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Series 4


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Eve of the War

London 2037

Voice over the radio: Ladies and gentlemen of the resistance, good evening. Oh you’d have been so proud of your comrades. They put up quite a fight. But we slit their throats and stamped on their bones all the same. New York has fallen. The resistance have been crushed. The earth belongs to the vampires

Cutler (Andrew Gower): What’s your story?
Dewi: I want to speak to Mr. Griffin. I’ve got information.
Cutler: Information. You’re funny.

Griffin (Alex Jennings): The rest of the Old Ones arrive in two months, by which time I will have obtained the child from the werewolf Sands.
Cutler: Sorry. Can someone explain to me the significance of this baby?
Griffin: First, its father killed John Mitchell in some ham-fisted gesture of affection. Then he killed my predecessor, Windom. Leaving me no choice but to have his bitch put down. But more specifically, that baby is the first of its kind. Werewolves have only ever been made, not born.

Cutler: What you’re suggesting, it’s brutal. Sure. But it shows a fundamental lack of understanding of how small the world is now. You think humanity’s just going to cower in its little hovel while you stampede. Before you reach the first major city, they’ll have raised an army. On Twitter.
Griffin: History has shown—
Cutler: Oh, god! You people are obsessed with history. You’ve got this guy— I mean you have literally brought a guy with you. The Keeper of Scrolls or whatever he’s called.
Vampire Reader: I am the Vampire Recorder.
Cutler: The Vampire Recorder. I’m so sorry, for a moment there I thought you had a really stupid name.

Griffin: We have to take the world by force because the world will never accept us willingly.
Cutler: So. We create a new context and we show them something worse.


Leo (Louis Mahoney): Pearl won’t talk about it. I tried last night after Only Connect and she threw the remote control at me. So I’m asking you.
Hal (Damien Molony): The last full moon left you bedridden for two weeks. It’s likely the next one will likely kill you.
Leo: Thank you for your honesty.

Leo: What will it mean if I die for both of you?
Hal: The shop and the flat upstairs are in your name, so we lose those. And if a ghost loses their root and their familiars, they fade. She will disperse and drift away on the breeze like smoke.

Leo: Together, we did the impossible. A werewolf, a vampire and a ghost. But this doesn’t have to be the end for you. Remember this moment. Remember what we had.
Hal: We will.
Leo: We were on the outside of humanity so we could guard it. Do you understand? So we could guard it.

Griffin: It’s human. It’s just human. Did you know this was going to happen?
Regus: No. But it means… Ah. I need to check something out. {he runs off}
Griffin: Anyone need a baby?

George: Give me back my fucking daughter!
Griffin: Don’t panic. She’s alive.

Griffin: We’ve entered the end game. We’re going to swallow the world up in one big gulp. So come with me, don’t come with me. You’ve all got tickets for the Titanic either way. I just thought you’d like to spend a little more time with your nameless daughter before we start the pogroms.

Regus: Well basically, I never thought the baby wouldn’t be a werewolf. But when he wasn’t, I was like blimey! Then I remembered a bit of old vampire mythology. These are two pieces of a parchment that’s been split into three.
Cutler: Oh my god, that is human skin.
Regus: This is like the Dead Sea Scrolls. The Holiest of Holies.
Cutler: Yeah, but I bet the Magna Carta doesn’t have nipple on it.

Regus: This means the house the child was born into. This pyramid usually means Africa. But it also means Trinity. Supernatural Trinity.
Griffin: A werewolf, a vampire and a ghost share a house.
Regus: This means baby. But specifically, human baby. And this means moon.
Griffin: “Human child of the moon.” “Human child of werewolves.”
Regus: And it ends on this sequence. This means Godhead. Or the savior. This symbol means vampires. And finally, this symbol means death. {excitedly} We’re all gonna die—game over—because of this baby. {no one seems equally excited} I mean, we’re all gonna die, game over, because of this baby.
Griffin: We kill her. We kill her now.
Cutler: Wait a sec, you don’t believe this? I mean it’s tea leaves. It’s horoscopes.
Regus: Oh no no no. You don’t understand. We have no say in this. This is what happens.

Cutler: So first it’s the baby, then it’s George, then it’s the baby again. Who’d have thought the Old Ones would be so difficult to shop for.

Griffin: By the way, what happened to this piece of parchment?
Regus: No idea. Never been found.

Dewi (Darren Evans): At school I used to hang around with the asthmatics, but that was only because they couldn’t run away.

George: What’s going on?
Fergus: They’re going to execute the baby. You weren’t that attached to her, were you?

a.d. 2037

Woman: I need to ask you for one last favor.
Soldier: Yeah. They explained. But will it change anything?
Woman: I don’t know.

Vampire Recorder stalling: Are you sure you want me to do this?
Griffin: Of course.
Regus: Is that somebody’s phone?

Annie: If you harm that baby, I swear I will—
Regus: I knew you’d come to save her. She has to stay alive. She’s the War Child.

Dewi: What am I gonna do? I’ve just killed a vampire. They don’t like that. They know where I live!

Griffin: She begged, George. She screamed. She wept. I just want you to know that.

Annie: Give me the baby.
Regus: You’re having a laugh. Look at him.
Annie: Just give me the baby.

Regus: She’s gonna wipe us out. She’s going to save the world. It’s all here. You won’t understand it, but you should have it. Please take care of it.

Regus: How did you do that? Become half a werewolf?
George: I tricked my body into the transformation so I’d be strong enough to break out of the cage.
Regus: That’s bad. You’ll have started the internal transformation too.

Soldier: What are you going to do?
Woman: I’m going to save the world.

Woman: I’m going to kill that baby.

View all quotes from Eve of the War

Being Human 1955


Leo: I love this song. I met him once, you know. Satchmo. Stage door. The new opera house. 1950. At least I think it was him. I was so drunk it could have been Shirley Bassey.

