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Jack: Hey kids. Did you miss me? laughs
Jack: Got pretty organized without me.
Gwen: Yeah, well we had to.
Jack: Hey, did you decorate in here?
Gwen: You left us Jack!
Jack: I know. I’m sorry.
Gwen: We knew nothing, Jack.
Owen: Where were you?
Jack: I found my doctor.
Owen: Did he fix you?
Jack: What’s to fix? You don’t mess with this level of perfection.
Hart: You put on weight.
Jack: You’re losing your hair.
Hart: What are you wearing?
Jack: Captain Jack Harkness. Note the stripes.
Hart: Captain John Hart. Note the sarcasm.
Jack: Hey, I worked my way up through the ranks.
Hart: I bet the ranks were very grateful.
Jack: I need a drink.
Hart: I thought you’d never ask.
Jack: So, uh, how was rehab?
Hart: Rehabs. Plural.
Jack: Drink, drugs sex and—
Jack: You went to murder rehab?
Hart: I know. Ridiculous. The odd kill, who does it hurt?
Jack: You clean now?
Hart: Yeah. Kicked everything. Living like a priest.
Jack: So how’s the Time Agency?
Hart: You didn’t hear. It’s uh, shut down.
Jack: You’re kidding me?
Hart: No. There’s only seven of us left now.
Hart: It’s good to see you. We were never the same without you.
Jack: You need to go. I don’t want you in my territory.
Hart: What? TIme was you couldn’t get enough of me on your territory.
Hart: You’ve got a team. How sweet. Oh. Pretty little friends. No blond though. You need a blond.
Owen: God, he’s worse than Jack.
Hart: Do you have a team name? I love team names. C’mon.
Hart: Oh. Not Excalibur? Uh, Blizzard? Bikini Cops? No? Torchwood. Oh dear.
Jack: Gwen Cooper. Ianto Jones. Toshiko Sato. Owen Harper. Meet—
Hart: Captain John Hart.
Jack: We go back.
Hart: Excuse me. We more than go back. We were partners.
Ianto: In what way?
Hart: In every way. And then some.
Jack: It was two weeks.
Hart: Except the two weeks was trapped in a time loop so we were together for five years. It was like having a wife.
Jack: You were the wife.
Hart: You were the wife.
Jack: No. You were the wife.
Hart: Oh, but I was a good wife.
Hart: You live in the sculpture. Could you be any more pretentious.
Jack: Get on.
Hart: So, your team not allowed in this way?
Jack: This is the entrance for tourists.
Hart: I remember the last time you said that.
Hart: What is this? Sewer Chic?
Jack: The work we do, the person I am now, that’s what I’m proud of.
Gwen: Then why did you desert us? Where did you go? No no, c’mon on. Where did you go. Tell me. Talk to me.
Jack: I have died so many times. Been dragged back into life. Like being hauled over broken glass. I saw the end of the world.
Jack: It doesn’t matter how. But after it was all over I knew I belong here. What kept me fighting was the thought of coming home to you.
Hart: You know, they’re pretty but stupid. You used to have better taste.
Jack: Doesn’t look like it from here.
Hart: Well I think you oughta know your boss is splayed out on the— Jack walks in pavement. Now that’s impressive. Seriously, you can earn a fortune in the Vegas galleries with an act like that. Go on, how’s it work?
Jack: I can’t die.
Hart: No but really?
Jack: No but really.
Jack: Now we gotta avoid ourselves. Great.
PC Andy: No other reason I could think of for keeping sports equipment in the bedroom.
Jack: Oh, you should come by my house for a game of hockey some time.
Owen: When was the last time you felt ill, you had a cold? Anything?
Beth: I don’t think I have. I take a lot of vitamin C.
Owen looking at the scalpel: Hm. Hell of a lot, I reckon.
Jack: Okay Beth. You make lightbulbs blow, we can’t break your skin. What planet are you from?
Jack: Okay. Linear time. Screwed up time. Imagine your life is a straight line. From birth to death. Now try drawing that line on the paper without straightening it out.
Gwen: It’s impossible.
Jack: That’s why we’ve gotta stop it.
Jack: This time tomorrow he’ll be back in 1918.
Ianto: His own time. would you go back to yours? If you could?
Jack: Why? Would you miss me?
Jack: I left home a long time ago. I don’t know where I really belong. Maybe that doesn’t matter anymore.
Jack: All you did tonight was mess things up. Now we have to think of a way to get back in and thanks to you they’ll have tightened security.
