Shawn: Say what you will about credit cards and paperclips, sometimes a door just needs to be owned.
Gus: That’s a screwdriver, Shawn.
Shawn: Screwdriver’s too.
Gus: I think it was unlocked.

Shawn: One of the doctors is cooking the books. How sure are you?
Gus: Eighty-five, eighty-six percent.
Shawn: We’ve gone on much less.

Shawn: We grabbed them on our way out of the Lodge.
Henry: Way out?
Shawn: Yeah, Gus and I decided we didn’t want to belong to a club that would have Lassiter as a member.

Black and Tan: A Crime of Fashion

1987

Henry: Shawn. Where’s that nice new sweater vest your mom just put on you for picture day?
Young Shawn: Oh yeah… that. It wasn’t working for us. We chose the Knight Rider shirt instead. Mom loves Kitt.
Henry: You know how a cop distinguishes when somebody’s lying?
Young Shawn: When it sounds like that?
Henry: Go upstairs, put the vest back on.

Present Day

Gus: I am not working.
Shawn: I know you aren’t.
Gus: I do not work on my birthday.
Shawn: I think you’ve made your position clear on that.
Gus: Then tell me where we’re going.
Shawn: That’s not how a surprise works.

Shawn: Just check your list.
Doorman: Holy crap, it is you. Sorry for the mix-up, Tan.
Shawn: I beg your pardon? My name is Black. His name is Tan. I can’t believe you just made that assumption. You should be ashamed of yourself and your family.

Gus: What do you think? Should I pull out the Cheetah?
Shawn: The Cheetah is the worst name for a pick-up move in the history of mankind. Remember the rule. Treat a woman like a person. Then a princess. Then a Greek goddess. Then a person again. Besides, I think Operation Colonel Sugarlemons is a much better move for a place like this.

Bryan Frou (Corey Sevier): You expect us to believe that you model?
Shawn: What, that’s hard to believe? What, me and by bro here aren’t worthy of leering into a camera lens or Blue Steeling it up occasionally?
Hassenfeffer (Jilon Ghai): Your bro? Of course. His features are immaculate. But you. Not so much.
Shawn: What? What are you, insane? Help me out here, Tan.
Gus: He’s a foot model.

Lassiter: Why am I suprised?
Shawn: Usually it’s because—
Lassiter: Just tell me if you’ve seen anything.

Henry: She’s… what would you call her, non-descript?
Shawn: Non-descript? I’ve never heard a woman described that way unless she was a robbery suspect.

Gus: I wonder if it looks like the loft in Head Over Heels.
Shawn: You—and only you—can confirm that.

Shawn: Alright, what do we know about Emily Bloom?
Gus: Well, she wrote Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret and Freckle Juice.
Shawn: I think that was Judy Blume.

Shawn: Chief, I cannot get involved in some sort of soap opera starring my father.

Henry: Should I take her to Crabshack Willie’s or the Third Wharf?
Shawn: Those can’t possibly be real places.

Gus: We’re not gonna solve this thing tonight, Shawn.
Shawn: I know part of it. I might even know two-thirds of it. Dude, I could totally go up there.
Gus: But you won’t Shawn.
Lassiter: Alright, Spencer, we did a rush tox screen on Emily.
Juliet: You were right.. She had the same poison in her system as Ciaobella but in a much high dose.
Shawn: I definitely know two-thirds of it!
Gus: Stop it, Shawn. Don’t do it. Don’t just get up there and start winging it. That’s not how we operate.
Shawn: Dude, where have you been for the last two years?

Shawn: I know this may be hard for some of you to believe, but I’m not really Black.

Shawn (and Gus) of the Dead

1987

Henry: People do not become bloodthirsty monsters after they got shot. In fact I ‘ve had a lot of experience in the field with puncture wounds and there’s no way a giant dart to the lungs creates a six-inch hole visible on the other side.
Young Shawn: Really?
Henry: No way! I mean maybe the blood-engorged cavity will become purple and expand and perhaps even explode. I’ve seen that. {Shawn looks less-than-reassured}

Present Day

Sophie: The mummy disappeared in fifteen seconds or less and our main feed picked up none of it. This all cracks of something larger than petty crime. And not to sound too Shirley Maclaine, scream of something potentially… supernatural. This requires someone with skills beyond the normal person. I want him. {she points to a photo of Shawn}.
Lassiter: No you don’t.
Sophie: Yes I do.
Juliet: Do you think he’s up?

Shawn: Well you don’t have to get snippy. You’re the one who drunk dialed me. {…} Oh really. I just assumed. I mean it’s 4:25, right?

Shawn: Uh oh.
Juliet: What’s wrong?
Shawn: They only put one name on the plaque.
Juliet: So?
Shawn: So
Gus is going to have an aneurysm. And not the good kind.

