The O.C. Julie Cooper

Season 3


Melinda Clarke

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The Aftermath

Julie: C’mon. It’s okay for a prosecutor and defense attorneys to have lemonade together. We’re all human beings here.
Jimmy: I’m not so sure with these guys.

Julie to Mr. Frankel: Let’s play hot/cold, hm? Two million. Seven million. I have at least three million coming from my pre-nup. You blinked! Does one blink mean yes?

The Shape of Things to Come

Sandy: Jimmy couldn’t make it?
Julie: He’s working. Business associate from Hawaii showed up.
Sandy: Ah, just as well. One Montague, one Capulet. That should be plenty.

Jimmy: How much are you thinking? Like two thousand, or… three?
Julie: Wake up, Jimmy. The Siegfrieds donated pool and a fieldhouse. Their kid only smoked pot. Marissa shot someone.

Julie: Marissa had a meeting with the dean yesterday. Apparently she showed him a side of herself she usually reserves for me.
Jimmy: That bad, huh?
Julie: I don’t think any amount of money is getting her back in that school.

The End of Innocence

Julie seeing Kirsten: God, maybe I should check myself into rehab.

Mr. Frankel: Caleb Nichol was a very generous man who loved his family very much.
Julie: Sandy gave a very nice eulogy at the funeral so let’s just skip the niceties, okay?
Mr. Frankel: Well Caleb’s wish was to split his fortune equally between his daughters and his wife.
Jimmy: Wow. That’s, that’s very generous.
Julie: I’m getting the same as Kirsten?
Mr. Frankel: As I said, that was Caleb’s intention.
Julie: And that’s all that matters, right?
Kirsten: What is it, Mr. Frankel?
Mr. Frankel: After careful scrutiny of his account, it’s become clear that Caleb Nichol was broke.

Julie: You know, Jimmy, when I think about it, I sort of talked myself in to loving Caleb. Not for the money, but for the security money brings. But I never felt secure with him. Not the way I do with you.

Julie: What am I going to do? wha are we going to do?
Marissa: It’ll be okay. We’ll figure it out together. We always do.

The Last Waltz

Marissa: Mom, Caleb was broke. It makes sense we have to sell everything. You know, you don’t have to protect me.
Julie: Well then do you think it would be alright with Summer if you stayed until we got back on our feet? And we will get back on our feet and we’ll be wearing very expensive shoes when we do.

The Perfect Storm

Kirsten: Oh Julie. It’s a really good investment. And if you need help with the down payment—
Julie about the condos: I’m not destitute, Kirsten. I’m discerning.

Charlotte: Can I come in?
Julie: You really don’t want to. And no.

The Swells

Charlotte: Sounds like a wonderful cause.
Julie: So you’ll help us throw it?
Kirsten: Actually I told myself I’d wait awhile until I jump back into all that. You know those Newpsies. Make you want to drink.

Julie: There is not a lie in the world I haven’t heard or told so just give it to me straight, it’ll save us a lot of time.
Charlotte: I was never going to hurt you, Julie.
Julie: Right. You were just going to scam me into throwing a big charity and leave me to pick up the pieces so you could skip town.
Charlotte: Well what if you help me?
Julie: Are you drinking again?

The Anger Management

Kirsten: We should take out half these tables so we have more flow.
Julie: We should also talk to them about the music. The last event I did here they had us on the Kenny G loop.

Kirsten: Julie, I really want to thank you.
Julie: For what?
Kirsten: Making me do this. I wasn’t sure that I was ready, but having your support? I just wish my dad could see us. He’d be so proud.

