Gossip Girl Dan Humphrey

Season 6

2012.10.08    

Penn Badgley

Gone Maybe Gone

4 Months Ago

Georgina Sparks: Could it be any hotter? It’s a good thing you’re not fair-skinned, otherwise your summer under the Tuscan sun would end up under a scalpel removing a melanoma.
Dan: I know it was my idea, but why did I bring you to Italy? I should be at the workshop right now in Rome with all the other writers writing.
Georgina: You shouldn’t be creating in a workshop. You’re not an elf. Besides how can you possibly be inspired inside? But here, on the other hand, you’re really looking for payback. And what better place to knock the Upper East Side out of the Dark Ages than in the cradle of Renaissance itself. Da Vinci. Gallileo. Humphrey.
Dan: Underwood?
Georgina: Oh, dio mio. Have you learned nothing? Technology means hackers. We’re going old school. Don’t just stand there. Start typing

Today

Georgina: Did this really happen? You and Serena.
Dan: On the bar at The Campbell Apartment. Every dirty detail exactly as it occurred.
Georgina: Not that. The part where you guys get it on is Fifty Shades of boring. No offense. It’s after that when you realize she had a sex tape. She said she erased it but did you actually see her do it?
Dan: No. I don’t know. I mean she said she would. I’m sure she did.
Georgina: So she might still have it.

Georgina: Are you going to answer that?
Dan: No. It’s Blair. Again. And I know you might not believe it but I’d rather listen to you than Blair and her excuses for dumping me.

Georgina: Okay, change of plan.
Dan: Why? What did Blair say?
Georgina: There’s a new ending to your book if we can find Serena before anyone else does.

Dan: I think there’s jam on the steering wheel.
Georgina: Consider yourself lucky it’s just jam.

Dan: You really think Serena’s on drugs?
Georgina: Well hopefully. Or clinically insane. Either would be a great ending for your book.

Dan: You know you could at least pretend you’re relieved Serena wasn’t institutionalized.
Georgina: Any disappointment you’re sensing is not because the mental hospital was a dead end. It stems from the fact that you and I missed out on a real opportunity. Empty hospital bed, four-point restraints, sound-proof rubber walls–
Dan: No no no no no. you stop right there before I start chugging this premium unleaded.

Georgina: Something about mental hospitals really just gets me going.
Dan: Yeah, that’s because you’re insane.

Georgina: Serena recouping in rehab? Much less interesting than a full-on slut spiral.
Dan: That’s a heartwarming tale.

Blair: Where are you going and what are you doing with her?
Dan: Probably the same thing you’re doing with him.
Blair: Saving Serena.
Georgina: No. Finding Serena.

Serena: What the hell are you doing here?
Blair: Ah, looking for you.
Georgina: To observe and record.
Nate: No, we’re here to help you.
Chuck: And get you home.
Dan: And, ah, I don’t even know what I’m doing here. {both Blair and Georgina smack him}
Serena: Can’t you see there’s a party going on?
Chuck: Crashing parties is one of our favorite past times.
Georgina: Especially when it involves infiltrating a sophisticated and deadly cult. Now which one is the charismatic leader?

Dan: Blair, why don’t you go find Serena on your own. You know I’m really not up for a super secret mission. Especially with you. I’m not even here to help. Georgina just dragged me along so I could, you know– {she slaps him} Oh. Okay.
Blair: What is wrong with you?
Dan: Ah, aside from the fact that my face now hurts? You know what, Blair? You chose Chuck. I don’t owe you an explanation. Good luck.

Dan: Wisconsin? Seriously? Do you even know where that is on a map?

Dan: I don’t believe you.
Blair: Well I’m not going to let her just charge off without–
Dan: No, not Serena. You. That you chose Chuck, I don’t like but I begrudgingly accept.
Blair: Dan. Please don’t do this.
Dan: But then I find out that you’re not even with him.
Blair: I am with him. Or at least I will be. We made a pact. We have things that we both need to do on our own. But when we are both in that next place, we will be together. For good. End of story.
Dan: So I didn’t lose you to Chuck. I lost you to the idea of Chuck? At some point in the hopefully-not-too-distant future, maybe.
Blair: Well when you put it that way.
Dan: You know, you had someone who loved you unconditionally, treated you right and wanted to be with you every day. And then you threw that all away to let Chuck Bass decide when he’s ready for you? You think you have an epic love, but all you have are excuses.
Blair: I have to go find Serena.
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High Infidelity

Gossip Girl: Up and at ’em, Upper East Siders. It’s important to start your day right. There’s nothing worse than waking up on the wrong side of the bed.
Dan: I thought we agreed you’d stop watching me sleep.
Georgina: I lied. I’m letting you stay here for free. There has to be something in it for me.

