Gossip Girl Rufus Humphrey

Season 5

2011.09.26    

Matthew Settle

Yes, Then Zero

Dan: Dad! What are you doing here? I thought you’d still be in London helping Jenny set up St. Martin’s.
Rufus: She and Eric kicked me out when I didn’t know who Sierra Burton was, so I came back here early and thought I’d spend some time with you.

Dan: It’s Blair’s Save the Date.
Rufus: You’re not happy. You guys are still friends, right?
Dan: Yeah. Friends. I wonder if she invited Chuck.
Rufus: If he’s anywhere that FedEx can reach.

Rufus: I don’t get it, why would Vanessa steal your story?
Dan: To teach me a lesson. Let’s just hope I’m wrong. Which {checks the manuscript} I’m not.

Dan: Hey, what’s going on?
Rufus: Lily has another meeting with the decorator. She’s redecorated so many times that it looks exactly the same.

Rufus: Thanks for letting me read it. I’m just a little confused. I expected something negative about Blair but in fact it was quite the opposite.

Dan: So now I just have to make sure the book that chapter comes from never sees the light of day.
Rufus: There’s a whole book?

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The Jewel of Denial

Rufus: I just got the call. You are officially a free woman.
Lily: Oh my god, Rufus. Is this for real?
Rufus: One hundred percent. Your ankle monitor was deactivated an hour ago.

Rufus: No phones. I like this party already.

Rufus: To my beautiful wife, her freedom, and the end of the ankle bracelet.

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Memoirs of an Invisible Dan

Nate: What are you guys doing here?
Blair: We must have all gotten the same text from Dan.
Rufus: The last time he was this secretive he showed up with a baby.
Chuck: Don’t worry, you’re not about to become a grandfather. Though Dan is about to give birth in another way.
Serena walking in: Okay, I’m pretty sure this is how every murder mystery begins.

Dan: Hey, everyone. Thank you so much for coming.
Serena: I only have five minutes.
Blair: This better be really important.
Nate: What is this all about?
Lily: Is everything all right?
Charlie: This isn’t about me, right?
Rufus: Yeah. What’s going on, Dan?
Chuck: This is going to be fun.

Dan: I want to make it clear: this book is a work of fiction. And after you read it I hope you’ll feel good enough about it—and me—that, uh, you’ll come to this book party tonight. The publisher is announcing that I’m the author, so…
Nate: Yeah. Of course we’ll be there.
Dan: Well read it first. And then decide, because, you know, I didn’t have the chance to make changes and there were some instances where it’s not exactly how I would have wanted it.
Rufus: Well an artist never feels his work is perfect. It’s good to always strive for more. I am so proud of you, son.

Dan: Hey Dad.
Rufus: Your reviews. I guess you have a lot of reading to do today.

Dan: Is everything okay?
Rufus: Well last night was your big night. I didn’t want to ruin it for you.
Dan: Well it kind of went down on its own. What’s going on? Did you not like the book?
Rufus: Of course I did, you’re a beautiful writer. It just… broke my heart.
Dan: Dad.
Rufus: I gave up my career to raise you and I never regretted it, not once. Until yesterday when I read what you really think about it. A has-been turned trophy husband who married for money.
Dan: No, that is not what I think of you. You more than anybody should understand artistic license.
Rufus: I never expected to be your hero. I just didn’t think I’d end up the fool.

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The Fasting and the Furious

Rufus: I’ll make dinner tonight and we can hear all about your first day.
Lily: You don’t want to go to the break fast at the Waldorf’s?
Rufus: Not really in the mood.
Lily: Oh. Isn’t that ironic. The state lifts my house arrest and you lock yourself up.

Lily: You know the only way you’re going to get out of this funk is to sit down and listen to what he has to say.
Rufus: I’m not ready yet.

Rufus: Since I’m feeling a little raw on the family front, if Eleanor refers to you as Lily Bass again I can’t promise I won’t return fire.
Lily: I dragged you here, and you have my full blessing to go Sean Penn if need be.

