Gossip Girl Lily van der Woodsen

Season 4


Kelly Rutherford

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Belles de Jour

Bruce Caplan: So you have no idea where he is?
Lily: Well Charles didn’t exactly leave town on good terms and even when he does he finds it best not to tell us where he’s going. For our own sakes.
Bruce Caplan: Well I need your help finding him this time. And fast. He hasn’t paid the mortgage on the Empire since May.
Lily: That’s when he left.
Bruce Caplan: Yeah, well the bank says one more missed payment he’ll be in default.

Rufus: Jenny looks so good. You could even tell what color her eyes are.
Lily: Well sending her to Hudson was a good decision.

Lily: I wanted to know if you or Blair had heard from Charles.
Serena: No, and I don’t expect to. It’s actually decent of him, leaving her alone.
Lily: Poor Blair. She’s still hurting?
Serena: Yeah. But she’s putting up a good front. And I wouldn’t worry about Chuck. Any normal summer he’s drunk on some island where polygamy’s legal.

Lily: How are you?
Serena: I’m not sure. I got into Columbia.
Lily: Sweetheart, that’s wonderful.
Serena: Yeah, but I’m not sure Blair will think so.

Lily: You don’t have to stick around if you don’t want to.
Rufus: Oh, you think I’d skip out on a room full of champagne and models. Are you forgetting I used to be a rock star?

Rufus: Why do you have Chuck’s travel itinerary, bank statements and credit card bills?
Lily: Because I think he might be in trouble.
Rufus: After what he did, good.

Lily: Look, for better or worse he’s a part of this family.

Nate: Oh god, this is not good.
Lily: Georgina, to what do we owe the pleasure?
Georgina to the waiter: You have 15 seconds to top me off or you’re fired.

Georgina: At least now everybody’s talking.
Lily: Oh please. You’re enjoying this.

Lily answering the phone: It’s from France. Hello? … Yes this is she. … Oh my god, is it Serena? Is she okay? … Okay, I will.
Rufus: What? What is it?
Lily: A body washed up in Paris shot. The identification they found says it’s Charles Bass.

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Double Identity

Lily: Now whatever you might believe, your son is in Brooklyn struggling to take care of a baby. So you can sit here and brood all by yourself or you can come with me and help turn Jenny’s room into a nursery so that child has a proper place to sleep.

Lily: Surprise. It’s time for an Extreme Nursery Makeover.

Lily: Rufus, enough conspiracy theories! Look, the closest you’ve been to medical school is having a Lincoln Hawk song licensed for Chicago Hope.

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The Undergraduates

Lily: Hello?
Rufus: I’m dreading this. As much as the truth might be a relief it’s also the toughest thing he’ll ever have to face.
Lily: Well just be prepared. Who knows how he’ll react. He may not even believe you.
Rufus: Genetics don’t lie, even though some doctors who administer paternity tests do.

Chuck: I’m sorry for what happened with Jenny. She was in a bad place. I could have helped her, instead I just used her pain for my own self-destruction.
Lily: Thank you for the apology. And welcome home. Please don’t disappear again.
Chuck: I don’t intend to. I just hope everyone’s as relieved to see me as you are.
Lily: Well let’s not ask for too much right off the bat, shall we?

Lily: You have every right to be upset with him, but we can’t undo what’s already been done. He’s trying to make amends, take responsibility. What else is there? He met this woman who’s had a big impact on him. You can see for yourself how much. I invited them to the party tomorrow night. And I would appreciate if you would just give them both a chance.
Rufus: Well, Jenny keeps telling me it wasn’t his fault. Maybe it’s time I believed her.

Juliet: Whatever twisted frenemy-slash-ex-boyfriend situation you have going on, Serena, it has nothing to do with me. I told you that the alumni committee makes the decisions—
Serena: You seriously thought we wouldn’t know anyone on the committee?
Juliet: You can’t. That’s the secret part of a secret committee.
Lily: Unless the keymaster misbehaves. Half of the board members of Bass Industries are alumni. One phonecall confirmed the obvious. That Serena has always been at the top of the list. Congratulations darling. to Juliet: Key please.