Shawn looking at statuary: Have it. Have it. Want it. Have it. Mine’s bigger.

Shawn: Queen Nerfer-titty?
Juliet: Nefertiti.
Shawn: I’ve heard it both ways.

Shawn: That mummy was not stolen, Miss Bridgewell.
Lassiter: Great.
Shawn: I’m afraid it walked out— {dramatic pause} all on its own.

Chief Vick: What I have to say is very… difficult.
Shawn: If this in any way pertains to Lassiter’s third testicle, I’m afraid we already know.
Chief Vick: This is no time for jokes, Mr. Spencer.

Chief Vick: Effective Friday I am stepping down as chief.
Juliet: What?
Chief Vick: I’m leaving.
Juliet: You can’t do that! Do they know?
Chief Vick: Oh, they know.
Juliet: I will write a letter. I will start a petition. I will leak it to the reporter at the Mirror.
Chief Vick: O’Hara, please. Thank you. I appreciate the sentiment, but the die is cast.
Shawn: Chief, are you sure you don’t want to wait it out just a bit—
Chief Vick: No. Mr. Spencer.
Lassiter: So you’re saying the job is open? {Juliet smacks him}

Sophie: What’s wrong?
Shawn: He won’t break the plane of the mummy room.
Sophie: Why not?
Shawn: He’s afraid of being cursed.
Sophie: He’s not that far off base, really.
Shawn: Please don’t coddle him.
Gus: Fact: every one of those guys that unearthed Tut’s tomb. Cursed. They’re all dead now.
Shawn: Well of course they are. That was over eighty years ago.

Gus imitating Shawn: Look at me. Look at me. I love my hair. I can make obscure eighties references that nobody understands. Laugh at me. Ha ha! Ha! Hey, know something about me? I have a motorcycle, but I never seem to be riding it.

Shawn: What’s on the hill?
Gus: That’s freedom, Shawn.

Looking at the Confederate Flag
Shawn: What is wrong with this flag?
Gus: Everything.
Shawn: Besides that.
Gus: I don’t know.
Shawn: It’s upside down.
Gus: And backwards. What’s your point?

Shawn: There’s nothing here, Gus. It’s just a bunch of old guns. Not even nice ones, at that.
Gus: The Lexan glass case they’re housed in is worth more.
Shawn: Lexan glass?
Gus: Yeah. It’s bullet-proof.
Shawn: Well it would have to be in case the guns decide to fire themselves. Lexan glass.
Gus: That’s common knowledge, Shawn. People know know that.
Shawn: Who? People in Charlton Heston’s house?
Gus: Yes. And yo’ momma.

Shawn: Gus, don’t be a Traveling Wilbury.

Shawn: Come on, dude. I honestly didn’t know he was going to be pulling a corpse from the ground.
Gus: That’s okay, Shawn. I honestly didn’t know I was going to be putting my foot in your ass. Life’s full of surprises.

Henry awkwardly: I got a, uh, I got a phone call a couple days ago, and… I don’t know if you have any plans, but… Are you busy on Saturday?
Shawn: You want me to come with you to awkward class?
Henry: Forget it.

Shawn: We don’t care what he did when he was living. Only since he’s been a mummy. Let’s do this. {he starts diagramming} First, he was on display for six months in Cincinnatti. He didn’t kill anybody there. Then, he was on loan—Plano, Texas. Nobody had their eyes or internal organs stolen there.
Gus: What’s that?
Shawn: A bowl of chili.
Gus: Whats that up there?
Shawn: It’s Austin Kearns. would you pay attention!

Shawn: Woah woah woah. The name of your film is Night Cycle?
Gus: What’s wrong with that?
Shawn: Well it’s kind of boring! Unless it’s about a motorcycle that comes to life at night and solves crime and does sweet wheelies.

Shawn: Dude, he took the van!
Hannah: The mummy?
Gus: Great. Now we’ve got a mummy on the loose and the son-of-a-bitch knows how to drive a stick?

Shawn: It’s not a mummy, Gus.
Gus: You keep saying that and it keeps coming up mummy.

Shawn: I don’t think anybody’s here.
Gus: How sure are you?
Shawn: Fairly to pretty damn.
Gus: Good because I don’t think I can take one more— {he sees a mummy in the driver’s seat}

Shawn: Okay, I don’t know if you just read The Secret or watched an emotional Oprah, or what. But I don’t think we’re ready to open our souls to each other.
Henry: Well we have no choice, kid.
Shawn: We do. And it’s good. Because what we have is simple and shallow and unobtrusive. So let’s have this conversation when you’re ninety and maybe on an oxygen tank. Because I have a date with a woman who runs a museum. And that’s new for me. {he goes to leave}
Henry: No, Shawn, please, no!
Shawn: It just feels good. You know what, I’ll grab the door for you on my way out. {he opens the door to} Mom.