Rhys: Well if you’d stopped and asked me exactly what I saw in there instead of showing off about the place—
Jack: Do I show off?
Ianto: Just a bit.
Rhys: —You’d know that I got out by telling them I wanted a job as a delivery boy. So rather than cock things up I found you a way to get in. But if you can’t handle that, Big Boy, then you can stuff it.
Jack: This is quite homoerotic.
Gwen stepping in: No no no no… Jack, he is not getting us in.
Jack: Team meeting. to Rhys You too.
Owen: We’ve handled bigger than this. Why don’t we just storm in, guns in the air, and arrest ’em.
Jack: These guys aren’t organized criminals. If we go in, guns blazing, they’ll kill the evidence and run.
Owen: I wasn’t suggesting blazing. Just waving.
Rhys to Jack: You’re not gay by any chance, are you?
Jack: I let go of his hand. It was the worst day of my life. It’s the last day I want to remember.
Adam: Jack, you know me. You recruited me three years ago.
Jack: All I know is that when I think of my team I see you there but I don’t feel anything for you. No pride, no warmth.
Jack: Let me take you back to before we all met.
Jack: I found your diary. And for the record, measuring tapes never lie.
Jack: Suddenly in an underground mortuary, on a wet night in Cardiff, I hear the sound of a nightingale. Miss Martha Jones.
Jack: Dr. Jones is from UNIT.
Gwen: Oh, um, sorry. I get a bit, a bit confused. Which one’s UNIT?
Jack: Intelligence, military, cute red caps, um, the acceptable face of intelligence gathering on aliens. We’re more ad hoc. But better looking!
Jack: Raise your game, girls.
Jack: I had a boyfriend who’s nostrils flared when he was lying.
Jack to Owen: Grey is so not her color.
Jack: I’d rely on Martha if the world was ending. In fact I did.
Jack (about Martha): Did I mention she was brilliant?
Martha: Owen! Can you hear me, Owen?
Tosh: You’ve got to help him!
Jack: Owen, stay with me. Owen, look at me. Look at me. Owen, look right at me. Stay with me, Owen. Stay with me. Stay with me, buddy. Come on!
Martha: Owen, speak to me! He’s dead.
Girl: If I told you not to use it, would you listen?
Jack: Shouldn’t you know the answer to that?
Girl holds up the Death card: I do. That’s the problem.
Jack: Okay Team, say your goodbyes. Gwen? Gwen is at a loss.
Owen: Gwen, no offense but I’ve only got two minutes to live.
Tosh: Owen, I’m going to miss you. And I love you. Always have.
Jack: Owen, I need the code for the alien morgue. You’re the only one that knows it.
Owen: You brought me back for that? For that?!?!
Owen: I’m Owen Harper. I work for Torchwood. I’m Special Ops.
Jack: Special Ops? What’s he ‘on about? Special needs, more like it.
Jack: That is the single most disgusting thing I have ever seen! And I know disgusting.
Owen: God I’m gonna miss farting. And sex.
Jack: Sex more than farting, I hope.
Owen: You’ve read Proust?
Jack: Yeah. Well, no. We dated for awhile. He was really immature.
Owen: You know, none of us know whether to take you seriously when you say those things.
Jack: You’ve lived as long as I have, you don’t make anymore up.
Owen: Why did you bring me back? Guilt?
Jack: No. That’s not why.
Owen: Then when did you bring me back? Really?
Jack: Because I wasn’t ready to give up on you. I was hoping for a miracle. I still am.
Owen: What the hell am I supposed to do in the meantime?
Jack: We always need someone to make coffee.
Jack: Henry John Parker. He used to be a looker. Now he’s 80 odd and even I have my limits. Your basic millionaire collector of alien hoo ha.
Owen: Didn’t we file him in the “Mostly Harmless” category?
Jack: Boy would Darwin have a field day if he’d made it to space.
Owen: Couple of days off your feet and you’ll be right as rain.
Gwen: Woah. In a couple of days? In five hours I’m walking down the aisle, Owen.
Jack: No you’re not.
Owen: Gwen I hate to say this but you’re going to have to postpone the wedding.
Gwen: No! No way. Have you any idea how much a wedding costs?
Jack: Listen, Gwen. You are not carrying baby Jesus in there.
Tosh: How is she?
Owen: She’s going ahead with the wedding.
Jack: Which is fine. As long as she doesn’t go into labor at the altar. Rhys might forgive her for going down the aisle pregnant but not giving birth to a razor-toothed monster that eats half his family.