Lily: I love you Charles. And if Eva is everything you say she is, I think she will too.

Touch of Eva

Lily: You two look gorgeous!
Serena: Thank you. So do you. Though I do question your manila evening bag.
Lily: Oh, well, the Paris police sent me Charles’ effects about a week ago. Money clip, passport, you know I just keep forgetting.
Serena: His valet is right over there. He’ll drop it off in Chuck’s suite for you.

Lily: Charles, thank you for a lovely evening. I am so proud of you. And I had Ivan put your things in your room.
Chuck: What things?
Lily: Um… the package from the Paris police. Your personal effects. Passport, what they sent last week.

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Easy J

Lily: After Serena left this afternoon I bought Colin’s book. And in chapter 16 it talks about reverse psychology. Nothing I’ve done so far has gotten through so I thought I’d try something new.

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War at the Roses

Rufus: I was happy with eating Shun Lee out of a carton, Lil. This is all just very Upper East Side.
Lily: I know you think you’re rock and roll, but you are wearing a two thousand dollar jacket.

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The Witches of Bushwick

Serena: You could at least try to hide your disappointment.
Lily: Well I have nothing to hide, I simply want to put this behind us.
Serena: Even if I have to wear a scarlet letter for something I didn’t do?

Lily: Dean Reuther, I’m sorry you have to disrupt your day with such trivial matters.
Dean Reuther: It’s hardly trivial, Mrs. Humphrey. I’m sure you saw the wall of paparazzi at the campus gates.
Lily: Well I assure you none of us is interested in this kind of media attention. I hope you’ll let our family make it up to you with an endowment. Maybe you could use it to build a moat around the school—keep out the press.

Dean Reuther: I’m sorry, Serena, I have to look at the bigger picture. It’s no longer just your education that’s being disrupted.
Lily: Well I’m sure you realize that Serena was accepted at other Ivy League institutions.
Serena: Mom, please—
Dean Reuther: Well getting out of the city is probably your best course of action. We can refund her tuition and I am happy to facilitate a transfer.
Lily: I think you misunderstood me. Serena chose Columbia. And despite your judgment, she is the victim here. And I’m sure the Times would love to do an article about a dean who tolerates professors in power positions exploiting female students.
Dean Reuther: Well I hope you’ll consider my offer.

Serena: I think Dean Reuther was actually trembling. You were very impressive.
Lily: I was, wasn’t I?

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Rufus: Have you heard from Serena?
Eric: No, ah, she hasn’t responded to any of my texts. And granted most of them included angry emoticons but I was actually thinking of going over to Blair’s now to talk to her.
Lily: You will do no such thing.
Rufus: Come on Lil. It’s the holidays.
Lily: She dropped out of college, she refuses to return our phone calls. She’s a grown woman throwing temper tantrums just to punish me. When she is ready to take responsibility for her actions we’ll talk. Until then, you know what, I’m done being punished.

Lily walking in: Oh! Blair, Dorota. What are you doing here?
Blair: Just bringing a little tradition. I’m spending the holidays with Daddy and Roman in Paris. I figured since we usually spend this day together that, you know, um… Is Serena here?
We thought she was with you.
Blair: No, I haven’t seen her since Chuck’s party. She never came home.
Eric: Okay, alright. Now I’m worried.
Lily: Charles?
Chuck: She’s not at The Empire.
Lily: Well then where the hell is she?

Rufus: All they could tell us is what we already know. She dialed 911 from a motel in Queens and that drugs were involved.
Lily: What are we supposed to do?
Rufus: For now? Just be here when she wakes up.
Lily: I’m going to go get a cup of coffee.

