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Serena: This is the first time I’ve seen you look in the mirror all summer. Here I thought if you did you’d turn to stone. Must be pretty nervous about something if you’re willing to take that risk.
Chuck: Ha ha, Sis. I’m on my way out to Lily Pond. With the triplets returning to Rio I thought I’d continue my tour of South America. Maybe Argentina.
Serena: Then what are the flowers for? You wouldn’t perhaps have heard a recent phone call with a certain best friend of mine. Who mentioned she’s on her way of here on the Jitney.
Chuck: What’s a Jitney?
Serena: If that’s your way of saying No then I’m glad to hear it. ‘Cause Blair will never forgive you for what you did to her.
Chuck: Who told you that little piece of advice, your boyfriend Nate?
Serena: Nate didn’t say anything.
Chuck: Good. ‘Cause I don’t think it’s wise taking relationship advice from somebody in a fake relationship. Call me crazy. Enjoy another night alone with your thoughts.
Serena: Good luck on your suicide mission.
Eric about Chuck: He’s got a PI on speed dial.
Serena marching over: Nate!
Eric: I know that face. That face is not your friend.
Serena: Wait wait wait. No, let me guess. You can explain.
Dan: I haven’t been able to get you out of my head all summer. I was hoping, when I saw you I would that we did the right thing. But I don’t feel that way. I don’t feel that way at all.
Serena: Can we not talk about this right now? I have to make sure that my grandfather’s suit from the 70s isn’t ruined. Any more than it was by being my grandfather’s suit from the 70s.
Dan: I missed that little laugh of yours.
Serena: It was so romantic, what you did. Showing up here. And it feels so right to be together.
Dan: But you’re having second thoughts.
Serena: No. I, I just think that we should think before we get back together. Right?
Dan: Yeah, I, I thought this meant we were back together.
Blair: Marcus dated the descendant of Princess Grace. His consort needs to be able to host royal dinners and hobnob with oligarchs and dictators.
Serena: Well if you can’t find common ground with a dictator I don’t know who can.
Blair: This party’s a complete bust. My whole life’s a bust.
Serena: Well it serves you right. You were scheming to convince Marcus you’re someone you’re not.
Blair: But my intentions were good. I really do like him, I just— As soon as I knew he liked me I would have relaxed and dropped the manipulative plotting and devoted myself to being the best girlfriend ever.
Serena: See? Thank you! There’s my B. Show this girl to Catherine and she’ll want you to be with Marcus. This is you, just be yourself.
Blair: She made Waldorf rhyme with Spears. I may as well have gone commando and held my party at Nyla’s Burger Basket.
Dan: A coming out party?
Serena: Well sooner or later people are going to figure out we’re dating. We’re not exactly the world’s most covert secret couple.
Dan: Yeah, my family’s getting curious about my new friend that Clive that keeps calling… and calling.
Serena: Why can’t you support me?
Blair: Have you two talked about everything? About all the very real reasons you broke up last year?
Serena: Not completely.
Blair: Well when you do, if you’re still together, I’ll be happy for you. ‘Til then I just think you’re fooling yourselves.
Serena: Who was that?
Chuck: A little whiff of the Far East.
Serena: Sometimes I envy you. The way you just— Ew. What am I saying? You’re disgusting.
Chuck: Relax. Nothing happened with Madame Butterfly.
Serena: Yeah. right.
Chuck: No. Nothing happened. Same as nothing’s been happening all week.
Serena: What are you talking about? You’ve had different girls every day. No.
Chuck: I’ll take your incredulity as a compliment.
Serena: C’mon. You must have tried—
Chuck: Everything. From the erotic to the pharmaceutical.
Serena: I’m sorry. I’m not laughing. It’s just so obvious you’re not over Blair. Look, c’mon, this is your body’s way of telling you.
Chuck: I don’t have a romantic bone in my body. Least of all that one.
Serena: I’m scared.
Dan: I know. Me too.
Serena: When I step out of here it’s over.
Dan: I think, I think it was already. It just took us this long to realize. To get used to the idea. Serena? I still…
Serena: I know. Me too. the door closes. I love you.
Chuck: Humphrey was holding you back. You’re a born queen this is your year to rule. Why fight it?
Serena: Because I don’t want it, okay? Being queen is Blair’s whole thing. Plus, if she needs a eunuch she knows where to look.
Chuck: You may feel differently when the trumpets call. Bring the OJ. There’s champagne in the limo.
Eric: He’s kidding. I think.
Serena: I loved you. And just because we broke up doesn’t mean I could just turn it off like that.
Dan: Maybe we should stay away from each other for awhile.
Serena: Yeah, you’re right. You and Amanda should probably go.
Dan: Are you ordering me to leave?
Serena: Consider it a suggestion.
Gossip Girl: Spotted: a beautiful blonde phoenix rising from the ashes of a major public humiliation.
Serena: Never again. From now on, everything goes through me.
Welcome back, Queen Serena. Consider us your humbled servants. ‘Cause if looks could kill we wouldn’t want to be Dan Humphrey.
Blair: You blew off our most beloved tradition.
Serena: Just get over it, Blair.
Blair: Excuse me?
Serena: My whole life I have been bending over backwards to protect your feelings. And you what? It’s not my fault you’re so insecure.
Blair: And I’m sure it’s not your fault you’re so conceited.
Serena: I’m just tired of trying to hold myself back so I don’t outshine you.
Blair: Oh my god. Can you hear the words that are coming out of your mouth?