Radio Voice: Leo. Leo, can you hear me? Don’t be afraid. I bring news of great joy. You must journey west. There you will find a house wherein dwells a man like you and a woman like Pearl. They are the guardians to a child. That child is the Chosen One. She will save you, Leo. She will save us all.

Pearl: It’s times like this I’m glad I’m invisible. Because when some unsuspecting man or woman answers that door, you’re going to have to tell them we’re here to visit a God Child. Good luck with that.

Pearl: Can you see me?
Annie: Can you see me?
Pearl: I’m a ghost.
Annie: So am I.

Annie: Things have changed here recently.
Pearl: Oh, that’s a pity. Over fifty-five years and I’ve never had to change my line-up.

Fergus: Who are they?
Cutler: My focus group.
Fergus: Well that’s alright then. Here’s me, worried you might have been dicking about. Look. Griffin’s dead. Everything’s falling apart. All the other’s have gone back to their [Clark Kents]. We seriously need to sort our shit out before the Old Ones arrive.
Cutler: And that’s what you’ve been doing, is it? Sorting our shit out.
Fergus: Yes. I set up a war council, actually.
Cutler: Are they your war council? Interesting.
Fergus: Yeah. What about you? Giving it the old Peter Mendelssohn.
Cutler: Okay, Fergus. Either you mean Peter Mandelson or you’re comparing me to a German composer.

Fergus: Those guys, they’re dedicated, they’re disciplined—
Cutler: They’re eating my focus group.
Fergus: Yeah, we skipped lunch.

Pearl: You said she would help him, so why doesn’t she? Never mind switching the bloody lights on and off. Why doesn’t she cure him.
Tom: Because she’s just a baby! An innocent baby. Why are you trying to make her out to be something she in’t? She’s George and Nina’s baby. Why in’t that enough?

Leo: It will be so different when you only have each other.
Pearl: I don’t want to think about that.
Leo: That’s my point. You have to.

Pearl: We’ll need to start using a new brand of tea. That stuff you make looks very anemic.
Annie: There is nothing wrong with my tea.

Leo: Try to keep him away from people.
Annie: What kind of people?
Leo: Oh, general people.
Pearl: And dogs. Mainly the small ones.
Leo: And budgies.
Pearl: That only happened the once and he sent a letter of apology to the miniature circus.
Leo: It’s best to err on the side of caution, I think.

Annie: So what about you, Pearl? Any dark secrets? Anything I should know?
Leo: Pearl is a woman without fault. {he shows Annie her page} I’ll tell you later.

Shopkeeper: The way I see it, there’s only two ways you could know those things. Either your a man of God, or you’re speaking from experience.
Hal: I’m not a man of God.

Pearl: What are you saying, Annie?
Annie: Well this started when you showed up.
Pearl: Yes. It’s related to Leo’s illness. You said so yourself.
Annie: And I still believe that to be true, I just don’t think it’s Eve causing it. I think it’s you.
Pearl: Don’t be ridiculous.
Annie: It’s grief, Pearl.

Pearl: It’s too late, Annie. It’s 55 years too late. How can I possibly tell him now?
Annie: How can you possibly not? You have got to tell him how you feel because you… you might not get another chance.
Pearl: For over half a century I’ve been stuck here. But that didn’t matter because I was stuck here with him.

Leo: Fifty years ago, you were looking at that picture. And you stared straight into my eyes and said, “I just wish I’d been loved. I wish someone would give me a ring just like this one.” I should have given this to you then, but I was too shy. And too scared. And too stupid. But I want you to have it now. And I want you to know that you were loved. I loved you since the moment I saw you. And I’ll die loving you, Pearl.
Pearl: The thing is, Leo. I love you too.
Leo: God, it’s all moving so fast. It’s only been fifty-five years.

Pearl: I’ll stay. I can stay!
Annie: No, Pearl. You might not get another chance. That’s your door.

Leo: You were the best friend I ever had.
Hal: You too. Leo, I’ll never forget you.

View all quotes from Being Human 1955

The Graveyard Shift

England 1855

Fergus: Look, I’m not going to kill you. I want to, but he won’t let me. He says it’s protocol. It’s not that I don’t have the stomach for killing.

Fergus: Sometimes I think the only demon worse than him must be the one he’s fleeing from.

Annie: What are you doing here?
Regus: What are you doing here? I can’t believe you’re still in Barry. I can’t believe you’re still in Wales. God, the risks I took for you people.
Annie: Do they still want her?
Regus: They don’t want her because they think she’s dead. I told them I killed her.
Annie: Thank you.
Regus: But if they found out I didn’t. Say they spotted you shopping with her in bloody Aldi— Then they’d come for her again and I would get a wooden enema.

Regus: Listen, this is serious.
Annie: No, this is prophecy. And I know a thing or two about prophecies. They’re bullshit and mind games. Seems to me they only get dangerous when you actually start believing in them.

Fergus: Well well well. Wasn’t that idiot Regus supposed to have killed her? What happened? Did she overpower him?

Annie: Why can’t you leave her alone? She’s just a normal baby!
Fergus: Do you really believe that or is it just desperation?
Annie: Which one keeps her alive?
Fergus: Neither actually.

Annie: What happened to your face?
Regus: My lunch fought back.

Annie: Why would you want to save her?
Regus: You really want an answer to this right now?
Annie: Before I bring the baby into the weird vampire’s house. Yes.
Regus: Right.
For four hundred years I’ve been collecting and cataloging vampire myths and legends. Four hundred years. In dark rooms, libraries and cellars. Pouring over manuscripts, scrolls, books covered in mildew. Because you can’t Google this stuff, you know. I’ve got asthma. Actual asthma. Vampires don’t get asthma. And no one wanted to know about my work. They just laughed and ate another virgin. So that has to be worth something. If it’s not true—if that baby doesn’t mean the end of the vampires—then what have I been doing for all those years? It will have meant nothing!

Regus: No, I don’t like it!
Annie: Don’t worry. It didn’t last that long.
Regus: Make it stop! Make it stop!

