Season 4

Extradition: British Columbia

1989

Henry Spencer (Corbin Bernsen): That was your teacher. Apparently you’re the only one in class who didn’t turn in his art assignment. So there’s going to be an empty space on the wall at open house tonight.
Young Shawn (Liam James): Actually Dad, I’m pretty sure I did finish it. Sounds to me like it was stolen.
Henry: Oh, so somebody breaks into the school and the only thing they steal is your painting. And why is that?
Young Shawn: Because it’s the perfect crime.
Henry: Sit. {he sits} Shawn, there is no such thing as the perfect crime. We leave in forty-five minutes. Make something pretty.

Present Day

Shawn Spencer (James Roday): Lassie.
Burton “Gus” Guster (Dulé Hill): Wow.
Shawn: Is your hair starting its own cult?
Chief Karen Vick (Kirsten Nelson): Trying to do a performance review here, Mr. Spencer. I thank you not to bother us.
Shawn: Seems like a strange thing to thank me for, but you’re welcome of course.

Gus: Are we ever going to start skiing?
Shawn: As soon as I finish this hot chocolate.
Gus: Why don’t you just throw it out?
Shawn: I would, but this hot cocoa represents the end of our vacation money.
Gus: How are we out of cash? We’ve only been here four hours.
Shawn: The American dollar was not as strong as I anticipated, Gus.

Gus: So what do we do now, call the authorities?
Shawn: We make sure it’s Despereaux. And I have an ingenious plan to smoke him out.
Gus: Sounds good.
Shawn: Pierre! {Despereaux turns}
Gus: That was your plan?!

Shawn: There’s only one move we can’t follow!
Gus: What’s that?
Shawn: He just made it!
Gus: The slow gentle turn?
Shawn: That was it!

Shawn: You know what this means, Gus.
Gus: That we suck at skiing?
Shawn: This hot chocolate just became a write-off.

Shawn: You’ve seen The Mentalist, right?
Corporal Robert Mackintosh: Yes!
Shawn: It’s like that.
Gus: Except that guy is a fake.

Shawn: Put your socks on, Gus. ‘Cause I’m about to knock them off.
Gus: What’ve you got?
Shawn: I’ve got nothing. What’ve you got?
Gus: Nothing. {a birthday banner comes in the background} No you don’t! It’s obvious.

Shawn: He stole something else, too. He stole a painting! {points to an empty spot over the mantle} Ed, he’s better than we thought I’m afraid.
Randolph Stockwell: I sold that painting two weeks ago.

Pierre Despereaux (Cary Elwes): Mildly impressive that you found me here. You two are making a marked improvement from your harlequinade antics on the slopes.
Gus: In my defense, I have two left knees.
Shawn: You know what’s more impressive? In about fifteen seconds you’re going to see a fierce—albeit gunless—American detective, his striking snow bunny partner—which I mean nothing salacious by—and half the RCMP are going to storm this roof and take you down! Wait for it…
Despereaux: I’d love to, but I really have to go.

Shawn: We found you, so… looks like we win.
Despereaux: I am neither known nor wanted in this country. At best I’m a person of interest in places I do my work. Such is the curse of my talent. So since I have taken the time to find you, please, don’t spoil it.

Shawn: I’m afraid we fell for the flaming baked Alaska diversion trick again.

Deputy Commissioner Ed Dykstra (Ed Lauter): How clear are you on this?
Shawn: It’s as if he wrote it on a piece of paper and put it in my hand.

Despereaux: You have nothing on me but your word. Your very shaky, very suspect word. Therefore you pose absolutely no threat to me whatsoever. I do have to thank you. You have been very useful for me.
Shawn: My pleasure.
Despereaux: And now if you don’t mind.
Shawn: I don’t know how to respond. I’m both relieved and offended at the same time.

Shawn: One more thing. What day is today?
Despereaux: Sunday.
Shawn: Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Shawn: I am honing. I am a honer.

Shawn: Trust me, he cares just as much about his pants as he does thievery.
Juliet: So let me get this straight. Despereaux comes to you in a vision to fake doing something?

Shawn: I know why Despereaux never gets caught! Because he doesn’t steal anything!

Shawn: Man, I thought you were so cool. But you’re just here to look the part. This whole time I’m thinking, This guy is Thomas Crown. You’re barely Remington Steele. Which makes me, what? Laura Holt? You think a guy like me wants to be Stephanie Zimbalist? Maybe.

Shawn: Look at that bridge!
Juliet: It’s beautiful.
Shawn: Little known fact: that bridge was built by wolves.
Juliet: Really?

He Dead

1989

Henry: Wow. A hundred and fifty degree temperature.
Young Shawn: I’m probably too sick to go to Jim and [?]’s house. You better call and cancel.
Henry: Yeah, right after that I’ll call the coroner. A hundred and fity degree temperature, you’re a dead man walking.
Young Shawn: I am?
Henry: Yeah. I give you five, ten minutes to live. Tops. The good news is this happened soon enough for your mother and I to start over again. Maybe this time we’ll have a girl.
Young Shawn: How’d you know I was faking?
Henry: Well Shawn, your first mistake was sticking the thermometer in boiling water.

Henry: Shawn, there’s something weird about every family. That’s what makes America great.

Present Day

Gus: A map? That’s your secret weapon?
Shawn: This is not typical map my friend. With large words that people don’t understand. Like “latitudinal”. And “east”.

Shawn: We’ve been given a great responsibility.
Gus: How so?
Shawn: Warren Clayton’s dying wish. Man, what if that had been your dad. Or my dad. Or some other random black guy and white guy found him with one breath left. would you want those dudes to fulfill our dad’s final wish? Especially if it was about us?
Gus: You think of me as some random black dude?

Shawn: Mrs. Clayton, I’m receiving a psychic transmission from your husband. It’s really more of a voicemail, if I’m being honest. Maybe more of a status update. Perhaps a twitter.
Gus: I believe it’s called a “tweet”.
Shawn: There’s no way I’m saying that.