Serena: It’s just the truth. From now on, I’m going to be who I am. And if you can support that and not be threatened and competitive, then great. If not…
Blair: Of all the things—Nate, my mom, the girls at school—you wouldn’t take this from me. Because if you do, I swear I will take you down.
Serena: I’m not taking anything from you, Blair. I was invited. And as for taking me down. I’d love to see you try.
Serena: Chuck, no. You just told me two things I never wanted to hear. And one is going to haunt me for the rest of my life.
Serena: I hate this stupid headband!
Blair: What are you doing here? Making sure the Dean knows it’s all my fault?
Serena: No. I came to tell him that Yale is your dream and you deserve to go here more than I do. What are you doing here?
Blair: Doing the same thing for you.
Serena: I was up all night thinking about the first time we came here together when we were nine. Your dad took us to that Harvard-Yale game and you tackled Senator Shumer’s daughter for wearing a Harvard sweatshirt.
Blair: I bet those grass stains never came out.
Serena: I don’t want to not know you. I can’t not know you.
Blair: Maybe we just had that fight because the reality of being separated next year is just too scary to think about.
Bart: Did you get the little suit that I laid out for you, Serena?
Serena: That was for me? I thought the housekeepers got new uniforms.
Lily: Conservative, yes. But classic. Bart brought it from Paris. It had its own seat on his plane.
Serena: Bart bought me a suit?
Eric: New watch.
Chuck: Cash. Direct deposit into one of my offshore accounts.
Serena: What’s next, no TV until after you finish your homework?
Eric: They’re just a few rules, Serena. Who watches TV on the TV anymore anyway.
Serena: It’s not about the rules, Eric. It’s about mom. When it’s just the three of us it’s fine. But anytime she gets a new guy she Stepfords out and lets him make all the decisions.
Eric: I don’t think that’s what’s happening.
Serena: Remember when we had to move to [Chemany] because German Klaus wanted to ski all year round.
Eric: That wasn’t so bad.
Serena: Oh. What about Paolo. The raw food diet family. Colonics. Or Samir. I know I enjoyed our brief conversion to Islam.
Eric: I see what you mean.
Chuck: Isn’t it about time you ended this bromance? What happens at Yale stays at Yale.
Serena: I’m really glad you’re Nate’s friend. He needs someone like you right now.
Dan: Hey. How’s AP Economics treating you?
Serena: Well today there was a rousing debate about inflation versus liquidity. Which Isabel solved by calling Warren Buffett. Apparently he’s her godfather.
Dan: Hey, um, so the other night, seeing you was really nice. I know the first leg of the “Dan-Serena: Let’s Be Friends” tour was a disaster.
Serena: Well we were young and stupid then. Now we’re older and wiser.
Blair: I have an itch that only Chuck can scratch and he won’t oblige unless I tell him I love him.
Dan: You need help getting Chuck to sleep with you? Really?
Blair: You hear the judgment in his voice right now, right?
Serena: He’s working on that.
Serena: Wow. This looks complicated.
Aaron: Don’t worry. You walk into a surgery halfway through it looks like murder.
Serena: Can I help?
Aaron: You know how to weld?
Serena: Um, I’ve seen Flashdance several times.
Aaron: If you can tell me the fate of Cecil the Caterpillar I will go out with you.
Serena: Okay, I don’t really date crazy people who speak in riddles.
Blair: Chuck just texted me. He wants to meet me on the roof.
Serena: The roof?
Blair: Well this way if he doesn’t say it back to me then I can just jump. And then he’ll be really sorry.
Serena: Oh no, don’t do it B. You don’t want your obit to say you died in Brooklyn.
Serena: Look, I’m sorry that Blair and Chuck messed with Vanessa. She doesn’t deserve that. But instead of hurting Blair you should have been honest with me.
Serena: Hey. Um, what are you doing here?
Aaron: I just had a meeting with a collector. So did you figure out—
Serena: Cecil the Caterpillar. Camp Suisse. We got married and exchanged licorice rings.
Aaron: And you ate your five minutes after the ceremony. When did you finally remember?
Serena: Um, about the time you were speeding away with a girl on the back of your motorcycle.
Aaron: Audra. Yeah, she’s a friend. No, I recognized you the moment you walked into the gallery.
Serena: No, you didn’t. But that’s okay.
Aaron: Some faces you don’t forget.
Blair: Well, you finally did it. Made absolutely sure I’m never going to get into Yale.
Serena: What are you talking about?
Blair: Little Emma? Turns out she’s less Holly Hobby and more Jenna Jameson.
Serena: Can you speak plainly?
Blair: She’s determined to become a woman on my watch. And if I don’t help pimp her she’s going to character assassinate me to the dean.
Serena: I don’t understand. I thought she liked ice cream and magic.
Blair: Next time leave the scheming to the experts. What are those?
Serena: Pictures from Camp Suisse. Aaron dressed up as Cecil the Caterpillar. I bumped into him outside The Palace.
Blair: The guy gave you a ring pop when you were six. Move on.
Serena: It was licorice and I was eight.
Blair: Ancient. Unimportant. History.
Chuck: So Humbert Humbert’s name is Serge Gromance. His father plays tennis at the club. I know where his building is. Let’s go.
Blair: I’m going over there.
Serena: I’m late for the Gala. My mom’s texting me. Look, do whatever you want Blair. But please, save Emma first.
Blair: Fine. We’ll save Little Red Riding Hood from the Big Bad Wolf. But after that it’s “Bulldog! Bulldog! Rah rah rah!”
Serena: B, it’s time to get up. There are other schools besides Yale. Like Princeton.
Blair: Princeton is a trade school. There’s only Yale.