Dr. Keller: Mrs. Humphrey? I’m Dr. Keller. It wa a drug overdose but it wasn’t severe. We have her on fluids right now but her liver and kidneys look fine.
Lily: Ah.
Rufus: What now?
Dr. Keller: Well she’s stable so as soon as she wakes up we’ll have to discharge her. I was wondering if you wanted to discuss a place for her recovery. I understand your family had a good experience with the Ostroff Center.
Lily: Well she’s not a drug addict.
She didn’t mean to harm herself, this was all sort of a stupid mistake, and as you said yourself it wasn’t severe.
Dr. Keller: The amount ingested isn’t what worries me. In addition to the painkillers and sleeping pills we found
Nortriptyline in her motel room. It’s an anti-depressant. But taken in conjunction with the other medications it can be fatal. Was your daughter battling depression?
Lily: No.
Rufus: Not that we’re aware of.
Dr. Keller: I’ll give you a minute.

Lily: You think she was taking something and not telling us?
Rufus: I don’t know.

Eric: How you feeling?
Serena: Betrayed. Thanks.
Lily: Serena, I know right now—
Serena: Mom, stop. Your daughter wakes up alone. Drugged. In an empty motel room. And you don’t call the cops, you don’t ask if she’s okay or what happened. You just have her committed. What kind of mother does that?
Lily: The kind of mother who wants her daughter safe.
Serena: Is that what you’re telling yourself—that this is what’s best for me?
Lily: Well Serena this isn’t exactly what’s best for me. You know it would be a lot easier to take you home and act like this never happened. But I’m afraid for you.

Lily: Daniel, stay here for just a moment. You may not agree with every decision I make regarding my daughter’s well being but you have no right to intervene. I am her mother. I know her much better then you do. And I have been there for certain parts of her life that you have no idea about.
Dan: Really? Which parts are those? Because from the way Serena tells it, it sounds like I’ve clocked more hours by her side than you have.
Lily: Look, I love you. You know that. And you have a big heart, just like your father. And just like him you tend to see the good in everyone no matter what they do.
Dan: Well not always.
Lily: She’s not just the beautiful teenage girl you saw at some party anymore. She’s a troubled young woman avoiding some very real consequences. And unless you want to help her deal with those, then I suggest you step out of the way so that I can.
Dan: With all due respect, maybe I am only seeing the good in Serena, but I’m at least I’m looking at her and not at myself.
Lily: And what is that supposed to mean?
Dan: You committed her because you don’t want to deal with her. You don’t even want to talk to her. Why?
Lily: Well maybe I’m afraid of what she might say. Maybe… what she did was a cry for help and I’m the only one that didn’t hear it.
Dan: Well I… I don’t know. But if that is the case you should know, and if it’s not then we really should find out what happened. But regardless the only way to find out is to sit and talk.

Lily: Do you know that once upon a time Thanksgiving was my favorite holiday?
Rufus: I guess we should know better at this point.

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The Townie

Lily: Oh my god, that was punishing.
Chuck: I think my face actually hurts from smiling so much. Drink?
Lily: Please. It’s barely after noon but we’ve earned it.
Chuck: Serena only came up once.
Lily: Yes, and I kept my promise to Eric to tell the truth. She is exhausted. I know I am.

Rufus: It’s a little early in the day for that, don’t you think? Things not go well?
Lily: No, actually. The interview was, um, fine.

Lily: Eric, somewhere between a Marlins jersey and the absolute truth lies the better part of decorum.