Mrs. Clayton: What resources will you be needing?
Shawn: Re- ? Okay, one: a case of Red Vines, individually-wrapped. Two: a mini-fridge filled with Cactus Cooler. We need a Shamwow…
Gus: A new laptop. Tell her we need a new laptop.
Shawn: A new laptop. Preferably one made of Red Vines.

Shawn about Gus’ coughing fit: He’s allergic to rich white people.

Shawn: If your family’s hiding anything else, we will find it.
Mrs. Clayton: We don’t hide anything except large amounts of money, illegitimate children and, ah, the fact that we’re Jewish.

Gus: “Relationship Shawn” needs to step up his game.
Shawn: Okay, first of all, there is no “relationship Shawn” or “Boyfriend Shawn”. There’s just regular Shawn and Malibu Shawn. You know that.

Shawn: Alright, after calling every single car sevice in Bakersfield—
Gus: Two.

Shawn: Gus, note to self. Remember 1600 Joshua Lane.
Gus: You can’t give me your note to self. It’s a note to yourself.
Shawn: Fair enough. “At that moment, Shawn found himself alone. Unable to face the journey ahead.”
Gus: You can’t do your own omniscient narration either.

Nina Thomas: May I help you?
Shawn: I certainly hope so. My name is Shawn Spencer, this is my associate, Jazz Hands. {Gus does Jazz hands}

Nina Thomas: You guys believe in karma, don’t you?
Shawn: Yes, but only because we’re karma chameleons.
Gus: We come and go.

Nina Thomas: I can’t believe you think I would kill my own father.
Shawn: In my defense, I initially thought you were sleeping with him. {to Charles} How pumped are you that I was wrong about that.

Juliet: He’s dead.
Shawn: Man. Why does this always happen?
Gus: We have to start checking first.

Shawn: I think I breathed in some dead guy.

High Noon-ish

1989

Henry: Shawn. Why is there a giant hole in my front yard?
Young Shawn: It’s simple, Dad. Don’t get upset. The hole is my grave.
Henry: What?
Young Shawn: Gus made me dig my own grave. Then shot me and stole my boots. Only he didn’t bury me far enough and the buzzards ate my entrails.
Henry: Oh. So you were playing Cowboys and Indians, huh?
Young Shawn: Just Cowboys. Playing Indians is offensive.

Henry: Then the buzzards ate your entrails. That’s awful.
Young Shawn: Yeah. It was a tragic end to our adventure. But it’s the realism that makes it fun. If it helps, Gus ended up getting hung by a one-eyes crooked sheriff.

Henry: Hey, Shawn, I’ve got a game for you. It’s called Get Your Butt In My Yard and Fill in That Hole Now. It’s the realism that makes that fun, too.

Present Day

Gus: He’s going to kill us.
Shawn: What?
Gus: He hasn’t said a word the whole time he’s been driving. Face it, Shawn, he’s finally snapped.
Shawn: He asked us for a favor, that’s all. We can leave anytime we want. Case in point. {he tries the door—it’s locked}. 

Gus: This is all your fault. You and all the practical jokes you play on him!
Shawn: Those were team-building exercises. To build camaraderie.
Gus: How do you build camaraderie by changing someone’s bank account numbers?

Hank Mendel (James Brolin): Hell, I wasn’t even gonna call you out here, but Binkie insisted.
Gus: Binkie?
Hank: Oh. You don’t call him Binkie?
Shawn: We do now.

Hank: It started out as simple vandalism. Somebody’s been stealing our wood from sidewalks, buildings, fence posts.
Shawn: Wood thieves. My first instinct is beavers. But I’m not willing to rule out those pesky Keebler Elves.

Gus: Holy crap.
Shawn: He shot that guy!
Lassiter: I know. Isn’t it great?
Shawn: This is not a real town.
Gus: It’s a tourist trap.

Gus: If this turns into Blazing Saddles, I’m outta here.
Shawn: Hm. Pull that.

Shawn: Tell me, Hank, have you ever seen this vandal?
Hank: I’ve felt him.
Shawn: Was that in an appropriate way?

Gus: I’m out of here. I’m calling a cab.
Hank: Those things don’t work out here. We got no TVs, no radios, no refrigerators.
Gus: Sounds like prison. Except they have those things.
Shawn: Would you stop it.

Shawn: I think I’m starting to get why Lassie loves this place so much. It represents a simpler time, when people weren’t so preoccupied with distractions of modern life.
Gus: Like living past age forty?

Lassiter: I don’t believe this. I send you two out there to find out what the heck’s going on and you get Sheriff Hank run over by horses?
Shawn: Look, Lassie, I don’t even know how to get someone run over. And as long as we’re assigning blame, the horses shouldn’t get off scott-free.

Gus: How about I wear the spurs?
Shawn: How ’bout the sheriff wears the spurs?
Gus: How ’bout you kiss my blacksmith ass?

The Devil’s in the Details… and the Upstairs Bedroom

1989

Father Peter Westley (Ray Wise): It seem like he just can’t get through a lecture without questioning every detail. Take this morning’s for instance, on Noah’s Ark.
Young Shawn: I’m sorry, Dad, but it just doesn’t make sense.
Father Westley: What doesn’t make sense, Shawn?
Young Shawn: Lots of things. Like if the Ark was built in the Middle East, how did animals like the Koala bear get to it?
Young Gus: God helped them get there, using His Almighty power.
Father Westley: That’s exactly right, Gus.
Young Shawn: Then why didn’t He use those powers to create the Ark? Wouldn’t the be much faster than getting Noah to build it?

Henry: Shawn, I think you’re getting a little too hung up on details.
Young Shawn: Really? You always taught me that details are everything in life.
Henry: You’re missing the point, son.

Present Day

Shawn: Question: Where are all the girls in the Catholic school girl uniforms, Gus?
Gus: There’s one right over there.
Shawn: No! That is a male bagpiper.