Serena: Well I’m proud of you for not succumbing to your baser instincts. Hey, even though you might not get into Yale at least you won’t go to Hell.
Serena: That sounds… um, awful. phone rings Oh, sorry. I’ve got to run.
Serena: Yeah. He asked me to pose for him in his studio. To be his muse.
Blair: And you said yes?
Serena: Why not? It’s romantic.
Blair: No. It’s a death trap. Being a muse never works out.
Serena: Plenty of women have been both lover and muse to famous artists. Like Picasso.
Blair: Serena! A guy starts out in his Blue Period and everything’s great. But it’s only a matter of time before he’s all into Cubism and it’s some other girl’s eye coming out of her forehead.
Serena: I kind of like being your inspiration.
Aaron: Good. Get used to it.
Danielle: Hey Aaron. Am I early?
Aaron: No actually you’re right on time. Serena, this is Danielle. She models for me.
Serena: Hey. I thought modeling was our thing.
Aaron: I’m doing a series.
Cyrus: Ah. The Mythical Serena.
Serena: Oh. You must be Cyrus, Eleanor’s boyfriend. How did you know who I was?
Cyrus: Well I recognized you from Aaron’s studio.
Serena: You know Aaron?
Cyrus: He’s my son.
Serena: Oh my goodness.
Cyrus: You didn’t catch the family resemblance? Oh it’s okay.
Aaron: I don’t know how it works in high school, but I like to date more than one person at once. You’re free to date other people too.
Serena: Well thank you for the condescending lecture but that’s not really my thing.
Serena: I really tried to deal with the casual dating thing but it’s just not for me.
Blair: Of course it’s not. Because beneath that free spirit façade you’re totally conventional just I am.
Serena: It’s not a façade. I believe in freedom. People following their hearts, doing what they want. You know I always wish I had lived in the 60s.
Blair: You believe in long hair, peasant skirts and sandals. But you in an open relationship, I don’t think so.
Blair: Even though Daddy isn’t coming, I’m determined to have the perfect Thanksgiving I didn’t get last year. You’re still going to help me make his famous pie tomorrow.
Serena: Yeah, but I can only stay for a couple of hours. Aaron is coming to meet my family before Thanksgiving dinner.
Blair: And how do you plan to introduce him? “Mom, you DVR Big Love. This is Aaron. And he’s just like Bill Paxton only younger. And with scruff.” I’m serious. The Serena I know would never want to share a guy she really liked with anyone else.
Serena: Well I’ll admit it’s been hard. I like him enough that I don’t want to date anyone else. And you can’t get the prize if you don’t want to compete, right?
Blair: There’s so many things wrong with that sentence. Here comes your Ghost of Boyfriends Past to haunt me.
Serena: Please, try to be civil.
Dan: Hey, have either of you seen Jenny?
Blair: Oh, if she’s hiding from you she has better taste than I thought. to Serena I tried.
Serena: My new boyfriend Aaron is on his way over to meet everyone and I want your word on something.
Chuck: If you’re talking about the dress, I’d say higher.
Serena: Chuck! I want your word that you will not mention anything about the girl I used to be. I just got Aaron all to myself and if the one thing I have to do to keep it that way is hide my recent history for awhile, then that’s what I’m going to do.
Chuck: I get it. You lied to him.
Serena: No I didn’t! I merely chose not to tell him everything I did. And it will come out naturally. Over the course of the many conversations we’re going to have as we’re dating exclusively.
Chuck: You have my word. Whatever that’s worth.
Serena: Oh my god! You’re here!
Serena: Hey. That was so not on the same level as my “hi”.
Aaron: Uh… I bumped into Dan at the store. He just said something, I’m trying to figure it out.
Serena: Figure what out?
Aaron: Something about a girl named Georgina?
Serena: What? What’s, um, he even talking about? That’s… gosh. Um. Well you know he’s… he’s probably just jealous.
Aaron: Yeah, I mean he was talking about Thanksgiving a lot last year when you two were together, so.
Serena: Well. I guess he’s just not as over me as I thought he was. But seriously. Aaron, the next time he starts to tell you stories about me—
Aaron: No no, It’s never going to happen again.
Aaron: I don’t need to read that.
Serena: No, I think you do.
Aaron: Anything you want to tell me, you can tell me yourself. I want to know you. No matter what you’ve done or how long ago.
Aaron: I know Lexi can be a bit much.
Serena: Blair Waldorf is my best friend. I can handle “much”. But that felt personal.
Aaron: She doesn’t mean anything by it. She thinks she’s protecting me.
Serena: Oh, great. Well how long is the enforcer going to be with us?
Aaron: Uh, she’s staying with her folks through the holidays.
Serena: So is that Christmas Eve? Are we talking New Years Eve? Or maybe Boxing Day?
Aaron: You okay with her coming tomorrow?
Serena: Yeah. It’s a little When Harry Met Crazy but as long as Dan’s fine with it, then—
Aaron: I’m guessing Dan will end up being more than fine with it.
Aaron: Lexi likes to sleep with guys on the first date. She claims it’s a political statement against male-dominated sexual hypocrisy. Or something.
Serena: Can’t she just vote?
Cecilia: Ah! Come. Eat. You need your strength.
Serena: I’m not hungry.
Eric: I’m saving room for later.
Cecilia: In times of great uncertainties it’s even more important that we continue our daily rituals.
Serena: You haven’t eaten a Cheerio since you’ve been here.
Eric: And we know that’s gin in your coffee cup.
Cecilia: My point exactly. Life must go on. As it always has.
