Gossip Girl: Morning on the Upper East Side. Where even our own blonde birdie has been spotted flying the coop early to make it to her morning classes. Leave it to Serena van der Woodsen to make geek, chic. Who knew ivy would look so good on her.
Serena: Hey! Hey hey. Are you kidding me?
Cab Poacher: Hey, you again.
Serena: Yes. Me again. Getting my cab taken by you again.
Cab Poacher: Nice bag. I like it better than the one you had the other day.
Serena: Thank you. It’s supposed to be at class with me. I can’t be late again so if you don’t mind.
Cab Poacher: Sorry, she had an audition. Something… I think a talking dog was involved.
Serena: Yeah, I know the feeling.
Cab Poacher: Why don’t you let me make it up to you. Buy you a drink sometime?
Serena: Are you seriously hitting on me while still holding your date’s shoes?
Cab Poacher: Well if you change your mind the King Cole Bar is the only place in town that still makes a Red Snapper. You look like you’re about a size eight.
Blair: Indra Nooyi. Ann Moore. Andrea Young. Why are these all businesswomen?
Jessica (Alice Callahan): We color-coded for easy reference. Businesswomen are in green. Women in academia are in blue.
Zoe (Melissa Fumero): Politics and Government in red with a subsection on royalty and dictators.
Serena: Oo, Files. What’s going on?
Blair: Researching women of power so I can better forge my path to become one. Sarah Louise Palin? to Zoe: Do you even want to be a minion?
Serena: B, can I talk to you for a minute?
Blair: Yes. Five paces behind. For privacy. to Zoe. Ten for you.
Serena: With Dan and Nate behind me I really feel like I can bury the old me and start anew.
Blair: May you rest in peace.
Serena: The only problem is I’ve been late for my English Lit class a few times and lates count as absences, which—
Blair: If only there were a device of some kind to keep the time. S, listen to me. College professors have a God complex. So just meet with him and say you’re sorry. The simplest way to turn an enemy into a friend is to seek their counsel.
Serena: Who taught you that, one of your Asian Art of War gurus?
Blair: Martha Chamberlin. She’s guest lecturing a series called The Psychology of Business. I’m heading to the registrars to sign up.
Serena: Oh, I love her. B, how do you do it? Chuck declares war and you simply up your classload.
Blair: The more time I spend on campus the safer I am. Chuck is allergic to education and bettering himself.
Serena: Well I’m not. So if I’m going to work on my new self I should head to the library. Sign me up for Martha’s class. We’ll go together.
Vanessa (Jessica Szohr): Your guitar tuner. Really? You have the worst poker face ever.
Rufus: Okay, fine. Dan hasn’t been returning my calls and I wanted to make sure everything was okay with you guys.
Vanessa: Everything is better than okay. Dan and I had a marathon talk. Everything we hadn’t dealt with, including Serena. And from now on there’s no more secrets or surprises.
Rufus: Well that’s great. Never doubted you guys for a second.
Vanessa: Seriously. You need to practice in the mirror or something. I don’t know how they let you live on the Upper East Side.
Nate: That’s great you and Vanessa sorted everything out. We should double. Juliet and I are going to this Faculty & Friends mixer tomorrow night at the Hamilton House. You guys wanna come?
Dan: Mm… No.
Nate: There’s free appetizers, Humphrey.
Dan: Oh. Okay. Fine. You wanna go see a movie afterward?
Nate: No can do.
Dan: Oh come on, it doesn’t even have to have subtitles.
Nate: That sounds great. No, Juliet and I have this nice little evening planned after the mixer. Got some nice champagne, new Matteo sheets. And I’m hoping some recently purchased lingerie.
Dan: That’s for her, right? Wait a second, you guys haven’t ah…
Nate: No, I haven’t. I did spend the night at her place but I took a page from the old Humphrey playbook and we just talked and played Scrabble.
Dan: That’s nice. Thanks. By the way, thank you for inviting me today. After everything that’s happened between us—
Nate: Yeah yeah yeah. I missed you too. No hugs. You’re not getting a hug.
Dan: Not one?
Nate: Not one.
Juliet (Katie Cassidy): Have you been spying on me?
Ben (David Call): Spying implies a lack of trust. And I know that I can trust you.
Juliet: I’m only dating Nate to stay in Serena’s orbit.
Ben: Good. Because we agreed that we would not stop until Serena was left with nothing. Just like I was. And the next thing to take from her is Columbia.
Blair: What are you doing here?
Chuck: Go Lions.
Blair: No. That’s impossible. Even for you.
