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Captain Jack Harkness: Contraceptives in the rain. I love this planet. Still, at least I won’t get pregnant. I’m never doing that again.
John: Who are you?
Jack: Tell me, what was it like when you died? What did you see? John, tell me what you saw.
Suzie Costello: Ten seconds.
John: Nothing. I saw nothing. Oh my god, there’s nothing.
Jack: We told the last corpse he was injured. He wasted the whole two minutes screaming for an ambulance. Maybe there’s a no right way of doing it. looking up at Gwen in the parking ramp. What do you think?
Owen Harper: I can’t do this. I’m sorry. I’m rubbish, I give up.
Toshiko Sato: He set me off.
Suzie Costello: Well that lasted no point two seconds.
Owen Harper: Hm. She’s actually carrying pizza.
Jack: Come on! She was going to say, “Here’s your pizza.” And I was going to
say, “How much?”. And she says, “Oh whatever, 20 quid.” And I say, “Oo, I don’t have any money.” I was working on a punch line. I hadn’t got there, but it would’ve been good.
Gwen: Here’s your pizza. I think I’d better go.
Jack: I think we’ve gone past that stage.
Jack: It’s called a Weevil. Or at least we call them Weevils. We don’t know their real name because they’re not too good at communicating. But we’ve got a couple hundred of them in the city, living in the sewers, feeding off the— well. it’s the sewers. You can guess.
Jack: Owen Harper, Gwen Cooper.
Owen: Dr. Owen Harper, thank you.
Jack: Toshiko Sato, computer genius. Suzie Costello. She’s second-in-command. And this is Ianto Jones. Ianto cleans up after us and and gets us everywhere on time.
Ianto: I do my best.
Jack: And looks good in a suit.
Gwen: The thing is I just don’t understand—
Jack: No, I’ll tell you what I don’t understand. You’re going to rattle on with that “How can this be true?” kind of shtick. What’s it going to take for you people? If you want evidence of aliens, how about that great big spaceship hovering over London on Christmas Day? What about the battle of Canary Wharf? A Cyberman in every home.
Gwen: My boyfriend says it’s like a sort of terrorism. Like they put drugs in the water supplies. Psychotropic drugs. Causing mass hallucinations and stuff.
Jack: Yeah well, your boyfriend is stupid.
Gwen: Oh, you’ve met him.
Gwen: And who are you then?
Jack: Captain Jack Harkness.
Gwen: I did some research. And there’s only one Captain Jack Harkness on record. And he disappeared in 1941.
Jack: Well that couldn’t be me. Could it?
Jack: We don’t just catch aliens. We scavenge the stuff they leave behind, find ways of using it. arming the human race for the future. The twenty-first century is when it all changes. And you’ve got to be ready.
Gwen: But who’s in charge of you? Is it the government or what?
Jack: We’re separate from the police, outside the government, beyond the United Nations. Because if one power got ‘hold of this stuff they could use it for their own purposes.
Gwen: But so could you.
Jack: All alien technology stays on the base. No one’s allowed to take anything outside.
Gwen: So go on then. How the hell did you end up in Cardiff?
Jack: This is Torchwood Three. Torchwood One was London—destroyed in the battle. Torchwood Two is an office in Glasgow—a very strange man. Torchwood Three, Cardiff. Torchwood Four has kinda gone missing but we’ll find it one day.
Gwen: So you just fancied Cardiff?
Jack: There’s a rift in space and time running right through the city.
Gwen: …If you let me go, I’ve got a duty. I can tell them what that does. Because that glove could help us.
Jack: If you remember.
Gwen: What do you mean?
Jack: How’s your drink?
Gwen: Have you poisoned me?
Jack: Don’t be so dramatic. It’s an amnesia pill. My own recipe. With a touch of denial and a dash of retcon. Wake up tomorrow morning, you’ll have forgot everything about Torchwood. Worse still, you’ll have forgotten me. Which is kind of tragic.
Jack to Gwen: Are you always this awkward?
Jack: That was just the kiss. Imagine the buzz you get from the rest. Carys faints. That wasn’t exactly the reaction I’d anticipated.