Fergus: Look, you’re either an Old One or a nobody.

Regus: The Nemesis has a burnt arm.
Annie: What, and that’s it?
Regus: What do you want, an email address? Look, if you see a scary man with a burnt arm run away!

Hal: That’s a really nice look you’ve got going on there.
Micaela: Nice?
Hal: Sorry. This is one of those things where negative is positive, isn’t it? Hang on. I know this one. That’s really bad.
Micaela: Get you, Vanilla Ice.

Micaela: Are you coming on to me?
Tom: I don’t know. Is that like chatting up?
Micaela: Ugh. No offense, but like… I’m into guys that are just a little bit more edgy. You know? A little more darkness about them.

Micaela: Look, I don’t carry the currency of this so-called society. I pay with my art.

Hal: I’m a vampire, he’s a werewolf. Any questions?
Micaela: Are you… seeing anyone?

Regus: You’re one of the good guys now?
Hal: It would appear so.
Regus: Yeah, I think I am too. It’s fun, isn’t it?

Fergus: The offer’s still on the table. There’s a throne with your name on it if you want.
Tom: What’s he talking about, Hal?
Fergus: Oh he didn’t mention it, did he? Our Lord Harry. He’s an Old One. At least he was. Pretty high up.

Regus: Most of my friends are assholes. There’s a couple of them in the Hoover.
Annie: Well then maybe you should get yourself some new friends. {Micaela comes to}
Regus: That’s the plan.

View all quotes from The Graveyard Shift

A Spectre Calls

Alfie Kirby (James Lance): Hal, Tom, Annie. It’s me. It’s Alfie Kirby. Weren’t you told? Nina sent me.
Annie: Nina?
Kirby: Yeah. Isn’t she great? So tiny yet so loud.

Kirby: Nina told me to help. Said you were doing great, Annie, but thought you could do with an extra pair of hands.
Hal: He doesn’t have a burn.
Annie: But why would she send you?
Kirby: I was a nursery teacher before I crocked it.
Annie: But why didn’t she come herself?
Kirby: Well she can’t. Werewolves can’t be ghosts. That would really mess things up.
Tom: That don’t make no sense.
Kirby: Neither did the lyrics of Bohemian Rhapsody, but I didn’t make them up either. {Tom looks unimpressed}.

Hal: Sorry about the mess.
Kirby: I don’t think it’s too bad.
Hal: Thank you.
Kirby: For a war zone.

Kirby: The rest of the house is fab. Although I wasn’t sure about the knife in the wall downstairs.
Annie: Oh. Yeah. No, that was me. A vampire got in and tried to hurt Eve so I, you know {mimes the Psycho knifing}.
Kirby: You can be quite scary.
Annie: Yeah, new mum. What can I say.

Kirby: She’s got you well-trained.
Tom: Eh?
Kirby: The way she talks to you. That’s women, eh? You’re great not to let it get to you.
Tom: I suppose.

Annie: What are you up to?
Kirby: Just a spot of tidying.
Annie: Oh, gosh, you don’t have to do that!
Kirby: I’m just trying to help. Tom said you could get all twisted if things aren’t done your way.
Annie: He said what?
Kirby: Oh! No, forget I said that. Sorry. That was just me and my big mouth.

Kirby: I don’t mean to cause any trouble between you guys.
Annie: Oh, and you can’t. Not with my rota. We’re a well-oiled machine.

Tom: Is it true then, about werewolves never coming back?
Kirby: Why? Were you hoping?
Tom: No. No, I’m doing fine without him. I’m doing great.

Kirby: Did you never get a card or a present or anything?
Tom: I’d get a cupcake and a four-inch skinning knife. Or a stake and a sparkler. Or a crucifix and a banana muffin.
Kirby: When’s your birthday?
Tom: Tomorrow.
Kirby: Tomorrow?
Tom: Yeah, like I said it don’t matter.
Kirby: How old are you going to be?
Tom: Twenty-one.

Hal: Where’s the mother?
Kirby: At work.
Tom: Yeah, she’s a barrister. Dead classy. We’re a real power couple. We have dinner parties and we’re probably going to get a labrador.

Dr. North: Is everything all right here? Because you seem rather odd.

Hal: When you said “rather odd”, what were you implying?
Dr. North: That he’s a half-wit.
Tom: That’s not very nice.

Dr. North: I had no idea you were gay. Most of the gay couples I know have taste.
Annie: It’s rented.

Hal: It’s peculiar though, isn’t it? Dead GP outside our house. On the day you arrive.
Kirby: Well you’re the expert when it comes to sudden mysterious deaths.

Kirby: You see you might have gotten used to what you are, but someone else hearing all that for the first time. I don’t know, Hal, I just think that they might find it quite disturbing. Chances are you’d be out on your ear. And then what would happen? Eh? Lock up your daughters!
Hal: What do you want?
Kirby: Be nice to me. Help Annie like me.
Hal: She already likes you.
Kirby: Yeah, I know. But really like me. I think she’s smashing, but she won’t let me help with the baby. And that makes me feel like she doesn’t trust me.
Hal: She’s a good judge of people.
Kirby: Yeah. Huh. Except she trusts you so she’s not that good, is she?

Hal: Doctor Wilson. Why did you lie?
Dr. Wilson: It’s true. It’s what I found.
Hal: Jason Healy was set up by the police. He wasn’t even on that train, let alone eating its passengers.

Hal: Annie’s upset with me.
Kirby: I saw! Yeah, sorry mate. Still. On the plus side, she’s very friendly with me.
Hal: She thinks I said something to Tom. But I didn’t. So you must have. He was my friend.
Kirby: You don’t have any friends.
Hal: Well he could have been.

Kirby: He was totally out of control! He was a monster!
Annie: Hal.
Hal: Yes?
Annie: You have to leave. You have to leave this house now.

