Gossip Girl Gossip Girl (Narrator)

Season 1

2007.09.19    

Kristen Bell

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Pilot

Gossip Girl (Kristen Bell): Hey Upper East Siders. Gossip Girl here. And I have the biggest news ever. One of my many sources, Melanie91, sends us this: “Spotted at Grand Central, bags in hand: Serena van der Woodsen.” Was it only a year ago our It Girl mysteriously disappeared for “boarding school”? And just as suddenly, she’s back. Don’t believe me? See for yourselves. Lucky for us, Melanie91 sent proof. Thanks for the photo, Mel.

Gossip Girl: Spotted: Lonely Boy. Can’t believe the love of his life has returned. If only she knew who he was. But everyone knows Serena. And everyone is talking. Wonder what Blair Waldorf thinks. Sure, they’re BFF’s, but we always thought Blair’s boyfriend Nate had a thing for Serena.

Gossip Girl: Better lock it down with Nate, B. Clock’s ticking.

Gossip Girl: Word is that S bailed on B’s party in under ninety seconds. And didn’t even have one limoncello.

Gossip Girl: Has our bad girl really gone good? Or is it all just part of the act?

Gossip Girl: Why’d she leave? Why’d she return? Send me all the deets. And who am I? That’s the secret I’ll never tell. The only one. —XOXO. Gossip Girl.

Gossip Girl: Spotted on the steps of the Met: an S. and B. power struggle.Did S think she could waltz home and things would be just like they were? Did B think S would go down without a fight? Or can these two hotties work it out? There’s nothing Gossip Girl likes more than a good cat fight. And this could be a classic.

Gossip Girl: Spotted at The Palace Hotel: S and B having a heart-to-heart. Hm… why so thirsty, S? You may have won over B for now but we still think you’re hiding something.

Gossip Girl: And just when B and S had built a bridge, it all had to come crashing down. But dry your eyes. The Kiss on the Lips party is just around the corner. And you know who loves parties? Gossip Girl.

Gossip Girl: Looks like Little J might end up with a boy and a ticket to the inner circle. Or will he end up with another victim? I told you I love parties.

Gossip Girl: Spotted: Serena making a heroic exit from B’s party. Too bad for her there’s school on Monday. So until next time, you know you love me. Gossip Girl.

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The Wild Brunch

Gossip Girl: I bet you’re wondering what Gossip Girl is doing up so early. Truth is, I never went to bed. Why waste precious time dreaming when waking life is so much better?

GG: Serena’s visit was short. And apparently not very sweet. But you know what is? Revenge. We hear it’s best served cold. Who’s hungry?

GG: Looks like Chuck and Blair showed up with quite an appetite. For destruction, that is.

GG: Spotted: N and B, hot and heavy in the halls of the Palace Hotel. Sparks were flying for sure, but will it be a threeway or a D-Day?

GG: Some might call this a fustercluck, but on the Upper East Side, we call it Sunday afternoon.

GG: Well Serena’s mystery man is a mystery no longer. His name is— ugh, who cares? Now that he and S are over so are his 15 minutes.

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Poison Ivy

Gossip Girl: There’s plenty of upside to being the spawn of the fabulously wealthy. But the downside? Super successful parents expect nothing less from their offspring. And when it comes to college, that means the Ivys. It’s more than just getting into college, it’s setting a course for the rest of your life. And for those few who aren’t legacies, the pressures are no less. When parents have sacrificed for their children’s futures, what kid would want to let them down?

Gossip Girl: Hey Upper East Siders. We hear that World War III just broke out. And it’s wearing kneesocks. Choose your side or run and hide. We have a feeling this one’s to the death.

GG: Honesty may be the best policy in some ZIP codes, but not in this one. And not this week. Because “I was a teenage drug addict” is not exactly a winning college essay.

GG: Another bomb lands in Blair’s lap. Will she use it as ammunition or will she finally surrender and put down her arms?

GG: Spotted in Central Park: two white flags waving. Could an Upper East Side peace accord be far off?