Lily: I apologize, Charles. It seems that my biological children don’t understand that when business is at stake, you need to leave your dirty laundry in the hamper.
Serena: Is that what Ben Donovan was to you? Dirty laundry.
Rufus: Who’s Ben Donovan?
Serena: He was my boarding school teacher. Mom falsely accused him of statutory rape. So now he’s serving time for a crime he didn’t commit.
Lily: Is that what the Ostroff Center calls treatment these days? Public scenes and false accusations.
Serena: Juliet is Ben’s sister. She told me everything. So please, no more lying. What happened?
Lily: You wanted to come home and I wanted you here. But when Constance saw your records from Knightly they wouldn’t take you back. And it was the same with all the decent schools. And I was worried about your future so I went to Knightly and talked to the administration.
Serena: Of course you did.
Lily: Well when I was on campus there were some girls gossiping about you. They said that you had spent the night at a bed and breakfast with one of your teachers.
Serena: That was just gossip.
Lily: Well it was gossip I could use to our advantage. I expressed my concern to the school that one of their teachers was having an inappropriate relationship with my underage daughter.
Serena: So you sent Ben to prison so that I could go to Constance?
Lily: Well no! Of course not. But after I left the school alerted the authorities and then , I didn’t know what I had set in motion until I was contacted by the D.A. and by then it was too late.
Serena: What? Too late to tell the truth? So you just destroy a man’s life all so that you can keep up appearances?
Lily: No, I did this for you! For your future. Look, it’s not like Mr. Donovan was guilt-free. He shouldn’t have been having an affair with a student.
Serena: But he didn’t do anything. Nothing ever happened.
Lily: Serena, you don’t have to protect him.
Serena: I’m not protecting him. He never touched me, Mom. You sent an innocent man to prison.
Chuck: Look, everyone here has crossed a line to protect someone they care about. Sometimes there’s collateral damage.
Rufus: It’s not so easy when you’re the collateral damage. Maybe it’s time to put everything on the table. Lily, do you have something you need to tell Chuck?
Lily: Well if there was something I wanted to tell Charles I would have told him.
Rufus: Lily’s selling Bass Industries.
Lily: It’s all very complicated. I had to talk to the board first.
Chuck: I trusted you with my father’s company. I want it back. Immediately.
Lily: Do you really think the board would allow me to give the company to someone who just disappeared for three months? Your instability is the reason that I ended up in charge in the first place.
Chuck: I won’t let you do this, Lily.

Lily: Serena, I’m so sorry. Please believe me. You have to.
Serena: I don’t have to do anything for you ever again.

Lily: I… I didn’t want to hurt anyone, Rufus. I really thought I was helping.
Rufus: I’m sorry, Lily. I don ‘t know that I believe that anymore.

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The Kids Are Not All Right

Rufus: I’m sorry for ambushing you guys, but we need to start talking again. Dan. How’s that internship search going?
Lily: Oh, that’s right. Maybe I can help. I can call one of my friends at Condé Nast.
Serena: Hm. Maybe you could forge a signature on the cover letter.
Lily: Serena.
Dan: This talking thing’s going great.
Serena: What I want to know is how many times you got your hair done this week while an innocent man sat in prison.
Eric: Serena—
Lily: Contrary to what you might believe, I am handling this in a way that is best for this family, and we’re not going to discuss it anymore.
Serena: Okay. {she gets up.}

Rufus: She’ll come around. Just give her time.
Lily: Thank you for trusting me.

Lily: Judge Stephens, hi. I hope you enjoyed your time in the city. But you can return to the ranch now. I’ll take it from here.

Lily: Well I’m just curious, what were you hoping to find?
Chuck: A way to stop you from disposing of the last remaining bit of my father.
Lily: Is that what you think I’m doing?
Chuck: Why else would you be selling Bass Industries.
Lily: Because it’s in trouble, Charles.
Chuck: What are you talking about?
Lily: You read the paper. Real estate. Hotels. Even in Manhattan, no one’s impervious.
Chuck: Why wouldn’t you tell me?
Lily: Because I thought we could ride it out. Refinance or something. I was hoping we could turn it around and I wouldn’t have to tell you. But then you disappeared and by the time you got back, it was an inevitability.
Chuck: You expect me just to accept this? Go on with my day?
Lily: If I sell now I can control how we sell it and to whom. There’s a private buyer that’s made a very generous offer. The company will stay intact and so will your father’s name. And the money from the sale will give you a chance to build a future. And who knows, maybe even buy it back some day.

Lily: The important thing is that you believe me when I tell you I don’t want your father’s legacy to die. I’m trying to save what’s left of it.

Lily: Why aren’t you dressed?
Eric: Uh… shirt, pants. Yeah, I’m dressed.
Lily: Look, I know you disapprove of me, but can’t you please do so in a tuxedo?

Lily: Dan, when you see Serena please tell her to stop whatever it is she’s planning on doing before she destroys our family.