Tom: How did you do that?
Cutler: I’m just very very good at my job.
Tom: You’re a vampire?
Cutler: Look, it must be hard for you, having grown up hating us. I get that. But there are good vampires out there.

Kirby: Oh, Annie. Look at you. With that dreamy smile and that incredibly dull personality. I can’t work out if Tom left because he was bored or he was scared he’d self-harm if you mentioned that bloody rota again. Don’t be upset. You’re nice. It’s your thing. It drives people away. It drove Mitchell to suicide. From what I heard.
Annie: Why would you say that?
Kirby: Oh Annie, I tried, believe me. But you’d have to have the patience of a saint to spend more than a day with you. And well, I’m no saint. Okay, confession time! I never was a nursery teacher. But I do love kids. And when they saw me they all came running. I was a toy salesman. See? The Toy Man!

Kirby: See evil is like travelling first class. Try it once and you can never go back. Not that you’d ever understand. Because you’ll always be plain. And boring. And Annie… isn’t that right? Dear little Annie. Unloved and alone. Unlovable. I’m sure someone will remember you. Well, maybe not. Can’t even go out with a bang, can you? {she wisps away} And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what we call mission accomplished.

The Woman: You got rid of her friends—her familiars—so you could get rid of her. And now that she’s gone you can do what I put you there for. Kill the baby.
Kirby: Woah! Hey, baby. Let me savor the moment. I mean look at this place. We’re made for each other.
The Woman: No, you idiot! They’re coming back.

Hal: Why are you here Kirby?
Kirby: I don’t really want to answer that question ’cause it’ll get all Scooby Doo. Do you mind if I tell you after I’ve finished?
Tom: You want to kill the baby? Why?
Kirby: ‘Cause I was told to. That were th’ whole bloody mission.

Kirby: I bet you’re kicking yourselves, aren’t you. Wondering how on earth you didn’t recognize me. {they still don’t} For fuck’s sake. The Toy Man! {nothing} I killed five women. And the little sod who’s ball I was getting when I got run over, his mum was going to be number six. And then, well, who knows how many I would have killed. I would have been up there with the greats! There would have been a waxwork of me at Madame Tussaud’s. There’d be theories. Copycats! Terrible films! {nothing} Really? Nothing?

View all quotes from A Spectre Calls

Hold the Front Page

6 months earlier

Henrietta: Adam! Am I prettier in glasses or contacts!
Adam Jacobs: Ah. Your face is a poem. your voice is wine and your eyes are a symphony. And you have spectacular jubblies.

Adam: Who the hell are you?
Hal: Who the bloody hell are you?

Yvonne Bradshaw: Put some clothes on, man. This isn’t The Jungle Book.

Adam: So where’s George and the others?
Hal: I’m afraid they died.
Adam: Oh, Annie. I’m so sorry. Are you okay?
Annie: No. No, not really. Um, thank you. Thanks.

Yvonne: Now. Sorry for imposing on you like this. And apologies too for the other trouble that’s bound to follow.
Hal: What trouble?
Yvonne: You, dear. Men, dear.

Adam: Alright, Littlest Hobo. Drop.

Yvonne: I believe in modern parlance, one might say we are on the run.
Annie: Why? What have you done?
Adam: Her.
Yvonne: Adam!
Adam: Oh, right. Sorry miss.

Yvonne: Adam and I are in love.
Annie: You’re in love?
Adam: Uh huh. I see you, baby. And there’s nothing going on down there. What do you think of that?
Annie: I’d rather not.

Adam: That Brad Pitt guy. He was all over you like a rash, wasn’t he? Tell ’em.
Yvonne: He was filming in the school chapel.
We were introduced and… Well, all I can say is he has a lovely trailer. Oh and surprisingly small hands.

Yvonne: Age is merely a number. And what matter lies in the heart. Sadly, the press didn’t see it that way. And the headlines have been positively purple.
Adam: Yeah. Sordid School Mistress Seduces Student.
Yvonne: If one of my girls had been using sloppy alliteration like that in an essay, I’d be speaking to the parents.

Yvonne: You’re a vampire.
Adam: So’s he.
Yvonne: And Thomas is a werewolf. And Annie is a ghost. And you’re actually forty-seven.
Adam: Mm hm. For my twelfth birthday I got an Etch-a-Sketch. Our school gym was opened by Suzie Quatro.
Yvonne: Adam if you wish to terminate our relationship, please just say so rather than insult my intelligence with this bunkum.
Adam: No, it’s not—
Yvonne: I have abandoned everything for you. My job. My home. My reputation. I implore you, do not repay me with this.

Adam: So I hear you’re an Old One. Color me impressed.

Pete Travis: Come on, guys. This is ridiculous. Talk to me.
Tom: No one’s in!

Cutler: You’re right.
Pete: What?
Cutler: I know what you’re saying. And you’re right. Tom McNair was kicking the crap out of a vampire. Isn’t that what you wanted to hear? Now the thing is, Pete, now they aren’t the real problem. Now some of them are predators, sure. But most, they need normal lives, manage their condition, live anonymously. No harm done, No, the ones you want to be scared of are the werewolves.
Pete: Shut up.
Cutler: Hey, if you have as much evidence as you say then somewhere you’ll hear a whisper about werewolves.
Pete: Yeah… I just… I didn’t believe it.
Cutler: So. Vampires are fine. But werewolves are stretching it a bit.

Annie: What’s wrong with you?
Yvonne: Yvonne. She’s a succubus.

Yvonne: I can’t believe it, Annie. If I accept that then I have to accept what I am too!

Yvonne: Mother hardly spoke about my father. Simply said that he was beautiful and cruel. A demon, you say? So all these men who pursue me, they don’t actually like me. They’re just under some damn silly spell. Even… even Adam.
Annie: Probably, yeah.
Yvonne: But I love him. I really do. For the first time in my life I genuinely love someone.

Adam: What about the reporters?
Annie: Thought about that. We’re gonna swaddle.

