Gossip Girl: Spotted: Dan and Blair exiting Sant Ambroeus with espresso doppio for two. But we hear it’s not the caffeine that’s got them talking a mile a minute. It’s a mission.
Dan: So. Juliet dressed up like Serena at Saints & Sinners to destroy her relationships with me and Nate.
Blair: And enlist Vanessa and Jenny to mess with me.
Dan: Which is devious and pathetic, but let’s face it, around here it’s just another Saturday night.
Blair: Well you can’t show up at a masked ball and not expect at least one social climbing doppelganger to try and impersonate you.
Dan: But then, according to Jenny, Juliet posted a photo of herself as Serena doing coke.
Blair: And for that she will be judged by a higher power. But we—
Dan: We’ve seen worse.
Blair: Well I was going to say “done worse,” but. Yes.
Dan: Okay, but then— Serena wakes up in a hotel room after almost OD’ing.
Blair: And that is where the Juliet Express goes off the rails and heads straight for crazy town.
Dan: The next thing we know, Serena wakes up, insists she didn’t go on a bender.
Blair: But then the photo shows up online and she starts to doubt herself and checks herself into the Ostroff. Which brings us up to the present.
Dan: The thing we need to figure out is why. I mean, Colin, Nate, Hamilton House—none of that explains taking things so far.
Blair: Well as someone well-acquainted with the darker human emotions, let me offer my theory. There is only one motive powerful enough to fuel a gaslighting like this and that is retribution.
Dan: Retribution for what?
Eric: I know I’ve already said this but I’m really proud of you and so is mom.
Serena: Is that why she’s here to tell me herself? Do I even want to know where she is?
Eric: She and Chuck are meeting with a reporter from The Post this morning. Some profile on Bass Industries.
Serena: Oh, The Post. Because they have such award-winning business coverage.
Eric: Don’t tell me you detect a whiff of eau de damage control?
Serena: Mom’s classic scent. Brings back the fondest memories of childhood.
Eric: I’m way ahead of you there, but when I confronted her about it she didn’t deny it. Bass Industries is a family-run company. And like it or not, what the family does affects what people think about it.
Serena: I know I’ve put her in a tough position. But please promise me that you’ll try to keep her honest about where I am and what’s going on. No stories about Aunt Carols in Miami like when you were here.
Eric: I am on it. Although that Marlins jersey that Bart Bass bought me that year for Christmas would look great on you.
Blair: What do you mean, “no visitors”? I don’t think you realize who were are.
Dan: Who she thinks she is, is more like it. Look, I’m family. I’m Serena’s brother— or, step-brother technically, which I do mostly try to put out of my mind seeing as we dated pretty seriously—
Blair: Humphrey, they treat people in here for less serious complexes than that. Do you want to get committed? I’ll just call her. I’m sure that we’re on her list.
Eric: There is no list. And her phone is locked away in a drawer somewhere. Look, Serena’s doctor recommended that she start her treatment with 72 hours no contact. That includes me, my mom and you guys.
Dan: No, but Serena doesn’t need to be here. Juliet was behind everything.
Blair: And we have some questions for her.
Eric: Whatever screwy series of events got her in the front door, she’s here now. And she’s getting the help she’s probably needed for a long time, so… whatever you’re up to, you need to do it without Serena.
Nate: Looks like someone’s going to have a busy holiday season.
Anne Archibald (Francie Swift): Unfortunately they’re all followed up by a polite phone call asking if your father will be attending.
Anne: Or in the case of Lily’s holiday party for Bass Industries, a hand-written note saying she hopes I understand.
Nate: Wow. I guess I always thought the Mean Girls got a little nicer once they grew up and had kids of their own.
Anne: Quite the opposite, I’m afraid.
Nate: So I really appreciate everything you’ve been doing for Dad, and I, you know, wanted to make sure he deserves the chance you’re giving him. So I called our business manager and asked if Dad had been in contact—made any plans for when he got out.
Anne: Please tell me he didn’t book a one-way flight to the Caribbean.
Nate: No, but he did ask about leasing a house outside the city.
Anne: Why wasn’t I told about this?
Nate: He wanted to tell you. Dad begged him not to say anything… alright, he said you’d find out soon enough— it was supposed to be a surprise.
