The O.C. Sandy Cohen

Season 3

2005.09.08    

The Aftermath

Deputy DA Chris Caldwell (Timothy Omundson): …Then you won’t mind if I record this deposition.
Seth: Sure record it. Release it on iTunes. I hope it’s a really big hit.
Sandy: Just answer the questions.

The Cops: We’re looking for Ryan Atwood.
Sandy: You’re a little late, I’m afraid.

Sandy to Ryan: Glad to see the jumpsuit still fits. Well kid, for someone who’s innocent you’ve done a hell of a job to look guilty.
Ryan: Glad to see you’re here to make me feel better.

Jimmy: Put yourself in my shoes.
Sandy: In your shoes? I got a wife in rehab who doesn’t want to come home and a kid who’s been locked up for something he didn’t do. I think your shoes are looking pretty good right now!
Jimmy: Look, I get it. I get it. I’m trying to protect my family, too.
Sandy: Right. Because family means so much to you.
Jimmy: What’s that supposed to mean?
Sandy: That means what are you doing back in Newport? Caleb dies. Boom. Suddenly you show up.

Sandy answering his cell: Grand Central Station.

Ryan: What happened?
Sandy: You have a hell of a girlfriend. And if you two get married you’ll have a hell of a mother-in-law. But you’re free.

The Shape of Things to Come

Sandy: Come on, you guys. We’ve gotta eat together. It’s a special day. You’re both seniors.
Ryan: It’s just registration.
Sandy: It’s a coming of age moment. We Cohens love coming of age moments.
Seth: You should have seen this guy at my bar mitzvah. He was frothing at the mouth.

Sandy: She kept this place in tip top shape without so much as picking up a sponge.
Ryan: Yeah. How did she do that?
Seth: Her presence kept us neat, Ryan, It’s that Protestant evil eye. It’s a powerful thing.
Sandy: She’s a woman of many talents.

Sandy: Jimmy couldn’t make it?
Julie: He’s working. Business associate from Hawaii showed up.
Sandy: Ah, just as well. One Montague, one Capulet. That should be plenty.

Ryan: What’s wrong?
Sandy: I’ve got some bad news. I had a meeting at the school today. And they’re concerned about bringing you and Marissa back after what happened.
Ryan: I’m getting kicked out.
Sandy: No, you’re not. But Marissa is.

Sandy about the Seth Cohen Starter Pack: Rehab Edition: Our son has a very strange take on self-help.

Charlotte (Jeri Ryan): If she tried to be the perfect mother and the perfect wife…
Sandy: She may never come home.

Sandy: I thought you’d be at the carnival.
Ryan: It didn’t really work out.
Sandy: I guess Marissa’s expulsion hasn’t really been easy on your two.
Ryan: I just wish there was something I could do.
Sandy: So you want to fix this. The universal male instinct. Happens to the best of us.
Ryan: So what, I’m supposed to just sit here and do nothing?
Sandy: No. You need to go back. And just listen.
Ryan: Just listen?
Sandy: Trust me. It works better than you think.

The End of Innocence

Sandy: Is there anything I need to know?
Jimmy: No no I mean. No, are you kidding, everything’s fantastic. I just wanted to give my fiancée a little peace of mind.
Sandy: Well anything for the soon-to-be Mrs. Cooper-Nichol-Cooper.

Ryan: You and I are both here because someone gave us a break. Now Marissa needs one.
Sandy: Well, I think having Kirsten gone is making me all sentimental. Or maybe my brain is fried from doing all these real estate deals. Your plan poses a myriad of obstacles.
Ryan: Anything you can do. Thank you.

Kirsten: I should never have come today. Charlotte told me this would happen.
Sandy: What? What’s happened?
Kirsten: This letter, Sandy. What do you think this is?
Sandy: Well I don’t know. let’s open it together. We’ll find out.
Kirsten: He wrote this after our fight. After I told him he was going to die alone.

Sandy: If things get messy, we’ll clean ’em up together.