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Bad News Blair

Gossip Girl: Hey Upper East Siders, there’s nothing Gossip Girl likes more than a surprise. And Blair has a two-for-one special.

GG: Doesn’t Chuck know a party isn’t a party until someone crashes?

Gossip Girl: Is that a smile we see on B’s lips? The spotlight’s on her for once and S helped her get it. I guess miracles can happen.

Gossip Girl: The rules for a model the day of a photo shoot are similar to those of a patient pre-surgery. No food or drink 12 hours prior, wear comfortable clothing, and make sure your affairs are in order. You never know what could go wrong in a flash.

Gossip Girl: You didn’t hear it from us, but in every girl’s life there comes a moment when she realizes that her mother just might be more messed up than she is.

Gossip Girl: This just in: S and B committing a crime of fashion. Who doesn’t love a five-finger discount. Especially if it’s the middle one.

Gossip Girl: Everyone knows you can’t choose your family but you can choose your friends. And in a world ruled by blood lines and bank accounts, it pays to have a pal. As much as a BFF can make you go WTF, there’s no denying we’d be a little less rich without them. And Serena and Blair? They do besties better then anyone. No, that’s not a tear in my eye. It’s just allergies. Without you, I’m nothing. —Gossip Girl

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Dare Devil

Gossip Girl: With Blair’s boyfriend Nate helping to close up the family yacht for the season, Blair is free to focus on the most important event of the Fall: her annual sleepover. A tradition since the year 2000, each one more decadent than the last. No expense—or reputation—is spared. With everything from trundle beds to truffles in place, all that’s missing is sleepover star and Waldorf BFF, Serena van der Woodsen.

Gossip Girl: Spotted on the steps of the Palace: Cinderella stepping onto a pumpkin instead of her carriage. Lucky for Lonely Boy there’s more than one fable filling our inbox.

Gossip Girl: Here’s an inside tip, Little J: the faster you rise, the harder you fall. Hope that Hello Kitty sleeping bag doubles as a parachute.

GG: Spotted fleeing dessert: S and Lonely Boy. Lighter than air and heading downtown.

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The Handmaiden’s Tale

Gossip Girl : Couture and canape are just another Saturday night until you add a mask. But preparing for a ball is an event in itself. Which is why queens invented handmaidens.

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Victor/Victrola

Gossip Girl: Looks like parents can be deceiving on both sides of the Bridge.

Gossip Girl: Looks like the pot calling the kettle black has young Bass boiling over. And if we know Chuck, he’s not one to let things lie. Someone pour that man a drink.

Gossip Girl: Spotted: Bass drunk off his ass.

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Seventeen Candles

Gossip Girl : Speak of the Devil and he doth appear. Wearing his trademark scarf.

Gossip Girl: Whoever thought monarchy was dead didn’t realize it just changed ZIP codes.

Gossip Girl: Spotted: B turning a year older but not necessarily wiser.

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Blair Waldorf Must Pie!

Gossip Girl: As per Gossip Girl’s Thanksgiving tradition, I’m trading my laptop for Stovetop. And for the next 16 hours the only thing I’m dishing is seconds. When the cat’s away, the mice will play. Have fun, little rodents.

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Hi, Society

Gossip Girl: Hey Upper East Siders, it’s that time of year again. When the mere act of descending a staircase means you’re a woman. That’s right: Debutante season. And from what we hear, there’s been some changes to the lineup.

Gossip Girl: Serena van der Woodsen, looks like your invitation just arrived. With strings attached. Come out, come out, wherever you are.

GG: This just in: We hear there’s a cold war brewing between Lonely Boy and a certain Blue Blood. We never thought we’d say this ourselves —
Serena: There you are. What’s going on?
Dan: I’ll tell you what’s going on. I just became your escort for the ball.
But our money’s on Brooklyn for the win.

GG: Spotted: Chuck Bass losing something no one knew he had to begin with. His heart.