Jack: Gorgeous nanotechnology. Makes NASA look like Toys ‘r’ Us.
Jack: Human emotion is energy. You can’t always see it or hear it, but you can feel it. Ever had deja vu? Felt someone walk over your grave? Ever felt someone behind you in an empty room? Well there was. There always is.
Gwen: I’m sorry, it’s just… I don’t even kill spiders in the bath.
Jack: Nor do I. Not with a gun.
Jack: The problem with seeing the future is you can’t just sit and look at it. You’ve got to try and change things.
Jack: Ianto, I need hear those beautiful Welsh vowels.
Jack: Keep your comms open at all times. Any doubt, shoot first.
Jack: You need to figure out whose side you’re on here. Because if you don’t know, you’re not going to make it out of this alive.
Jack: You’ve been hiding in my basement. That’s okay. Draining my power? I can live with that. But now you’re hurting my friends. This has got to stop.
Estelle: Fairies are shy, you see. But I know in my heart that they’re friendly, loving creatures. She ends the lecture. Thank you.
Jack: Wrong. She always gets it wrong.
Jack: Estelle shouldn’t be living in town. She belongs in the countryside.
Gwen: How often do you get to see her?
Jack: We meet up now and again.
Gwen: Whenever she sees her fairies?
Jack: She calls them fairies, I don’t.
Gwen: What do you call them?
Jack: They’ve never really had a proper name.
Gwen: Why not?
Jack: Something from the dawn of time. Who could possibly put a name to that?
Gwen: Are we talking alien?
Gwen: How come?
Jack: Because they’re part of us—part of our world. Yet we know nothing about them. So we pretend to know what they look like. We see them as happy. We pretend they have tiny little wings and are bathed in moonlight.
Gwen: But they’re not?
Jack: No. Think dangerous. Think something you can only half-see. Like a glimpse, like something out of the corner of your eye. With a touch of myth, a touch of the spirit world, a touch of reality, all jumbled together. Old moments and memories that are frozen in amongst it. Like the breeze spinning around a ringed planet, tossing, turning, whirling. Backwards and forwards through time. If that’s them, we have to find them. Before all hell breaks loose.
Estelle: You were right, Jack. There are bad ones. They’ve come to me.
Jack: Estelle, we’re on our way. Stay where you are. Don’t go anywhere near them. Do you understand?
Jack: All these so-called fairies were children once. From different moments in time. Going back millennia. Part of the Lost Lands.
Gwen: Lost Lands? What?
Jack: The lands that belong to them.
Gwen: What exactly do they want? Why are they here?
Jack: They want what’s theirs. The next Chosen One.
Jack: We’ll start with the most recent victim, Ellie Johnson. We last have record of her making a phone call. She dropped out of signal mid-call. The coverage map has her placed somewhere about here. Looks as good a place as any to set up camp.
Owen: Sorry. Did you say, “camp”?
Jack: No other race in the universe goes camping. Celebrate your own uniqueness.
Jack: We have to assume the others who disappeared have been killed too.
Owen: So you think there’s been seventeen deaths?
Jack: At least. These aren’t casual killers.
Owen: Okay. So this means the Rift is spreading and it’s dumping aliens and psychos wherever it lands.
Jack: Looks like that.
Owen: Great. This conversation’s cheered me up no end.
Jack: Okay, so we didn’t check the cellar.
Jack: You need to know something. A long time ago I was pretty good at torture. You see, I had quite a reputation as the go-to guy. My job demanded it at the time, you see? So I know where to apply the tiniest amount of pressure to a wound like yours.
Jack: Once—just once—I’d like to walk into one of these tents and find it’s a party. You know, with food and drink, people dancing… a girl crying in the corner.
Gwen: Is it alien?
Jack: And how. I’m picking up traces of ilminite, pyroxine and even dark matter.
Gwen: Any idea what it is?
Jack: Not a clue. Could be a weapon. Or a really big stapler.
Jack: So I’ve just come from a really interesting conversation with a Detective Inspector Henderson.
