Gossip Girl Rufus Humphrey

Season 2


Matthew Settle

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Summer, Kind of Wonderful

The story continues…

Jenny: As nice as it is that you’re encouraging me to get my designs out there, the White Party’s like, super-exclusive. I mean summer interns do not get to go. Last year they even turned away Jack Johnson.
Rufus: Sounds like a party with taste!

Dan: I can’t believe that I get a job working for literary idol and he cans me. You know? I did everything he asked, from picking up his dry cleaning to keeping him sober before noon. Which was, believe me, the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
Rufus: Harder than finishing that story?

Rufus: So what is this story about anyway?
Dan: The dissolution of a relationship between two people from different worlds.
Rufus: Science Fiction, huh?
Dan: Yeah.
Rufus: Well if I can offer some fatherly advice from 300 miles away—
Dan: I haven’t finished the story because I haven’t dealt with my feelings over the way I ended it with Serena.
Rufus: Couldn’t have said it better myself. Even if you’d let me.

Never Been Marcused

Rufus: I’d forgotten what it was like to be on the road performing for a live audience night after night.
Vanessa: And now that you’re home…
Rufus: I’m grateful. For the memory.

The Dark Night

Rufus: And you two have worked out all your issues?
Dan: Um yeah. Yep. Got ’em all squared away.

Rufus: I thought you and Dan were leaving for the party.
Vanessa: Yeah, we’re supposed to.
Rufus: He’s not still reading one of those “Dan/Serena Should They/Shouldn’t They” threads, is he?
Vanessa: Last I checked, yeah.

Jenny: Why are you wearing a jacket? It’s like a hundred degrees.
Rufus: Well I was on a—
Jenny: On a date?
Rufus: Yeah. I was going to tell you guys I’ve been dating. Claire, Jenny. Jenny, Claire.
Jenny: Hi. I’ve been looking forward to meeting you. Just not when I was all gross and sweaty.

Jenny: The lights are on. Aren’t I fired?
Rufus: You got fired?
Eleanor: Oh, don’t be so dramatic.

The Ex-Files

Rufus: So what brings you down here Lily?
Lily: Oh I just thought it would be nice to say Hello. Maybe catch up.
Rufus: I was actually on my way out.
Lily: Of course. I should have called first. You’re busy with work and—
Rufus: No I just— Repo Man‘s playing at the Sunshine. You know how I love my Harry Dean Stanton.

Rufus: Lily, what are you doing here?
Lily: I don’t know.

Rufus: Yesterday reminded me how easy it is to fall back into old patterns. I can’t be your safety net anymore. It’s not fair. You made your choice to be Mrs. Bass. You need to do that. We both need you to go do that.

The Serena Also Rises

Rufus: Blair. What could we have done to deserve a visit from you?

New Haven Can Wait

Dan: What do you think about this color?
Rufus: Of the paper? It’s white.
Dan: No no no. It’s ecru. That’s white. I like the ecru myself. But I’m not sure about the font.

Eleanor: I didn’t realize it was Bring Your Father to Work Day.
Rufus: Yes, well it was Jenny’s idea to show me why this was so important to her.

Chuck in Real Life

Dan: Dad, will you please tell Jenny that I have guy friends.
Rufus: Of course you do. I’m his—
Jenny: No. Not including you.
Rufus: There’s Cedric—
Jenny: Not including dolls.

Rufus: What happened?
Gossip Girl: Sometimes it takes opening up to new people and letting them in.
Dan: Hope you don’t mind but we’ve got a lodger. So I’ll make up the sofa.
Jenny: I’ll get the ice cream.
Rufus: And I’ll get the guitar and the Songs of the 80s Fakebook. I’m thinking Wham! Almost forgot: make yourself at home.
Gossip Girl: But most times it takes just one person who is truly afraid to show what they feel. Getting an opportunity they never thought possible.

Prêt-à-Poor J

Rufus: Honey, breathe.
Jenny: No! No time for oxygen! I am late.

There Might Be Blood

Rufus: C’mon, you gotta be kidding me! You’re letting the Mr. Softee truck pass us?

Rufus: Lily, this is none of your business.
Lily: I’m saving you from making a terrible mistake.

Bonfire of the Vanity

Dan: I’m amazed at how calm you’re acting. Your 15 year old daughter just moved in with her crazy model friend.
Rufus: And with the model’s mother. Whom I met today for lunch. And granted Agnes’ mother is a little more Courtney Love than June Cleaver, but she’s a committed parent. She’s gone through similar phases with Agnes. She promises to call everyday. So Jenny’s safe.

