Psych Burton “Gus” Guster

Season 1

2006.07.07    

Dulé Hill

Pilot

2006
…still Santa Barbara

Shawn: I have a job for you.
Burton “Gus” Guster (Dulé Hill):I already have a job.
Shawn: They’re paying you to play video games?
Gus: How do you do that?
Shawn: Come on. Left hand spacebar, right hand arrow keys. Gus. You should ask me a challenging question once in awhile just for kicks.

Shawn: So you’re not interested in hearing about doing the thing we’ve been dreaming about doing since we were eight? I’ve got us the last job we will ever need.
Gus: Shawn, you’ve had fifty-seven jobs since we left high school.
Shawn: Yes I have. And they were all fun. But this one takes the cake.
Gus: Oh yeah? Better than the acupuncture clinic?
Shawn: I didn’t realize experience was necessary.
Gus: What about the summer you spent driving the weiner mobile?
Shawn: I did that for the hot dogs.

Shawn: Look Gus, all those jobs I took because I wanted the experience. But then I mastered it and I moved on. But this job has a little bit of everything. Come with me.
Gus: Ah. No. I’m never doing anything blindly with you again. I learned that at the Mexican border. Twice.
Shawn: Okay. This is hard to explain but I’m going to give it a shot. You and I are opening our own private detective agency.
Gus: Oh. See. No explanation necessary. Let me get my coat.
Shawn: But you’re not getting your coat!
Gus: Ah, no. No, Shawn. No I’m not.

Shawn: Okay, you wanna sweat the details, fine. The cops think I’m a psychic and now we are investigating a kidnapping!
Gus: You’re serious?
Shawn: Yes! I am serious.

Shawn: Gus, let’s just be clear on one thing. The only way they can absolutely prove I’m not a psychic is if I tell them. And I can guarantee you that is the one thing I will never do.

Shawn: What are you, Lamaze breathing?
Gus: It helps. I cover a few birthing centers.
Shawn: Just let me know when the contractions are two minutes apart.

Shawn: Gus. I hate to imagine what the rest of your plan was.
Gus: How did you get in? {he shows him the key in the fake rock}
Shawn: Far less effective on a second floor landing.

Shawn: He had help.
Gus: Who?
Shawn: This guy on the end. Malcolm Orso. Only member of this crew that didn’t go on to fame or fortune. Or rehab.

Gus: Okay, let’s call the cops. No no no. Let’s call the chief. That’s what we’re going to do, call the chief. Yeah.
Shawn: No no no. No no no. Gus. Gus. We don’t call anyone.
Gus: What?
Shawn: Then later, at headquarters, I suddenly and miraculously have a vision.
Gus: A vision?
Shawn: A vision of stuff we saw. Like, ah, like the road sign with two bullet holes. Like the red kayak, the yellow kayak. And the highway. With numbers. “Oh, I’m seeing…. What am I seeing? Eight three one…”
Gus: We’re on highway 138.
Shawn: Exactly! In the spirit world things get jumbled and out of sequence!

Shawn: All right, let me do the talking.
Gus: Is there even an option.

Gus: Pardon me. Ladies. Gentlemen. {he runs out screaming}

Shawn: I just need to speak to the witnesses again.
Chief Vick: The McCallum family has been through enough. And this conversation is over.
Gus: Thank you. We parked in the parking structure. Do you validate?

Gus: Make no mistake, Shawn. I will kill you.
Shawn: Okay. I appreciate the fact that you think you can beat me up. But I think our last scuffle proves otherwise.
Gus: Are you talking about the Cinnamon Festival?
Shawn: Yes! You do remember.
Gus: Okay, first of all? I was six. And I had a cast.
Shawn: Which many would consider as a clear advantage. It’s like having a weapon attached to your arm.

Gus: It was her. You’re dating the murderer.
Shawn: Not exclusively.

Gus: Should we call the cops?
Shawn: Too late for that.
Gus: You could pretend you had a vision of a girl that totally manipulated you.

Gus: I told you it wasn’t Snausages!

Lassiter: You know, it’s times like this I remember why I love my job so much.
Gus: Any time Shawn.
Shawn: He’s getting cocky, give it a sec.

Shawn: Awesome!
Gus: Psych? As in “gotcha”?
Shawn: Or. As in “psychic”.
Gus: You named your fake detective agency Psych? Why don’t you just name it, “Hey, we’re fooling you and the police department. Hope we don’t make a mistake and someone dies because of it.”
Shawn: First of all, Gus, that name is entirely too long. It would never fit on the window. And secondly, the best way to convince people you’re not lying to them is to tell them you are.

