Season 1

Pilot

1986
Santa Barbara, CA

Henry Spencer (Corbin Bernsen): How many hats?
Young Shawn (Josh Hayden): Come on, Dad!
Henry: Shawn, you want a piece of cake. How many hats are in the room?
Young Shawn: Does a beanie count?
Henry: What do you think?
Young Shawn: Three.
Henry: Describe them.
Young Shawn: That’s not fair!
Henry: Time’s almost up, Shawn.

Waitress: That’s amazing.
Henry: It’s adequate. Get him his cake.
Waitress: I guess I know what you’re going to be when you grow up.
Young Shawn: Oh. I’m never going to grow up, ma’am.

2006
…still Santa Barbara

Shawn: Hey Dad.
Henry: Shawn.
Shawn: You didn’t tell me you moved back.
Henry: You didn’t tell me you moved away.
Shawn: That was different.
Henry: Was it?
Shawn: Yeah, I was busy trying to help my mom through her divorce.
Henry: Well it’s nice to see you too, son.

Henry: When I was in the department there were two things I hated in this world: private investigators. And psychics. Congratulations, kid. You just hit the disappoint exacta.

Henry: Shawn, this is just like everything else. Three months from now, you’re going to be on a bus going to Minneapolis because you found your calling in life as a weatherman.
Shawn: It’s not like that this time.

Shawn: I’m not soft. I’m sharper than I’ve ever been.
Henry: Close your eyes.
Shawn: No way. I’m not seven—
Henry: Close your eyes. Any longer, I’ll think you’re cheating.

Henry: Shawn, you want my advice. Go out, get yourself a real job. Grow up. And in the meantime you might want to ask yourself who you’re trusting in this case that maybe you shouldn’t. Because obviously you’re overlooking somebody.

Henry: So are you going to continue with this little charade?
Shawn: Well it sort of gives me carte blanche, you know? I can work cases for the department, I can do private jobs. In fact I’ve already got another case.
Henry: Be aware. This is the last time I cover for you, pal. I’m not okay with this, Shawn. Any of it. {Shawn notices his press clipping}
Shawn: I don’t expect you to be, Dad.

Spellingg Bee

1989

Present Day

Shawn: What the hell are you doing?
Henry: I’m gonna help you.
Shawn: You’ve never helped me before ever.
Henry: You’ve never asked.

Shawn: I did all that for nothing?
Henry: Nothing? Shawn you’ve never completed anything in your life. Now you have.

Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Piece

1985

Young Shawn (Liam James): But we’re just playing.
Henry: Well play right, Shawn. Or don’t play at all.

Woman Seeking Dead Husband: Smokers Okay, No Pets

1989

Young Shawn: How long do we have to wait?
Henry: Until we catch our bad guy.
Young Shawn: Can I sleep?
Henry: You can’t sleep on a stake out, Shawn.

9 Lives

1985

Henry: Where’s the ring?
Young Shawn: At the bottom. Now I gotta eat the whole box.
Henry: And where’s the ring now?
Young Shawn: At the top.
Henry: Right. See sometimes Shawn, you don’t have to dig so deep. All you gotta do is turn something upside down to make it right-side up and then… you get your prize.
Young Shawn: Thanks, Dad!

Weekend Warriors

1986

Henry: For every action there is an opposite and equal reaction.” Who?
Young Gus: Isaac Newton. Third law of motion.
Henry: And how does that apply to the nature of man? Anyone. Shawn?
Young Shawn: You push, they push back.
Henry: Correct. Why?
Shawn: Because “man is a stupid creature who would rather fight than use its brain.”
Henry: And what idiot said that?
Shawn and Gus: You did.

Present Day

Griffin Mahoney (Peter Michael Goetz): The inscription. What would you like it to say?
Henry: “Shawn, Don’t lose this watch. Henry Spencer.”
Mahoney: Spencer?
Henry: What? Too much?
Mahoney: No no. Just that your son is no doubt familiar with your last name.

Who Ya Gonna Call?

1986

Henry: You can’t run away from the bad guys forever, Shawn. Eventually you gotta come up with a new approach
Young Shawn: So?
Henry: So. Find one.

Henry: Not bad. You faced your fears, you got a new result, and you came out ahead. Did you really memorize those test answers.
Young Shawn: Yeah. {Henry picks up the phone} Who’re you calling?
Henry: Your math teacher.

Present Day

Shawn vs. the Red Phantom

1986

Henry: Where’d these comics come from? Gus, right? Come here. Well at least you’re not a tattle tale.
Young Shawn: What’s the big deal? All the kids read them.
Henry: Well, all the kids don’t live in this house and all the kids don’t have a police officer as a father, Shawn.
Young Shawn: So what?
Henry: So these things make cops look like idiots who would rather flash a signal in the sky than do real police work. They set a bad example.
Young Shawn: They do not!
Henry: Shawn, don’t argue with me.

Henry: Shawn, these things are a fantasy. Real heroes do not wear a cape and they don’t wear their underwear on the outside. The guys who wear capes? They’re on angel dust.

Present Day

Forget Me Not

1986

Present Day

Shawn: Dad, this guy’s your friend. He came to me for help.
Henry: Shawn, leave him be. He doesn’t need your help to make him look like an old fool. He deserves better than that.

Shawn: He was mauled by a mountain lion. You don’t find it the least bit coincidental?
Henry: Of course it’s coincidental, Shawn. But it doesn’t make it murder.
Shawn: No, it makes it an episode of When Animals Attack: Santa Barbara.