The Last Waltz

Kirsten: Dr. [Butcher] said I should confront my fears. And mine is my cooking.
Sandy: So’s mine.
Kirsten: Well, we’ll confront my cooking together.

Kirsten about the Newport Group: It’s time to let it go.
Sandy: I’ll handle everything.

Ryan: Hello.
Seth: Hey. Are you stocking the larder?
Sandy: Your mom’s making me lamb ragout. It’s French. Now where’re you headed—? noticing Seth’s attire Where are you headed?
Seth: Dance. There’s a beach theme.
Ryan: I’m gonna drop in on Marissa, see if she needs a study break, maybe grab a bite.

Sandy: Honey, I got everything on the list, including a little Chunky Monkey but that’s mostly for me. Alright, it’s all for me.

The Perfect Storm

Kirsten to the boys: Sit. You are having eggs benedict Gruyere avec paté de foie.
Sandy: Something smells… fancy.

Sandy: Well. One kid dropping out of school and the other kid lying. I thought today was going to be boring.

Sandy: You have to keep trying.
Ryan: No. I don’t. I have been trying. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, but I have to make my own decisions. And I am asking you to let me go.

Kirsten: So you want to, what? Throw him a going away dinner?
Sandy: That’s not a bad idea.
Marissa: Wait, where’s he going?

Sandy: I for one, I love The Tofu. Tofuna. Tofurkey. Tobagel. Cream Tocheese. Too much?
Seth: It was a valiant effort.

Sandy: Well you’ve beaten the Sandy Cohen mind meld. I was hoping if we gave you the space you’s need you’d realize that this was not the answer to your problems.
Ryan: Maybe my problem doesn’t have an answer.
Kirsten: Sure it does, Ryan. If you keep out of trouble until you graduate at the very least you’ll end up at a good community colllege.
Sandy: Yeah, you post a couple of semesters of good work, you can transfer to a four-year school.
Ryan: Yeah. When you come from my family it’s not so easy.
Sandy: We’re your family now.
Ryan
: I may not be an Atwood anymore, but I’m not a Cohen either. I don’t know what I am.
Kirsten: So you’re going to figure it out lost at sea?
Ryan: Lost at sea, lost on land. What’s the difference, right?

Sandy: Look, kid, we can’t force you to stay. But this is your home now. And the door’s always open.

Dean Hess: I take it from the surreptitious nature of your phone call that you had something serious to discuss.
Sandy: Surreptitious. Good word. No wonder they made you a dean.

The Swells

Sandy: Where’s Marissa?
Summer: Oh, she’s busy.
Ryan: Is she studying? ‘Cause I’ve been known to get her to blow off some homework.
Summer: She’s not studying. She’s at the beach with Johnny. {awkward pause}
Seth: Ryan, try not to punch Summer.
Summer: I’m just the messenger.

Sandy: I’ll have to think about this. You know what that means. I gotta ask my wife.

Kirsten: I thought you loathed corporate America.
Sandy: Oh I do. I loathe it all. The greed, Republicans, navy suits.

Sandy: I haven’t had tequila in forever.
Matt: Then we should have the whole bottle. Game on, man.
Sandy: What? What’s next? A frat party at SC?
Matt: No, I just wanted to celebrate.
Sandy: Listen I expect you to take this job seriously. I’m not gonna be out drinking with you every night after work. Weekends maybe. And tonight. Game on, Matt.
Matt: Game on, boss.

The Anger Management

Ryan: Can I talk to you about something?
Sandy: Anytime.
Ryan: There’s this guy and he’s gotten it in his head that he’s going to fight me.
Sandy: Does this have anything to do with the fact that my car is now “The Little Bitch”?
Ryan: I was going to fix that.

Sandy: I fired four people today. I’m not sure I’m cut out for this job.
Kirsten: I’m glad you’re upset.
Sandy: Good pep talk!
Kirsten: It means you care.

Sandy: I forget. You are your father’s daughter.
Kirsten: No. I’m your wife.
Sandy: Good answer.

