Series 1

Everything Changes

Jack: And before we go any further, who the hell goes around ordering pizza under the name of Torchwood?
Owen: Uh, yeah. That would be me. Sorry, I’m a twat.

Jack: Owen Harper, Gwen Cooper.
Owen: Dr. Owen Harper, thank you.

Day One

Jack: Alright, usual formation.
Gwen: What’s the usual formation?
Owen: Varies.
Gwen: How can the usual formation vary?

Jack: What do we know?
Owen: Bog standard space debris. to Gwen. That’s a technical term.
Gwen: Yeah, thanks.

Owen: Make yourself useful, sweetheart. Pass us that big chisel from the toolbox.
Gwen: Not sweetheart. Gwen. One syllable, I’m sure you can manage it.
Owen: Not sweet cheeks? Freckles. New Girl.
Gwen: It’s a shame your tool’s not big enough for the job. Darlin’.

Owen about Jack: So what’s he told you?
Gwen: What about?
Tosh: Himself.
Gwen: You’ve been here longer than I have.
Tosh: We were banking on you.
Owen: You’re a copper, you’re trained to ask questions.
Gwen: You don’t know anything?
Owen: Not who he is, not where he’s from. Nothing, except him being gay.
Gwen: No, he’s not. Really, do you think?
Tosh: No. Owen does. I don’t.
Ianto: And I don’t care.
Owen: Period military is not the dress code of a straight man.

Tosh: Jack, Carys is out of her cell.
Owen: Cheeky bitch took my swipe card.
Jack: I’ll deal with it. And tell Owen he needs to work on those abs a bit harder.

Owen: The strain on her body’s too much. Any second now she’s rat jam.

Ghost Machine

Owen: Intense emotions can be part of a neurological event. Hallucinations. Dementia.
Gwen: I wasn’t hallucinating, Owen. And I’m not bloody senile.

Jack: Run a full check. Births, marriages, deaths. Criminal record, passports. However long it takes, wherever he is, we’ll find him.
Owen: Found him…. He’s in the phonebook.

Cyberwoman

Tosh: All I’m saying is, once in awhile I’d like to drive.
Owen: Yeah, all I’m saying is no.
Tosh: Why not?
Owen: Look, I’ve shared cars with women before and I know what’ll happen. There’ll be an emergency. All rarin’ to go, I jump in, what do I find? Seat’s in the wrong position, the rearview mirror’s out of line and the steering wheel’s in my crotch. In the time it takes to sort it all out aliens will have taken Newport.

Gwen: What’s down here?
Owen: Normally? Nothing.

Gwen: What the hell is it?
Owen: It’s wrong. It’s beyond wrong. It shouldn’t be here.

Owen: These things brought down Torchwood One. They were all destroyed. Why is there one in our bloody basement?!
Gwen: Just tell me what it does.
Owen: It’s the remnants of a conversion unit. This machines turns humans into Cybermen.

Gwen: What the hell was that?
Owen: What?
Gwen: Snogging me.
Owen: Last kiss for the condemned man. Bit embarrassing, given we haven’t been killed. What? It’s not like I fancy you or anything.
Gwen: I was on top of you. I could feel your hard-on.
Owen: Well you didn’t exactly struggle or anything.

Small Worlds

Tosh: This is the youngest girl and the girl’s cousin.
Ianto: I blame it on magic mushrooms.
Jack: What you do in private is none of our business.
Gwen: These photographs were fake.
Owen: Conan Doyle believed in them.
Gwen: He was gaga at the time.
Owen: And Houdini.
Gwen: Self-publicist.

Tosh: So where’s this sighting then?
Jack: In a place called Roundstone Wood.
Owen: Oh, I know it. It has an odd history.
Jack: How do you mean “odd”?
Owen: It’s always stayed wild. In the ancient times it was considered bad luck to walk in there, even collect timber. Even the Romans stayed clear of it.

Countrycide

Owen: I hate the countryside. It’s dirty, it’s unhygienic. And what is that smell?
Gwen: That would be grass.
Owen: It’s disgusting.

Jack: We’ll start with the most recent victim, Ellie Johnson. We last have record of her making a phone call. She dropped out of signal mid-call. The coverage map has her placed somewhere about here. Looks as good a place as any to set up camp.
Owen: Sorry. Did you say, “camp”?

Owen to the dead body: Whatever they were… I hope you put up a good fight.

Owen about to give Gwen a local anesthetic: Alright, do you want a quip about feeling a small prick?
Gwen: No, but thanks for offering.

Owen: Just lie back and think of Torchwood.

Jack: We have to assume the others who disappeared have been killed too.
Owen: So you think there’s been seventeen deaths?
Jack: At least. These aren’t casual killers.
Owen: Okay. So this means the Rift is spreading and it’s dumping aliens and psychos wherever it lands.
Jack: Looks like that.
Owen: Great. This conversation’s cheered me up no end.