Dan: Your sofa might be chic, but my neck is not happy with this kink.
Georgina: Would you prefer the kink of watching your father do it with Charlie again?

Georgina: Your loss of faith in humanity turns me on. As does the fact that your book was rejected by Simon & Schuster and you were dropped by your agent.
Dan: I still don’t get why they didn’t want it. They sent me to Italy to write Inside: Part Two,
and this time I deliver the real story with real names. Raw, hard facts.
Georgina: Please say “raw” and “hard” again.

Dan: What is the point of publishing an expose if you’re not going to expose everything?
Georgina: Who cares? They’re willing to pay for the version that works for them. It’ll get us both out of Brooklyn.
Dan: No, but then I’m compromising my integrity again. What happened to telling the truth about these people?
Georgina: Save your passion for your poetry. Which you can write as much as you want once this makes you rich and famous.

Georgina: Why is the handsome vacant one calling me?
Dan: If you’re referring to Nate, he has a surprisingly high IQ.

Dan: Georgina, what are we doing here? We weren’t even invited.
Georgina: Did not having a formal invite ever stop Norman Mailer from showing up?

Nelly: I had higher hopes for you, Humphrey.
Dan: Sorry, what?
Nelly: How could the smartest boy at St. Jude’s still want everything he can’t have?
Dan: No, I- I don’t want her. I was just… uh… I was just observing. It’s what writers do.
Nelly: I didn’t mean Blair. I meant “in”. Your whole Gatsby-ish obsession.
Dan: Fitzgerald seemed to make a good career out of it.
Nelly: If you wanna die a miserable drunk trying to impress people who don’t know you exist.
Dan: There is that fatal flaw.
Nelly: I got over mine when I went to Yale and met a bunch of other smart losers.
Dan: Nelly, you’re not a loser.
Nelly: Yes, I am. And so are you. They’ll never let us in. The sooner you accept it, the sooner you can stop trying and start competing.
Dan: That’s kind of tough when they already have everything.
Nelly: We have the truth. That’s how the losers win. We stop playing by their rules and make our own.

Nate: There are details in here the world doesn’t need to know. These are people you care about.
Dan: Nothing good came from my protecting them. Once I realized I live in a world where Chuck Bass gets the girl, everything seemed very clear. I’m not playing by anyone else’s rules anymore. I’m making my own. If you don’t want this, I can self-publish.
Nate: No no no, I want it. I’m just saying, I’ve only read one page and I’m guessing you might lose some friends and family.
Dan: My “friends” chased my sister out of town and chose a guy who traded her for a hotel over me. And my “family”… is sleeping with a con artist. I’m not losing anything here. I’m taking what’s mine.

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Dirty Rotten Scandals

Dan: You here on one of your famous blackmail missions? I hope you got it all on film.
Serena: Suck it, Humphrey.

Rufus: Dan, you’re my son and we have to find a way to put this behind us, but… when it comes to Ivy, you’re way out of line. I’m an adult. And you need to respect my decision to be with her.
Dan: Being with her is the adult decision? Throughout my entire life you have portrayed yourself as the moral compass, the guy who always does the right thing. According to Rufus Humphrey, there’s no road like the high road.
Rufus: Yes. I believe in doing the right thing.
Dan: So can’t you see what you’re doing with your life? Your whole “thing” is a lie. At least I wrote the truth. And the truth which, by the way, is a defense against libel, so you’ve got no case.
Rufus: Case? I don’t want a case! I just wanna have a real conversation with my son. So let me know if you see him around.
Dan: I will. I gotta go.

