Gossip Girl: They say waking up is hard to do. Especially when you’re not alone.
Blair: What have we here? Bed: unslept in. Hair in… missionary disarray. And yesterday’s dress with today’s shame all over it.
Serena: No shame. For your information we just stayed up talking.
Blair: Oh. So does this chatty insomniac have a name?
Serena: Colin. The Cab Stealer.
Blair: Oh well you showed him.
Serena: It turns out he actually has some redeeming qualities. He’s handsome in an old Hollywood way. He’s smart and even though he’s a businessman he’s more interested in talking about Lichtenstein and Warhol—which he collects, by the way.
Blair: So what are you doing here?
Serena: He also collects women. That he puts into cabs. A new one each morning. And I’m not going to be one of them. I won’t be. What’s wrong with you? You look exhausted.
Blair: Ugh. I had another Chuck nightmare. It was awful. I was in Wait Until Dark. And I knew that he was there just lying in wait like in real life. But then when he attacked me he turned out to be a she.
Serena: Like Chuck in drag or an actual girl?
Blair: I don’t know! I was blind.
Serena: Well it makes sense you’re dreaming about being attacked, ever since Chuck declared war.
Blair: I guess. Well then why a girl? And the hair is so long…
Serena: B, can we talk about this on the way to school? Without the Cab Stealer I have no excuse for being late for a class and I promised the dean I’d be a model student.
Blair: Uh. I’m going to meet you there. There’s something I need to do first.
Dan: Hey man, what are you doing up so early?
Nate: Oh just visiting my dad. Thought I’d check in. You okay?
Dan: Yeah, well Vanessa went to stay with her folks for awhile.
Nate: Sorry man. Probably for the best though, right?
Dan: Yeah I suppose. I guess part of her just believes that I’ll always be in love with Serena no matter what I say.
Nate: Yeah. Crazy.
Dan: So what about you? How was your big night with Juliet?
Nate: Totally worth the wait. At least I thought so.
Dan: Huh? What do you mean?
Nate: This morning she bolted. She said she couldn’t skip class.
Nate: So? I thought she’d wanna hang. You know, maybe have breakfast at Tom’s, stay in bed all day. I don’t know.
Dan: Right, well I’m going to ignore the fact that you have the best problems ever and tell you just not to read too much into it. I know this might come as a shock but maybe she didn’t want to skip class.
Serena: So the Campus Crusade continues. You haven’t punished Blair enough for driving Eva away?
Chuck: As I told her, I’ve hardly begun. Besides I actually like it here.
Chuck: From what I hear they’ve got someone big to replace Martha for the Psychology of Business lecture. Apparently he’s Fortune 500. I’m curious to meet the man, see what lessons there are to be learned. Speaking of, where’s Blair? Don’t tell me she threw in the towel after one round.
Serena: She’ll be here.
Chuck: If you’ll excuse me I’m going to go sit with them. From what I hear badminton players know how to handle a shuttlecock.
Gossip Girl: They say life is full of surprises. That our dreams really can come true. Then again, so can our nightmares. Welcome home, Jenny Humphrey. We’ve missed you.
Jenny: Whatever you’re about to do, Blair, my dad and Lily are going to be home any minute.
Blair: Not to worry, Little J. This is going to be a very short conversation. I let you walk away after you whored yourself out to Chuck because I assumed you were smart enough never to come back. I might have been willing to make exceptions for holidays, birthdays, health emergencies of immediate family members, but I don’t believe any of those scenarios apply.
Jenny: Blair I’m just here for one day. I have an interview with Tim Gunn and if everything goes well then he’ll write me a recommendation letter for Parsons.
Blair: Parsons is still in Manhattan is it not?
Jenny: Lower Manhattan. It’s a hundred blocks away from the Upper East Side.
Blair: Semantics! You were banished. If people think I’m not a woman of my word the whole system could break down.
Jenny: Look Blair, I’m not looking to destabilize your social order. You know how much fashion means to me and Parsons is the school for it.
Blair: I’ll call you a car to take you back to Hudson. And wait while you pack.
Jenny: How about a day pass? I promise I’ll leave directly after my interview and you know, who knows if Tim Gunn’s even going to like my work. But either way I won’t set foot in Manhattan for the rest of the year, not even Christmas.