Serena: How’s mom?
Cecilia: I took her some coffee and some toast. She didn’t sleep very much last night.
Serena: Or any night since it happened.
Eric: All she does is make lists and yell at people.
Cecilia: People mourn in their own ways.
Serena: What happens tonight when it’s all over and there’s nothing left for her to do?
Eric: Maybe she’ll move into The Palace and hole up with Chuck.
Cecilia: Ah, yes. The bottomless minibar and the comfort of the twins in room service. It’s a scandal.
Lily: People mourn in their own ways, Mother. I’ve been assured by the hotel that if Chuck isn’t alive and well, well… at least he’s alive.
Serena: Hey. I wasn’t expecting to see you.
Dan: I know. I was just coming to check in on you, see how you were.
Serena: I’m fine. I’m just worried about my mom and Eric. And Chuck.
Dan: That’s nice. I’m worried about you.
Serena: Thank you so much for being such a rock these past few days. It’s meant so much having you around.
Dan: Yeah well, it’s not a problem. It just, it feels natural.
Serena: It does, doesn’t it?
Serena: Aaron invited me to Buenos Aires for the holidays.
Dan: Oh! Okay. Well, I’ve never been so I don’t know how helpful I can be with travel tips. I know that it’s summer there so pack a bikini.
Serena: Dan. When we heard about Bart’s accident we were in the middle of a conversation.
Dan: Right. About what it would mean, with you sleeping with Aaron and me sleeping with Lexi.
Serena: But that never happened, so…
Dan: So. I mean I guess now it will, right? At least for you.
Dan: Are you asking me to ask you not to go?
Dan: Look Serena, if you want to go, go. If you don’t, don’t. I can’t tell you who to be with.
Serena: No but you can tell me how you feel.
Dan: How do you feel? About your boyfriend who wants to take you to South America?
Serena: Well I mean, he’s really great. I like him a lot.
Dan: Well then that’s your answer then.
Lily: Let me explain.
Serena: Don’t bother. You love Rufus, you always have. And you married Bart anyway and now he’s dead.
Lily: Well I might have fleshed out some of the more subtle nuances, but yes, I suppose that’s the gist of it. So go ahead. How could I? Bart’s body’s not even cold. Whatever horrible things you’re going to say to me, just say them.
Serena: I should have seen this coming.
Lily: You once asked me—begged me— not to be with Rufus because of you and Dan.
Serena: Has Rufus told you he wants to be with you?
Lily: He has.
Serena: Well this may sound strange coming from me but if you want to be with him then you should. Maybe it’s your time now. After all you’ve been through you should at least try.
Lily: And what about you and Dan?
Serena: I’m going to try and make things work with Aaron. We’re going to Buenos Aires for the holidays. That’s if it’s okay with my mom.
Lily: I think that’s great.
Dan: Hey. You’re back.
Serena: Yeah. Just. I literally drove here from the airport.
Dan: Well you look tan.
Serena: Well it is summer in Buenos Aires.
Dan: That’s right. Southern hemisphere—
Serena: I broke up with Aaron.
Dan: Oh. When?
Serena: About three hours after we left New York. Which was maybe not the brightest idea on a fifteen hour flight. When I landed I got an email from my mom saying her and your dad weren’t going to be together now or ever.
Dan: I know. I tried calling you before you left. If you knew… I mean you could have called or emailed. Of course unless you didn’t want to.
Serena: No. I needed to make sure that when the dust settled that we still felt the same.
Dan: And do you?
Serena: Yes. Do you? Dan kisses her
Serena: Hey, did Jack ever find Chuck?
Blair: Yeah. What was left of him. I’m surprised they made it through customs. Chuck’s body odor could have given a contact high to half of Manhattan. S. I have to tell you something. I did something so stupid.
Serena: B., what is it?
Blair: I told Chuck I loved him.
Serena: Oh my gosh! That’s great!
Blair: Great? No, it’s awful. Not only did he not say it back but he disappeared. For a month. I could just go back and strangle myself as the words come out.
Serena: I’m sure Chuck will say it back. He was probably thinking about you the whole time he was gone.
Blair: Not unless I was a Thai hooker named Beau. There’s something else.
Serena: Oh. Hey, this is my news. When I was in Buenos Aires I—
Blair: A postcard would have been fine. I’m really happy for you. I’m going to go vomit now.
Blair: I need to talk to you.
Dan: And I’m— I’ll see you later.
Blair: Have you seen Chuck today?
Serena: No. Why?
Blair: Did he come home last night?
Serena: Blair, I don’t know. What’s wrong?
Blair: Yesterday Queller caught him smoking hash at school. There was a meeting. And to say it went badly would be an understatement. I’m worried.
Serena: Blair, it’s Chuck. He’s somewhere blowing off steam. That’s what he does. He’ll show up in a few days minus several million brain cells and some liver tissue.
Blair: That’s true. He always disappeared. Marrakesh. Prague. And he always came back. Tie perfectly knotted. But this time I looked in his eyes. I couldn’t see him anymore.
Serena: You’re really worried. Okay, um, okay. Just give it ’til tonight and if he hasn’t shown up yet I’ll help you.
Serena: Hey, is everything okay? I came as fast as I could.
Blair: Fine. False alarm.
Serena: Wait. What happened?
Blair: Chuck. He’s holed up at Victrola in some Jim Morrison downward spiral. Sad in a way. Luckily, it’s not my concern. Thank you for coming. Dorota! I think my guests from The Colony Club are here.
Serena: Wait. If Chuck is really in trouble then we need to help him. He doesn’t have any brothers and sisters. We are all he has. You are all he has.
