Serena: Blair what are you doing? We said we wouldn’t check Gossip Girl all summer.
Blair: Summer’s almost over.
Serena: So what does it say about Chuck?
Blair: I couldn’t be less interested. Serena gives her a look. No new posts. He’s been MIA since he left town this spring.
Serena: And what does it say about us?
Blair: “Oo la la! Paris is burning and Serena and Blair lit the match.” Of course your flame is hotter than mine. Everyone knows that the only guy who’s been in my pants all summer is the tailor at Pierre Balmain.
Serena: And whose fault is that? B, just as many guys have flirted with you. I just happen to have a thing for French waiters.
Blair: And bartenders. And museum docents. Anyone on a Vespa or a bicycle. Or wearing Zadig & Voltaire.
Serena: B, what’s wrong? I thought you were having fun.
Blair: I am. The best. But all summer I’ve been sitting in front of my favorite Manet and reading Colette in the park. Hoping that I’ll lock eyes with somebody who’s doing the same thing as me. And feeling the same things I am.
Serena: That’s really romantic.
Blair: But alas, not effective. For all my efforts I’m heading back home with a Chuck-sized cloud over my head.
Blair: You know, as much as I’m going to miss you and your provenance, having separate lives ensures no competition. Which means no high school pettiness. Promise we won’t go back to our old ways.
Serena: Like you said, that was high school.
Lily: I wanted to know if you or Blair had heard from Charles.
Serena: No, and I don’t expect to. It’s actually decent of him, leaving her alone.
Lily: Poor Blair. She’s still hurting?
Serena: Yeah. But she’s putting up a good front. And I wouldn’t worry about Chuck. Any normal summer he’s drunk on some island where polygamy’s legal.
Serena: B, what are you doing? Cinderella did not Google Prince Charming.
Serena after Blair’s dramatic exit: So, who wants a bite of her dessert?
Blair: You can have the Left Bank, okay? But I want the Right. Every cleavage-bearing garçon and cute bartender is yours. But I want a dress from Dior and I want a date with a royal. And I want to go to school and take classes and have friends without living in your shadow for the next three years.
Serena: You heard about Columbia.
Blair: I love how it never has occurred to you that someone might not want to see you every single day.
Serena: Someone, sure. Probably lots of people. But not my best friend.
Blair: I need a chance to succeed on my own. I wanna be myself, where I belong. Last year, first with NYU and then Chuck, it was the worst year of my life.
Serena: Yeah, well my last year was pretty awful too. I fell for a married man, got in a major car accident. I fought with my mother so much I was basically homeless. And then there was my dad.
Blair: Fine. Stay in the city. Just go to a different school, okay?
Jean-Michel: Serena, what happened?
Serena: Blair happened. I’ll see you in New York. Jean-Michel, would you care to walk me home?
Blair: I really need my friend right now. I’ve been acting like I’m okay, but I’m not. They say it’s a broken heart but… I hurt in my whole body. What if I stay like this forever? What if I never get over Chuck?
Serena: You will. You’ll see.
Blair: I just don’t know what I’d do without you. I’m scared that if you come to Columbia I’ll do something to destroy us.
Serena: Well you pushed me in a fountain tonight and here we are talking about it like mature young women. So I’d say that’s a good sign.
Serena: I can’t believe it’s almost time to go back to New York already.
Blair: I know. And you still haven’t made your Sophie’s Choice between Brooklyn and the Upper East Side. Serena rolls her eyes. What? If you go back with an uncertain heart there will be drama and disaster for all.
Serena: It’s like choosing between eclairs and Napoleons. They’re both delicious.
Blair: Except Humphrey’s a doughnut. Well I would love to stay and talk patisserie, but I have to get ready for my perfect Parisian date.
Serena: Wait, what? You got Louis to give you a second chance? B, that’s great!
Blair: And to prove I care about more than his title I’ve planned a day of polite interaction with the proletariat. Think Diana, Princess of the People. Obviously I’ll wear gloves.
Lily: I’m sorry to bother you on your last day, Serena. I got a very upsetting phone call from the Paris police.
Serena: Ugh. If it’s about Blair pushing me in the fountain I’m not pressing charges.
Lily: They pulled a body out of the river. And found Charles’ wallet.
Serena: Oh my god. You don’t think it’s him, do you?
Lily: Well it would be a lot easier not to panic if someone had heard from him or he had been paying the Empire bills. Listen, um, sweetheart, they need a family member to identify the body. If it’s too much for you I will be on the next flight.
Serena: No. No, I’m here. I can do it.
Insp. Chevalier: The body was in no condition for fingerprints, but we found this. shows her a wallet and passport.
Serena: That’s his.
Insp. Chevalier: We’re testing the blood on the wallet. Do you need a moment to gather yourself?