Gus: Just for today, right?
Shawn: Absolutely.

Spellingg Bee

1989

Spell Master: Thirty seconds, Mr. Guster.
Young Gus (Isaiah Brown): A… G… G… Let me start over. Aggiornamento. A-G-G… {Shawn keeps mouthing “O”} O? {he’s out}

Present Day

Shawn: What are you watching?
Gus: Nothing.
Shawn: Dude, is that Korean porn?

Shawn: How come I can’t get you this excited about girls?
Gus: Let’s go Shawn!
Shawn: Or Mexico.

Shawn: Oh come on, dude. You’re not bored at all?
Gus: Do you know how to spell any of these words?
Shawn: Proudly. I have never heard of any of these words. I file these words under “things to say when I want to be ridiculed or kicked out of bed.”

Gus: The comfort room. This is where you go to deal with missing a word.
Shawn: Oh yeah? Where do they take you to deal with missing your entire childhood?

Gus: It teaches grace under pressure. Poise. Dignity.
Shawn: All things you can get at a hot dog eating contest. Plus: hot dogs.

Gus: You smell that?
Shawn: Dude, don’t look at me.
Gus: It’s sulfuric.
Shawn: Dude, I am not the one who had the egg salad.

Shawn: I can’t smell anything.
Gus: Well you don’t have the super smeller.
Shawn: Gus, you have got to stop calling your nose that. If you want to nickname a body part, nickname your butt, man. Call it the tight bouncer. Or the Hexagon.

Gus: Who’s the blonde?
Shawn: Lassiter’s new partner. They transferred his girlfriend.

Shawn: You know what’s wrong with this? all of this.
Gus: Shawn. You’re delirious. You’re upset. You lost control of your bike last night.
Shawn
: Gus, I didn’t lose control of anything. Someone tried to kill me or send a very serious message.

Gus: That inhaler is a fake. {Shawn starts laughing} Where are you going?
Shawn: I am going to build a doghouse.

Shawn: Give me a word.
Gus: A word?
Shawn: Yeah. Um, something hard but that you can spell.
Gus: I can spell anything.
Shawn: Except aggiornamento.

Shawn: Give me one!
Gus: No. You are not going to be Spellmaster.
Shawn: Gus, give a word so we can get out of here! We’re so close.
Producer: Everything okay?
Shawn: It’s fine. “Banana”.
Contestant 118: Can you repeat that?
Shawn: Yes. {slower} “Banana”.
Contestant 118: Definition please?
Shawn: A yellow fruit. Also: a kind of pudding. A delicious pudding.
Kid: Sentence please?
Shawn: “Anna Banana would like to hear Venus by Bananarama.” Banana.

Gus: You’re using his grocery list!
Shawn: You refused to help me. Now I gotta give them something else. “Mitchum”.
Contestant 16: Mitchum?
Shawn: Yes. “When I go to Albertson’s, I need to buy some Mitchum Ice Blast. And bananas.”

Gus: I could have won that Bee.
Shawn: Yeah, you could have. Thank the Lord you didn’t.
Gus: What is that supposed to mean?
Shawn: Come on, Gus. The guy who wins is saddled forever as the dude who won the spelling bee. I’m sure you would have dealt with it later. But kids—high school kids especially—just ruthless. Judgmental. Horrible little bastards. You wouldn’t have been able to date a cheerleader. They wouldn’t have invited you to any parties. You would have been the object of ridicule. I mean this way you got to be a smart kid and a cool kid. Best of both worlds.
Gus: That’s true. I appreciate that, Shawn.
Shawn: Yeah. Best of both worlds. That’s why I had to give you the wrong word.
Gus: You knew that was wrong?
Shawn: Come on, Gus. Aggiornamento. Everybody knew it was an “i”.

Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Piece

Present Day

Gus: What are you doing?
Shawn: Dude, I’m on to something big.
Gus: Tailing cops. In a police station?
Shawn: Some monumentally expensive ring just got stolen. I’m gonna get us onto the case.

Shawn: Look. She’s faking her own signature and later there’s evidence that— {Gus smacks his elbow} I feel it. In the ink. Very bad vibes. Strong, squidish vibes.
Chief Vick: I’ll check it out.

Gus: Fantastic. I can’t even have an imaginary boy cat.
Shawn: Gus. A boy cat wouldn’t serve my purposes nearly as well. The next time I need you, Pickles is having kittens.
Gus: Pickles?
Shawn: Mrs. Pickles is her full name. Though I’m not actually sure cats can marry outside of Boston.