Anne: I wish I was surprised. So he uses our address to get paroled and uses my money to get his own place. Same old Howard.
Nate: I’m sorry Mom.
Blair: We can’t do nothing for three days. Who knows how far Juliet could get in that time.
Dan: Yeah, I think we just gotta tell my dad and Lily. What Juliet did with these pills is against the law.
Blair: Police and parents. Of course that’s your plan, Humphrey. Or we could sneak in to see Serena. That receptionist got a pretty good look at me but maybe with a wig.
Dan: That’s your plan? Disguises and accents?
Blair: I never said anything about accents. Can you do any?
Dan: Now look, Eric is right. We need to leave Serena out of this and just find Juliet on our own.
Blair: Well Colin is her cousin. We could track him down at whatever economic summit he’s at this week.
Dan: Nate dated her.
Blair: My minions knew her for a whole year before we showed up.
Dan: Or… there is someone who seems to know everything. About everyone.
Blair: Besides me, who? Gossip Girl? She’s not a ouija board, Humphrey. You can’t just ask “Where’s Juliet” and expect her to point you in the right direction.
Dan: Maybe you can. Look, think about it. You and Serena are her people, not Juliet. And Serena really could have been hurt. Plus I’m sure she’s furious that Juliet sent in that fake photo. Does she even know that it’s fake?
Dan: This is excruciating. What if she doesn’t respond and all we’re doing is wasting valuable time?
Blair: Our time is not that valuable. Until we know where Juliet is we don’t know whether we need to charter a jet or if your Metrocard will suffice for our journey.
Gossip Girl: 252 Cornice Avenue. Find the bitch.
Gossip Girl: Buckle up, kids. Looks like this unholy alliance is hitting the road.
Counselor (Amanda Warren): Serena, help me understand. Are you upset because of what you did or because you can’t remember it?
Serena: Both. And neither. If you saw a photo of yourself on the internet doing cocaine what would you think?
Counselor: I wouldn’t know what to think. I would never do that.
Serena: Exactly. But with me I can’t be too sure. I may not remember kissing Dan and Nate or crossing Blair, but…. You know, this wouldn’t be the first time I’ve been with two guys in one night or betrayed my best friend.
Blair: Is the pedal to the metal? Because I swear if I shove my feet through the floor I could run faster. At least there’s no radio so I’m spared your horrid taste in music. I think we were supposed to turn there.
Dan: You know I’d tell you to stop being such a back seat driver but how can you be one when you don’t even know how to drive.
Blair: I offered to get us a car service. Professional driver, comfortable seats, champagne!
Dan: We’re on a mission here.
Dan: First, my dad swapped a ’69 Les Paul for this car. It’s a collectors item. Second, it was either this or the Lincoln Hawk van which, all I’m saying has graphics.
Blair: Fine. We should almost be there. Let me just consult the GPS. Oh wait. That’s me.
Lily: Oh my god, that was punishing.
Chuck: I think my face actually hurts from smiling so much. Drink?
Lily: Please. It’s barely after noon but we’ve earned it.
Chuck: Serena only came up once.
Lily: Yes, and I kept my promise to Eric to tell the truth. She is exhausted. I know I am.
Dan: I’m not sure what’s supposed to happen right now. If she really is in there, what’s our plan? I mean what are we going to do, we’re just gonna march up to her and… pull her hair?
Blair: For starters.
Blair about the “I Heart Balls” guy: Oh. At least he’s owning it.
Nate: I found out about the Rhinebeck House, Dad. You couldn’t even wait two weeks before you started spending her money?
Nate: I’m sorry. I might have—
Howard Archibald (Sam Robards): Jumped to conclusions? Pretty quickly too.
Nate: No, you’re right. I guess this transition’s going to be harder than we thought. I’ll talk to mom.
Howard: Don’t bother. I guess you’re not the only one who assumed I was incapable of doing something nice. I was kidding myself. Two of us alone in the country—the two of us together at all? It’s been over for a long time.
Damien (Kevin Zegers): Whatever this is, I’m not getting involved.
Dan: Well if you sold drugs to Juliet then you already are.
Blair: It was bad. Serena ended up in the hospital. And she says she didn’t do it to herself.