Nate: Why the hell do my advertisers think that Vanity Fair is publishing the ret of your serial?
Dan: Because they are.
Nate: Dan. we had a deal.
Dan: A handshake is hardly a deal.
Nate: Oh my god, I think I’m going to hit you.
Dan: I told you last week it was a bad idea to mix business and friendship. You wanted me to go to Rufus before publishing the piece. And today when he, when he threatened a lawsuit you freaked out.
Nate: I was trying to protect my newspaper.
Dan: What do you want me to say? Vanity Fair is the big time, and the more readers I have, the more power I have. It is that simple.
Nate: I thought we were in this together.
Dan: We were. And then something better came along.
Nate: Okay, now I know I want to hit you.

Nelly Yuki: I guess you took my advice and started playing by your own rules. How does it feel.
Dan: Ah, weird. Kinda dirty but good. Like you said, the truth is a very powerful thing.

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Where the Vile Things Are

Serena: We’ve both burnt a lot of bridges this year. But at least we have each other.
Dan: And I couldn’t be more grateful for letting me camp out, but I don’t want to overstay my welcome. I finally got my first paycheck from Vanity Fair, so I think it’s time to find my own place and let you get back to your life.
Serena: Yeah, I mean we can’t hide out here forever.

Serena: You bought a Vespa?
Dan: That’s right, I forgot how much you like Vespas.

Dan: When we came here on our first date you didn’t know how to hold a cue. Did you spend the last five years taking billiard lessons?
Serena: I could always play.
Dan: You hustled me.
Serena: No, I just wanted to make you feel better after your epic French ordering failure.
Dan: Or maybe you were looking for an excuse for me to put my arms around you.
Serena: A girl never reveals her secrets.
Dan: Unless you’re Gossip Girl.
Gossip Girl: Spotted: Two old flames slumming it on memory lane. Who doesn’t love a sequel?
Serena: Did she give our exact location?
Dan: Yeah, which means our mob of new friends are probably already camped out outside.

Blair: Hold it right there, Humphreak! Do you have any idea what a mess your article has made?
Dan: No, but I’m guessing you’re going to tell me even if I keep walking.
Blair: my mother demoted me thanks to your disparaging drivel.
Dan: Right, and I’m sure it had nothing to do with your work-related behavior.
Blair: Fix this! Or… when I’m done with you, you won’t even have Georgina Sparks’ couch in Brooklyn. I will fly Vanessa back from whatever third-world country she’s in if I have to.
Dan: Do you hear yourself? You’re trying to bully me into retracting an article about you being a bully.
Blair: No! I’m proving to my mother that I am the mature, polite, professional woman who should be running Waldorf Designs!
Dan: Blair, you tracked me down with your Spotted map, and threatened me with the return of Vanessa. You are not mature, polite or professional. And even your own mother knows it.

Serena: I know it sounded bad, but you heard it out of context.
Dan: In what context can “selfish egomaniac” be positive?

Dan: Look, obviously too much has happened over the past five years. No matter who we are today, we can’t undo things we’ve done in past. So it’s probably just best we move on. Without each other. Which I will do, the second we get out of this elevator. {the power goes out}

Serena: You know I had a really great time with you today. I had to believe that you were terrible in order to protect myself.
Dan: Well you know I could actually be terrible if you prefer.
Serena: No. No thank you. I’m good. I much prefer you this way.
Dan: The feeling’s mutual.

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Save the Last Chance

Serena: If we want to be a couple in the real world we need to go out and make amends.
Dan: Okay. Where do we start?
Serena: I’ll start with Blair and you start with Nate. And then afterward brunch and a movie on me.

Nate: What do you want?
Dan: I came to apologize. I’ve been doing some soul-searching.
Chuck: That implies you have a soul.
Dan: That’s funny coming from you.
Nate: That’s hilarious. I mean who would have thought Chuck Bass turns out to be the good guy and Humphrey the villain.
Dan: Well I really want to turn that around. I’m sorry about what I wrote. About all of you. I really want to make amends.
Chuck: Well if you really mean that, you just gave me an idea.

Dan: I’m here to make amends with you and Ivy.
Rufus: I’m happy you want to make amends, son, but I owe you an apology as well. Looks like you were right about Ivy. I was a fool for trusting her.

Dan: So now that we’ve knocked down our last obstacles, are we finally ready to do this?
Serena: Well do you remember that we said if we ever jumped into a relationship again that that would be it? That we would only get one more chance. Are you sure that I’m the one person you want to be with?
Dan: Are you talking about Blair? Serena, yes I’m sure you are the one. Whether or not I’ve admitted it to myself, you have always been the one. How about you?
Serena: Yeah, I’m sure.

