Something Borrowed

Gwen: So, is it anything to eat tonight or is it just booze all the way?
Friend: Booze, blokes, bumpin’ and booze.

Owen: Gwen, you’re pregnant. Almost full term.
Gwen: Pregnant. That’s not possible.

Jack: Boy, would Darwin have a field day if he’d made it to space.

Owen: Listen, Gwen, you are going to be fine. I promise. If there was any biological incompatibility you would be dead.

Owen: Couple of days off your feet and you’ll be right as rain.
Gwen: Woah. In a couple of days? In five hours I’m walking down the aisle, Owen.
Jack: No you’re not.
Owen: Gwen I hate to say this but you’re going to have to postpone the wedding.
Gwen: No! No way. Have you any idea how much a wedding costs?
Jack: Listen, Gwen. You are not carrying baby Jesus in there.

Tosh: How is she?
Owen: She’s going ahead with the wedding.
Jack: Which is fine. As long as she doesn’t go into labor at the altar. Rhys might forgive her for going down the aisle pregnant but not giving birth to a razor-toothed monster that eats half his family.

Salesperson: Can I help you?
Ianto: Yeah, I’m looking for a wedding dress for a friend.
Salesperson: Of course you are, Sir. You’d be surprised. We’re quite used to men buying wedding dresses for their “friends.”

Brenda: What a lovely outfit. Such a brave choice for you.
Mrs. Cooper: And you were so made for green.

Banana: Alright, love? You’ve got a big box. Do you want a hand with that?
Tosh: No thank you, I’m fine.
Banana: You going to the wedding?
Tosh: I’m a friend of Gwen’s.
Banana: I’m Banana. S’pose you can tell why.
Tosh: You come up in spots and go soft quickly?
Banana: Actually I’m the best man.
Tosh: Evolution is full of surprises.

Banana: So you fancy a little drink later?
Tosh: Sorry. I’m intolerant to vasoactive amines.
Banana: Huh?
Tosh: Bananas make me vomit.

Jack: What is it with you? Ever since Owen died all you ever do is agree with him.
Ianto: I was brought up never to speak ill of the dead. Even if they still do most of the talking themselves.

Barry Williams: Listen Rhys. Your mother says this wedding is becoming a nightmare. As if Gwen showing up pregnant wasn’t bad enough. You are sure it’s yours, aren’t you?
Rhys: Dad, I’m marrying her. I love Gwen. Every atom of me loves Gwen. Has done since the first time I laid eyes on her. Okay?
Barry: You loved Cerys Morgan once.
Rhys: I was twelve years old!

Gwen: Look. One bit me last night. Don’t ask me to explain. I can’t. I’m pregnant, Rhys isn’t the father, it’s an alien. pointing to her belly. It’s an alien.

Brenda: Gwen seems to be taking her time.
Mrs. Cooper: You remember how it is, Brenda. The bride likes to make an entrance.
Brenda: Maybe. But I wasn’t late for my wedding.
Mrs. Cooper: No. Barry might have got away.

Jack: What I don’t understand is if people are going to make such a big deal about getting married why come all the way out into the middle of nowhere where no one can find you to do it. That to me suggests inner conflict.
Ianto: It’s because the happy couple want everything to be perfect.
Owen: An alien egg in your belly and its mother coming to rip you open. Yeah, perfect.

Banana: I’m Banana.
Tosh: More like a gooseberry.

Gwen: We’re not stopping the wedding.
Jack: Gwen there isn’t a choice here.
Gwen: Ever since I met you, Jack, all Rhys has had to put up with
me is crap. The lies, the dangers, the complications… but he stood by me. Who else would do that? Who else would marry me knowing that I am carrying some kind of monster inside of me? I love him. And I am going to marry him today.

Brenda: The problem seems to be an American with no sense of timing or fashion.

Ianto: Jack, I’m afraid the situation is uncontained.

Jack: Damn that thing’s fast.
But it won’t have gone far.
Jack: Not without what it came for.

Jack: Get back, you ugly bitch!
Rhys: What the hell are you doing, that’s my mother!

Jack: No! It’s the alien.
Brenda: I’m not an alien!
Jack: Oh, you’re good, I’ll give you that.
Brenda: But I’m not!
Jack: Yeah, and the Lone Ranger didn’t have a thing with Tonto.
Gwen: Jack, does the shape shifter copy smells too?
Owen: No. Just physical.
Gwen: Right well, I recognize the bloody awful perfume anywhere. It’s Brenda, Jack. It’s Brenda.
Rhys hits Jack: That’s for calling my mother an ugly bitch!

Owen about Gwen: That’s the kind of daughter every mother must dream of. Cool as ice, packing an automatic.

Gwen: Not quite the blushing bride, am I? But I’d given up on things going to plan a long time ago.
Jack (sort of): If life always turned out the way we expected, what would be the point of living?
Gwen: I didn’t expect to meet someone like you. If I hadn’t, I’d be married by now.
Jack (sort of): You’re not the only one who met somebody that knocked their world out of kilter.
Gwen: Rhys has always been there for me. Through all this madness, even when I haven’t even deserved it. He’s not afraid to tell me he loves me.

Rhys: Hey, are you all right?
Gwen: I’m running around in a wedding dress with what feels like a keg of lager stuck up my skirt. What do you think, Rhys?

Shape Shifter: Let me have my young and I won’t hurt you.
Rhys: You’re too late, it’s gone! I’ve had a gutful of you. You get my girlfriend pregnant, you impersonate my mum, and you ruin my wedding day! the chainsaw dies. Fuck.
Shape Shifter: Rhys, you’re a bad boy. And you know what bad boys get! she explodes.
Jack: How’s that for a shape shift?

Jack: That whole Evil Dead thing looks pretty good on you, Rhys.

Owen: You ready to see that dead man dance, Tosh? Come on.

Jack: Enjoy the honeymoon.
Gwen: I will. What will you do while I’m gone?
Jack: Oo, the usual. Pizza. Ianto. Save the world a couple of times.
Gwen: Will you miss me?
Jack: Always. Rhys is a lucky man. A perfect husband. He’s loyal, brave… hm, he’s got a hell of a swing on him! And best of all, he really loves you.
Gwen: I know.

Gwen: Okay Jack. What’s going on?
Jack: Strange thing when you mix Level Six Retcon with champagne. Really makes the party go with a schwing. Then you fall asleep.
Gwen: You retconned our families? It’s probably for the best. I don’t want my mum remembering what happened to her today.
Jack: Maybe the happy couple shouldn’t either?
Gwen: No, thank you. There’ll be no secrets in this marriage.

Jack: It’s been a busy day, but we are not finished yet. We’ve got a lot to do. We’ve got a major mop-up operation, and I want your best work. Remember: it’s Gwen’s wedding.
Ianto: That’s what I love about Torchwood. By day you’re chasing the scum of the Universe, come midnight, you’re the Wedding Fairy.