Chuck: The dean’s extended me the courtesy of auditing a few classes. He thought it important I get the feel for campus life before breaking ground on the new Bart Bass Memorial Rotunda.
Chuck: It’s a building. With a circle ground plan. Usually covered by a dome—
Blair: I know what a rotunda is!
Blair: You can’t be here. Columbia is mine. What do you want?
Chuck: Funny, last time we spoke I thought I was crystal clear. You took away what I cared about most. To return the favor, I’m going to take Columbia away from you.
Gossip Girl: This just in. Looks like you can take the girl out of the party but not the party out of the girl. Rumor has it our favorite blonde could be spreading more than just good cheer. And if it’s true, then there’s a test out there a few of you who might not be able to pass. Does SVW have an STD… !?
Serena: I mean who would lie to Gossip Girl like that?
Blair: Do you really want a list? Because I don’t know if I have that kind of time.
Serena: A good scandal is one thing, but even Gossip Girl likes to keep things classy and somewhat true. I just wanted to focus on school.
Blair: Well don’t let this stop you. Without someone confirming the rumor it’ll blow over by lunch. Now just keep doing what you’re doing. Hold your head high. This is our school. We were here first, damn him to hell!
Serena: Why do I get the feeling like your pep talk is not entirely meant for me.
Blair: Chuck is here. At Columbia.
Serena: Wow. He’s bringing the battle to campus?
Blair: Yes. Well. I already have a battle plan.
Serena: If you’re not going to let a disease like Chuck deter you, what leg do I have to stand on.
Juliet: Okay, it says here that you both slept with Serena and Vanessa, and that Vanessa also slept with Chuck who slept with Blair.
Nate: All that’s on Gossip Girl?
Juliet: Yeah. She made a chart actually, which I have to say is very helpful.
Dan: Vanessa, like I told you on the phone I’m sure it’s totally false. And what business is it of yours anyway? You and I both got tested when we first started sleeping together. You remember that? I sure do and I have not been with anyone else since.
Vanessa: Dan, Serena was sleeping in your bed and wearing your t-shirt. If something else happened, I need to know.
Dan: Nothing else happened. What happened to our big talk? ‘Cause honestly I don’t know if I can have the same conversation one more time.
Nate: Thanks for coming with me, man.
Dan: No problem. I shouldn’t have told you about the cotton swab thing. That was insensitive. But just think about how happy you’ll be with a clean bill of health tomorrow.
Serena: What the hell are you doing? And you, it’s been what, two years?
Dan: I’m a wingman.
Serena: Nate, I know all about your summer of love from Chuck’s Little Black Book.
Gossip Girl: Looks like Dan and Serena’s sleepover last May was more than just a kiss before bed!
Tiffany (Taylor Gildersleeve): Ms. Chamberlain’s largest client to date?
Blair: National Rifle Association. She created the Mama Bears campaign. Increased female membership by a third.
Zoe: And the cherry pie?
Blair: Her first major success was branding a cherry pie recipe for Better Homes & Gardens.
Tiffany: How do you go from Better Homes & Gardens to the NRA?
Blair: It’s a short trip, believe me.
Blair: Ms. Chamberlain, whatever Mr. Bass has told you I assure you he has no interest in your class or any idea who you even are.
Martha Chamberlain (Marlyne Barrett): Thank you?
Chuck: On the contrary. Once I decided to rebrand The Empire there was only one name on my list. We can talk more as I walk you to your limo.
Martha Chamberlain: Thank you. Good day Miss Waldorf. If you have any questions regarding the class Mr. Bass will answer them.
Chuck: Actually it turns out Ms. Chamberlain’s class is overenrolled. You didn’t make the cut. Sorry. Mm. I almost forgot how much I used to enjoy your pie.
Gossip Girl: Better batten down the hatches, B. Looks like your island in the storm was just hit by a Bass 5 hurricane.
Blair: We can’t let the men of our past define us. They want us to lash out, lower ourselves to their level. But it is our job to remain civilized.
Serena: So you’re going to let Chuck have the assistant position then.
Blair: I said civilized, not lobotomized.
Serena: What is going on?
Dorota: It’s better not to know. Plausible deniability.
Ms. Chamberlain: Let’s just say that nothing is set in stone.
Blair: Hm. I’m sorry, did you say scone?
Serena: No no no! I don’t care how late she is to her audition.
Cab Poacher: Flight attendant. So quick to judge.
Serena: You put a different girl into a cab every day. If you think I would ever be one of them you are out of your mind.
