The Greatest Adventure in the History of Basic Cable

Monday, 8:15 PM

Henry: Don’t say a word.
Shawn after some thought: Vergulous.
Henry: Shawn, I said no words.
Shawn: Oh, I see. Two weeks ago playing Scrabble, it’s not a word and now suddenly it is a word because it’s convenient for you.

Henry: I’ve been on the other side of this table a thousand times. You tell them only what they need to know.
Shawn: What do we say about Uncle Jack?
Henry: He’s not here, is he Shawn? Why don’t we take care of ourselves? We didn’t do anything wrong, we didn’t break any laws.
Shawn: Oh no.
Henry: Oh no what? What did you do, Shawn?
Shawn: Nothing! It’s just that the laws keep changing. It’s getting very challenging to keep up. Did you know for instance that it is now illegal to give a perm to a possum?
Henry: Shawn, did you or did you not break any laws?
Gus: We impersonated priests.
Shawn: We were professors!
Gus: We were priests, Shawn.

Chief Vick: Mr. Spencer, now by my estimation you may be in some serious trouble here, so I am going to ask you this once: where’s the gold?
Henry: It’s not quite as simple as that.
Shawn: Right. If we were to really answer that question we’d have to go back quite awhile.
Chief Vick: How long?
Shawn: About twenty years.

About Twenty Years Ago

Kid: Your dad’s awesome!
Young Shawn: I know.
Kid: I’m so glad my dad didn’t come. I mean I don’t even know what a manager of debt consolidation does anyways. Except drink.

Henry: What were you thinking?
Young Shawn: I don’t know. I just it would be cooler if Uncle Jack spoke.
Henry: Look class, I’m sorry to break this to you, but he’s not a real treasure hunter. And this is not real gold.
Jack (Steven Weber): Kids, my big brother Henry is absolutely right. This is not real gold. But it is real chocolate!

Sunday, 10:20 PM

Shawn: You keep a stun gun in the bird house? What’s under the garden gnome, an M-80? {Henry signals them} You want me to poke you in the eyes on the roof?

Shawn: Dude, a hose? Really? What were you gonna do, give him a high colonic?
Gus: Shut up, Shawn!
Jack: No no no no no, I get it. You bust in here, you blind them with water and then you make your move!

Jack: It seems like only yesterday I was bringing you kids to the track and we were betting the ponies.
Gus: I was the only eight-year-old kid who knew what a trifecta meant.

Jack: I guess you are wondering why I came back. {dramatic pause} I want you to help me find Bouchard’s treasure.
Henry: Come on, not that again, Jack. I hate to break it to you, little brother, but Bouchard’s treasure does not, has not and will not ever exist. It’s a pipe dream.
Shawn: Don’t listen to him, Uncle Jack. He’s a dream killer.
Jack: I understand his frustration. All those years listening to me drone on about the treasure thing, and not even a semblance of proof. I get it. One thing confuses me though. If it is just a figment of my imagination, {produces a map} where’d I get this?

Monday, 9:45 PM

Shawn: When are we going to find out the deal about the suit guy in there?
Lassiter: Let’s just get back to the story.

Juliet: I cant believe your uncle Jack actually had a treasure map.
Lassiter: I can’t believe you actually pretended your uncle was your dad.
Shawn: I wanted Gus’ dad to do it, but there was a geneaology issue I just couldn’t sort out.

Sunday, 11:15 PM

Shawn: Dad, he’s not a suspect.
Henry: Oh ho ho. Hes suspect all right.

Jack: Okay, now here’s the plan. Everything we find, we split fifty-fifty.
Gus: That’s after we donate most of it to a museum, right?
Jack: We are so going to do that, Gus.

Monday, 10:15 AM

Jack: Technically, there’s something I haven’t told you about the whole map.
Shawn: Uncle Jack! This is a pretty big thing to leave out!
Jack: Yeah, I know, I know. It’s a long story. A one-legged woman, bottle of Cutty Sark. The point is, the missing part of the map is the first step of the hunt.

Shawn: Where did you hide that clue, you old syphilitic sea dog?

Tuesday, 2:30 AM

Chief Vick: Mr. Spencer, let me be frank.
Shawn: As long as I can be Dean and Gus can be Sammy.
Gus: Why do I have to be Sammy?
Shawn: Fine. He’s Sammy. That makes you Joey Bishop. Is that what you really want? Do you want to be Joey Bishop?
Juliet: Shawn—
Shawn: I’m sorry, Jules. How often does someone set you up with “Let me be Frank”?

Monday, 2:00 PM

Shawn: I don’t know where you guys went to partner college, but I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to shoot at your partners.

Lassiter: Hold it. So you just gave them the map and told them everything?
Shawn: No, not everything. {Gus smacks him} Okay. Everything.
Lassiter: So they found the treasure?
Shawn: Not exactly. Okay. I may have psychically lead them down the wrong path. The spirit world is just one of life’s little mysteries. Like why the Oxygen Network carries Goodfellas or why fools fall in love.

Chief Vick: Here you go, Mr. Guster. This is all they had in lost and found in your size.
Gus: An Ugg boot? I can’t wear an Ugg boot with— {she glares at him} It’ll be dope with my one Puma.

Chief Vick: Now, Mr. Spencer—
Shawn and Henry: Yes.
Chief Vick: Oh, I meant the older— Sorry. Not old. Less—
Shawn: Handsome. Less hair? Less friends on Facebook?
Henry: Less nose.
Shawn: Oow!

Gus: Redial again. And this time try to dial the right number!
Shawn: Look man, I’m dialing with a ten-year-old Erasermate in my mouth. It’s not an exact science.

Lassiter: Spencer, are you going to answer my question or not. How did your dad know where to find you?
Shawn: With some people I can communicate with psychic wavelengths. My father is one of them. Val Kilmer is another.

Monday, 4:15 PM

Mark: Okay, guys. ready? Now all we gotta do is borrow a car. Now technically, the term is “hot wiring.” However—

Monday, 5:00 PM

Henry: What are we doing up here, Shawn?
Shawn: I’m not sure yet. That’s part of the fun.

Shawn: If I were a French pirate with a bad temper and at least one venereal disease, where would I be looking?

Shawn: I know this probably isn’t the right time to say this, but dude! I think we’re gonna get to ride in a helicopter.

Tuesday Morning, Right Now.

Andres Candelaria: Hello Mr. Spencer. I believe you know why you are here.
Shawn: And I believe you know I know why I’m here. Now. Why am I here?
Andres Candelaria: To help us find the treasure.

Shawn: The spirits are guiding my man palms! It’s like the movie Idle Hands except with no nudity, which means I must be completely unwatchable right now!

Henry: We used to roust punks from drinking in there all the time.
Shawn: “Roust punks”? Thank you, Jack Lord.

Shawn: In Argentina, Ché is slang for buddy or pal. Sort of like I call you Blackstar or Homeskillet or Big Baby Burton.
Gus: Don’t ever call me homeskillet.
Shawn: Right.
Gus: But why didn’t you tell anybody?
Shawn: I did. She knew just what to do. {Andres is not real. Follow us. You smell nice.}

Henry: I still can’t believe that he got away with the gold! You gotta think that some day allthis stuff is going to catch up with him though.
Shawn: Yeah. And that day might just be today. {he lays down some gold}.
Henry: Does Gus know about this?
Shawn: Oh yeah. He’s got the rest of it. Don’t worry, we’re donating it to the museum.
Henry: All of it?
Shawn: Ish.