Jack: What I don’t understand is if people are going to make such a big deal about getting married why come all the way out into the middle of nowhere where no one can find you to do it. That to me suggests inner conflict.
Jack: Get back you ugly bitch!
Rhys: What the hell are you doing, that’s my mother!
Jack: No! It’s the alien.
Brenda: I’m not an alien!
Jack: Oh, you’re good, I’ll give you that.
Brenda: But I’m not!
Jack: Yeah, and the Lone Ranger didn’t have a thing with Tonto.
Gwen: Jack, does the shape shifter copy smells too?
Owen: No. just physical.
Gwen: Right well, I recognize the bloody awful perfume anywhere. It’s Brenda, Jack. It’s Brenda.
Rhys hits Jack: That’s for calling my mother an ugly bitch!
Shape Shifter: Let me have my young and I won’t hurt you.
Rhys: You’re too late, it’s gone! I’ve had a gutful of you. You get my girlfriend pregnant, you impersonate my mum, and you ruin my wedding day! the chainsaw dies Fuck.
Shape Shifter: Rhys, you’re a bad boy. And you know what bad boys get! she explodes
Jack: How’s that for a shape shift?
Jack: That whole Evil Dead thing looks pretty good on you, Rhys.
Jack: Enjoy the honeymoon.
Gwen: I will. What will you do while I’m gone?
Jack: Oo, the usual. Pizza. Ianto. Save the world a couple of times.
Gwen: Will you miss me?
Jack: Always. Rhys is a lucky man. A perfect husband. He’s loyal, brave… hm, he’s got a hell of a swing on him! And best of all, he really loves you.
Gwen: I know.
Ianto: May I… um…? awkwardly clears throat
Gwen: Yes. turns to dance with Ianto who turns to dance with Jack
Gwen: Okay Jack. What’s going on?
Jack: Strange thing when you mix Level Six Retcon with champagne. Really makes the party go with a schwing. Then you fall asleep.
Gwen: You retconned our families? It’s probably for the best. I don’t want my mum remembering what happened to her today.
Jack: Maybe the happy couple shouldn’t either?
Gwen: No, thank you. There’ll be no secrets in this marriage.
Jack: It’s been a busy day, but we are not finished yet. We’ve got a lot to do. We’ve got a major mop-up operation, and I want your best work. Remember: it’s Gwen’s wedding.
Ianto: That’s what I love about Torchwood. By day you’re chasing the scum of the Universe, come midnight, you’re the Wedding Fairy.
Ianto: When the film stopped these… shadows went past me.
Jack: What kind of shadows?
Ianto: Don’t know. Wasn’t clear. Something else: you were up there on the screen. Large as life.
Jack: What was I doing?
Ianto: You were on some sort of a stage. Inside a big tent. You seemed to be part of a travelling show.
Jack: I heard it. Heard it’s music. Just a snatch of it. That film was beautiful.
Ianto: All those acts performing for us. Part of history, trapped on film forever.
Jack: Their days were numbered. Cinema may have saved their images but it finished off the travelling shows. Killed them.
Jonathan: I’ve been compiling old footage of Hope Street and the Electro for opening night. But the circus clips weren’t on it, I swear.
Jack: So the film that was shown wasn’t meant to be here?
Jonathan: No. And that’s what’s so scary. I mean, it kind of played itself. It’s like it wanted to be seen.
Jack: Like something was trying to get through.
Owen: Right, now I’ve seen everything.
Ianto: I told you so.
Gwen: You did stand-up.
Jack: I never did stand-up.
Gwen: Okay then. A song and dance.
Jack: I was sensational!
Tosh: I don’t believe this, Jack. What were you doing there?
Owen: He’s part of this freakshow.
Jack: Yeah. Something’s never change.
Owen: You being rude about me? Look at the state of ’em.
Gwen: But I do love his leotard.
Jack: The Night Travellers.
Tosh: The what?
Jack: Tosh, play that back. So they did exist.
Tosh: Did you work with these people?
Jack: I didn’t work with them. I never knew anyone who did. They only performed in the dead of night. Anyway, it was just a tale that was around at that time. A ghost story. They came from out of the rain. That’s how people described them.
Owen: So what did these night travellers do?
Jack: Left a trail of damage and sorrow wherever they performed.
Christina: Your eyes are older than your face.
Jack: Is that a bad thing?