Blair: He doesn’t want my help.
Serena: So that’s just it? You’re going to abandon him for some society matrons?
Blair: Those “matrons” as you call them, are helping me build a life. All Chuck can do is destroy one. I’m not abandoning Chuck. I’m just saving myself.
Eric: Three times this week I planned a dinner with Jonathan and every time Jenny just happened to show up.
Serena: Well she doesn’t have anyone else. All the mean girls hate her. You gotta give her time to make new friends.
Eric: But doesn’t she understand the whole point of having a boyfriend is to be alone.
Serena: Yeah, seems to be a problem with the entire Humphrey clan.
Dan: If your mom says nothing’s going on then that’s good.
Serena: Yeah well, she usually is pretty honest about these things. A little too honest actually.. Supposedly Sarkozy was a bad kisser.
Dan: Well that’s a relief. Not the thing about Sarkozy. That’s kind of disappointing.
Serena: Are you sure this is the best time for a flare-up of Chuck fever?
Blair: I’m having no such thing. We’re just friends. He’s gone through a lot. And he needs someone to be there. Anyway, you’re the one that told me to help him out in the first place. Hey, what’s up with Gossip Girl putting out a hit on Dan?
Serena: Excuse me?
Blair: Apparently Gossip Girl is looking for evidence to prove that Dan’s cheating on you. Not that anyone else would ever want Dan Humphrey—no offense.
Serena: So how was your non-date with Chuck last night?
Blair: He had to reschedule. Spare me those expressive eyebrows. I can’t wait ’till you get botox.
Serena: I’m just saying—
Blair: You’re just saying nothing.
Eric: Have you spoken to mom yet?
Serena: No. It went straight to her voicemail.
Eric: Yeah, me too. Are you okay?
Serena: Not really. I’m so mad at her for keeping this from us but at the same time I feel incredibly sad for her and Rufus.
Eric: I know. Sounds like it’s got Grandma written all over it.
Serena: And reeks of gin and Chanel No. 5.
Eric: It is so weird that we have a half… something.
Serena: And so do Dan and Jenny.
Eric: Are you and Dan going to be okay?
Serena: I don’t know. I had enough trouble with the idea of mom and Rufus dating, but now I share a sibling with my boyfriend. That’s little more hillbilly than I can handle.
Eric: It is a little twisted. But so what?
Serena: Well what if we can’t get past it?
Eric: I don’t know. But you can’t push Dan away right now. Whatever you are going through he’s going through the same thing.
Dan: Through all this I had so many thoughts going through my head, but the one that kept popping up again and again: what does this mean—for us?
Serena: I don’t know, but we’ll figure it out. Because I know no matter what I want to be with you.
Dan: Me too.
Serena: And there’s gotta be some kind of precedent for this, right?
Dan: Yeah, yeah, there’s gotta— in literature, uh, Toni Morrison maybe. Flannery O’Connor. The Russian aristocrats before they all became hemophiliacs.
Serena: Or Clueless. Alicia Silverstone’s character dated her ex-step brother. And they made it work. That’s super skeevy.
Dan: Thank you. That makes me feel so much better.
Dan: I keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason. I’ll end up in the right place. But what if I don’t get in?
Serena: Forget you. What if I do and Blair doesn’t?
Dan: Fire and brimstone. And a lot of bitchy asides. Death by Dorota.
Lily: Well now that this is all out in the open maybe we can stop sneaking around. I mean we’ve had the awkward run-in and it isn’t so bad. I don’t know why we thought this would be so weird.
Dan: Let’s leave. Now.
Serena: Nice try mom.
Rufus: Yeah, seriously. Good effort.
Blair: What are you doing?
Serena: I’m just reading the Brown catalog. Oh! And I ordered a home dreadlocking kit. Want to meet up later?
Blair: Definitely. Maybe we can get a jumpstart on your veganism. Have some celebratory seitan at Angelica Kitchen.
Serena: Um. I can’t think of anything better. Or, grosser.
Blair: I’ll call you after.
Blair: Never, in my 16,982 hours of schooling have I ever been sentenced to detention.
Serena: I can’t believe you added up all the hours of class we’ve had. Makes me wanna play hooky.
Blair: One month with Ms. Carr and I’m serving a week of hard time. Dorota! Hey, be more thorough!
Serena: Well I think you might have had a little something to do with that. The opera. The boathouse. Ring a bell? Look, all I know is I’ve never had a teacher who’s actually taken me seriously. It feels like she really gets me. Is that weird?
Blair: Looks like Humphrey has some competition.
Serena: Dan and I have barely spoken all week.
Blair: They say conversation is the first thing to go.
Serena: We will talk. There’s just a lot going on right now. Look, B, I gotta go. I know where Rachel eats breakfast and I gotta drop off my extra credit essay before I go to school. I’ll see you there.
Serena: Rachel. Dan.
Rachel: Hi Serena.
Serena: You guys are hanging out?
Dan: Yeah well, Rachel’s been giving me some feedback on my stories.
Rachel: And by feedback he means a wall of praise. Dan is a really good writer.
Serena: Trust me, I know.
Dan: Okay. Alright, now I gotta go. Guess I’ll see you at school. awkwardly slaps Serena’s shoulder. She returns the gesture.
Rachel: It’s like I have spinach in my teeth or something. I actually went into the bathroom to check. And I don’t.
Serena: Yeah, it’s not spinach. Um. It’s a rumor. A pretty ugly one. About you and Dan. But I know it’s not true.
