Keen Eddie Season 1

Season 1

2003.06.03    

Colin Salmon  Julian Rhind-Tutt  Mark Valley  Rachael Buckley  Sienna Miller

Pilot

London, England

Detective Eddie Arlette (Mark Valley): This blindfold smells funny.
Kidnapper: That’s one of my socks.

New York City (two weeks earlier)

Eddie: Looks like it’s just you and me, Pete.

Eddie: Eddie Arlette
Marylyn: Did I wake you?
Eddie: No. I was just closing my eyes. You stood me up. You have an aversion to Chinese food?
Marylyn: I couldn’t get away. If you want me to show you what you want to see, it has to be the right time.
Eddie: Yeah. Well when’s it going to be the right time?
Marylyn: Now.

Marylyn about the operation: I was just saying how safe it is.
Rudy: Oh yes. No need to worry on that score. Friends in high places, if you know what I mean.
Eddie: That’s what I like to hear.
Rudy: It’s that kind of security that keeps our customers coming back for more. Aside from the obvious fact that our oxycodone is the best out there. Twice the potency of regular powders!

Jonah Rosenthal: Are you saying that after seven months of hard work, when I kick those doors down tomorrow there’s not going to be any OC?
Eddie: Listen, these guys are loaded up and they’re ready to sail from a different location, way across town. A location I have just come from. I’ve seen it. By the time you realize what’s going on they’ll be long gone. You gotta move your operation.
Jonah Rosenthal: Who’s your source?
Eddie: Someone who trusts me. Someone who needs me. Believe me, that feels pretty good right now.

Eddie: Remember when you gave me these?
Jonah Rosenthal: I thought these were stapled to your Lexington Avenue.
Eddie: Yeah. They were. But Eddie’s Manhattan is no more. You gave those to me the night that you talked me out of blowing off my police exams. That was the first brick in Eddie’s Manhattan. You were the one who believed in me. You were the one who bet on the right horse.
Jonah Rosenthal on the phone: Yeah Benny, it’s me. Drop what you’re doing get down to the office, start calling people in.

Jonah: They really got to you, Eddie. I don’t even know what drawer to file this in. Look at this. Take a look at these, Eddie. See those Eddie? Those are messages. Take a look at that. Look at those messages, Eddie. And those are just the ones without profanity.
Eddie: I’m going to tender my resignation.
Jonah: Why should I accept it, Eddie? Why should I let you off the hook so easy?
Fed: I’ll give you a reason, sir. His credibility is shot. I mean do you have any idea what a fool this man I—
Eddie: Thanks for clearing that up.
Fed2: I got this Eddie. See most first-time users can’t afford heroin. So they turn to overdosing on oxycodone. Misused, it’s twice an addictive and deadly. Eddie has just personally facilitated Europe’s street supply for about a year.
Jonah: You’re going to London, Eddie.
Eddie: Why?
Jonah: Because you’re the only one who’s met and can I.D. this brunette and, more importantly, Eddie, the chemist!
Eddie: C’mon, Jonah. I—
Jonah: Sit down Eddie! Any questions Eddie?
Eddie: How do you think your wife would like a dog?

Eddie: The lease for the rental agreement that was faxed to me is in here. My friend Jonah’s wife is friends with the owner of the apartment.
Fiona: Yeah, that’s my mother.
And we usually do lease out the apartment when I am in school but obviously there has been a mistake. The apartment is not for sublet as thought because I am not in school, am I?
Eddie: What’s wrong with this thing? I have the wrong suitcase.
Fiona: You have to call the travel agent.
Eddie: I have to call the airport.
Fiona: You have to find a hotel.

Superintendent Nathaniel Johnson: As per my conversation with District Attorney Rosenthal, we will be assigning Detective Inspector Pippin to assist in this investigation. I should think he will prove invaluable throughout your short stay.
Eddie: This guy, right here?

Audry: You know what, Eddie? You have a lot of the same energies as Steve McQueen.
Kiki: I completely agree.

Eddie: Hey. I’m Eddie. So how do you like me so far?

Fishy: …and that’s what happened.
Rudy: Yeah, but the question is, what are we doing here, in this place?
Fishy: Well this is the only place with a meat separating machine I could find within a 200 mile radius, Rudy. It’s all I could find.
Rudy: Fishy, why do we need a meat separating machine?
Fishy: You said square him.
Rudy: I said “scare him”. I said, “Scare him away”. Fishy, you idiot. Why would I want to square him? I mean do I look like Hannibal Lecter? Eddie laughs. Now you, you are just making matters much worse for yourself.
Eddie: Don’t underestimate your team Rudy, it’s not possible. It couldn’t get any worse than this, even if you do stuff me in the cow blender.
Bernard: He doesn’t want to go in the meat separating machine. He’s just trying to trick us. He’s a cop, he is.
Fishy: From New York.
Eddie: Rudy you might just want to jump in here right after me. If not, I’d think about getting rid of this guy. He’s starting to cramp your style a little bit.
Rudy: Yes well, unfortunately he just happens to be my brother.
Eddie: Then you got problems.
Rudy: You know, I’m surprised to see you here. I mean, fair enough, much bigger cockles than I would have bet on.
Eddie: Why don’t you just give me the name of your boss. Then we can start to put this whole thing behind us, huh?
Rudy: Go home Eddie. We don’t like your type around here.