Father Westley: I just can’t believe the two of you have become detectives.
Shawn: Psychic detectives, to be exact.
Gus: Actually, he’s the psychic. I’m a pharmaceutical salesman.
Shawn: We also do commercial jingles.
Gus: No we don’t.
Shawn: We will. {singing} Bum bum bum. Muffins.
Father Westley: That’s incredible.
Shawn: Thanks. I made it up just now.
Father Westley: I was talking about the detective thing.
Shawn: That too.

Shawn: My senses are telling me that this girl committed suicide.
Lassiter: Well you can tell your senses to kiss my sweet— {sees a nun} love… biscuits…
Gus: I don’t know if you made that any less offensive.

Shawn: May I speak with you in the Stop-Openly Contradicting Me room?

Shawn: If we end up catching the Devil, and he starts acting all… devil-y, I know what to do. First I’ll buy a fiddle. Play a quick tune, so he underestimates my abilities. Then I’ll challenge him to a wager. If he wins, he gets my soul. I win, we get his cooperation—
Gus: Alright, I get it. You don’t believe in possessions.

Gus: Look, I know Father Westley’s theory’s kind of crazy, but if he believes it then I need to take it seriously. You know how much I look up to him.
Shawn: I look up to Brett Favre, that doesn’t mean I believe everything he says. Alright, that’s a bad example. It’s those tearful press conferences, man. They get me every time.

Shawn singing: Bum bum bum, this thing.

Shawn: Man. How come every girl posts a million photos online of her and her friends posing cheek-to-cheek? It’s so lame.
Gus: Says the guy who has that on his desk.
Shawn: It’s not posted online, Gus. {beat} Yet.

Shawn: Well. It looks like you got this one covered. Gus and I are going to throw back a couple of shots and then his the confessional booth.

Shawn: Is there anyone else you can think of who’s taking the news of Agatha’s death particularly hard? Family or close friends?
Co-ed: Well you know about Lucy, don’t you?
Shawn: Yes. Of course. She charges five cents for psychiatric help and if she ever asks you to kick a football, you say no.

Mrs. Ryan: Can I get either of you something?
Shawn: Yes. Diet Coke, garlic hummus and the new TV Guide if you have it.

Gus: Here me out. Agatha jumped off the building to kill herself and the demon that was inside of her. Right before she died, the demon transferred out of her and into Lucy. Just like in the Exorcist.
Shawn: Do you realize you’re basing this on a fictional movie?
Gus: You once tried to solve a case using the movie Pretty In Pink.
Shawn: That’s completely different. Pretty In Pink is more of a docudrama.

Mrs. Ryan: What kind of grief counselors are you?
Shawn: We’re very progressive.

Henry: Let me guess: relationship troubles.
Shawn: Yeah. I hate when we fight.
Henry: I’m sure she feels the same way.
Shawn: I’m not talking about Abigail. I mean Gus.
Henry: So am I.

Shawn: When it doesn’t work— I’m sorry, if it doesn’t work—will you promise me we can go back to doing things my way?
Gus: And what way is that again?
Shawn: Oh you know, follow a few leads, make some inappropriate jokes, I’ll remember some stuff and then we’ll tip off the police using a little bit of this.
Gus: You got it.

Father Westley: I always try to start every exorcism with a little humor.
Shawn: Check this one out: a priest, a rabbi—
Father Westley: It’s over now.

Lucy: I know about Mr. Reno!
Shawn: What’d you say?
Lucy: He was your seventh grade shop teacher. And you placed a tack on his chair.
Shawn: That… Did you tell her that?
Gus: No.
Lucy: You’re the one who gave him blood poisoning.
Shawn: No. We don’t know that for sure.
Father Westley: Get him out of here, Gus.
Shawn: The man made a living handling rusty metal.

Shawn: Woah.
Juliet: Are you getting a premonition?
Shawn: No. Just a head rush. It happens to me quite a bit when I’m sleep-deprived.

Gus: Why are you reading my index of medications?
Shawn: Because it’s hilarious. The section on medications that treat urinary tract infections made me pee my pants. Which is ironic if you think about it.
Gus: You’re on to something, aren’t you?
Shawn: Yep. Gotta go. Thanks for the cake. {he grabs it out of Gus’ hands}
Gus: That’s a sponge to moisten stamps.

Shawn: Dad, kids your age should not be cooped up inside playing video games all day. You should be outdoors feeding pigeons and driving with your blinker on.

Henry: Tell him the truth. But in the most respectful way possible.
[…]
Shawn: You were wrong! Wrong wrong wrong! Wrong wrong wrong! Finger guns! *pew* Wrong! *pew* Wrong! Wrong in your weenie!
Gus: Put down the finger guns.

Cameron: Hey guys. What are you doing here?
Shawn: Unfortunately we’re here to tell you that you are under arrest for possession of an illegal hot plate.

Cameron: Lucy and I have always just been friends.
Shawn: Cam, don’t be so naive. Men and women can’t be friends.
Gus: Yeah, When Harry Met Sally taught us that.
Shawn: It also taught us that women often fake orgasms. {Juliet agrees}

Shawn: But props to you for your performance as a possessed girl. Linda Blair would be proud. Now you can do your best impression of her in Chained Heat.
Gus: And?
Shawn: Red Heat!
Gus: What!
Shawn: Two Prison movies! {they break out the finger guns}

Shawn: Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It’s been… fifteen years since my last confession.
Father Westley: Wow.
Shawn: “Wow”? That’s not very priestly.

Shawn: There is something that’s been gnawing at me lately. {checking} Gus, can you hear me? {silence} Here’s the thing: I’ve been stealing the food that Gus hides in his desk and eating it, and then blaming it on the cleaning lady Oniniña.
Gus outside: I knew it! I knew it!
Shawn: Damn it! {realizing} Oo! Is that one a sin?
Father Westley: Yes.

Shawn: One thing I wasn’t lying about was the commercial jingles. Perhaps I could help the church out with a new theme. {singing} Bum bum bum. Wafers! No. that’s not it, that’s not the one. Let me try this. {singing} Bum bum bum. Holy Ghost.
Father Westley: I like that. Holy Ghost.
Shawn: Yeah?
Father Westley: Yes.