Dan: I only have a minute.
Georgina: Humphrey, going rogue is not part of our agreement. Where the hell have you been?
Dan: I’m writing the Serena chapter.
Georgina: What?

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It’s Really Complicated

Dan: It’s our first Thanksgiving back together and given our track record with Thanksgivings it might be kinda risky. Divorces have been filed. Affairs revealed.
Serena: Yes, but that was our parents, not us. Come on. They’re not even gonna be here.
Dan: Okay. I mean if it’s what you really want, I’m in.

Dan: Georgina. How’s Philip?
Georgina: Quit the small talk, Humphrey. Give me the pages.
Dan: Oh that’s gonna be tough, since I already messengered the only hard copy to Graydon’s assistant at home.
Georgina: What? No one wants to read your vomit draft. Why didn’t you let me give you my notes first?
Dan: Because you’re not my editor.
Georgina: I am your everything. Don’t you think I know exactly what’s going on here? You started this chapter over the summer skewering Serena, and then you moved in with her and decided to write a sniveling Valentine in hopes she would fall madly in love with you.
Dan: From the beginning, my goal was to tell the truth. And I haven’t strayed from that. So I’m sorry if you’re upset but you’ll just have to wait for the chapter to go online. Tonight.

Rufus: I guess I’m just surprised you haven’t learned by now.
Dan: Learned? Learned what?
Rufus: That we Humphrey men don’t stand a real chance when it comes to van der Woodsen women.
Dan: Is this the speech where you tell me we’re from different worlds? Because you know I wrote the book. Two actually.
Rufus: Women like Lily and Serena are never gonna respect guys like us. All the love songs I wrote Lily made no difference. Poetry isn’t what she wants. No matter how much we love Lily and Serena they’re always gonna choose guys like Bart Bass.
Dan: So maybe the trick is to become Bart Bass.
Rufus: Yeah but neither of us could ever do that. And that’s a good thing. Bart’s cold and calculating. A reptile.
Dan: Yeah well that snake is spending Thanksgiving with Lily, and you’re not.

Dan: Aren’t you supposed to be on a tropical beach where no one pays capital gains tax?
Bart: Tropical storm. Our flight was delayed.
Lily: So it looks like we’ll be staying for dinner after all.
If we’re not imposing.
Dan: Ah… nope. Not at all. I mean we have plenty of food, we’ll just… we’re gonna need to change up the seating arrangements.

Serena: Look, I’m fine that your ex is here.
Dan: Because you invited her.
Serena: But we’re together now. I think your stuffing’s burning.

Georgina: Don’t be an idiot. Do you want to win? Or do you just want to win Serena?
Dan: There is no winning without Serena.

Serena: I invited you into my home, Dan, and my world. And then you just humiliate me.
Dan: That is the issue. “My world.”
Serena: Oh come on! It’s a figure of speech.
Dan: No, it has always been your world and you’ve never let me forget it. I’ve always been a visitor. The poor kid from Brooklyn who you’ve never seen as an equal to you.
Serena: Okay, so this is your payback. Do you feel better about riding the subway to school since you made a fool of me to everyone?
Dan: What I did is no worse than what all your friends do to each other every day. You try to ruin each other and then you sit down for Thanksgiving. And you call yourselves family.
Serena: You were supposed to be different.
Dan: I used to be. Got me nowhere. So now I’m the same.
Serena: Goodbye Dan.

Georgina: Do not leave me alone with them. The last time I attended a shunning I froze my zhopa off in Siberia.
Dan: It can get just as cold around here. Do you think they hate me?
Georgina: They fear you. Welcome to the Upper East Side.

Rufus: They kicked you out, didn’t they? I saw your piece on Serena. You let me off easy by comparison.
Dan: All I did was tell the truth.
Rufus: Your truth. Everybody has a version. A way of delivering it. It wouldn’t have been my choice.
Dan: Well maybe that’s why Lily doesn’t respect you.
Rufus: So this is how you become Bart Bass?
Dan: I did what I had to do. And tonight for the first time they weren’t looking down on me. They might’ve hated me, but I was one of them.
Rufus: Congratulations. I guess. So now that you’ve achieved that you can come back to Brooklyn.
Dan: What I want isn’t in Brooklyn, Dad. I have a plan. I have this whole time. And it’s working.

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