Cab Poacher: I think nothing of the sort, in fact I leave at this time on purpose hoping to get to see you.
Serena: Good. Then I’m taking the cab. Scoot over.
Serena: You know Vanessa, you always want to believe the worst in people. Why change now.
Zoe: I’m tired of making dossiers and carrying cherry pies. This will be good practice if I ever decide to take Blair down myself.
Chuck: Don’t get ahead of yourself, but I appreciate the enthusiasm.
Blair: Where have you been?
Serena: I know. I’m late. Again.
Blair: So I take it the meeting with your professor did not go well.
Serena: It didn’t go at all. I didn’t make it.
Blair: You know there’s a clock on your cellphone, right?
Sam: Sam. Hi. I must say, Blair did not do you justice.
Ms. Chamberlain: I know the feeling. You thought this was my special someone.
Blair: No. I mean unless…
Ms. Chamberlain: What? Since I’m a powerful career-driven woman who intimidates men I must be a lesbian.
Blair: No. This is not the date I set up! He was an intellectual property lawyer who does pro bono work helping kids sue Hollywood for stealing their Twitter ideas.
Ms. Chamberlain: Then I suggest you see if he needs an assistant. My class is full. Forever. Great scarf by the way.
Serena: I’m so sorry I didn’t make our meeting this morning, but as I mentioned in my email I’m hoping to impress upon you—upon both of you—that I’m willing to do whatever it takes to succeed at this school.
Dean: Yes, the email that you sent to Professor Lawford makes that pretty clear.
Serena: I’m sorry?
Dean: Perhaps we should have this conversation in private.
Serena: And what conversation would that be?
Dean: The one regarding your email that offers sex for grades.
Serena: What? I didn’t do that, I would never do that.
Dean: This is your email address, is it not?
Serena: Yes, but I didn’t send this.
Dean: Miss van der Woodsen, obviously we pay no mind to childish rumors that circulate all college campuses, but this email is extremely serious. The consequence of sending it I’m afraid is expulsion.
Gossip Girl: Spotted: Serena van der Woodsen looking like she’s hot for teacher. That’s the thing about a good gaslight. With enough smoke, who cares if there’s really a fire.
Vanessa: Did you send that email—the one that came from Serena’s phone offering sex to her professor?
Juliet: What? Why would I do that? If you ask me it sounds like an idea that Serena would get all on her own.
Vanessa: I don’t think she would do that. I’m going to tell her we had her phone.
Juliet: Wait. Don’t. Maybe if we had access to it then somebody else did as well. I didn’t send that email. But if you tell her that we took her phone she is going to blame us and I could get expelled.
Vanessa: And so could she. If you didn’t send it then you have nothing to worry about.
Blair ripping off Chuck’s scarf: Where is Martha’s date?!
Chuck: Penthouse suite at The Empire. With a woman I assure you he won’t want to leave until morning; maybe afternoon—depends on his cardio.
Blair: I was going to play nice. You think I don’t have a plan B?
Chuck: Plan B? What could be more cunning and devious than date night.
Blair: I had Dorota get chummy with Martha’s maid, who came over from one of her sweatshops in the Philippines. If I have to I’ll blackmail her for the position.
Chuck: An illegal maid scandal, nobody’s cared about those in years.
Blair: Oh, and a lesbian switcheroo doesn’t make you Blackwater.
Chuck: Switcheroo was for fun. The IRS agent standing by to crawl up Martha’s audit is not.
Blair: A tax fraud setup. They give away Girl Scout badges for that. I have her pre-nup. It has details.
Chuck: I have the nanny. She has pictures. Martha’s ex is in them, so is Martha. It turns out it was a threesome until the nanny turned it into a twosome.
Ms. Chamberlain: Oh my god. You students are psychotic. I have better things to do with my time. Tell the dean I quit.
Chuck: Shame. Sounded like a good class. If you’ll excuse me I’ve heard good things about the Make-Your-Own-Pizza Bar.
Serena: My phone isn’t in here. Whoever stole it must have been the person that sent the email.
Dean: A missing cellphone is hardly proof. I’ll see you in my office on Monday and we’ll talk about what’s next.
Vanessa: I can explain.
Dan: You took Serena’s phone?
Serena: She thinks we slept together. Wait, you were the one behind the Gossip Girl rumor.
Vanessa: What? No! I know how this looks but I did not send out that email. Juliet did. She’s the one who wanted to steal your cellphone in the first place.
Juliet: Are you kidding me? There’s no way that I’m getting dragged into this. I wasn’t going to say anything, but Vanessa came to me today. She asked me to help her get revenge and I told her no.