Damien: Is she okay?
Dan: She will be.
Damien: Look, Juliet made a pretty big buy, alright? She bought pills, coke, even some ether. I assumed she was throwing a party for those sorority girls at Whatever House.
Damien: It’s like a turn-of-the-century roofie.
Dan: So Serena goes to boarding school with Damien, Damien sells drugs to Juliet.
Blair: But what’s the connection between Juliet and Serena?
Damien: You know what? Why don’t we find her address and go ask her ourselves. This is where I first met Juliet. She’s a townie.
Gossip Girl: Better step on it, Juliet. Because your clean getaway just got very messy.
Serena making absinthe: Let the sugar cube melt, drop it in. Extinguish the flame… and drink up.
Dan: Do you recognize him?
Damien: Yeah. But I didn’t know he was Juliet’s brother.
Blair: Well if I taught at Knightly I wouldn’t bring my Mystic Pizza townie family to school events either.
Damien: When Serena went back to the city he got fired for sleeping with a student. Everyone was sure it was her.
Serena: If you’re wondering, no. I don’t plan to drink both of these coffees. One is actually for you. It’s ah, with two creams and no sugar. I noticed that’s how you take it in the dining hall.
Ben Donovan (David Call): Thank you.
Damien: There wasn’t a keg cracked within ten miles that Serena didn’t know about. And then suddenly she started staying home, reading in her room. The generous conclusion to draw would be that Serena was getting her act together. Focusing on school.
Dan: Yeah, but no one thought that. They assumed she was sleeping with a handsome young English teacher.
Blair: Was she?
Damien: Well I always thought the best about Serena, but…
Blair: But something made you believe it was true.
Serena: You know I think he was the only guy to ever say no to me. I was in love with him. Well as in love as I had ever been at that point. After that I didn’t know how to act around him so we, ah, we never really talked again.
Counselor: This must have been very disappointing to the sixteen-year-old adventuress that you were at the time. But when you tell this story now, what does it make you think?
Serena: That Ben Donovan was a pretty great guy.
Juliet: Dan and Blair showed up in Cornwall with Damien Daalgard.
Ben: Damien? What’s he doing with them?
Juliet: Well considering he’s the one who sold me the pills that I used on Serena I think I have a pretty good guess.
Ben: Look, I told you the drugs were going too far. Never mind if they go to the cops. What if those guys show up at mom’s and start asking questions?
Juliet: Yeah, I’m sure they already did. And I’m sure they are figuring it all out right now. Which is exactly why I am going to finish this thing once and for all like I should have done in the first place.
Ben: Where are you? Are you in the city? Juliet, you have done enough. Do not go after Serena. If you touch her—
Juliet: What? It’s not like you can stop me.
Ben: Hey! Archibald! I’m Ben, I’m Juliet’s brother, alright, you need to find Serena and make sure she’s okay.
Nate: Wait, wait. What?
Nate: When’s the last time you talked with Serena? She’s not answering her phone.
Dan: No, they took it away. It’s part of her therapy.
Nate: Oh, so she’s still at The Ostroff? That’s good I guess. She’s safe there.
Dan: What do you mean? Safe from what?
Nate: I was visiting my dad and I ran into Juliet’s brother Ben. He was really upset and he, ah, seems to think Serena’s in danger.
Dan: From who? Juliet?
Nate: I don’t know. He didn’t get a chance to say. But we should probably go check on her. Can you go? I’m in Staten Island.
Dan: No, I’m with Blair and Damien in Connecticut. It’s a long story, but… alright, meet us at the Van der Woodsens. Serena should be okay where she is but we need to find Juliet.
Gossip Girl: Uh oh, S. You’ve got a surprise visitor and she’s about to give you shock therapy.
Blair: Look, I think I figured it out. Okay, Serena had an affair with her teacher because, let’s face it, it’s Serena and what else is there to do in Connecticut. Then she came to her senses and discarded him like last season’s Chanel booties. Then he became a crazy stalker and Serena pressed charges. That should be a warning to you, Humphrey.
Dan: Yeah, because the parallels are striking.
Blair: Never-to-be-realized literary aspirations: check. Townie: you’re from Brooklyn so check. And giving up everything to became Serena van der Woodsen’s stalker. Check. Face it Humphrey, you are one knitted tie away from Mr. Donovan territory.
