The Chrismukkah That Almost Wasn’t

Caleb: What is the point of living in Southern California if it’s going to be this cold?
Sandy: Fifty degrees in December, Cal. That ain’t cold.
Caleb: Yeah, my blood must have gotten thinner.
Sandy: Or you’ve got ice in your veins.

Sandy: Spare me. You’re not trying to protect Lindsay, you’re trying to protect yourself. Because you know once you come clean you’re gonna get what’s coming to you. But facing Kirsten and Julie has got to be better than going to jail.
Caleb: Kirsten maybe. Not Julie.
Sandy: Well this is it. I’m done. And so are you. Happy Holidays.

Seth: If my sense of the cultural zeitgeist is accurate—and I do believe it is—this is the year that Chrismukkah sweeps the nation. Okay, people?

Kirsten: I’ve invited the Nichols… or the Cooper-Nichols… or whatever they’re called these days.
Seth: They’re called Gentiles. And a whole slew of them I bet. Now we’re going to have to really put our heads together and do some serious Jewcruitment. Ryan, do you think you can rope in some new recruits?
Ryan: Blond hair, blue eyes. No problem, I’m a natural.
Seth: Fair point, my Aryan friend. Now, where are we going to find some Jews in Orange County? Father! I have just discovered the ideal job for you this Chrismukkah.
Sandy: Chrismukkah. Oh, leave me out of it.
Kirsten: Oy humbug.
Seth: Oy humbug.

Seth: For Chrismukkah to sweep the nation, we’re gonna need an anthem.

Julie: Does this count as adultery?
Jimmy: Cheating on your husband with your ex-husband? Technically I think it does, yeah.

Renee: Why did you want to meet here?
Sandy: I’ve run out of places to go. I’ve had so many clandestine meetings lately I feel like I’m in an Oliver Stone movie.

Kirsten: I thought you and Jimmy were getting along really well.
Julie: Oh really. What makes you say that?
Kirsten: Because last week you said you and Jimmy were getting along really well.

Lindsay: Every kid grows up, stops believing in Santa. I stopped believing in my dad. And there’s no pine needles to clean up.

Marissa: This sucks. Last year the holidays were so much fun.
Summer: Yeah. I got rejected by Cohen in a Wonderwoman costume and you got caught shoplifting.
Marissa: It was memorable though.
Summer: I guess it was.

Seth: Hey. Somebody just went from taupe to putty!

Seth: Hey, ye of little faith. Trust those of mixed faith.

Seth about the Yamaclaus: Holy Moses, it’s beautiful.

Renee. What are you doing here?
She’s doing what you’re about to do.

Kirsten: No one’s going anywhere until someone tells me what the hell’s going on.
Julie walking in with Jimmy: Hey. What’s going on?
Seth: Good thing the kitchen’s roomy.

Ryan: How’d it go with your mom?
Seth: Ah, we’re at charcoal, on my color-coded holiday alert system.

Ryan: So Chrismukkah?
Seth: Cancelled. The way nature and, apparently we, intended.
Ryan: That is so sad. Chrismukkah is supposed to bring people together.

Summer: Well you guys can all give up, but I still believe in a Chrismukkah miracle. {silence} And I have a plan.

Julie: You and your secrets, Cal. We need a walk-in closet for all your skeletons.

Seth: Congratulations. You’re a Cohen. Welcome to a life of insecurity and paralyzing self-doubt.
Lindsay: It’s a little soon to joke.
Seth: Not for us Cohens. It’s what we do. Laugh through our tears. Make jokes inappropriately soon after traumatic events. Sometimes we’ll just make the joke during the traumatic event.

Lindsay: What does Moses have to do with Hanakkuh?
Seth: You know, I think you’re missing the point of the holiday completely.

Seth: So Summer Roberts, you saved Chrismukkah.
Summer: I kind of did, didn’t I.

Seth singing: Moses and Jesus, they both had beards.