Rufus: So. Russell Thorpe seems nice.
Lily: Oh my god! It’s not just his disloyalty or deviousness, it’s his pomposity.
Rufus: And the fact that you slept with him?

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Damien Darko

Lily: Well at least one of our kids appreciates me.
Rufus: Lily.
Lily: I get Ben out on parole but Serena and Eric continue to treat me like I’m toxic.
Rufus: I know you did what you could, but Ben’s still going to have a criminal record. Give them time.
Lily: Everything I do or have ever done is for my children. And someday they’ll realize that. {pause} Right?
Rufus: Mm.
Lily: Hm.

Lily: Jonathan, how are you? I haven’t seen you since you—
Jonathan: Eric and I broke up, probably.
Lily: Well not that I see my son much these days either. He’s been with Elliot nonstop since they got back from Stad. {Jonathan looks at her.} What?
Jonathan: Elliot broke up with Eric over the holidays. It’s all anyone was talking about the first day back at school.
Lily: But Eric slept at his place last night.

Lily: Where were you last night? And don’t say Elliot’s. I called over there and spoke to his mother.
Eric: I was with a friend.
Lily: Why didn’t you tell that you two me you broke up?
Eric: I didn’t want to share a huge fact from my life. I wonder where I got that gene from.

Serena: Well at least now I know why Ben lied. He doesn’t want to have anything to do with me because I’m the daughter of the person that ruined the last three years of his life and is trying to ruin the rest of it.
Lily: Thirty thousand dollars would hardly ruin his life.
Rufus: You said you were going to help find Ben an apartment, not pay him to disappear.
Eric: Mom paid someone off again. Well we should make this a drinking game.
Lily: Ben Donovan has information that can ruin this family. What’s wrong with not wanting him around?

Panic Roommate

It-Girl Happened One Night

Lily: Well, I hope hosting this brunch proves to you once and for all I have the company’s best interests at heart.
Chuck: And also elegantly forces the enemy to come to you.
Lily: Yes. Sun-Tzu is right beside Emily Post on my bookshelf.

Lily: I’m sorry. Love, Actually and the Jacques Torres fondue will have to wait. I just got off the phone with Pete Holmberg. There was an emergency meeting of the Bass board. I’m being accused of an ethics violation and conflict-of-interest.
Rufus: Stand up for yourself. Don’t let Thorpe get away with that.
Lily: It wasn’t Thorpe, it was Charles. He had me removed from the board effective immediately.
Rufus: What are you going to do?
Lily: I don’t know what deal he cut with Thorpe but it is not the way to win.

Lily: Why did you have me fired?
Chuck: You should have told me about your relationship with Russell.
Lily: If you were so concerned why didn’t you ask me about it? It has no bearing on my performance at Bass Industries.
Chuck: How can you be sure? Maybe your emotions clouded your judgment. It wouldn’t be the first time. What? We both know you’re a socialite, not a business woman. You traded musicians for titans of industry. Upgraded from a tour bus to a corporate jet. I’m sorry, but I had to.
Lily: I’ve done nothing but tried to salvage that company for you. I stepped in so Jack wouldn’t take it away. And every day since I have fought for your future. If we had stuck together on this, we would have won.
Chuck: It looks like I did anyway.
Lily: No you haven’t, Charles, you’ve lost. And I’m not talking about your battle with Thorpe.

Chuck: You almost cost me my company. You better not have cost me Reina.
Lily: Whatever price you pay for what you have done, that’s on you.

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While You Weren’t Sleeping

Eric: I wished for chills on my birthday but not thanks to the flu. Well, looks like I’ll be ushering in adulthood with warm tea and flat ginger ale.
Lily: We’ll have to celebrate another time. Ugh, I need to get to this meeting. Get some rest, okay? And I’ll call everyone when I get home and cancel the party.
Rufus: How’s the patient? Do I need to change my breakfast with [Thurston]?
Lily: No. He’s going to be fine. I wish I could say the same about this meeting.
Rufus: Stay strong. I know you’ll do great.