Rufus: You don’t even have your coat off and you’re already using emotional blackmail to get your way.
Jenny: Spin it how you like. I just need your signature.

Rufus: I spoke to your sister. My plan didn’t exactly pan out.

The Magnificent Archibalds

Lily: If there’s one thing I have learned about teenage girls, is that sometimes they need someone outside of their family to talk to.
Rufus: All that might be true, but it’s Thanksgiving. And Jenny needs to be with family.
Lily: She is. She’s with mine. Once you’ve calmed down and she’s ready to talk I’ll arrange a meeting.
Rufus: Marshmallows. Jenny likes them on her sweet potatoes.

Rufus: What’s going on? Is something wrong?
Lily: I’ve been grappling with what to do all day. What to say, which one of you to talk to.
Rufus: Are you okay?
Lily: Yes. But you might not be. I know it’s Thanksgiving but I think you should get over here right away.
Rufus: Lily?
Lily: I will see you shortly.

Rufus: Your brother helped me realize that I haven’t told you something. Something important.
Jenny: What?
Rufus: I love you Jenny. I love you so much I’m willing to let you go if that’s what it’s going to take to get you back. And when the time comes for a court hearing I won’t stand in your way. But there’s nothing you can do to make me stop loving you.
Jenny: I’m sorry. She leaves.

Rufus: I was kind of hoping she’d be here.
Dan: Yeah, me too.
Rufus: Oh. You are.
Jenny: I love you too, Dad.

It’s a Wonderful Lie

Lily: Hi Rufus.
Rufus: What’s going on?
Lily: I’m leaving him. I’m doing it for me. I don’t expect anything. Except maybe a dance.

Lily: I never thought my life would turn out like this. I always tried to do the right thing.
Rufus: That’s all you can do. Just, ah, smile and fake it.
Lily: Tell me something, Rufus.
Rufus: What?
Lily: Something you shouldn’t.
Rufus: I never wanted to weigh in about your relationship with Bart. I was afraid of what I might say.
Lily: Which was?
Rufus: I let you go on your wedding day because I was afraid I couldn’t give you what you needed. I wasn’t sure what I needed. And I have regretted it everyday since.

O Brother, Where Bart Thou?

Lily: I’m sorry we haven’t spoken since the Ball. I really appreciate your messages.
Rufus: All I want to say is that I’m here. If you want me to keep my distance I can do that too. I um, can’t imagine what you’re going through.
Lily: Actually you can better than anyone else can. Everyone’s so concerned about the grieving widow. But as much as I feel shock and loss, mostly I feel guilt.
Rufus: I’m sure you must be thinking a hundred thoughts right now. But Lily, you can not blame yourself.
Lily: Why not? He was on his way to see me. I was going to end our marriage.
Rufus: Hey. It’s okay. Do you hear me?
Lily: He left me a voicemail.
Rufus: What’d it say?
Lily: I don’t know. I haven’t listened to it. I’ve been too afraid hear his voice.
Rufus: Do you want to listen to it right now? I’ll stay with you.
Lily: Thank you. I’ll do it myself. I have to get back.
Rufus: Lil, I’m waiting for you this time. Six months. Six years. I’ll be here.

Rufus: You’re back soon. wouldn’t have thought Bart Bass would be one to have a short funeral.
Dan: Chuck threw me out before it even started. Because according to him, ah, my father killed his father.
Rufus: Why would he say that?
Dan: Well I don’t know Dad. I mean do you have any wild guesses, any thoughts?
Rufus: Who knows. Kid’s dad just died. He’s upset.

Rufus: We’re going to be okay this time, Lil.
Lily: I know we will.

Dan: Um… hey. Well thank you for telling me that you’re in love with Lily Bass. Again or still. Or whatever it is. It would have been really useful information to have before I tried to stop Serena from flying off to South America
Rufus: I will never be with Lily.
Dan: I don’t understand. Serena just said—
Rufus: Serena doesn’t know what the hell she talking about.
Dan: Are you okay? What’s with all this stuff and the note? Are you going somewhere?
Rufus: Nope. Just out.

Rufus: Just tell me one thing: was it a boy or a girl?