Lily: Well I bet you never thought you’d hear such good parenting advice from Blair Waldorf.
Rufus: It’s time to let my anger go and return Dan’s calls. I mean if he didn’t piss me off it would just mean he wasn’t growing up.
Lily: That is the Rufus Humphrey that I love.

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I Am Number Nine

Dan: Number nine. Inside by Daniel Humphrey. What did Lincoln Hawk’s first single debut at?
Rufus: Eight. Ah, but don’t pay too much attention to that stuff that was the 90s.

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The Big Sleep No More

Rufus: People who still go to book stores are real readers. They don’t care if a book’s on some best-whatever list.
Dan: Yeah, it seems that way. Turn out’s been great.

Lily: What’s going on? Is Dan okay?
Rufus: I’m not sure. That was his agent Alessandra. She said he missed his book signing in Boston yesterday and he didn’t check into Burlington either. She can’t find him anywhere.

Rufus: I know Dan. It’s not like him to skip out on an obligation.
Lily: And I know you. What time would you like to leave for Boston?
Rufus: The Morris Miner’s in the parking lot in Brooklyn. It’ll be faster to drive.

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All the Pretty Sources

Dan: “As for number two, in high school D. got left off the list because no one knew who he was. Now it’s because they know too well. Looks like Lonely Boy needs to change his name to Banished Boy.” {Lily and Rufus laugh} Really, guys? Thank you for the support.
Lily: Well listen, I mean at least they’re still talking about you. If they weren’t I’d start worrying.
Dan: Well that might happen soon since Inside is off the bestsellers list.

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Rhodes to Perdition

Rufus: That’s it. I stayed quiet while you crashed bridal showers and skipped out of book tours. I was hoping with enough time and support you’d realize that even though your book didn’t do as well as you’d hoped, you still had your whole future ahead of you. Being a shut-in is not bouncing back.
Dan: I was defending my honor.
Rufus: It’s time to leave Inside behind. And go outside.

Lily: Rufus and I have a small gift for you.
Rufus: Opening night, I tracked it down for you.
Cece: How surprisingly thoughtful. If I had any memory of that night I’m sure it would be fond.

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Riding in Town Cars with Boys

Lily: Just because Carol made a mockery of her own debut does not mean Charlie should be cheated out of the experience.
Rufus: Yeah, she hired Karen Finley to go in her place and when Carol’s name was called, Karen walks out wearing nothing but chocolate and a pillbox hat.
Lily: Now I’m a Karen Finley fan, but it was a bit much. We were barred from the Plaza for years.

Dan: Blair’s getting married and having a baby with Louis. And if she wasn’t with Louis she’d be with Chuck, not me.
Rufus: Maybe. Even if Blair doesn’t feel the same way, it might be worth it for you to tell her how you feel. At least so you can move on.

Charlie: This is all my fault.
Rufus: Of course it’s not. What are you talking about?
Charlie: I sent the Gossip Girl blast.

Lily: I just spoke to the doctor and the good news is Blair is awake and responsive.
Rufus: And Chuck?

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The End of the Affair?

Lily: I hoped that Charlie might surprise us with a visit. Or at least a call.
Rufus: She made it pretty clear that life on the Upper East Side was too much for her.
Lily: Well I can understand. With the press at her party and the paparazzi chasing Charles and Blair. But we were so close. I just wish she had said goodbye.

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Father and the Bride

Rufus: You guys are the new hot couple. You should enjoy it.
Dan: But we’re not dating. We’re just faking it to protect Blair’s engagement.
Rufus: Okay. I’m not even going to ask you to fill me in, instead I’m going to just assume there’s a long royal explanation.
Dan: You know me well. And Blair.

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G.G.

Dan: Once Blair and Louis say, “I do” then Serena and I can say we don’t anymore and go back to just being friends.
Rufus: Well at the very least this whole thing is probably a distraction from any Graduate thoughts you might have.
Dan: With Blair? No, any thoughts of her running off with me are long gone. If anyone’s in danger of pulling a Braddock, it’s not me, it’s Chuck.

Lily: When Rufus said he saw you I knew it must be true.
Rufus: Crashing one wedding wasn’t enough for you?
Georgina: I didn’t crash, I was invited. My invitation just got lost in the mail. I do live in Brooklyn now, after all. I mean it’s practically the Falklands.

