Gossip Girl Rufus Humphrey

Season 6

2012.10.08    

Matthew Settle

Gone Maybe Gone

Rufus: Lily. What are you doing here? I thought you and Bart were circling the globe on an eighty-foot yacht.
Lily: Well the yacht was a hundred and ten feet and most people who’ve actually been on one call it a boat.
Rufus: I assume you didn’t come all the way to Brooklyn to tell me that.
Lily: No. I didn’t come here to tell you anything, I came here to ask if you’ve seen Serena. She’s missing and I thought she might have sought out Dan.
Rufus: Well Dan’s in Italy and I haven’t seen or heard from Serena.
Lily: Oh really? Is that why her sweater’s here? Rufus, you have reached an all-time low. I mean first you let her hide here and then you lie to me, right to my face.
Rufus: That’s not Serena’s sweater.
Ivy walking in: It’s mine.
Lily: What is going on here?
Rufus: Ivy’s been staying here.
Lily: Here? With you?
Ivy: Lily, could I get you a glass of water? You don’t look well.
Lily: I assure you, I am quite alright. {to Rufus} Unlike you.
Ivy: There’s nothing wrong with Rufus. He saved me. After I tore up your check you wrote me I had nothing. I was on the verge of doing something desperate and Rufus opened his home to me. Gave me a second chance.
Rufus: I don’t know why it matters to you but she’s sleeping in Dan’s room.
Lily: It doesn’t matter to me. None of it does. My daughter is missing—god knows what happened to her—and I don’t know why she would ever think of coming here.

Ivy: Admit it. Lily’s visit upset you. Not just because something could have happened to Serena, but because Lily would think there was something going on between us. All you’ve done is been a good person.
Rufus: What I’ve done is dragged you from one potential art gallery to another. I mean if you have to see one more polished concrete floor.

Rufus: I know I’m not exactly a welcome house guest these days, but we shouldn’t let our recent history overshadow our past.
Lily: Thanks. I appreciate it. How could I have thought it was okay to go all summer without actually talking to my own daughter?
Rufus: Whatever this is, Lil, isn’t your fault.
Lily: And why should I believe that?
Rufus: Because that’s what you told me when Jenny ran away. And she was much younger and crazier. With much heavier eye makeup than Serena.

Rufus: Don’t say anything you’re going to regret.
Lily: I have no regrets, Rufus. Other than I let you in my home today.
Rufus: I’m already leaving.
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High Infidelity

 

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Dirty Rotten Scandals

Rufus: I would love nothing more than to have you on my arm, but before we announce our relationship status to the world, I have to tell my kids first. Jenny sent her blessing from London but I still haven’t connected with Dan.
Ivy: Well he better hurry up and get back from Europe so I can officially be your girlfriend.

Rufus: Dan, you’re my son and we have to find a way to put this behind us, but… when it comes to Ivy, you’re way out of line. I’m an adult. And you need to respect my decision to be with her.
Dan: Being with her is the adult decision? Throughout my entire life you have portrayed yourself as the moral compass, the guy who always does the right thing. According to Rufus Humphrey, there’s no road like the high road.
Rufus: Yes. I believe in doing the right thing.
Dan: So can’t you see what you’re doing with your life? Your whole “thing” is a lie. At least I wrote the truth. And the truth which, by the way, is a defense against libel, so you’ve got no case.
Rufus: Case? I don’t want a case! I just wanna have a real conversation with my son. So let me know if you see him around.
Dan: I will. I gotta go.

Ivy: That didn’t sound like it went very well.
Rufus: Did you leak news that I was threatening to sue my son?

Ivy: I only did it because I wanted to protect you. No one ever stands up for you. I thought if I threatened a a lawsuit on Gossip Girl The Spectator would have to retract Dan’s piece.
Rufus: Standing up for me is one thing. But you shouldn’t interfere in matters between me and my son.

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Where the Vile Things Are

Ivy: Well honestly, I’ve slept so much better since you found out that Lola returned the money from Cece’s estate to me. I’m really sorry I kept that a secret from you.
Rufus: I’m just glad everything’s out in the open and you have the money to save the gallery in time for tonight’s opening.
Ivy: I’m so excited it’s happening. Are there any last details you want me to take care of?
Rufus: Well we need to give the caterer a final head count. Do you remember how many RSVPs we had?
Ivy: I never checked. But I’m sure everyone’s coming. {she checks} Ah, this can’t be right. They’re all regrets.

Rufus: Ivy can afford any painting she wants.
Lily: Oh with what money? I know it’s not yours.
Rufus: You’re right. It’s Cece’s.

Lily: And you remain a kept man.
Rufus: I never thought I would say this, Lil, but Ivy’s right. You brought this on yourself.

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Save the Last Chance

Dan: I’m here to make amends with you and Ivy.
Rufus: I’m happy you want to make amends, son, but I owe you an apology as well. Looks like you were right about Ivy. I was a fool for trusting her.

Lily: What in the world are you doing here?
Rufus: I know I said I wouldn’t help you but I changed my mind. {he hands her the microfilm}

Lily: What made you change your mind?
Rufus: Ivy’s not who I thought she was. I know. I should have been tipped off by the whole “pretending to be your niece” thing.
Lily: Well. You always believe the best in people. It’s your virtue and your downfall.
Rufus: I still see the best in you, Lil. After everything we’ve been through it’s probably safe to say that we won’t be together again. But we were family for a long time. And that means something. I’d really like peace between us.

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It’s Really Complicated

Rufus: I guess I’m just surprised you haven’t learned by now.
Dan: Learned? Learned what?
Rufus: That we Humphrey men don’t stand a real chance when it comes to van der Woodsen women.
Dan: Is this the speech where you tell me we’re from different worlds? Because you know I wrote the book. Two actually.
Rufus: Women like Lily and Serena are never gonna respect guys like us. All the love songs I wrote Lily made no difference. Poetry isn’t what she wants. No matter how much we love Lily and Serena they’re always gonna choose guys like Bart Bass.
Dan: So maybe the trick is to become Bart Bass.
Rufus: Yeah but neither of us could ever do that. And that’s a good thing. Bart’s cold and calculating. A reptile.
Dan: Yeah well that snake is spending Thanksgiving with Lily, and you’re not.

Rufus: They kicked you out, didn’t they? I saw your piece on Serena. You let me off easy by comparison.
Dan: All I did was tell the truth.
Rufus: Your truth. Everybody has a version. A way of delivering it. It wouldn’t have been my choice.
Dan: Well maybe that’s why Lily doesn’t respect you.
Rufus: So this is how you become Bart Bass?
Dan: I did what I had to do. And tonight for the first time they weren’t looking down on me. They might’ve hated me, but I was one of them.
Rufus: Congratulations. I guess. So now that you’ve achieved that you can come back to Brooklyn.
Dan: What I want isn’t in Brooklyn, Dad. I have a plan. I have this whole time. And it’s working.

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