In the Realm of the Basses

Lily: Hello Rufus.
Rufus: Lily.
Lily: How was your—
Rufus: I want to know where my child is.
Lily: We already talked about that.
Rufus: Do you realize I had to say “my child” because I don’t know if it’s a boy or girl?
Lily: I shouldn’t have come.
Rufus: I just spent the last two weeks knocking on the door of every adoption agency in Boston, hoping to avoid this conversation. But they all told me I had to ask the mother. So i’m asking.
Lily: I told you before Christmas, when I gave him up—
Rufus: So it’s a boy. That’s something I guess.
Lily: —I also gave up the right to go looking for him. And I’m not going to allow you to bulldoze into his life. It’s not fair.
Rufus: How is that fair to me? When was I asked if I was okay with it? This is just you not wanting anyone to find out.
Lily: Oh no, I’ve given up on that. Charles already knows, although I actually believe he won’t say anything.
Rufus: I have a right to know my son.
Lily: And he has a right to his own life. Just like you’ve had yours.
Rufus: I was going to be a rock star, remember? Instead I had two kids. And I was there to take them to school every morning and talk about their days at night. And if someone came to me and said I could trade that for the life I wanted when I was nineteen, I wouldn’t. Being a father’s who I am. Don’t take that away.
Lily: I’m sorry, I can’t.
Rufus: Then I’ll find him without your help.

Rufus to Dan about Serena: I’m telling you, this is a mistake.

Jenny: Dad, Serena is like the best thing that’s ever happened to Dan. She’s smart, she’s funny, and she’s like nine levels hotter than him.
Dan: Thank you. But she’s right.
Jenny: C’mon, get on board. Dan-Serena, Dan-Serena, woo! Okay, Dad is not into cheering.
Dan: Am I really supposed to pretend that this has nothing to do with what happened between you and Lily before Christmas?
Jenny: Wait. What happened with him and Lily? What happened between you and Lily?
Rufus: None of your business.
Dan: Oh, so you can tell me not to date Serena but I can’t say anything about you and Lily?
Jenny: Him and Lilly what? Somebody, please.
Rufus: I think you need to leave for school.
Dan: Oh you’re not going to walk me today? I’m heartbroken.
Jenny: Okay, Dad. Seriously?
Rufus: You’re going to be late.
Jenny: No, I’m not. Yes I am.

Rufus: Dan if you’re here to argue—
Dan: What were you looking for in Boston? I know it’s not a painter, and I know it’s not a sculptor or…. whatever story it was that you couldn’t keep straight.
Rufus: Hang on, how did— ? Did Chuck Bass say something to you?
Dan: Chuck Ba— What? So you’re telling me Chuck Bass knows something about our life that I don’t know?
Rufus: I can’t talk to you about this right now.
Dan: You know, if it was just your life I would say fine. But it’s not. It’s mine and it’s Serena’s. I think we have a right to know.
Rufus: I agree, but there are other people involved.
Dan: Let me take a wild guess and say Lily.
Rufus: Just give me a day. There’s a right way for all of us to talk about this.
Dan: Yeah. We’re past that.

Lily: Rufus. Your message said it was urgent. Has something happened?
Rufus: Dan knows. Or he doesn’t yet. But I think he will soon. And I imagine he’ll tell Serena. And I thought you should know.
Lily: Rufus, wait. What will they think of me?
Rufus: Serena and Eric? Well it’s not my problem. We’re each on our own, remember?
Lily: But you already hate me. What if they hate me too? I gave away their brother. I wasn’t ready. I was young and scared. Heartbroken over you. And Cece kept pressuring me. The truth is, I wasn’t ready to have a baby. And it’s been a hole in my life ever since.
Rufus: I understand why you gave him up. But it’s that you didn’t tell me.
Lily: Rufus, please.
Rufus: I don’t hate you, Lil. As much as I want to. Neither will your kids. But you’ve had 20 years to make peace with this. It’s going to take me some time.
Lily: What do you want to know?

Gone with the Will

Rufus: They don’t wanna meet. They don’t want us to contact them. Ever.
Lily: Rufus—
Rufus: Well I guess that’s it then. I’ll go back.

Lily: Oh hey. I was just going to call down and have our car brought around.
Rufus: I don’t think I’m ready to go.
Lily: Rufus.
Rufus: What Lily? The family could change their mind. We should write them a letter and explain that we just want to meet the boy.
Lily: The parents don’t want that.
Rufus: What about what I want? This works out well for you. You don’t want to meet your son.
Lily: Oh. You don’t think I haven’t thought about this boy every day of his life? You want to meet him. Have you thought about what happens after that? What if we find out he’s had a horrible life? Or what if we instantly love him and then it’s very clear that we’ve made a terrible mistake?
Rufus: My only fear is feeling like we failed to try everything.
Lily: Well we can keep trying from New York. We don’t have to stay here.
Rufus: Why not, Lil? It’s another day. Is that too much to ask?
Lily: Yes. Yes it is. Because this whole search has been so excruciating I don’t want to go through it anymore. I don’t want to spend another day—yet another minute trapped in this hotel room scared that you’re going to hate me forever. When I’m still in love with you.