The Game Plan

Kirsten: Sandy, I’m going crazy.
Sandy: What?
Kirsten: It’s the sifting, the kneading, the measuring. I can’t take it anymore. I need to get out of the kitchen.

Sandy: Cardiobar is crawling with Newpsies! How bored are you?

Paul Glass: So anyway, it was Halloween. And I set Sandy up with a roommate of this girl I was dating.
Sandy: And I didn’t have a costume so when I went over to pick her up I put a bag over my head.
Kirsten: I felt like I was dating the Elephant Man.

Ryan: What happens on vacations? Do I stay in the poolhouse?
Sandy: No matter where you go, this will always be your home.

Seth: Hey, sorry for ducking out earlier.
Sandy: Yeah, you missed my story about playing Nanki-Poo in The Mikado.

Seth: Listen, Summer’s upstairs ordering things from LL Bean, so I have to, you know…
Sandy: Hurry! Hurry!

The Disconnect

Kirsten: Is that a pirate costume?
Seth: Summer and I are at war.
Sandy: A pirate war?
Seth: Well it turns out Brown usually takes only one student from Harbor and we both want to be it so I need a hook.
Sandy: Oh, you mean like a Captain Hook?

Sandy: Wow. Matt must be some tipper.
Stripper: Matt and I are friends. From college. Ryan and Sandy pause Yes, I went to college. I’m dancing to pay for law school.

The Chrismukkah Bar Mitzvahkkah

Sandy: It’s a sacred religious event. A tradition that marks a Jewish child’s obligation to observe the Ten Commandments.
Seth: I’m sorry. And that’s the problem with the Jews right there. We have no concept of marketing.

Seth: That was remarkable timing, my mom right there.
Sandy: Oy, humbug.
Like the quote? Check out the shirt

Sandy: Marissa, come join us. You’re practically family.
Seth: I think technically she is.

Seth: Seth Cohen. Hello. Ryan… forgot his glasses so he’s going to be right back.
Sandy: Ryan doesn’t wear glasses.
Seth: He does when he’s reading from right to left.

Sandy: What did I tell ya!
Kirsten: Best. Chrismukkah. Ever.

The Safe Harbor

Marissa: Thanks so much for doing this.
Ryan: It really means a lot.
Sandy: Ornery judge, captive audience, righteousness on my side. I feel right at home.

The Sister Act

Sandy: Do you know Veronica Townsend?
Neil: Do I know Veronica Townsend? Sandy, I know every former A-cup in this town.

Sandy: Kaitlin Cooper? It must be two years since she’s been back.
Kirsten: Did she mention why she’s home in the middle of a semester?
Ryan: We never really got past where home was.
Sandy: Oh, Julie wants us to wait till she gets here before we tell Kaitlin.
Seth: That her family’s a prime candidate for Pimp My Double-Wide.

Kirsten: Veronica wanted to go on a date with Summer’s dad. And she threatened to make Marissa’s life hell if we didn’t set them up. Neil agreed as a favor.
Sandy: Look, Neil’s a smart guy. If he wants to go on a second date with her maybe he sees something in her that we don’t.
Summer: Huh?
Seth: What the hockey?
Kirsten: No no no.
Sandy: No. Okay. Okay, fine. But we have to make sure that she’s the one who ends it. If Neil starts to pull away, she might take it out on Marissa.
Seth: Genital warts. Is the answer.

The Pot Stirrer

Sandy: I spent a month practicing how to say “Dude.”
Seth: You still say it kinda—

Sandy: I balked at taking him out to dinner, but I’m totally cool about turning your apartment into a Playboy grotto.

The Cliff Hanger

 

The Heavy Lifting

Sandy to Matt: This is your fourth quarter bonus, by the way.

Sandy: Who knew women’s panties were such a minefield?
Seth: Don’t say panties.