Blair: Jenny-free Holiday Season. It’s been on my wish list for quite some time. Amnesty ’til midnight.
Juliet (Katie Cassidy): So… running into each other at a prison. That’s kind of awkward.
Nate: Yeah, especially because you said you were going to class.
Juliet: Were you following me or something?
Nate: No. No. I wasn’t following you, okay? I’m visiting my dad. He’s in for fraud and embezzlement. He just got transferred down from Upstate.
Juliet: Oh my god, why didn’t you tell me?
Nate: Well it’s usually not a part of my A-game pillow talk. I mean it was in all the papers. I thought you might know and I wouldn’t have to talk about it.
Juliet: No. I didn’t. I’m sorry, I wasn’t living in the city then.
Nate: No, it’s okay. It’s nice to have someone to talk to who might understand.
Blair: If it was ever made public that you had a dangerous liaison with a teenage Brooklynite who, also, technically is your step-sister then you’d be socially guillotined.
Chuck: Well I’d be mad to have anything to do with her return then, wouldn’t I?
Blair: Jenny Humphrey is back.
Zoe (Melissa Fumero): She’s violating your order to exile?
Blair: I gave her a day pass. But she is not to move one inch outside that building without me knowing. Got it?
Penelope (Amanda Setton): Nothing could be more entertaining than bottle-Blonde recon, but we’re still dying to know why you deported Jenny in the first place.
Blair: Yours is not to wonder why. Yours is to do or die. Go!
Dan: Okay, so what’s really going on?
Jenny: Well Blair stopped by with her Welcome Wagon. I don’t know why I thought I could sneak back in for a day, but…
Eric: How did she know you were here before I did?
Jenny: She’s the Wicked Witch of the Upper East Side. I’m sure one of her monkeys spotted me getting off the train or something. But it’s fine. She’s giving me a day pass as long as I don’t see or talk to anyone.
Dan: That’s ridiculous.
Jenny: Yes. It is 100% Vintage Crazy-ass Blair. But really, though. I mean I have no interest in going back to being GI Jenny and warring with Blair.
Eric: How very Gandhi of you.
Dan: But in case Eastern philosophy does fail you, how about I meet you downtown after my class and I can escort you back up here.
Jenny: Thanks. But really the only person I have to worry about today is Tim Gunn.
Chuck: I heard Jenny was back. I wanted to speak with her.
Dan: And say what? “I’m sorry for taking advantage of you and letting my psycho ex-girlfriend run you out of town”?
Chuck: Something like that. Except without the sarcasm.
Gossip Girl: Spotted: B’s disciples hot on Little J’s tail.
Tiffany: This is fun!
Zoe: Hopefully it’s about to get more so.
Gossip Girl: Watch out J. Break a deal with the devil… and there’ll be hell to pay.
Tim Gunn: Confidence and self-worth? I don’t know if this is your idea of a joke, but it’s not funny.
Gossip Girl: Spotted: Little J having a fashion emergency. Looks like B drew blood.
Chuck: Before you say anything I’m only calling because I saw Gossip Girl. I wondered if I might be able to offer some assistance.
Dan: Well unless it’s a murder-suicide I think I’ll pass.
Chuck: So dramatic. You should be a writer.
Gossip Girl: Careful Little J. Queen B doesn’t grant second chances. She attacks at first sight.
Jenny: Are you sure this is a good idea? I mean RISD has a great fashion program.
Eric: We are not letting you give up on Parsons. C’mon.
Jenny: I have a Blair-shaped target on my back.
Dan: You wanted to be Gandhi, now’s your chance. Let’s go find Tim Gunn.
Blair: Status report.
Penelope: Jenny didn’t get on the train. She’s at the Observer party. We followed her here.
Blair: This isn’t just belligerency. It’s insurgency. Why would she risk escalating my wrath?
Penelope: Tim Gunn is here.
Blair: Of course. An eleventh hour appeal. Don’t let her out of your sight. I’m on my way.
Penelope: The Boom Boom Room is a private club and we’re having trouble with the door guy. Can you help?
Blair: Penelope. This isn’t congress. Accomplish something!
Juliet: There are some things that I need to tell you about me and my family.
Chuck: Looking to paint the town red?