Rachel: A rumor. About me and Dan. I’ve been at this school long enough to know what that means. Unbelievable.
Serena: Yeah, well, don’t worry. I’ve been on Gossip Girl plenty of times. And for worse things. Some of them true, some of them weren’t. But eventually everyone forgets. The best thing to do with these things is nothing at all.
Rachel: Gossip Girl?
Serena: Oh. Yeah, it’s a website where a girl posts gossip. At least we think it’s a girl.
Rachel: And where does she get her tips?
Serena: Um. It’s anonymous. So no one really knows.
Serena: Gossip Girl is just a stupid website.
Rachel: How can you say that? When its sole purpose is to allow people to post terrible things about each other.
Serena: I’m not defending Gossip Girl. I’m defending my best friend.
Rachel: Believe me, Serena, I’m sorry this all happened. But I have to go. I have an appointment before the parents meeting. I do hope we can still be friends.
Blair: Turns out I can still apply to Oberlin. The face, Serena. Try and pretend it’s not totally tragic.
Serena: You were right about Dan and Rachel.
Blair: Seriously? I must have picked up on something. We need proof. You have proof! Give it to me.
Serena: Dan said that nothing was going on. So I should probably just talk to him first.
Blair: And give him another opportunity to lie to you. How awful. I’m so sorry S. But this is the smoking gun I’ve been waiting for.
Dan: Look I get why Blair went after Rachel but why you?
Serena: I felt like a fool. I thought you lied to me.
Dan: I told you nothing was going on.
Serena: I know.
Dan: So why were you so ready to believe the worst?
Serena: Honestly? I think a part of me wanted to. Dan. We keep trying to act like we can overcome anything.
Dan: Yeah, pretending none of it matters. Our parents dating. Sharing a brother. I mean, different colleges next year. It’s over isn’t it?
Serena: Well we had to try.
Blair: When I saw The Age of Innocence with Daddy I always saw myself as Winona. But playing a stronger, more emotionally complex female lead just feels so right. Dorota! Hair pin. Besides, you’re so much more suited to play May, who is so… pretty.
Serena: Uh. Thanks.
Blair: Alas, my life is perfect. My only problem: how to relate to my character. Countess Olenska is a ruined woman with no prospects. And let’s face it, I have the world on a string. Of course there is the odious task of playing opposite Dan Humphrey. Dorota! Enough. How are you two doing, BTW?
Serena: I’m just trying to think about it. Distracting myself with other… distractions.
Blair: You mean your crush on our director?
Serena: Julian is kind of amazing. Isn’t he? Did you know that he directed—
Blair: Bogosian off-Broadway in his last year at Julliard. Blah blah blah. You can always depend on Constance to snare some wunderkind. But S. aren’t you sick of brooding artists?
Serena: Well he broods in the sexiest way. That is when he’s not looking right through me.
Julian: Have you ever seen Little Foxes?
Vanessa: Are you kidding? Serena made me see it like, what, three times? She’s obsessed with Bette Davis.
Serena: Bette Davis. Um, yeah…. I love her eyes. Her hair is Harlow gold.
Blair: You’re right. I’m an actress. No, I’m a seagull.
Serena: No. You’re a shameless bitch.
Blair: Now what?
Serena: Everything you’ve done—spreading rumors about who I’ve had sex with, what alley I puked in, or telling Dean Berube that I killed Pete Fairman—I forgave everything, all because one day I thought one day you’d grow up. But putting out a Gossip Girl blast about Yale and the press release.
Blair: Serena, I didn’t put out the blast.
Serena: At least have the dignity not to lie to my face.
Blair: But I’m not lying.
Serena: Only two people knew about it. You and Dan. And Dan would never do something like that. I always want to believe the best in you, Blair. The bottom line is, betrayal’s in your nature.
Serena: I know it was Rachel that sent the Gossip Girl blast. I’m sorry I didn’t believe you.
Blair: Why would you.
Serena: What do you mean?
Blair: Believe me. Nine times out of ten I would have sent the blast. Like you said, betrayal’s in my nature.
Serena: I didn’t mean—
Blair: Spare me, Serena. I don’t need a stirring speech telling me what I could person I am. I know I’m not. Yale kicking me out is the karma I’ve earned.
Blair: Could you please leave? I want to be alone.
Serena: You’re still my best friend.
Blair: Do you know how exhausting it’s been being Blair Waldorf for the past 18 years. All the work, the planning.
Serena: You mean the plotting?
Blair: Yes. I’m glad it blew up in my face. It was a wakeup call. I was such an overachiever I was headed for a quarter life crisis at 18.
Serena: Well B, you’ve had a couple of setbacks but there must still be a way to get into a great college and if anyone can do it, it’s you.
Serena: Hey. We have a problem.
Chuck: Let me guess. Carter Baizen. As usual you’re a step behind.
Serena: He’s encouraging the worst in her.
Chuck: True. Unfortunately my PI has yet to dig up an unpaid creditor or a jealous husband that would clear Baizen out.
Serena: Tell him you want to see him.
Chuck: Why? What do you have?
Serena: Just do it.
Lily: Did you and Blair find something you like at BBH?
Serena: Well Blair certainly did. Are you reorganizing?
Lily: Oh no. Just reminiscing.
Serena: Why is Bart’s name next to Trent Reznor and the Klauses? Oh my god. Mom, what is that?
Serena: No no. Please. Don’t answer.
Lily: It’s a long story between me and Rufus.
Serena: Wait, you’re not showing Rufus that are you?
Lily: Well. We agreed to be up front with each other.