Tosh: They’re all involved. They’ve all been doing it.
Evan: This is our harvest.
Owen: Only in the bloody countryside. You sick fuckers.

Gwen: All these things…. All these things, they’re changing me. Changing how I see the world. And I can’t share them with anyone.
Owen coming up behind her: You can now.

Greeks Bearing Gifts

Jack: How’s our friend there?
Owen: She’s dead.
Jack: Yeah, thanks Quincy.

Gwen: Oh, you’ so light! You’re like a girl!
Owen: I’m not light. I’m wiry. Fat girls go mad for it. But I guess I don’t need to tell you that.

Owen’s thoughts on Tosh: What’s she talking about? She can be dead weird. Wonder what she’d be like in bed. Catholic but grateful, I bet.

Owen: So I start looking into, ah, devil worship and stuff from that era, see if there’s anything about plucking out hearts. And would you believe it, there’s nothing. They ate eyeballs, they drank blood, they had sex with animals. But they did not pluck out each other’s hearts. ‘Cause, obviously, that would have been weird.

Owen about the wound on the body: That remind you of anything?
Tosh: Um… that bit in Alien where that thing bursts out of John Hurt?
Owen: I’m sorry, I should have been more specific. Does that remind you of anything helpful?

They Keep Killing Suzie

Owen: If it’s someone we’ve pissed off, that narrows it down to, oh, four or five million?
Jack: And that’s just the humans.

Gwen: Wait a minute, I’ve taken retcon.
Jack: Then better stay away from sharp objects. Ianto, how many people have we given amnesia pills to?
Ianto: Two thousand and eight.
Owen: Ay, what if they all become psychotic?
Tosh: Do you have to sound so happy?
Owen: Yeah, I’m just saying. Mean Streets!

Gwen: Jack, if there is a link why don’t we just ask the victims ourselves?
Jack: Not the right time for a séance, thank you very much.
Gwen: The first time I met Torchwood, you had that glove.
Jack: Uh uh. No way.
Owen: Not after what it did to Suzie.
Gwen: It brings people back to life. Just for two minutes. We could question the murder victims.
Owen: That’s exactly what she said. She was one of us, we trusted her, and now she’s dead because of that thing.
Jack: The glove stays in the safe where it belongs.
Gwen: These murders are happening because of Torchwood, so Torchwood has got to do something.

Owen: You know, we never gave it a cool name.
Tosh: I thought we called it the Resurrection Gauntlet.
Owen: Cool name.
Ianto: What about “The Risen Mitten”? I think it’s catchy.

Ianto: Amazing. She’s a natural. 24 seconds.
Owen: Give Ianto a stop watch and he’s happy.
Ianto: It’s the button on the top.

Tosh: When Suzie left Torchwood she was on the run. She wiped all her records. I couldn’t retrieve her files. She was good at computers. Hell, she was good at everything.
Owen: She was good at murder too. Laugh a minute, that was Suzie.

Owen: Have you got your stopwatch?
Ianto: Always.

Owen looking for a catchy name: Ianto?
Ianto: The Life Knife.

Ianto: Um, excuse me. I’m still counting.
Owen: There’s not much point. Suzie’s dead.
Ianto: No. According to your equipment, she’s just unconscious.
Jack: What the hell’s going on?

Suzie: Owen. Hello. Scared to face me?
Owen: You frighten the shit out of me, yeah.
Suzie: What about Toshiko? Is she still here?
Owen: Yeah, she’s here. All the gang. Happy days.

Owen: Have a look at Gwen with Suzie.
Jack: Woah.
Tosh: What is that?
Owen: Energy. Life. But with Suzie it’s a permanent connection and she is getting stronger. It’s still going right now. She is draining the life out of Gwen.
Jack: There’s always a price.

Owen: She gave Max a whole complex of subconscious triggers.
Tosh: Like, she dies, Max becomes a time bomb. He doesn’t see her for three months and—wham—the orders kick in. He follows Suzie’s program and starts killing.
Jack: And the whole chain of events forces us to bring Suzie back.
Tosh: And then she escapes.
Owen: You’ve got to admit that is not bad. I’m picking her for my team.

Random Shoes

Eugene: Oh wow. This is so… I am totally… Christ Almighty! The Head of Vexor Eleven. No way! And… wow. A hand. In a jar.
Gwen: What was he doing out on that road?
Owen: Oh, fuck knows. Categorizing chevrons. He was a geek.

Out of Time

Diane: Can I take her up?
Owen: No. You could get arrested. You haven’t got a license.
Diane: But I— Bugger. It’s no longer valid.

Owen: Let me get this straight. You expect equality and chivalry?
Diane: I don’t see why they should be mutually exclusive.

Diane: Do you have a girlfriend?
Owen: No.
Diane: So. Who do all those beauty products belong to?
Owen: Me, actually.
Diane: No.
Owen: Real men can moisturize too, you know.