Gus: In a related issue, I’m blocking your number on all the phones in the office.
Shawn: If you think that’ll work, I think it’s endearing.

Shawn: Isn’t it kind of weird how the body’s just shoved in here?
Gus: No! What’s weird is there’s a dead guy in a dumbwaiter and we’re standing here staring at it where somebody can find us.

Gus: I just got a lap dance from Patrick Swayze.
Shawn: What do you mean, like an impersonator?
Gus: No! I think it was actually Patrick Swayze.

Shawn: Woah woah woah. She’s running? In those heels? really?
Gus: What we have to chase her too?

Gus: You are not going to be my best man.
Shawn: You bet your ass I am. I’ve already picked out which sing I’m singing at the altar.
Gus: Really?
Shawn: You still like Ted Nugent?

Woman Seeking Dead Husband: Smokers Okay, No Pets

Present Day

Shawn: Gus, have you tried this chair? It’s a pregnancy chair. We have to get one for the office immediately. My birthing canal has never felt so aligned.

Raylene Wilcroft: I have to admit, when I met you at the police station I was intrigued. So I checked your recent track record. It’s amazing. Really.
Gus: It’s a team effort.
Shawn: Not really. I do most of the work.

Gus: Shawn, I don’t know how to break this to you, but you are not psychic.
Shawn: Clue me in on the problem here?
Gus: It’s a big problem when the job requires extensive conversing with the dead.
Shawn: Gus, what is the question that she wants answered? “Where is the money?” Right? That doesn’t require any actual dead guy chit chat. We simply trace his last steps, do a little research and bingo!
Gus: Stop saying “Bingo”. You know how I hate that.
Shawn: Okay fine. Yahtzee.
Gus: We’re not doing it, Shawn.
Shawn: Mahjong?

Shawn: Gus, there are no rules against having a séance. Anyone can have one. It’s like a garage sale or plastic surgery.

Gus: I like the other girl better.
Shawn: Not me.

Shawn: While we’re here we should do some digging.
Gus: Good idea. Why don’t you dig me getting the hell out of here and going to get some sleep.
Shawn: I set you up for that! Lobbed it right over the plate.

Shawn: Okay, what is this thing you have with women in jeopardy. They have a name for this, you know. It’s called the Stockholm Syndrome.
Gus: No, it’s not.
Shawn: Florence Nightingale’s Disease?
Gus: Are you trying to be funny?

Shawn: Nobody’s home.
Gus: Somebody’s here.
Shawn: What, you can see through doors now? That’s the new thing?

Shanks: Okay, we’re going to try this one more time. {he moves in front of Gus} Now, how many fingers? {Gus motions “three”}
Shawn: Dude. You need to stop picking three.

Gus: How did you know the money was in the crypt?
Shawn: I’m bluffing.
Gus: This is not a good time to bluff.
It’s a great time. She was going to kill us.

Gus: He does have nice hair.
Shawn: Yeah. That takes a lot of upkeep though.

9 Lives

Present Day

Shawn: Look, I don’t car what Lassiter says. The cat is not my new partner, Gus. Don’t be ridiculous.
Gus: Then tell me again why the cat gets to ride shotgun.
Shawn: He gets car sick.

Shawn has an elaborate flow chart
Gus: What does this mean?
Shawn: I have no idea, but I see it on Numbers all the time and it seems to work.

Gus: Are you out of your mind? You rented office space for this?
Shawn: Gus. Don’t be a crazy hooligan. I rented a sign.

Gus: I have no idea what I’d even say.
Shawn: Here’s an opener: “My name is Gus. I have a deep-seated jealousy for a tiny little boy cat.”

Weekend Warriors

1986

Henry: For every action there is an opposite and equal reaction.” Who?
Young Gus: Isaac Newton. Third law of motion.
Henry: And how does that apply to the nature of man? Anyone. Shawn?
Young Shawn: You push, they push back.
Henry: Correct. Why?
Shawn: Because “man is a stupid creature who would rather fight than use its brain.”
Henry: And what idiot said that?
Shawn and Gus: You did.

Present Day

Gus: Is that Lassiter?
Shawn: Yes it is.
Gus: What died on his face?

Elaine: Mr. Guster, I know you said you didn’t want to be interrupted, but there’s a Lieutenant Crunch here to see you.
Gus: Crunch?
Shawn: Actually I’ve been promoted. It’s Captain Crunch.

