Gossip Girl: Spotted at Mood: Jenny Humphrey buying 16 yards of tulle. But since when does Eleanor Waldorf pay for her purchases with a penny jar? They say a stitch in time saves nine. Will it save Little J?
Aaron Rose (John Patrick Amedori): Hello.
Serena: Hey. Um, what are you doing here?
Aaron: I just had a meeting with a collector. So did you figure out—
Serena: Cecil the Caterpillar. Camp Suisse. We got married and exchanged licorice rings.
Aaron: And you ate yours five minutes after the ceremony. When did you finally remember?
Serena: Um, about the time you were speeding away with a girl on the back of your motorcycle.
Aaron: Audra. Yeah, she’s a friend. No, I recognized you the moment you walked into the gallery.
Serena: No, you didn’t. But that’s okay.
Aaron: Some faces you don’t forget.
Gossip Girl: I spy with my little lie. Someone getting busted.
Emma Boardman (Stella Maeve): Is my mom gone?
Blair: Yes. So what kind of movies do you like? Something where the animals sing, or— see the outfit. Oh sweet heaven.
Emma: So. Muffy McDonough’s been bragging about how she’s going to lose her virginity because she finally landed a date with the lacrosse captain. They call him the De-Virginator.
Blair: Oh my god. Stop your mouth from moving.
Emma: But now that I have the night away from mom and dad, we’ll see who’s first. I’m saying TTFN to my you-know-what.
Blair: Or maybe we’ll see how your mom feels about your little clearance sale, Lohan.
Gossip Girl: Rumor has it that Lady B’s been outfoxed by a young fox. It seems only one ivory tower is being stormed tonight.
Blair: Well, you finally did it. Made absolutely sure I’m never going to get into Yale.
Serena: What are you talking about?
Blair: Little Emma? Turns out she’s less Holly Hobby and more Jenna Jameson.
Serena: Can you speak plainly?
Serena: She’s determined to become a woman on my watch. And if I don’t help pimp her she’s going to character assassinate me to the dean.
Serena: I don’t understand. I thought she liked ice cream and magic.
Blair: Next time leave the scheming to the experts. What are those?
Serena: Pictures from Camp Suisse. Aaron dressed up as Cecil the Caterpillar. I bumped into him outside The Palace.
Blair: The guy gave you a ring pop when you were six. Move on.
Serena: It was licorice and I was eight.
Blair: Ancient. Unimportant. History.
Chuck: Well. What do we have here? Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Chuck.
Emma: Bass. Oh my god. I read about you on Gossip Girl. You’re like the Devil.
Chuck: Finally. Some truth in advertising. Headed out, are we?
Emma: Serena, Blair and I are going to the Gala. Hope you’re coming.
Chuck: Well I’m all for company on a Saturday night but the only thing I like that aged is my Scotch.
Agnes: Why do you keep eating those pot brownies, man? You know that sugar makes you spazz.
Gossip Girl: Spotted: Bass taking the bait. Jailbait, that is.
Chuck: Kittens, please. I found her table.
Blair: You’re behind the plot, Bass. She already left.
Chuck: The bartender says she’s in the corner booth.
Blair: E. Boardman. Elizabeth. That’s not Emma. That’s her mother.
Serena: And that’s not her father.
Gossip Girl: It seems the saying’s true. Like mother, like daughter. Or is it the other way around?
Gossip Girl: Spotted at The Palace: Nate Archibald and Little J. We hear Lonely Boy’s BFF still carries a torch for Nate. If she finds out about Little Sister, wonder who’ll get burnt?
Rufus: C’mon, you gotta be kidding me! You’re letting the Mr. Softee truck pass us?
Dan: I’m gonna go look for Nate. He’s taller and easier to spot.
Chuck: So Humbert Humbert’s name is Serge Gromance. His father plays tennis at the club. I know where his building is. Let’s go.
Blair: I’m going over there.
Serena: I’m late for the Gala. My mom’s texting me. Look, do whatever you want, Blair. But please, save Emma first.
Blair: Fine. We’ll save Little Red Riding Hood from the Big Bad Wolf. But after that it’s “Bulldog! Bulldog! Rah rah rah!”
Gossip Girl: Looks like it’s bros before hos with Little J. Who knew that when her loyalty kicked in Nate would be kicked out.
Blair: You still don’t get it. Having sex for the first time shouldn’t be part of a competition to beat Muffy the Lacrosstitute. It should be with someone you love.
Emma: Was your first time with someone you love?
Blair: Yes. It was. And honestly? There are better ways of getting your mother’s attention.
Emma: I told you, this is about Muffy.
Blair: Please. I wrote the book on distracted, self-centered mothers. My mom has never met a single one of my teachers. She regularly forgets my birthday. And she only comments on my appearance when she has something to criticize.
Emma: But you’re perfect.
Blair: True. But that’s why I finally realized it wasn’t about me. The same way it’s not about you.
Blair: Mrs. Boardman, before you say anything you’ll regret—
Elizabeth Boardman (Patricia Kalember): What was your plan? Take my daughter clubbing and hope she’d plead your case to the Dean? I have some bad news for you, Miss Waldorf. From what I’ve seen, you’re not Yale material.
Blair: Oh you haven’t seen anything yet. Tell me, did you have a nice time with your Bryn Mawr friends?
Elizabeth: What is that supposed to mean?
Blair: Here. Let me lend you my phone. You’ll be needing it to make a call to New Haven.
Emma: Mom, this isn’t Blair’s fault—
Elizabeth: I told you to go to bed!
Emma: Blair was only trying to help me.
Elizabeth: You’re lecturing me? No wonder I don’t want to spend time with you. Bed! Right now! You were saying?
Blair: Just. Your daughter’s a great girl. You should pay more attention to her. Soon it’ll be too late.
Gossip Girl: Poor Jenny. All that glamour almost led to the slammer. But what will the morning bring?
Serena: B, it’s time to get up. There are other schools besides Yale. Like Princeton.
Blair: Princeton is a trade school. There’s only Yale.
Serena: Well I’m proud of you for not succumbing to your baser instincts. Hey, even though you might not get into Yale at least you won’t go to Hell.