Shawn Has the Yips

1989

Henry: Ready?
Young Shawn: I was born ready, Dad.
Henry: Actually you were born breach, son. Took hours to get you out. But I appreciate the enthusiasm.

Present Day

Shawn: Big win for the team. Well-played, all of you. Let’s not forget that our valiant opponents also played a heckuva ball game. Respect, Haircut Hut.
Gus: I don’t know why you’re giving the victory speech, Shawn. You almost cost us the game today.
Shawn: What are you talking about? I had five hits.
Juliet: You also overthrew third base five times.

Shawn: Alright, look. I know you’re all thinking it so here goes. I am suffering from a mental block. It goes all the way back to my youth. It’ very common amongst highly-skilled athletes and international men of leisure. They call it the Yips.
Lassiter: They should call it the Sucks.

Shawn: Excuse me? I still haven’t gotten my pizza chili cheese fries. Also known as the Shawn Spencer. Not that you’d recognize them as such, seeing as how this establishment refuses to call them that, even though I order them six times a week.
Jenny the Server: I brought you the fries, sir.
Shawn: If you brought them to me, I think I’d know. Because I’d be experiencing both euphoria, and a burning sensation in the neighborhood of my colon.

Shawn: The guy at the door has a gun! We need to make a plan. There’s a Louisville Slugger on the wall. We can crack the glass, use it to symbolize you’re packing.
Lassiter: Move. {he starts firing} Police. Freeze, douchebag!

Shawn: I’m getting some serious voodoo that the hooded man didn’t come in here to rob the restaurant.
Juliet: Then what was he doing?
Shawn: He wanted to kill someone.
Lassiter: He wanted to kill someone. Who?
Shawn: One of us.

Lassiter: Your hypothesis is crap. Who walks in to a known cop bar to kill a cop. Makes no sense.
Shawn: Fact—
Lassiter: You say that again, I’ll punch you in the face.
Shawn: Truuuth. There was only forty-two dollars in the cash register.

Chief Vick: I’m not using public funds to help you overcome your mental block of overthrowing first base.
Shawn: Would it help if I told you I’m also pee shy?

Shawn: I need you to suspend your disbelief and hop on board the Streetcar Named Shawn-sire.
Gus: Dude, you know how that metaphor makes me uncomfortable.

Gus: Mashed potatoes? Really?
Shawn: This is actually kind of fun. Did you want to scoop out the last lesbian?

Gus: Why didn’t we stay inside the shoe store?
Shawn: I told you, I get freaked out by tassels.

Shawn: Look at that. Lassie’s getting some press.
Gus: Good for him. He deserves it.
Shawn: Fifty bucks to the guy who can get on camera the most.
Gus: You’re on.

Shawn: What purpose do tassels serve on shoes, Gus?
Gus: I don’t know.
Shawn: I do. Evil.

Salamatchia: I recognize you.
Shawn: Yes sir. We’re both listed on the Petrovich case.
Gus: No we are not!
Shawn: I’m not gonna lie.
Gus: Since when?

Bollywood Homicide

1989

Henry: Special girl, huh.
Young Shawn: Yeah. Kinda.
Henry: Well it’s nice to see you applying yourself. Looks like you put a lot of work into that.
Young Shawn: Thanks, Dad, but I don’t know if I’m going to send it.
Henry: Why? Why, Shawn?
Young Shawn: There are obstacles.
Henry: Obstacles! All couples have obstacles. The key to it is, you’re never gonna know unless you put yourself out there.
Young Shawn: Gus says it’ll never work.
Henry: Gus? What does Gus know? Gus is twelve. You remember at that skate party how he cried when that girl touched his arm? Gus. Come on.

Young Shawn: What do you think?
Henry: Let’s see. The heart is good. You tell her that you think she’s pretty, but not in a creepy, aggressive kind of way. I like that. You know down here I think what you want to do is I think you want to tell her that you’d like to call her sometime. Do that. It looks like you forgot to address it there. You want to write her name big and pretty. Make her think she’s important. You know how sometimes they’ll write when you do the calligraphy with big loops and swoopy letters? Do that. Do that over there.
Young Shawn: Dad, could you do it?
Henry: Yeah, sure. I guess. Alright. What’s her name.
Young Shawn: Ah. Mrs. Phillips.

Present Day

Shawn: This is my “I told you so” room. Where I like to gloat after a completey wild accusation turns out to be spot-on. That’s my “oops” corner, where I apologize to people for being arrested after a completely wild accusation turns out to be just that. Over there’s where you get gum. Free.
Abigail Lytar (Rachael Leigh Cook): What!

Shawn: This is Detective Carlton Lassiter. I do his job. And sometimes his hair, though clearly not today.
Lassiter: I’m really sorry, Spencer. I can’t play with you today. I’m about to go solve another case. And do it in record time.

Shawn: This place was actually built by the Amish. Which explains the complete and utter lack of zippers.

Shawn: I’m going to tell you what I do. And I don’t want you to freak out because it’s so cool. I’m a psychic. A great and powerful psychic, whose powers inspire fear and awe in those who first experience them. I am a crime-solving machine and I’ve closed over fifty cases. Many without pants.

Raj grabbing his hands: I hurt people. Lots of people. Lots of innocent people.
Shawn extricating himself: It’s funny, because you don’t strike me as a violent guy. How could you commit these crimes?
Raj: I can’t help it. The attacks, they just happen.
Shawn: I see. And you use some sort of weapon.
Raj: I am the weapon!
Shawn: Really?

High Top Fade-Out

1989

Young Shawn: Hey Dad, can I please get a home computer? Mrs. Phillips said it would help prepare me for the future.
Henry: Shawn, get your head out of the clouds. Those things are just another passing fade like rap music, Madonna and LA Law.

Present Day

Shawn: I can’t believe you’ve been holding out on me all these years. You know it’s one of my lifelong dreams to be a part of a four-piece singing group. Five piece is my backup. Now I find out not only were you in one, you let it all slip away. I must know why. I must.
Gus: Enough, Shawn.
Shawn: That was like a New Edition reunion concert minus Bobby and Ronnie.