Serena: No amount of time will ever make this okay.
Serena: B, I went to the morgue today.
Blair: What is that, a sex club?
Serena: A place where they keep dead bodies.
I had to identify one because he had Chuck’s I.D. Don’t worry, it wasn’t him.
Blair: I’m not worried.
Serena: But Blair, I just hung up with my mom and Chuck is missing.
Blair: Well consider him found. He was in the Rue de Charenton an hour ago.
Blair about Chuck: He’s stalking me.
Serena: Well what did he say when you saw him?
Blair: Nothing. He looked away and I kept driving.
Serena: That doesn’t sound very stalkerish.
Blair: It’s Chuck. It’s probably part of some elaborate scheme.
Serena: My friend saw him around here this morning. He has an intimate relationship with alcohol so I figured I’d check all the bars first.
Serena: Chuck, it’s you.
Eva: Who’s here?
Serena to Eva: Oh hi. I’m Serena van der Woodsen. I’m really sorry to show up like this. I’ve just been looking for Chuck everywhere.
Eva: Henry, what is she talking about?
Chuck: I don’t know. to Serena: The man you’re looking for is not here.
Chuck: I had a feeling you’d linger.
Serena: I’m not going to leave. Chuck, today I had to identify a body that the police thought was you. Did you do something to that man? If it was self-defense I’m sure that they would understand.
Chuck: I never touched that thief.
Serena: So is Blair right? Is this another one of your games?
Chuck: Do I look like I’m playing?
Serena: I know more than anyone what it’s like to want to reinvent yourself. But just because people are mad at you doesn’t mean you should disappear. My mom is really worried about you.
Chuck: I’m sure she’ll come to celebrate my absence. As will all the people who’ve wished me dead since the day I was born.
Serena: I know things were bad in New York, but if you don’t come home you’ll lose the Empire, you’ll lose everything you ever cared about.
Chuck: I lost the only thing I cared about. They can have everything else.
Serena: I don’t know what you told that girl, but you can’t turn your back on who you really are.
Chuck: I’m going to see an old associate. I’m picking up a passport with my new name on it. After today there is no Chuck Bass.
Serena: I’m staying at Eleanor and Cyrus’ when you realize that’s not true.
Serena: Oh wow. A coronation already. The date must have gone well.
Blair: The fairy tale is back on as long as the evil Queen doesn’t ruin it.
Serena: Well if you’re talking about Chuck, don’t worry. The only person he wants to poison is himself.
Blair: You talked to Chuck? No! I don’t care. I don’t even want to know what he said. I’ve been waiting all summer to feel sparkly again and I won’t be pulled back into the darkness.
Blair: Shouldn’t you be out dealing with your own issues instead of hunting me down?
Serena: I didn’t even know you were here. realizing. Why are you here?
Blair: Why are you?
Insp. Chevalier: I see that you have found Monsieur Bass’ stolen property.
Blair: Mr. Bass’ property. The ring is his?
Serena: That’s why I’m here. Inspector Chevalier asked me to claim it.
Serena: Blair he almost died holding on to that ring and to the hope of you.
Blair: I forgave him. For something no one else in the world would ever get over. Then he turned around and did the one thing he knew I could never let go.
Serena: But you don’t need to forgive him. You don’t even need to talk to him again after today. But I know you, and you’ll always regret it if you do nothing and just let him disappear.
Serena: It doesn’t feel right to be in New York without you.
Blair: Did the plane ride back to reality land you on either Nate or Dan?
Serena: Not exactly.
Blair: How could you spend seven hours on a plane with a library of romantic comedies and not find clarity?
Serena: Trust me, I tried. I even made a list of pros and cons. “Dan: good shoulder to cry on. Nate: good shoulders.”
Serena: Mom! Hey!
Lily: Serena. Darling, what are you doing here?
Serena: Larissa told me where you were. I came straight from the airport.
Lily: Well we have a surprise for you.
Serena: Great. But first I want to find Dan and Nate.
Dan walking in: Find me? I’m right here.
Serena: Dan! And Vanessa! Hey…
Nate walking in: Hey Serena.
Nice to meet you.
Rufus: Hey Serena.
Serena: Rufus and… baby?
Dan: This is Milo. He’s my son.
Vanessa: You saw me four months ago. If you thought I was pregnant then I’m offended.
Serena: Okay, is someone gonna help fill me in?
Nate: Not it.
Dan: Yeah, I will explain everything. Just sit down, I gotta get him a bottle.
Eric about Gossip Girl’s disappearance: Still nothing.
Serena: Good. I forgot how exciting the first day of school can be. New fall wardrobe, fresh slate. The fact that Gossip Girl isn’t around to stir up trouble only makes it that much more perfect.
Eric: Or she could be planning something big for your first day. After all the site says “Under Construction”, not “Out of Service”.
