Being Human Tom McNair

Series 4


Michael Socha

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Eve of the War

Tom McNair (Michael Socha): Two weeks ago, a werewolf was killed. Nina. She was a friend of mine. The vampire that ordered it was called Griffin. You’re going to tell me how to find him, aren’t you?

Tom: Is she a werewolf?
George: She can see Annie. So probably.
Tom: Oh god, George. She’s beautiful. Have you given her a name yet?
George: I’ve been kind of busy.
Tom: Even McNair gave me a name and he ate my parents.

George: You hardly knew Nina.
Tom: I knew her enough.

Annie: Tom, I still have some relatives in Brighton. Maybe you would like to give them a call and try an get them killed too?
Tom: What?
Annie: The chimney. I heard every single word. It’s a brilliant baby monitor. Or at least it would be, if I was allowed to go and comfort her when she cries! If I’m not!

Annie: Oh for gods sake, Tom! I cant lose anyone else. I’ve said goodbye to so many people, I can’t even process it. My whole life was Mitchell and George and Nina. But now Mitchell’s dead. And… Nina’s dead. And George is… gone. And there’s nothing nice in this house anymore except that baby.
Tom: And it is such a big house as well. With all those rooms just going empty at night.
Annie: I don’t know what we are now. I don’t know what I am.
George: Let’s do it.

George: They used baseball bats.
Tom: What?
George: She’d only gone to the shops. She hadn’t left the house since she’d had our daughter a week or so earlier. I told her, Get some fresh air. And they were waiting for her.

George: It’s a trap.
Tom: Where are they now?
George: Oh god.

Tom: George, you’re about to change. You won’t make it home in time. You’ll change in the street.
George: But the baby!
Tom: I know, I know, I know. But Annie will look after her. You know she will.
George: It’s a trap!

Tom: I thought we could do this together. Like me and McNair, back in the day.
George: Tom, I am not your fucking father!
Tom: You ain’t nobody’s father.

George: Stay with her. The vampires will be back to get her. You have to stay with them always. Do you understand?
Tom: Yeah.

Tom: She needs a name, George.
George: Eve. She’s called Eve.

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Being Human 1955

Annie: Where have you been?
Tom: Out. Stop doing that.
Annie: Out where?
Tom: Just out.
Annie: Alright, let’s get this over with.
Tom: Annie!
Annie: Please assume the position.

Tom: I ain’t done no’.
Annie: You haven’t done anything.
Tom: Exactly.
Annie: No, Tom. I’m not agreeing with you. Your grammar is appalling.

Annie: I agreed to let you live under my roof under one condition. That you abide by all my commandments.
Tom: Are you talking about the house rules, Annie?
Annie: Yes I am, Tom. And why don’t we just run through them again so that we’re clear.
Tom: “No smoking, no dialing 0-800 numbers. All dishes must be washed dried and put away, not left to drip. No bringing girls home. Never put a cup down without a coaster, and if I’m going to be late, two rings.”
Annie: And we’re missing one, aren’t we?
Tom: “No killing vampires.”

Tom: Why don’t the three of us go away somewhere? The Old Ones are gone. I don’t understand why we’re still here.
Annie: Well, no, it wouldn’t make any difference. We could go to Timbuk-bloody-tu and the mayor would be a vampire. No, we’ve tried running and it doesn’t work.

Tom: I know what you are. But who are you and who sent you here?

Tom: If this was just us, if this was all something to help you cope with everything that’s happened, then fine. But you’re dragging other people into it. That ain’t right. Eve can’t save that man.
Annie: After everything you’ve been through, why’s this so difficult to believe?
Tom: What’s all this really about, Annie?
Annie: I am not going to argue about this with you, Tom.
Tom: I’m on your side.
Annie: Then please. Just support me on this.

Pearl: You said she would help him, so why doesn’t she? Never mind switching the bloody lights on and off. Why doesn’t she cure him?
Tom: Because she’s just a baby! An innocent baby. Why are you trying to make her out to be something she in’t? She’s George and Nina’s baby. Why in’t that enough?

Tom: I’m going to the shop, do you want to come?
Hal: I’d love to but I’ve made plans to sit in and self-harm, so…
Tom: You’re a dick head.
Hal: If you say so.