Gossip Girl: It’s often said that, no matter the truth, people see what they want to see. Some people might take a step back and find out they were looking at the same big picture all along. Some people might see that their lies have almost caught up to them. Some people may see what was there all along. And then there are those other people. The ones that run as far as they can so they don’t have to look at themselves.
  Chauffeur: Where to, Mr. Bass?
Chuck: The airport.
And as for me, I can see clearly now. XOXO —Gossip Girl.

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Roman Holiday

Gossip Girl: Hey Upper East Siders, it’s Christmas in New York. And along with the season comes the Constance Billard/St. Jude’s bazaar. Where the only thing “bazaar” are the donated items for sale.

GG: Spotted skating at Wollman Rink: the Blair Capades. All the grace of Nancy Kerrigan, but packing the punch of a Tonya Harding.

GG: Looks like Daddy’s little girl isn’t sugar and spice and everything nice after all.

Gossip Girl: Hear those silver bells? It’s Christmas time in the city. Some families actually do make the yuletide gay, managing to leave their troubles far away.… Other families have a merry little Christmas, even when their troubles aren’t so far away.… Some presents might end up getting returned.
Bart: I know how you like Florida.
Eric: Yeah, Wow. Number One Fan.
Gossip Girl: But some gifts are for keeps. Other presents come when you least expect them.
Rufus: Hey Lil. Everything’s closed on Christmas. Diners that claim to be open 24-7. It’s false advertising.
Gossip Girl: And everyone knows the biggest present comes in the smallest box.
Rufus: So, uh, Allison’s leaving. She’s spending time alone with the kids And I seem to have walked all the way from Brooklyn to your doorstep. Without a jacket. In the snow. So what the hell. I miss you. And I have been missing you for awhile.

Gossip Girl: Then there are those boxes you wish you had never opened. have a holly jolly Christmas. XOXO.—Gossip Girl.

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School Lies

On the Upper East Side it’s easy to think the world is exactly as it appears. Refined. Elegant. Imposing. But sometimes all it takes is a little key to open the door to the wild side.

Gossip Girl: There’s a weak link in every chain. And it’s just a matter of time before this one snaps.

Gossip Girl: Spotted: Lonely Boy learning that when the punishment fits the crime there is no reason you can’t serve your sentence in style.

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The Thin Line Between Chuck and Nate

Gossip Girl: “What’s the difference between gossip and scandal?” So glad you asked, UESForever. Anyone can commit a minor indiscretion and generate a day’s worth of buzz. But in order to birth a true scandal, it requires the right person to be in the wrong place. Take one It Girl on a pedestal. Add a crowd eager to see her fall. And give them the means to knock her down.

Gossip Girl: And for a scandal to really blow up, all it needs is an unexpected turn.

Gossip Girl: Looks like the Virgin Queen isn’t as pure as she pretended to be. [If Blair Waldorf lied about that what else might she be lying about?] Who’s your Daddy, B? Baby Daddy that is? Two guys in one week? Talk about doing the nasty, or should I say being nasty?

One good scandal deserves another. Wonder who’s going down next? Everybody, if B has anything to say about it. You know you love me. XOXO Gossip Girl

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The Blair Bitch Project

Gossip Girl: Wakey wakey, Upper East Siders. Spring Break is done and I’m starved for a dish. Were you sunning in Crete or sinning in Croatia? Give me the deets. And has anyone spotted our ex-Queen B? Where does the dethroned royalty vacation these days?

Gossip Girl: The French revolution had cake. The American had tea. But it looks like the overthrow of Blair Waldorf, well. Blair gets nailed by some yogurt Who said you need a silver spoon to dole out just desserts.

Gossip Girl: Spotted: Blair Waldorf alone at Butter. Humiliated, party of one.

Gossip Girl: Wake up, Little Jenny. The bitch is back.

Gossip Girl: Spotted: Jenny in a red dress with the red hands to match. Looks like Utter Disgrace is the name on the label.