Blair: The good thing about no Gossip Girl: no Chuck. What about you? You’re the one who has to start college with an ex-boyfriend loose on campus.
Serena: Oh there won’t be any issues. Nate and I are still friends even if he is dating some gorgeous blonde named Juliet.
Blair: Oh, please. You are Serena van der Woodsen. We’ve been on campus what, five minutes? I bet there’s already a frat house filled with guys fighting over you. And don’t worry, my jealousy issues are as over as… surf fabrics for eveningwear. And besides, we’re carrying on our divide-and-conquer strategy from Paris.
Serena: But where will our neutral meeting ground be? Hot & Crusty will not possibly do after Café Louie Phillippe.
Blair: Were we supposed to meet up?
Serena: Last night we were but according to Gossip Girl you had a better offer.
Blair: I’m sorry.
Serena: B, it’s okay. I know you’re going to have house events. You just don’t need to cover it up.
Blair: I know. I was just drunk on gin and attention.
The minions are watching Serena and Blair’s Girls Gone Wild tape:
Serena: I learned a lot about the issues.
Blair: Oh you mean the Daddy issues.
Serena: Oh, like you’re so healthy. “I love Chuck, I hate Chuck, I love Chuck, I hate—”
Blair: Oh, and who do you love? Nate then Dan then Dan again. Aaron, Gabriel, Carter, Trip. Then Dan again. Then Nate again. Did your father finally fix that? Because he seemed pretty busy giving your mom fake cancer.
Juliet: I think we’ve seen enough. We have to save our sister from that crazy bitch! (she dramatically pulls the curtains apart to find a mellow Serena and Blair)
Serena: Turns out I’m not the crazy one.
Blair: Or the bitch.
Blair: Admittedly your ploy to blame me for Serena not getting into Hamilton House would have worked in high school, but not now.
Serena: Did you really think I would believe you over Blair?
Juliet: I don’t know what you’re talking about. Or what just happened here.
Blair: We had Dorota film us earlier. Gossip Girl played it as a favor. She prefers to be the only one screwing with us.
Juliet: Whatever twisted frenemy-slash-ex-boyfriend situation you have going on Serena, it has nothing to do with me. I told you that the alumni committee makes the decisions—
Serena: You seriously thought we wouldn’t know anyone on the committee?
Juliet: You can’t. That’s the secret part of a secret committee.
Lily walking in: Unless the keymaster misbehaves. Half of the board members of Bass Industries are alumni. One phonecall confirmed the obvious. That Serena has always been at the top of the list. Congratulations darling. to Juliet: Key please.
Serena: So how was it seeing Chuck with Eva?
Blair: Harder than I expected. But at least he’s not going to Columbia. No offense.
Serena: Yeah, I guess I just didn’t expect Nate to be so mad at me.
Blair: I thought the only thing he got upset about was a badly rolled joint.
Dorota: Sorry, Miss Blair. No papers today. I think maybe 8H steal them again.
Blair: Dorota. We both know it was you, not Susan Lucci, who took my papers. But there’s no point. It’s all over the internet.
Serena (from the adjoining room): What is?
Blair: What are you reading? Chuck gave Eva a limited edition Baignoire Cartier watch. Gossip Girl even has a whole thread where people can guess how much it costs.
Dorota: How can she even see time through all that sparkly? (Blair gives her a look) I go get more coffee.
Blair: How can I stomach going to his charity auction later? Watching everyone ooh and ooh la la over that French floozy and that watch. Some are speculating it costs more than anything he ever gave me.
Serena: B, I know it’s hard to see Chuck with someone else, but you have to stop doing this to yourself.
Blair: I’m just worried about him. We’ve seen this before. Strangers weaseling their way into our hearts. Clearly Eva has an agenda. I’m guessing it’s his money.
Serena: You know Eva actually seems nice, and even if she isn’t it’s not your business anymore.
Blair: Oh. And it’s your business to be monitoring Nate and Juliet? And even worse, Humphrey and Dumpty?
Serena: Fine. We’re both having trouble moving on. But it was just so easy in Paris.
Blair: You were just so easy in Paris.
Serena: Enough. But now—
Blair: Now you’re here, and those boys are taken.
Serena: For now.
Blair: Yes, you’re right. Maybe Dan and Nate will see the error of their ways and break up with those girls. Or they’ll marry them and you’ll die hitting refresh.
Serena: Okay fine. You know what? I will stay away from Nate and Dan. But you have to stay away from Chuck and Eva. No plotting. No meddling. No Blair Waldorfing.
Blair: I’m not going to! I wasn’t— I… was going shopping. Anyway.
Serena: Okay. Then I’m just going to stay home and unpack all day. No gala. And tonight we’ll watch Amelie and try to recreate our favorite cocktails from Le Très Particulier. Deal?