Serena: And the photo of me on Gossip Girl. That was you too?
Juliet: Yep. I went out dressed like you and partied like it was 2007.
Serena: And then you just left me for dead in a motel room. Why, because of Nate? Or Colin?
Juliet: No, you stupid bitch. Because you destroyed my brother’s life!
Serena: Who’s your brother?
Juliet: Ben Donovan.
Serena: Ben is your brother? What did I ever do to him?
Lily: Eric, somewhere between a Marlins jersey and the absolute truth lies the better part of decorum.
Blair: What’s going on?
Eric: I don’t know, but I feel a little sick inside and not just because I’m looking at him. What, have you come to recruit another virgin to be your drug mule?
Damien: I would say, “Why, are you available?” But I’m leaving. Thanks for the ride into the city.
Serena: I can’t do this.
Lily: Okay, I—
Serena: Hi, I’m Serena. I’m Lily’s daughter. I wasn’t going to be able to make it tonight because I was actually at the Ostroff Center. Though if it were up to my mother she would have you believe I was at Canyon Ranch. That’s because having a daughter who’s in a mental hospital threatens her carefully protected image. She wants you all to think that she’s the perfect host and mother and wife. But the truth is she’s a selfish liar who will destroy anyone who stands in her way.
Gossip Girl: Time to turn on the charm, Lily. Because your perfect party just turned into the perfect storm.
Board Member: Please, Rufus, take the holiday to get things under control. With the upcoming sale of Bass Industries we don’t need any more surprises. Rufus looks confused. Lily said she told you.
Rufus: Of course, yeah. Forgive me, it’s been a dizzying few days.
Serena: B, it’s okay. I talked to Juliet. She’s not the problem anymore. It’s my mom.
Blair: Well clearly she’s drugged Serena again! Dan, write a list of everything Damien said that he sold to Juliet. to Nate: And you. Look at the list and tell us which one of those drugs causes you to repeatedly trust psychopaths.
Lily: I apologize, Charles. It seems that my biological children don’t understand that when business is at stake, you need to leave your dirty laundry in the hamper.
Serena: Is that what Ben Donovan was to you? Dirty laundry.
Rufus: Who’s Ben Donovan?
Serena: He was my boarding school teacher. Mom falsely accused him of statutory rape. So now he’s serving time for a crime he didn’t commit.
Lily: Is that what the Ostroff Center calls treatment these days? Public scenes and false accusations.
Serena: Juliet is Ben’s sister. She told me everything. So please, no more lying. What happened?
Lily: You wanted to come home and I wanted you here. But when Constance saw your records from Knightly they wouldn’t take you back. And it was the same with all the decent schools. And I was worried about your future so I went to Knightly and talked to the administration.
Serena: Of course you did.
Lily: Well when I was on campus there were some girls gossiping about you. They said that you had spent the night at a bed and breakfast with one of your teachers.
Serena: That was just gossip.
Lily: Well it was gossip I could use to our advantage. I expressed my concern to the school that one of their teachers was having an inappropriate relationship with my underage daughter.
Serena: So you sent Ben to prison so that I could go to Constance?
Lily: Well no! Of course not. But after I left the school alerted the authorities and then, I didn’t know what I had set in motion until I was contacted by the D.A. and by then it was too late.
Serena: What? Too late to tell the truth? So you just destroy a man’s life all so that you can keep up appearances?
Lily: No, I did this for you! For your future. Look, it’s not like Mr. Donovan was guilt-free. He shouldn’t have been having an affair with a student.
Serena: But he didn’t do anything. Nothing ever happened.
Lily: Serena, you don’t have to protect him.
Serena: I’m not protecting him. He never touched me, Mom. You sent an innocent man to prison.
Chuck: Look, everyone here has crossed a line to protect someone they care about. Sometimes there’s collateral damage.
Rufus: It’s not so easy when you’re the collateral damage. Maybe it’s time to put everything on the table. Lily, do you have something you need to tell Chuck?
Lily: Well if there was something I wanted to tell Charles I would have told him.
Rufus: Lily’s selling Bass Industries.