Shawn: Gus, think about it. Camping out under the stars. Living history. Eating beans and rotten meat with men who reek of valor!
Gus: There’s just one thing you considered in this perfect scenario of yours, Shawn.
Shawn: That’s not true. I’ve considered everything.
Gus: Really? And what role would I play in this production of yours?
Shawn: What? I don’t…
Gus: What role would I play
the midst of all those hard core, down-to-the-last-detail Civil War reenactors? Would I be…
Shawn: No. Gus. No.

Shawn: I was thinking Glory. I was thinking Denzel.
Gus: Did you just say Denzel? As in Denzel Washington?
Shawn: No. The other Denzel. Of course!

Gus: Are you sure there’s not a better uniform?
Sally Reynolds (Claire Coffee): Yeah, but I’m checking with the Ventura association. Personally I think you look dashing. I always loved the marching band.

Shawn: Dude, the police accounted for all the Union soldiers, but nobody’s considered that the murderer could have come from this side. I mean after all, this was the bad side, right?
Gus: You know that’s right.

Shawn: Wait. This doesn’t track. Why kill Sally? She’s hot. They’re friends. She even wrote his insurance policy— {there’s an explosion outside}.
Gus: That was C-4.
Shawn: That didn’t come from the battlefield, it came from the south. I solved the crime!
Gus: No I did!
Shawn: I said it first!
Gus: I solved it five minutes ago!
Shawn: I found the button near the tree. I solved it first. Tap tap, no take backs.

Who Ya Gonna Call?

Present Day

Gus: You contacted a temp agency without consulting me?
Shawn: Gus, anyone can get a secretary from a temp agency. It takes real foresight and creativity to get one from a modeling agency.

Shawn: Mr. Duncan—Robert. How can we help you and can I call you Bob?
Robert Dunne (Frank Whaley): This is difficult.
Shawn: Take your time. We’re here. Come on.
Robert: I’m just going to say it. I’m being haunted!
Gus: Haunted?

Robert: Whatever this thing is it followed me all the way from San Francisco.
Gus: Maybe it likes you.
Robert: I don’t think so.
Gus: What makes you say that?
Robert: I think it tried to kill me.

Shawn: You only forgot one thing.
Gus: Really? What?
Shawn: There’s no such thing as ghosts.

Gus: You got the floor.
Shawn: Aw, we’ll make it work. You don’t mind if I nude-up for the sleep over, right?

Gus: Why are you looking at me like that?
Shawn: That’s all you did? Check the doors and windows?
Gus: Yeah, why? {Shawn dabs the lipstick off his forehead} Where did that come from?
Shawn: Don’t look at me. I don’t wear lipstick.

Shawn: Good morning, detectives! Collecting donations for the Policeman’s Ball?
Gus: We don’t have balls.
Shawn: I honestly have no response to that.

Gus: What happened?
Shawn: I might have dropped six allergy pills in your frosty will you were peeing.
Gus: You did what? Where are we?
Shawn: Palo Alto!

Gus: Don’t touch that! It’s blood.
Shawn: It’s not blood.
Gus: Enjoy your hepatitis.
Shawn: —And this tortured soul might be less tortured with a latex enamel. He wouldn’t get these messy drips.

Shawn: Unless he has that personality thing.
Gus: What personality thing?
Shawn: Oh, you know what I’m talking about. The multiple personality disease. You know, that whats-her-name had. The Flying Nun and the other thing… ah… on TV.
Shawn: Smokey and the Bandit?
Gus: Yeah, dude. Smokey and the Bandit. Yes.

Gus: Is it in Norma Rae?
Shawn: No. That would have made that movie a lot cooler.

Shawn: Unless you’re going to ask her out, I think we’re done here. How do we get Robert back?
Gus: I have no idea.
Shawn: But you’re her very special friend.

Shawn: Gus. You know I can’t fire people. They look too sad.
Gus: This was your idea, figure it out.

Shawn vs. the Red Phantom

Present Day

Gus: How does some eighteen-year-old kid still living at home rate that kind of money?
Shawn: Lemonade stand? That is if, instead of lemons, he’s using heroin.

Shawn: Okay. Okay, I’ll bite. Chocolate Columbo. Where is he?
Gus: Tri Con.
Shawn: What?
Gus: Tri Con. The Triannual Comic Book and Science Fiction Convention is in Santa Barbara this weekend.

Shawn: This place is trashed.
Gus: Maybe Johnny Depp stopped by.
Shawn: I’m sorry, did that joke just arrive in a time machine from 1992?
Gus: He used to trash hotel rooms.
Shawn: Used to. The man has kids now and lives in France.
Gus: You got a better version?
Shawn: Of course I do. How about that lame-o that’s dating Kate Moss.
Gus: He’s British and nobody knows who he is.
Shawn: Okay, fine. Too inside. Stephen Dorff. Always solid.