Adam: Hey, I’m in no hurry. What happens under the jumper, stays under the jumper. Hey, can you feel that?
Annie: Adam! Shut up. Hal was right!
Adam: What do you mean?
Annie: The spell’s warn off already.

Pete: Here’s a funny thing. You couldn’t come into my room until I invited you. Why was that, Mr. Cutler?

Yvonne: Please don’t blame me.
Tom: I won’t blame you for anything.
Yvonne: I’m going to kill you tonight, dear Tom. I have to. It’s what I am.
Tom: That’s what I love about you.
Yvonne: You’re sweet.
Tom: And you’re gorgeous.

Adam: Don’t open the door. I’ll be under your bloody spell again. I just want to talk to you straight. okay?
Yvonne: Yes. Tell me straight.
Adam: Saw you on telly. You looked lush.
Yvonne: That’s just the spell talking.
Adam: I saw what you said. You’re not a monster.
Yvonne: But I am.
Adam: No you’re not. You’re lonely. I was lonely before I met you.
Yvonne: I tricked you, Adam.
Adam: Yeah but not on purpose.

Adam: I hate being a vampire.
Yvonne: I hate being a succubus.
Adam: We’re both trapped. We should be trapped together.

Adam: With you I felt safe. All the hunger and the anger went away. I felt loved. And I loved you.
Yvonne: That was just a spell.
Adam: Yeah, but look now there’s no magic and I still love you.
Yvonne: We’re just afraid of being alone.
Adam: Yeah, well maybe that’s what love is. Just because we’re a bit rubbish and we’re cursed because of what we are doesn’t mean we can’t be happy.

Yvonne: Would you say goodbye to Tom for us.
Annie: Ah yes. And he’s really sorry that he couldn’t be here. He just thought it’d be better if he… hid.

View all quotes from Hold the Front Page

Puppy Love

Allison: Obviously I didn’t want to approach straight away, because I didn’t know what sort of idiot exposes himself on YouTube like that. I thought I’d perform a little surveillance first. But that’s when you blew my cover. So. What sort of idiot does expose himself on YouTube like that?

Tom: It was a trap by the vampires. We didn’t know they were filming.
Allison: It’s had over a million hits.
Tom: “FX Fail”.
Allison: As in, special effects. Thankfully most people think it’s a fake.
Hal: “Hairy balls, LOL”?
Allison: Well this was just the start. You know we trended last full moon. {they look confused} On Twitter. There’s a Facebook group trying to hunt us down.
Tom: Facebook?
Allison: Don’t tell me you’re still on MySpace.
Hal: We’re more Ceefax people.

Allison: This is important! If people find out about the existence of vampires, werewolves and ghosts, there’ll be riots. There’ll be lynchings. It’ll be like the tuition fees march all over again.
Tom: If this has got anything to do with vampires, I know exactly where to look.

Cutler: Look, there’s no room at the inn. Kindly sod off.
Golda: The last time someone spoke to me like that, I used their skin as a filofax cover. God I miss the eighties!

Cutler: Everything’s under control.
Golda: Really? So you have cars to move the Old Ones around the country. Hotels booked. Concubines.
Cutler: I’ve got something much better than that.
Golda: Oh ho, let me guess. Bunting!

Allison: Tom, that’s murder.
Tom: Like my dad used to say, you can’t already kill what’s dead.
Allison: We are not staking anyone. If you have to resort to violence you’ve already lost the argument.
Tom: You don’t know what these people are like.
Allison: And you don’t know what my debating skills are like.

Annie: Look, I know this is a lot to take in, but I’m going to help you get through this.
Emyrs: Too bloody right you are. It’s all your fault.
Annie: Yes I know, and I am really really really sorry about that.

Cutler: And you’re planning on sticking around for awhile?
Allison: Well I can’t exactly go home, can I?
Tom: Why not?
Allison: Who wants a werewolf for a daughter?

Allison: How many vampires have you slain?
Tom: Oh, um. Three or four… dozen.
Allison to Cutler: And you’re condoning this?
Cutler: Well you can’t exactly go to Ofcom.

Cutler: It’s a war. We’re all soldiers. Better pick a side.

Alex: You want the big guns then. Pull my finger.
Hal: Look, I think I may have mislead you. I was just being friendly.
Alex: Same here. So, um, you’ve got a girlfriend then.
Hal: No.
Alex: Boyfriend?
Hal: No.
Alex: Ah. You’re religious. Hence your weird blend of happiness and sexual repression.

Tom: It’s probably best not to mention the whole killing thing to Annie.
Allison: Say no more. First rule of Chess Club.

Allison: If we lived on other planets, do you think the moon would still affect us?
Tom: If we lived on the moon, do you think we could be werewolves all the time?

Annie: Look it’s fine. I’m all over this. We just need to figure out his unfinished business and then move him on.
Tom: And you think that’s haunting our bathroom?
Annie: No, Tom. Of course it’s not haunting our bathroom. Unfinished business is something good and something righteous.
Emyrs: Who says?
Hal: I knew a ghost whose unfinished business was to castrate her brother-in-law. Something to do with inappropriate Salsa dancing. So it could be anything really.
Emyrs: See.

Tom: It’s not supposed to be like this.
Allison: Like what?
Tom: In the middle of all the violence.
Allison: But there’s a war on! You said. This is what it’s like. Snatch moments in air raid shelters.
Tom: You’re not a soldier.
Allison: I am!

Emyrs: I’ve enjoyed being dead.
Annie: You’re not supposed to enjoy it!
Emyrs: That’s the problem with you, Annie. Everything’s supposed to be like this, supposed to be like that. I’m not supposed to like naked girlies. Unfinished business has to be good. Look, life isn’t like that. Mine wasn’t. I don’t see why death has to be.