Julie on the microphone: Excuse me. Ah, excuse me. May I have your attention over here, please? I’m Julie Cooper-Nichol. It’s so great to see all your faces. And I just want to thank you so much for coming here. With your assistance we are going to be able to help a great many women in need. {applause} Thank you. However as you write your checks I would ask that you make them out to the National Foundation for Substance Abuse. As it so happens your generosity has somewhat overwhelmed our small organization and with the National Foundation’s network your money will go a lot further. And still be tax-deductible. So thank you, very much.
Kirsten: Did you know about this?
Charlotte: No, I— I’ll go talk to her. {grabs Julie} Julie, what the hell do you think you’re doing?
Julie: Oh. Could you not hear me? I always hold the mic too far away.
Charlotte: I wasn’t kidding about the police, Julie. Now you get back over there and you tell everyone it was a mistake.
Julie: Call them.
Charlotte: What?
Julie: Call the police. {no reaction} I thought so.
Charlotte: Oh, what? You think you’re back in society now so you don’t need the money? Wake up, Julie. These people are never going to accept you. You don’t have any friends here.
Julie: Wrong. I have Kirsten. And I won’t do this to her. Now, I think it’s time you left, don’t you? This town’s only really big enough for one manipulative bitch. Take care, sweetie.

The Game Plan

3F: You live in the Balboa Estates and you drive your own U-Haul?
Julie: You know, just keepin’ it real. Gotta go. See you around. 3F.

Julie: Kirsten, I don’t need your charity.
Kirsten: Then why are you living in a trailer? I’m sorry. I followed you yesterday.
Julie: Well, then I certainly hope you’re opening a detective agency.

Julie: Gus! I told your wife, I don’t swing!

Gus: Hey, Julie!
Julie: I’ve got a gun, Gus.
Gus: That’s cool.

The Disconnect

Kirsten: Who wants to see their maids nude?
Julie: Not maids, Kirsten. They’re strippers.
Kirsten: Who wants a stripper doing their laundry?

Julie: Sandy, I don’t think I’m in favor of low income housing.
Kirsten: Julie, you live in a trailer park.
Julie: And I’m highly motivated to change my circumstances. If you make being poor too comfortable, what’s the incentive to get rich? Believe me, if anyone should know.
Sandy: On that uplifting note, I’ll leave you two to hash out the finer points of the free market economy.

Kirsten: Do you and your guests want dinner in the dining room, or— oh, the terrace would be nice.
Jeff: Well, let me ask my guest. to Julie Dining room or terrace?
Julie: Excuse me?
Jeff: I haven’t invited anyone. I was hoping, Julie, that you might join me for dinner.
Kirsten: Mr. XYZ, if this is a joke it’s not funny. I spent two days cooking and Julie bought a Flower Mart.
Jeff: One dinner, please. I’ll pay what I promised. I just want the chance to get to know you better.
Kirsten: Julie, we’re leaving.
Julie: You did all this for a date with me?
Kirsten: Fine. But you’re serving yourselves.
Julie: Hungry?
Jeff: Nope.

Julie: You know what I’m really craving? Sweet corn ravioli. Or do you think that will be too heavy with the crab cakes?
Kirsten: What I think is that you don’t find this business very interesting.
Julie: I’m sorry, Kiki. I’ve just been eating a lot of Ramen lately.
Kirsten: Julie, if this business works, you’ll never have to boil your dinner again.

Kirsten: How was your date?
Julie: Oh, it was awful. We totally didn’t click, we had nothing to talk about, his tongue was like sandpaper.
Kirsten: I’m sorry to hear that.
Julie: I’m sorry I never should have stayed. It was so unprofessional of me. You made all that food for nothing.
Kirsten: Well, it wasn’t for nothing. We got paid. In a way, our first venture was a success.
Julie: Yeah, I guess so. How weird is it that a guy would spend that much money just to have dinner with a woman.
Kirsten: Julie, I have an idea for a new business.
Julie: Oh my god! A high class call girl operation. I love it!
Kirsten: No. A high end dating service.
Julie: Oh! That could work too.

The Chrismukkah Bar Mitzvahkkah

Julie: I told you, Gus. I am not going to your Christmas party. Even if you are deep frying a ham.

Kirsten: I came to see how you were.
Julie: I’m great. Some of the neighbors are having a cock fight in an hour using stray dogs. It’s a holiday tradition. My money’s on the feisty Weimaraner.
Kirsten: Good. ‘Cause I’m awful.
Julie: I’m spitting Skol into a can, drinking wine from a bottle I unscrewed, and living in a home that—if I wanted to—I could put in reverse. I’m beyond awful.

Julie: It’s not like I could have the other Newpsies over for pop tarts and cock fights.