The Road Warrior

 

The Journey

Kirsten: Ryan, I forgot to ask. Do you have any request for your birthday on Sunday?
Seth: Sunday’s your birthday?
Ryan: Thanks buddy.
Sandy: Not just any birthday. Ryan’s turning 18. Becoming a fully-franchised citizen of this great democratic experiment we call America.
Seth: Yes, we all know you went to law school.

Ryan: Hey, guys. There’s somebody I’d like you to meet, Sadie. Sadie this is Sandy and Kirsten.
Sandy: Any friend of Ryan’s… and it is so nice to know he has at least one here.

Sandy: As of today we may no longer be your legal guardians, but you will always be part of this family.

The Undertow

Seth: Ugh. Get a room.
Sandy: Hey, count your blessings. Kids with affectionate parents grow up to be better adjusted sexually as adults.
Seth: I know. I meant get a room. My room. And do it in front of me.

The Secrets and Lies

Kirsten: Hey handsome men!
Seth and Sandy: Where?
Seth: Ah, I just made the same joke as my dad. That’s a bad sign.
Sandy: Your father happens to be hilarious. It’s just hard to tell these days.

The Day After Tomorrow

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The Dawn Patrol

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The College Try

Sandy: You told him?
Kirsten: I didn’t think Ryan would come home.
Sandy: Oh, you know Ryan better than that.
Kirsten: It just happened. You weren’t there. You had to take a business call.
Sandy: Oh, so you told Ryan about Theresa to punish me.

The Party Favor

Kirsten: When are we gonna talk about us?
Sandy: In public again, or were you thinking about something a little more private this time?
Kirsten: I’m sorry I attacked you. But it at least got you to listen.

The Man of the Year

Kirsten: Responsible for development? Sandy, the only thing that’s responsible for is a lot of sleepless nights and Matt Ramsey’s black eye. You know my father was Man of the Year.
Sandy: The irony is not lost on me, believe me.

Summer: Oh my god. Mr. C. you totally scared me.
Sandy: Sometimes I scare myself, Summer.

Summer: He told me that he wasn’t going to Brown. And then I saw him there with Anna.
Sandy: He said he wasn’t going to Brown?
Summer: Well yeah, because he didn’t get in. But that was before RISD.
Sandy: What do you mean, he didn’t get in?
Summer: I thought he only lied about it to me.

Sandy: I want to talk to you.
Seth: Good. I want to talk to you.
Sandy: I love you, and I’m worried about you.
Seth: Right back atcha.
Sandy: You snoked pot in our home.
Seth: Would you rather I do it somewhere else? Like my college down?
Sandy: That would require you getting into college.
Seth: Do you think it’s such a great idea me going away to college when mom’s been drinking again?
Sandy: What are you talking about?
Seth: Maybe if you paid attention to anything other than that stupid hospital you’d notice mom’s been out before dinner.
Sandy: Don’t talk to your father like that.
Seth: That would require you to act like my father.

Copper: Who are you, his lawyer?
Sandy: I’m his father.

The Graduates

Sandy: Well, we both screwed up.
Seth: We’re both usually so awesome.

Sandy: I know the last few years have been a roller coaster. There’s been tragedy and comedy. And first loves, broken hearts. Family members we’ve lost and found. It hasn’t all been perfect, but we’re all a family here. So cheers.

Jason Spitz: Look, if you came to haggle me on the Ramirez plea, forget about it. I’m up to my ass in unhappy ADAs.
Sandy: No, I’m just passing through.
Jason Spitz: What, you’ve come to admire the wainscotting?
Sandy: This is my old office.
Jason Spitz: You’re Sandy Cohen?
Sandy: My reputation precedes me?
Jason Spitz: Well, self-righteous, arrogant and a little nutso?
Sandy: I see that it does.
Jason Spitz: Jason Spitz.
Sandy: Nice to meet you.
Jason Spitz: Nice to meet you. You’re a legend. Not to mention I heard about your post-victory karaoke bar performances.
Sandy: Defend the poor, sing the classics. I had a reputation and a routine.