Allison: How’d it go with Alex?
Hal: I don’t think we’ll be seeing her again. She tried to kiss me and…
Tom: You killed her?
Hal: No! No, I think the routines have really helped suppress those urges.
Allison: So you chickened out?
Hal: That’s absolutely ridicu— How dare you!
Tom: Oh my god. You ain’t scared of killing, you’re just scared.
Hal: I have seduced several thousand women in my time.
Tom: Yeah, when you were all blooded up. Now that you’re sober you’re just a scaredy cat.

Emyrs: That was brilliant!
Annie: But totally unethical. {a door appears}
Emyrs: Maybe not. I knew I was right. Remember, when your time comes, it may not be a good thing you have to do.

Eve: You have to come with me.
Annie: No no, not again.
Eve: No, Annie, listen to me. There’s never been anything more important.
Annie: I have a baby. Um, Eve. I have to look after her.
Eve: Annie, I am the baby.
Annie: What?
Eve: It’s me, Annie. Mum. I’m Eve.

View all quotes from Puppy Love

Making History


Hal: It’s not dissatisfaction. It’s a feeling more akin to having been born in captivity. A sinking realization that you’re dreams are just too big, too rich for this domestic world.
Cutler: Okay, are you planning to say anything I can use as your defense?
Hal: A defense for what?
Cutler: What you were arrested for. Illegal gambling. Specifically, according to the reams of documents and papers they found, dog fights.
Hal: Don’t worry about that. Until recently any dealings with the police were handled by our family solicitor, Robert Mercer. But he passed away unexpectedly on the twenty-fourth of this month.
Cutler: Today’s the twentieth.
Hal: Is it? Hm.

Eve: I needed to tell you something, so I died and came back through my history. Like how Lia took Mitchell through his past. That’s what gave me the idea. Every single moment is here somewhere, you just need to—
Annie: How do you know about Mitchell?
Eve: You told me everything. Mitchell. George and Nina. Lia. McNair. Gilbert. Herrick. These are the stories I grew up with.

Annie: So what is it? This thing that you want to tell me.
Eve: Mum.
Annie: Just tell me. So I can go.
Eve: I have to show you.
Annie: Show me what?
Eve: My present. Your future.

Hal: What are you doing here?
Cutler: I was going to ask you the same thing.

Annie: So this is the future. Really?
Eve: For you, yeah.
Annie: Do people have jet packs?
Eve: No. No, mostly everyone’s dead.

Eve: We’re just days away, you know. The Old Ones arrive soon. That’s when it starts. At first no one believed it. They’d heard rumors but there were no photos, no footage. Then vampires killed the Prime Minister on national television.
Annie: And, um, what did we do?
Eve: You wanted to get me somewhere safe. But the airports were under siege, so you brought me here. You, me and Tom. But everyone else had the same idea. There must have been fifty thousand people here, climbing onto ferries, yachts, container ships and tugboats. The Biblical Exodus. You told me the ships were groaning with the weight of them. And then the screams started. Vampires started killing people from the back of the crowd. There was this huge surge as everyone pushed forward, trying to get away. But there was nowhere for them to go. They just… You told me it was like the water was boiling. So many people.
Annie: Someone must have fought back.
Eve: Oh of course. Yeah, the whole country stayed under human control for awhile, but they’d get so overwhelmed by refugees they had to start closing their borders and negotiating with the vampires. And then eventually they fell too.

Annie: Um… I’m not saying that I believe that you are, um, you know… who you say you are.
Eve: But?
Annie: Aren’t you the savior?
Eve: I am.
Annie: Then why is this happening, why don’t you stop it?
Eve: Because of you.
Annie: Me? How?
Eve: We’re getting to that.

Cutler: Funny thing is, I’ve been thinking about you recently. Maybe that’s why I buried the coroner there.
Hal: As a message for me?
Cutler: No, nothing like that. I really did think you were proper dead. No, more of an homage because of what I’m doing, I guess.
Hal: Which is?
Cutler: You’re very curious. That’s new.

Cutler: This is the crucible. This is where the Old Ones are headed. But here you are. Now that’s not the behavior of someone who wants to stay hidden.
Hal: When do they arrive?
Cutler: Soon, I guess. No one knows. You’re a circumspect bunch.

Cutler: Look, you could go straight to the top of the pile. That’s cool. That’s your rightful place. All I ask for in return is when they write the history of what’s about to happen, they give me a mention. And a statue. And maybe Brazil.

Hal: Believe me, only a matter of the utmost importance would compel me to disturb you at such an ungodly hour.
Rachel: Well if it’s important.
Hal: No. We are denying him the company of an angel. He shall be with you in a matter of moments. {she leaves} Fucking kill her.

Annie: Why are you looking at me like that?
Eve: I haven’t seen you since I was eighteen. I’ve missed you.

Hal: I like your neck.
Alex: Are you aiming for enigmatic? Or… Because what I’m getting is sociopath.
Hal: I bet your skin tastes of salt.
Alex: Okay, you know this is getting a little old. But lucky for you I’m yet to have sex under a coalition government, so…

Alex: Hal, don’t do this. Just be nice.
Hal: I’m not nice.
Alex: So pretend.

Eve: Tell me about Tom.
Annie: I thought you knew him.
Eve: Not very well.
Annie: Well he’s a child. He’s lovely. He’s like a pet. A bloody big one. Like a Saint Bernard or a horse or something. But you know he’s physically incapable of lying or being cruel. So I do worry about him. Almost as much as I worry about you…. um, you know who. But he’s, yeah, he’s just a kid really. He shouldn’t be killing vampires, he should be getting disappointing A-level results.
Eve: He died here. A few years ago the vampires rounded up all the humans and werewolves they could find. The humans were branded with an “H” and the werewolves with a “W” and put into these camps. There was an outbreak of cholera. Hundreds died. And the vampires brought back the dogfights.
Annie: That’s what happened to Tom?
Eve: He was a cold man. Difficult to like, if I’m honest. There were rumors he killed some humans by accident and never got over it. Some say he held back during his final dogfight. Even after he transformed. He’d rather have died than kill again.