Vanessa: That is a lie!
Nate: No, it’s not. Juliet told me before the party. She was hoping to talk to Vanessa and calm her down, but… I’m sorry, man.
Dan: Wait, is that why you were so happy earlier and you wanted to get out of here?
Serena: Yeah, with my phone so that she could get rid of the evidence and make sure I was expelled.
Vanessa: I did not do this. After everything we’ve been through I’m asking you to please believe me.
Dan: I don’t know what to believe right now.
Juliet: What did you expect me to do? I had to protect myself.
Vanessa: You’re right. You do.
Gossip Girl: Poor V. Didn’t she know that in love and war, a friend in need is willing to do most any deed.
Dean Reuther: I believe you didn’t send that email. But I can’t ignore the level of drama that has followed you to my campus, and grown even louder since you’ve arrived.
Dean: Women of my generation had to fight for every opportunity. And to be taken seriously. And your attitude, Miss van der Woodsen, makes a mockery of that. If I were you, I’d rethink my priorities. Goodnight. Blair walks in. Miss Waldorf, I have my eye on you as well.
Blair: Plausible deniability was a good call. And speaking of denials, you’ve been cleared in the court of public opinion. Gossip Girl sent out an official retraction and personal apology to you about the rumor. Not to mention she said whatever person sent it is now on her hit list.
Serena: Yeah well, it was Vanessa.
Blair: Vanessa? Oh a Gossip Girl scorn will only increase her social standing. How did you figure it out?
Serena: Ironically it was Juliet I have to thank for that.
Blair: What are you still doing here? I lost the assistant position. The entire faculty thinks I’m just as crazy as you. You’ve made your point. Can’t you take your little celebration elsewhere.
Chuck: If you think I take tonight as some sort of balancing of the scales, I don’t. I’m not trying to make a point Blair. This is just a warm up. Whatever you want, wherever you want it, I am going to be there to take it away from you. I won’t stop until you have nothing.
Blair: You wouldn’t go that far.
Chuck: Who knows my limits since you took away my future.
Blair: That wasn’t your future. That was Henry Prince’s. Destroying me won’t make you happy.
Blair: The only thing that will make you happy, you lost the moment you slept with Jenny Humphrey. And that was the best thing that ever happened to me because I got over you forever.
Chuck: If that’s the truth then why haven’t you told anyone about Jenny? Not your family, not your minions, not Gossip Girl. I know you’re not keeping that secret to protect me.
Blair: You wouldn’t. That revelation would result in mutual destruction. You may be homicidal but you’re not suicidal.
Chuck: A man with nothing to live for is capable of anything.
Vanessa: Dan it’s really important to me that you know I didn’t start any rumors. Or send out that email.
Dan: I believe you—I think. But it doesn’t change the fact that you didn’t believe me.
Vanessa: I know that now. It’s just too bad that it took losing you to figure out.
Cab Poacher: The Red Snapper. Excellent choice. What do you think?
Serena: I think it’s a Bloody Mary with an inferiority complex.
Cab Poacher: Fair enough.
Cab Poacher: Tell you what, one drink one question. Tell me why you’re drinking alone and I’ll tell you anything you want.
Serena: I thought I could start over. But it turns out college is just high school with more expensive books. There’s no starting over. No matter where I go, whatever I do, my past seems to follow me. So. What about you? Why are you with a different girl every night?
Cab Poacher: Because I stopped apologizing for my past a long time ago.
Serena: Does that really work? Does it actually make you happy?
Cab Poacher: It did.
Gossip Girl: The law of affinity refers to unlikely compositions forming a bond through a purely chemical reaction.
Ben: Why didn’t you stick to the plan?
Juliet: Like I said the first time, I thought Vanessa was the better option.
Ben: Well she wasn’t. Serena didn’t get expelled.
Juliet: But now I’m in with Serena and I can become her confidante. Find something even bigger to take her down with.
Ben: Good. Because now you have no choice. And I better not find out that this was about protecting Nate. Because if you’re falling for him…
Juliet: I’m not. I swear.
Ben: I guess I have to trust you.
Juliet: Yeah, I guess you do.
Gossip Girl: But even the strongest bonds have their limits. And when broken… That if left unchecked, explode like a nuclear bomb.
Chuck: Veronica. Do you still work with Tim Gunn? I need to get an interview for someone who will be applying to Parsons. Perfect. Yeah, her name’s Jenny Humphrey.
Gossip Girl: Waiting for the fallout. XOXO —Gossip Girl.