You’ve Got Yale

Lily: Well now that this is all out in the open maybe we can stop sneaking around. I mean we’ve had the awkward run-in and it isn’t so bad. I don’t know why we thought this would be so weird.
Dan: Let’s leave. Now.
Serena: Nice try mom.
Rufus: Yeah, seriously. Good effort.

Rufus: My hair is terrible. Not since ’91—
Lily: If you care about your hair you’re more apart of my world than ever.
Rufus: You sure you’re okay?
Lily: Yes. Yes I am.

Carnal Knowledge

Dan: The moment Blair involves me in her schemes the boyfriend and the BFF clause is null and void. So she brought it on herself.
Rufus: The alleged online slander incident?
Dan: What? You— you heard about the rumor? You gave it a name.
Rufus: Well the parents council called an emergency meeting tonight. Apparently my son is the object of the slander. Assuming it is slander. You and Ms. Carr.

Lily: I can’t believe we’re all here on a Saturday night. That’s a lot of cancelled restaurant reservations.
Rufus: Well, expel one Yale-bound senior gets people’s attention.

Rufus: Look, I believe the two of you weren’t having an affair, but meeting a student, one she didn’t even teach. Off hours. After school.
Dan: You voted to fire her, didn’t you?
Rufus: You just got into Yale. I was protecting your future.
Dan: By firing someone who didn’t do anything wrong? You talk about these Park Avenue parents who shield their kids from punishment. Well I should be punished. Not her.
Rufus: It’s over Dan. Let it go.

The Age of Dissonance

Dan: I’m sorry. I know you were just looking out for me. And Rachel, she turned out to be not who I thought she was. Or at least not anymore.
Rufus: I’m sorry too, son.
Dan: Dad. You’re right about this. But I think you need to give me space to make my own mistakes.
Rufus: Well lucky for you, you’ll be at Yale soon. You can make all the mistakes you want. With girls your own age.

The Grandfather

Rufus: She wasn’t my girlfriend. We just went out a few times.
Lily: You might have mentioned that, considering she works for me. It was humiliating.
Rufus: Well I’ve been meaning to tell you.
Lily: You know it’s a shame we never see each other. Are there any other exes I should know about? My trainer? My accountant?
Rufus: I’m sorry. But it’s not like I’ve ever asked you to make a list of everyone you’ve ever dated.
Lily: Yes, well I’d be happy to make one.
Rufus: Sure.
Lily: You think I wouldn’t?
Rufus: I don’t think about it. I think you should just drop it.
Lily: Let’s make lists.
Rufus: Lily—
Lily: Look you clearly have some idea about my past that I’d prefer to dispel and this way I won’t be blind sided again. Unless of course there’s something that you don’t want known.
Rufus: Alright.
Lily: Okay. Tonight then. At dinner. Be ready.
Rufus: This has disaster written all over it.

Rufus: We’ve touched on the weather. I think we’ve made a clean sweep of all possible small talk.
Lilyclears her throat: Well I think we should just get it over with before the kids come home.
Rufus: I will go first. Is it alright?
Lily: Yes of course? And… this is the whole thing?
Rufus: That’s it.
Lily: Okay. Well then that’s just, um, okay. I’ll just get mine.
Rufus: Well. scanning the the list. Oh here I am! I’m sorry. It’s just, well I’m relieved. Please don’t take that the wrong way. It’s just you’ve dated more people than I have and I wasn’t sure I was in the same, ballpark.
Lily: Well I’m glad that that is behind us.

Lily: You remembered the eggrolls. Make sure I only eat a few or I’m going to feel guilty.
Rufus: Not likely.
Lily: Okay. Enough. What’s going on with you? He hands her the second page of her list.
Lily: I’m sorry. I was going to tell you.
Rufus: Let’s just pretend like this never happened. That’s obviously what you wanted.
Lily: That’s not fair.
Rufus: No kidding. Which is why I didn’t show you some condensed version of my list.
Lily: Your list was a dozen people. How much more condensed could it have been?
Rufus: Thirteen. And I’m not embarrassed about my past.
Lily: No. You’re just embarrassed about mine. When you saw the condensed version you told me you were relieved. So. I think we’ve found out everything we needed to know about each other.

