Gossip Girl: Nothing beats a summer abroad. But when travelling far from home it’s always nice to bring along an old friend from the neighborhood. Cobblestones and Cafe de Flore. Serena’s locked down the Left Bank and become a muse to us all. Meanwhile, Blair rules the Right Bank. Storming the shops and consuming the classics. And sampling sugary snacks like a modern Marie Antoinette. But we hear Serena’s stories sizzle while Blair’s are more fizzle. She shopped at Saint Laurent, and dined at Drouant, but the only beau B had this summer is on her headband.
Serena: Blair what are you doing? We said we wouldn’t check Gossip Girl all summer.
Blair: Summer’s almost over.
Serena: So what does it say about Chuck?
Blair: I couldn’t be less interested. Serena gives her a look. No new posts. He’s been MIA since he left town this spring.
Serena: And what does it say about us?
Blair: “Oo la la! Paris is burning and Serena and Blair lit the match.” Of course your flame is hotter than mine. Everyone knows that the only guy who’s been in my pants all summer is the tailor at Pierre Balmain.
Serena: And whose fault is that? B, just as many guys have flirted with you. I just happen to have a thing for French waiters.
Blair: And bartenders. And museum docents. Anyone on a Vespa or a bicycle. Or wearing Zadig & Voltaire.
Serena: B, what’s wrong? I thought you were having fun.
Blair: I am. The best. But all summer I’ve been sitting in front of my favorite Manet and reading Colette in the park. Hoping that I’ll lock eyes with somebody who’s doing the same thing as me. And feeling the same things I am.
Serena: That’s really romantic.
Blair: But alas, not effective. For all my efforts I’m heading back home with a Chuck-sized cloud over my head.
Blair: You know, as much as I’m going to miss you and your provenance, having separate lives ensures no competition. Which means no high school pettiness. Promise we won’t go back to our old ways.
Serena: Like you said, that was high school.
Bruce Caplan (John Bolton): So you have no idea where he is?
Lily: Well Charles didn’t exactly leave town on good terms and even when he does he finds it best not to tell us where he’s going. For our own sakes.
Bruce Caplan: Well I need your help in finding him this time. And fast. He hasn’t paid the mortgage on the Empire since May.
Lily: That’s when he left.
Bruce Caplan: Yeah, well the bank says one more missed payment he’ll be in default.
Lily: …I wanted to know if you or Blair have heard from Charles.
Serena: No, and I don’t expect to. It’s actually decent of him, leaving her alone.
Lily: Poor Blair. Is she still hurting?
Serena: Yeah. But she’s putting up a good front. And I wouldn’t worry about Chuck. Any normal summer he’s drunk on some island where polygamy’s legal.
Vanessa (Jessica Szohr): Your dad called me, he said he couldn’t reach you. I told him he should try Serena because I assumed she’d be with you. Because what other reason could there possibly be that you haven’t called or emailed me all summer. Or making me have this conversation in the doorway.
Dan: Vanessa, I’m so sorry about that, but there is a reason.
Vanessa surveying the apartment: Is it because you’ve become a hoarder?
Vanessa: What other possible reason could there be in the God-I-Don’t-Believe-In’s Universe for Georgina Sparks to be leaving lingerie around your house?
Dan: Meet Milo. He’s our son.
Juliet (Katie Cassidy): Wouldn’t want to interrupt your girlfriend’s private conversation. Seemed pretty important.
Nate: She’s not my girlfriend.
Juliet: I was being polite.
Nate: She’s not that either. She’s just a friend of a friend.
Nate: Can I at least get your number?
Juliet: What, it’s not in your friend’s Little Black Book?
Blair: Stop whatever you’re doing. We need to shop.
Gossip Girl: Spotted: B and S. Chic and cheerful up on Boulevard Hausmann. They dallied at department stores and stayed awhile at Tally Weijl. Down on Rue Saint-Honoré they courted couture at Palais Royale. And found the perfect outfits to bas&sh the competition.Then they headed to the Golden Triangle. Where Montaigne meets Georges V. And luxury goods are the opiate of choice.
Serena: B, what are you doing? Cinderella did not Google Prince Charming.
Dan: Do you know how difficult it is to keep a baby alive? You can’t drop it, you can’t leave it alone. It has to eat like every three hours. If I don’t know what hit me here, how am I supposed to tell my dad?
Vanessa: I have to ask, as will Rufus: are you sure Milo’s yours?
Dan: Of course he is. I mean I’m pretty…. I’m pretty sure.