Neil: The way my wife self-medicates she could be a pharmacist. Been miserable for years.
Julie: I live in a trailer park.

The Safe Harbor

Neil: Hey Julie. Happy New Year.
Julie: “Should auld acquaintance be forgot.”
Neil: Well I don’t think you’re in much danger of being old or forgot any time soon.

Neil: The girls should be home any minute. I think they were up most of the night last night working on the petition. They’re so hopeful.
Julie: And here we are about to ruin everything.
Neil: It’s really selfish of us if you think about it, isn’t it?
Julie: You know, I suppose I could wait a couple of days, see how things pan out.
Neil: It really is more of a weekend conversation, isn’t it?
Julie: You are so right.
Neil: You know, I could really go for a drink.
Julie: You read my mind.

Julie: I don’t want any pigeon pie, Gus! I think it’s terrible what you do to those little birds.

Julie: You know, all things considered, I think I raised a pretty good kid.
Neil: I think we both did. You wanna—?
Julie: Drink?

The Sister Act

Kaitlin: Oh my god. We live in a trailer.
Julie: Well, yes. But not… live live. Um. We’re more like refugees. We’re only half a mile from the beach and, well… it’s Tiffany blue!

Julie: I’ll be okay, Kiki. I’m like the Gulf Region. At this point, what’s one more hurricane?

Julie: Tonight we launch Newport’s first exclusive dating service: New Match. Because whether you’re gay, straight, single, divorced, nearly-divorced. In a world of wealth and luxury, the only thing really worth pursuing is a soul mate.
Kirsten: So drink up, enjoy, and flirt.

The Pot Stirrer

Neil: I’m just happy that we’re finally meeting. After you postponed twice I thought maybe you changed your mind.
Julie: No. I just, kept thinking about the fact that our daughters are best friends, I’m a recent widow, you’re just out of a marriage.
Neil: So what finally tipped the scales?
Julie: I felt something.
Neil: Me too.
Julie: I’m so sorry. reaching for her wallet I really have to go—
Neil: No no. I’ve got this. Julie, how ’bout dinner on Sunday night? I know this terrible burger joint. Even the owner avoids it. We’ll be totally alone.
Julie: Sunday then.

Julie: We’re doing dinner a la Cohen.

Julie: You know, after years of doing cardiobar and yogalates I forgot how good this feels. I got three honks.

Julie about Neil: Yes, he is a gentleman.
Kirsten: Is he?
Julie: Kirsten, please. We’ve hardly had a real date. We haven’t even kissed.
Kirsten: But he offered his house for Kaitlin’s birthday. I’d say that’s a good sign.
Julie: It is a beautiful house. Although I was thinking you could change out the marble in the entrance hall. And some of the furniture—
Kirsten: Julie. Since you haven’t kissed yet you might want to hold off on the redecorating.

The Cliff Hanger

Julie: I know you’ve been married for, like, 200 years, but you must remember something about dating.
Kirsten: Well I hope so or I’m in the wrong business.

Julie: I’m impressed. You’re sneakier than I thought, Kirsten Cohen.
Kirsten: Well, being around you all these years, it’s rubbed off.

Neil looking through the New Match book: She’s pretty.
Julie: Pear-shaped. But pretty.
Neil: Oo. Look at her. Nice… smile.
Julie: Yeah. Adult braces.

Julie: It’s my own fault. I let you do the scheming. Clearly not your wheelhouse. From now on if someone needs to be manipulated we put me in charge.
Kirsten: Fair enough. Laura Cross. I don’t know her.
Julie: Well, she’ll probably marry him, and enjoy a life of free brow lifts. Anyway, I am going to get to know her and find out what I’m up against.
Kirsten: Don’t tell me you’re going to spy on her.
Julie: I tried taking your advice, KiKi. And quite frankly, it sucked. From now on we do things the Julie Cooper way.
Kirsten: Julie Cooper, be careful.