Chuck: Thanks for coming. I’ve requested a quiet table—
Lily: Oh, I’m not staying. I only came to tell you to stop calling me.
Chuck: Lily, I know I said some terrible things, but let me explain.
Lily: I’ve tolerated a lot from you over the years. But nothing could justify the humiliation that you put me through on Valentine’s Day.
Chuck: Russell Thorpe is setting me up.
Lily: I don’t care what Russell was doing behind the scenes. That’s no excuse for the things you said to me.
Chuck: I can’t believe you’re on his side. This guy’s trying to destroy our company.
Lily: Your company. You had me fired. I’m done trying to protect the Bass legacy. Russell will make a marvelous owner.
Chuck: What is it with this guy? Do you still have feelings for him?
Lily: Please, I’m a married woman.
Chuck: Didn’t stop you from cheating on my father. I’m sure you’d do the same to Rufus. {she slaps him.}
Lily: Goodbye Charles.

Chuck: The slap was a nice touch. Oscar-worthy.
Lily: Yes, well it was surprisingly satisfying.
Chuck: Lily, once again, I’m sorry. I feel like a fool for ever believing Russell over you.
Lily: Well let’s just hope it’s not long before he’s the one feeling foolish.

Lily: A kid’s theme is perfect for the party. Eric’s always been so serious and grown up. This is his last grasp at childhood.

Russell: I hope you know I never meant for you to become collateral damage in this acquisition.
Lily: Oh, of course. I remember how important it was for you to keep your personal life and business separate.
Russell: You always understood me.

Rufus: I kind of like this double-agent thing you have going on.

Lily: What are you doing? Do you realize how gauche it is to open gifts at a party? Before dessert!
Eric: I was just so excited to have an addition to my stock portfolio.

Rufus: You think I’m a fool? I know what went on between the two of you. And it looks like it’s still going.
Lily: Please. This is not the time.
Rufus: You’re the one who invited him to Eric’s eighteenth birthday party.
Russell: Actually I was just leaving.
Lily: You know, some men know how to behave appropriately at social events. Russell, I’m so sorry. I’ll call you later.

Lily: You know you’re not so bad at that double-agent thing yourself.
Rufus: Think he bought it?

Lily: I’m relieved you’re not going to overdose. But you should have come to me with this.
Eric: I just, I didn’t want to worry you. I wanted to fix my mistake.
Lily: The only mistake was mine. When I forged Serena’s signature.
Serena: Wow. That’s the first time you’ve admitted it was wrong.
Lily: Well it seemed right at the time, but I know it wasn’t. And as much as I appreciate you both trying to protect me, I can’t allow anyone else to pay for what I did.

Serena: Did anyone else see Vanessa or am I having ether flashbacks?
Eric: It’s probably the latter. Although I did notice Blair wearing two different shoes.
Lily: And Ben.
Serena: He came. But then he turned right around and left.
Lily: Are you so sure about that?

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Empire of the Son

Rufus: We’ll get through this.
Lily: You sound so sure I almost believe you.
They’re ready for us.
Rufus: I’ll be waiting.
Lily, this is Assistant District Attorney Vincent. He’s going to be taking your statement.
ADA Vincent: Whenever you’re ready, Mrs. Humphrey.

Lily: Someone who knows about Ben is trying to send a message.
Chuck: Subtle. It’s Russell, I’m assuming. We spoke this morning. He told me our victory party was premature.

Lily: Ben didn’t steal the affidavit. You did.
Cynthia: Mr. Thorpe contacted me and said that if I could get Ben to turn on you then he could get Ben his life back. Of course he didn’t listen, but it didn’t matter. Because he’d already let it slip. About the affidavit.
Lily: Ben will never forgive you for what you’ve done.
Cynthia: Well as parents, sometimes we have to make those tough choices. After all, isn’t that what you told yourself?

Russell: No. He signs over the company right now or you’re going to jail.
Lily: Maybe. But not because of you or anyone else. I called the DA ten minutes ago. Rufus is waiting in the car to take me downtown.