Hal: Why didn’t he simply ask me? You barely know him.
Tom: Well it involves going to the shop, Hal, and you’re not exactly a people person, are you?

Hal: Why are you so bothered?
Tom: What?
Hal: I mean I know why I’m here. But why are you going to all this trouble for a man you barely know.
Tom: Well I happen to quite like him. He’s sound. Even if he does have seriously bad judgment when it comes to picking his mates.

Tom: What are you doing?
Hal: I don’t know.
Tom: Put her down.
Hal: I wasn’t going to hurt her.
Tom: Put. Her. Down.

Tom: If I ever see you again, I’ll kill ya. Now get out.

Tom: I was protecting Eve.
Annie: Where is he now?
Tom: I don’t know and I don’t care.
Annie: He’s very dangerous, Tom.
Tom: I think we’ve established that much, Annie.

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The Graveyard Shift

Tom: You need to get a job.
Hal: I’m sorry?
Annie: Um, we need money for Eve, Hal. We can’t go on like this.
Tom: Swanning around on your backside all day.
Hal: You think I’m relaxing. This is me holding on by my fingernails.

Hal: Kill me. Seriously, kill me now. You can tell Annie I attacked you or something.
Tom: Maybe later if you work really hard.

Tom: Those ladies on the cover, showing everything to everyone. No one will want to court them.
Hal: Sorry, “court” them?
Tom: You know what I mean.
Hal: Only because I was around during the coronation.

Micaela: Are you coming on to me?
Tom: I don’t know. Is that like chatting up?
Micaela: Ugh. No offense, but like… I’m into guys that are just a little bit more edgy. You know? A little more darkness about them.

Tom throwing out the stake: I don’t think we need this anymore. I’ve got your back, mate.

Tom: Have you planned this? Were you just going to hand me over?
Hal: Not exactly hand you over. More just step aside. But I changed my mind.
Tom: How do I know that?
Hal: I don’t know. Maybe because we are whispering in the dark behind a counter.

Fergus: The offer’s still on the table. There’s a throne with your name on it if you want.
Tom: What’s he talking about, Hal?
Fergus: Oh he didn’t mention it, did he? Our Lord Harry. He’s an Old One. At least he was. Pretty high up.

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A Spectre Calls

Tom: Annie’s made a rota.
Hal: I already have a rota.
Tom: Seven am I feed the baby. Eight am you walk the baby. There’s a task for every hour and it’s color-coded.
Hal: With little pictures of nappies and bottles.
And glitter. She’s planned every moment of every minute of every day of our lives.
Tom: We must destroy this.

Kirby: Nina told me to help. Said you were doing great, Annie, but thought you could do with an extra pair of hands.
Hal: He doesn’t have a burn.
Annie: But why would she send you?
Kirby: I was a nursery teacher before I crocked it.
Annie: But why didn’t she come herself?
Kirby: Well she can’t. Werewolves can’t be ghosts. That would really mess things up.
Tom: That don’t make no sense.
Kirby: Neither did the lyrics of Bohemian Rhapsody, but I didn’t make them up either. {Tom looks unimpressed}.

Kirby: She’s got you well-trained.
Tom: Eh?
Kirby: The way she talks to you. That’s women, eh? You’re great not to let it get to you.
Tom: I suppose.

Tom: Is it true then, about werewolves never coming back?
Kirby: Why? Were you hoping?
Tom: No. No, I’m doing fine without him. I’m doing great.

Kirby: Did you never get a card or a present or anything?
Tom: I’d get a cupcake and a four-inch skinning knife. Or a stake and a sparkler. Or a crucifix and a banana muffin.
Kirby: When’s your birthday?
Tom: Tomorrow.
Kirby: Tomorrow?
Tom: Yeah, like I said it don’t matter.
Kirby: How old are you going to be?
Tom: Twenty-one.

Hal: Where’s the mother?
Kirby: At work.
Tom: Yeah, she’s a barrister. Dead classy. We’re a real power couple. We have dinner parties and we’re probably going to get a labrador.

Hal: When you said “rather odd”, what were you implying?
Dr. North: That he’s a half-wit.
Tom: That’s not very nice.

Tom: How did you do that?
Cutler: I’m just very very good at my job.
Tom: You’re a vampire?
Cutler: Look, it must be hard for you, having grown up hating us. I get that. But there are good vampires out there.

