Season 4

Extradition: British Columbia

1989

Henry Spencer (Corbin Bernsen): That was your teacher. Apparently you’re the only one in class who didn’t turn in his art assignment. So there’s going to be an empty space on the wall at open house tonight.
Young Shawn (Liam James): Actually Dad, I’m pretty sure I did finish it. Sounds to me like it was stolen.
Henry: Oh, so somebody breaks into the school and the only thing they steal is your painting. And why is that?
Young Shawn: Because it’s the perfect crime.
Henry: Sit. {he sits} Shawn, there is no such thing as the perfect crime. We leave in forty-five minutes. Make something pretty.

Present Day

Henry: The only way it’s close is if you make it look like the perfect crime.

He Dead

1989

Henry: Wow. A hundred and fifty degree temperature.
Young Shawn: I’m probably too sick to go to Jim and [?]’s house. You better call and cancel.
Henry: Yeah, right after that I’ll call the coroner. A hundred and fity degree temperature, you’re a dead man walking.
Young Shawn: I am?
Henry: Yeah. I give you five, ten minutes to live. Tops. The good news is this happened soon enough for your mother and I to start over again. Maybe this time we’ll have a girl.
Young Shawn: How’d you know I was faking?
Henry: Well Shawn, your first mistake was sticking the thermometer in boiling water.

Henry: Shawn, there’s something weird about every family. That’s what makes America great.

 

High Noon-ish

1989

Henry: Shawn. Why is there a giant hole in my front yard?
Young Shawn: It’s simple, Dad. Don’t get upset. The hole is my grave.
Henry: What?
Young Shawn: Gus made me dig my own grave. Then shot me and stole my boots. Only he didn’t bury me far enough and the buzzards ate my entrails.
Henry: Oh. So you were playing Cowboys and Indians, huh?
Young Shawn: Just Cowboys. Playing Indians is offensive.

Henry: Then the buzzards ate your entrails. That’s awful.
Young Shawn: Yeah. It was a tragic end to our adventure. But it’s the realism that makes it fun. If it helps, Gus ended up getting hung by a one-eyes crooked sheriff.

Henry: Hey, Shawn, I’ve got a game for you. It’s called Get Your Butt In My Yard and Fill in That Hole Now. It’s the realism that makes that fun, too.

The Devil’s in the Details… and the Upstairs Bedroom

1989

Henry: Shawn, I think you’re getting a little too hung up on details.
Young Shawn: Really? You always taught me that details are everything in life.
Henry: You’re missing the point, son.

Present Day

Henry: Let me guess: relationship troubles.
Shawn: Yeah. I hate when we fight.
Henry: I’m sure she feels the same way.
Shawn: I’m not talking about Abigail. I mean Gus.
Henry: So am I.

Shawn: Oh, this is sad. You haven’t gone to bed, have you?
Henry: I tried, but it’s this game.
It keeps calling me back. I don’t know how they do it, but it lets you feel like a cop without all the guilt after you shoot someone.

Henry: Tell him the truth. But in the most respectful way possible.
[…]
Shawn: You were wrong! Wrong wrong wrong! Wrong wrong wrong! Finger guns! *pew* Wrong! *pew* Wrong! Wrong in your weenie!
Gus: Put down the finger guns.

 

Shawn Has the Yips

1989

Henry: Ready?
Young Shawn: I was born ready, Dad.
Henry: Actually you were born breach, son. Took hours to get you out. But I appreciate the enthusiasm.

Bollywood Homicide

1989

Henry: Special girl, huh.
Young Shawn: Yeah. Kinda.
Henry: Well it’s nice to see you applying yourself. Looks like you put a lot of work into that.
Young Shawn: Thanks, Dad, but I don’t know if I’m going to send it.
Henry: Why? Why, Shawn?
Young Shawn: There are obstacles.
Henry: Obstacles! All couples have obstacles. The key to it is, you’re never gonna know unless you put yourself out there.
Young Shawn: Gus says it’ll never work.
Henry: Gus? What does Gus know? Gus is twelve. You remember at that skate party how he cried when that girl touched his arm? Gus. Come on.

Young Shawn: What do you think?
Henry: Let’s see. The heart is good. You tell her that you think she’s pretty, but not in a creepy, aggressive kind of way. I like that. You know down here I think what you want to do is I think you want to tell her that you’d like to call her sometime. Do that. It looks like you forgot to address it there. You want to write her name big and pretty. Make her think she’s important. You know how sometimes they’ll write when you do the calligraphy with big loops and swoopy letters? Do that. Do that over there.
Young Shawn: Dad, could you do it?
Henry: Yeah, sure. I guess. Alright. What’s her name.
Young Shawn: Ah. Mrs. Phillips.

 

High Top Fade-Out

1989

Young Shawn: Hey Dad, can I please get a home computer? Mrs. Phillips said it would help prepare me for the future.
Henry: Shawn, get your head out of the clouds. Those things are just another passing fade like rap music, Madonna and LA Law.