Shawn: Man, I wish I could have known you when you were black.

Tony: Can we hire you or what?
Shawn: Man, I think that might be a little complicated. {he looks at Gus} Then again, what are best friends of mysteriously estranged old college friends for?

Tony: Diddle worked for Cyber Vault.
Gus: I know. Diddle worked for Cyber Vault.
Tony: Oh, this dude.
Gus: Companies hired them to protect and encrypt data sent over networks.
Shawn: So they can or can not lift the parental lock on my laptop?
Gus: That was me, Shawn. It was for your own good.

Tony: Now you feel where we’re coming from. How ’bout you, Gus?
Joon: Oh man, he’s not even hearin’ it. Much less feelin’ it.
Shawn: Gus, it’s clear to the three of us that you are neither hearing it nor feeling it. What I can’t discern is, are you mad at it?

Shawn: Don’t be the American adaptation of the British Gus.

Gus: I get claustrophobic, Shawn.
Shawn: You are a cadaver. And we have to cover you because cadavers don’t wear shirts from Abercrombie and Fletch.
Gus: It’s Abercrombie and Fitch! And no, you haven’t heard it both ways.
Shawn: Sh!

Juliet: I’m sure that your girlfriend appreciates you using her as a tactic to scam information. Gold star, Shawn. Really. {She walks off as Gus walks in}
Gus: Well?
Shawn: Crashed and burned. Then somehow crashed again in Chile only to be eaten by my soccer teammates. We’re on our own.

Shawn: Wow. This guy’s almost as organized as you are.
Gus: Those other two brothers, they couldn’t color tab their way out of a Staples.
Shawn: Really? Now you’re on them because they’re not anal retentive enough?
Gus: I’m just saying.
Shawn: What happened between you guys?
Gus: Move on, Shawn.

Shawn: Your boy liked big butts and I can not lie.
Gus: What are you talking about, Shawn?

Shawn: Excuse us. We were never formally introduced. I’m world renowned psychic lothario, Shawn Spencer. This is my associate—
Gus: Gus. But you can call me John Slade.

Shawn: What the? I specifically told you guys to stay at my Dad’s.
Tony: Yeah, but then you gave us the nod. So clearly you were saying, “Don’t trust something this important to Gus. B.”
Shawn: No. I’m not nearly adept enough at using B to work it into a nod. I was just, I was saying, “Goodbye for now.”
Gus: How many times have I told you not to mess with the nod?
Shawn: Never. You’ve never once said that to me.

Shawn: Fellahs. “It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye.” Just like the old days. Minus the hair and the satin.

Let’s Get Hairy

1989

Gus: Shawn, we shouldn’t have left our troop.
Shawn: Dude, this is a chance to put our skills to a real test.
Gus: Okay, what was that?
Shawn: It was nothing. Your Little Chief senses are off.
Gus: Okay, tell me you didn’t hear that!
Shawn: Probably just a giant beaver.

Henry: Do you know how dense this forest is?
Gus: Dense enough for a werewolf to run amuck and swallow me like a Rollo?
Henry: Werewolves, huh?
Shawn: Yeah. Didn’t you hear that?
Henry: The mind can convince itself of almost anything when fear is involved. But fear does not exist in this dojo, does it boys? {there’s a scary noise in the woods} Okay. We’re outta here.

Present Day

Stewart Gimbley (Josh Malina): Please tell me you’re the psychic detectives. Please.
Shawn: I am the psychic detective. He has a Magic 8-Ball head.

Gus: So Stewart, why do you feel you need to be locked up and observed?
Stewart: I’m almost positive I’m a lycan.
Shawn: Lycan? Like seaweed?
Stewart: No. A lycan.
Shawn: Oh, you mean lychee. Like sheep’s wool.
Gus: Lychee is a tropical fruit, Shawn.
Stewart: A lycan. Lycanthrope. A, a, a—
Gus: Werewolf?
Stewart: Yes!

Lassiter: Wait a minute, he broke through his chains?
Shawn: Figuratively, yes. Technically it was duct tape and kite string.

Shawn: Sure you don’t want to tag along?
Lassiter: I would rather adopt a child.

Shawn: Please, Jules. This could be a matter of life and death. Or mange.
Juliet: Okay.
Shawn: Sweet! Use the bat phone.

Shawn: Look at you, crushing on Vampira.

Lassiter: Alright. Fine. Let’s hear it.
Shawn: For who? The boy? That’s on Gus’ iPod. It’s back at the office.
Gus: Don’t say a word about Denise Williams.

Gus: Maybe we should let them take it from here.
Shawn: Gus, if we turn away every werewolf case that comes through our door, people are going to start talking.

Shawn: Polexia wasn’t kidding.
Stewart: Polexia? What? You talked with the Black Widow?
Gus: You call her the Black Widow?
Stewart: Not just me. All of us in the group. She was once married to this guy who couldn’t grow hair. What’s that called?
Shawn: Bald.
Gus: Alopecia.
Shawn: That’s the fear of beans.

Shawn: Dad, are you feeling okay? You just gave up your dream machine to a guy you said you punched once in a bowling alley.
Henry: He brought a nun, Shawn. Sometimes you gotta give one up for the team.

Henry: I’m tired. I want waffles.
Gus: I could eat some waffles.
Shawn: I’m buying.
Gus: Which means I’m buying.
Shawn: You know that’s right.

Shawn Takes a Shot in the Dark

1989

Young Shawn: I’m sorry, Dad, but since when did bandanas count as hats. I was close.
Henry: Close doesn’t cut it anymore, Shawn. You’re going soft on me.
Young Shawn: You know I’m eleven, right.
Henry: This is not some bar trick, Shawn. This is about survival. Knowing how many hats are in a room may very well save your life one day. Now pay attention. Today we’re learning about worst case scenarios.