Serena: Up front, okay. But mom. It’s gonna take him 20 minutes to get through the 90s alone.
Lily: I know. I know. We got into this tiff because he hadn’t told me he dated Bex. And then the next thing I know I was saying yes to lists. And how am I going to back out now? Besides, I’m not ashamed of my past. Well most of it anyway. Do you think he’ll judge?
Serena: Blair needs to regroup so you need to bid adieu.
Carter: Dubai again. Nice try but I’m having too much fun. Nothing’s going to get me to leave town.
Serena: What about Santorini? You think Blair will want to hear about that? The Greek guy Spiros? The Greek police. I still have all their phone numbers from when they questioned me.
Carter: You wouldn’t.
Serena: I would. But I won’t if you leave town now. Alone.
Carter: There are a few things I could hold over your head from that trip. But consider us even.
Serena: Dorota, please. Can’t you see that Blair has changed.
Dorota: Yes. It like old Miss Blair then New Miss Blair, like it was Old Miss Serena now New Miss Serena. Very hard to keep track.
Dan: Serena, hey how are you— she slaps him. Woah. What was that for?
Serena: I don’t know, Newland Archer. Try to rack your brain a little.
Dan: Blair told you about me and Rachel.
Serena: In the costume closet, yes.
Dan: Well you and I were broken up.
Serena: Oh so that makes it okay to have sex with a teacher?
Dan: She wasn’t my teacher.
Serena: No. She was mine. And you slept with her at school, during a play, with me probably 20 feet away.
Dan: Okay, yeah. Right. When you put it like that. she smiles What? Why are you smiling?
Serena: I don’t know. I am mad, but that was invigorating.
Dan laughs. That’s good to know that you enjoy hitting people. sees a woman taking a shot with her iPhone. Oh look! That’s wonderful. I’ll be sure to check that out on bitchslappedagain.com later.
Serena punches him: Let’s go get you ice.
Serena: Chuck. Nothing. Okay, fine. Have fun drinking by yourself. She turns to leave.
Chuck: I’m losing her.
Serena: Well then fight for her. She did for you.
Chuck: I tried. And failed.
Serena: Well then try again, Chuck. Her plan didn’t work out for her and she doesn’t know what’s going to happen next. If you want to be back in her life make her feel safe. You know what to say.
Poppy: So what about you? What’s new? Seeing anybody?
Serena: Oh yeah. Dan and I got back together. But then we broke up again.
Poppy: Oh, I’m sorry. And your friend, what’s her name, Blair?
Poppy: How’s she doing?
Serena: Good. Now. There was this thing between us but then we worked it out so…
Poppy: Sounds like everything’s exactly the same as it was last time I saw you. Makes catching up easier though, right?
Lily: We wanted to tell you in person—all of you.
Serena: We are planning a Sweet Sixteen party for you here. Tomorrow night.
Lily: Fantastic caterers and beautiful flowers.
Serena: DJ, the perfect guest list. We wanted it to be a surprise though.
Lily: We heard you had one of those last year and it didn’t go so well.
Eric: Oh… Jenny Cake.
Rufus: Well that’s why this year I was more than happy to delegate to people I know better.
Gossip Girl: Spotted: S learning he answer to the age-old question. What if you were throwing a party and no one cared? When that happens, don’t cancel—
Serena: Poppy. Hey it’s Serena. You know that party I was telling you about. I was hoping we could meet up. I need your help.
—Make them eat cake.
Serena: Wait, back up Blair. Nate and Vanessa broke up?
Blair: Well they had a falling out after the van der Bilt party. Hadn’t spoken for a week and broke up last night.
Serena: How do you know all this? Have you dumped me for Vanessa?
Gossip Girl: When you lose hope in a dream sometimes all you’re left with is sleepless nights. While some call the doctor for a refill, I find the best solution is a full social calendar.
Serena: So you found a way to get over Blair then.
Chuck: Well there was a detour with a BoHo barista. But then I realized I’m a seventeen year old billionaire. With tremendous stamina. Tonight I have a date with the Bolshoi’s lead ballerina. By the way, I saw Poppy Lifton at the Rose Bar last week. It’s funny how she can be there yet still be in Spain with you.
Cyrus: Hello? Yes. This is Cyrus Rose.
Serena: This is Serena van der Woodsen. I think I need a lawyer.
Rufus: How did antique shopping turn into shoe shopping?
Lily: Well my darling, all shopping eventually leads to shoe shopping.
Rufus: If only people felt that way about art.
Lily: Thinking about Dan’s tuition?
Rufus: Mid-range collectors just aren’t buying right now.
Lily: Well you never know when things will turn around. pulls out a shoe Now who says that these are not art?
Cyrus: I can certainly look into the legalities of it. But I think you should tell your mother.
Serena: We’re not in a good place right now. I don’t think I could go up to her and say, “Sorry, I got married in Spain. But don’t worry. Cyrus is helping me get a quickie annulment.”
Serena: Two days into the trip Poppy and Gabriel get into this huge fight and so she just leaves— abandoning me and Gabriel and so I stayed around to keep him company.
Dan: Well you did a bang up job.
Serena: Dan, please. Gabriel and Poppy were over and it’s not like either one of us planned this. This thing between us just happened and we couldn’t stop it.
Dan: This “thing” was a marriage. What were you thinking?
Serena: I don’t know. I wasn’t. But I don’t even know if I’m married. That’s what Cyrus is trying to figure out.
Dan: How does one not know if one is married?
Serena: Well. There was a dinner. And then we had a lot of Rioja. And then dancing. And then a lot more Rioja. And then we took off our clothes and went swimming in the ocean.