Jack: Those reels of film in Jonathan’s workroom—
Ianto: I took them out, destroyed them. Let’s hope that’s an end to it.
Jack: What worries me are all those long lost pieces of film, tucked away in dusty cellars, hidden in lofts. The night travellers could still be there, somewhere. Just waiting.
Owen: What do we think happens to them?
Jack: Scattered through time and space I guess.
Owen: Cheery thought.
Gwen: Ianto, hi. I’m sorry. I didn’t realize—
Ianto: Doesn’t matter.
Gwen: I wouldn’t have come in if I’d known—
Jack: Always room for one more. We could have used you an hour ago for naked hide-and-seek.
Ianto: He cheats. He always cheats.
Gwen: What are you doing to them? What’s going on? Tell me.
Jack: I’ll take it from here, Helen. It was Ianto, wasn’t it?
Gwen: What are you doing?
Jack: I can explain.
Gwen: No no no. You stay away from me.
Jack: Let’s go outside and talk.
Gwen: These are the people taken by the Rift. What are they doing here? What have you done?
Jack: When I took over Torchwood there were two just like Jonah. Ravaged from falling through the Rift. Being kept in the vaults. Neglected. I wanted them looked after. Iset this place up, told the staff these were experiments that had gone wrong.
Gwen: How many are there?
Jack: Seventeen at last count. It’s increased over the last year. Like the Rift is trying to correct its mistakes.
1,392 Deaths Earlier:
Jack: Ladies! Torso of steel, shillin’ a feel! Any takers? Bar fight. Got a little out of control. Flesh wound. Oh, still not used to… these hangovers. Captain Jack Harkness. How long have you been there? No response. The silent type. Okay. I used to date a guy with no mouth. Surprisingly creative. They assault him. Listen, you only had to ask. Wanna get a room now?
Jack: What I said about getting a room I meant somewhere with linen! Time was, electrodes to the nipples meant the start of a good night.
Blonde: Full power charge and still breathing.
Jack: Pretty advanced piece of equipment you’ve got there. You ladies are ahead of yourselves. Now where the hell am I? She aims a gun at him. Put that down before someone gets— She shoots.
Brunette: Why aren’t you dead yet?
Jack: Been trying to figure that out myself.
Blonde: We’ve been monitoring you. You’ve been killed 14 times in the last six months.
Jack: Feels like more than that.
Blonde: Who’s the Doctor?
Jack: No idea.
Brun: Hm. “The Doctor. He’ll be able to fix me.” “When the Doctor, it’ll all be put right.” “You wait ’til I see the Doctor. First I’m going to kiss him, then I’m going to kill him.”
Jack: You know, no one likes a smart ass.
Bl: You’re in Torchwood: Cardiff. The Torchwood Institute was created to combat the threat posed by the Doctor and other phantasmagoria.
Jack laughing: He’s not a threat. The Doctor’s the one who will save you from your phantasma-whojits.
Bl: Just tell us his location.
Jack: I don’t know! He left me behind. I came here to find him. He refuels from that rift you have. I’m hoping that if I stay here long enough we’ll find each other.
Card Reader: He’s coming—the one you’re looking for. But the century will turn to ice. Before you find each other.
Jack: Oo! Are you for real? This sinks in. You mean I have to wait a hundred years to find him? What do I do in the meantime?
Jack: Hey, when you joked about the MIllenium Bug I didn’t realize it was going to have 18 legs stocked with poison. Anyone home? Hey! You know you’re supposed to party like it—
5 Years Earlier:
Jack: You made this, right?
Tosh: I just followed the plans.
Jack: The plans don’t work.
Jack: The technical plans you followed, they were wrong. They had mistakes in them. That’s why the plans were shelved. But you, Toshiko sato, you automatically fixed things as you went along. What I’m trying to say is, “Aw, baby! You’re good.”
21 months earlier:
Ianto: I saw what they did at Canary Wharf. What am I supposed to do with those memories?
Jack: You are not my responsibility. And we’re not hiring.
Ianto: Same time tomorrow then.
Jack: There’s no job for you here. And there never will be.
Ianto: I really like that coat!
Jack: Go back to London, find yourself another life. Keep stalking me, I’ll wipe your memory.
Ianto: No, but the thing is—
Jack: Look, any conversation between us, no matter what the subject, is over. Finished. Done. Forever. I’m getting back behind the wheel of that car. If you’re still standing in the road, I’m gonna drive through you.
Ianto: So you’re not going to help me catch this pterodactyl then?