Vanessa: You didn’t have a paternity test?
Dan: I’ve been waiting for the crazy shoe to drop but it never did. I mean, he’s been great with Milo.
Vanessa: Dan, we’re talking about Georgina Sparks. Her hair lies. You can’t trust one thing that comes out of her mouth. Let alone anywhere else.
Gossip Girl: Spotted: B riding shotgun. Let’s see if our royal wannabe has the Grace to make it through the night.
Lily: Eleanor, you’re early.
Eleanor (Margaret Colin): Oh just to set up, dear. And to accessorize you properly.
Rufus: You know, Bass is not her middle name.
Eleanor: I was afraid nobody would know who she was. Not a lot of Humphreys in the society pages.
Lily: Look, for better or worse he’s a part of this family.
Serena: So, who wants a bite of her dessert?
Eleanor: And the best part is that nothing has to change now that she’s going to be at Columbia.
Blair: What? Serena’s going to Columbia?
Blair: Hey, maybe you could ask [Loudoyant] to be your new best friend because I’m done. Have fun on my date.
Eleanor under her breath: What’s going on, why does Georgina Sparks have a baby?
Blair: You can have the Left Bank, okay? But I want the Right. Every cleavage-bearing garçon and cute bartender is yours. But I want a dress from Dior and I want a date with a royal. And I want to go to school and take classes and have friends without living in your shadow for the next three years.
Serena: You heard about Columbia.
Georgina: At least now everybody’s talking.
Lily: Oh please. You’re enjoying this.
Blair: I love how it never has occurred to you that someone might not want to see you every single day.
Serena: Someone, sure. Probably lots of people. But not my best friend.
Blair: I need a chance to succeed on my own. I wanna be myself, where I belong. Last year— first with NYU and then Chuck, it was the worst year of my life.
Serena: Yeah, well my last year was pretty awful too. I fell for a married man, got in a major car accident. I fought with my mother so much I was basically homeless. And then there was my dad.
Blair: Fine. Stay in the city. Just go to a different school, okay?
Juliet: Your friend who lent you his book. What was his name?
Nate: Chuck Bass.
Juliet: And what would Chuck Bass do in a situation like this?
Nate: He wouldn’t be in this situation.
Juliet: And you shouldn’t be either. When you’re ready to talk about what really got you into this place, give me a call.
Jean-Michel (Alexandre Silberstein): Serena, what happened?
Serena: Blair happened. I’ll see you in New York. Jean-Michel, would you care to walk me home?
Louis (Hugo Becker): He told me that I was being over-cautious. But I see that I was not.
Blair: About what?
Louis: I am the royal. Jean-Michel is my driver. When you asked me so many questions about my name, my car, the embassy… I was concerned that you may not like me for me.
Blair: What? No? Who would ever—
Louis: It happens sometimes. But when I found you gazing at my favorite painting I thought that someone who loved what I loved could one day love me too.
Gossip Girl: We hear Baccarat just updated its menu.
Louis: I thought it was fate. But I guess not.
Blair: No no no! It is fate. It’s just…
Louis: Good evening, Blair.
Gossip Girl: The gateau du jour? Is now humble pie. Bon appetit, Blair.
Blair: I really need my friend right now. I’ve been acting like I’m okay, but I’m not. They say it’s a broken heart but… I hurt in my whole body. What if I stay like this forever? What if I never get over Chuck?
Serena: You will. You’ll see.
Blair: I just don’t know what I’d do without you. I’m scared that if you come to Columbia I’ll do something to destroy us.
Serena: Well you pushed me in a fountain tonight and here we are talking about it like mature young women. So I’d say that’s a good sign.
Gossip Girl: This just in from Miss B herself: Serena van der Woodsen is heading to Columbia. S & B together again? We think we’ve died and gone to heaven. Or at least the Upper West Side.…
Lily answering the phone: It’s from France. Hello? … Yes this is she. … Oh my god, is it Serena? Is she okay? … Okay, I will.
Rufus: What? What is it?
Lily: A body washed up in Paris shot. The identification they found says it’s Charles Bass.
Eva: You had the dream again. I hoped it wouldn’t follow us from Prague.
Chuck: I guess I’ll have to give it more time.
Eva: Take as long as you need. My uncle said the apartment’s ours and he’s got you a job too.
Chuck: Thank you.
Eva: Welcome to Paris, Henry.
Chuck: Let’s go home.
Gossip Girl: Napoleon once said that secrets travel fast in Paris. But Gossip Girl travels faster. Bisou bisou.