Blair: I don’t know what you’ve heard, but it isn’t your concern. realizing. Unless… it is. You’ve been behind this the whole time, haven’t you? You got Jenny the interview with Tim Gunn. And you made sure that your friend with no benefits stopped by the Empire just to defy me.
Chuck: I told you I wouldn’t rest until you were destroyed. Inviting your old sparring partner back was just my way of avoiding doing all the dirty work myself. Jenny always had a talent for making your life a living hell.
Blair: You’ve gone too far. Bringing Jenny back puts both of our reputations at risk.
Chuck: I love to watch you squirm. The pleasure I get from witnessing your shame is considerable. But I doubt Jenny will talk. She thinks she’s above it all. Good Little Humphrey still cares what people think.
Gossip Girl: Looks like New York’s best kept secret is finally out. Turns out Little J didn’t lose her V-card to Damien Daalgard. She waited. And Chucked it away with her step-brother. Guess that explains the Humphrey in Hudson. Hell hath no fury like a Waldorf scorned.
Jenny: Give it up Blair. Everyone knows I did. And who I gave it to.
Gossip Girl: Looks like the jokes on Chuck and Blair. And Little J’s got the last laugh.
Dan: So much for Zen Jenny Humphrey.
Jenny: Come on, Dan. I just did what needed to be done.
Dan: It’s what Blair and Chuck would have done. Jen, I was proud of you for moving on. But if this is what you’ve become after just a day back? Maybe Blair was right after all, and maybe you should go back to Hudson.
Lily: After Serena left this afternoon I bought Colin’s book. And in chapter 16 it talks about reverse psychology. Nothing I’ve done so far has gotten through so I thought I’d try something new.
Nate: Whatever happened to “in good times and bad”?
Mr. Archibald (Sam Robards): I don’t know. I spent most of or marriage focused on “for richer or poorer”.
Blair: Are you happy now that you’ve humiliated both of us?
Chuck: It’s in your own bloody hands, Lady Macbeth. What did you think would happen when you played Carrie with her dresses?
Blair: I only did it because you lured her back here to torture me.
Chuck: I warned you I wouldn’t stop.
Blair: And thanks to your vendetta we both lost and Jenny Humphrey won.
If you’ve come to gloat, I would relish the moment. It will be fleeting.
Jenny: You’re right. Because I’m leaving. Despite what happened today I can’t beat you. In order to beat you I’d have to become you and I’m better than that. At least I want to be.
Blair: Nice try, Jenny Humphrey. We know you’re just scared and want to save face.
Jenny: You two used to be in love. And together you were invincible. But now that you’ve turned against each other it’s just a matter of time before your mutual destruction. And when that happens maybe I’ll think about coming home. But for now: Goodbye, good riddance and good luck.
Gossip Girl: We hear Little J gave Chuck and Blair a goodbye kiss. Of death.
Gossip Girl: They say war is not the answer. But sometimes it’s a battle just to keep the peace.
Blair: If you’re here to deliver any further humiliation Dorota can sign for it.
Chuck: Jenny was right. If we keep going we’ll both end up dead. I like myself too much to let that happen. I assume you feel the same.
Blair: About myself. More. What do you suggest?
Chuck: A truce.
Blair: Why don’t you just sky write the word “Double Cross”. It’ll be more subtle.
Chuck: Look, we can keep blaming each other for what happened that night or we can admit a harder truth. It was no one’s fault. It was fate. Tragedy.
Blair: If Serena hadn’t kissed Dan then Nate wouldn’t have been at the hospital looking for her. And Jenny wouldn’t have come looking for me.
Chuck: If Dorota hadn’t gone into labor….
Blair: Maybe everything would be different. But it’s not.
Chuck: We’re holding on to the pain because it’s all we have left. But we don’t have to. We have a choice.
Blair: Truce. she takes Chuck’s hand and hesitates. You can see yourself out.
Chuck: I know the way.
Gossip Girl: On the Upper East Side, you may stand down but you can never give up. And the bitterest feuds are always labors of love.
Colin (Sam Page): How’s it going?
Juliet: You weren’t kidding when you said it’d be a challenge.
Colin: Well. All good things are worth waiting for.
Gossip Girl: But our most dangerous enemies are the ones we never knew we had.
Colin: To patience.
Gossip Girl: So if you want peace, always be prepared for war. XOXO —Gossip Girl