American Duos

American Duos

1987

Young Shawn (Liam James): What’s with the Michael Jackson outfit? That’s like two years old!
Young Gus (Carlos McCullers): I got scared!
Young Shawn: You were supposed to be Billy Ocean. Why would Michael Jackson sing with Roland Orzabal?
Young Gus: Why would Billy Ocean sing with Roland Orzabal?
Young Shawn: ‘Cause he’s awesome! Now we’re going to add the Moonwalk into Shout. I hope the judges don’t slam us for it.
Young Gus: I don’t know how to Moonwalk.
Young Shawn: You better learn quick.

Present Day

Burton “Gus” Guster (Dulé Hill): Rule number one, Shawn: No talking during Duos.
Shawn Spencer (James Roday): Oh for the love of Lori Laughlin. Please. Use the pause button just once. Why did we get Tivo if we never fast forward and I can’t stop for commentary.
Gus: No calls either!
Shawn: Gus. Don’t be a rabid porcupine. This is just a knock-off of the other knock-off of the original knock-off of that other show.

Shawn: That’s it. I’m cancelling the Tivo. No more frame-by-frame. No more Ghost Cats.
Gus: I recorded that by accident!
Shawn: Then why didn’t you erase it for three months?
Gus: Fine. But I’m putting up the official Burton Guster spoiler alert. Until I get back and watch the recording, nobody utters a word about American Duos.
Juliet “Jules” O’Hara (Maggie Lawson):That’s going to be difficult.

Juliet: What about Detective Lassiter?
Nigel St. Nigel (Tim Curry): Absolutely not. His hair looks like it’s been poured out of a cake mold.

Nigel St. Nigel: Bring on the next contestants. {Gus and Shawn walk in}
Lester Beacon: Presenting Shawn Spence-star and Gus TT-Showbiz. Good luck guys.

Lester: Really?
Nigel: Well. That was… something.
Shawn: Something awesome.
Emilina Saffron (Gina Gershon): Honestly, guys, bad news. Because this is going to hurt. Although I do love you’re style, because you both chose to wear purple. {Shawn looks at their non-purple attire}.

Juliet: What are you planning on singing for round two?
Shawn: Yankee Rose. David Lee Roth. What? Too obvious? Gus can sing the guitar part.

Juliet: I have to go. I can’t be seen talking to you. And… not just because you’re undercover.

Gus: Well Nigel’s essentially a monster. He’s an equal opportunity bastard. The list of suspects can be narrowed down to everybody. Even I kinda want to kill him.

Chance Cade (Ben Cotton): Nigel just called us a curious cocktail of inbreeding and type two diabetes. But he passed us through anyway.
Shawn: That’s hitting below the belt.
Chance: Yeah. Well. Australian people are mean.

Juliet: Well I did go to cheerleader camp. For two weeks. I got kicked out.
Gus: Kicked out?
Juliet: Yeah. It’s a long story. Suffice it to say I don’t like liars who steal nail polish and then pass out when you slap them a little bit on the back of the head.

Shawn: We need to step it up. Literally. And we need to stomp the yard… figuratively.

Juliet: Shawn, I’m a detective not a svengali.
Shawn: Jules—
Juliet: Shawn, I would know if I’m a svengali!

Carlton “Lassie” Lassiter (Timothy Omundson): Well you are spinning yourself into circles, whoever you are. Maybe you should go outside and rethink your story.
Zapato Dulce (Cristian de la Fuente): What story?
Lassiter: Exactly.

Lassiter: Great. Bride of Frankenstein. Have a seat.
Emilina: What am I doing here?
Lassiter: Well let’s see. Your trailer’s right next to Nigel’s, you hate him, and you can’t seem to account for your whereabouts for most of the last sixty days.

Emilina: That was a publicity stunt. The “weapon” was a forklift. And I was drunk on a spray bottle of Charlie.

Nigel: What is it with you and throwing things?

Gus: How did you know that sandwich didn’t come from the kitchen?
Shawn: Easy. There were only eighty-three sesame seeds on his bun. All the other ones from the hotel had eighty-seven.
Gus: Are you serious?
Shawn: No. The other ones had swords. Nigel’s had a toothpick. I’m not Rain Man, Gus.
Gus: You sing like Rain Man.

Lassiter: Spencer. You missed something. We found prints.
Shawn: Was he in a Little Red Corvette?
Gus: Under a Cherry Moon?
Lassiter: Fingerprints.

Emilina: Mr. Bean! Thank god it’s you.

Juliet: Can I teach you how to crump? Maybe. That’s up to you. But I can’t reach inside of you and make you want this—I mean absolutely need this—the way that both Hall and Oates used to need this. Well Oates was a little more, probably. this has to come from inside here. And deep deep deep inside here.
Shawn: Jules. You do realize that there is a suspect in custody and the case is just about closed.
Juliet: Is that what this laissez-faire, half-baked effort is about, huh? The case? I thought you were in it to win it!
Shawn: Jules, are you feeling okay?
Juliet: Sharp as cheddar.

Buzz McNab (Sage Brocklebank): Instant noodles, danish, Diet Coke.
Nigel: Took you long enough. I thought you were dead. You see what I’m reduced to? Instant food.
Buzz: I’ll take the noodles if you don’t want them.

Nigel: I feel like I’ve been incarcerated in a blueberry.
Gus: Shawn.
Nigel: This car makes me want to weep and then die.
Gus: Shawn!

Nigel: Good lord, who lives here? The Boringtons?
Shawn: There’s a better-than-decent chance this could go poorly.

Emilina: Come on, Count Chocula! I know you’re in there. Don’t make me pee on something. Again!

Henry: He’s not staying here! He violated basic robe code!
Shawn: Robe code violation. Check.

Gus: Shawn, we’re in a hallway. Standing close to a wall doesn’t make us invisible.
Shawn: Agree to disagree.

Shawn: I need to speak with Emilina right away.
Juliet: She’s mostly comatose, Shawn.
Shawn: We probably won’t know the difference.

Chief Karen Vick (Kirsten Nelson): And who might this be, detectives?
Juliet: Meet Bevin Rennie Llewellyn.
Lassiter: Ms. Saffron woke up out of her sternum, rabbit-punched me in the sternum, and ID’ed this guy as her attacker.