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Desperately Seeking Serena

Gossip Girl: There are three things we do alone: we are born, we die, and if we’re a high school junior headed for college, we take the SATs. And while the test is said to measure our best traits, preparing for it inevitably brings out the worst. Humility becomes self-doubt. Striving becomes obsession. Some are driven to self-medication. While others cling to the security of being part of a group. And anyone who’s used to bending the rules will find themselves breaking them.

GG: Spotted in the courtyard: Serena, looking like she’s seen a ghost. The ghost of party’s past.

Gossip Girl: Spotted: Serena van der Woodsen being given a real-life multiple choice question. A. Go home and study, b. Get a good night’s sleep, c. Call your boyfriend, or d.—
Serena: An hour.
GG: None of the above. Hope that wasn’t the wrong answer, S. This test doesn’t grade on a curve.

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All About My Brother

Gossip Girl: Spotted: Jenny Humphrey wading in the Met fountain, fishing for change. Blair Waldorf seen dallying with an off-duty doorman on Monday night. It looks like the battle between the Queen B and Little J has moved from the streets to the blogs. Who’s sending this debasing dish? I have a feeling.

Gossip Girl: Sometimes, in an effort to spread the most outrageous rumors, we look over the very thing that’s even more scandalous—the truth. And the only thing more shocking than the truth are the lies people tell to cover it up.

Gossip Girl: This just in: Asher Hornsby spotted locking lips before class, but not with his girlfriend. Looks like gentlemen don’t prefer blondes, Little J. They prefer other gentlemen. Is this just another round of blanks fired between B and Little J? I’m tired of being the bearer of bad grudges. This is the last item that goes to press without proof.

Gossip Girl: Breaking News: Asher Hornsby overheard bragging that Little J swiped her V card at his register. Didn’t anyone teach you, Little J? You shouldn’t give away the ending if you want him to pick up the book again.

GG: Weekend Update: A same-sex kiss hasn’t caused this much controversy since Britney and Madonna. Looks like Little J didn’t spread her legs after all. She spread lies instead. Asher is gay and I have the correspondence to prove it.

GG: Don’t look so sad, Little J. The sun will come out tomorrow. Even if your boyfriend did today.

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Woman on the Verge

Gossip Girl: In our modern age, when you call someone and can’t find them you can be pretty sure they’ll get the message. But if they don’t call you back, it usually means they don’t want to be found.

Gossip Girl: Spotted: Lonely Boy on the Upper East Side. Learning the lesson that nothing stays missing forever. Things always turn up. For better.
Nate: Well is something actually wrong or is this just a ploy to get us both here?
Blair: I meant what I said on the phone. I need your help. We need your help.
Or for worse.

GG: Watch out, S. Just because you finally tell the truth doesn’t mean there won’t be consequences.

GG: Spotted: Blair and Chuck reunited to defend Serena’s honor. With friends like these who needs armies?

GG: If I were you, S., I’d be worried. In the city that never sleeps a lot can happen in one night. Sweet dreams, Serena. —XOXO Gossip Girl.

Much “I Do” About Nothing

Gossip Girl: They say love conquers all. But maybe love never met Georgina Sparks. Poor Humphrey. Looks like our resident moral compass isn’t such a straight arrow after all.

GG: The only thing feared by the spawn of Satan? Mom and Dad. Leave it to Blair Waldorf to know that bitches don’t just happen. They’re made. By parents even more wicked than their offspring.

GG: Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today, in the face of this company, to watch this man and this woman totally F things up. Excuse me while I pull out a hanky and pass it to S and D. Looks like I’m not the only one who cries at weddings.

Gossip Girl: They say a leopard can’t change his spots. But some things do change. The path not taken can become a road trip. Being grounded can lead to something groundbreaking. And whether they’re sweating it out on the sultry sidewalks or cooling their heels in the Hamptons, no one does summer like New Yorkers. Grab your shades and your sunblock. This one looks like a scorcher. Until next time. You know you love me. XOXO —Gossip Girl

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