Shawn: Hi. Missing kid, worried mom. Can we get serious here?
Gus: Since when did you get so structured?
Shawn: Since you turned into Urkel and you just became… Jan Brady… Tina Yothers… There’s not, there’s not an exact match for that.

Shawn: I got a date with that Talia girl from the studio in like an hour. A nice romantic walk on the beach to Jim’s. Best scungilli in Santa Barbara.
Gus: Why couldn’t you just talk to her now?
Shawn: Because, Gus, Happy Hour doesn’t start until five.

Gus: Why did you blame that on me?
Shawn: Dude, we needed a fall guy.
Gus: A can’t be a fall guy in front of one of my heroes, Shawn.
Shawn: Okay, you and I need to create a third imaginary assistant that’s completely incompetent. I think her name should be Beatrice. What say you?

Gus: What? What’s happening?
Shawn: Karaoke with George later.

Gus: This is messed up.
Shawn: No, this is messed up. This isn’t a churro.
Gus: I don’t know what this is.

Shawn: Judgment Day? It sounds bad. That’s like the day you get judged.
Gus: In T2 it’s the end of man kind. Though I doubt our kidnapper has first-strike nuclear capabilities.

Forget Me Not

Present Day

Shawn: Woah woah woah. Okay okay. If we’re gonna do the lip reading game we have to say things that are remotely believable.
Gus: I am.
Shawn: Abs like Bruce Lee?

Mr. Connors: Look at you fellahs all grown up. How long’s it been?
Shawn: About a day.
Gus: Less, actually.

Trish: Amazing.
Gus: What?
Trish: The way that he’s sitting there so quiet. I mean in high school he was always so loud and needed attention constantly, and needed to be noticed. And he just would not shut up. He was so annoying, drove me nuts. But now. I mean look at him. So calm, so unobtrusive. The way he just let you step in and take over like that. I think he’s really matured.
Gus: Yeah. Yeah. He has.

Shawn seeing the mountain lion: Simba! I am your father.
Gus: I don’t think Mufasa said that.
Shawn: Mufasa. Vader. I’m Not Rappaport. It’s all James Earl Jones.
Gus: I’m Not Rappaport was Ossie Davis.
Shawn: It still works.

Gus: What are you doing? We don’t know anything about delivering warthog babies.
Shawn: Ah, babies are babies. You just pull it out at the right time. The real question is: are you allergic to placenta?

Shawn: Mike’s body was found on this trail.
Gus: It’s closed. Now what?
Shawn: Just hold on, let me think a minute. Okay. I have a plan It’s a little crazy, but it might just work.
Gus: What? {Shawn steps over the low-hanging TRAIL CLOSED sign}
Shawn: Dude! We totally made it! We’re in!
Gus: Shawn, in case you’re confused, closed means go away. Stay out.
Shawn: Yes. In the negative language dictionary which is clearly the only version you own. But in the positive language edition, closed means “Come in. Step over the chain. There’s so many less people to trample all over what you’re looking for.”

Shawn: Gus you know what this means?
Gus: The murder didn’t happen here.
Shawn: Exactly. This cat was framed.
Ranger Desoto: I guess you guys can’t read. This area is closed.

Mr. Connors: Henry! Henry, tell them who I am!
Gus: I think he’s talking to you.
Shawn: Oh god. Please tell me I don’t look like my father.
Gus: You could be his twin.
Shawn: Look at the back of my head. Is my hair starting to thin at all?

Gus: We need a plan. I don’t think we can exactly just ring the buzzer and ask to peek into Mr. Crocker’s medicine cabinet.
Shawn: Why not? That sounds perfectly reasonable to me. Why can’t we be from the State Board of Medicine Cabinet Inspectors?
Gus: I don’t know, Shawn. I know I’m right on this one. Let’s think this through.
Shawn: Oh Gus, come on. Let’s go in without a plan, flying by the seat of our pants. It’ll be so much more fun. Trust me.

Gus: You really want me to believe that you put your foot in your mouth deliberately? Please.

From the Earth to Starbucks

1985

 

Present Day

 

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not, He Loves Me, Oops He’s Dead

Present Day

Fred Turk: Who is that person over there? Because he’s really making me uncomfortable?
Gus: I’m making you uncomfortable right now? Dude. Is there any reason why you’re not wearing any clothes now?
Fred Turk: Hey, I think I might have been abducted, all right? I believe I might have been experimented on! So there’s no way I’m going to touch these clothes and compromise evidence.
Shawn: Okay! Okay, Mr. Turk. Please. Try to get control of your considerable person. Why don’t you cover up with the towel. That’s why it’s there. One size fits all. I hope.