Serena: I know what you’re up to. You’re at Cartier checking the cost of that watch. You’re breaking your pact.
Blair: And you’re looking at Gossip Girl, thereby breaking yours. Anyway it just so happens that my watch is broken.
Serena: You were wearing it yesterday and it worked perfectly fine.
Blair smashing her watch on the case: Well. Now it doesn’t. Notices Eva in Cartier as well.
Serena: Blair, we had a deal. (silence) B, why did you stop talking?
Blair: No reason.
Dan: Well I’m sure you heard that Milo’s not mine. Georgina took him back.
Serena: Yeah, my mom told me. I’m sorry. How do you feel?
Dan: Vanessa and everyone keeps asking me that. Trying to get me to talk about it like it was this crushing blow, but I just got my life back. I want to enjoy it now, you know?
Blair: The woman is a saint! She didn’t recoil from those creepy cat rescuers. Or turn away from those pictures of the starving children. She didn’t even cringe when that homeless man licked her arm.
Dan: Well she might be used to weird guys licking her.
Serena: Yeah, ’cause she may be a saint but she’s also a prostitute.
Lily: You two look gorgeous!
Serena: Thank you. So do you. Though I do question your manila evening bag.
Lily: Oh, well, the Paris police sent me Charles’ effects about a week ago. Money clip, passport, you know I just keep forgetting.
Blair: No Dan? In that dress. I’m shocked.
Serena: Yeah, I guess it’s for the best though. I mean If I end up with Dan a part of me will always love Nate. If I end up with nNate a part of me will always love Dan, so I don’t know. I guess I just need to find someone who gives me what I get from both of them.
Blair: That’s a mature decision. Not sure I’ve made many of my own for awhile.
Serena: What do you mean?
Dorota: Miss Blair, Mr. Chuck is here.
Serena: Hey! Hey hey. Are you kidding me?
Cab Poacher: Hey, you again.
Serena: Yes. Me again. Getting my cab taken by you again.
Cab Poacher ignoring her: Nice bag. I like it better than the one you had the other day.
Serena: Thank you. It’s supposed to be at class with me. I can’t be late again so if you don’t mind.
Cab Poacher: Sorry, she had an audition. Something…
I think a talking dog was involved.
Serena: Yeah, I know the feeling.
Cab Poacher: Why don’t you let me make it up to you. Buy you a drink sometime?
Serena: Are you seriously hitting on me while still holding your date’s shoes?
Cab Poacher: Well if you change your mind, the King Cole Bar is the only place in town that still makes a Red Snapper. You look like you’re about a size eight.
Serena: B, how do you do it? Chuck declares war and you simply up your classload.
Blair: The more time I spend on campus the safer I am. Chuck is allergic to education and bettering himself.
Serena: Well I’m not. So if I’m going to work on my new self I should head to the library. Sign me up for Martha’s class. We’ll go together.
Serena: A good scandal is one thing, but even Gossip Girl likes to keep things classy and somewhat true. I just wanted to focus on school.
Blair: Well don’t let this stop you. Without someone confirming the rumor it’ll blow over by lunch. Now just keep doing what you’re doing. Hold your head high. This is our school. We were here first, damn him to hell!
Serena: Why do I get the feeling like your pep talk is not entirely meant for me.
Serena: If you’re not going to let a disease like Chuck deter you, what leg do I have to stand on.
Blair: We can’t let the men of our past define us. They want us to lash out, lower ourselves to their level. But it is our job to remain civilized.
Serena: So you’re going to let Chuck have the assistant position then.
Blair: I said civilized, not lobotomized.
Serena: You know Vanessa, you always want to believe the worst in people. Why change now.
Blair: Where have you been?
Serena: I know. I’m late. Again.
Blair: So I take it the meeting with your professor did not go well.
Serena: It didn’t go at all.
I didn’t make it.
Blair: You know there’s a clock on your cellphone, right?
Serena: I’m so sorry I didn’t make our meeting this morning, but as I mentioned in my email I’m hoping to impress upon you—upon both of you—that I’m willing to do whatever it takes to succeed at this school.
Dean: Yes, the email that you sent to Professor Lawford makes that pretty clear.
Serena: I’m sorry?
Dean: Perhaps we should have this conversation in private.
Serena: And what conversation would that be?
Dean: The one regarding your email that offers sex for grades.
Serena: What? I didn’t do that, I would never do that.
Dean: This is your email address, is it not?
Serena: Yes, but I didn’t send this.
Dean: Miss van der Woodsen, obviously we pay no mind to childish rumors that circulate all college campuses, but this email is extremely serious. The consequence of sending it I’m afraid is expulsion.
Serena: My phone isn’t in here. Whoever stole it must have been the person that sent the email.
