Gossip Girl: Eventually, every queen finds herself in unfamiliar territory outside the castle walls. In Blair Waldorf’s case, the Village.
Blair: NYU? What was I thinking? You know how I feel about ironic facial hair.
Nate: Well you were thinking a) you’re lucky to get into a school at all. And b) you’re super lucky because where you got in happens to be in the same city as your fantastic boyfriend.
Blair: That’s true.
Nate: I’ve been coming down here for years and I’m going to teach you everything you need to know. The best latté, the best slice, the best pot dealer. But first. The most important lesson of all: how to ride the subway.
Blair: Nate! You’re sweet. But obviously you’ve inhaled too much patchouli. There’s no way I’m going down there. It’s full of mole men and middle-class professionals.
Nate: Well you have to learn. How else are you going to visit me at Columbia.
Blair: Why do you think God gave us car service.
Nate: Our schools are at opposite poles of Manhattan. I mean the traffic could take hours. The subway’s definitely the quickest way.
Blair: Please don’t ask this of me.
Jenny: What’s with this newfound interest in antiquing?
Rufus: I’m just stimulating the economy by rewarding my fantastic kids. And it so happens that the gallery was a great investment. It’s listing for three times what I paid for it.
Dan: You didn’t get soaked when the real estate bubble burst?
Rufus: Well it’s not as much as I would have gotten at the top of the market but I’ll be able to send you both to school and have a little breathing room to figure out what I’m going to do next.
Jenny: Have you considered cooking classes? I mean even I’m getting of tired of your waffles, Dad.
Rufus: Not cool. I sometimes make chili.
Blair: Rats go underground. Not Waldorfs.
Serena: Well you could always borrow Chuck’s helicopter. Kidding…
Blair: Chuck. What a waste of time that was. You know it’s not a real relationship if you can’t hold hands. Oh and Nate is good to me. Good for me. And he’s learned a thing or two.
Serena: Hm. So being a kept man does have its perks.
Blair: Yeah, but no man is worth suffering the indignity of mass transit.
Blair: Gabriel is disappearing for a reason. We need to get to the bottom of it.
Serena: No. We don’t.
Blair: Oh come on! Let’s follow him tonight. We can dress up, use code names. Dorota is a great help with surveillance equipment.
Chuck: Well. You suck more than usual today.
Nate: I’m a little distracted. Things with—
Chuck: It’s okay. You can say her name.
Nate: Blair. I feel a little weird talking about it with you.
Chuck: Nathaniel she’s your girlfriend. If you want to be friends like we were it’s just part of the deal.
Nate: So it’s okay to just talk about her guy-to-guy like we used?
Chuck: Well I was there for the last week, wasn’t I?
Lily: Oh. I asked the caterer for a ’99 Brunello. This isn’t a PTA meeting.
Serena: Gabriel. It’s a movie. You know most of them are only like 80 minutes these days.
Gabriel (Armie Hammer): And you know that there’s nothing else I’d rather do. But I’m a little behind reviewing the prospectus. You know this is important to me.
Serena: Yeah. And you spending time with my family is important to me.
Chuck: Blair. I see you’re wearing your beret. Who are we spying on tonight?
Blair: Serena’s shady Southerner.
Chuck: Well I can’t say he does much for me either. Why the intrigue? Don’t tell me. Not enough drama in domestic bliss with Nate. You know when people step outside their relationship for a thrill it’s usually not alone and in the dark.
Blair: I happen to be worried about my best friend. Serena said Gabriel just disappears—poof! Well I’m going to find out where he’s poofing to. And besides, it’s good for couples to have different interests. Sh!
Chuck: This feels eerily familiar.
Blair: Shut up! Look. Poppy?
Gossip Girl: And when a queen discovers her best maiden is with a dragon in disguise, the only thing to do is pull up the drawbridge and trap him. Metaphorically of course.
Blair: You have to dump him! We caught that redneck red-handed.
