Gossip Girl: Under Construction
Blair: I don’t understand. How can Gossip Girl be down my first day at Columbia?
Dorota: Maybe Gossip Girl get kidnapped. Unstable ex-boyfriend lock internet—
Blair: Dorota! What did I tell you? No more watching Law and Order: SVU while you’re breastfeeding. No, unlike those plebeians at NYU the students at Columbia actually respect and understand the power of Gossip Girl. But how is my first day supposed to matter if Gossip Girl isn’t around to tell people it does?
Eric: Still nothing.
Serena: Good. I forgot how exciting the first day of school can be. New fall wardrobe, fresh slate. The fact that Gossip Girl isn’t around to stir up trouble only makes it that much more perfect.
Eric: Or she could be planning something big for your first day. After all the site says Under Construction, not Out of Service.
Eva: So if you really are the big boss like you say can you make it so that no one comes up here and disturbs us?
Chuck: I already made the call.
Blair: The good thing about no Gossip Girl: no Chuck. What about you? You’re the one who has to start college with an ex-boyfriend loose on campus.
Serena: Oh there won’t be any issues. Nate and I are still friends even if he is dating some gorgeous blonde named Juliet.
Blair: Oh, please. You are Serena van der Woodsen. We’ve been on campus what, five minutes? I bet there’s already a frat house filled with guys fighting over you. And don’t worry, my jealousy issues are as over as… surf fabrics for evening wear. And besides, we’re carrying on our divide and conquer strategy from Paris.
Serena: But where will our neutral meeting ground be? Hot & Crusty will not possibly do after Café Louie Phillippe.
Blair: But Hamilton House will.
Serena: So they do have a Columbia chapter. You know I always suspected that Nate was a member but he would never fess up.
Blair: He was right not to. Their membership is so restrictive it makes SoHo House look like a halfway house.
Serena: So then how do we apply?
Blair: We don’t. Incoming students are selected by an anonymous board of alumni. If you dare to think you were chosen you have to find the keymaster on the first day of class. Either a key or white hot shame awaits you.
Rufus: I’m dreading this. As much as the truth might be a relief it’s also the toughest thing he’ll ever have to face.
Lily: Well just be prepared. Who knows how he’ll react. He may not even believe you.
Rufus: Genetics don’t lie, even though some doctors who administer paternity tests do.
Eva: Everything’s so different. I keep wanting to call him Henry.
Chuck: It’s a long story, but it has a happy ending.
Nate: So Henry. Why do I get the impression you might not have told her your whole life story?
Penelope (Amanda Setton): Sorry, but this is a private club. No has-beens allowed.
Serena: Penelope. Good to see you too. Long time.
Blair: Clearly standards have slipped if you’re a member here. To whom should I speak to have you removed once we get our keys?
Penelope: The wall. My great aunt. She was a founding member.
Blair: Ah. Nepotism. That explains it. Now if you don’t mind, could you direct me to the keymaster. Then get me some cashews. I’m famished.
Gossip Girl: Sorry for the silent treatment, Gossips. But everyone needs the occasional R and R, even yours truly. Lucky for you I observed a sacred Upper East Side tradition and had a little work done while I was gone. [I hope you like my new look]. Now, enough with the pleasantries. Time for the dirt. I spy with my many eyes Chuck Bass returning from Paris yesterday with a pretty new fall accessory. But if she’s the kind of girl you take home to meet your step-mother, why is Chuck visiting Lily solo?
Gossip Girl: Also spotted: Lonely Boy’s baby mama, looking like one hot mama on the beach in St. Bart’s. If she’s flown the coop, who’s cleaning up her baby’s poop?
Gossip Girl: And what about Serena and Blair? It seems our girls have started their college careers with a social call to Hamilton House. But if B is the one holding the key to the kingdom, guess Serena is out in the cold.
Chuck: I’m sorry for what happened with Jenny. She was in a bad place; I could have helped her, instead I just used her pain for my own self-destruction.
Lily: Thank you for the apology. And welcome home. Please don’t disappear again.
Chuck: I don’t intend to. I just hope everyone’s as relieved to see me as you are.
Lily: Well let’s not ask for too much right off the bat, shall we?
Lily: You have every right to be upset with him, but we can’t undo what’s already been done. He’s trying to make amends—take responsibility. What else is there? He met this woman who’s had a big impact on him. You can see for yourself how much. I invited them to the party tomorrow night. And I would appreciate if you would just give them both a chance.
Rufus: Well, Jenny keeps telling me it wasn’t his fault. Maybe it’s time I believed her.
Eva: Blair, I don’t want to hurt you in any way.
Blair: Oh, you’re the one that’s going to end up getting hurt, ma pêche, and not by me. Chuck will soon realize that it doesn’t matter if the dress is couture if the girl is off the rack. And then as with all things that don’t fit, you’ll be sent back to where you came from.
Vanessa (Jessica Szohr): And the only thing we know about Georgina’s whereabouts is that she’s in St. Barts.