Dean: A missing cellphone is hardly proof. I’ll see you in my office on Monday and we’ll talk about what’s next.
Dean: I believe you didn’t send that email. But I can’t ignore the level of drama that has followed you to my campus and grown even louder since you’ve arrived.
Dean: Women of my generation had to fight for every opportunity. And to be taken seriously. And your attitude, Ms. van der Woodsen, makes a mockery of that. If I were you, I’d rethink my priorities.
Cab Poacher: The Red Snapper. Excellent choice. What do you think?
Serena: I think it’s a Bloody Mary with an inferiority complex.
Cab Poacher: Fair enough.
Cab Poacher: Tell you what: one drink, one question. Tell me why you’re drinking alone and I’ll tell you anything you want.
Serena: I thought I could start over. But it turns out college is just high school with more expensive books. There’s no starting over. No matter where I go, whatever I do, my past seems to follow me. So. What about you? Why are you with a different girl every night?
Cab Poacher: Because I stopped apologizing for my past a long time ago.
Serena: Does that really work? Does it actually make you happy?
Cab Poacher: It did.
Blair: What have we here? Bed unslept in. Hair in… missionary disarray. And yesterday’s dress with today’s shame all over it.
Serena: No shame. For your information we just stayed up talking.
Blair: Oh. So does this chatty insomniac have a name?
Serena: Colin. The Cab Stealer.
Blair: Oh well you showed him.
Serena: It turns out he actually has some redeeming qualities. He’s handsome in an old Hollywood way. He’s smart and even though he’s a businessman he’s more interested in talking about Lichtenstein and Warhol—which he collects, by the way.
Blair: So what are you doing here?
Serena: He also collects women. That he puts into cabs. A new one each morning. And I’m not going to be one of them.
Serena: Why are we sidebarring? Do you really want access to strip clubs?
Blair: No, I just don’t want to seem like I’m ceding territory too easily. So pretend we’re talking about something serious. Like my birthday. Or, have you figured out that anniversary situation?
Serena: B, what can I do? They’re already planning a family thing.
Blair: Unacceptable. Just like that sex glow you’re sporting.
Serena: There was no sex. Just coffee.
Blair: Coffee is the thing you have before you pay the check to go have sex.
Serena: Let’s be honest, we may sit across from each talking about bagels versus brioche, but all we’re thinking…
Colin: Is what it would be like to have breakfast in bed.
Serena: Okay, as much as it kills me to say this, no more office hours. I just can’t be alone in a room with you. So other than class, I’ll see you in six weeks.
Colin: Other than tonight. The dean just emailed that my presence is requested at a party. Apparently at your place.
Blair: Why are you talking to that horrible Juliet and what are you doing here with Nate?
Serena: Well you’ll be happy to know that Colin and I—
Blair: Hey! My ears don’t register his name.
Serena: —are trying to stay away from each other, which is why I brought Nate as a buffer. And since you won’t listen to my Colin problems I had to go to Juliet for advice.
Blair: Serena. Do you have amnesia? Juliet isn’t your friend.
Serena: She’s actually proven to be a pretty good friend since she saved me from Vanessa’s takedown.
Blair: Oh please. If I want to hear fiction I’ll go talk to Jonathan Franzen. In fact…. she walks off.
Colin about The Beautiful and Damned: Anthony Patch is more tragic than Gatsby.
Serena: I can’t believe you actually read it.
Colin: Why wouldn’t I? You gave it to me.
Serena: You know I think I like you too much to do this right now. We’ve come this far. The old me would have gone farther but the new me really wants to wait.
Colin: I’m glad I know the new you. She’s a great teacher.
Serena: So, six more weeks.
Colin: Yeah. At least we stopped ourselves before we made a mess of everything. No one found out. So we’re safe.
Serena: Well in that case. she kisses him.
Serena: I need to talk. I’m having Colin issues.
Blair: And boundary issues. Ladies knock. And besides the only issue you should be having with Professor Forrester is the topic of your midterm. Now if you don’t mind, I’d like to it the snooze button on this conversation and go back to bed.
Serena: All I can think about is how much I want to be on his arm at the ballet. And instead I’ve got the dean’s target on my back. How are we supposed to even try to have a relationship?
Blair: I hate it when the duvet puffs up like that. Maybe it’s just the way you’re sitting.
Serena: I know we agreed to wait, but it feels like meanwhile life is just passing us by. It’s not fair.
Blair: Life is tough Serena. Get a helmet. Or at least borrow one of my chapeaux. Wear it all day to remind you not to lose your head. Get off! Go!
Serena: Well thank you for the great advice.
Serena: I’m having a whole new appreciation for pleather seats with duct tape.
Blair: Serena. What are you doing on campus so early?