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The Backup Dan

Dan: Don’t tell anyone I’m calling, and please don’t freak out, but I’m at the airport right now. With Blair. She’s going to the Dominican Republic to get a divorce.
Rufus: What are you talking about?
Dan: You just gotta trust me.

Rufus: I don’t think Blair should be dragging you into this.
Dan: She needs me, Dad. If you could see how upset she is you would understand. Please, please. Just stall them.

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Crazy, Cupid, Love

Dan: I was just coming by to pick up those Blurays I let Lily borrow. I thought maybe I could give them to Blair. I know she’s back from her honeymoon alone, so…
Rufus: So you figure that if you drop them off, maybe she’ll ask you to watch one with her.
Dan: Well cinema’s always been intended as a communal art. It’s better to watch with another person.
Rufus: She’s a married woman now, kid. It might be time to move on.
Dan: I appreciate the advice, Dad, but I’m just trying to be a good friend. Really. It doesn’t mean anything.

Charlie: I can’t believe Blair went through with her marriage to Louis. I really thought she was going to end up with Chuck.
Rufus: Yeah, between us I think she may have wanted to. Let’s just say, while love is a very complicated thing, so are pre-nups.

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Despicable B

Lily: I’m sorry you’re upset with me, but I think it’s time we put our petty fighting behind us and move on. What do you say?
Rufus: I’d say that doesn’t sound like a real apology.
Lily: Well I’m not sure I’m the one that needs to apologize.
Rufus: Oh, you think I am. For what?
Lily: Taking Ivy’s side. Paying her way behind my back.
Rufus: She was basically homeless.
Lily: That’s because the home she’d been living in was mine.
Rufus: That’s exactly right, Lil. It was yours. Not ours.

Rufus: You see what we’re doing here? All this fighting and finger-pointing? I thought we were in this together. But you do whatever you feel like.
Lily: Oh, I could say the same thing about you.
Rufus: This isn’t the way a marriage is supposed to be—who’s wrong, who’s right. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that we’re in a partnership.
Lily: I couldn’t agree more.
Rufus: Then how about you give me a call when you’re ready to be a partner again.

Dan: Do I need to remind you that Lily is still your wife?
Rufus: Don’t tell me you’re on her side.
Dan: No, I’m not on any side. But you gave me some very good advice recently on the importance of equality in a relationship and if Lily is taking steps to make things better, how can you not at least try to do the same. That’s all.

Rufus: You know I thought we’d grown together, but if this is who you want to be I don’t want to have anything to do with it.
Lily: Rufus, are you saying you’d like a divorce? Because where exactly are you going to find some Upper East Side woman to take care of you the way I have?
Rufus: Spoken like a true Rhodes.

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Raiders of the Lost Art

 

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The Fugitives

 

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The Return of the Ring

Dan: Have you heard from Lily?
Rufus: No. Nothing.

Rufus: Lily and Bart never got divorced so technically they’re still married.
Dan: Wait. Wait. What?
Rufus: One of Lily’s marriages has to be annulled. I need to make sure it’s not mine. I gotta go.

Bart: Rufus. You’re looking well. I see your transition from Brooklyn to the big time has done you wonders.
Rufus: I’m not here for small talk. I just need you to sign these annulment papers.
Bart: So. Lily has chosen to end our marriage in order to save yours.
Rufus: She made her choice three years ago when she decided to leave you for me. Nothing’s changed since then.
Bart: Maybe I have. All that time in hiding made me realize what’s really important.
Rufus: What does that mean exactly?
Bart: If Lily’s happiness depends on my signature on these, you will have them by the end of the day.

Lily: How dare you have annulment papers drawn up behind my back.
Rufus: I tried to call you, you didn’t answer. I wanted to give us a chance to work things out before Bart started causing problems.
Lily: Our problems long pre-date Bart’s return. You haven’t spoken to me in weeks. You’ve had no interest in working on our marriage until you saw this as a competition with him.

Lily: Well at least an annulment will be better than a messy divorce.
Rufus: Are you sure about this?
Lily: I can only have one marriage. This just isn’t one anymore.

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