Julie: Go away Gus. I told you, I don’t want to play strip pinochle.
Neil: You play strip pinochle?
Julie: Long story. What are you doing here?
Neil: I stopped by to thank you for fixing me up with Laura. She’s a wonderful woman.
Julie: Well good. I’m glad it worked out with the two of you. If you’ll excuse me I have a Hot Pocket in the microwave and a wine cooler with my name on it. So, good luck. tries to close the door and fails. What? What do you want?
Neil: You.
Julie: Excuse me?
Neil: You can be manipulative, you can be aggressive. I’ve known you to stretch the truth on occasion. But the fact is, when I’m not around you, I miss you.
Julie: You do?
Neil: What can I say? I’ve fallen for you.
Julie: Well this just may be your lucky night. I have an extra Hot Pocket.

The Heavy Lifting

Kirsten: Julie, last time you went on a stealth mission, you toppled the dessert tray.
Julie: Yeah, but it did get his attention.

Julie: I sharpened my bamboo sticks. Turns out no force was necessary.

Julie: Oh no. I don’t do oysters. If I’m going to swallow something that disgusting there better be something in it for me.

The Road Warrior

Kirsten: Maybe you two should stop sneaking around and go public.
Julie: I don’t disagree. And neither does my chiropractor.

The Journey

Julie: Summer. Hi.
Summer: Julie. What a surprise. Um. Is my dad here?
Julie: No, I don’t think he is. You are probably wondering how I let myself in here… You know, it’s really um, a funny story. Kind of, heh, it’s absurd actually.
Summer: I know.
Julie: Excuse me?
Summer: I know about you and my dad. Your private hanky panky. Your driving range smooching. I know.
Julie: Oh, Summer. We were going to tell you.
Summer: When? Before or after you went on the cruise?
Julie: What cruise? Summer shows her the tickets. A lover’s cruise to Cabo? And it leaves tomorrow night. Wow, I didn’t know anything about this, Summer. I guess Neil wanted to surprise me. And it’s first class! Oh my gosh, what a gentleman.
Summer: Oh he’s gonna surprise you alright. Did you know that he proposed to his last two wives on cruises?
Julie: What?
Summer: Look, I got nothing against you. In theory. But my dad just got out of a marriage and I don’t want him rushing back into another.
Julie: Oh, Summer. I totally understand. We are nowhere near close to getting engaged. Trust me.
Summer: Serious?
Summer: Yes, of course.
Julie: Does Marissa know about this?
Summer: Not yet.
Julie: Well I guess I better tell her then, hm? And buy me a new bikini.
Summer to no one in particular: Awkward.

Julie: You know, the short stack really is the perfect amount.
Marissa: Look, mom, this is great and everything—
Julie: Okay, I’m sorry. I’ll stop stalling. The truth is I asked you to breakfast for a reason. For the past few months I’ve been seeing Neil Roberts.
Marissa: Dr. Roberts? Wait, what have you had done?

Marissa: Summer’s like my best friend. So don’t… do anything.
Julie: Okay. Whatever that means.

The Undertow


The Secrets and Lies

Julie: Vominos, por favor.
Housekeeper: I’m from the Phillipines.

Summer: You may be Mrs. Cooper-Nichol-Cooper-Roberts, but if you make my dad happy—
Neil: Which she does.
Julie: I do.
Summer: Then I’m happy.

Neil: Hey. You okay?
Julie: Please, I just— I can’t do this right now.
Neil: Do what?
Julie: Sit here and be tested as wife/mother material while I’m worried about my daughter’s future. I get it, okay? It’s not what you expected. I failed. Fine. But right now I need to think about Marissa.
Neil: Julie, I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like you were being tested. I— I was wrong. And you’ve hardly failed. I think Marissa is very lucky to have you as her mom.
Summer: Hey, guys. We’re going to the party.
Marissa: Bye Mom, bye Dr. Roberts.
Neil: See what I mean.

Julie: Actually Summer, the only thing I’m worried about is my daughter.
Summer: Yeah, me too.

The Day After Tomorrow

Julie: Listen, Summer. How worried do I need to be about her?
Summer: I don’t know. She’s not exactly confiding in me right now.

Neil: Hey. You okay?
Julie: Please, I just— I can’t do this right now.
Neil: Do what?
Julie: Sit here and be tested as wife/mother material while I’m worried about my daughter’s future. I get it, okay? It’s not what you expected. I failed. Fine. But right now I need to think about Marissa.
Neil: Julie, I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like you were being tested. I— I was wrong. And you’ve hardly failed. I think Marissa is very lucky to have you as her mom.
Summer: Hey, guys. We’re going to the party.
Marissa: Bye Mom, bye Dr. Roberts.
Neil: See what I mean.