Dan: Alright, let’s skip that part.
Serena: Yeah. Um. So the next thing I know, Gabriel is just screaming, “I love you! I love you!” And he’s banging on this church door trying to wake up a priest and—
Dan: Okay, so there was a priest. Did you say “I do.”?
Serena: Well I said, “Si.” I don’t know. It was all in Spanish. It was crazy.
Serena: Gabriel, what are you doing here?
Gabriel: How can you ask me that. I woke up and you were gone. Not even a note.
Serena: But how did you find me?
Gabriel: I called your apartment. The guy who answered said you’d probably be here. He also asked me if I had any hash.
Blair: Rats go underground. Not Waldorfs.
Serena: Well you could always borrow Chuck’s helicopter. Kidding…
Blair: Chuck. What a waste of time that was. You know it’s not a real relationship if you can’t hold hands. Oh and Nate is good to me. Good for me. And he’s learned a thing or two.
Serena: Hm. So being a kept man does have its perks.
Blair: Yeah, but no man is worth suffering the indignity of mass transit.
Serena: Gabriel. It’s a movie. You know most of them are only like 80 minutes these days.
Gabriel: And you know that there’s nothing else I’d rather do. But I’m a little behind reviewing the prospectus. You know this is important to me.
Serena: Yeah. And you spending time with my family is important to me.
Blair: You have to dump him! We caught that redneck red handed.
Serena: Well B obviously I’m not thrilled, but I’m going to get to the bottom of this on my own. You know why can’t you worry about your own relationship problems for a change?
Blair: What is that supposed to mean?
Serena: It was Friday night and you were out spying on my boyfriend. Instead of seeing a movie. Why can’t anybody see a movie around here?
Blair: Let me get this straight. Gabriel is still popping Poppy and you’re okay with that? No no. This is too MOB. Put on the Vena Cava.
Serena: For the hundredth time, he’s not still sleeping with her. And while it’s not ideal he is going to break up with her next week.
Blair: And what proof did he offer of that?
Serena: He doesn’t need proof, B. Because I trust him. We have this amazing connection. Do you know he said he fell in love with me the first time he ever saw me?
Blair: Oh That is interesting. Considering the fact that he was on vacation with his girlfriend.
Serena: Actually the first time he saw me was a year ago when I was out with Georgina. He busted me on my fake Southern accent.
Blair: And what night was that? Don’t tell me it was that night. That night that you blacked out and don’t remember anything. He fell in love with you while you were roofied. How romantic.
Serena: No no no. It wasn’t like that. He said I was completely lucid. It must have been before Georgina drugged me. I just don’t happen to remember it.
Blair: Believe me, I had to learn the hard way. Trust is the most important thing in a relationship.
Serena: And we have that.
Blair: The way I trust Nate and he trusts me? Even though he may as well be going to school in Guam next year. I wouldn’t worry if I can’t find him. Because I know he will always be true to me.
Serena: I hope so B. Because no offense but we both know that that hasn’t always been the case.
Blair: What are you saying, that Nate is in love with you?
Serena: What are you saying, that Gabriel isn’t?
Blair: No! I just know he’s not going to break up with Poppy! Why would he? He’s having her cake and eating yours too.
Serena: So both Nate and Chuck are obsessed with you but my boyfriend can’t stay faithful to me for seven days.
Blair: No that’s— I love you. I just don’t want to see you get hurt. Okay?
Chuck: It’s Serena.
Georgina: Oo! Say hi for me. I have so much love in my heart for that girl. Chuck rolls his eyes.
Chuck: Did you find him?
Serena: No, I’m too late. I mean the drawers and closets are empty. He’s gone.
Serena: Hey Chuck, I really am sorry for not believing you and Blair earlier. But you never did tell me how you found out he was lying about meeting me that night at Butter.
Chuck: I’ll explain when I get there.
Serena: Thank you so much for… for bringing Nate?
Blair: I’m just as flummoxed as you are. I got out at 53rd and made a run for it but he’s faster than he looks. What happened? Don’t tell me that hick gave you scabie
Gabriel: I thought we were being careful.
Serena: Well I wasn’t careful enough it seems. I’m not pregnant. Just naive. I can’t believe I believed you. Don’t worry. You’re safe for now. I wanted to give you the opportunity to fix things, to prove you’re not who you probably are.
Gabriel: Listen you have to know how sorry I am.
Serena: I don’t know what you are right now except a liar and a thief. But you can change one of those by giving the money back.
Gabriel: I can’t do that.
Serena: Gabriel, why? If you’re just using me why come back? Why act like you care about me now?
Lily: You forced me to do this. I just hope you learned your lesson.
Serena: That my mom’s crazier than I ever imagined?
Lily: Well, no crazier than you, my daughter, thinking you could fix this situation yourself.
Serena: I was fixing this. But then you were too worried what people would think.
Lily: When you’re a mother you will understand that you have to make decisions that don’t always win you points for popularity.
Serena: When I’m a mother I will be nothing like you.
Lily: Yes. You say that now. But just wait.
Lily: I came down here to drop the charges and put this behind us. Please show a little respect and I will stick with my plan.
Serena: I’ll just stick to mine. If you didn’t notice you weren’t my phone call.
Lily: Ah. So who was?
Cece: She called me, darling. Ironic, isn’t it? If only she knew.
Serena: Hey Grandma.
Serena: Hey! There you are. Where’s the prom king?
Blair: We broke up.
Serena: What? But everything was so perfect. It was like a fairytale.
Blair: Turns out fairytale’s end when they do for a reason.