Gus: Are you really going to dismiss the idea that there’s life on other planets?
Shawn: This is what I got. I know he was dragged out there. Otherwise no sign of assault, nothing taken. Other than the embarrassment of waking up naked in a field, we’ve got nothing to hang our hats on. {He glances at the front page photo of a naked Fred}. I guess technically we could’ve hung our hats on it…

Shawn: Where are they?
Henry: Who?
Shawn: The Queer Eye guys. I know they’re here somewhere. Gus, what are their names?
Gus: How am I supposed to know, Shawn?
Henry: Carson and Jai. And the guy with the glasses.
Gus: Who cooks the fish.
Henry: Right.

Gus: I think we should get Turk and Keiser in the same room and actually ask them some questions.
Shawn: Fine. Let’s do it. The rule is All slacks, all the time. No exceptions.
Gus: I hear that. I’ve reached my naked man quota for the year.

Shawn: Dude, give me some props. He’s got a hat with a buckle on it, everything’s green.
Gus: What? He’s not a leprechaun.
Shawn to Marvin: Will you do me a favor? In your funny accent will you say magically delicious?

Chief Vick: Let me get this straight. There is a dead body and a murderer loose in our city and you want the Santa Barbara police department to pay for you to go on dates?
Gus: Yes, that’s correct.
Shawn: I mean, I suppose we could split it if we had to. What’s that called? Going, going “deutsche”?

Lorraine: Love is in the air! I can smell it!
Gus to Shawn: I smell cabbage.

Shawn: I think these people might have more luck dating if they’d ask more interesting questions.
Gus: I just hope I don’t get pile-driven.

Gus: Shawn, if you think it’s her let’s tell Lassiter and Juliet and get them to bring her in.
Shawn: You see what happens when we blurt out our theories. We totally whiffed on the tanning salon.

Gus: She keeps wanting to rub my head. What’s up with that?
Shawn: Gus. Everybody wants to run your head.

Gus: Shawn?
Shawn: Detective O’Hara.
Gus: Shawn, what are you doing here?
Shawn: Bowling. At a high level.

Shawn: Dude. Jerk chicken.
Gus: Oh you know that’s right.

Cloudy, Chance of Murder

Present Day

Shawn: Gus, they impounded my motorcycle without warning.
Gus: I’m pretty sure the warning was the nine hundred dollars worth of parking tickets you racked up.
Shawn: Still, man. You can’t take a man’s means of transportation away. It’s like unconstitutional or something.
Gus: I’m pretty sure it’s not in the Constitution.
Shawn: Oh don’t be so sure. I think it says, “Thou shalt not something, or covet something. Don’t mess with Texas. Or the right of transportation.”

Gus: There’s a mountain of evidence against this lady. Look . They call her the School Marm Murderer.
Shawn: Okay, first of all, there’s a question mark at the end of that. They call her the School Marm Murderer?

Gus: You know I was pre-law once. I should have stuck with it.
Shawn: You were never pre-law.
Gus: Well I was pre-pre-law. Sixth grade. It was an accelerated program.

Juliet: You know, Shawn, for a psychic, you are missing something right in front of your face. It’s too bad. You might actually learn something about Lassiter maybe you don’t want to.
Shawn: He waxes his back?
Juliet: I’m going to go now. Shawn, I don’t care what anyone else says. The pink shirt is working for you.
Gus: Okay, that was cryptic.
Shawn: Not really. I’ll be damned.

Gus: She doesn’t realize she’s being taped.
Shawn: Nope. I don’t think this is his first barbeque either, if you know what I mean.

Buzz: I believe this is yours. They just pulled it from the auction.
Gus: Pulled it from the auction?
Shawn: I’ve been practicing my paddle raise. It’s a subtle move.
Buzz: Yeah, you’ve got your bike back. It was taken care of internally.
Shawn: What does that mean, “internally”?
Buzz: I don’t know. They just gave me the paperwork.
Lassiter walking out from the back: What are you looking at? Go home!

Game, Set… Muuurder?

1985

Henry: You both know that I have a partner on the force, right?
Young Gus and Shawn: Yes sir.
Henry: Well we couldn’t do our job if we didn’t trust each other completely. There are rules to our partnership and they are the same rules to our friendship. Even Battleship. But those rules don’t work without what?
Young Gus and Shawn: Trust sir.