Jack: Interesting because, firstly, the man had the biggest hands I’ve ever seen. And secondly, because of the story he told me about you saving a woman and her kid from being murdered by her ex-husband?
Tosh: Yeah, no, I was going to tell you about that.
Jack: So why didn’t you?
Tosh: I don’t know. It wasn’t a work thing, just a… thing thing. Stuff happens all the time that’s not pertinent to here.
Jack: You do this all the time? So you secretly fight crime, is that it, Tosh?
Tosh: I didn’t want it to look like I was showing off.
Jack: The guy they arrested, Henderson said you heard him muttering to himself as he was walking along, and that’s what tipped you off.
Tosh: Mm. I couldn’t really work out what he was saying at first, and then it was like, Jesus!
Jack: That’s weird. Because when I’m about to murder someone I’m really careful not to talk to myself about it while I’m in the street.
Tosh: No, sure. I mean, that’s lesson one.
Jack: A friend of mine. Let’s call him Vincent. That was his name after all. Regular guy. Girlfriend. Likes his sport, likes a beer. Starts acting a little… strange. A little distracted. Suddenly he disappears for a couple months. He comes back and we’ve got to start calling him Vanessa. Since then I’ve always been a little nervous when a friend behaves out of character.
Jack: I’m sorry, we haven’t been introduced. Jack Harkness. (feigning a Southern accent) My guess is you’re not from around these parts.
Detective Swanson: At last, you must be Torchwood. My team bitch about you all the time.
Jack: And you are?
Detective Swanson: Detective Swanson.
Jack: I’m Captain Jack Harkness.
Detective Swanson: So I’ve heard. Tell me something, are you always this dressy for a murder investigation?
Jack: What, you’d rather me naked?
Detective Swanson: God help me. The stories are true.
Detective Swanson: Looks like somebody wants your attention.
Jack: They’ve got it.
Gwen: The first time I met Torchwood, you had that glove.
Jack: Uh uh. No way.
Owen: Not after what it did to Suzie.
Gwen: It brings people back to life. Just for two minutes. We could question the murder victims.
Owen: That’s exactly what she said. She was one of us, we trusted her, and now she’s dead because of that thing.
Jack: The glove stays in the safe where it belongs.
Gwen: These murders are happening because of Torchwood, so Torchwood has got to do something.
Mark Briscoe before dying again: Suzie.
Ianto: One minute five second.
Tosh: Jack, did I hear that right?
Owen: Could be anyone. Must be lots of women called Suzie.
Jack: Not connected to this case. We’ve been talking to the wrong corpse.
Gwen: Have I got this right? When I die, you get to keep all my possessions? My whole life’s gonna get stashed in a locker.
Jack: Rules and regulations.
Gwen: What if I leave all my stuff to Rhys?
Jack: We’ll stash him away too.
Jack: That one’s for Ianto. Risen Mitten, Life Knife, and that old classic: stun gun.
Jack: I had a boyfriend that used to walk into rooms like that. A grand entrance. Got kind of boring. Though he was one of twins so I put up with it. Twin acrobats. Man, I gotta write that book. Maybe even illustrate it. I can talk for a long time. A very long time.
Owen about a muttering Max: Is that a poem?
Jack: I wonder. Emily Dickinson.
Owen: And what does it mean?
Jack: It’s a verbal trigger. Say it out loud and maybe repeat it a hundred times over and the Hub locks down.
Owen: But if that’s part of the system, Suzie must’ve installed a vocal command program way back.
Jack: Back when she was alive, yeah. Max is just a Trojan Horse. Suzie planned this right from the start.
Detective Swanson on speakerphone: Alright, Captain Jack, just say that one more time. Nice and clear.
Jack: We’re locked in our base and we can’t get out.
Ianto: If you’re interested, I’ve still got a stopwatch.
Ianto: Well. Think about it. Lots of things you can do with a stopwatch.
Jack: Oh yeah. I can think of a few.
Ianto: There’s quite a list.
Jack: I’ll send the others home early. See you in my office in ten.