Present Day

Shawn: We are not here to hone in on your case. We just heard “ice cream” on our police radio and it just happened to be Gus’ snack time.

Rollins (John Hawkes): How the hell do you escape from the trunk of a car?
Shawn: In his defense I think I’m the only kid whose father taught him how to kick out the tail light from the back of a trunk.

Shawn: You know I’ve heard people say that with gunshot wounds it’s really all about the shock, you know? That at some point the bullet wound itself just goes numb. You can’t feel anything. It’s not true. I can say without a doubt this is the most pain I’ve ever been in in my life. So if you wouldn’t mind turning the other way I would really like to weep now.
Garth (Michael Rooker): It’s a flesh wound, alright? You’re fine. Stop whining.

Shawn: So you could probably take a target from what, eight hundred yards?
Garth: Twelve hundred. If the wind conditions are right.
Shawn: Right?
Garth: Oh yeah. Well fifteen. Possibly.
Shawn: That’s impressive.
Garth: Some people get pretty good at that stuff.
Shawn: It does beg the question. Why didn’t you kill me at three feet? We both know that you could have but you didn’t.

Shawn: I know you said not to talk, but to be completely frank with you, man, it’s always been an issue for me.

Shawn: The question is, where’s is gonna go down. And when.
Rollins: What do you care? You’ll be dead.

Shawn: Look at you, buddy! You’re like Vin Diesel.
Gus: That makes Jules Michelle Rodriguez and you Paul Walker.
Shawn: This is no good.
Gus: Don’t worry, Shawn. You’ll be alright.
Shawn: I know. I’ll be fine.
I just really don’t want to be Paul Walker. Not even for one day.

Henry: Hold on!
Shawn: Great idea, Dad! I was thinking about not doing that.

Lassiter: Spencer, what the hell are you doing?
Shawn: Which Spencer are you talking to?
Lassiter: Doesn’t matter. You’re the same person.

Lassiter: Nice shooting, Detective.
Shawn: Did you just call me Detective?
Lassiter: No.

Shawn: You know I had to tell Juliet that I loved her.
Gus: Wow. Was it awkward?
Shawn: Little bit. Of course at the time I was more concerned with not getting shot again.
Gus: I guess you were just doing what you had to do.
Shawn: The weird thing is, I think she was about to say it back to me.
Gus: I bet she was just playing along. Doing what she had to do.
Shawn: Yeah. Yeah, you’re probably right.

You Can’t Handle This Episode

1989

Henry: What does that make you want to do when you grow up?
Young Shawn: Hm… Go into advertising? That’s a really catchy jingle. Seriously. I can’t get it out of my head.

Present Day

Shawn: I do not believe this man committed suicide. Unfortunately he was murdered!
Gus: Wait. Already? How sure are you?
Shawn: Forty-one percent.

Ewan O’Hara (John Cena): Honestly man. From what my sis tells me, you— you’re the amazing one.
Shawn: You said that?
Juliet: I said you were prophetic.
Shawn: What?! You’re prophetic!

Shawn: We’ll need one of those Hummers—the open Hummers we saw on the way in. And my partner will require a corn cob pipe.

Shawn: Gus, please. Let’s focus.Your pettiness ions are interfering with my psychic ions and creating recepto-non-grata-interfero-bupkus.

Major General Felts (Robert Patrick): I assume you realize that this type of idiocy will not be tolerated on my base!
Shawn: Is there another type of idiocy that you would be more comfortable with?

Juliet: What—other than being a war hero—has my brother done to bring on your suspicions?
Shawn: He has an arsenal of weapons in his pants.
Juliet: Shawn you might just try to mask your obviously jealousy for Ewan.

Gus: I wonder where that truck is going.
Shawn: Any chance it’s Uganda?
Gus: Shawn, are you okay?

Shawn: I’ve never met a man who’s so big he couldn’t hide behind a plane.

Shawn: You know what’s funny is that Major General Felts turned out to be the good guy in all of this. If I hadn’t seen The Great Santini so many times I probably would have seen that sooner.

Thrill Seekers and Hell-Raisers

1989

Henry: Shawn, what in blue blazes is going on? You’re up on the roof in this weather?
Young Shawn: Nothing, Dad. Me and Gus were just practicing basejumping. It’s the newest thing in extreem sports.
Henry: Are you crazy? You could get yourself seriously hurt or maybe even killed doing something like this.
Young Shawn: Don’t worry, Dad.
We made lifesize replicas of ourselves to make sure the shoes would work.
Young Gus: Mine’s over there. We’ve made improvements since then.
Henry: Basejumping? Shawn there’s no way I’m going to let you do something that risky.
Young Shawn: But Dad!
Henry: But nothing. As long as you live in my house you follow my rules.

Young Shawn: One day I won’t be living in your house and then I’ll be able to take any risk I want. What about that?
Henry: Okay. When you and Gus are thirty years old then you can go out and be as wild and reckless as you want.

Present Day

Gus: Shawn the thing is you have a tendency to scare my girlfriends away.
Shawn: What, because I ask a few simple questions?
Gus: You asked one girl if she knew the answer to the riddle of the Sphinx.
Shawn: And? Bullet dodged. You’re very welcome.
Gus: You only knew that because you saw it on Superfriends.
Shawn: She had the same opportunity to see that episode, Gus.

Ruby (Sarah Shahi): Might I say that you and Gus have one of the most rich and fulfilling friendships I’ve ever seen.
Shawn: We’re like Andi and Ducky. With just a tad of Mary-Kate and Ashley.

Gus: Ruby passed the test.
Shawn: Of course she was good at the pet store. She was prepared.

Shawn: We thought you guys were having a picnic, you know, because it’s lunch time.
Stu: It’s three o’clock in the afternoon.
Shawn: Let me explain. Lunch for us starts ten minutes after breakfast ends, goes ’till ten minutes before dinner starts. Unless of course we just combine the two, in which case we have “linner”.
Gus: And then there’s “dessinner”. Which is dessert and dinner.