Serena: Watching you climb out of a brownstone vestibule with Chuck following like the Bass that ate the canary. And no denials—your skirt’s on backwards.
Blair: No, it isn’t. checks. Fine. I may have slipped up. A little. But it’s just sex. And a one-time thing at that. Or maybe a five-time thing. Okay, if we’re being honest I’ve lost count how many times. Though that depends on what you’re actually counting as—
Serena: Blair. What are you doing? You’ve come so far. Don’t fall off the wagon now.
Blair: I haven’t! It’s just your ordinary run-of-the-mill ex-sex. Fueled by the most common of aphrodisiacs. Mutual loathing and disdain.
Serena: May I remind you that both of those things are feelings, and having any feelings for Chuck is where the problems always start.
Blair: There are about as many feelings between me and Chuck as there are thoughts in Levi Johnston’s head. We’re nothing more than enemies. With benefits. And quite a lot of judgment coming from you, Elizabeth Taylor! You’re about one inappropriate relationship away from the Guinness Book.
Serena: Colin and I actually had a very good talk this morning and he wants a real relationship too.
Blair: Yes. I hear the 97th Street Transverse is a lovely spot to drive past on a date.
I saw you get in that cab.
Vanessa: This is how you return phone calls now?
Nate: I went to Juliet’s apartment today and it turns out she doesn’t live there. She never has.
Nate: Look, I’m sorry, Vanessa. I should have believed you when you said she set you up. Juliet’s a liar and she’s been lying to me this whole time.
Vanessa: Finally. Took someone long enough. But seriously, I appreciate you telling me.
Nate: Enough that you’ll help me find out where she’s hiding?
Vanessa: Let me see. Writing a paper on Hannah Arendt or… a secret mission that might help me clear my name. Let me grab my bag.
Serena: Why do you have mad face? Is everything okay?
Dan: No, it’s not okay. You should know better.
Serena: I think I missed something.
Dan: I didn’t. I saw you this morning getting out of a cab with Colin Forrester. Are you having an affair with your professor?
Serena: Well technically he’s a guest lecturer, and no, it’s not an affair because we agreed not to do anything until the semester’s over. It’s romantic.
Dan: What would be romantic is him actually making a sacrifice for you.
Serena: What are you saying?
Dan: When we were together I would have done anything for you so if this billionaire really cares about you then why can’t he quit teaching and take you on a date? You’re worth more than a guest lecturer fee. Everyone knows that. I just wish you did.
Serena: Separate flights?
Colin: We’ll meet at the Pink Sands. Your room’s under your name. I always book mine under Buffett.
Serena: I don’t know. Maybe this is not such a great idea.
Colin: What happened when you got out of the cab?
Serena: We both know this is a case of bad timing. I’m just the first one to say it. I’m sorry.
Serena: Blair, is there something we need to talk about?
Blair: This is no cause for concern, Serena. I know I said I was quitting Chuck, and I am. It’s just a bit harder to chuck Chuck than I thought. And what if I need sex rehab like Jesse James?
Serena: You’re going to overcome this. Maybe because I overcame my obstacle today. I showed some willpower and I broke up with Colin.
Blair: Good for you! For once, you’re thinking with your brain and not with your…
Serena offering: Macaroon? If he really wanted to be with me, all he needed to do was just drop the class. It was a class that he didn’t want or need to teach anyway.
Blair: You are Serena van der Woodsen. You deserve a guy who would move mountains to be with you if he had to.
Serena: I’ve been thinking about that all day. And you’re Blair Waldorf. Fortitude is your talent. Stay strong. I’ll see you at the ballet. I gotta go make a call.
Serena: You tried to destroy my friendship with Blair, my reputation, my academic career…
Chuck: You failed every time, and now it’s time for you to go.
Juliet: I’m trying to.
Nate: He’s talking about Columbia.
Blair: You don’t belong there anyway.
Chuck: If we catch you hanging around there again there will be consequences.
Blair: And we’re really good at payback.
Serena: Hey, why are you guys eating? I thought we were going to Sarabeth’s.
Eric: Ah, we decided we could spread out better here. There’s more room to work.
Serena: On what, your calculus homework?
Eric: Your love life. It’s a little something called “Dan vs. Nate”. We’re here to help.
Elliot: And we brought protractors.
Serena: A Venn diagram, really? You seriously expect me to make this monumental decision with colored pencils and graph paper?
Eric: Don’t mock. Elliot got an 800 on his math SATs.
Elliot: Mm hm. Probability. Set theory. It’s basically what they do when you join an online dating service.
Serena: Okay, E’s Harmony. I will submit to your method, but just so you know I did choose. I called Dan right after I broke up with Colin and Nate showed up and said some things I couldn’t ignore.
Elliot: And then?
Serena: Well I ignored him, ran up to my room, and haven’t spoken to either since.