Present Day

Shawn: That’s funny, it sounded like someone just said “sharing stick.” Dude, get out of there!
Gus: I have no choice. I hate the stupid sharing stick! But I couldn’t get out of this even if I wanted to.
Shawn: I’ve taken care of that already.

Shawn: Mr. Sirtis, the spirits can be… bashful. Sometimes grumpy. Sleepy. Dopey.
Gus: Shawn.
Shawn: Sneezy.
Gus: Shawn!
Shawn: What I’m saying is, they won’t talk to me unless no one’s in the room except myself and my compatriot.
Gus: That’s me.

Gus: Cameras in her room? Can you say control freak?
Shawn: Can you say “typical sports dad”?

Shawn: Ah yes. Jessica Chan. And how long was eternity for the two of you?
Gus: Three months. But they were awesome months. Except for the end part.
Shawn: Right. I’ve never seen a girl lie about entering the witness protection program.
Gus: She wasn’t lying, Shawn.
Shawn: Gus, I saw her at Starbucks.
Gus: You can’t be sure of that.
Shawn: She was wearing a nametag. She had a plaque on the wall. Employee of the Month. Her hobbies were hiding and lying about hiding.

Shawn: We find the mystery lover, we find her.
Gus: Dude, why don’t I ever get to say stuff like that?

Gus: This is my Airwolf windbreaker. I’ve been looking for this for like five years now. Why’d you take this? I never even seen saw you wear it!
Shawn: I didn’t take it to wear it. I took it so you wouldn’t.

Shawn: What just happened here?
Gus: I think your dad just made his first play date.

Gus: What happened here?
Juliet: This isn’t a missing persons case anymore. It’s attempted murder.
Gus: Why does she get to say stuff like that?

Shawn: I worked on the mono-theo-huxtable drug. It’s for pancake-reatic function.
Gus: Pancreatic.
Shawn: Actually, no. Burton. It was pancake.
Gus: Really?
Shawn: Yes. There are properties in the batter that help to stabilize the ions we were working with.
Woman: I never heard of that project.
Shawn: It was a great drug. But it caused headaches. Stomaches. Toothaches. Weight gain, weight loss. Balding. Severe oily bowel discharge. And in very rare cases it made you pee fire.
Tom: Wow.

Shawn: Given what we already know, does she know her attacker?
Gus: Yes.
Shawn: Does that mean when she wakes up she can ID him?
Gus: She ID’s him and the case is closed. Where’s the downside?
Shawn: Except for the bad guy would know the victim can wake up and point the finger at him. {Gus stops him}
Gus dramatically: He’ll find her and finish her off.
Shawn: You’re just not landing it.

Tom: Why was an eighty-seven-year-old woman with a broken hip attending a line dancing class?
Gus: Attending it? She was teaching it.

Shawn: Gus, what time do you have?
Gus: Where’s your watch at?
Shawn: It’s a key tanning month.

Shawn: You know what? I’m starting to wonder if you have serious trust issues with me.
Gus: Really?
Shawn: Yes! First you wouldn’t do the minefield. Now you won’t lay on the floor and pretend to be an unconscious woman—for me. What’s going on with you?
Gus: Two words. Airwolf windbreaker.
Shawn: Okay. Two more. Airwolf windbreaker.
Gus: Battleship.
Shawn: Dude, that was like a million years ago.
Gus: I’m just saying.
Shawn: I never cheated again.

Shawn: Now the landlord’s statement said the body was here in a supine position. So. Please. If you will.
Gus: Sure. Just… tell me what supine means.

Landlord: What the heck’s going on?
Shawn: Nothing.
Landlord: Nothing? Is that guy dead?
Shawn: Now you’ve seen too much.
Landlord: I didn’t see anything.
Shawn: Yeah, you did. You’re in this just as deep as I am now. We’re going to have to work together.
Landlord: Okay.
Shawn: I assume this building has an incinerator, yeah?
Landlord: Yeah.
Shawn: Okay. We just have to chop up the body, and, ah, put the limbs in little plastic baggies. The torso we’re going to have to melt down of course.
Gus jumping up: Okay, I’ve heard enough.

Gus: So. The prophecy’s been fulfilled.
Shawn: Hm. {pause} What? What are you talking about? What prophecy?
Gus: Nothing, I just figured it was finally my chance to say something dramatic.

Shawn: Battleship rematch?
Gus: You know that’s right.

Poker? I Barely Know Her

Present Day

Gus: Okay. Double-or-nothing. Trivia question this time. History.
Shawn: Grover Cleveland.
Gus: Damn! How do you do that?
Shawn: It’s the sweetness.