Shawn: I can you that Jessica here is a bit of a free spirit. Single, but looking. And not afraid to make the first move.
Ruby: Nice. How’d you know that?
Shawn: She’s tickling my ass.

Shawn: Gus. May I have a word with you in the “Stop saying crazy things to Ruby” room, please?

Juliet: Stu and his business partner Brian Samson just filled for bankruptcy.
Shawn: Samson. That’s just a great name. Straight out of film noir. A old detective who drinks, loves even harder. Or, go with her: Samson. A tiny little orphan mouse who must find his way home from Wolverhampton.
Gus: Or Samson, the legendary figure from the Bible?
Shawn: Naw, that doesn’t work. All those guys had names like Ben Hur and Promethesus.
Gus: You have never read the Bible have you, Shawn?
Shawn: Genesis. Exorcist. Leviathan. Deu… the right thing.
Gus: Oh my god.

Henry: How much have you had to drink?
Shawn: More than a little and less than a lot. But I make sense, don’t I?

Shawn: This is me. I am your partner and your best friend and we are not supposed to keep secrets from each other.
Gus: I know, Shawn. But it’s complicated.
Shawn: No! Math is complicated. The show It’s Complicated was complicated. The song Complicated by Avril Lavigne— ironically, not, not very complicated.

A Very Juliet Episode

Gus: What could possibly be the good news coming after that?
Shawn: I was going to say the good news is we have a case because I’m pretty sure he was murdered.

Shawn: I managed to get onto a website that I probably shouldn’t be on.
Gus: Shawn don’t tell you’re going all Pete Townsend on me.

Lassiter: JT Waring is a Los Angeles mobster. Went down for racketeering a few years ago.
Shawn: What’s racketeering?
Lassiter: Nobody knows.

Shawn: You like tall men and fat animals.
Juliet: Yes. Yes I do.

Marshal Daniel Wayne (Craig Sheffer): So you did this?
Shawn: Yes we did. But don’t worry, there’s no need for a reward.
Marshal Wayne: Well that’s good. Because we generally don’t give out rewards for exposing a key witness right out of witness protection.

Shawn: Hello, Mr. Waring. My name is Shawn Spencer, well-known psychic detective. And this is my associate, Burton Guster.
Gus: Now you wanna use my real name?!

Shawn: My god, he’s convincing.
Gus: Convincing? He’s a criminal.
Shawn: Yes. But he has a great head. And a real presence. There’s something very Billy Zane-y about him.
Gus: You and Billy Zane are the only ones that use that term. He’s playing you, Shawn. He’s a murderer and liar and the lowest form of trash.
Waring: You know these things don’t turn off, right?

Waring: Do you understand about honor, Mr. Spencer?
Shawn: Of course I do. I have a bootleg copy of Saving Private Ryan at home.

Shawn: Scott Seaver did not witness a murder. He witnessed a cover up! Somebody might want to follow me.

Gus: So what happened?
Shawn: Gave him the old mano a mano speech.
Gus: Did it work?
Shawn: Not even sort of.
Gus: Then what happened?
Shawn: I had to knock him out, Gus.
Gus: I thought Scott knocked him out.
Shawn: I’ve heard it both ways.

Death Is in the Air

Present Day

Shawn: It’s really important that I get this girl’s address. I need to go by there.
Juliet: Um. That’s where I’m calling you from. And Shawn, she must be a great hooker. This place is sweet.

Donny Leberman: But why would someone want to buy the virus?
Shawn: I have a guess, and much like this bedspread it’s not pretty.

Gus: This room was paid for in cash and registered to a Val Kilmer.
Shawn: It’s either an alias or Val has officially lost it.

Gus: I can’t believe this, Shawn. First we’re looking for a prostitute, now I’m naked in a parking lot?
Shawn: It’s just like our prom night.

Shawn: Speaking of disasters, Doctor, what is your opinion of Lassiter’s hair?
Dr. Steven Reidman (Judd Nelson): Scientifically, if he were to grow it, his ears wouldn’t stick out as much.

Shawn: According to your file, under medications, you have listed neither Rogaine nor Monoxinil. Is that correct?
Patient: That’s right.
Shawn: Really? You don’t want to try either of those?
Patient: No. Why?

Shawn about the escaped Dr. Mallon: I’m sensing that he has his own stash of the cure.
Juliet: How is that possible?
Shawn: Because not only did he invent it, I am sensing he also stole the Thornberg and then released it.

Lassiter: You’re not trained in covert surveillance.
Shawn: Really? What part of training is announcing our presence with a megaphone?
Lassiter: Just go hide in a bathroom and stay out of our way.
Shawn: Alright we’ll go. But not because you told us to. Gus has to tinkle.

Shawn: Gus, something doesn’t make sense to me. He was on his way out when we spotted him. Why did he leave before releasing the jujumagumbo?
Gus: He aborted his plan.

Shawn: I can see him! It’s either him or Michael Ironside.
Juliet: Why would you be having a vision of Michael Ironside?
Shawn: Exactly!

Shawn: What are you, Michael Vick?
Lassiter: I’m not going to shoot him! He doesn’t know that.
Shawn: He doesn’t know anything. He’s a dog.

Shawn: I realized, in life, we never have as much time as I think we do.
Gus: What do you mean?
Shawn: I mean Jules. I mean all this time, right, we talk, we do our thing. And I’m like, you know, if something’s supposed to happen between us it’ll happen. Just poof! And magic beans coming down on you. But the truth is, my god, she could die today. And she might never know how I feel.

Shawn: I didn’t wait. I didn’t wait for my decoder ring or my Frankenberry action figure when I was a kid. So what am I waiting for now? All I know is, I don’t want to miss out on the prize.
Juliet: What are you trying to say, Shawn?
Shawn: I… uh…. I don’t know.

Think Tank

1989

Henry: What are you doing?
Young Shawn: My book report.
Henry: Well how is that possible? Didn’t you just start this book like half an hour ago?
Young Shawn: Yeah. I read the flap and then the first chapter. Then I totally figured out the ending. So it’s cool.
Henry: Well how do you know that you’re right?
Young Shawn: Because you taught me how to draw conclusions.