Eric: That’s a familiar coping mechanism.
Serena: You could at least try to hide your disappointment.
Lily: Well I have nothing to hide, I simply want to put this behind us.
Serena: Even if I have to wear a scarlet letter for something I didn’t do?
Blair: Don’t look at me like that. You’re the one that’s black and white and read all over.
Serena: How do you think that happened? A secret relationship.
Blair: But Chuck and I are not in a relationship. What are you, a foot fetishist? They’re done!
Serena: B, come on. You and Chuck have way too much history to interact in a casual way.
Blair: As for your devoted suitors, have you finally decided whom to crush?
Serena: No, and I have feeling for both. I don’t want to hurt either.
I have a whole new appreciation for Big Love.
Blair: Well. Even in Utah only the men get to have more than one spouse. Which, I’ve come to realize, is extremely sexist.
Door Guy: What was that name again?
Serena: Oh I’m sorry. I thought he told you. Serena van der Woodsen.
Door Guy: Nice try. But she’s already inside.
Serena: Well that’s a mistake because I’m her.
Door Guy: Sorry. Do you have ID?
Serena: I didn’t come to rent a car.
Blair: So Anne, Nate and Dan are all liars? That’s a lot of people to blame. Even for you. Just admit you did the wrong thing. Or maybe you don’t know what that is anymore.
Serena: You know, you’re not the first person to say that today so I guess it must be true. You know it was a bad choice thinking that you’d be on my side.
Blair: Not as bad a my believing that you’d ever be happy for my success.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Serena: My name is Serena van der Woodsen. I don’t know who I am or how I got here. Please help.
Eric: How you feeling?
Serena: Betrayed. Thanks.
Lily: Serena, I know right now—
Serena: Mom, stop. Your daughter wakes up alone. Drugged. In an empty motel room. And you don’t call the cops, you don’t ask if she’s okay or what happened. You just have her committed. What kind of mother does that?
Lily: The kind of mother who wants her daughter safe.
Serena: Is that what you’re telling yourself—that this is what’s best for me?
Lily: Well Serena this isn’t exactly what’s best for me. You know it would be a lot easier to take you home and act like this never happened. But I’m afraid for you.
Serena: How could you let her do this to me?
Eric: Because I love you. When I was in here, I didn’t want to be. At least not at first.
Serena: I’m not in denial, Eric. I didn’t do this.
Eric: It took me a long time to come to terms with what I did too.
Dan: What happened?
Serena: Honestly, I don’t know. But I really wish I did because then maybe I could explain it to everyone.
Dan: What’s the last thing you remember?
Like what do you know, for certain?
Serena: Heading into the party to look for you. You were the one that I came to kiss. You and only you. It’s the last thing I’m certain of. It’s the only thing I still am.
Dan: Get your stuff.
Dan: Come on. I bust you out of the loony bin and you’re going to mock my choice of transportation. We’re fugitives, alright? We’re taking the bus.
Serena: Are we really doing this? Just running away together?
Dan: No, running away is what guilty people do. We’re just getting out of the city for a few days to get some space and clear your head. It’s a vacation.
Serena: A vacation. I like that. Hey, thank you for believing in me.
Dan: How could I not.
Serena: You can spare me whatever you rehearsed on the way over. I’m not going back.
Blair: Even if it’s what’s best for you?
Serena: You don’t get a vote. I can’t believe you took her side.
Serena: Look, call whoever you need to call but the only way I’m going back there is in a straightjacket.
Serena: What makes you think I want to talk to you anymore than her?
Blair: Do you remember when I had my problem? And I never wanted to go to Dr. Sherman. So you would walk me and wait outside the building to make sure that I went in, and an hour later you’d be standing there to walk me home, no questions asked. If it wasn’t for you I’d never have gotten better.
Serena: Except I don’t need to get better. I didn’t do anything.
Blair: So what? Someone went on a bender and rented a room with your credit card and forced pills down your throat?
Serena: I know how it sounds.
Blair: Good. ‘Cause it sounds—
Serena: Crazy. Yeah, I got that.
Eric: I know I’ve already said this but I’m really proud of you and so is mom.
Serena: Is that why she’s here to tell me herself? Do I even want to know where she is?
Eric: She and Chuck are meeting with a reporter from The Post this morning. Some profile on Bass Industries.
Serena: Oh, The Post. Because they have such award-winning business coverage.
Eric: Don’t tell me you detect a whiff of eau de damage control?
Serena: Mom’s classic scent. Brings back the fondest memories of childhood.
Eric: I’m way ahead of you there, but when I confronted her about it she didn’t deny it. Bass Industries is a family-run company. And like it or not, what the family does affects what people think about it.
Serena: I know I’ve put her in a tough position. But please promise me that you’ll try to keep her honest about where I am and what’s going on. No stories about Aunt Carols in Miami like when you were here.