Annie: And where did I go?
Eve: After everything fell apart, you buried friend after friend. You began to lose control of your tangibility ’til eventually you just… drifted apart. Like smoke on the breeze.
Annie: Glad I asked.

Annie: You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?
Eve: Oh yeah. Yeah. It’s Christmas.

Eve: I wanted to show you what happened to Hal.
Annie: Don’t tell me. They chopped him into little pieces and sprinkled him over the HMS Belfast.
Eve: Turn around.
Annie: That’s Hal.
Eve: One of their most ruthless commanders. Those camps I showed you, they were his idea. His violent, sadistic and, well, quite literally their poster boy.

Eve: You see my history and yours started to separate the moment I appeared to Leo and Pearl and Hal.
Annie: That was you. Why?
Eve: I’ve been trying to rewrite history. I thought getting Hal into the house would do that.

Eve: We’re done now. I’m taking you home. And then I’ll tell you what you need to do.

Hal: We can raid the dressing up box and pretend to be human, but ultimately what’s the point? Sooner or later we all go back to being the monsters we truly are.

Hal: And then what happens?
Cutler: The reveal. “Who will save us from the Big Bad Wolf?” Bum bah dah dah! It’s us.
We have created a nightmare and now we will provide the antidote.

Hal: This is insane.
Cutler: I knew you’d be like this. As soon as you came back I could smell that mercy on you like cigarette smoke.

Cutler: You can’t do this! You’re Hal Yorke! I’m gonna heave.
Hal: Remember what you were?
Cutler: What I was?! Now you stole that from me! You dragged me into this world, you killed my wife. You turned me into a murderer, an addict. You made me abandon my whole species!
Hal: I know. And there aren’t words to tell you how sorry I—
Cutler: No! No, you do not do that and then apologize! No sir.
Hal: I can’t let this happen, Cutler. I will kill you if I have to. But I will not let you take their world. We don’t deserve it.

Alex: Just when I thought this holiday could not possibly get any worse.

Annie: Okay. What is it you want me to do?
Eve: Kill me.

Eve: All my life I’ve been carried around like a mascot, while the world around me crumbled and burned. I didn’t understand. Wasn’t I supposed to stop this happening. Then I got the final piece of the scripture. And there it was: in order to fulfill her destiny, the War Child must die. It was too late for me to change my world, but maybe I could stop it ever happening.
Annie: So you sent Hal?
Eve: Hal is a monster in my world. I assumed he’d kill me as soon as he worked out who I was. When that didn’t work I sent Kirby.
Annie: You put that animal in my home?
Eve: You’ve seen what was at stake.
Annie: I can’t kill you. All that stuff about the burnt arm, the Nemesis.
Eve: I’m the killer. I orchestrated this. You’re just the knife.
Annie: The burn.
Eve: Savior and Nemesis. Talk about multi-tasking.
Annie: You were in one of those camps?
Eve: They didn’t know who I was. I always had false papers. I was just rounded up with the others.
Annie: Eve, I am so sorry.
Eve: Look I could send a thousand threats, but Kirby made me realize your love for me would always defeat them. So I had to come to you direct. Show you the world you created.

Annie: Was I a good mother? I’m not fishing or anything, I just want to make sure that you felt loved.
Eve: It wasn’t a world for children. But yeah. You were. The best.
Annie: You’re very brave. And I am proud of that.
Eve: You make a bloody good cup of tea.
Annie: That’s my girl.

Eve: Remember. A moment will come when you have to choose between letting me live and letting me die. If you want to stop this from happening, you have to let me die.

Cutler: Have you got a baby in there?
Tom: Yeah. George and Nina’s.
Cutler: The War Child?
Tom: Don’t tell me you believe all that.
Cutler: I thought Regus killed her.
Tom: No. He slipped her to Annie during the kerfuffle.

Hal: We have to stop Cutler. You don’t know what he’s going to do.
Alex: Yeah, I do actually. Before he killed me, he monologued the whole thing. I didn’t know people actually did that.

Alex: I’m really dead, aren’t I? This is all actually happening. I don’t understand. I came here for a holiday and now I’m dead.

Snow (Mark Gatiss): Well then. Who’s hungry?

View all quotes from Making History

The War Child


Snow (Mark Gatiss): Do you know who I am? I was in the area, as they say. What about you, Isaac Daniels? Why are you in the areas?
Daniels: We were on the way back from seeing my father. He’s in one of the resettlement camps in London West.
Snow: Do you know what tomorrow is?
Daniels: Of course, sir. Eleventh of April. Ten years ago tomorrow you killed the Prime Minister live on television.
Snow: He was appealing for calm. He looked so pale. His tie was askew.

Snow: We’ve got parades planned. Curfews. Executions. So a curious day to go visiting relatives, don’t you think?

Snow: One last question. Your daughter. What color are her eyes? Come Mr. Daniels, it’s hardly a complex problem. You don’t remember, do you? I dare say, when the other agent handed her over with her fake papers, you looked her up and down and thought, “Is this what all the fuss is about? This is the War Child?” But the one thing you didn’t take in was the color of her eyes.

Daniels: You won’t win, you know.
Snow: I think we already have.

Alex: Why am I still here? Does everyone just become a ghost for a wee bit?
Hal: No. No, you must have unfinished business. Something we must resolve before you can pass over.
Alex: Well we can poke around my business later. First I want to beat seven shades of shite out of Cutler. Hey, maybe that is my unfinished business.
Hal: Unfinished business tends to be something more life-affirming than beating someone up.
Alex: Not if you’re Scottish.

Snow: I last came to Britain in 1779. My people took me to a village. They’d already killed all the adults and used the bodies to create a tableau of scenes from my history. The children sang to me. And then we made wine from their blood. I was so touched. What do you have for me, Cutler, Nick Cutler?
Cutler: Only the world.
Snow: I was planning just to take the world. I didn’t realize I needed you to give it to me.