Serena: Well B, obviously I’m not thrilled, but I’m going to get to the bottom of this on my own. You know, why can’t you worry about your own relationship problems for a change?
Blair: What is that supposed to mean?
Serena: It was Friday night and you were out spying on my boyfriend. Instead of seeing a movie. Why can’t anybody see a movie around here?
Vanessa (Jessica Szohr): So am I not supposed to mention the outfit?
Dan: I’m a cater waiter now. Where you been?
Vanessa: Just working. Well I was hoping to never speak about this but it might actually feel good to—
Blair: Let me get this straight. Gabriel is still popping Poppy and you’re okay with that? No no. This is too MOB. Put on the Vena Cava.
Serena: For the hundredth time, he’s not still sleeping with her. And while it’s not ideal, he is going to break up with her next week.
Blair: And what proof did he offer of that?
Serena: He doesn’t need proof, B. Because I trust him. We have this amazing connection. Do you know he said he fell in love with me the first time he ever saw me?
Blair: Oh. That is interesting. Considering the fact that he was on vacation with his girlfriend.
Serena: Actually the first time he saw me was a year ago when I was out with Georgina. He busted me on my fake Southern accent.
Blair: And what night was that? Don’t tell me it was that night. That night that you blacked out and don’t remember anything. He fell in love with you while you were roofied. How romantic.
Serena: No no no. It wasn’t like that. He said I was completely lucid. It must have been before Georgina drugged me. I just don’t happen to remember it.
Blair: Believe me, I had to learn the hard way. Trust is the most important thing in a relationship.
Serena: And we have that.
Blair: The way I trust Nate and he trusts me? Even though he may as well be going to school in Guam next year. I wouldn’t worry if I can’t find him. Because I know he will always be true to me.
Serena: I hope so, B. Because no offense but we both know that that hasn’t always been the case.
Blair: What are you saying, that Nate is in love with you?
Serena: What are you saying, that Gabriel isn’t?
Blair: No! I just know he’s not going to break up with Poppy! Why would he? He’s having her cake and eating yours too.
Serena: So both Nate and Chuck are obsessed with you, but my boyfriend can’t stay faithful to me for seven days.
Blair: No that’s— I love you. I just don’t want to see you get hurt. Okay?
Chuck: Archibald, what are we doing here? This place is great, but Murray Hill? I mean your mother’s too hip for this zip code.
Nate: I just wanted to show you that Blair and I are really serious now. You understand that, right?
Gossip Girl: Queen of Hearts or Queen of Heartache? Careful B, cut off the head of one love triangle, one of your own might grow back in its place.
Poppy: While I appreciate you playing the peacemaker, Chuck, I’m not sure Serena will want to see me.
Chuck: Trust me. This should be exciting for everyone.
Vanessa: Dan, you’re lucky. However bad your life sucks right now, you didn’t need an STD panel this week.
Dan: Yeah…. Wait, why does my life suck right now?
Blair: Nate what are you doing here? I thought there was a Mets game. I saw Dorota wearing her hat.
Gossip Girl: Sometimes a queen has to make a choice: a castle with a white knight. Or a quest with a dark prince. So B, what’ll it be? Netflix night with Nate or battling a beast with Bass?
Serena: Blair, I support you in all of your crazy choices—case in point—why can’t you support me in mine?
Serena: I’m going back to my boyfriend right now. If you know what’s good for you, you’ll go back to yours.
Dan: Wow. I’m not going to Yale.
Vanessa: I’m so sorry I let it out like that.
Blair: Serena didn’t believe us.
Nate: You mean she didn’t just dump her boyfriend because you two told her to? What’s wrong with her?
Blair: Come with us.
Nate: No. I’m not going, neither should you. It’s just Chuck playing games.
Blair: No, I don’t think it is. And if you don’t want to come with us, please, just let me go. I need you to trust me.
Chuck: The limo’s waiting.
Nate: You’re right. I need to trust you and I do. So… go.
Chuck: You should call Eleanor, we won’t be back tonight.