Lily: Just promise me one thing. Before Thorpe leaves here tonight, tell that son-of-a-bitch where he can stick it.
Chuck: Thank you. For saving his legacy.
Lily: Bass Industries isn’t his legacy, Charles. You are.

Lily: I know it doesn’t make up for anything—far from it. But it’s a start. A fresh start.
Ben: Thank you.

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The Kids Stay in the Picture

Cece: Oh darling! Oh you look lovely in your mug shot. It was smart of you to turn yourself in so you could make sure your hair was done.
Lily: Yes mother. That’s why I did it.

Lily: I can’t believe you asked Carol here without clearing it with me first.
Cece: What’s to ask? You’re her sister! And besides, I knew you’d say no.

Lily: Rufus! We found leg warmers! […] No, I’m not drunk.

Lily: For gods sake, Carol. It’s a necklace, not a heroin needle.

Lily: Of course Mother paid you to be here. I am so foolish to think that you would have come because you cared.
Carol: Lily—

Lily: Finds out about what?
Cece: That I’m not happy with my hair. It’s too flat.
Lily: Mother, your hair is enormous.

Will: Lily, I did not sabotage the photo shoot. I hope that you realize that.
Lily: Oh, I’m not even sure I care if you did. I mean let’s face it, me, Cece and Carol all in the same room. The night was doomed to be apocalyptic.

Carol: I hope that Charlie speaks to me on the plane.
Lily: Serena says they had a great girls’ night. Probably just want she needed. In light of, you know, your decades of massive hypocrisy.

Lily: I did not reject you. All I ever wanted was your approval.
Carol: Well you got it now. Turning yourself in. Not giving a damn what people think. That’s my Lily.
Lily: Will you come visit me in prison?
Carol: I will smuggle you pot brownies.

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Petty in Pink

Lily: So is someone else bringing items for the gift bags?
Ann Archibald: I’m so sorry, Lily. Helping out was a lovely thought, but with the party for the breast cancer research foundation being tonight, we felt it would just be easier to do the gift bags at Blaine’s during prep.
Lily: Well, I’m disappointed, of course. But the success of the event is the priority.
Ann Archibald: Would you mind asking Vanya to send over the food? I would hate for it to go to waste. You know how Trumps love their tea sandwiches.

Lily: I’m surprised. I thought we were friends.
Anne: Why? You don’t know how to be a friend. You shut me out when I called off my divorce to the Captain. There’s not a woman in this room who didn’t take some pleasure in your downfall. Myself included. So enjoy the party, Lily. This will be your last. Oh, and you may want to adjust your dress. Your monitor’s showing.

Cop: Ma’am, you’re violating the terms of your incarceration by being down here.
Lily: Ah, there you are. It took you long enough.
Cop: I’m sorry?
Lily: My apartment is teeming with women throwing back champagne cocktails and toasting my misfortune. Honestly, it’s worth risking an orange jumpsuit not to have to face another Botox bitch and a pink cocktail dress.

Rufus: I am so sorry about tonight.
Lily: Don’t be. First of all, it was so sweet of you to move the party for me. And I needed to hear those things that Anne said. Fact is, maybe I could use a little time to reflect on my actions and what got me here. There is nothing more appealing to me than staying home with you and watching a hundred movies. And never seeing those women again.
Rufus: Oh good, because I can promise you that’s what we’ll do for the next nine months. Or six. With good behavior.

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The Princesses and the Frog


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The Wrong Goodbye

Rufus: He’s getting twenty years.
Chuck: Sounds fair. That’s how long he kept the secret.
Lily: Well I wouldn’t want to be in his shoes, I’ll tell you that.
Chuck: What about your shoes? When’s that happening?
Nate: Yeah. What are your plans for the summer, Mrs. Humphrey?
Lily: Well I’m going to be getting very pale. This thing doesn’t come off until the fall. Just in time to send my baby off to college.
Eric: Sarah Lawrence is like fifteen minutes. I don’t really think I need to be sent off. A light breeze could take me there.

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