Tom: I’m sorry about going mental before.

Tom: Did you know it was my birthday today?
Hal: Why didn’t you say?
Tom: I thought you knew. {realizing} Kirby.

Hal: Why are you here Kirby?
Kirby: I don’t really want to answer that question ’cause it’ll get all Scooby Doo. Do you mind if I tell you after I’ve finished?
Tom: You want to kill the baby? Why?
Kirby: ‘Cause I was told to. That were th’ whole bloody mission.

Hal’s fixing Tom’s photo wall
Tom: That one’s not straight. If you’re gonna do it, do it properly.
Hal: Now he finds a sense of humor.

Hal: Happy Birthday, Tom.
Tom: Wicked. {he grabs the cake}
Annie: No, no, Tom. Blow them out.
Tom: Huh?
Annie: Blow them out, darling.

View all quotes from A Spectre Calls

Hold the Front Page

Pete Travis: Come on, guys. This is ridiculous. Talk to me.
Tom: No one’s in!

Yvonne: Please don’t blame me.
Tom: I won’t blame you for anything.
Yvonne: I’m going to kill you tonight, dear Tom. I have to. It’s what I am.
Tom: That’s what I love about you.
Yvonne: You’re sweet.
Tom: And you’re gorgeous.

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Puppy Love

Hal: I was hoping you might be able to help me. Leo’s role in my rehabilitation was essential, and with him gone I have no one to set the tasks I need to keep me safe. So I was wondering if… perhaps… you could pick up where he left off.
Tom: You want me to, what, be like your new Leo?
Hal: Well no one could ever replace Leo. But perhaps you could perform a similar role.
Tom: I think I’d be honored, mate.
Hal: I think he would be too.
Tom: The toilets could do with a clean.
Hal: But don’t take the piss.

Tom about Allison: You think she’s a vampire?
Hal: Smells more like a werewolf.

Tom: That is the weirdest run.

Tom: It was a trap by the vampires. We didn’t know they were filming.
Allison: It’s had over a million hits.
Tom: “FX Fail”.
Allison: As in, special effects. Thankfully most people think it’s a fake.
Hal: “Hairy balls, LOL”?
Allison: Well this was just the start. You know we trended last full moon. {they look confused} On Twitter. There’s a Facebook group trying to hunt us down.
Tom: Facebook?
Allison: Don’t tell me you’re still on MySpace.
Hal: We’re more Ceefax people.

Allison: This is important! If people find out about the existence of vampires, werewolves and ghosts, there’ll be riots. There’ll be lynchings. It’ll be like the tuition fees march all over again.
Tom: If this has got anything to do with vampires, I know exactly where to look.

Allison: Tom, that’s murder.
Tom: Like my dad used to say, you can’t already kill what’s dead.
Allison: We are not staking anyone. If you have to resort to violence you’ve already lost the argument.
Tom: You don’t know what these people are like.
Allison: And you don’t know what my debating skills are like.

Cutler: And you’re planning on sticking around for awhile?
Allison: Well I can’t exactly go home, can I?
Tom: Why not?
Allison: Who wants a werewolf for a daughter?

Allison: How many vampires have you slain?
Tom: Oh, um. Three or four… dozen.
Allison to Cutler: And you’re condoning this?
Cutler: Well you can’t exactly go to Ofcom.

Tom: It’s probably best not to mention the whole killing thing to Annie.
Allison: Say no more. First rule of Chess Club.

Allison: If we lived on other planets, do you think the moon would still affect us?
Tom: If we lived on the moon, do you think we could be werewolves all the time?

Hal: So you’re officially courting now.
Tom: Well I don’t know. It’s fun training her and that. But we haven’t even held hands yet.
Hal: Then it is time to declare your intentions. First write her a poem and then speak to her father.
Tom: Annie said I should just get drunk and then try and snog her.

Annie: Look it’s fine. I’m all over this. We just need to figure out his unfinished business and then move him on.
Tom: And you think that’s haunting our bathroom?
Annie: No, Tom. Of course it’s not haunting our bathroom. Unfinished business is something good and something righteous.
Emyrs: Who says?
Hal: I knew a ghost whose unfinished business was to castrate her brother-in-law. Something to do with inappropriate Salsa dancing. So it could be anything really.
Emyrs: See.
Annie: I refuse to believe that.
Tom: Why?
Annie: Well because I’m still here, aren’t I. And when my time comes it will be to do something good.