DI Pippin: You’re a ten? You’re a ten, aren’t you.
Eddie: They’re wet.
DI Pippin: Yeah, they’re Happy Pritchard’s. One of our snitches. They’ve been in the river for a couple of days. Best I could do.
Eddie: Sure he’s not going to mind?
DI Pippin: Naw, he won’t mind. He was in them. Pity. Dead. Not so happy now I’d imagine. Never mind, we got the boots. What?
Eddie: Nothing. You’re perfectly normal.
DI Pippin: What’s that supposed to mean?
Eddie: You’re like this walking shell game—kind of difficult to get a bead on. ‘Cause everything you do contradicts something that you’ve already done. Now it’s interesting, it’s intriguing. But it’s just not normal.

Fiona: Camilla’s French, Eddie. She’s immune to your insincerities.
Eddie: I’m very sincere.

Eddie: Do you know how much a New York City police detective makes in a year?
Fiona: No.
Eddie: Let me tell you, it’s not enough.
Fiona: Oh it’s noble to serve and protect, as I recall. It’s not my fault that you chose that profession. It’s not my fault that they’d have you.
Eddie: That’s very droll. Did you learn that in college? Oh, I forgot! You don’t go to college. Of course your mother she must have forgotten too. Otherwise she wouldn’t be under the false impression you’re off seeding academic fields somewhere. Unless you didn’t tell her.
Fiona: What do you want?
Eddie: The real estate company. They cashed my non-refundable deposit check. Now it may not seem like a lot of money to you but to me I’m looking at the wrong end of a very expensive city. Just today I forked out over ten grams for breakfast for me and my partner. All I had was this cup of tea.
Fiona: Pounds. Currency in England is pounds.
Eddie: Whatever! It had a picture of the queen and a ten on it. I don’t have many of those left. What I do have is a lot of these coins, seem to work the phones pretty good. You know, just in case you should want to call your mom, straighten this whole thing out. You get my point?
Fiona: Right in the eye.
Eddie: See you at home.

Customs: A police dog?
Pippin: Oh yeah. Yeah. New York police department.
Customs: Drugs?
Eddie: No, I’m clean.
Customs: The dog. The dog sniffs drugs?
Eddie: Oh. Yeah. I mean he’s not addicted or—
Pippin: Yeah, he’s got it, he’s got it. He knows what you meant.

Eddie: You’re in your housecoat.
Fiona: Me? Yes. And I’m engaged in an emergency at present. I have come to buy a screwdriver.
Eddie: A screwdriver.
Fiona: Yes, that’s correct.
Eddie: Why?
Fiona: Because your dog is using my cat as a shag toy!

Eddie: So you’re saying that Pete snuck in there so he could lock you out and have sex with that cat?
Fiona: Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying. You don’t believe me.
Eddie: Well, yes, he’s done it before. I just thought that he’d broken the habit. But don’t worry, Pete’s fixed.
Fiona: She’s a cat, Eddie! A different species altogether, but that fact doesn’t seem to be slowing him down now does it?
Eddie: Pete’s not too particular but he’s usually pretty quick.
Fiona: Well you know what they say. Pets resemble their owners.

SI Johnson: Congratulations, Detective Arlette. You’ve travelled thousands of miles to London. To arrest an actor who couldn’t get arrested.

Rudy: As much strife as I’ve caused you, being an integral part of the undoing of Eddie Arlette, if you ask me I’d do it all again to bury my wife where she willed.

Even in darkness a keen spirit discovers light.

SI Johnson: I’m beginning to understand you, Detective Arlette. For example, when I ask you to proceed with caution and respect I now understand that to you means “when conveniently possible.” There’s an office with a far better view than this one. From the Commander’s office you can see for miles. You can watch every little detail and manage them as you see fit. I want that office. I think you can help me get there.
Eddie: I’m not sure I follow.
SI Johnson: I’m not sure I like you. But I like results.

Eddie: Did he just offer me a job?
Pippin: D’you know, I think he did.
Eddie: Is he gay?
Pippin: No. I think he’s just going places.

Jonah: All I hear is people talking about Eddie Arlette. The mayor was just in here.
Eddie: Yeah, you say it like it’s the first time.
Jonah: It’s the first time he’s mentioned your name without a swear word.

Jonah: Hey Eddie.
Eddie: Yeah?
Jonah: I bet on the right horse.

Horse Heir

Keeping Up Appearances

Citizen Cecil

Who Wants to Be in a Club That would Have Me as a Member?

Sucker Punch

Black Like Me

Inciting Incident

Achtung Baby

The Amazing Larry Dunn

Sticky Fingers

Eddie Loves Baseball

Liberté, Egalité, Fraternité