Ianto: That’s ten minutes. And counting.
Ianto: Oh, Jack? What do you want me to say on the death certificate?
Jack: Good question.
Ianto: She had quite a few deaths in the end.
Jack: I don’t know. “Death by Torchwood.”
Ianto: I’ll put a lock on the door. Just in case she goes walking again.
Jack: Nah. No chance of that. The Resurrection Days are over, thank God.
Ianto: Oh, I wouldn’t be too sure. That’s the thing about gloves, sir. They come in pairs.
Diane: If all this is true, then how do we get back?
Jack: You don’t. According to history your plane never returned. I’m sorry.
Jack: Your background story should incorporate the skills you already have. For instance, John, you could have run a corner shop.
Jack: We can fake references.
John: You can’t take away our names. For God’s sake, man, it’s all we’ve got left. My son’s name. It’s the name above my shop.
Jack: You’re right. I didn’t think. You should keep your name.
John: That’s an American accent, isn’t it?
Jack: That’s right.
John: How do you end up here. Doing whatever it is that you do?
Jack: It’s a long story.
John: I’m a slow drinker. You know everything about me, what’s the problem?
Jack: It’s… complicated.
John: What, did you fall through time too?
Jack: Yeah, you could say that.
John: Who are you?
Jack: A man like you out of his time. Alone and scared.
John: How do you cope?
Jack: It’s just bearable. It has to be. I don’t have a choice.
John: But I do. If you won’t help me, let me go with some dignity. Don’t you damn me to live.
Jack: I hate to break it to you, but you’re not my first. Anti-Weevil spray, hand clamps. C’mon, let’s make this easy for both of us. The weevil attacks. This always happens when I give them the night off.
Jack: You promised to keep hold of your life. Don’t let it drift.
Jack about Janet: Owen’s been studying this one. He thinks they have a low level of telepathic ability to share emotion across distance.
Ianto: You mean it might be feeling the pain of another Weevil?
Jack: Kinda hope we’re wrong, though.
Jack: Because that would mean somebody’s not only kidnapping Weevils, they’re causing them pain.
Jack: You know what they used these warehouses for during World War II? Storing the bodies of dead GIs. pause. Sometimes you can know too much history.
Jack: Wow. Look at the chandelier. No neon lights back then. Just dashing young soldiers and pretty young ladies. And as they danced, the girls would look into their partners’ eyes, smile softly and say—
Tosh: Jack! Mind my laptop.
Jack: I was thinking more along the lines of, “And how long before you head off to war?”
Bilis Manger: Do call again.
Jack: I would love to.
Tosh: Where’s the SUV? Has it been stolen?
Jack seeing a flyer for 1941: No. We have.
Tosh: We really are in 1941. What if we can’t get back?
Jack: Flotsam and jetsam slips through all the time. We’ll get back. Look on the bright side. Gives you one hell of an excuse not to go to your party.
Tosh: I have a life there. And they can’t help us back at the Hub because I have the latest readings in here. People are staring at us.
Jack: We need to try to blend in.
Tosh: It’s easy for you to say. I’m the only Asian here.
Jack: Don’t worry. You’re with the Captain.
The Captain and Jack simultaneously: I’m Captain—
Jack: You go first.
Captain Harkness: I’m Captain Jack Harkness. 133rd Squadron.
Tosh: Why does that man have your name? I’m lost enough here without you holding back on me!
Jack: It’s not my name. It’s his. I took his. But I didn’t realize he was so hot.
Jack: I know too much.
Tosh: Then share.
Jack: You wouldn’t want that. Trust me.
Tosh: Pearl Harbor, Jack.
Jack: Doesn’t happen till the end of the year.
Tosh: Granddad stayed in London but he was persecuted. If I stay stuck here, what will happen to me?
Jack: I’ll take care of you.
Tosh: This period—you look like you fit in. Have you been here before?
Jack: Yeah. I can’t explain, but I served in the war in 1941. I was undercover. I needed a false identity, so I took his name.
Tosh: Who were you before you took his name? Why him?
Jack: It was convenient.