Tom: Hal, I found these matches and some of them are the wrong way ’round.
Hal: We’ll soon see about that! {he grabs them}
Tom: It calms him down. I knew he’d get like this.

Tom: It’s not supposed to be like this.
Allison: Like what?
Tom: In the middle of all the violence.
Allison: But there’s a war on! You said. This is what it’s like. Snatch moments in air raid shelters.
Tom: You’re not a soldier.
Allison: I am!

Allison: How’d it go with Alex?
Hal: I don’t think we’ll be seeing her again. She tried to kiss me and…
Tom: You killed her?
Hal: No! No, I think the routines have really helped suppress those urges.
Allison: So you chickened out?
Hal: That’s absolutely ridicu— How dare you!
Tom: Oh my god. You ain’t scared of killing, you’re just scared.
Hal: I have seduced several thousand women in my time.
Tom: Yeah, when you were all blooded up. Now that you’re sober you’re just a scaredy cat.

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Making History

Annie: Tom. The Old Ones might be here any day now. To stop them we might have to… do terrible things.
Tom: What choice do we have?
Annie: It’s not fair though.
Tom: No.

Cutler: Have you got a baby in there?
Tom: Yeah. George and Nina’s.
Cutler: The War Child?
Tom: Don’t tell me you believe all that.
Cutler: I thought Regus killed her.
Tom: No. He slipped her to Annie during the kerfuffle.

Tom: Those aren’t vampires.

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The War Child

Tom: I ain’t never felt frightening before. Thank you. I could have killed all those people. I could have killed you.
Hal: Alex got the people out. I just lured you into the van.
Tom: I can’t believe I let it happen. I’m always dead stealthy with my transformations.
Hal: I’ve taken a step backwards too. I’ve been drinking blood. The first time was genuinely to gain Cutler’s trust. The second one wasn’t.
Tom: Where are you now?
Hal: Leo once said we are on the outside of humanity so that we might guard it. He made it sound like a privilege rather than a burden.
Tom: I don’t think any of us deserve that job anymore.
Hal: Then we must earn it back.

Tom: Annie, the Old Ones have arrived. We saw ’em at the warehouse.
Annie: Yeah, Eve said they’d be here soon.
Hal: Eve’s been here the whole time.
Annie: Grown-up Eve. She died an adult, travelled back through Purgatory to find me because there was something I needed to know. She took me in to her corridor. {Alex snickers}
Alex: “Took me into her corridor.” Sorry. Misjudged the mood.

Annie: I had to see how terrible the future is. Because what I have to do to stop it is really really hard. Eve must die. It’s the last part of the myth. Eve saves humanity by dying.
Hal: Does the Nemesis—whoever it is with the burn—is that who kills her?
Annie: She is the Nemesis. She has the burn. I’m just the weapon.
Tom: Right. First off we need to get her out of here.
Annie: This is not a group decision.

Alex: Do vampires die if you blow them up?
Hal: Most things die if you blow them up. Sadly, we can’t. What with us not living in a cartoon!
Tom: Well actually, Mr. Bloody Radio Four, we can. And I’ll show you how. My team, with me.

Hal: That’s all that junk you’ve been gathering.
Tom: Well you didn’t really think I was building a swimming pool in the back garden, didja?
Hal: How long have you been planning this?
Tom: Not really been planning anything. Just picked up off of McNair. “Always be kind and polite and have the materials to build a bomb”.

Hal: You really are one of the most remarkable people I’ve ever met.
Tom: Alright, calm down.

Hal: Let me come too.
Tom: Well then you’ll cop it along.
Hal: I’ve had a good innings.
Tom: What if Mr. Snow tells you not to?
Hal: Then you must being matters to a swift conclusion.
Tom: I didn’t think you liked to shake hands.
Hal: Well then today is a day of firsts. And lasts.

Milo: It’s simple survival, Tom. You find the biggest kid on the playground and you stand next to him.
Tom: I didn’t know cowards have their own school.

Hal: Why are you doing this?
Tom: ‘Cause you’re me best mate.

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