Present Day

Henry: I thought you two were wusses. You’re commandos compared to these guys.

 

Let’s Get Hairy

1989

Henry: Do you know how dense this forest is?
Gus: Dense enough for a werewolf to run amuck and swallow me like a Rollo?
Henry: Werewolves, huh?
Shawn: Yeah. Didn’t you hear that?
Henry: The mind can convince itself of almost anything when fear is involved. But fear does not exist in this dojo, does it boys? {there’s a scary noise in the woods} Okay. We’re outta here.

Present Day

Butch Zielinski (Thomas F. Wilson): You’re ruthless, Henry. You are strong of mind but mean of heart.
Henry: We reap what we sow, Zielinski. Time to pay the piper.

Shawn: Dad, are you feeling okay? You just gave up your dream machine to a guy you said you punched once in a bowling alley.
Henry: He brought a nun, Shawn. Sometimes you gotta give one up for the team.

Henry: I’m tired. I want waffles.
Gus: I could eat some waffles.
Shawn: I’m buying.
Gus: Which means I’m buying.
Shawn: You know that’s right.

Shawn Takes a Shot in the Dark

1989

Young Shawn: I’m sorry, Dad, but since when did bandanas count as hats. I was close.
Henry: Close doesn’t cut it anymore, Shawn. You’re going soft on me.
Young Shawn: You know I’m eleven, right.
Henry: This is not some bar trick, Shawn. This is about survival. Knowing how many hats are in a room may very well save your life one day. Now pay attention. Today we’re learning about worst case scenarios.

Present Day

Henry: Think you could pick up the pace, Mr. Viability?
Lassiter: There’s an excellent chance I was bitten by a tick back there.

Henry: Hold on!
Shawn: Great idea, Dad! I was thinking about not doing that.

 

You Can’t Handle This Episode

1989

Henry: What does that make you want to do when you grow up?
Young Shawn: Hm… Go into advertising? That’s a really catchy jingle. Seriously. I can’t get it out of my head.

Present Day

 

Thrill Seekers and Hell-Raisers

1989

Henry: Shawn, what in blue blazes is going on? You’re up on the roof in this weather?
Young Shawn: Nothing, Dad. Me and Gus were just practicing basejumping. It’s the newest thing in extreem sports.
Henry: Are you crazy? You could get yourself seriously hurt or maybe even killed doing something like this.
Young Shawn: Don’t worry, Dad.
We made lifesize replicas of ourselves to make sure the shoes would work.
Young Gus: Mine’s over there. We’ve made improvements since then.
Henry: Basejumping? Shawn there’s no way I’m going to let you do something that risky.
Young Shawn: But Dad!
Henry: But nothing. As long as you live in my house you follow my rules.

Young Shawn: One day I won’t be living in your house and then I’ll be able to take any risk I want. What about that?
Henry: Okay. When you and Gus are thirty years old then you can go out and be as wild and reckless as you want.

Present Day

Henry: How much have you had to drink?
Shawn: More than a little and less than a lot. But I make sense, don’t I?

 

Think Tank

1989

Henry: What are you doing?
Young Shawn: My book report.
Henry: Well how is that possible? Didn’t you just start this book like half an hour ago?
Young Shawn: Yeah. I read the flap and then the first chapter. Then I totally figured out the ending. So it’s cool.
Henry: Well how do you know that you’re right?
Young Shawn: Because you taught me how to draw conclusions.

Henry: Shawn, you know what you’re doing, don’t you?
Young Shawn: Yep. Banking a whole afternoon of video game time.
Henry: No. You’re operating on incomplete information. It’s sloppy. And one day you’re going to find yourself embarrassed by it.
Young Shawn: Dad, please. it’s pretty obvious to figure out what’s going to happen. Wilbur’s going to win the pig ribbon and he and Charlotte are going to live happily ever after.
Henry: Alright. I’ll tell you what. If you get an A on that report, I’m gonna take you to Disneyland. Good luck, kiddo.

Present Day

Henry: You’ve got to stop.
Shawn: I’ve made a pizza before. I know what I’m doing.
Henry: Shawn, you’ve got the wrong guy. He’s the only one in the world who couldn’t have possibly have done this. Did you even read the case file?
Shawn: Yeah, but it… Maybe the summary and part of the first sentence. Look, I don’t have time to read case files.

Henry: How can you rewrite history like that?
Gus: You’re talking to guy who wrote a term paper on President Mitchell.

 

The Head, the Tail, the Whole Damn Episode

1989

Henry: Jaws IV?
Young Shawn: Yes, Jaws IV. It was terrifying.
Henry: Shawn, you have to understand why I’m conflicted here. It’s very difficult to comfort you over what is the worst sequel ever made.

Young Shawn: Do I watch for the fin?
Henry: No, that’s only in the movies. You never see them coming. That’s why they’re called the Silent Killers.
Young Shawn: I thought that was hypertension.

Present Day

Henry: Did you just pretend to be a psychic? To me?
Shawn: Sorry. Force of habit.

Mr. Yin Presents…

1989

 

Present Day