Rufus: That’s the only things I need to know. Things that make you happy or sad or crazy. Although that last one would be kinda hard to condense.

Lily: I don’t get it. I mean I know you were married for 18 years. But you were the lead singer of a not-entirely-unpopular band. And I remember beautiful girls throwing themselves at you every night.
Rufus: It’s true. But the majority of that time I was pining for a certain blonde photojournalist.

Remains of the J

Rufus: Lily’s doing breakfast today. She wants to talk to us.
Dan: Ominous.
Jenny: Or delicious.

Lily: We wanted to tell you in person—all of you.
Serena: We are planning a Sweet Sixteen party for you here. Tomorrow night.
Lily: Fantastic caterers and beautiful flowers.
Serena: DJ, the perfect guest list. We wanted it to be a surprise though.
Lily: We heard you had one of those last year and it didn’t go so well.
Eric: Oh… Jenny Cake.
Rufus: Well that’s why this year I was more than happy to delegate to people I know better.

Jenny: Last year I would have killed for a party like this. But this year I don’t know. Things just seem, just seem different. I was just kind of hoping that it would be us and Vanessa and Jonathan and then, I don’t even— maybe those two girls from my Chem class who didn’t light my hair on fire that one time. I’m sorry. Is that okay?
Serena: Yeah. Maybe we should just try the cake first.
Lily: It’s your birthday. It’s whatever you want.
Serena: Yeah. Yeah, you know. It’s not a problem. I’ll just cancel.
Rufus: I’m thinkin’ my famous chili.
Dan: Maybe some board games.
Jenny: Yeah. Um but really. Thank you so much for thinking of me. It means a lot.

Seder Anything

Rufus: No I get it. Rent trumps art. Well let me know if you change your mind. Hangs up. Nobody wants to buy art anymore.
Dan: Look I’m the one with the expensive Yale tuition. Please let me help. There’s got to be a job on Craig’s List that doesn’t involve dealing or nudity.
Rufus: Dan I’ve got it under control. Your priority is school. She wants to go shopping for a table, a lamp. I’m not sure.

Eleanor to Dan: Could you please make yourself a little more presentable?
Rufus: That was sort of rude.
Dan: Yeah, you know what? I’m gonna just sorta go with it.
Rufus: Atta boy.

Lily: Rufus’ gallery is in Williamsburg.
You should move your gallery to the city. Williamsburg is already over.
Rufus: I didn’t realize an entire neighborhood could be over.

Southern Gentlemen Prefer Blondes

Jenny: What’s with this newfound interest in antiquing?
Rufus: I’m just stimulating the economy by rewarding my fantastic kids. And it so happens that the gallery was a great investment. It’s listing for three times what I paid for it.
Dan: You didn’t get soaked when the real estate bubble burst?
Rufus: Well it’s not as much as I would have gotten at the top of the market but I’ll be able to send you both to school and have a little breathing room to figure out what I’m going to do next.
Jenny: Have you considered cooking classes? I mean even I’m getting of tired of your waffles, Dad.
Rufus: Not cool. I sometimes make chili.

Dan: That looks a little delicate for your big hand.
Rufus: Don’t get any ideas, hotshot.

The Wrath of Con

Rufus: You don’t really seem all that excited.
Eric: No, the ring is amazing. And I think it’s great you want to marry my mom. I just want to make sure you’re prepared.
Rufus: Well I have done this before.
Eric: So has she. Four times.
Rufus: Yeah, those guys weren’t right for her.
Eric: That’s definitely true. But my mom can be a little crazy too. And I love her, I just don’t want you to forget where she came from.
Rufus: Trust me, I know the family. And your mother is nothing like her mother. And I’m totally up for the wild ride that is Lily Rhodes-van der Woodsen-Bass-Etc.
Eric: Well then. Welcome to the family.

Gossip Girl: Oh no. We warned you no good would come from spinning a wicked web. You just get all tangled up in your wicked lies.
Rufus: Please return this for me.

The Valley Girls

Rufus: You’re unpredictable, that’s for sure. When I was younger it was damn exciting. You were always surprising me.
Lily: I’m just doomed to repeat my mother’s mistakes.
Rufus: Our mistakes are our’s alone to make. Or correct.

Rufus: Cece’s never going to change, Lil. But you still can.

The Goodbye Gossip Girl