Henry: Shawn, you know what you’re doing, don’t you?
Young Shawn: Yep. Banking a whole afternoon of video game time.
Henry: No. You’re operating on incomplete information. It’s sloppy. And one day you’re going to find yourself embarrassed by it.
Young Shawn: Dad, please. it’s pretty obvious to figure out what’s going to happen. Wilbur’s going to win the pig ribbon and he and Charlotte are going to live happily ever after.
Henry: Alright. I’ll tell you what. If you get an A on that report, I’m gonna take you to Disneyland. Good luck, kiddo.

Present Day

Henry: You’ve got to stop.
Shawn: I’ve made a pizza before. I know what I’m doing.
Henry: Shawn, you’ve got the wrong guy. He’s the only one in the world who couldn’t have possibly have done this. Did you even read the case file?
Shawn: Yeah, but it… Maybe the summary and part of the first sentence. Look, I don’t have time to read case files.

Walter Snowden (Bruce Davison): Hello. Walter Snowden. I’d like to introduce myself and say very impressive work.
Shawn: Thanks Walt. Shawn Spencer. This is my partner—
Walter Snowden: Burton Guster. Or should I say, Gee Buttersnaps. Or Lavender Goomps. Or Clementine Woollysocks perhaps.
Shawn: Wow. This guy really is a fan.
Gus: Fan or a stalker. Gee Buttersnaps was said on a secure military base with no one else around.
Walter Snowden: Let’s just say I’ve been following your work for quite awhile now.

Boyd: So a cell phone isn’t predictable enough but a poison is perfectly reliable. Is that what you’re saying?
Svetlana Progoyovic: I use skin contact. It’s as if I sneezed and then it’s, how do you say? Goodnight Charlie.
Shawn: Gus, how bad do you wish you were Charlie?
Gus: She is a killer, Shawn. She kills people.
Shawn: But how bad?
Gus: Real bad.

Gus: Over here, Shawn.
Shawn: Dude, this is kind of exciting. What’s behind there? {sees what’s behind there} It says Exit.
Gus: I know. We’re completely making fools of ourselves inside there, Shawn. We need to cut our loses and go home. This slump of yours is out of control.
Shawn: Look, I admit we’re having some early trouble, but that room is like kryptonite to my skills. It’s like neutralizing my weapons. I need to see things, I need to touch stuff.
Gus: Has it ever occurred to you that these are the exact kind of people that could figure out you’re not who you say you are?
Shawn: Come on, son!
Gus: Do not do Ed Lover me, Shawn.

Ashton Bonaventure (Chris Sarandon): What is the meaning of this interruption?
Shawn: Mr. Bonaventure. I believe that you will be in grave danger. And I believe that there will be an attempt made on your life.
Bonaventure: And how do you know that?
Shawn: Because I’m a psychic. I’m also an inventor. It’s a pillow that combs your hair when you sleep.

Shawn: Chief, I really don’t see the point in getting upset over spilled milk.
Chief Vick: Why would I be upset? The most powerful businessman in the state is the target of an assassination and one of my people helped plan it.
Shawn: Actually it was two. Gus was there as well.
Gus: Why would you say that?
Shawn: I just thought it would help cushion the blow if we distribute the blame.
Gus: Cushion who?
Shawn: Me mostly.

Lassiter: So as I understand it, the suspect offered all of you eighty-five hundred dollars a day. With the exception of Mr. Boyd who got ninety-five hundred.
Shawn: Woah. How come you got more?
Gus: Yeah. He tells the future.
Boyd: All you told us is the plot to Die Hard 3.
Shawn: Yeah, and that isn’t difficult to ascertain?

Gus: Hand to the head. Not working.
Shawn: I know. That’s why I’ve been adding sound effects.

Shawn: I am here to say that greed, for lack of a better word, is good. It’s right.. Greed works. Greed for life, for money, for love. For flan.

The Head, the Tail, the Whole Damn Episode

1989

Henry: Jaws IV?
Young Shawn: Yes, Jaws IV. It was terrifying.
Henry: Shawn, you have to understand why I’m conflicted here. It’s very difficult to comfort you over what is the worst sequel ever made.

Young Shawn: Do I watch for the fin?
Henry: No, that’s only in the movies. You never see them coming. That’s why they’re called the Silent Killers.
Young Shawn: I thought that was hypertension.

Present Day

Shawn: This is the thanks I get for giving you a cat and finding a guy to remove your Baha Men tattoo?
Buzz: Sorry guys. He’s really determined today.

Lassiter: Spencer, one loose end doesn’t make it foul play.
Shawn: It doesn’t?
Gus: How do you think we’ve stayed in business these last four years.
Shawn: But what if it does?

Shawn: We’re one in the same. We’re Shassie now. We’re Sharlton. We’re Spencer.
Lassiter: Oh my god.

Juliet: Make no mistake, this is definitely your fault.
Shawn: I’ve heard that. But I’m trying to figure out how.

Gus: Let me get this straight. You’re doing real police work and Lassiter is following a crazy hunch?
Shawn: Stranger things have happened.
Gus: Name one.
Shawn: Michelle Pfeiffer dated Fisher Stevens and then he actually cheated on her.

Henry: Did you just pretend to be a psychic? To me?
Shawn: Sorry. Force of habit.

Shawn: Is this really happening?
Gus: Yes. And I think your dad is totally in there.
Shawn: Oh please, Gus. Where is the decorum? He’s hitting on this poor woman in the middle of a crime scene.
Gus: Shawn, you did that three times in the last year.

Gus: Yeah, I need to get off this boat.
Shawn: Gus, don’t be Leon from the Like a Prayer video. Or anything for that matter.

Shawn: I know who the killer is?
Gus: Who?
Shawn: We’re on his boat.

Shawn: You know I don’t write the headlines but if I did I probably would have added, “and does so with foppish aplumb.”
Gus: You know that’s right.

Mr. Yin Presents…

1989

 

Present Day