Dan: I called every resort I could find. There is no Georgina Sparks staying at any of them. She could have moved to a different island by now, she could be staying under a different name, I don’t know, but she took everything, Vanessa. She took her passport. She’s gone. She left Milo and I don’t think she’s coming back.
Gossip Girl: Spotted: B holding court at Hamilton House. Don’t worry, S. It’s not your party but you can cry if you want to.
Blair: Were we supposed to meet up?
Serena: Last night we were but according to Gossip Girl you had a better offer.
Blair: I’m sorry.
Serena: B, it’s okay. I know you’re going to have house events. You just don’t need to cover it up.
Blair: I know. I was just drunk on gin and attention.
Blair: This isn’t a conspiracy, Serena. Face it. Hamilton House just didn’t want you.
Serena: Did you just get a key?
Yep. And my mom said I’d never get in unless I lost ten pounds. Hm. She’s a bitch.
Eva: Yesterday, after you left me at the shop I ran into Blair.
Chuck: Let me guess. She took one look at you—radiant in a beautiful gown—and started shredding the dress and your self esteem.
Eva: Some of what she said made sense.
Chuck: That’s Blair. She wouldn’t waste a breath throwing insults if she didn’t think they’d land.
Gossip Girl: They say old habits die hard, but when it comes to Serena and Blair, old jealousies die harder.
Vanessa: If Ted Danson and Tom Selleck can do it, so can we. Right?
Dan: As long as it doesn’t make me Guttenberg.
Penelope: Finally. Nothing makes it a party like a Serena-Blair Showdown. Prepare your cellphones, ladies.
Serena: I learned a lot about the issues.
Blair: Oh you mean the Daddy issues.
Serena: Oh, like you’re so healthy. “I love Chuck, I hate Chuck, I love Chuck, I hate—”
Blair: Oh, and who do you love? Nate then Dan then Dan again. Aaron, Gabriel, Carter, Trip. Then Dan again. Then Nate again. Did your father finally fix that because he seemed pretty good at giving your mom fake cancer.
Gossip Girl: Spotted: S and B discovering the joys of filmmaking. Smile for your close-up, Juliet.
Dan: Well you don’t really have the Humphrey jaw, but my name’s on your birth certificate. So I’m gonna be your dad. Vanessa’s going to be here. Which means you’ll probably be the only kid in preschool who’s seen The Battleship Potemkin more times than Finding Nemo.
Blair: Admittedly your ploy to blame me for Serena not getting into Hamilton House would have worked in high school, but not now.
Serena: Did you really think I would believe you over Blair?
Juliet: I don’t know what you’re talking about. Or what just happened here.
Blair: We had Dorota film us earlier. Gossip Girl played it as a favor. She prefers to be the only one screwing with us.
Juliet: Whatever twisted frenemy-slash-ex-boyfriend situation you have going on, Serena, it has nothing to do with me. I told you that the alumni committee makes the decisions—
Serena: You seriously thought we wouldn’t know anyone on the committee?
Juliet: You can’t. That’s the secret part of a secret committee.
Lily: Unless the keymaster misbehaves. Half of the board members of Bass Industries are alumni. One phonecall confirmed the obvious. That Serena has always been at the top of the list. Congratulations darling. to Juliet: Key please.
Dan: I’m truly glad that you’ve gotten your priorities straightened out here, but there is no way that I’m letting you take this child.
Georgina (Michelle Trachtenberg): I’m sorry Dan, but it’s not your choice. He’s not your son.
Lily: I love you Charles. And if Eva is everything you say she is, I think she will too.
Chuck: Please let me explain.
Eva: There’s nothing to say. I told you this would happen.
Chuck: It wasn’t you I was ashamed of, it was me.
Eva: What do you have to been ashamed of?
Chuck: Everything I did until the day I met you. Look, I should have told you about my past but I couldn’t risk losing you.
Eva: Well I’m going now. So tell me, who the hell are you, Chuck Bass?
Gossip Girl: Sometimes you just have to come clean. No matter how many dirty secrets come out.
Chuck: You didn’t leave.
Eva: I’m not going to lie. It was hard to hear the things you’ve done. But I’ve seen the man you can be. I choose to believe in that man.
Chuck: Come on, let’s meet my family.
Juliet: Some advice: don’t get into a fight at a party you helped organize.
Serena: So how was it seeing Chuck with Eva?
Blair: Harder than I expected. But at least he’s not going to Columbia. No offense.
Serena: Yeah, I guess I just didn’t expect Nate to be so mad at me.
Blair: I thought the only thing he got upset about was a badly rolled joint.
Gossip Girl: Rumor has it S and B changed their relationship status from besties to roomies.
Gossip Girl: Friends or lovers, moving in is risky business. anytime the rules changed, you don’t know how they’ll change you. We take the risk because the payoff can be so great. But the truth is, we never truly know who we’re living with. Or the company they keep. Better watch out, kids. Trouble’s moving in and it’s looking to make the Upper East Side its bitch. XOXO