Bill Peterson (Dan Lauria): I need to find my son. Can you help?
Gus: Well, Mr. Peterson, this sounds like a case for the police. Let me get you a number.
Shawn: Gus, don’t be a gooey chocolate chip cookie. This is precisely what we do here, sir. We find people. We’ll find your Brandon.

Shawn as a player is about to lose a finger: Well Gus. It appears there’s a seat opening up. Still, I think our best course of action would be to— {snip}
Gus: Get the hell out of here.

Shawn: I will now become a conduit to your son’s thoughts. Please. Clear your mind and your nasal passages. This of nothing but Brandon and those chips. Gus, present spuds!

Shawn: Woah woah, woah. Wait a second here. Time out.
Gus: What?
Shawn: You’re BigKitty75?
Gus: Yeah. As in “the kitty”. You know, the pot.
Shawn: The Kitty?
Gus: Yes. 75.
Shawn: Seventy-four other BigKitties came before you?
Gus: Yes, Shawn. There were seventy-four.

Gus: Felicia Fancybottom? What am I, a James Bond villain?

Shawn: Something’s bothering me, dude. I’m never wrong.
Gus: You’re always wrong. What are you talking about?
Shawn: You should be a better poker player, Gus. That was a pretty good bluff.

Scary Sherry: Bianca’s Toast

Halloween Night, 1987

Young Gus: Well can I eat my candy?
Henry: Yeah. Knock yourself out, Lando. As long as your old man doesn’t mind his nine-year-old son passing razor blades.

Young Shawn with his eyes covered: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Young Gus: Not even sort of.

Exactly Twenty Years Later… Give or Take Ten Minutes

Juliet: I’m here but I’m not. Get it?
Shawn: Gus, what’s the word?
Gus: That would be “mum”.

Shawn: Hey buddy. Good news. I just got a fax confirming that the city of Santa Barbara has unanimously voted you Exorcist of the Year.
Gus: Okay. Make all your little jokes, but I know who was right on my ass all the way to the car.
Shawn: I had no choice. You were my ride home.
Gus: Shawn, you were screaming too.
Shawn: Yes. I was screaming, “Gus. Stop. Let’s be brave.”

Shawn: Gus you’re on fire!
Gus: Thank you.
Shawn: The copycat suicide angle literally goes out the window.

Shawn: If you come, we can roll earlier. We’ll say we’re working on a case.
Gus: We are working on a case.
Shawn: Sweet. So it’s settled.

Shawn: Gus. There is not such thing as an airtight alibi. And if there is, we’re going to pretend like there isn’t. This girl is Sharon Stone from Basic Instinct. Which makes me Michael Douglas and you George Dzundza. Whose name is actually Gus in the film. Until we have another lead, we assume it’s her. We just have to figure out the how. So far, no answer.
Gus: Okay, first of all? Don’t ever compare my black ass to George Dzundza again, okay?
Shawn: Fair.

Henry: And you guys, you’ve been freaked out about this your entire life?
Gus: I don’t even drive by that place. {Henry starts laughing}
Shawn: I really don’t think it’s funny. It was a very scary thing for two young boys. Certainly puts a new spin on the nanny in The Omen.
Gus: You know that’s right.
Henry: Shawn, how much did you two see?
Shawn: We didn’t actually see “it”.
Gus: Luckily he missed the grisly bitter end.
Henry: Luckily?
Gus: Yes, luckily. I covered his eyes, but we know what happened.
Henry: I beg to differ. I think you two missed one very small but important detail. She never jumped. {he starts laughing again}
Shawn: What? No. No, no no no. That’s impossible. We saw the window. She was gone.
Henry: Yeah. Because one off-duty police officer pulled her back inside. Scary Sherry Craddock was rehabilitated. I’m pretty sure that she’s married and living in Fresno. Come on, guys. Give me some more credit here. I have no idea how that ridiculous urban legend got started in the first place.

Shawn: Your big ass mouth.
Gus: I wanted to keep it a secret. You’re the one that was broadcasting it at the lunch table.
Shawn: I can’t believe this.
Gus: We actually started an urban legend.
Shawn: That’s dope!

Shawn: Of course. Why mess around with the worker bees when you can kill the queen.
What are you talking about, Shawn?
Shawn: Gus! Alice. She wanted us all at that party, including us. So she could get Mary Lou by herself. This is Silence of the Lambs! Which means we’re both Scott Glenn!

Alice Bundy: What would you have done, Shawn? If it was your best friend. What would you have done?
Shawn: Oh no. Gus!