Lily: It’s all very complicated. I had to talk to the board first.
Chuck: I trusted you with my father’s company. I want it back. Immediately.
Lily: Do you really think the board would allow me to give the company to someone who just disappeared for three months? Your instability is the reason that I ended up in charge in the first place.
Chuck: I won’t let you do this, Lily.
Lily: Serena, I’m so sorry. Please believe me. You have to.
Serena: I don’t have to do anything for you ever again.
Gossip Girl: They say you reap what you sow. Better get out your gardening gloves, Lily. Looks like you’re going to have a bumper crop this year.
one week later…
Dan: See I told you. Food is more delicious when you cook it yourself.
Nate: Yup. That’s why we’re going to end this experiment in middle class living and then call the housekeeper to clean up.
Blair: No way! I stuck my hand up a turkey’s butt. You’re not getting out of your job.
Chuck: Well I’ve provided the location, so I did my part. Now I’m off to New Zealand to enjoy a taste of summer and girls who like sex games in the Rain Forest.
Dan: I’ll help clear. It’s only fitting seeing as I did the shopping, set the table and… oversaw the cooking.
Nate getting up to help: Alright.
Nate: Is that Lily?
Serena: By proxy. She’s in Montecito so she’s having Cece call. Is Rufus gonna join her?
Dan: Yeah, but he’s driving out on his own. I think he needed time to clear his head.
Blair: See, I told you road trips were strictly for Humphreys.
Serena: Since my mom isn’t going to help get Ben out of jail I want to find the judge whose name is on the affidavit. I think he lives Upstate so I thought I’d turn it into a road trip. Why don’t you come with me?
Dan: Ah, how long were you thinking?
Serena: Well I have to be back by the time school starts. I called Dean Reuther and explained that it wasn’t me that dropped out. She was not happy, but she did reinstate me.
Chuck: Goodbye, friends. Dan. I’ll see you in the New Year.
Nate: Wait. I’ll walk you out. Here. hands Dan the dishes.
Blair: New Zealand? That’s awfully close to Australia.
Chuck: You know me. I like the heat.
Blair: Well you’ll get plenty of it if you try to make a deal with the devil. Jack will never help you.
Chuck: Maybe. But a shared enemy makes for unlikely friends. to Nate: You ready? Happy Holidays, Blair.
Dan: Serena, I would love to go away with you. But it feels like this trip is something you might need to do on your own.
Serena: I’ve been trying so hard to prove to the world that I’ve changed. But I think the person that doubted it the most was me. I’m going to work on that.
Dan: And you’ll succeed. I know you will. And I know you better than anyone. Be safe.
Gossip Girl: Whenever we give up something we really care about, we hope that the Universe will reward our selfless choice.
Nate: I’m out buying you some new clothes. I know you’ve been locked away for awhile, but no one’s wearing orange this season.
Gossip Girl: However it’s not always fate that gives us a gift. Sometimes it’s someone closer to home.
Blair: What are you still doing here? Shouldn’t you be off living your dream? Days on end in a real car with Serena?
Dan: No. I’m staying here. So actually I’ll be living out my nightmare. Trapped in the city with only Blair Waldorf to talk to.
Blair: Nate’s here. I’ll share custody as long as I’m in first position.
Dan: Nate’s with his grandfather.
Blair: Eric then?
Dan: Gestad with Elliot. Please don’t continue down the list. I promise you it’s just me. I won’t be calling. I’m going to be very busy writing, turning Vanessa’s room into an office, seeing Nanette at the Film Forum.
Blair: I’m seeing Nanette at Film Forum.
Dan: You like French documentaries about orangutans?
Blair: Nanette is an inspiration. Last summer I’d go to Les Jardins des Plante all the time just to visit her. If we happen to run in to each other, please don’t sit next to me.
Dan: I wouldn’t think of it. Let’s just finish these dishes so we can go home. Alright?
Blair: I’ll wash, you dry. You wouldn’t know how to handle Riedel.
Dan: This coming from the one holding what appears to be a bottle of L’Occitane shampoo.
Blair: You can’t wash good wine glasses in common dish soap. Just follow my lead, Humphrey. You’re used to doing that.
Gossip Girl: If you love someone, set them free. XOXO —Gossip Girl.