Henry! Henry, tell them who I am!
Gus: I think he’s talking to you.
Shawn: Oh god. Please tell me I don’t look like my father.
Gus: You could be his twin.
Shawn: Look at the back of my head. Is my hair starting to thin at all?

From the Earth to Starbucks

1985

Present Day

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not, He Loves Me, Oops He’s Dead

1985

Henry: What’s the name of this kid who hit you?
Young Shawn: Elizabeth.
Henry: Who? You got in a fight with a girl?
Young Shawn: Well it wasn’t really a fight. She just punched me.
Henry: Why in the world would she punch you? What happened?
Young Shawn: She asked me to sit next to her at lunch and I did. And then I was eating my tater tots and she just punched me.
Henry: Wait a second, wait a second. What was she doing while you were eating your tater tots?
Young Shawn: I don’t know. She was talking about something.
Henry: What? What was she talking about?
Young Shawn: I have no idea. Just on and on. And I was concentrating on my tater tots.
Henry: Well I’ll be damned. Son, I know what happened. You just had your first date.

Present Day

Shawn: Dad, what are you doing here?
Henry: The real question is, what are you doing here?
Shawn: Well, George Hamilton, we’re on a case.

Shawn: Where are they?
Henry: Who?
Shawn: The Queer Eye guys. I know they’re here somewhere. Gus, what are their names?
Gus: How am I supposed to know, Shawn?
Henry: Carson and Jai. And the guy with the glasses.
Gus: Who cooks the fish.
Henry: Right.

Cloudy, Chance of Murder

1985

Young Shawn: Dad, why do those people get better seats than us?
Henry: Shawn, those people aren’t just watching the trial. Those people are the trial. They’re the jurors. And they are the most important people in this room.

Present Day

Shawn: You will do anything you can to impose your will on me. You hated that bike. You have always hated that bike! And you’ve been especially hard-assed about it since I—
Henry: Since you what, Shawn? Since you what, since you had your accident? Is that where your old man crossed line fine? I’ll tell you what, I will back off. I’m gonna lay off it. I’ll tell you what you do. You take me off your call list the next time the ambulance picks you up and brings you in that door. All right? Fair. Get over yourself, kid. Or at least learn how to park.

Game, Set… Muuurder?

1985

Henry: You both know that I have a partner on the force, right?
Young Gus and Shawn: Yes sir.
Henry: Well we couldn’t do our job if we didn’t trust each other completely. There are rules to our partnership and they are the same rules to our friendship. Even Battleship. But those rules don’t work without what?
Young Gus and Shawn: Trust sir.

Present Day

Henry: Now let’s go to the second crime scene. To the apartment where she was found.
Shawn: Can we stop and get donuts?
Henry: Shawn. Focus.

Poker? I Barely Know Her

1985

Henry: No more poker, no more gambling. You’re too young.
Young Shawn: Dad, I don’t gamble. I win.
Henry: You win? Oh. And approximately how often do you lose?
Young Shawn: I don’t know.
Henry: You don’t know.
Young Shawn: Well I haven’t lost yet.

Henry: Son, listen to me. Just because you can do something doesn’t mean that you should.

Henry: No matter how good you think you there’s always somebody who’s better. And there’s one rule in gambling: the house always wins. Eventually.

Present Day

Shawn: Oh my god. Dad. What are you doing here?
Henry: Nice. Is that the way you greet all the people that come through your door?
Shawn: That’s exactly how I greet everyone. Maybe that’s why business is down.

Shawn: Believe it or not we have an eleven o’clock. So maybe we should wrap this up.
Henry: It’s a little too late for that, Shawn. I am your eleven o’clock.

Henry: If I had known that Peterson was going to insist on hiring you, I would have blasted your character outright and I would have mentioned your unnatural fear of pointy things.
Shawn: Ah! Distaste for pointy things.
Henry: Please. Just do me this one favor. would you listen to the man’s story. Tell him you can’t help and send him to the cops. And whatever you do, don’t do it with all that rolling your eyes around and all that… floppy crap.
Shawn: First of all, I don’t flop around all the time. My game is predicated on finesse.

Scary Sherry: Bianca’s Toast

Halloween Night, 1987

Young Gus: Well can I eat my candy?
Henry: Yeah. Knock yourself out, Lando. As long as your old man doesn’t mind his nine-year-old son passing razor blades.

Exactly Twenty Years Later… Give or Take Ten Minutes

Shawn: It hits a little close to home seeing as we were there the first time it happened.
Henry: The first time what happened? Did you open your eyes?
Shawn: Dad, you’ve known me my whole life. Of course I opened my eyes.

Henry: And you guys, you’ve been freaked out about this your entire life?
Gus: I don’t even drive by that place. {Henry starts laughing}
Shawn: I really don’t think it’s funny. It was a very scary thing for two young boys. Certainly puts a new spin on the nanny in The Omen.
Gus: You know that’s right.
Henry: Shawn, how much did you two see?
Shawn: We didn’t actually see “it”.
Gus: Luckily he missed the grisly bitter end.
Henry: Luckily?
Gus: Yes, luckily. I covered his eyes, but we know what happened.
Henry: I beg to differ. I think you two missed one very small but important detail. She never jumped. {he starts laughing again}
Shawn: What? No. No, no no no. That’s impossible. We saw the window. She was gone.
Henry: Yeah. Because one off-duty police officer pulled her back inside. Scary Sherry Craddock was rehabilitated. I’m pretty sure that she’s married and living in Fresno. Come on, guys. Give me some more credit here. I have no idea how that ridiculous urban legend got started in the first place.