Eric: I am on it. Although that Marlins jersey that Bart Bass bought me that year for Christmas would look great on you.
Counselor: Serena, help me understand. Are you upset because of what you did or because you can’t remember it?
Serena: Both. And neither.
If you saw a photo of yourself on the internet doing cocaine what would you think?
Counselor: I wouldn’t know what to think. I would never do that.
Serena: Exactly. But with me I can’t be too sure. I may not remember kissing Dan and Nate or crossing Blair, but…. You know, this wouldn’t be the first time I’ve been with two guys in one night or
betrayed my best friend.
Serena making absinthe: Let the sugar cube melt, drop it in. Extinguish the flame… and drink up.
Serena: You know I think he was the only guy to ever say no to me. I was in love with him. Well as in love as I had ever been at that point. After that I didn’t know how to act around him so we, ah, we never really talked again.
Counselor: This must have been very disappointing to the sixteen-year-old adventuress that you were at the time. But when you tell this story now, what does it make you think?
Serena: That Ben Donovan was a pretty great guy.
Serena: And the photo of me on Gossip Girl. That was you too?
Juliet: Yep. I went out dressed like you and partied like it was 2007.
Serena: And then you just left me for dead in a motel room. Why, because of Nate? Or Colin?
Juliet: No, you stupid bitch. Because you destroyed my brother’s life!
Serena: Who’s your brother?
Juliet: Ben Donovan.
Serena: Ben is your brother? What did I ever do to him?
Serena: I can’t do this.
Lily: Okay, I—
Serena: Hi, I’m Serena. I’m Lily’s daughter. I wasn’t going to be able to make it tonight because I was actually at the Ostroff Center. Though if it were up to my mother she would have you believe I was at Canyon Ranch. That’s because having a daughter who’s in a mental hospital threatens her carefully protected image. She wants you all to think that she’s the perfect host and mother and wife. But the truth is she’s a selfish liar who will destroy anyone who stands in her way.
Lily: I apologize, Charles. It seems that my biological children don’t understand that when business is at stake, you need to leave your dirty laundry in the hamper.
Serena: Is that what Ben Donovan was to you? Dirty laundry.
Rufus: Who’s Ben Donovan?
Serena: He was my boarding school teacher. Mom falsely accused him of statutory rape. So now he’s serving time for a crime he didn’t commit.
Lily: Is that what the Ostroff Center calls treatment these days? Public scenes and false accusations.
Serena: Juliet is Ben’s sister. She told me everything. So please, no more lying. What happened?
Lily: You wanted to come home and I wanted you here. But when Constance saw your records from Knightly they wouldn’t take you back. And it was the same with all the decent schools. And I was worried about your future so I went to Knightly and talked to the administration.
Serena: Of course you did.
Lily: Well when I was on campus there were some girls gossiping about you. They said that you had spent the night at a bed and breakfast with one of your teachers.
Serena: That was just gossip.
Lily: Well it was gossip I could use to our advantage. I expressed my concern to the school that one of their teachers was having an inappropriate relationship with my underage daughter.
Serena: So you sent Ben to prison so that I could go to Constance?
Lily: Well no! Of course not. But after I left the school alerted the authorities and then , I didn’t know what I had set in motion until I was contacted by the D.A. and by then it was too late.
Serena: What? Too late to tell the truth? So you just destroy a man’s life all so that you can keep up appearances?
Lily: No, I did this for you! For your future. Look, it’s not like Mr. Donovan was guilt-free. He shouldn’t have been having an affair with a student.
Serena: But he didn’t do anything. Nothing ever happened.
Lily: Serena, you don’t have to protect him.
Serena: I’m not protecting him. He never touched me, Mom. You sent an innocent man to prison.
one week later…
Nate: Is that Lily?
Serena: By proxy. She’s in Montecito so she’s having Cece call. Is Rufus gonna join her?
Dan: Yeah, but he’s driving out on his own. I think he needed time to clear his head.
Blair: See, I told you road trips were strictly for Humphreys.
Serena: Since my mom isn’t going to help get Ben out of jail I want to find the judge whose name is on the affidavit. I think he lives Upstate so I thought I’d turn it into a road trip. Why don’t you come with me?
Dan: Ah, how long were you thinking?
Serena: Well I have to be back by the time school starts. I called Dean Reuther and explained that it wasn’t me that dropped out. She was not happy, but she did reinstate me.
Dan: Serena, I would love to go away with you. But it feels like this trip is something you might need to do on your own.
Serena: I’ve been trying so hard to prove to the world that I’ve changed. But I think the person that doubted it the most was me. I’m going to work on that.
Dan: And you’ll succeed. I know you will. And I know you better than anyone. Be safe.