Jack: How’d you find it?
Ianto: Rift Activity Locator.
Jack: Torchwood London.
Ianto: See? Quality kit.
Jack: Yeah, it’s quite excitable.
Ianto: Must be your aftershave.
Jack: Never wear any.
Ianto: You smell like that naturally?
Jack: Fifty-first century pheremones. You people have no idea.
Jack: Hey. Report for work first thing tomorrow. I like the suit, by the way.
Four years earlier:
Owen about Katie : I am losing her and I don’t know what to do about that. So please.
Jack: You’re fine. It’s the rest of the world that’s delusional.
John: Oh! Deja vu! Or did I say that already? Hey team. Of course there mighht be a few less of you by now. Don’t know if you liked my little gift. “course you can’t die. And with all that life, all that time, you can’t spare any for me. Oh! Say Hi to the family.
Jack: No. It can’t be.
John: Been awhile since you’ve seen your brother. Eh Jack?
John: Okay, here’s what’s going to happen: Everything you love, everything you treasure. will die. I’m gonna tear your world apart, Captain Jack Harknes, piece by piece. Starting now. Maybe now you’ll want to spend some time with me.
John: I’ve been here quite awhile. What kept you?
Jack: We all survived. You know if you’re going to set an explosion you need to be more efficient.
John: Oh, them. They were just prototypes. Had to test out a theory. How are they all? Your little team?
Jack: What do you want?
John: I want you to know that I love you.
Jack: Funny way of showing it.
John: No seriously. You have to understand. I really do love you. ‘Cause this. Is gonna get nasty.
Jack: This is a little extreme, don’t you think?
John: Oh what? Suddenly you’re anti-bondage?
Jack: Why are you doing this?
John: Well see. Now you’re interested in me. It’s always the same. Nobody cares until you tie them up. A number of reasons, actually. You were very rude to me.
John: Very rude indeed. In front of people who barely knew me. You belittled me. I can’t let that go.
Jack: You’re serious?
John: Second, you have all of time—eternity, essentially—and you still refuse to spend time with me. After all we’ve been through together, after all I’ve done for you.
Jack: Where’s Grey? What have you done with my brother?
John: You don’t realize… Actions, ramifications, ripples in the pond. It’s beyond my control.
Jack: Oh “beyond your control”. Please.
John: It is. You need to understand that.
Jack: Don’t touch those controls!
John: Oy! I’m working here.
Jack: Whatever you’re planning, we’re going to stop you.
John: Oh! Okay. Go on then. Stop me. I hope you can. Really. No? Alright. Let’s go get ourselves a good view.
Jack: You destroyed the city!
John: Hold me.
John: We’re safe. Now, before you do anything rash you have to hear—
Jack: Take us back now!
John: No way. We have to be this far to escape the trigger signal. Look at it, go on. It’s bonded to my skin, I can’t get it off. Open it.
John: Ninth generation detonator.
Jack: You’re a walking bomb.
John laughs: Add to that a surveillance circuit to monitor my every word and action, and he has me doing anything I’m told. ‘Cause if I don’t: boom! I’m not my own man. I thought you’d see that. But oh no! You’re so self-obsessed you thought I’d want to blow up your stupid city. When I could be experiencing seventeen simultaneous pleasures in the Lotus Nebula.
Grey: I never stopped believing. I always knew we’d find each other again.
Grey: Sorry’s not good enough. stabs him. Get a shovel.
Grey: How long before you gave up? Months? Years? Decades?
Jack: What do you want from me?
Grey: I want you to suffer. I want your life.
Jack: I forgive you.
Grey: How did you survive?
Jack: I’ve crossed my own timeline. I can’t be allowed to meet myself. A lot of lives depend on this. You’ll be protecting the future. That’s what you’re here for, isn’t it?
Jack: I’ve forgiven you. I give you absolution. Now do the same for me!
Grey: The only strength I have is my hatred for you.
Jack: I didn’t know. I didn’t realize until it was too late.
Grey: I begrudge you everything. I wanna rip it all from you, to leave you screaming in the dark. I will never absolve you. All of it, it’s your fault.
Jack: Toshiko? Toshiko! Gwen I need help down here.
Ianto: The nuclear plant at Turnhill. Owen’s there.
Tosh: He was sealed in. We averted the blast. Couldn’t save him.
Gwen: Tosh. Here you go Tosh. Talk to me now, okay? Tosh?
Jack: The end is where we start from.