Blair: Wait, what? I thought she was back home in Connecticut.
Chuck: You thought wrong. Yes, hello. What time are your visiting hours? We’re coming to see Georgina Sparks.
Gossip Girl: Get out your brooms, kids. We’re off to see the Wicked Witch of the Upper East Side.
Blair: I can’t believe I have to see my sworn enemy with Nancy Pelosi hair.
Chuck: Now that you mention it, maybe it’s best if I go in alone.
Chuck: You just said it: you’re enemies. Why would she help you?
Blair: Because I’m going to threaten to send her back to boot camp if she doesn’t.
Chuck: Blair, Georgina and I go way back. We have a special bond. I can handle this one.
Blair: You didn’t even need me here. You just wanted to get me alone. Away from Nate. Away from our first night in our apartment.
Chuck: And his motives were pure of course. I’m sure it’s a simple coincidence that he asked you to move in right when you and I began speaking again.
Blair: He asked me so I wouldn’t have to take the subway next year.
Chuck: That’s maybe why he got the lease on the place. But asking you to move in was for my benefit. Ask him yourself. Or you could just trust him. The fact remains: you chose to spend the night in a car over a night in your honeymoon suite with Nate. But then again we all know your weakness for limos.
Blair: I came here for my best friend.
Chuck: Is that the only reason?
Counselor: Welcome! Are you a wayward soul in need of direction?
Chuck: I think I’m in the wrong place.
Georgina (Michelle Trachtenberg): Chuck Bass? Have you been saved too?
Georgina: Still the same old Chuck. Why can’t you believe that people can change?
Chuck: Oh people can change. But you…
Georgina: You’re wrong, Chuck. You know, as bad as boot camp was it really gave me time to think about the person I’d become. Scheming, manipulative. It sickened me. So one day I decided to do something about it. I went to church, found Jesus, and I told him all my sins.
Chuck: Well I bet that was a long talk.
Georgina: He forgave me. Look, I know it seems crazy but for the first time in my life I’m happy. But if I know Chuck Bass you’re not here to be reformed.
Chuck: I came to ask if you know a man named Gabriel Edwards.
Georgina: I don’t think so. Why?
Chuck: He claims he met you at Butter that night you roofied Serena.
Georgina: Oo. Yeah, I’ve been praying overtime for that one. But that’s impossible. We never went to Butter. We were back at my hotel by midnight watching The Hills as Serena drooled over my shoulder.
Chuck: Hang tight. Blair and I will be there as soon as we can. Actually since my limo’s gone that might be awhile.
Gossip Girl: And eventually a queen realizes that a dark knight only has one thing on his mind. And it ain’t slaying dragons. So she takes her pumpkin carriage and goes back to the castle.
Blair: I made a mistake. I shouldn’t have gone with Chuck.
Nate: Oh it’s okay. I’m just glad you came back. Well come in. Let me show you around.
Blair: You know, I loathe Murray Hill. Why did you get this apartment?
Nate: I got it so we wouldn’t be so far apart next year.
Blair: And is that why you asked me to move in with you?
Nate: Blair— Knowing you and Chuck were hanging out made me jealous.
Blair: You said you trusted me. But you really don’t, do you?
Nate: Blair. I’m so sorry. Hey, I love you. So take your coat off and stay. Please.
Chuck: It’s Serena.
Georgina: Oo! Say hi for me. I have so much love in my heart for that girl. Chuck rolls his eyes.
Chuck: Did you find him?
Serena: No, I’m too late. I mean the drawers and closets are empty. He’s gone.
Poppy: What do you mean gone?
Serena: I have to call you back.
Georgina: What happened to your limo?
Chuck: Parker won’t answer his phone, but I’m guessing Blair took it.
Georgina: Blair? You came here with Blair? You know what, it’s actually my day off. And I really miss the city.
Gossip Girl: Oh dear queen, heed the words of a king. Look like an angel, talk like an angel, the devil in disguise. XOXO.