Cutler: Welcome to Britain, Mr. Snow. The revolution is being televised. {he turns on bad candid camera clips}
Judging by this we’d be doing them a favor. Am I missing something? Is he giving me a television set?
Cutler: I don’t understand. Someone must have recorded it.
Because I already have a television the size of a bed sheet.
Cutler: They must be suppressing it somehow. There were witnesses!

A tribute must still be paid, Cutler, Nick Cutler. It’s a question of protocol. Or there’ll be consequences.

Snow: To save humanity, she must be killed. And therefore she must live.
Cutler: But we didn’t know.

These eyes have looked upon pharaohs and the Son of a carpenter. And now they must look at you. Proudly showing me your idea like a child with a handful of its own excrement. I have never known humiliation, failure or obscurity. How does it make you feel? Like coming home, I would imagine. I’ve already forgotten your name.

Tom: Annie, the Old Ones have arrived. We saw ’em at the warehouse.
Annie: Yeah, Eve said they’d be here soon.
Hal: Eve’s been here the whole time.
Annie: Grown-up Eve. She died an adult, travelled back through Purgatory to find me because there was something I needed to know. She took me in to her corridor. {Alex snickers}
Alex: “Took me into her corridor.” Sorry. Misjudged the mood.

Alex: Do vampires die if you blow them up?
Hal: Most things die if you blow them up. Sadly, we can’t. What with us not living in a cartoon!
Tom: Well actually, Mr. Bloody Radio Four, we can. And I’ll show you how. My team, with me.

Milo: It’s simple survival, Tom. You find the biggest kid on the playground and you stand next to him.
Tom: I didn’t know cowards have their own school.

Cutler: Hey. Didn’t I kill you?
Alex: Believe me, I’m as surprised that we’re having this conversation as you are.

Annie: I’m sorry.
Alex: Sorry? Annie, you saved her.
Annie: No. You don’t understand. I’ve betrayed you all. I’d rather let the world burn than hurt her. I let the vampires win and I’m always going to let them win. You need to get Hal and find your body and pass on. Because things are going to get very bad very quickly.

Alex: Who the hell were they?
Hal: I have no idea. But they weren’t vampires, or they’d have seen you.

Snow: “By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes.”

Snow: I want you to run Britain for me. When the hurly burly’s done.
Hal: “The Devil showed him all the kingdoms of the world and said, ‘All this I will give you if you will bow down and worship me.'”
Snow: You think I’m tempting you? Surely the point of temptation is to prompt a decision that’s not yet been made.
Hal: What do you mean?
Snow: What do you stay alive for? That endless scurrying from bad to good to bad again. Must have been exhausting. And each return to bad brought with it a little flurry of debts. Tell me, if you admired humans so much, why do you keep inflicting your failures upon them.
Hal: Because I think one day I’ll win.
Snow: And if the lion wishes hard enough, perhaps one day he’ll become a man.

Hal: You have a whole army. Why this interest in me?
Snow: For time spent. Services rendered. Blood shed. But it’s not just that. Having one of the Old Ones on the outside. I don’t like the aesthetic.
Hal: Then I could flee. I’ve hid from you for fifty-five years. I can do it again.
Snow: Back to Southend? With a new werewolf and ghost like Leo and Pearl and Tom and Annie? Something about that format clearly appears to you.
Hal: How did you know?
Snow: Oh Hal. You weren’t hiding. I was just giving you the afternoon off.

Hal: I don’t want any part of this.
Snow: A man who wants to stop gambling doesn’t move to Las Vegas.

Hal: You were right. I stayed here because I knew you were coming. But not to join you. There was something else I had to do. Tom, get the baby and get out. It’ll never end. I’ll never be free until I do this.
Snow: There’s no shame in this, I want you to know that.
Hal: Get back.
Snow: It’s just the death rattle of your humanity. Mercy’s last hurrah.

Snow: I’m so pleased to finally meet you, Annie. Can I just say it was an honor watching you in action.

Annie: I don’t understand. How does keeping her alive save you?
Snow: I’ve often wondered that myself. Perhaps the remaining humans wait so long for her to save them that they never build a cohesive defense. That’s the funny thing about saviors. It can make one a little dependent.
Annie: And what will you do to the world?
Snow: Pluck it apart. Like a child with a spider.

Annie: Hal isn’t a living thing?
Alex: Wha– ?
Annie: Hal isn’t a living thing. {Alex grabs Hall and rent-a-ghosts him through the wall}

Eve: You did it, Annie.
Annie: So am I really here?
Eve: That was your unfinished business. All you had to do was save the world.
Annie: And I can’t go back?
Eve: No. But then, you never were one for following rules.

Eve: Go on. They’re expecting you.
Annie: Who?
Eve: Who do you think?
Annie: Oh, come with me. I want them to meet you.
Eve: I can’t. There isn’t time.
Annie: Eve, you’re fading.
Eve: I never happened now. I never grew up. I never saw the things I saw. That’s the only me now.
Annie: I’m sorry.
Eve: Don’t be. You saved us all.

Rook: There are things that should be seen. And things that should remain hidden. Last night in that nightclub, you caught a glimpse of something you shouldn’t have. Like when Dorothy sees the wizard behind the curtain. That wasn’t your fault. You weren’t to know. But see those things you did. And that means you have been noticed. By me. And you don’t want to be noticed by me. They’re not new things, they’re very very old. And you’re not the first to see them. So why were they a surprise? Why didn’t you know about them years ago? Because for as long as there have been creatures like that, there have been men like me. Silent, modest men whose job it is to keep the secret things secret. Think of us as the domestic staff of the world. We appear in the dead of night and sweep up the mess and bury the bodies so the world is clean and smart for you the next day. We don’t work for these creatures. Most of them don’t know we even exist. No. We work for you. But men like me are magicians too. And if we need to, we can make people disappear in a puff of smoke. Do you understand what I’m saying?

View all quotes from The War Child