Owen: Listen to me, there is no way back. You can’t get home.
Diane: Then it’ll take me somewhere new.

Combat

Bartender: Little bit of advice: next time you feel like this, you should stay in.
Owen: Trust me, the bigger the crowd, the more alone I feel.

Owen: This is Owen’s voicemail. Don’t leave a message.
Jack: Nice try, Owen.

Gwen: Tosh mentioned you and Diane. Did you—
Owen: I didn’t want her to go. She went.
Gwen: Why are we still doing this, me and you?
Owen: Fine. Let’s not. I was getting bored of your fuck-tricks anyway.
Gwen: You can be such a wanker sometimes, Owen! Do you know that?
Owen: I do, as a matter of fact.

Mark Lynch: Ask yourself, what’s the point of your life?
Owen: Mark. Mate. I only came here for a beer.

Mark: So who are you, Owen?
Owen: Sorry?
Mark: Be pretty stupid not to assume you’re not connected to those two in the black SUV.
Owen: I don’t know what you mean.
Mark: Bloke in the big coat, cute little Asian girl. I was watching. Nice web site by the way. Kudos to whoever did that. Although jellied eels—I’m not sure that was your greatest idea.
Owen laughs: I wasn’t that bad.
Mark: Pretty much you were.

Captain Jack Harkness

Ianto: Open the Rift now and the whole world could suffer. We could all get sucked in. Who knows what will come out. This is about Diane, isn’t it? When will you accept that she chose to leave you?
Owen: Whereas your cyber-girlfriend stuck around. Of course, not that she had a choice, wired-up in the cellar.
Ianto: That was different.

Ianto: I thought she was still Lisa. I loved her. You only knew Diane for a week.
Owen: And it wasn’t enough.

Ianto: You can’t open the safe. You’ve got no right.
Owen: I’m second-in-command. I have got every fucking right.
Ianto: There’s stuff in there we don’t know about. That’s how Jack likes it.
Owen: I’m not going to play with his toys, Ianto!

Owen: There’s instructions in here. This isn’t a random act of madness.
Ianto: It’s a trap! Bilis wanted you to find it.
Owen: Why?
Ianto: To provoke the Rift. To incite total chaos and destruction. All the reports of the haunted dance hall were anonymous. What if it was him? Please listen to me!
Owen: I’m tired of being in awe of the Rift. I’m tired of living with Jack’s secrets. We don’t even know who he is.
Ianto: He’s our leader.
Owen: Not anymore.

Ianto: You have to let Diane go. Like I did with Lisa.
Owen: Don’t compare yourself to me. You’re just a tea boy.
Ianto: I’m much more than that. Jack needs me.
Owen: In your dreams, Ianto. In your sad wet dreams when you’re his part-time shag, maybe. That Rift took my lover and my Captain. So if I die trying to beat it, then it will all be in the line of duty.

Owen: World didn’t end after all, did it? Good job you’re a crap shot.
Ianto: I was aiming for your shoulder.

End of Days

Owen: The infected will need thirty milligrams of streptomycin and chloramphenicol plus two of tetracycline.
Doctor: That’s plague medicine. Standard issue for bubonic.
Owen: Well done, House. That’s what you’re up against.

Owen: We need to be prepared. We’re helpless. All we’re doing here is putting sticking plasters on gapping wounds.

Owen: No, come on. You’re all thinking it too. You’re the big man here. You keep all the secrets. Well now’s the time to tell us a few and tell us how the hell we’re gonna get out of this!
Jack: You want to know a secret? There is no solution. I can’t fix this. Because this was never meant to happen. The first thing you learned when you joined Torchwood was “Don’t mess with the Rift.” But you disobeyed those orders and now everything that’s happening is down to you.
Owen: I only disobeyed instructions to get you back.
Jack: And now people are dying.
Owen: What? So I shouldn’t have bothered? Who the fuck are you anyway? Jack Harkness? You don’t even exist. We’ve looked. So if you’re not even a real person, then why the hell should I follow your orders?
Jack: Get out.
Owen: What?
Jack: Get out! I’m relieving you of your duty.

Owen: What, so that’s it? The whole world is gone to shit and you’re gonna fire me?
Gwen: For gods sake, both of you, we need to stick together on this.
Jack: If I can’t rely on you—if I don’t have your complete trust—you don’t belong here. That goes for the rest of you. Anyone who agrees with Owen, leave now!

Owen: We’re relieving you of your command, Captain. We’re opening that Rift and getting back what we lost! Jack gets up. Stay down!
Jack: You gonna be in charge Owen? You’ve gotta have significantly bigger balls. Owen shoots him in the forehead.

Owen about Jack: He’s ice cold. No vital signs.
Gwen: He survived when you shot him. When I first joined he said he couldn’t die.
Owen: He was wrong.
Gwen: I want to sit with him.
Owen: Gwen, I—
Gwen: I want to sit with him.