Tosh: But if you chose his identity to steal, then he… ?
Jack: Dies. In battle.
Jack: Go after her. Kiss her goodbye. Anything can happen tomorrow.
Captain Harkness: It’s just a routine training exercise. I’m hardly gonna die.
Jack: That’s when they catch you, when you least expect it. You don’t know what’s ahead. Kiss her goodbye.
Jack: Tomorrow is their last training exercise. Just another day. They go out on a sortie and are surprised by two formations of Messerschmitts. He destroys three of the enemy. His men listen to his whoops of joy over the radio. Then it all goes quiet. He can’t bail out because his whole plane is on fire. But his men all make it back to safety.
Tosh: Who were you?
Jack: A con man. That’s why I took his name, falsified his records so it seemed he was still alive.
Tosh: How did you end up in Torchwood?
Jack: Someone saved my life. Brought me back from death. And ever since then it’s been like… they’re keeping me for something and I don’t know what it is. I’m sorry for dragging you into this.
Tosh: It was my choice.
Jack: I’ll look after you. But there’s nothing I can do for him.
Jack: Okay, I’ve been fielding calls all night. The government, UNIT, the CIA. Half the Western world and a good portion of the Eastern are asking the same question: is this anything to do with us?
Gwen: And is it?
Jack: The cracks in time trace back here to the Rift. The city—this hub—is the center. What you’re seeing around the world are ripples and aftershocks. The Rift is splintering because of you.
Jack: You opened the Rift without knowing what you were doing. You’ve caused the temporal cracks to widen. Time is seeping through.
Jack: Under any other circumstances an exuberant Roman soldier would be my idea of a perfect morning.
Gwen: If Owen managed to open the Rift to get you and Tosh back, can’t we do the same for these people? We’ve still got the Rift manipulator.
Jack: There’s a world of difference. We’re talking about taking control of time, not bringing two people back from the past. Besides, look at the damage Owen caused. We mess with it further, we’ll put the whole planet in danger.
Owen: No, come on. You’re all thinking it too. You’re the big man here. You keep all the secrets. Well now’s the time to tell us a few and tell us how the hell we’re gonna get out of this!
Jack: You want to know a secret? There is no solution. I can’t fix this. Because this was never meant to happen. The first thing you learned when you joined Torchwood was “Don’t mess with the Rift.” But you disobeyed those orders and now everything that’s happening is down to you.
Owen: Who the fuck are you anyway? Jack Harkness? You don’t even exist. We’ve looked. So if you’re not even a real person, then why the hell should I follow your orders?
Jack: Get out.
Jack: Get out! I’m relieving you of your duty.
Owen: What, so that’s it? The whole world is gone to shit and you’re gonna fire me?
Gwen: For gods sake, both of you, we need to stick together on this.
Jack: If I can’t rely on you—if I don’t have your complete trust—you don’t belong here. That goes for the rest of you. Anyone who agrees with Owen, leave now!
Jack: You’re a united front now. Toshiko: the poor girl who’ll screw any passing alien that gives her a pendant. Owen: so strong he gets in a cage with a Weevil, desperate to be mauled. Ianto: hiding a cyber-girlfriend in the basement. Your three comrades here pumped bullets into her, remember?
Gwen: I’ve got to get Rhys back.
Jack: Yeah, because you’re so in love with Rhys that you spend half your time in Owen’s bed.
Gwen hitting him: Fuck you!
Owen: We’re relieving you of your command, Captain. We’re opening that Rift and getting back what we lost! Jack gets up. Stay down!
Jack: You gonna be in charge Owen? You’ve gotta have significantly bigger balls. Owen shoots him in the forehead.
Gwen: What happened to the Rift?
Jack: It closed up when Abaddon was destroyed. But it’s gonna be more volatile than ever.
Gwen: The visions we had. We all saw people we loved. What did you see?
Jack: Nothing. There was nothing.
Gwen: Jack. What would have tempted you? What visions would have convinced you to open the rift?
Jack: The right kind of Doctor.
Gwen: Something’s taken him. Jack’s gone.