The Dawn Patrol

Julie: Keep that grimey paw away from me. Unless you wanna see what ten years of cardiobar can do to your face.

Julie: Listen up, Tommy Lee. You’re just the latest in a series of experiments my daughter likes to make when acting out. So enjoy it. Because right here, right now is as good as it gets for you. Soon Marissa’s gonna wake up and realize she is so much better than you and your life.
Volchok: You think she’s gonna come running back to you.
Julie: Marissa knows that I will be there for her whenever she decides to come home because I am her family. Not some punk with a smirk, three brain cells, and a good coke connection. You tell her that.

The College Try

Julie: Marissa, honey, you know it’s not too late to go with you. I promise I won’t embarrass you. I can pretend to be part of your entourage. Or your Scientology guide.
Marissa: Mom, you don’t have to worry, okay?
Julie: Kids go crazy at college. You’ve seen Girls Gone Wild.
Marissa: Yeah, I lived it. Not the topless part.

Julie: Okay, did a priest just break in here and perform an exorcism?
Neil: I don’t know, but she’s definitely out of the woods.

Neil: Honey, I don’t get it. You throw all of these parties with the dating service.
Julie: Well, I have Kirsten then. She’s my wing woman.
Neil: So invite Kirsten. And Sandy. He can network with the doctors and she can… wing woman.

Julie: Ever since Caleb died, the only way I’ve been able to navigate through these Newpsie-infested waters is with you by my side.

Kirsten: I’d like to propose a toast. To Sandy Cohen. Who has told me countless times over the past year how important this hospital is to him.
Julie to Neil: Ouch.
Kirsten: You know, they say that when you grow up you marry your father. I thought I’d escaped that.

The Party Favor

Kirsten: Julie, last week at dinner I had a drink.
Julie: What? Oh my god.
Kirsten: Now it was the first in eleven months, it was only one glass, and I’ve been going to AA meetings every day. But it happened.
Julie: Have you talked to Sandy about this?
Kirsten: No. I tried before. I could feel it coming.
Julie: Kirsten, you have to tell him.
Kirsten: That the stress of our marriage has triggered my drinking?
Julie: Yes. That’s exactly what you say.
Kirsten: I am not going to use my alcoholism to save our marriage. If he can’t value it for what it is, then what is the point?
Julie: Then what are you going to do?
Kirsten: I don’t know.

The Man of the Year

Julie: Of course. We’ll be there. Bye, Kiks.
Neil: Hey, good news?
Julie: Yes! Sandy Cohen has just been named Newport’s Man of the Year. There’s a party for him tomorrow night at the yacht club.
Neil: Well, that oughta be interesting.

Julie: Speaking as someone who’s had to manage more than her share of scandal, you need to contain this ASAP.
Kirsten: Julie, I appreciate the heads up. Sandy’s gonna take this really hard.
Julie: Sandy knows. Neil told him at dinner last night.

Neil: It feels like a conflict of interest. I may have to testify against the man. I’m sure they’ll understand.
Julie: Well I don’t. The Cohens are like family, Neil.
Neil: Well they’re about to become the black sheep.
Julie: Well I don’t know about you, but I support the people I care about. I don’t judge them. I’ll call a cab.

Julie: You changed your mind.
Neil: No, you changed my mind. You’re a very passionate woman. And surprisingly principled.
Julie: I’d like to think so.
Neil: If you feel so strongly about family, how could I not want to be a part of yours?

The Graduates

Neil: That’s really nice of her to come home to support her sister.
Julie clearly not trusting motives: Yeah. Really nice.

Julie: I just want you to know, everything I ever didgood, bad or otherwise—I did it for you. So that you could have a better life than I had. And I know I wasn’t perfect. I mean, the thing with Luke, and, trying to frame Ryan for attempted homicide, I—
Marissa: Mom, I love you. Just know that.
Julie: Oh, sweetheart. That’s all I wanted. I love you too.